Healing – Page 3 – My Morning's Heart

Always Thankful and Grateful!

Today is Thanksgiving Day in America. The holiday tends to have a quirky nonsense to me anymore. For one thing… the Commercialism of the holiday has become shamefully insane.

I’m grateful for the years in my childhood when I was able to actually enjoy watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. It’s not worth bothering with the few minutes buried under all the television commercials anymore. Sad. Disgusting. Really disgusting.

But importantly… Every day is a day of Thanksgiving in my life. I never let a day pass without giving thanks and expressing my gratitude. So many reasons to feel so thankful and grateful. Feelings that should never be ignored.

But out of respect for the holiday… I have put a few little ‘extras’ into the dinner I’m preparing. My first Thanksgiving after Divorce! Ha!

Cornish Game Hens… rather than Turkey. Common any day of the week in my kitchen. But to honor the main Character on the table for the holiday… I scheduled specifically.

I even prefer these over chicken. They add so much more flavor to Chicken Salad! (Ha! Beaten out by the little girl!)

My apologies to all you chicken farmers… but it’s true! You’ve dumbed down the flavor. See if you can fix it. ORGANICALLY… please. Then… we can talk! Lol

I made my bread dressing! This year… I get to make it… my way. Oooooooooooooh!

Fresh Spinach… steamed in butter!

You don’t bring that canned, or, Cool Whip crap in MY house!! Carlie approved! A huge dollop from one of those beaters hit the floor! LOL

I’m making Pumpkin Custard dessert… instead of Pumpkin Pie. Again… making it… my way. AND… I get to put roasted pecans over the whipped cream. LOL

Homemade Cranberry Sauce. And this year… I got to follow the recipe. Because TERESA likes the squeezed orange juice AND the cinnamon! Lol

Candied Yams! Yessss! My sauce… my way! Doubling up on the Marshmallows!

They’re in there. Under all that butter!

I can hardly wait!

Wine. My favorite Go-To for casual. Barefoot’s Pinot Grigio! It’s a Girl Thing… made by Girls!

Of course… my guest won’t be having wine.

She’ll be having Apple Juice!

Cornish Game Hen(s). Did you catch that earlier?

One for me… One for Miss Carlie! Completely de-boned… of course! But she gets all the other dishes right along with the main entrée!

Yes. I’m having Thanksgiving Dinner with my Basset Hound! She lives here. She’s family. She’s here. She’s included!

I’m thankful for her presence. I’m grateful to her. Over these past few months… there have been times of being lost in tears when Carlie has been here for me.

It’s like… she knows. She’ll come out of her crate in the bedroom and just… show up. Lays her head on my knee.

So yeah. I’m having Thanksgiving Dinner! And I have family here! And I can feel the presence of my Daddy and all the others over on the other side as well. Oh, the memories of all those Thanksgiving Holidays at Grandma and Grandpa Casteel’s little bitty house!

Anyway… we two girls… are going to flat-dab… pig out!!

And we should always take time out of our busy days… every day… to sit and take inventory of those particular blessings that fill our hearts with the love that gives us happiness.

Life is just way too short. We should never settle for less… or compromise whatever… or whomever… gives us that feeling as if our heart is just bubbling over with happiness.

Each of us is one soul that is responsible for ourselves. We are the ones who get to decide what makes ourselves happy. Just as I have learned… I am the only author of my story.

And we fall against the grain when we allow others to take that power from us. We cheat ourselves out of so many more blessings intended for us in this one short life on earth we’ve been granted.

Be thankful. Be grateful. None of us is ever alone. And Family isn’t defined within a box.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

Major Personal Wish Come True

One more wish come true and scratched off my Bucket List!

Thank you… Thank you… THANK YOU… Jeff Rains! You can find him on Instagram as thejeffrains.

Oh. You can also find him in Knoxville, Tennessee!

This has been a very personal endeavor of mine… for quite some time now. It has been placed on my left fore-arm. I’m left-handed. It’s there to grab my attention!

I think the timing was perfect for this one. I put a lot of thought… consideration… and sentiment into the story behind everything it represents for me. Subjects that are very precious to me. Secrets… that can only come out now.

The tattoo makes the statement of where I stand in my own truth.

“I am… The Only Author of My Story.”

Quite the play on words. And they all fit!

One of my major affirmations about by myself. The power to run my life and make my decisions now rests in my own hands today. Teresa has reclaimed herself. Free from anyone with bad intentions.

I am… is the last Being I will ever answer to when it’s all said and done… God.

No more submitting to anyone else’s insistence… and being left hanging in the nasty consequences.

I get to choose all that now goes on in my life. And I’ve already discovered those choices are turning out results that are pretty damn good… so far… I might add!

Where once this huge thick wall of hurt and pain kept me caged… all the devastation and disappointment caused by others that could send me falling apart crying anytime I had to look at it. Just to try talking about any of it… would bring this massive tidal wave that I came to despise.

Not anymore. No more tidal wave.

I was able to tell the story that relates to the tattoo… while Jeff was bringing it to life. Not one single tear. No tears from any of the stings as well!

I have wanted to reach this point so desperately… since I was a very… very young child.

The Quill… well. Some of us know what… some of us… have said about a feather. Right?!

I’m joking! It’s my Quill… for the writing of the message.

The Arrow… When I first saw the arrow… what came to me was the impact of this connection that hit me back in January, 2018… from oceans away. Took a couple months before it hit. Took a little more time trying to run from it!

Alan didn’t just give me courage in a game. I took that gift and applied it to my life… to my goal of reclaiming Teresa.

The color of the ribbon… his eyes… the color he described… and the fact that I have never seen them.

There remains a tough subject that carries continued struggle. You can only cover so much in an hour of therapy. Right?! I did get through explaining this part to Jeff without losing it. Although I didn’t get in very deep with many details.

I have always said… “Nobody really knows me.”

Today… I can say there are three people that probably know me best. Alan… My Aunt Judy… and my Therapist. Because I had to keep the peace… by keeping my own thoughts and feelings about my identity… myself… anything about me… to myself.

It was the only way to keep it legit… without lame… shallow… narcissistic excuses coming back at me… trying to water it all down to nothing.

The calligraphy in the tattoo is written in Portuguese… to honor my Paternal Grandmother, Beatrice Tavares. For the very short time that we were able to share with each other… there came a time when she had promised to teach me to speak Portuguese after I learned to speak Spanish.

The significance of her existence in my life has been another… secret issue. The truth… there was very little of this birthright… for which I was deprived.

Grandma Bea died in February, 2007… in Clear Lake, California… while I was hospitalized in Maryville, Tennessee with 18 staples in my gut after having an emergency hysterectomy. I believe she was 91.

It was the Tavares family’s opinion… upon meeting me in 1990… that I looked just like Grandma Bea.

I loved talking with her! I have spent many years feeling angry about manipulation in deprivation of any developed relationship with her.

What little I do know… so far… is this. As an adult… I can see the very strong woman she was… by the career she sustained and retired from… working in a ketchup factory in the Bay Area of California… taking care of 3 sons and a daughter… by herself… after a divorce.

She was wise. She had always planned and saved. She made sure she would be financially comfortable without any help from her children in her later years.

She enjoyed her own 1-bedroom apartment… and those senior bus trips with all her friends… all around the country! And when I did get the chance… I sat feeling so mesmerized… listening to her stories! I just enjoyed listening to her talk. She was funny!

I’ve never forgotten the short time I got to spend with her. And I live every day now… with the knowing that all that manipulation will fail. Because I will get to listen to her stories… all I want… when I cross over to the other side.

And NOBODY will get in the way of that happening.

For now… I’m wearing my very first Portuguese lesson!

I’m happy!

Full Moons and Castles

I opened up my Line account, yesterday. Had to open a new account. I named it TeresaMarie. Same name I had given one of my castles that I left behind when I quit playing Clash of Kings.

The app tried forcing me to go collect some pin number from my ‘other device’ before I could have my original account back.

That would be… two cellphones behind my life. I’m not even sure I still have the damn thing.

This request… from an android app. Amazing. Maybe I should go back to school and learn some tech geek… formalities. I’d be ahead of the game… with common sense.

We’re about to receive another Full Moon. Reaches our area at 8:34 am eastern time in the U.S.A. on Tuesday. This full moon is packed with more than the usual. Click here to gain a bit of insight.

We had a beautiful day today. We’ll have rain before I find my pillow tonight. We’ll have snow when I wake up. Welcome to East Tennessee. Ha!

I’ll be staying inside all day while it snows… having fun with more sewing! I like the fact that I’ve learned to set my boundaries when it comes to discussing all I am doing with my passion.

Which means I’m not sharing much. ;)~

I’m spending just as much time learning from other sources. There are so many special techniques that are necessary for all that I have in mind. I’m one who values the time I put into anything I do. So it only makes sense that I give it all the very best possible.

This is about… Me… my goal… My individuality. And this is on my terms.

Does this mean I’m some Control Freak? I can answer this honestly.

I am the first of all humans uncomfortable in the presence of my flaws that create dysfunction with others.

I haven’t pinpointed the exact moment when that flaw took a serious turn onto a more appropriate path. But I do know this. The opportunity was at the top of my list for my journey of reclaiming myself.

Said opportunity came once my divorce was final. Please take a moment and just… let that sink in.

“Why would she have to wait until….. Ohhhhhhhh!”

Yeah. I know. Be glad you weren’t the one having to wait.

Appropriate boundaries. This is about choices and decisions in my life that belong to me. My wish for a specific goal pertaining to my passion for sewing is one good example.

When it comes to relationships with my grown children… I am in need of separating myself from their lives at this time… in order to have a fair playing field for working on setting my own appropriate boundaries. A huge part of reclaiming myself.

Works differently for others… I guess. I don’t know. I only know this works for me.

I’m hoping my children will find interest in taking time to examine their own issues. There is a better chance with me out of the picture. Of course… we all have free will. Whether they take that opportunity… or not… is up to them and none of my business.

On the same token… the work I’m putting into my own self… is none of their business. Their opinions are none of my business… and vice versa.

I’m only responsible for myself today. And I am taking care of myself.

In simple terms… I have no desire to live the rest of my life as some mangled up friggin’ mess!

As for a love relationship with a partner… do I really need to say? Okay. For anyone that has not been around…

I am not ready.

And I have to be honest. There is only one soul on this planet that would even stand a remote chance in Hell. He’s nowhere to be found.

And he is neither of my two ex-husbands. Trust me.

It hurts. I don’t know what to do with it. I’m trying. It is a work in progress. Covering it in therapy. This man has affected my heart like no other man ever has.

I could win the damn lottery. And it would not come anywhere near affecting me as much as this… profoundly deep-thinking… ever-so-guarded man with a damaged heart holding sensitivity more delicate than rice paper.

This is a situation that only spiritualists… Empaths… Light Workers… Healers and such… would completely understand.

I am an Empath. Click here to read up.

Empaths seem to be delicious bait for Narcissists. Let me just put that out there. Click here for some great information on Narcissists.

Here on earth… we can release ourselves from each other… and vice versa. However… when The Devine has made the plans… He never fails. He sticks to His plans.

One way… or another… you will end up from Point A to Point B… which only He has decided upon. And His Divine Timing reigns over your schedule in life, as well.

In other words… whatever you try to fill your life with outside His plans… will be turned on its head. Nothing else will bear fruit. If your intuition has not moved you in line with Divine Timing for certain events… look out! He’ll make it happen. He will come in and toss your little apple cart upside down right before your eyes.

They call it a ‘Tower Moment.’ I have put myself through numerous attempts to walk away. I have faced these Tower Moments every time I have attempted to walk away from all feeling and emotions for this man.

I think both of us are very stubborn. I think it’s because we are so protective over our hearts. Because we’ve been hurt so many times. So deeply.

This New Moon and Mercury Retrograde passing through right now… has put me through Hell. The readings. I had to stop going to YouTube for any readings for Libra and Gemini.

Mystic Witch Tarot… I truly trust her. She helps me with my personal journey… as an individual.

Opal Oracle… Raaji! She is so awesome. She gets down to that Mother Earth Understanding and alignment with the Universe. And you really need some deep intellect to keep up with her.

Gemma at Gemstone Tarot… Daily Collective. The Collective refers to everyone in general. I can handle this right now. Gemma offers the astrological common sense core feel for us all. And she’s funny as all get-out!

Lucy at The Channel of Love… focuses on the twists and turns between Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine Twin Flames. She goes through her readings in Story-form. Her perspective has helped cool my jets… so many times.

All the others had me twisting like a pretzel… until I went into my own cards. You must be very careful when you begin plugging in to all those readings. And recently… legitimate Readers have busted some plagiarism. On most occasions… I will refuse to listen to any reader that already has cards laid out in placement.

I lean on God and The Universe. And before any church-goers begin coming at me like alligators… I’ll make a deal with you. You stay in your lane. I’ll stay in mine. And we’ll be just fine.

This is my blog. It is a tool that helps me in my healing. I get to share what I choose. Your opinion is none of my business. And I respectfully request that you keep your opinions in your own pockets.

I have found an even closer relationship with God… since going into Tarot. And I have seen the difference with an even deeper gift of Discernment. I am blessed much more by free will choices… rather than all the mental and emotional conditioning that has been bleeding all over this planet.

Just follow the money. “The things they say… just to fill up that damn offering plate!”

I lean on God. I lean on The Archangels. I lean on The Universe. I believe in them all… for protecting me and guiding me.

I will stand beside them… before standing beside you… no matter who you may be.

‘Nuff said. Back to the topic.

I know which path I am supposed to take. I am fine with this. I can wait on Divine Timing.

I have plenty to keep me busy preparing. And I am moving forward.

Still…

I feel him. He comes to me. That Mental Telepathy. He knows. He’s always known. And he knows how to use it.

The tables are turned now. That damn game. He knew how to contact me outside Clash of Kings. I gave him everything.

Some people are probably thinking right now… “If he wanted to contact you… he would.”

Well… Yeah. You think I don’t know that? I know this better than you. Because he’s done so in the past.

But I also understand Divine Timing. I understand there being reasons for separation. I understand the concept of both of us being on our own journey. Both of us being guided through lessons and healing… before God decides the time is right.

Imagination? No. You have to feel what’s going on inside you without any self-inflicted provocation. That’s called The Knowing. Unexplainable feelings and emotions that overwhelm you. You can be in the middle of doing anything… cleaning house… working on a car when it just comes out of left field.

It’s him. That’s when the telepathy kicks in. That’s when I can feel him. At times… I have to stop whatever I’m doing. The feeling becomes so strong.

And yes. I answer. With love.

I miss him.

I miss those conversations when we were both present… at the same time. Seeing those words typed… back and forth between each other.

I miss the fun we had. Turning typed words into food fights… and water hose fights… and cooking in the kitchen.

He described so well… the two of us sitting on a blanket… out in the sunshine… eating frozen yogurt. I could see us.

We shared time talking about other things. I choose to keep those between us… for him.

Okay… I still say I could cook a steak better than him.

Just to be clear… nothing in the gutter existed. We have some really nasty… vulgar pigs on the internet. But this man….

This man is way above that.

I loved talking with him. Because he helped me see so many things from a different perspective. It made me want to learn more from his perspective.

I loved talking with him. Because he showed me I was worth being trusted to know some of his troubles. I’m forever left feeling so honored that he felt that safe and comfortable with me.

I loved talking with him. Because he helped me see the difference between a caring man… and a twisted narcissist.

I loved talking with him. Because he helped me believe I can do anything.

I loved playing Clash of Kings with him. Because he was the one that helped me find my own strength and power. So many values in life are what this man shared with me… reassured me that a man can be capable of maintaining self-respect… dignity… honor.

He showed me so much of himself in that damn game.

I learned about loyalty through the game… from him. Because he showed me at the expense of his own loss of power. He honored me with a deep secret about his true authentic self.

He was gentle with my concerns… my wishes. He would wait until I slept… before going off around the kingdom to do his attacking of other castles to regain his power. Never in front of me. Never while I was awake… sans the Conquest.

Yeah. I knew! But I wasn’t about to spoil all that fruit!

Always protective over me… in a game. And through a game… this man showed me the best of his heart and soul. Because of everything I learned… I know there are things about his life he has kept from me… to protect me and keep from hurting me.

Because that’s who he is.

I miss talking with him… because I had to learn that he was too damaged and caged up with fear… from being so undeservedly hurt.

I miss talking with him… because I was in such a blind rush with wanting to show him deserved love that he was in no shape to handle.

He hides in a castle… just like me. A safe place from any further hurt and pain.

His castle… much larger than mine.

His Drawbridge… much stronger with an even stronger lock than mine.

His moat… He knows I can’t swim.

And I refuse to drown… knowing everything I’d be taking with me.

My intention for this Full Moon… the day he comes to my castle and yells for me.

Like me… he cannot swim. Yes, that would be one of the good misfortunes we have in common. LOL

But I would know it is him. And I would drop whatever I may be in the middle of handling… and set down that drawbridge before my second breath.

November Punches Hard!

Mercury in Retrograde… until November 20^th. Crap happens. I just roll with the flow. Put one foot in front of the other and fix whatever gadgets try to give me grief.

But one aspect I’m really going through Hell trying to keep a reign on would be… emotions. MY God, the sensitivity is ridiculous.

I leave the house to take care of business. And that’s the limit to getting out there in the social world.

Beyond that… I am socializing with my sewing and embroidery machines. I take an occasional break to go get my belly laugh from a few friends in Facebook.

I’ve made time for learning new techniques from some very gifted seamstresses on YouTube… one in particular… Bernadette Banner. Click here to visit her YouTube Channel!

I can listen to her for hours. And I am learning so much. Our project interests are very different. Yet… she is a walking library of techniques that can be applied to any form of fashion sewing.

I appreciate her efforts and kindness of sharing to no end!

This weekend was that weekend… swapping all the summer clothes out for the winter apparel. I sifted both… summer and winter. Like other items I’ve given away… I’ll be setting these out for local folks that can use them.

I’ll need to pick up another clothing hanger to set outside. Throwing clothing out on a sidewalk mindlessly in boxes is just not productive. Seems rather cold and heartless. Not in my DNA.

I’ll hang pieces up on the hanger, set it out on my sidewalk… and make it easier for them to choose. A laminated note will be hung… asking for hangars to be left behind so I can add more items when there is more room.

November planetary segments have me scattered. My healing… my feelings… my emotions. All so overwhelming at this time. I feel this way one minute… I feel that way the next.

It’s difficult… when you know you’re running from your own truth… because you think that’s what you’re supposed to do. Because you feel there is no other choice.

But then… it feels like you’re in this friggin’ battle with your own damn heart. And it carries some really heavy punches.

I stay busy. It’s all I can do. I keep myself handling several things at once… deliberately. And I think about my boundaries.

Old boundaries that I’m having to remember. Two in particular… lol

Give me a break! Almost 18 years of… legal marital union (insert sarcastic tone) is a long time. Okay?!

I don’t do married men. And I don’t share. End of THAT conversation!

But new boundaries are developing… compliments of the lessons learned from that experience… as well as the one that has me soaking my T-shirts… still.

Maybe I just need to get it all out of my system. I don’t know.

That’s the worst part. I. Don’t. Know.

Telepathy and mind reading are two very different energies.

What I do know is this. Anybody can ‘say’… nothing. And anybody can ‘say’… anything.

Anybody can claim to love you. And you can learn their words are cheap.

Actually… my garbage is more valuable. It costs me $9.00 per month for the city to pick it up.

Ahhh…. But I’m willing to pay the price. My garbage going in the correct place is important enough.

What does that say about me? I am willing to put the action behind my words.

Because that’s who I am. When I’m given the opportunity.

How do I feel about the lacking of one particular opportunity?

You might be my soulmate…

But all the mental telepathy in the world will never be what wins me over by itself.

So far… I really like these new boundaries.

And then I go to my cards to draw a message from the Angels that they want to share with this post.

The Third-Eye Chakra card (click here) in the Angel Therapy Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue.

My mind is just blown away. My question is answered. Solid verification.

I prefer working on my goals with a smile, anyway! lol

“Thank you Angels!”

From Now On… I Receive. And Then I Give.

For the majority of my life… until recently, anyway… I was one of those people that would take a boat load of crap before I’d get my gut full enough to be done. Slam doors and lock them shut.

It’s been quite an experience for me. But people that have known me… know one important thing about me.

When Teresa is done… She’s DONE.

But now… my gut gets full much sooner. Those doors slam shut and get locked within the blink of an eye.

My intuition is so… On Guard.

I know my scales of balance may have shifted from one extreme to the other since this divorce. I’ve spent enough time on all those could haves… should haves… why didn’t I see all this back then… and all that other hindsight.

I don’t do married men. And I don’t share.

He KNEW this. That fact was made clear before we ever had our second conversation. Well before I moved to Tennessee.

And still… He lied to me from the very beginning. Nobody should find out from a man’s 16-year-old daughter that his divorce is not final.

That burning question in my mind. Why didn’t I go ahead and pack 2 suitcases… leave all our belongings there… and fly Jen and me back to California.

All the way back in October, 2001. That may haunt me for the rest of my life.

But that was who I was. Fair. Willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Trusting he was in it for all the right reasons… like me.

My perception and my willingness to keep forgiving and moving forward. All the realization bubbling to the surface has really tilted to the far opposite side of the spectrum. Now… I will never forgive anyone doing me wrong… until they earn it. And I will bolt… as soon as I see any of it.

There was a time when I really enjoyed playing an online game… Clash of Kings. I began playing in the beginning… back when it really was fun. The goal of getting up to Castle level 30 and the fun of designing strategy for winning Battle of The Throne. You could… actually… design strategies.

Watching The Prince in 007 take The Throne. Foxxy!! Oh, my God… was she nuts! Leonidas… he was the one that took me into my first Alliance. And then there was Alan! Macho Blue Collar Worker (my favorite kind!) from Ohio. Adored him!! My Warrior! My Knight!! “Sic ‘em!” LOL

And then they jacked up the whole game with this crap called Kingdom versus Kingdom. And it all went to Hell from there. It became even worse… with the onset of Kingdom Transfers.

Now it’s all about spending money if you want to win. I’m talking hundreds and thousands of dollars that go into castles.

It’s become really stupid.

Really great players have left the game.

I ended up having to quit playing the game in 2012… once we began raising cattle. Funny thing about that. Dwayne has NEVER had to quit playing that game.

Let THAT soak in. Don’t be like me! LOL

I began to miss playing the game. Went back in… November, 2017. Things were different. Some of the old players were still there. But many had left the game.

I went snooping around the kingdom… looking for familiar castles. Alan had gone into 007 with the Prince before I left the game. He had more than one castle by then.

So… when I came across a castle that had Alan75 on it… I fished a message.

Two days later… a response comes… in Italian.

I never should have gone back to playing the game. Another one of those pockets of time spent going through those could haves… should haves… would haves… if only… and all that crap.

Soured again.

I just don’t put up with being taken for granted… lied to… deceived… or abused… anymore. Period. I don’t deserve it. I know who I am.

I reached that hairline moment… about a week or so ago. Teresa was done.

I quit playing Clash of Kings. I found myself struggling to stay there only for loyalty to the kingdom and the Alliance I was in. And the struggle was rough enough that it only took one person barking about something that was so friggin’ petty.

But… whatever. She wasn’t the reason why I left the game.

One heartbreaking truth I am struggling with right now is… I feel like I’m being pushed into no longer being ‘The Giver’. I’ve been soured by being hurt too much.

Right now… it’s like… filling sinkholes with solid concrete. That’s what I do to my heart… every time I get hurt.

And since God already knows… I hate the way it feels.

God never put anyone on this planet with a pure and kind heart… having intentions of ANY of us becoming dark… nasty… mean… vile… malicious Liars… and Players.

Take the Pun. They both fit that scenario.

I mean… I am becoming older and wiser. But that is far from the reason behind a gift being kept from the world. The fact is… I’m learning not to be a Giver.

And it hurts. I should not have to do such a thing.

But it is what it is.

I’m having to turn the tables on this world.

I’m no Willy Wonka. And I have no Chocolate for Takers who take… take… take… and give nothing in return.

From now on… I receive. And then I’ll give.

I’m always preaching about kindness. Maybe it’s because I’ve had more than my share of too many Takers.

If you’ve made it this far with reading this post… and you haven’t gotten right with somebody about a wrong you’ve done to them…

If you have not already… You WILL lose them. It’s only a matter of time.

And they get to choose when. You might think they’ll always be there. But they won’t.

Sooner or later… they always get their gut full. And if you fear that… you better wake up and bring yourself correct. Seek the help. Ask the questions.

When I think about the whole situation for me… I guess I should consider all the lessons I would have missed out on learning… had it not been for the unconscionable cowards that only bring red flags to the table.

Thank them? Feel grateful toward them?

Hell no. I feel sorry for them.

I’m thanking God and the Universe. I’m grateful to Spirit… all my angels… Spirit Guides and Light Workers.

THEY are here. THEY are guiding me out of this hurt and pain.

At the very least… I KNOW I can trust them… and count on them.

Just a reminder… this Blog is a huge part of my healing in my journey to reclaim myself and find all I need for standing in my own truth. I have the right to live my truth… and not have it affected by anyone else.

More Progress and Transformation coming. I’m working on it.

My Saturday was Full

This past weekend for me… was about shaking off all the cobwebs from last weekend. Transformations can be such a draining force on the mind, heart and energy.

I made it through the week choosing strength from spite. “Screw it. I’ll go within and only think of myself.” It was the compromise to get me past pain… disappointment… anger.

I am the kind of person that does not like being angry. I believe in fighting. But… I believe only in fighting for the highest good of everything that is right and fair. Equal. I don’t believe in fighting for only me.

I took off early Saturday morning and headed to my stompin’ grounds. I needed to go to the river. Desperately.

Cades Cove Loop doesn’t open until 10am for vehicles on Saturdays. The early morning hours are for biking through the loop.

That was my excuse for stopping at McDonalds in Maryville… killing one of those Sausage Egg McMuffins breakfast meals with Hashbrowns and Orange Juice. I brought my own coffee from the house… Freshly ground Starbucks Veranda blend… with a touch of whole milk.

The goal for the day… Any damned thing I wanted!

Whatever I wanted to do. Wherever I wanted to go. Whatever I wanted to buy. Whatever I wanted to eat.

“As above… so below!”

I bought another mug. I love it. I found out how much I love it when I got back home. I now have 2 of the same… again! LOL

I could tell from the trees… this year’s color will be late. And we will have a very… very lacy show of color. The rain was not kind enough to visit as much as we needed. The river…wow. So many places on the river where I could step stones and cross over to the other side.

But that also means… the Bears will be crossing over in higher numbers.

WHICH REMINDS ME…

YES. That WAS Me… yelling at the morons that parked their cars in the middle of both sides of the road… about a half-mile from the Ranger’s Station and Campground at Cades Cove… to take a picture of a bear.

One Idiot standing less than 15 feet… from the tree where the bear began climbing down.

That was a very small bear cub… too small to be alone. Mama Bear WAS in the vicinity. This was a very bad scene.

People… we have all kinds of trees and flowers in the park, too. But you won’t see anyone parking their vehicles in the middle of the road and holding up HUNDREDS of other vehicles for a half-hour plus… just so they can take a picture.

Why not? BECAUSE IT’S AGAINST THE DAMNED LAW!!

We have triple the number of hikers in the park right now. The weather is cooler… more tolerable.

We have double the visitors… coming to see the fall color.

At any given moment… one of them could have an accident. A hiker could slip and fall off a cliff.

AND YOU COULD BE THE REASON WHY THEY DIE… because Rangers and Emergency Rescue can’t get to them… all because you might piss your pants if you don’t get that picture of a bear.

There IS more than one bear in the park.

IT IS ILLEGAL to STOP your vehicle ANYWHERE ON THE ROADS in the park… including Cades Cove Loop.

There are designated areas for pulling off the road and parking. FIND THEM. Get your lazy butt out of your vehicle and do a little bit of walking.

I am a member of Friends of The Smokies. I visit this park all the time. Phones get no signal. However… Car Horns do echo.

And as I did on Saturday… I will lay on my horn and begin another friggin’ concert… just like the one that kicked off behind me from lots of other cars. The Rangers heard the horns.

Next time… I will take pictures of your car tags… and take them to the Ranger’s Station.

Before you call me Stupid… remember who chose to park their car in the road.

The traffic bothered me. Even heavier than the normal chaos for this time of year. I wondered what was going on. I found out… as soon as I made that right-hand turn onto Old Mill Avenue in Pigeon Forge.

I forgot about the Arts and Crafts Fair being hosted back behind The Old Mill. Got lucky finding one of only 2 parking spots left at a $5 parking lot across from The Old Mill Stores. Absolute insanity. I decided to hit all the stores first… before going over to The Old Mill Resturaunt for a late lunch.

Yeah…. That never happened. I hit all the stores. But that late lunch turned into an early dinner in Townsend… at Smokin’ Joe’s Bar-b-Que! When all else fails… that is THE GO-TO!

I had already made the drive through Wears Valley… had my dinner… and asked for my Doggy Box… within the same time I would have just been seated at The Old Mill Resturaunt! Never… have I ever… seen the wait that bad. First time I’ve ever walked away and opted out.

Last time I ever plan on eating in Pigeon Forge on a weekend.

But my wish for fun in Pigeon Forge was not all in vain! I came home with bags of Chocolates and Taffy! I picked up my Bread Flour from The Old Mill General Store (right where they mill the grains!)… And a jar of locally made Pecan Creamed Honey.

I was wiped out by the time I got back home. But it was all a much needed break away from the dearest things inside my heart that hurt me right now.

Ya’ know… Just a reminder… We have enough craziness going on in this world.

Choose to be kind and considerate of others. Don’t be that person that stops an ambulance from getting to an accident.

Think of others… before choosing to think only about yourself.

Rising from Ashes

Being granted in my divorce… the right to use my birth name.

This was a tick on a box for the Judge. For me… it was like this huge… thick wooden castle door that had been secured with one of those heavy… rusted… box locks that only one skeleton key could open.

That Judge had the key that opened that old lock. He did that… for me.

This was the gift of having my identity returned to me.

When I mention the word ‘Identity’… I’m not speaking only about a name.

I spent my childhood growing up looking in mirrors… trying to figure out who I was.

I didn’t look like anyone in the family. They all got sunburns. I got suntans. They all had freckles. I didn’t. So… who did I look like?

And through those years… I dealt with frequent blows of emotional abuse that really destroyed me from the inside.

The worst part about that is this.

Each and every day I stood in front of that mirror… getting ready for the day… I gave time to trying to figure out who I looked like… and who… I… was.

And every moment of mental and emotional abuse that came along… ended up being embedded into that vision… that was being drawn in that mirror… every single day.

I wasn’t even allowed to use my name. I’d never seen my birth father. I was 9-years-old when I first found out about him.

My Dad insisted on being the one to give me the story… even though he’d never even met the guy.

And God help me… if I dared to just whisper a question… to even that 14-year-old girl that gave birth to me.

Nobody… in my corner.

Once again… one more reason why she never should have been allowed to bring me home from the hospital.

She was just a kid. She had no sense about her. She had no clue about standing up for a child… defending a child.

She ended up out in the world… having to defend her own self… as a child. And nobody ever bothered to instill any good… positive values into her psyche.

The Domino Effect was real. And in my case… completely destructive.

I’ve worked so hard… over the past 5 years… trying to go find Teresa… and reclaim her. And stop the cycle.

Years of damage can’t be fixed in a couple years. Open wounds show up for others… as well as myself.

I can only say this. I’m aware that it’s my responsibility to heal myself. Anyone else has free will to choose… whether or not… they want to heal themselves.

It all comes down to how much you truly care about yourself. How much self-respect means to you. How badly you want the pain to go away.

And sometimes… the work load required for achieving that… requires total separation from all things that awaken all the pain. A human can only handle so much.

I’m being a mother to myself. Because I never had one.

And on a side note… THIS is something all you so-called Pro-Lifers need to consider.

Because you’re really no Pro-Lifer.

You disappear after the births.

As I just said… NOBODY in my corner.

I had my aunt and uncle as an infant… until my Dad came along when I was only 16-months-old. Why? Because of the laws… of course. They couldn’t be there as much as they wanted. But they were there for me as much as they could be.

And they were just a young newly married couple, themselves.

So get off your Unicorns and get real. Either get all the way in. Or… get out!!

Because I’m living proof of the leftovers from the devastation.

Chew on that… while I get back on topic.

I’m protecting and defending my Identity… giving it a safe place to heal… and finally… gain a chance to develop… grow… mature.

In a world obsessed with labels… I choose my surname for that umbrella I’m standing under.

What am I?

I’m becoming.

And I now have that shell needed for encasing all that I am.

Teresa Marie Tavares.

Conversations

My readings are telling me this next few days will be about looking back over my life. Things coming up to the top. Revelations.

Mind blowing. Humiliating realizations.

Everything shows how it’s all connected to the here and now.

Things I’m trying to heal.

Searching for all the answers to, “What the hell is this about?”

I’ve always understood that communication was necessary. Especially in relationships.

I’ve realized I spent so much of my life under somebody else’s thumb without knowing how to stand up for myself… even communication became an issue.

Wow. It goes back to being told as a child, “Children are to be seen and not heard.”

I was never allowed to speak unless spoken to. Well… beyond knowing when it was okay to ask if I could do something.

I was never worth a conversation. Just answer the questions.

Just the facts.

Oh, my gosh… jump to age 20 years.

Ray Bell. THIS is why I was always falling asleep when we spent hours having conversations!!

I was in such a good place! I was so relaxed! Finally… someone that could relate to things that wandered around inside my head all my life!

We… actually had conversations. And… you participated. You injected. You could lead. It was equal participation.

And they were deep… intellectual… awesome conversations.

Yeah… we won’t talk about the ones… you had… when you were drunk and loaded. *snicker*

I’m not lying! It is what it is! It happened!

Don’t feel bad. They were all funny!

And then… jump to 21 years later… when the story of my recent divorce began.

I was married to a man for almost 18 years… together for a year before marriage.

And looking back… we never had one single conversation… unless it was about something happening at that hangar that pissed you off.

Anything else was like… a business meeting. Discussion of plans… progress… snags… resolution.

Resolution. HA! There was only one… always. That look on your face. My next thought… “Yeah, here we go again. He’s gonna pull a Dwayne.”

The rest of it was the fight to get something done half-ass. Because everything was done so half-ass. And to accomplish anything meant going through a fight.

Not just the photos of all the projects that were never finished, either. It was everything. Everything about that marriage. If it didn’t require a power tool… it was up to me to get it accomplished.

Or… not even waste my time.

I had to pick my battles.

And I own half of it all… because I put up with the crap.

But all that isn’t what even matters to me. Not anymore… anyway.

What matters to me is… the overall reality of the fact that we never had one single… deep… intellectual… personal conversation between us.

Your idea of participation was… answering questions… as little as possible.

Just the facts.

Whatever came to fruition… came from Dwayne’s head… to half-ass.

It was his way… or… do it yourself. And that applied to… everything.

Another phase in my life of… just the facts.

Yeah.

This is not Teresa. That never was Teresa.

And Teresa will not live through that kind of abandonment anymore.

THIS is me now… standing in my truth.

I love having conversations… between two people… both participating.

Deep… intellectual… serious… fun… imaginary… hilarious… heartfelt… loving… kind… genuine… sincere… conversations.

All the beautiful words that describe beautiful conversations between two people in a relationship.

The idea of a man reaching out to me… to fill me in on his thoughts or ideas.

I like this!

Being interested in what goes on inside my head. (Oh, boy… that could be a jump off a cliff.)

Being curious enough to seek my opinion about things.

Choosing a topic and venturing toward each other’s insights… to see if we meet in the middle on common ground with a same conclusion.

Refusing to settle for less than compromise comfortable for each other.

About anything. About everything.

When the conversations become something enjoyed by both of us.

Something that becomes important to both of us… enough that we look forward to having more of them.

Important enough that we come to crave them.

Important enough that it feels like we’re taking turns… stopping the world and stealing time for one of those conversations.

When clocks and oceans aren’t even allowed to get in the way.

Communication is a good thing.

My favorite kind of Conversations are like… a really good home-cooked meal.

And the best of them come from… Reciprocity.

Look the word up in the Dictionary.

You’ll even find kindness and love… there.

One of Those Aha Moments

These days I spend a lot of time driving from county to county. I’ve found there’s a lot to take care of on the tail end… now that this divorce is final.

The days always feel so different for me. Strange.

Just when I begin to feel the ground under my feet… a thought… just one single thought can leave me feeling the ground under my butt.

And the wind knocked out of me… until the tears show up.

I am so happy to be divorced… finally. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that. I don’t even feel anger towards Dwayne.

I think I began working on moving beyond anger by the time I could say out loud, “I want a divorce.”

By the time we finished with Mediation… I let go of the anger and hatred before I walked out of the attorney’s office.

They say you still have feelings for someone you’ve loved… if you feel anything.

It’s not over until you feel… nothing.

I can’t say I’ve made it there… yet.

I still roll my eyes.

I don’t even want THAT to happen when his name is mentioned.

And don’t get me wrong. I WILL get there. Mark my word.

I will get there.

But… that’s only one layer. All the driving gives me time to think. It’s like things are purging from deep inside.

And these are things that… I think I finally get it.

I’m feeling waves and waves of… damage… swelling up and hitting me… one after another. Like a perfect storm.

This has become very disturbing to me. I keep asking myself, “Where is all of this coming from?”

But one thing I feel so… absolutely… sure about… is this.

I know me… and my heart… well enough to know… this is junk that I can’t even consider taking into another relationship.

I’m so blown away to feel how much more keeps coming up from pits in my heart and mind that were so tightly hidden.

Maybe other people can. I don’t know. I only know I don’t have the stomach for going there.

I think I… finally get it.

I said I could love someone without them. I said I could protect that love from even them.

This love… means too much to me. It’s so important to me. It’s a love that came out of nowhere. It was totally unexpected. This love even frightened me enough that I tried running away. It’s a love that I have never felt before… in my whole entire life.

Today I learned… I need to protect that love… from me.

Today I learned… I can love… but not be ready.

It’s my responsibility to protect this love. Because I know all that it deserves.

To poison this love… I would deserve to burn.

I need time to heal.

I can unravel hate… all the way down to… nothing.

But this love… cannot be unsewn.

More importantly… this is not required.

And I can… still… not be ready.

But I can heal… make myself ready… while protecting this love.

And THIS… gives me peace.

( The Wisdom of The Oracle card #33 came up… in reverse… meaning I should adhere to the Protection Message. You can read it by clicking here. )