Always Thankful and Grateful!

Today is Thanksgiving Day in America.  The holiday tends to have a quirky nonsense to me anymore.  For one thing… the Commercialism of the holiday has become shamefully insane.

I’m grateful for the years in my childhood when I was able to actually enjoy watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  It’s not worth bothering with the few minutes buried under all the television commercials anymore.  Sad.  Disgusting.  Really disgusting.

But importantly… Every day is a day of Thanksgiving in my life.  I never let a day pass without giving thanks and expressing my gratitude.  So many reasons to feel so thankful and grateful.  Feelings that should never be ignored.

But out of respect for the holiday… I have put a few little ‘extras’ into the dinner I’m preparing.  My first Thanksgiving after Divorce!  Ha!

Cornish Game Hens… rather than Turkey.  Common any day of the week in my kitchen.  But to honor the main Character on the table for the holiday… I scheduled specifically.

I even prefer these over chicken.  They add so much more flavor to Chicken Salad! (Ha!  Beaten out by the little girl!)

My apologies to all you chicken farmers… but it’s true!  You’ve dumbed down the flavor.  See if you can fix it.  ORGANICALLY… please.  Then… we can talk!  Lol

I made my bread dressing!  This year… I get to make it… my way.  Oooooooooooooh!

Fresh Spinach… steamed in butter!

You don’t bring that canned, or, Cool Whip crap in MY house!! Carlie approved! A huge dollop from one of those beaters hit the floor! LOL

I’m making Pumpkin Custard dessert… instead of Pumpkin Pie.  Again… making it… my way.  AND… I get to put roasted pecans over the whipped cream.  LOL

Homemade Cranberry Sauce.  And this year… I got to follow the recipe.  Because TERESA likes the squeezed orange juice AND the cinnamon!  Lol

The ‘Candy’ for the Yams!

Candied Yams!  Yessss!  My sauce… my way!  Doubling up on the Marshmallows!

They’re in there. Under all that butter!

I can hardly wait!

Wine.  My favorite Go-To for casual.  Barefoot’s Pinot Grigio!  It’s a Girl Thing… made by Girls!

Of course… my guest won’t be having wine.

She’ll be having Apple Juice!

Cornish Game Hen(s).  Did you catch that earlier?

Last in the Oven!

One for me… One for Miss Carlie!  Completely de-boned… of course!  But she gets all the other dishes right along with the main entrée!

Yes.  I’m having Thanksgiving Dinner with my Basset Hound!  She lives here.  She’s family.  She’s here.  She’s included!

I’m thankful for her presence.  I’m grateful to her.  Over these past few months… there have been times of being lost in tears when Carlie has been here for me.

It’s like… she knows.  She’ll come out of her crate in the bedroom and just… show up.  Lays her head on my knee.

So yeah.  I’m having Thanksgiving Dinner!  And I have family here!  And I can feel the presence of my Daddy and all the others over on the other side as well. Oh, the memories of all those Thanksgiving Holidays at Grandma and Grandpa Casteel’s little bitty house!

Anyway… we two girls… are going to flat-dab… pig out!!

And we should always take time out of our busy days… every day… to sit and take inventory of those particular blessings that fill our hearts with the love that gives us happiness.

Life is just way too short.  We should never settle for less… or compromise whatever… or whomever… gives us that feeling as if our heart is just bubbling over with happiness.

Each of us is one soul that is responsible for ourselves.  We are the ones who get to decide what makes ourselves happy.  Just as I have learned… I am the only author of my story.

And we fall against the grain when we allow others to take that power from us.  We cheat ourselves out of so many more blessings intended for us in this one short life on earth we’ve been granted.

Be thankful.  Be grateful.  None of us is ever alone.  And Family isn’t defined within a box.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

Major Personal Wish Come True

One more wish come true and scratched off my Bucket List!

Thank you… Thank you… THANK YOU… Jeff Rains!  You can find him on Instagram as thejeffrains.

Oh.  You can also find him in Knoxville, Tennessee!

This has been a very personal endeavor of mine… for quite some time now.  It has been placed on my left fore-arm.  I’m left-handed.  It’s there to grab my attention!

I think the timing was perfect for this one.  I put a lot of thought… consideration… and sentiment into the story behind everything it represents for me.  Subjects that are very precious to me.  Secrets… that can only come out now.

The tattoo makes the statement of where I stand in my own truth.

I am… The Only Author of My Story.”

Quite the play on words.  And they all fit!

One of my major affirmations about by myself.  The power to run my life and make my decisions now rests in my own hands today.  Teresa has reclaimed herself.  Free from anyone with bad intentions.

I am… is the last Being I will ever answer to when it’s all said and done… God.

No more submitting to anyone else’s insistence… and being left hanging in the nasty consequences.

I get to choose all that now goes on in my life.  And I’ve already discovered those choices are turning out results that are pretty damn good… so far… I might add!

Where once this huge thick wall of hurt and pain kept me caged… all the devastation and disappointment caused by others that could send me falling apart crying anytime I had to look at it.  Just to try talking about any of it… would bring this massive tidal wave that I came to despise.

Not anymore.  No more tidal wave.

I was able to tell the story that relates to the tattoo… while Jeff was bringing it to life.  Not one single tear.  No tears from any of the stings as well!

I have wanted to reach this point so desperately… since I was a very… very young child.

The Quill… well.  Some of us know what… some of us… have said about a feather.  Right?!

I’m joking!  It’s my Quill… for the writing of the message.

The Arrow… When I first saw the arrow… what came to me was the impact of this connection that hit me back in January, 2018… from oceans away.  Took a couple months before it hit.  Took a little more time trying to run from it!

Alan didn’t just give me courage in a game.  I took that gift and applied it to my life… to my goal of reclaiming Teresa.

The color of the ribbon… his eyes… the color he described… and the fact that I have never seen them.

There remains a tough subject that carries continued struggle.  You can only cover so much in an hour of therapy.  Right?!  I did get through explaining this part to Jeff without losing it.  Although I didn’t get in very deep with many details.

I have always said… “Nobody really knows me.”

Today… I can say there are three people that probably know me best.  Alan… My Aunt Judy… and my Therapist.  Because I had to keep the peace… by keeping my own thoughts and feelings about my identity… myself… anything about me… to myself.

It was the only way to keep it legit… without lame… shallow… narcissistic excuses coming back at me… trying to water it all down to nothing.

The calligraphy in the tattoo is written in Portuguese… to honor my Paternal Grandmother, Beatrice Tavares.  For the very short time that we were able to share with each other… there came a time when she had promised to teach me to speak Portuguese after I learned to speak Spanish.

The significance of her existence in my life has been another… secret issue.  The truth… there was very little of this birthright… for which I was deprived.

Grandma Bea died in February, 2007… in Clear Lake, California… while I was hospitalized in Maryville, Tennessee with 18 staples in my gut after having an emergency hysterectomy.  I believe she was 91.

It was the Tavares family’s opinion… upon meeting me in 1990… that I looked just like Grandma Bea.

I loved talking with her!  I have spent many years feeling angry about manipulation in deprivation of any developed relationship with her.

What little I do know… so far… is this.  As an adult… I can see the very strong woman she was… by the career she sustained and retired from… working in a ketchup factory in the Bay Area of California… taking care of 3 sons and a daughter… by herself… after a divorce.

She was wise.  She had always planned and saved.  She made sure she would be financially comfortable without any help from her children in her later years.

She enjoyed her own 1-bedroom apartment… and those senior bus trips with all her friends… all around the country!  And when I did get the chance… I sat feeling so mesmerized… listening to her stories!  I just enjoyed listening to her talk.  She was funny!

I’ve never forgotten the short time I got to spend with her.  And I live every day now… with the knowing that all that manipulation will fail.  Because I will get to listen to her stories… all I want… when I cross over to the other side.

And NOBODY will get in the way of that happening.

For now… I’m wearing my very first Portuguese lesson!

I’m happy!

Time and Threads

The last couple of days have been… interesting.  To say the least.  Tomorrow will be quite a milestone in my life.

Which is funny.  My card that I drew for this post feels like some twisted compromise.  Because I’ll be scratching something off my bucket list.  And it just may be a little further in the opposite direction from any retreat.  😉

I guess the surprise will be posted on my blog for Saturday.  Neener Neener!  ;)~

But let me show you a little bit about… yesterday.  My passion for sewing takes me down some curvy roads.

Patterns are really expensive now.  The thought of cutting off two other sizes… or… even sticking straight pins in them.  I don’t know about anyone else.  But for me… it’s like scratching on a chalkboard.

To begin with… just cutting out the pieces and ironing each one is a chore.  But that’s just the beginning for me.

Because I transpose pieces… according to size… onto a medium strength interfacing.  That consists of a whole lot of marking… fighting with keeping everything lined up… before cutting out pieces again!

For me… it’s worth the time and investment… of the investment in a pattern.  I’m still left with options for all the sizes available… down the road.

Besides… the Interfacing is stronger than the actual pattern.  Sticking straight pins  through that doesn’t bother me.  When it becomes worn… I’ll just transpose another one!

I watched The Neverending Story II… and Return To Me by the time I made it to this point!  By then… it was 10:09pm.

It was around 11:30pm when I called it quits… after ironing that fabric and laying it out to fit pieces so I could cut off the excess for additional pieces.

So buying a pattern comes with a commitment to a whole day for me.  The good thing about that is… I can cut out fabric pieces and get sewing a lot sooner than it takes me to transpose patterns!

Right?!

I dunno.  Cut out… what fabric pieces?

Exactly.

I do a wide straight stitch across cut ends to stop fraying… before they go into the washer.  Fabrics have to go through a prewashing.  And then they have to be folded.

And then there’s all the ironing before laying out the double-layer of fabric for pinning pieces to cut out.

Let’s not forget… driving and shopping for the fabric… and all the other notions needed.  Interfacing… thread… ribbon… lace… other trims… buttons… elastic… bias tape… snap tape.  And that’s just for the garments.

Sewing supplies have to be stocked up and replaced as well.  So… it’s always a work in progress.  It takes a strong commitment of time… and money.

But the finished handmade garments… they last a LOT longer.  When somebody has put the investment into high-quality fabrics and threads… you get that garment that you can count on having around for those hand-me-downs to dress your future kids… or grandkids… nieces… nephews… you get the picture!

And let me encourage you to go take a gander online… to check out the prices on fabrics by the yard.  It will blow your mind.  Until you go into the chain stores and start going through the prices of kids’ clothes… the quality of the fabrics… the quality of the sewing.

On a personal note…

I am very scattered these days.  In a good way.  Taking care of many areas of my life… all at once.  A great deal of mental and emotional sorting.

Sewing helps me take care of much of the sorting.  I think about things while I’m working on projects.

And even with all that… I’m washing dishes… changing the linens on my bed and throwing the used set in the washer.  Picking up around the house.  Setting up a pot of Beef Soup to cook a couple hours.

And then those moments come.  Out of nowhere.  I’m in the middle of doing something… and here he comes.  I can feel him!

So I take a break.  And give what I can.  With love.

 

Full Moons and Castles

I opened up my Line account, yesterday.  Had to open a new account.  I named it TeresaMarie.  Same name I had given one of my castles that I left behind when I quit playing Clash of Kings.

The app tried forcing me to go collect some pin number from my ‘other device’ before I could have my original account back.

That would be… two cellphones behind my life.  I’m not even sure I still have the damn thing.

This request… from an android app.  Amazing.  Maybe I should go back to school and learn some tech geek… formalities.  I’d be ahead of the game… with common sense.

We’re about to receive another Full Moon.  Reaches our area at 8:34 am eastern time in the U.S.A. on Tuesday.  This full moon is packed with more than the usual.  Click here to gain a bit of insight.

We had a beautiful day today.  We’ll have rain before I find my pillow tonight.  We’ll have snow when I wake up.  Welcome to East Tennessee.  Ha!

I’ll be staying inside all day while it snows… having fun with more sewing!  I like the fact that I’ve learned to set my boundaries when it comes to discussing all I am doing with my passion.

Which means I’m not sharing much.  ;)~

I’m spending just as much time learning from other sources.  There are so many special techniques that are necessary for all that I have in mind.  I’m one who values the time I put into anything I do.  So it only makes sense that I give it all the very best possible.

This is about… Me… my goal… My individuality.  And this is on my terms.

Does this mean I’m some Control Freak?  I can answer this honestly.

I am the first of all humans uncomfortable in the presence of my flaws that create dysfunction with others.

I haven’t pinpointed the exact moment when that flaw took a serious turn onto a more appropriate path.  But I do know this.  The opportunity was at the top of my list for my journey of reclaiming myself.

Said opportunity came once my divorce was final.  Please take a moment and just… let that sink in.

Why would she have to wait until….. Ohhhhhhhh!

Yeah.  I know.  Be glad you weren’t the one having to wait.

Appropriate boundaries.  This is about choices and decisions in my life that belong to me.  My wish for a specific goal pertaining to my passion for sewing is one good example.

When it comes to relationships with my grown children… I am in need of separating myself from their lives at this time… in order to have a fair playing field for working on setting my own appropriate boundaries.  A huge part of reclaiming myself.

Works differently for others… I guess.  I don’t know.  I only know this works for me.

I’m hoping my children will find interest in taking time to examine their own issues.  There is a better chance with me out of the picture.  Of course… we all have free will.  Whether they take that opportunity… or not… is up to them and none of my business.

On the same token… the work I’m putting into my own self… is none of their business.  Their opinions are none of my business… and vice versa.

I’m only responsible for myself today.  And I am taking care of myself.

In simple terms… I have no desire to live the rest of my life as some mangled up friggin’ mess!

As for a love relationship with a partner… do I really need to say?  Okay.  For anyone that has not been around…

I am not ready.

And I have to be honest.  There is only one soul on this planet that would even stand a remote chance in Hell.  He’s nowhere to be found.

And he is neither of my two ex-husbands.  Trust me.

It hurts.  I don’t know what to do with it.  I’m trying.  It is a work in progress.  Covering it in therapy.  This man has affected my heart like no other man ever has.

I could win the damn lottery.  And it would not come anywhere near affecting me as much as this… profoundly deep-thinking… ever-so-guarded man with a damaged heart holding sensitivity more delicate than rice paper.

This is a situation that only spiritualists… Empaths… Light Workers… Healers and such… would completely understand.

I am an Empath.  Click here to read up.

Empaths seem to be delicious bait for Narcissists.  Let me just put that out there.  Click here for some great information on Narcissists.

Here on earth… we can release ourselves from each other… and vice versa.  However… when The Devine has made the plans… He never fails.  He sticks to His plans.

One way… or another… you will end up from Point A to Point B… which only He has decided upon.  And His Divine Timing reigns over your schedule in life, as well.

In other words… whatever you try to fill your life with outside His plans… will be turned on its head.  Nothing else will bear fruit.  If your intuition has not moved you in line with Divine Timing for certain events… look out!  He’ll make it happen.  He will come in and toss your little apple cart upside down right before your eyes.

They call it a ‘Tower Moment.’  I have put myself through numerous attempts to walk away.  I have faced these Tower Moments every time I have attempted to walk away from all feeling and emotions for this man.

I think both of us are very stubborn.  I think it’s because we are so protective over our hearts.  Because we’ve been hurt so many times.  So deeply.

This New Moon and Mercury Retrograde passing through right now… has put me through Hell.  The readings.  I had to stop going to YouTube for any readings for Libra and Gemini.

Mystic Witch Tarot… I truly trust her.  She helps me with my personal journey… as an individual.

Opal Oracle… Raaji!  She is so awesome.  She gets down to that Mother Earth Understanding and alignment with the Universe.  And you really need some deep intellect to keep up with her.

Gemma at Gemstone Tarot… Daily Collective.  The Collective refers to everyone in general.  I can handle this right now.  Gemma offers the astrological common sense core feel for us all.  And she’s funny as all get-out!

Lucy at The Channel of Love… focuses on the twists and turns between Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine Twin Flames.  She goes through her readings in Story-form.  Her perspective has helped cool my jets… so many times.

All the others had me twisting like a pretzel… until I went into my own cards.  You must be very careful when you begin plugging in to all those readings.  And recently… legitimate Readers have busted some plagiarism.  On most occasions… I will refuse to listen to any reader that already has cards laid out in placement.

I lean on God and The Universe.  And before any church-goers begin coming at me like alligators… I’ll make a deal with you.  You stay in your lane.  I’ll stay in mine.  And we’ll be just fine.

This is my blog.  It is a tool that helps me in my healing.  I get to share what I choose.  Your opinion is none of my business.  And I respectfully request that you keep your opinions in your own pockets.

I have found an even closer relationship with God… since going into Tarot.  And I have seen the difference with an even deeper gift of Discernment.  I am blessed much more by free will choices… rather than all the mental and emotional conditioning that has been bleeding all over this planet.

Just follow the money.  “The things they say… just to fill up that damn offering plate!”

I lean on God.  I lean on The Archangels.  I lean on The Universe.  I believe in them all… for protecting me and guiding me.

I will stand beside them… before standing beside you… no matter who you may be.

‘Nuff said.  Back to the topic.

I know which path I am supposed to take.  I am fine with this.  I can wait on Divine Timing.

I have plenty to keep me busy preparing.  And I am moving forward.

Still…

I feel him.  He comes to me.  That Mental Telepathy.  He knows.  He’s always known.  And he knows how to use it.

The tables are turned now.  That damn game.  He knew how to contact me outside Clash of Kings.  I gave him everything.

Some people are probably thinking right now… “If he wanted to contact you… he would.

Well… Yeah.  You think I don’t know that?  I know this better than you.  Because he’s done so in the past.

But I also understand Divine Timing.  I understand there being reasons for separation.  I understand the concept of both of us being on our own journey.  Both of us being guided through lessons and healing… before God decides the time is right.

Imagination?  No.  You have to feel what’s going on inside you without any self-inflicted provocation.  That’s called The Knowing.  Unexplainable feelings and emotions that overwhelm you.  You can be in the middle of doing anything… cleaning house… working on a car when it just comes out of left field.

It’s him.  That’s when the telepathy kicks in.  That’s when I can feel him.  At times… I have to stop whatever I’m doing.  The feeling becomes so strong.

And yes.  I answer.  With love.

I miss him.

I miss those conversations when we were both present… at the same time.  Seeing those words typed… back and forth between each other.

I miss the fun we had.  Turning typed words into food fights… and water hose fights… and cooking in the kitchen.

He described so well… the two of us sitting on a blanket… out in the sunshine… eating frozen yogurt.  I could see us.

We shared time talking about other things.  I choose to keep those between us… for him.

Okay… I still say I could cook a steak better than him.

Just to be clear… nothing in the gutter existed.  We have some really nasty… vulgar pigs on the internet.  But this man….

This man is way above that.

I loved talking with him.  Because he helped me see so many things from a different perspective.  It made me want to learn more from his perspective.

I loved talking with him.  Because he showed me I was worth being trusted to know some of his troubles.  I’m forever left feeling so honored that he felt that safe and comfortable with me.

I loved talking with him.  Because he helped me see the difference between a caring man… and a twisted narcissist.

I loved talking with him.  Because he helped me believe I can do anything.

I loved playing Clash of Kings with him.  Because he was the one that helped me find my own strength and power.  So many values in life are what this man shared with me… reassured me that a man can be capable of maintaining self-respect… dignity… honor.

He showed me so much of himself in that damn game.

I learned about loyalty through the game… from him.  Because he showed me at the expense of his own loss of power.  He honored me with a deep secret about his true authentic self.

He was gentle with my concerns… my wishes.  He would wait until I slept… before going off around the kingdom to do his attacking of other castles to regain his power.  Never in front of me.  Never while I was awake… sans the Conquest.

Yeah.  I knew!  But I wasn’t about to spoil all that fruit!

Always protective over me… in a game.  And through a game… this man showed me the best of his heart and soul.  Because of everything I learned… I know there are things about his life he has kept from me… to protect me and keep from hurting me.

Because that’s who he is.

I miss talking with him… because I had to learn that he was too damaged and caged up with fear… from being so undeservedly hurt.

I miss talking with him… because I was in such a blind rush with wanting to show him deserved love that he was in no shape to handle.

He hides in a castle… just like me.  A safe place from any further hurt and pain.

His castle… much larger than mine.

His Drawbridge… much stronger with an even stronger lock than mine.

His moat… He knows I can’t swim.

And I refuse to drown… knowing everything I’d be taking with me.

My intention for this Full Moon… the day he comes to my castle and yells for me.

Like me… he cannot swim.  Yes, that would be one of the good misfortunes we have in common.  LOL

But I would know it is him.  And I would drop whatever I may be in the middle of handling… and set down that drawbridge before my second breath.

November Punches Hard!

Mercury in Retrograde… until November 20th.  Crap happens.  I just roll with the flow.  Put one foot in front of the other and fix whatever gadgets try to give me grief.

But one aspect I’m really going through Hell trying to keep a reign on would be… emotions.  MY God, the sensitivity is ridiculous.

I leave the house to take care of business.  And that’s the limit to getting out there in the social world.

More pre-washing to accomplish!

Beyond that… I am socializing with my sewing and embroidery machines.  I take an occasional break to go get my belly laugh from a few friends in Facebook.

I’ve made time for learning new techniques from some very gifted seamstresses on YouTube… one in particular… Bernadette Banner.  Click here to visit her YouTube Channel!

I can listen to her for hours.  And I am learning so much.  Our project interests are very different.  Yet… she is a walking library of techniques that can be applied to any form of fashion sewing.

I appreciate her efforts and kindness of sharing to no end!

This weekend was that weekend… swapping all the summer clothes out for the winter apparel.  I sifted both… summer and winter.  Like other items I’ve given away… I’ll be setting these out for local folks that can use them.

I’ll need to pick up another clothing hanger to set outside.  Throwing clothing out on a sidewalk mindlessly in boxes is just not productive.  Seems rather cold and heartless.  Not in my DNA.

I’ll hang pieces up on the hanger, set it out on my sidewalk… and make it easier for them to choose.  A laminated note will be hung… asking for hangars to be left behind so I can add more items when there is more room.

November planetary segments have me scattered.  My healing… my feelings… my emotions.  All so overwhelming at this time.  I feel this way one minute… I feel that way the next.

It’s difficult… when you know you’re running from your own truth… because you think that’s what you’re supposed to do.  Because you feel there is no other choice.

But then… it feels like you’re in this friggin’ battle with your own damn heart.  And it carries some really heavy punches.

I stay busy.  It’s all I can do.  I keep myself handling several things at once… deliberately.  And I think about my boundaries.

Old boundaries that I’m having to remember.  Two in particular…  lol

Give me a break!  Almost 18 years of… legal marital union (insert sarcastic tone) is a long time. Okay?!

I don’t do married men.  And I don’t share.  End of THAT conversation!

But new boundaries are developing… compliments of the lessons learned from that experience… as well as the one that has me soaking my T-shirts… still.

Maybe I just need to get it all out of my system.  I don’t know.

That’s the worst part.  I.  Don’t.  Know.

Telepathy and mind reading are two very different energies.

What I do know is this.  Anybody can ‘say’… nothing.  And anybody can ‘say’… anything.

Anybody can claim to love you.  And you can learn their words are cheap.

Actually… my garbage is more valuable.  It costs me $9.00 per month for the city to pick it up.

Ahhh…. But I’m willing to pay the price.  My garbage going in the correct place is important enough.

What does that say about me?  I am willing to put the action behind my words.

Because that’s who I am.  When I’m given the opportunity.

How do I feel about the lacking of one particular opportunity?

You might be my soulmate…

But all the mental telepathy in the world will never be what wins me over by itself.

So far… I really like these new boundaries.

And then I go to my cards to draw a message from the Angels that they want to share with this post.

The Third-Eye Chakra card (click here) in the Angel Therapy Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue.

My mind is just blown away.  My question is answered.  Solid verification.

I prefer working on my goals with a smile, anyway!  lol

“Thank you Angels!”

From Now On… I Receive. And Then I Give.

For the majority of my life… until recently, anyway… I was one of those people that would take a boat load of crap before I’d get my gut full enough to be done.  Slam doors and lock them shut.

It’s been quite an experience for me.  But people that have known me… know one important thing about me.

When Teresa is done… She’s DONE.

But now… my gut gets full much sooner.  Those doors slam shut and get locked within the blink of an eye.

My intuition is so… On Guard.

I know my scales of balance may have shifted from one extreme to the other since this divorce.  I’ve spent enough time on all those could havesshould haveswhy didn’t I see all this back then… and all that other hindsight.

I don’t do married men.  And I don’t share.

He KNEW this.  That fact was made clear before we ever had our second conversation.  Well before I moved to Tennessee.

And still… He lied to me from the very beginning.  Nobody should find out from a man’s 16-year-old daughter that his divorce is not final.

That burning question in my mind.  Why didn’t I go ahead and pack 2 suitcases… leave all our belongings there… and fly Jen and me back to California.

All the way back in October, 2001.  That may haunt me for the rest of my life.

But that was who I was.  Fair.  Willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Trusting he was in it for all the right reasons… like me.

My perception and my willingness to keep forgiving and moving forward.  All the realization bubbling to the surface has really tilted to the far opposite side of the spectrum.  Now… I will never forgive anyone doing me wrong… until they earn it.  And I will bolt… as soon as I see any of it.

There was a time when I really enjoyed playing an online game… Clash of Kings.  I began playing in the beginning… back when it really was fun.  The goal of getting up to Castle level 30 and the fun of designing strategy for winning Battle of The Throne.  You could… actually… design strategies.

Watching The Prince in 007 take The Throne.  Foxxy!!  Oh, my God… was she nuts!  Leonidas… he was the one that took me into my first Alliance.  And then there was Alan!  Macho Blue Collar Worker (my favorite kind!) from Ohio.  Adored him!!  My Warrior!  My Knight!!  “Sic ‘em!”  LOL

And then they jacked up the whole game with this crap called Kingdom versus Kingdom.  And it all went to Hell from there.  It became even worse… with the onset of Kingdom Transfers.

Now it’s all about spending money if you want to win.  I’m talking hundreds and thousands of dollars that go into castles.

It’s become really stupid.

Really great players have left the game.

I ended up having to quit playing the game in 2012… once we began raising cattle.  Funny thing about that.  Dwayne has NEVER had to quit playing that game.

Let THAT soak in.  Don’t be like me! LOL

I began to miss playing the game.  Went back in… November, 2017.  Things were different.  Some of the old players were still there.  But many had left the game.

I went snooping around the kingdom… looking for familiar castles.  Alan had gone into 007 with the Prince before I left the game.  He had more than one castle by then.

So… when I came across a castle that had Alan75 on it… I fished a message.

Two days later… a response comes… in Italian.

I never should have gone back to playing the game.  Another one of those pockets of time spent going through those could havesshould haveswould havesif only… and all that crap.

Soured again.

I just don’t put up with being taken for granted… lied to… deceived… or abused… anymore.  Period.  I don’t deserve it.  I know who I am.

I reached that hairline moment… about a week or so ago.  Teresa was done.

I quit playing Clash of Kings.  I found myself struggling to stay there only for loyalty to the kingdom and the Alliance I was in.  And the struggle was rough enough that it only took one person barking about something that was so friggin’ petty.

But… whatever.  She wasn’t the reason why I left the game.

One heartbreaking truth I am struggling with right now is… I feel like I’m being pushed into no longer being ‘The Giver’.  I’ve been soured by being hurt too much.

Right now… it’s like… filling sinkholes with solid concrete.  That’s what I do to my heart… every time I get hurt.

And since God already knows… I hate the way it feels.

God never put anyone on this planet with a pure and kind heart… having intentions of ANY of us becoming dark… nasty… mean… vile… malicious Liars… and Players.

Take the Pun.  They both fit that scenario.

I mean… I am becoming older and wiser.  But that is far from the reason behind a gift being kept from the world.  The fact is… I’m learning not to be a Giver.

And it hurts.  I should not have to do such a thing.

But it is what it is.

I’m having to turn the tables on this world.

I’m no Willy Wonka.  And I have no Chocolate for Takers who take… take… take… and give nothing in return.

From now on… I receive.  And then I’ll give.

I’m always preaching about kindness.  Maybe it’s because I’ve had more than my share of too many Takers.

If you’ve made it this far with reading this post… and you haven’t gotten right with somebody about a wrong you’ve done to them…

If you have not already… You WILL lose them.  It’s only a matter of time.

And they get to choose when.  You might think they’ll always be there.  But they won’t.

Sooner or later… they always get their gut full.  And if you fear that… you better wake up and bring yourself correct.  Seek the help.  Ask the questions.

When I think about the whole situation for me…  I guess I should consider all the lessons I would have missed out on learning… had it not been for the unconscionable cowards that only bring red flags to the table.

Thank them?  Feel grateful toward them?

Hell no.  I feel sorry for them.

I’m thanking God and the Universe.  I’m grateful to Spirit… all my angels… Spirit Guides and Light Workers.

THEY are here.  THEY are guiding me out of this hurt and pain.

At the very least… I KNOW I can trust them… and count on them.

Just a reminder… this Blog is a huge part of my healing in my journey to reclaim myself and find all I need for standing in my own truth.  I have the right to live my truth… and not have it affected by anyone else.

More Progress and Transformation coming.  I’m working on it.

I Said… Can We Get a Little Balance Here!

Yesterday… I left for a day of running around in Lenoir City and Knoxville.  Anytime I head up that way anymore… I make sure I can knock out several things that need attention.

And of course… since I’m up in that area… I’ll find every excuse to stretch the trip all the way to Joann Fabrics.  LOL

Yeah… I know.  But I mean… how many guys leave work and reason out taking a left-hand turn to go down one other road and stop by a bar for a few beers?

Right!!?

Balance!  ;)~

My vice is safer.  I can’t go to jail.  *snicker*

Okay… I’ll show you a few of the goodies I brought home.

But this is all you get to see!

Much of the progress on my main goal has been hindered by a little ‘snafu’ that occurred as a surprise to all attorneys involved in my divorce.

Apparently… there was a recent lateral amendment passed by Tennessee State Legislature regarding transfer of vehicles to divorcing individuals.

Now the state requires that the final decree include everything… The year… make and model… and now… the VIN number.

The State of Tennessee rejected my application to have my Putt-Putt registered in my name.  The VIN number was omitted in the final divorce decree.

Their excuse is… ‘How do we know you don’t have 5 Kia Souls?

My thinking is… ‘If you got off your lazy butt and cross-referenced with both our names you would have all you need!

Their rebuttal… ‘People own multiple vehicles and never get them registered.”

My volley… ‘So, call the cops and have them drive by the house!’

We have a very lazy nation of people.

Anyway… I received a download of a screenshot of the ‘signed, sealed and filed’ amended page for the final decree into my attorney portal.

That meant I was able to go to the courthouse to obtain a certified copy with a notary seal.

Document in hand… I headed to my credit union.  Next task… changing my name on my banking account.

Okay.  I’ll be honest here.  I had Joann’s on the brain.  Now… I’m not all that terrible.  I also had Carlie’s Dog Cookies on my mind.

It was on my way back from Joann’s… coming through Turkey Creek to go ‘my back way’ to getting home and missing all the snotty traffic… when I remembered I had forgotten to remember what I KNEW I would forget!

I’ll wait for you to catch up.

I had a check from Home Depot in my purse.  I forgot to deposit it at the credit union when I went to change my name.

I dunno.  Maybe it was the free lantern they gave me for Customer Appreciation Day!  ROTFLMAO!!

We all know what’s really going on here.  Right!?

Seriously… it’s a cute little lantern!!  I’m sure it will come to be very useful.  Greatly appreciated!

Okay. Sooo….

Oh, it gets better!

I’ve known for quite some time now… the branch of TVA Credit Union in Turkey Creek is open until 8pm.  I think all the others close at 5:30 on Fridays.  I’ve never been to the one in Turkey Creek.  But it was the closest.  And the others were already closed.

Well… knowing they are open until 8pm does me no good at all… when I don’t even know where they’re located.

Ma’am…. I can’t find this account in our records.  I’m looking at your banking card.  Are you sure you’re at the right bank?”

I tried depositing my check at First Tennessee Bank.

Now we all… definitely… know what’s really going on here!

I will just take it as my moment for the day.  Okay?  I made it home!  I drove through all that rain!  In the dark!

Hey… I even managed to make myself a much needed pot of fresh hot coffee.

Decided to pull a bowl of soup from the freezer and heat it in the microwave.  The effort has left me thinking the house wiring for all the outlets on that side of the kitchen and dining area… are female.

Out of the blue… blackout.  The microwave and my Infrared Fireplace Heater are down for the count.  Trying to kick the breaker did nothing.  I’m thinking the grounding outlet has died.

Can’t be sure.  Just trying to stay positive here.

Either way… I’m left with an unexpected pleasure of contacting an Electrician on Monday.  In the meantime… the breaker is shut off.

This crap gets taken care of NOW.  I do NOT like electricity.  I need the electricity in this house working properly… and SAFELY.

That damn Mercury going back into retrograde.

I need to be able to cook… work on my sewing machine… embroidery machine… have my heater going… all at the same time.

And I refuse to plug in my coffee pot in the bathroom for the rest of my life!!   This house was built in the 1940’s.  And I am really beginning to wonder.

But I am grateful that I can still slobber through my very first edition of this little goodie I just received!  But that pattern for the cape. ‘squeal!

Talk about pumping up the adrenaline.  I can hardly wait!

For now… I have another book case to put together.  And I have to run to Lowe’s for the additional shelf pins I forgot to get.

It’s always something! LOL

I am so excited!  I drew the #9 card from Colette Baron Reid’s ‘Wisdom of The Oracle‘ deck for this post!

You can read about it by clicking here.

It FITS… so divinely!  Everything I am experiencing right now!  Even inside my heart.  Ciao’, TU! xoxoxo

I hope your weekend is much better!!