Looking Deep for Love Inside

 

I made a run up to the Little Pigeon River and made the loop around Cades Cove a few days ago.  I needed to blow out some cobwebs and clear my heart and mind.  Spring flowers… the flow of the water… just wandering through the trees helps.

Brings that childlike innocence of adventuring in nature back to my center.  Best kind of vitamin for me.

Winter has been strange this year.  Spring is looking very strange around the park.  Like the feel of February.

Everything is taking it’s sweet time waking up.  I was there on Friday.  And I said then… that it felt like all the trees were saying we’re not quite ready, yet.  Normally… we should be seeing all the greenery popping under the canopies… flower buds preparing to burst open.

Sunday morning… sure enough.  Coming back from town I could see all the snow on the mountains.

But even the mountains seem to possess that same little secret I’ve used for a survival tool all my life.  “Even in the worst of situations… it simply takes searching a little deeper to find the good… the positive.”

The closer I got to the ground… the more hope I began finding!

Sometimes… you just have to keep searching… to find everything that lives inside you.  Like a game of Hide ‘n Seek… once it sees you… the love finally lets go and brings that smile to your face and joy in your heart!

Paychecks Do Not Define My Qualifications

My greatest challenge in my journey to reclaim Teresa after almost 18 years of marriage… is stepping into the workforce to support myself financially.  This is the longest period of time I’ve gone without having a job where someone hands me a paycheck.

That does not mean I haven’t been employed.  Farms and ranches hire and pay people to do what I’ve been doing.  I just happen to be that farmer/rancher… on a smaller scale.

However… that job also shared me with all the tasks on the domestic front.  And when you live in a rural area… you become one of the Oil Industry’s sweetest customers.  You burn a lot of gas driving around several counties… grocery shopping… loading 50 lb. and 100 lb. sacks of feed… hunting down veterinary vaccines and other health aids… your own medical appointments… you name it.

And you still have all those other errands that we all tend to in city life.  Hair salon appointments… shopping for clothing and shoes… cultural events.  Just a few examples.

I have worked harder than any job where I’ve ever collected a paycheck… including working on that tarmac at McGhee-Tyson Airport.

Cattle do not care if there is a foot of mud in the paddock… the hotwire fencing is covered in a half-inch insulation of pure ice… rain is coming sideways like a solid blanket… temperatures are 110* Fahrenheit…. or… -16* fahrenheit.  They need to eat.  And they can’t feed themselves.

I’ve set up excel sheets for each animal.  Healthcare… Breeding… Birthing.  I’ve maintained keeping track of serial and lot numbers of all pharmaceuticals administered to our animals.

NO… we don’t use antibiotics and such… until they become ill.  And we’ve only had two cases in all these years.  But we do immunize for preventative measures against disease.

I’ve handled the sterile process for pulling tail hairs… electronically submitted Genetics Testing Requisitions and payments to U.C. Davis… and followed through with hard copies included with tail hairs through USPS.  I’ve dealt with similar process for registering certain animals through one of the breed’s associations.

I’m 4’11″… female… and 59 years old.  And I’ve been handling all this with my soon-to-be ex-husband… while he has maintained commuting to a job in the airlines… where he works inside a hangar for 12 hours each day.  His schedule has never been consistent.  And I’ve dealt with a great deal of time tending to our cattle by myself… which is done so twice daily.

There were two of us that refurbished an old tobacco barn built in 1920. Tearing out a third… while reconstructing inside for stalls and a tack room.  There have been two of us setting in fence posts… running webbed wire and hotwire for construction of paddocks and pasture area.

There have been two of us offloading round bales of hay from the bed of a pickup truck and livestock trailer.

The calves come.  Bottle feeding was an experience required on one occasion (thank God!)… through the day and night.  Training for handling with halters and lead ropes.  I’ve trained every one of our cattle for handling in an open area with no fencing.  I’ve trained our first bull to do whatever I asked… simply by verbal commands… with complete success.

I’ve tended a vegetable garden… raising vegetables that I spent time prepping… canning… freezing… and drying… to save on the grocery bill.

I’ve done my own baking… including bread.  I’m being told my cooking will be greatly missed.

Please remember… I’ve had all the housework… cooking… laundry and errands…  while handling my main job… which landed me no paycheck.

How many people in this country are being given a paycheck to handle each one of the tasks I’ve just laid out in this post?

I think I’m qualified for a really good job.  I think I come to the table with a lot of tenacity… commitment… common sense… problem solving… intelligence… fortitude… and GUTS… just to name a few good qualities.

I’m worth much more than only being regarded as not having been given a paycheck in a decade and being 59 years old.

 

That Fork in The Road

Sometimes… one can go years in a marriage before realizing… there’s a fork in this road.  One realizes they’re wanting to go in a different direction.  And suddenly… the entire picture of life begins to look so much more brighter… simpler… happier.

Such became the case in my journey to reclaim Teresa.  I reached a point where the stress in the struggle had affected me physically… to the point of taking anti-depressants… anxiety meds… and then came blood pressure meds.

Time was closing in on me.  A decision to move to Missouri was racing on the calendar.  And I wanted to wrap an anchor onto a pier… more and more… every day I awoke.  But when the blood pressure meds came into the picture… I knew I had to sort out and find my strength to decide which direction I was going.

By then… I had so many reasons why I did not want to move to Missouri.  This marriage was sucking life out of me.  Moving to Missouri would isolate me even more… bringing me to my death much sooner.   And I’d decided I wanted to come back alive… and live.

People grow… and change.  We all do.  And it’s not fair for one person to have the comforts of growing in their own journey… while expecting the other to conform… at the expense of leaving their true self way back… years behind.  Time lost.  Soul damaged.  One thread left for hanging on.

Especially when an angel has come onto the scene… and reminded you of who… you really are.  I mean… if that doesn’t bring you a wake-up call… God take you on home.

It just felt like pure common sense to make my case and ask for a divorce.  I was finished with life being all about convenience for someone else… at the expense of my health… well-being and happiness.

I was scheduled to see my doctor 3 days later… for a regular follow-up.  We never got through the usual routine.  Being granted a divorce had my blood pressure drop… too low!  My doctor took me off the blood pressure med.  We expect I’ll be able to stop taking my other two meds once the divorce matters are all in the past.

Amicable.  Fair.  That will be this divorce.  He’s just happy that I’m not wanting to clean his clock out.  I’m shocked that he wants to continue raising cattle.  He says they’re his kids.  Nobody can take these kids away from him.  Believe me.  I get that.  If that’s what makes him happy… I’m happy for him.

But I deserve to be happy…  just as much.  And I have so many reasons to feel excited about getting that chance!

Breaking away… True Self… Amicable… Fair… Truths… Self-Love… Self-Respect… Happiness… Joy… New Love… etc..

These… and many more… are all good things that each of us deserve to embed in our lives while we’re here.  There is no law that says we must give up these things… for anyone else.  Nor should we ever think we are entitled to snuff out those same candles in any other good soul.

Take time to examine how much of these good things you have in your life.  If you find any missing… make time.  Make the effort.  Feed your soul with the goodness it deserves.

Remember…. you are Love.  Be kind to yourself.  And be kind to others.