These days I spend a lot of time driving from county to county. I’ve found there’s a lot to take care of on the tail end… now that this divorce is final.
The days always feel so different for me. Strange.
Just when I begin to feel the ground under my feet… a thought… just one single thought can leave me feeling the ground under my butt.
And the wind knocked out of me… until the tears show up.
I am so happy to be divorced… finally. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that. I don’t even feel anger towards Dwayne.
I think I began working on moving beyond anger by the time I could say out loud, “I want a divorce.”
By the time we finished with Mediation… I let go of the anger and hatred before I walked out of the attorney’s office.
They say you still have feelings for someone you’ve loved… if you feel anything.
It’s not over until you feel… nothing.
I can’t say I’ve made it there… yet.
I still roll my eyes.
I don’t even want THAT to happen when his name is mentioned.
And don’t get me wrong. I WILL get there. Mark my word.
I will get there.
But… that’s only one layer. All the driving gives me time to think. It’s like things are purging from deep inside.
And these are things that… I think I finally get it.
I’m feeling waves and waves of… damage… swelling up and hitting me… one after another. Like a perfect storm.
This has become very disturbing to me. I keep asking myself, “Where is all of this coming from?”
But one thing I feel so… absolutely… sure about… is this.
I know me… and my heart… well enough to know… this is junk that I can’t even consider taking into another relationship.
I’m so blown away to feel how much more keeps coming up from pits in my heart and mind that were so tightly hidden.
Maybe other people can. I don’t know. I only know I don’t have the stomach for going there.
I think I… finally get it.
I said I could love someone without them. I said I could protect that love from even them.
This love… means too much to me. It’s so important to me. It’s a love that came out of nowhere. It was totally unexpected. This love even frightened me enough that I tried running away. It’s a love that I have never felt before… in my whole entire life.
Today I learned… I need to protect that love… from me.
Today I learned… I can love… but not be ready.
It’s my responsibility to protect this love. Because I know all that it deserves.
To poison this love… I would deserve to burn.
I need time to heal.
I can unravel hate… all the way down to… nothing.
But this love… cannot be unsewn.
More importantly… this is not required.
And I can… still… not be ready.
But I can heal… make myself ready… while protecting this love.
And THIS… gives me peace.
( The Wisdom of The Oracle card #33 came up… in reverse… meaning I should adhere to the Protection Message. You can read it by clicking here. )
My Morning's Heart 