Conversations

My readings are telling me this next few days will be about looking back over my life.  Things coming up to the top.  Revelations.

Mind blowing.  Humiliating realizations.

Everything shows how it’s all connected to the here and now.

Things I’m trying to heal.

Searching for all the answers to, “What the hell is this about?”

I’ve always understood that communication was necessary.  Especially in relationships.

I’ve realized I spent so much of my life under somebody else’s thumb without knowing how to stand up for myself… even communication became an issue.

Wow.  It goes back to being told as a child, “Children are to be seen and not heard.”

I was never allowed to speak unless spoken to.  Well… beyond knowing when it was okay to ask if I could do something.

I was never worth a conversation.  Just answer the questions.

Just the facts.

Oh, my gosh… jump to age 20 years.

Ray Bell.  THIS is why I was always falling asleep when we spent hours having conversations!!

I was in such a good place!  I was so relaxed!  Finally… someone that could relate to things that wandered around inside my head all my life!

We… actually had conversations.  And… you participated.  You injected.  You could lead.  It was equal participation.

And they were deep… intellectual… awesome conversations.

Yeah… we won’t talk about the ones… you had… when you were drunk and loaded.  *snicker*

I’m not lying!  It is what it is!  It happened!

Don’t feel bad.  They were all funny!

And then… jump to 21 years later… when the story of my recent divorce began.

I was married to a man for almost 18 years… together for a year before marriage.

And looking back… we never had one single conversation… unless it was about something happening at that hangar that pissed you off.

Anything else was like… a business meeting.  Discussion of plans… progress… snags… resolution.

Resolution.  HA!  There was only one… always.  That look on your face.  My next thought… “Yeah, here we go again.  He’s gonna pull a Dwayne.”

The rest of it was the fight to get something done half-ass.  Because everything was done so half-ass.  And to accomplish anything meant going through a fight.

Not just the photos of all the projects that were never finished, either.  It was everything.  Everything about that marriage.  If it didn’t require a power tool… it was up to me to get it accomplished.

Or… not even waste my time.

I had to pick my battles.

And I own half of it all… because I put up with the crap.

But all that isn’t what even matters to me.  Not anymore… anyway.

What matters to me is… the overall reality of the fact that we never had one single… deep… intellectual… personal conversation between us.

Your idea of participation was… answering questions… as little as possible.

Just the facts.

Whatever came to fruition… came from Dwayne’s head… to half-ass.

It was his way… or… do it yourself.  And that applied to… everything.

Another phase in my life of… just the facts.

Yeah.

This is not Teresa.  That never was Teresa.

And Teresa will not live through that kind of abandonment anymore.

THIS is me now… standing in my truth.

I love having conversations… between two people… both participating.

Deep… intellectual… serious… fun… imaginary… hilarious… heartfelt… loving… kind… genuine… sincere… conversations.

All the beautiful words that describe beautiful conversations between two people in a relationship.

The idea of a man reaching out to me… to fill me in on his thoughts or ideas.

I like this!

Being interested in what goes on inside my head.  (Oh, boy… that could be a jump off a cliff.)

Being curious enough to seek my opinion about things.

Choosing a topic and venturing toward each other’s insights… to see if we meet in the middle on common ground with a same conclusion.

Refusing to settle for less than compromise comfortable for each other.

About anything.  About everything.

When the conversations become something enjoyed by both of us.

Something that becomes important to both of us… enough that we look forward to having more of them.

Important enough that we come to crave them.

Important enough that it feels like we’re taking turns… stopping the world and stealing time for one of those conversations.

When clocks and oceans aren’t even allowed to get in the way.

Communication is a good thing.

My favorite kind of Conversations are like… a really good home-cooked meal.

And the best of them come from… Reciprocity.

Look the word up in the Dictionary.

You’ll even find kindness and love… there.