From Now On… I Receive. And Then I Give.

For the majority of my life… until recently, anyway… I was one of those people that would take a boat load of crap before I’d get my gut full enough to be done.  Slam doors and lock them shut.

It’s been quite an experience for me.  But people that have known me… know one important thing about me.

When Teresa is done… She’s DONE.

But now… my gut gets full much sooner.  Those doors slam shut and get locked within the blink of an eye.

My intuition is so… On Guard.

I know my scales of balance may have shifted from one extreme to the other since this divorce.  I’ve spent enough time on all those could haves… should haves… why didn’t I see all this back then… and all that other hindsight.

I don’t do married men.  And I don’t share.

He KNEW this.  That fact was made clear before we ever had our second conversation.  Well before I moved to Tennessee.

And still… He lied to me from the very beginning.  Nobody should find out from a man’s 16-year-old daughter that his divorce is not final.

That burning question in my mind.  Why didn’t I go ahead and pack 2 suitcases… leave all our belongings there… and fly Jen and me back to California.

All the way back in October, 2001.  That may haunt me for the rest of my life.

But that was who I was.  Fair.  Willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Trusting he was in it for all the right reasons… like me.

My perception and my willingness to keep forgiving and moving forward.  All the realization bubbling to the surface has really tilted to the far opposite side of the spectrum.  Now… I will never forgive anyone doing me wrong… until they earn it.  And I will bolt… as soon as I see any of it.

There was a time when I really enjoyed playing an online game… Clash of Kings.  I began playing in the beginning… back when it really was fun.  The goal of getting up to Castle level 30 and the fun of designing strategy for winning Battle of The Throne.  You could… actually… design strategies.

Watching The Prince in 007 take The Throne.  Foxxy!!  Oh, my God… was she nuts!  Leonidas… he was the one that took me into my first Alliance.  And then there was Alan!  Macho Blue Collar Worker (my favorite kind!) from Ohio.  Adored him!!  My Warrior!  My Knight!!  “Sic ‘em!”  LOL

And then they jacked up the whole game with this crap called Kingdom versus Kingdom.  And it all went to Hell from there.  It became even worse… with the onset of Kingdom Transfers.

Now it’s all about spending money if you want to win.  I’m talking hundreds and thousands of dollars that go into castles.

It’s become really stupid.

Really great players have left the game.

I ended up having to quit playing the game in 2012… once we began raising cattle.  Funny thing about that.  Dwayne has NEVER had to quit playing that game.

Let THAT soak in.  Don’t be like me! LOL

I began to miss playing the game.  Went back in… November, 2017.  Things were different.  Some of the old players were still there.  But many had left the game.

I went snooping around the kingdom… looking for familiar castles.  Alan had gone into 007 with the Prince before I left the game.  He had more than one castle by then.

So… when I came across a castle that had Alan75 on it… I fished a message.

Two days later… a response comes… in Italian.

I never should have gone back to playing the game.  Another one of those pockets of time spent going through those could haves… should haves… would haves… if only… and all that crap.

Soured again.

I just don’t put up with being taken for granted… lied to… deceived… or abused… anymore.  Period.  I don’t deserve it.  I know who I am.

I reached that hairline moment… about a week or so ago.  Teresa was done.

I quit playing Clash of Kings.  I found myself struggling to stay there only for loyalty to the kingdom and the Alliance I was in.  And the struggle was rough enough that it only took one person barking about something that was so friggin’ petty.

But… whatever.  She wasn’t the reason why I left the game.

One heartbreaking truth I am struggling with right now is… I feel like I’m being pushed into no longer being ‘The Giver’.  I’ve been soured by being hurt too much.

Right now… it’s like… filling sinkholes with solid concrete.  That’s what I do to my heart… every time I get hurt.

And since God already knows… I hate the way it feels.

God never put anyone on this planet with a pure and kind heart… having intentions of ANY of us becoming dark… nasty… mean… vile… malicious Liars… and Players.

Take the Pun.  They both fit that scenario.

I mean… I am becoming older and wiser.  But that is far from the reason behind a gift being kept from the world.  The fact is… I’m learning not to be a Giver.

And it hurts.  I should not have to do such a thing.

But it is what it is.

I’m having to turn the tables on this world.

I’m no Willy Wonka.  And I have no Chocolate for Takers who take… take… take… and give nothing in return.

From now on… I receive.  And then I’ll give.

I’m always preaching about kindness.  Maybe it’s because I’ve had more than my share of too many Takers.

If you’ve made it this far with reading this post… and you haven’t gotten right with somebody about a wrong you’ve done to them…

If you have not already… You WILL lose them.  It’s only a matter of time.

And they get to choose when.  You might think they’ll always be there.  But they won’t.

Sooner or later… they always get their gut full.  And if you fear that… you better wake up and bring yourself correct.  Seek the help.  Ask the questions.

When I think about the whole situation for me…  I guess I should consider all the lessons I would have missed out on learning… had it not been for the unconscionable cowards that only bring red flags to the table.

Thank them?  Feel grateful toward them?

Hell no.  I feel sorry for them.

I’m thanking God and the Universe.  I’m grateful to Spirit… all my angels… Spirit Guides and Light Workers.

THEY are here.  THEY are guiding me out of this hurt and pain.

At the very least… I KNOW I can trust them… and count on them.

Just a reminder… this Blog is a huge part of my healing in my journey to reclaim myself and find all I need for standing in my own truth.  I have the right to live my truth… and not have it affected by anyone else.

More Progress and Transformation coming.  I’m working on it.