The alarms on the clocks sound from my Kindle and my phone. A new day arrives after making a decision before bedtime last night.
I chose walking away.
I know me. I know my heart. I know my conscience. I know the kind of love I am capable of giving. But I also know the kind of love I deserve.
And beginning today… I will love me.
I rise for my usual morning routine. My bed is made. I dress. Carlie gets her tone collar put on before being let out for her morning constitutions. Her breakfast is prepared… soaking in hot water to make its ‘gravy’ that she loves.
The usual brushing of my hair and teeth. Then… I grind fresh coffee bean and set the pot brewing. That soft ‘bark’ at the front door. Carlie comes back in and heads for her breakfast after removal of her collar.
There is something about the smell of a fresh cup of hot coffee before the sun even begins to rise. It’s like… “Good morning!” And just taking a few moments to absorb how it makes me feel… makes me ready for my next couple of hours.
I’m into my daily guidance on YouTube… listening to Tilly’s daily reading for today… when I have to pause. Carlie’s finished breakfast. She won’t let the world continue until she gets her cookies.
Tilly’s reading is finished. I move on to Gemma’s reading for the day… followed by Uriel’s reading for the weekend.
It’s amazing how all three women cover all aspects of life in their own way. Light Readers are gifted with their own unique guidance.
I’m so comfortable… thankful… and grateful for how I’ve come to rely on these three women for offering me a peek into what I can expect for the day… what guidance I need from The Divine, the Angels and The Universe.
Fanny is my Go-To for my monthly guidance as an individual. Still… I gain those daily steps from the other three earth angels!
But it was my own readings I did last night… through Colleen Baron-Reid’s Wisdom of The Oracle and Lucy Cavendish’s Dragonfae Apps (apparently, no longer available in Google’s Play Store?)… that led me to my final decision.
The rest of the day will include more study for a couple hours into the subject of my main goal in life… as well as the current tasks I’m in the middle of handling. Daily household duties requiring my attention around the house will be completed. And my evening will be free for planning my weekend.
I always pay attention to how my entire body feels after making decisions like this. There is a sense of peace that covers me. Reminds me of a baby’s face… just after entering this world and resting on Mom’s chest… eyes open and looking up at her… so quietly and relaxed.
All the locks at the Dam of Tears seem to have been shut down and not a drop releasing.
And for the first time… I feel what I had manifested long ago… when I experienced the first round of pain that took me too close to a cliff’s edge that nobody really wants to ever see.
I wanted to think of Alan… and feel nothing.
I needed to feel nothing. I know me. I have fought a part of me for a very long time now.
There is no man or woman on this planet worth ending your life over… just to feel nothing.
Yes. It’s a war inside one’s self. This was the worst war I’ve fought.
Many battles with hope… faith… that loyalty I tried hanging onto for dear life… for only all the right things that have been allowed to exist inside my heart.
My Castle Doors slammed shut. Several times. That Drawbridge lifted and locked tight. That Moat filled to the brim and loaded with a fresh herd of every kind of sea animal that would eat a man or woman without leaving a bit of evidence.
And still… I remained willing to meet halfway… to reopen negotiation… with him.
It’s exhausting. But this morning I can wake up and say… “I truly gave it my best.” At least I know I tried.
But this is not my loss. He gets to own the loss.
And he will never know all that he lost. Little does he realize… I never showed him all of me. I’m not that naïve.
They never see the best of me… until they’ve given me the best of them.
I win. In the end… I get to have Teresa.
My Morning's Heart 