Forks in The Road – My Morning's Heart

Peaceful Brainstorming

More time spent at home. More time to contemplate.

More time to daydream. More time to prepare for setting intentions!

Because the New Moon in Aries appears… on Tuesday… March 23rd.. at 5:28am eastern time (U.S.).

Thinking about… how I want to live… once this COVID-19 has reached an end.

Releasing us all to test ourselves.

Discover how much we have learned about ourselves.

What we require for staying alive.

What we don’t really need in our lives.

Materialism… having it all.

Is that truly where we find happiness?

I think it’s joy that we should find within ourselves.

I think happiness should be found with whomever we choose to share our joy.

Why confuse the two?

Why water one down?

Each deserves respect for its own value.

Just as every man… and every woman.

To acknowledge… and learn to appreciate… is a gift you give yourself.

Balance. In all things.

This brings the world… and ourselves… to our center.

What’s good for me… may not be good for someone else.

How much I wish in my life… may not be enough for someone else.

I can only speak for myself.

I am only 1 puzzle piece.

It’s like… finding that next puzzle piece that fits… once you have all the edges put together.

I wonder what puzzle piece fits beside me.

All this plays into everything I’ve been thinking about… for my life.

Simplifying. Downgrading the numbers in some areas.

Allows room for more attention to other areas.

Different priorities. Refreshment.

Peace.

Which wheels right back around to… the joy inside myself!

There is a particular family I have been keeping up with on YouTube.

I’m simply amazed by the happiness they have created… on one acre of land.

The first thing I love about all they’ve created is the obvious time they took to plan… everything… so thoroughly.

On a personal level… what really tickles me is how they’ve managed to choose a location that allows them to grow just about anything!

Everything you can grow in California… without having to live there! HA!

If you know me… such a place must be Heaven.

I could… actually… consider relocating.

I love living in East Tennessee.

The countryside is just absolutely beautiful.

But I have learned so many lessons in my life… about life.

Even beautiful land cannot be allowed to own me.

I cannot be bought.

I cannot be owned.

I can only be gifted.

And I come with boundaries of my own.

I hold the keys to my gates.

I get to choose… who gets in… and what gets in… to become part of my life.

For now… I pray.

While I daydream. I only have hours to get those intentions lined up!

Get ready for that New Moon!

Wherever you may be… Know that you are not alone.

And when you get a chance… click here to go listen to this Beautiful… Beautiful song called… ‘We Are’.

Tom Trapp. The Conductor.

That handsome man reminds me so much of my Daddy!

Know that we all have Angels we can call upon to guide us and protect us.

Especially during these difficult moments.

Know that you are loved.

As above… so below.

And so it is.

Cutting The Cord

“Who is this man he is angry with?”

He is angry with himself. As he should be.

Why is he angry with himself?

That is for him to openly admit… to himself… and to all of us… whenever he decides.

No longer any of my concern.

I have cried him out.

I’m left with no other choice.

I move on to finish the rest of this lifetime without him.

Please let it go quickly.

For we are all cowards… one way or another.

**Artist – Anne Stokes

Difficult. Emotions running so deeply. Confusion. I’m not happy with how things are between us.

I try so hard to be patient. Understanding he is going through his own stuff. I have no problem with that. My problem is the fact that he will not communicate with me.

He cannot see that I can be a friend… as well as a partner. To help each other heal. To help each other see other perspectives. To help each other recognize the obstacles in our paths… so each of us can work through our own issues.

Just having that support can make all the difference in the world.

His dead air pushes my patience. Leaves me questioning whether I should hold on to hope and faith. Remain loyal to him. Or… should I walk away?

Does he care how devastating it would be for me to walk away?

I could do it. I know I would survive this. But I know I would never be the same.

I know there would be much of me that would die inside. This frightens me. This late in my life… after all the lost love I have endured throughout the years. I know me. I would not ever care to ever love again.

There comes a time when a beautiful heart becomes too tired.

He cannot see… or, he does not care… how it hurts to feel he does not feel safe or secure enough to come to me as a friend to help him deal with his pain.

To give him different perspectives. To give him support and encouragement for facing those issues we all face about ourselves that can be so difficult to look at and work on.

To do so in a gentle and compassionate way.

I feel we are… both… strong enough to accomplish this.

There is something so strong inside me that tells me this is why we came to know each other… from the very beginning. To help each other heal. To be in each other’s corner. To be that honesty with gentleness and compassion that only encourages us to overcome our pain.

To journey through it all with each other and become two incredible human beings on the other side.

It’s not a deep dive into some shallow love relationship I’m looking for. Hot and heavy on the scale of similarity to hooking up in some nightclub. Walking out the door at closing time… thoughtlessly heading into a tornado that only dies off in a short period of time.

Not that they all turn out that way. But too many do. And I want nothing like that.

My prayer is for a reality in the lives of two people who need to heal and want to become the very best that the Divine intended for each of them.

To be courageous enough to allow each other inside for offering raw objectivity. Helping one another see issues and obstacles we’re not able to see in ourselves.

Being that needed support that gives each other that safe feeling and courage to overcome issues causing us pain and/or confusion.

Being able to look at one another as we scratch off one more issue from that list… and feel we are looking at the one person that makes us want to knock out that entire list… so easily. Taking a moment to soak in all those wonderful feelings it gives us to realize this.

He cannot see I do have a life. He cannot see I am very busy myself… with daily tasks and working on my own goals. Making my own personal dreams become real. Working on me as much as I can.

But he also cannot see the mountains I could climb with a smile… the doubled joy in my heart… that incredible load of energy and enthusiasm… simply by having communication with him on a regular basis.

And he cannot see the same difference it could bring for him. If only he would let me.

All I can do on my own is put this in the hands of The Divine and The Universe. And continue to pray for him. Beyond that… there is only one truth I know for sure about us.

So much to walk away from. Too much.

Forever a Milestone for Me – 2019

Deep lessons I learned this year, which came with great sacrifice and loss. But compensation was taking back my power and finding Teresa.

I can only pray for others that no longer understand me and/or want to be around me… and hope life and the universe bring them around to choosing to heal themselves.

I love them all. But the cycles needed to stop somewhere. Cleansing needed to begin somewhere.

One man wasn’t my only problem. I brought my own issues to the table. And there were others involved.

Adult children in this country need to wake up and look at themselves. I’m not alone when I say this. I’m hearing parents of grown children everywhere saying the very same thing.

It blows my mind. It breaks my heart. For all of us.

None of us is perfect. We never reach any particular age and know it all. Learning never ends for any of us… including parents.

The fork in the road led me to two choices of paths. I took the better road. They don’t know. I was one hair away from checking out. Nobody would ever get to have me ever again… if I couldn’t have myself.

So there. I chose hope.

I learned we all asked for this experience of Life on this planet. We had to get here some way. God made a way. All He expects is for us to be guided until we become adults.

I learned nobody is perfect. Many fail at being guides. There is no manual.

But we all get a second chance. It’s called becoming an adult.

That’s when we have the freedom to choose seeking healing to exude that unique soul inside each one of us… that we bring to this life… and take with us when we leave.

Until every one of us finds that healing… we will never have that reunion. And ‘We’ is every soul on this planet… especially families.

I learned about real love.

I found real love in me.

I learned TRUTH.

I learned how to become free from being mentally conditioned… manipulated… controlled.

I witnessed hope in a 16 year old young lady that set this world on its toes… as she traveled all around the world… lighting fires in hearts that DO CARE… EXPECT TRUTH… DESERVE TRUTH… EXPECT CHANGE… DESERVE CHANGE… for the HIGHEST GOOD OF ALL.

Greta gave me courage. Strength. Hope.

And speaking of…

Strength. Self-Worth. Value. Fair Boundaries. Peace. Tranquility. Balance. Happiness.

Goals I have reached!

I pray this hits home for so many others. If you’re hurting… Seek an Empath. Seek a Spiritual Healer. Seek a Reiki Healer. Google the words. You’ll never regret it.

Learn the TRUTH about Tarot. It saved my life.

Happy New Year, everyone!

2020 is gonna be so awesome!

*** “Serendipity” – Card #18 from Wisdom of The Oracle Deck by Colette Baron-Reid. (Click here) to read the meaning of the card.

Some Journeys Go Around The Holidays

I’m at a point in my life where my trust in anything and anyone… has been absolutely shattered.

I’m feeling safer by just being alone at this time.

I’m not even capable of responding to messages on the Internet from any guy I don’t even know. Honestly… he’s better off if I don’t respond.

There is no telling what may be loaded in those darts I throw.

I’m really going through a lot of deep diving in this journey right now. The process has its days when sorting can be quite overwhelming. Issues surface from out of left field… totally unexpected.

But you can’t heal until you address the wound.

I have warned people before. I am raw honest. This is my journal about my journey.

Over the course of my life I’ve been forced… manipulated… even conned into holding back… in so many ways… for so many shallow-minded… mean… selfish reasons… by many people.

What have I learned from all that so far? I’m learning how to avoid putting myself in those scenarios.

But for now… this is my turn. And there’s no holding back from purging anything.

So put on your seatbelt.

Because today I’m talking about… sex.

Serious subject for me. I don’t take it for granted. And I have put a halt to me being taken for granted in general. But even more-so… with sex.

I communicate some really deep emotions through sex. For me… it is making love. I’m saying ‘I love you’… in the deepest way possible.

Having your child… was my way of saying how much.

Yeah. Missed the message. Didn’t you!

Well. I tried.

Sex is not part of some daily routine for me… like Pilates… Yoga… Jogging… or some other daily exercise.

Yeah. I don’t do the Quickie before heading to the grocery store… or the races… or a family dinner… or even before going out dancing. I might be looked at… or maybe even touched on my arm like a feather enough to make us forget about going to the grocery store. And the only thing possibly happening after getting dressed and before going out dancing might be a couple shots.

Just sayin’. Gotta catch us, first! lol

But.. no. Sex is not a glimpse in my book.

When you’re having sex with me… you need to understand that I am telling you this is not just some date with me. I am letting you know that my feelings for you go deeper than just dating. I’m letting you know that I want to have an exclusive relationship with you. I’m telling you that I love you. And I’m letting you know that I want to fall in love with you.

And if that’s too deep for you… feel free to go find a more shallow… pond!

Promises don’t count anymore. Too many men have broken promises to me.

Noooo. Actually… the pathetic truth in that statement is… I have not had sex with every man that’s broken a promise to me.

Been a long time since I’ve even been around any man that can be trusted by his word.

My two marriages were quite… dynamic… in their own special way.

My first marriage… I ended up having sex with multiple partners. The man I was married to… and whatever friend he invited into our bed with us each night.

Jim Beam… Johnnie Walker… Jack Daniels… whatever. And that crap got old… really quickly.

Believe me… saying ‘I love you’ was… far from anything I had to say to any of them. Most of the time… it was… “Goodnight.”

Ask him! Oh wait…. he probably will not remember. There were nights we did and he still thinks we didn’t. What else can I say?

My last marriage… I have no idea what to even say.

Okay. Let’s try this. I never got a fair chance to start saying, ‘I love you.’

Yeah. Almost 18 years.

Reconstituted Virgin I am!

Shut up. I AM being nice. You weren’t there.

I had a post come through my feed somewhere (I hop around like a cricket on my breaks) earlier this week… asking a question.

“If you could go back and do one thing in your life… what would it be?”

My first thought was…

“I’d go ahead and follow through with my plans… that night I changed my mind and decided not to go out to Scruples on the night before Thanksgiving, 1991.”

Back then… everybody that was living out of town always came home for the holidays.

The true love of my life was hit and killed while trying to cross the street to get to his pickup after walking out of Scruples that night… actually, around 12:30am Thanksgiving morning.

Everybody had practically crawled over each other… three years prior… to get to me and tell me he was getting married… two weeks after I came back home from California. Of course, I knew the truth about why and all. And she had to live through the truth… which had to be difficult. He had free choice. I loved him that much. And yes. It hurt.

I ended up having to move out of town. I could not go out anywhere with friends… without him being there with her. To be expected. Small town. But when I’d walk inside a place… he’d forget she was even there. He even pinned me in the hallway to the bathrooms one night… while she sat at a table seeing everything. I couldn’t allow that.

Some of my words… “No, Skippy. I will not let you do this to her.”

He made the 4-hour drive to come looking for me one weekend. Found him and one of our friends on the dam. Drunk… bleeding. Tony’s truck torn up. They’d hit some elder lady’s car on the dam. I insisted we keep driving to the house… where I called his brother. Left a message. By then… I’d heard about rumors she was going around town spreading… things I was supposed to be doing around town… while I was living over 200 miles away.

I’ve always known. I’m just that damn good. Ya’ know? Right. (smdh)

I wasn’t about to give her anymore fodder. She’d done well enough on her own. I knew they were going to jail. I knew his brother would come bail them out.

What I didn’t know was… he was coming to find me… and tell me the divorce had been filed. None of his so-called ‘friends’ ever bothered to call and tell me anything then… despite having the toll-free number for my shop.

Remember… this was winter… 1991. Did we even have cellphones then?

I found out later… the divorce was supposed to be final on Thanksgiving Day.

But I woke up Thanksgiving morning, 1991… made coffee. Walked outside to take the dog out to go pee and get the newspaper. Came in. Poured my cup of coffee. Sat down with the newspaper. Opened it to Page 2.

I do not remember much about my life from that morning… Until January 1992. I do remember nothing making sense. I remember feeling as if my presence on this planet no longer made any sense.

Jen and I back in California. Living with my birth parents. I decided to go to school to become a state certified Animal Health Technician. They’re strict in California. You can’t get in with experience, alone.

This was supposed to be the thread that would keep me hanging on. It didn’t turn out that way. But that’s a whole different chapter about my survival.

I lived with guilt… for DECADES. Thinking I could have saved him… if only I had gone ahead and gone out to the club that night.

It was 2007. I was washing dishes. Thinking about Skip. The guilt sent me into tears. This pain never went away. Something I just never could quit thinking about. It happened a lot. But on this particular day… something different happened.

I heard my Daddy. “Baby. It wasn’t your time to go. You understand?”

After all those years… he showed me the reality I had never even considered. He decided it was time for me to know the truth… 16 years later.

I would have gone with Skip. Who would take care of Jennifer?

And then I realized… it was my Daddy that put that sick feeling in my gut that made me change my mind that night. Overwhelming guilt in my head about leaving Jen with Mara to babysit. But he did it to save my life. And he was worried about Jennifer as well.

I don’t know why it took so long. Maybe it was Skippy’s request. With all the wisdom and understanding I have now… that would make perfect sense. And I guess I would deserve it.

Wanting me to hurt as much as he loved me. So I could finally see… he really did love me. He really was faithful to me. He wasn’t screwing around on me… like all the other guys I watched doing to their wives and girlfriends when I drove to Matagorda for the weekend.

I sabotaged that relationship with the love of my life… out of fear. If all the other guys were cheating… why should I believe he was being a perfect angel for me?

The truth is… he was. I just did not have any self-confidence to believe I was worth being loved that much… in the very way I always wished and hoped for. Forget loving myself. I didn’t even know myself. I’d never been allowed to know myself freely. Teresa was already shoved down in her little pinky toe.

But just as I’m writing this post… I’m realizing… my Daddy came to me with the message around the time I… finally confessed to my… new-ex… out loud… the fact that I would not be married to him… if Skip were still on this planet.

The longer I think about that question… I would go even further back in time… for that one thing I would do over again in my life… if I could.

Skip knows exactly what night I’m talking about. To have all the knowledge I have about life and spiritualism today. To get the chance to go back to that night. Everything in my life would take that road God intended.

Skip’s over there with my Daddy now. He knows everything as well… just like my Daddy. And he’s very well aware that I’ve never made it any secret to anyone close to me that knew him.

He was the love of my life. I would have had another dozen kids with that man. And he tried! He fought me with the birth control!

You couldn’t put crazy past Skippy Bullard! That is God’s honest truth! Anybody still living who knew him will verify!

But today… life is what it is. And just knowing the truth is enough for both of us. It has to be. We can’t go back.

Still… here I am. But everything changes as I move forward in this journey. I learn more about who I am… and what I no longer have to put up with. What I no longer have to fear. What I no longer have to settle for. What I have every right to receive for all that I give. And when I’m pushed… I push back.

I deserve love in all the best ways… for all the right reasons.

I deserve my love to be accepted in all its forms as truth and with complete understanding.

Unfortunately… trust… will be the most difficult challenge for any other man to earn from me and build with me… before making it through these castle walls that protect me.

Now you see why I’m prepared to be alone?

At least I’m honest.

*** Interesting reading about the meaning behind the card I drew after finishing this post. (Click Here) to get there.

Releasing The Fixer

I’m being shown the necessity for me to learn more in releasing my obsession with wanting to be The Fixer for those I love.

I’ve found the whole process has been so much easier for me to gain a stable hand with loving understanding… when it comes to my children.

I think that ease may come from knowing they’re younger and assuming they have much more time in their lives to gain their own wisdom in the journey.

However… there comes a bittersweet acknowledgement of knowing… that assumption is such a high risk. The unexpected death of a child gone way too soon is something that will always tear down that dam and bring on those mournful tears that soak my T-shirts.

And that is where… almost sitting parallel on my table of thoughts… I find how I still need more time to hone my release of being The Fixer for whomever I have chosen to commit my heart as a life partner.

To love… truly and deeply… is to only want a vision of never seeing them in pain. That goes for anyone I love… my children… friends… family. The YOU I carry in my heart.

Somehow… a need is so strong for wanting that power to look them square into their eyes… and remove all that pain for them.

If only it were so easy… to gaze deeply into their eyes and set their world so perfectly as they wish. Send one tiny star to ignite all the happiness. Another to bring on the laughter and joy. One more to fill their entire being with my endless love that belongs to only them.

There is a reason why we call our time on this planet a journey. Each of us has to seek and find at our own pace. That’s how we learn how to completely absorb each and every facet to all the lessons in front of us for gaining fulfillment we all deserve in our lives.

To be The Fixer… is to cheat the other person.

Just for example…

Hand a kid $100.00 for no reason every week… no words exchanged. That is your intention… anyway. In time… let’s say 6 months… they would become capable of conning you into fronting them the $100.00 intended for the next 3 weeks to come… within only 2 weeks.

Am I lying? I mean… seriously.

Come the 3^rd day of the first week of the next month… they’re back again for another advance. What behavior do you think is going to show up… when you choose not to be The Fixer… and say, ‘no’?

They throw fits. They ‘hate your guts’! They can’t find enough vulgar pronouns to spit at you. They start spewing lies about you to others… fishing for a sucker… if you really want to get honest here!

Kids are smart… and stupid!

Eventually… once you’ve chosen not to be the obstacle in their way of their journey to learning all the lessons from that scenario… they get to choose how much asphalt they like eating… before they finally learn the lessons.

One way… or another… the lesson is there waiting for each of us. And one way… or another… we will learn the lesson. Because ‘God Always Gets The Last Word.’

And… “Daddy ALWAYS wins!”

Helloooo!!

As for not being The Fixer for the one my heart belongs to… I have to learn to stand back. Let them get there at their own pace. To get in the way with even good intentions… only brings confusion… frustration… anger… one huge boulder in their path.

That only extends the amount of time they have to endure before their gifts are seen through the light at the end of the tunnel.

I want him to see me standing at the end of that tunnel. I want him to discover… that strong thread of love I’ve been sending from my heart to his all this time… leads right to everything he’s been running from… searching to find.

Finally… we’ll be on the same page in life.

Only then… can 2 equally-minded souls iron out the plans… and the kinks… taking steps forward only when both are ready.

Only then… will both of us be able to feel… all that awesome stuff that shows up when everything is rolling on the same path.

My only personal wish at that point is… I hope it happens on a Harley!

Because… This Girl will never bend outside of Harley’s and Chevy’s!!

Period. End of that conversation!

Yeah… I know. I’m driving a Kia Soul. I wasn’t allowed to choose in 2015.

Drop it! Go have a great weekend!

** The card I drew after putting this post in place… #25 “Round and Round“… from Colette Baron Reid’s Wisdom of the Oracle Deck.

You can read it’s meaning by clicking here.

Snuffing Out Guilt with Truth

Okay… so, you’ve made a mistake of some sort. Big or small… immaterial. A mistake is a mistake.

Or… is it?

In this world… from the time we are toddlers until we die… this world tells us mistakes carry various levels of earned punitive guilt. And of course… most of us have experienced people having differing opinions about how much we should feel guilty and be punished for a mistake.

Read that again.

Let it sink in.

Look back.

Have you ever noticed before?

Do you see it now?

The cruelty we inflict on ourselves and each other is so wrong. How we respond and react is even worse.

Look… how many times have YOU even made these statements?

“We’re never too old to learn.”

“We’re here to live and learn.”

“If we’re not learning… we may as well be dead.”

But this world makes a lot of money by conditioning us to think this statement.

“Every misdeed receives punishment.”

You do this… you get that. You feel this way… unless you stop doing this… and go in another direction.

Are we really learning anything from this?

Were we really put on this planet to learn about consequences… and nothing else?

So many of us are so jacked up inside our minds… just from this one detail in our lives.

Look… it’s time to see the reality of a so-called… mistake.

We were put on this planet for learning about life.

God would never put us here for being punished whenever we fart in the wrong damn direction.

People on this planet have taken God’s purpose and twisted it… to make a LOT of money from it. And they begin the conditioning from the time we are toddlers.

The truth is…

We need to throw out the word ‘mistake’. Time to start throwing the money mongers off their game.

Bottom line… it’s AN EXPERIENCE. You get choices. If you make the wrong choice… the consequences come to you.

However… those consequences come way before any cop… any courtroom… any judge… and prison.

And we’ve all been conditioned to completely overlook those consequences… by the money mongers.

The true consequences sit inside your heart. And it’s up to you to see them. Sometimes… it takes the feelings of others impacted by your choices to help you see those consequences.

And LEARN the LESSON.

The lesson is THE END GAME.

If we all existed in this life God sent us to experience… doing everything perfectly… what would there be to learn?

Let that sink in.

You have free will. You have choices. You can choose not looking to find the consequences inside your heart.

You can choose to refuse learning the lesson.

But THAT is where you meet up with God. He always gets the last word. It’s always good. He is the Father. He raises His children to help them learn the lesson.

It’s when we choose to see the negativity in a choice we’ve made. That brings the learning from a lesson.

And People… THAT is why we’re all here.

It’s that simple.

It’s the truth.

Guilt only has a proper place when we choose to repeat making the same negative choices in any experience.

And THAT sucks all the energy out of our bodies and our experience of being in this life.

Even life-changing negative choices should be forgiven by others… once you learn the lesson from inside your heart and choose the choice that reciprocates only positive towards the universe.

If they refuse to forgive with kindness… see that as a lesson that THEY are needing to learn.

And weed them from your garden until that happens.

Never stand in the presence of those needing to learn lessons from negatives they are throwing at you. You become an obstacle in their path of learning in this life.

This world calls that ‘enabling’.

There is nothing sweeter on this earth for me… than watching someone recognize their wrong choice… taking the time to learn the lesson… and moving forward in a positive direction.

That’s when I forgive. That’s when I love forgiving!!

Forgiveness… this world says we should forgive… even when we don’t receive the apology.

I totally disagree.

It does not help serve the world when that person is out there… continuing with the same choices that bring negative impact on others.

That person is not being served with kindness when we choose to become an obstacle in their path in this life experience.

We stop them from the opportunity of being able to learn the lesson… when we just toss forgiveness to them.

Forgiveness IS to be earned by learning a lesson.

Being kind includes getting out of the way so a person can learn a lesson.

Reciprocity… Look it up in the Dictionary. This world survives on love… gentleness… kindness.

Try dishing out some of your own!

( This oracle card came out in reverse for me this morning… meaning the Protection Message applies in my circumstances. Click Here to read… and learn!)

When You Just Know

Back when I was living in Maryville, Tennessee… I loved going to Metro Pizza. I live too far to head there on a weekly basis… like I would have done… had I been divorced then.

Sal. I adored him! He’d sit at a table with his beer… while he let his ‘students’ practice all he’d taught them. Yeah… beer. Ha!

I struggled with eating my Calzone while keeping one eye on him. I liked paying attention to him. He was funny! He was VERY charming! And I could tell… he was very wise.

I’d love the chance to sit and talk with him right now. I’d drive him crazy with questions. I think the first question would be, “Tell me, Sal. What were the difficulties of your life in Italy that pushed you to cross oceans and come all the way here to this gluttonous nation?”

I have no idea what the details would be. But… I’d bet on relating to the core in the body of his childhood.

This is something we all have in common… no matter where we come from… no matter where our childhood existed.

If one removes labels… removes status. Imagine us all as humans that become adults walking out of this enclosed courtyard… through giant wooden doors that fit castles… to venture out into the open world that we’ve been gifted. If we all become honest enough to look deeply and long enough… we’d discover PTSD in each and every one of us… on some level or another.

Geographical circumstances bear no difference.

It’s difficult when you are a human being that has taken the time to deal with your own. Taking that journey to find your truth… reclaim yourself… stand in your power that you’ve removed from the hands of others.

The challenge is incredible… treacherous… painful… even frightening. The ultimate accomplishment sits inside mustering up the courage… to jump off many cliffs… just to feel the solid ground under your feet.

Getting to the other side of it all… priceless AND precious.

Welcoming those mornings of waking up to feeling peace… joy… excitement… gratitude… thankfulness… love. All being gifted to yourself… before you take that next breath that will set you off to sharing with anyone else on the planet and into the universe.

It’s called Self-love. The reward for healing the inner-child… so you can fulfill the other half of the universe’s intention. Sharing all that love you have… to give… and receive… with a partner in life.

This world conditions us with so many restrictive and negative nonsensical ‘rules of engagement’ for being a human being. The truth behind it all… Just follow the money and follow the history. Some things never change. And too many generations have never been trained to consider the fact that manipulative practices have existed since Day One. The difference is… the last word that God always gets… is always good.

God has tried cleaning up the mess until He’s blue in the face. He tried the flood. He sent Jesus. You never saw Jesus shoving an offering plate in everybody’s face. But he sure knew how to stretch a few fish and loaves of bread among the multitudes sitting right there at His feet. And he never got a day off to go to Belize.

God even tried throwing in the Book of Revelations. (That’s been twisted from a father’s fair warning into a solid telling of the future… also for the sake of that offering plate) by churches… who preach that fortune telling is a sin… from one side of their mouth… while shoving it down your throat that you better get under the covers with their church because everything in Revelations is prophesized as a definite event… coming out of the other side of their mouth.

Think about that one.

Did you ever experience… one day in your life as a child… when your father told you… “I want you home by 7pm tomorrow night… because I’m going to take you to an inch from your death.” ????????

Now… correct me if I’m wrong. But I believe father’s practiced fair warnings from the time you could crawl. “Don’t touch that. It’ll burn your fingers.”

“I’ll smack your fingers if you touch that plug.”

“I’ll whip your butt if you break a window in this house.”

“I’ll leave your butt in jail, if you get stupid enough to put yourself in there.”

IF….

Beyond the Book of Revelations… I think God has given us free will to choose killing each other off. Are you seeing this truth, yet?

Think about that. I need to get back on topic.

We all end up with a little bit of PTSD coming out of childhood. Every family has their own closet filled with skeletons. No escaping that. Because we’re all human beings.

And nobody is perfect.

Our hope lies within ourselves. Finding that one thread we can pull… that will begin to unravel all the nasty woven conditioning that has robbed us from being able to recognize and reunite with our true authentic self…. The absolute secret to finding the path of love… to heal our inner-child… so we can love ourselves… and others. So we can feel safe about choosing a prospective life partner that we want to fall in love with… share reciprocity.

My journey has taken me to so many answers. So much clarity. So many rewards. Peace. Calmness. A loving heart without lack of trust. Courage. Strength. Finding my value. Standing in my truth without fear. Knowing and honoring what is best for me. Living my life for the highest good of all. Serving others.

That last one is a very difficult one for me at the moment. Painful.

To reach this side and get a good taste of it all. You only want to help someone else get a taste of it. But…

What do you do… when you know in your heart… there is a particular person that has absolutely no reason not to trust you… believe you… feel safe enough to just unload everything crossing their mind into your lap while you just listen?

What do you do… when you just know? You’ve put yourself in an imaginary scenario where you’re forced to make a choice. And you can actually claim… without a second thought… “Yeah. I could do it.” You would die for them.

But they’re too afraid to stop running from having to feel anything in that safe haven.

I’ve been on both sides of the fence.

And right now… I’m leaning on my favorite slogans I learned in Al-a-teen.

“Let go and Let God.”

“One Day at a Time.”

“Teresa… are you referring to the man you’re divorcing?”

Are you joking? I would have to be out of my ever-loving mind to do something like that. I’m getting out of a marriage that’s been more dead than The Dead Sea for over a decade.

NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT! Never again. NOT happening. He is in God’s hands.

I choose living in my truth.

I pray. I breathe… while standing in faith. I send my love through the universe. And I wait for them to catch up in their own journey. I stand firm in believing and trusting God’s seeing to it that they do so. Because they… truly… deserve to feel love and happiness.

“This… or something better… now manifests for me… in divine… appropriate timing.”

(Thank you, Colette!)

The Ashes are Stirring

This morning has been overwhelming in the area of emotion. Listening to Tarot with Tilly… her upload for this morning’s collective reading… everything I was experiencing in the morning began making perfect sense.

Right off the bat… resisting Alan. I could feel him thinking of me. And for the first time… I didn’t want to feel that.

The tears just overwhelmed me.

This resistance coming from inside me felt so strange. It was confusing. Resisting and sobbing at the same time. Yet… I welcomed both.

Lately, I’ve been very withdrawn. Deliberately. I’ve needed time alone. I know I’m going through a strong period of time in my life where I’m shedding my skin… releasing all those in my world that have not been for my highest good. Those that have only entered moments in my life when they needed something from me. Those that have always expected my presence in their lives and giving them the support they need. When the end result has been… they have never been there for me in return.

You know who you are.

It is true… you can count your true friends on one hand. I love you, Deb. This shoe I’m throwing this morning does not fit you.

And I love… and thank God for my Aunt Judy and Uncle Danny.

I could not figure out why I found myself moving around the house… doing things… setting up dishes to wash… clearing tables… unpacking… organizing… while just sobbing the whole time.

And then it dawned on me. I recognized EXACTLY where I was standing… while living in my now. I realize why I am here in this solitude… withdrawn… going within to be with my inner-child… while I deal with this divorce and all the loss.

I’ve been here before. It is my safe place. But it is a different place in my eyes and heart this morning. Because I see a LOT of ‘house cleaning’ that I need to do.

There is another whole level of healing in this safe place for me to tend. Healing before cutting cords… to honor courage… knowledge… truth. Standing in my own… rather than succumbing to the opinions of others.

Total disregard of my own choices… desires… wishes… decisions… everything I feel is best for me. So many years of subjecting myself to allowing others to force their own onto me. Many times being left behind to suffer terrible consequences… while they walked away.

No more. It comes to an end. I feel driven to Shed that damage… and come out on the other side with Strength in all the goodness that makes me who I really am… The Soul nobody has ever bothered to dig deep and discover.

I’ve learned through Tarot that there are cords which connect our existence in the now… all the way back to our childhood. In my case… I see clearly now… where those cords grew very thick in my marriage. Looking further back… I see the common denominator with their existence in my childhood.

I’m in my safe place right now… because I’m free to give myself the love and support… emotional contact… that every soul needs… wants… requires… deserves… to share with others. It was so absent in my marriage… same as in my childhood… and even now.

Eddie Altum was the last person to ever give me a really good hug. What… the year 2000… as far as I can remember.

The absence of reciprocity… looks like some sewage reservoir that has existed as one of the most profound areas in my being… all my life.

My safe place is where I’ve always gone to hide. I could go there… when I wanted to get away from having to give anything of myself… to all others that only cared enough to take from me.

And in the case of my marriage… I woke up one morning… understanding the declaration from my heart and mind warning me… that they just did not have one more drop… to give.

I’ve come to peace with my decision of… “Fine. You have nothing to give in return? I have nothing more to give of myself to you.”

That has become a very healing truth coin I keep in my pocket.

I have gained very deep pockets. And I am earning many versions of the Coins of Reciprocity I only wish to carry.

I am a human being… before I am anyone else… to anyone else on this planet.

And Dane Hart is absolutely correct. “It is my right to live my truth and NOT have it affected by ANYONE else.”

Yet… when that well of giving begins to swell again… it craves finding someone… to give to. So willing. So able. So tender. So damaged. So blind.

But all that giving lands… once again… in the lap of… desperate takers. Filling their boredom… entertaining their ego… who knows.

But this woman no longer cares. Everything… is changing. That sewage reservoir is disappearing.

She can have her own feelings of love for others… and protect them from those very souls. Refusing to give all that love to them… to keep them from taking it.

Taking all she is… and all she has to give… for granted. Abusing it… giving nothing in return… walking away until… they need from her again.

Devastating and destroying the God-given goodness… of the soul from which they merely robbed.

No more. Never again. Not even my Spiritual Twin-Flame will cause me any further hurt and pain. I’ve reached the point of resisting… with more than enough strength… from that very first clench in my heart… caused by him thinking of me.

You want a war honoring your Selfishness? You got it. Whomever you may be.

And you lose. Because right now… my level of selfishness is way too strong for you to conquer robbing me of all the love I feel inside.

And that’s why… I feel so comfortable and safe in my place of solitude and healing. The ashes are stirring. Strength grows there. And there is nothing… and nobody… that will ever succeed getting inside there… ever again.

I am all mine.

I will come to the other side of this. But this time… Any strength in me seen before by anyone… will amount to bread crumbs… compared to what is rising inside me now.

I will no longer… need… anyone… to love me. I will be enough love for me.

I ALREADY AM enough.

Serious Deadline – August 2, 2019

I’m one of those people that try to handle my own crap. This ‘amicable’ divorce has been one of them. I’ve been fairly silent while trying to handle things. But I’m backed against a wall and can no longer stay silent.

I need Angels. It’s time to step out of the box… like a Rebel.

When we discussed divorce in November, 2018… his very first move next morning was to go to work and contact Benefits and have his Beneficiary changed over to his nephew. A few days later… he cried… begged me to help him with the cattle until March, 2019. I agreed.

March came. My part of the deal was completed. I went to find a job. I guess he was shocked that I got the job I wanted. Who knows. All I know is what happened next. He became very nasty.

Like everything else… the idea of looking at me to get the ball rolling on an idea that fell into his head. His idea was his decision… as far as he was concerned. Papers would be printed off the Internet, we would sign them, get one attorney… to file the papers… and I would just leave with whatever he didn’t want to take with him to Missouri.

And that included every dime he hid in another bank account without giving me access.

In the meantime… he paid off the loan he got on a Zero-turn mower that appeared out of nowhere in our basement garage. He spent a few grand on his 1-ton Ram Dually.

He paid off the KIA Soul (he said the balance was around $6,000.00)… which was HIS choice for me to have for a car of my own. He paid it off. But has refused to put the car in my name. And then forced me to pay for renewing the tags this year.

His decision to walk away from the house and let it foreclose changed… after I had put up with him pushing me to find the attorney to get the papers printed and filed… yada, yada.

“When are you gonna get busy? When are we gonna do this?” That has ALWAYS… WITHOUT FAILURE… meant in reality… when would me, myself and I… make whatever fell into in his head happen.

Well… I made things happen. I went and got an attorney. And that… thoroughly… pissed… him… off. Bottom line, he never expected me to become a little wise.

Hindsight is 20-20, always. And when I look back now… I should have packed suitcases for Jen and myself and forced him to pay for plane tickets back to California… when his 16 year old daughter informed me that the divorce between him and her mother was not final… first month we were living in Tennessee. He had lied to me. I believed him. I trusted him. I gave in to moving to Tennessee to build a life with him.

THIS will NEVER happen to me… ever again.

Once he knew I’d gone to retain an attorney…. he realized I’d been informed of all my rights in the distribution of marital assets. His first thought was of not having the cash he thought he’d have for buying his big farm in Missouri. He’d have to get a loan. He’d need to keep his credit intact. (Of course… I’d been told for years, “You don’t need to worry about your credit score.”)

So he changes his mind and decides to put the house up for sale. Without saying a word to me… knowing that my name is on the Deed to the house… I come home from work one evening and he tells me that he needs me to help him get the house ready because somebody’s coming to look at the house. He had already hooked up with Real Estate Agents. They had already been to our house… while I was at work.

People ask me why I signed the papers given to me by him and the real estate agents. Trust me… there are realities to the truth that you would not be able to wrap your head around. I am learning about a person I married and never knew existed.

The only action he performed in March was putting in his retirement notice… never telling me until the last week of March. All our insurance fell out at the end of April.

I’m working an average of 16-hours-per-week at Home Depot, making $11.00 per hour. Jennifer’s off on one of her little unbalanced moments in life. And frankly… I can’t handle her drama right now. I have no other family here.

I have no friends. That’s another thing he managed to accomplish. Isolating me from all his coworkers and acquaintances. But… I can say this. After working for that Airline for 27 years… his last day was like every other day there. Not even a cake. No thank-you… nothing.

I’m not able to go to my doctor for checkups. I’m paying for my therapy appointment. I have to pay for my meds… all this compliments of everything I’ve endured with him. I was able to stop taking my blood pressure meds 2 days after asking for the divorce. But my blood pressure has been back up and I can’t afford to go to the doctor to get checked out.

I’ve had to pay for gas in the car. I’m probably gonna have pay for insurance… and God knows what else now.

All the photos I’ve posted on my Facebook page and Instagram… of all the things I’ve done in my life here, while married to this man. Handling cattle by myself. Raising vegetables and chickens for eggs and food to can, freeze and dehydrate. All the errands… grocery shopping, trips to Costco… covering up to 5 counties in East Tennessee to find vaccines… even feed at times.

Having to get a neighbor to help me cart a newborn calf into the barn during a nasty storm loaded with lightning. Coaxing the bull back into his paddock after he broke through the fence. Mowing acreage because it grew too fast before his next day off.

Laundry… cleaning… cooking… too busy for making new friends. While he was pulling pranks on coworkers inside a hangar. If I called for help… “I’m at work. I can’t leave.”

And dealing with it all… around shift changes during the year… which forced me to work around it… or… wait around it… and led to me being the one getting the least amount of sleep. Finally… I put a stop to me getting up at 2:30am to fix his damn lunches. I decided it was time for him to be a big boy and fix his own damn lunches… so I could get some sleep.

I came home from work this past Friday evening. Found a Penske Moving Box Truck in the yard. He left out of here on Saturday. Said he’d be back for the rest of his things and the cows in a week.

Every time I’ve asked him for money to help me move… his answer has been, “My attorney says, No.”

We close on August 2, 2019. I sit here packing and going to work… knowing I have to bring a minimum of $500.00 with me to the Mediation… which was scheduled on August 13th (soooo conveniently) by HIS attorney…. AFTER the closing on the house.) Yesterday I was informed the date for Mediation has now been moved up to mid-September.

I need Angels. Are there any out there?