Category: Learning Lessons

Ying and Yang – Balance – The Battle

Ever experience having a friend or acquaintance you see almost daily… where you notice they change their mind about things really often… sometimes overnight?

You see a pattern in their thinking.  One day they feel this way.  Tomorrow they feel that way.  It’s like they cannot make up their mind.

It can be exhausting for those on the outside seeing this person going through this… thing.

And they do it with almost every choice in their life.

They look crazy… to some people.

Always in their head.  Right?

I’m one of those people.

I’ve known this for a very… very long time.  It has always bothered me.

Why do I do such things?

This is something that can obstruct relationships in life.

You can lose friends.  Family even negates you out of their equation.

You’re just accepted as being crazy.

And so for me… I separate myself from the whole population.

This is the longest period of time I have done such.

And I continue needing more time.

I’ve needed peace.

I’ve needed answers.

I’ve needed to understand why this goes on inside me.

I’ve needed to understand what others see on the outside of me.

I’ve needed to understand how… and why… I allow others to manipulate and abuse me through this thing I feel has been a weakness.

Some people in my life… may not have even been aware they were even doing so.

Nothing I can do about that.

It is for them to acknowledge with their own awareness.

My job has been to sort out my own self.

I can only speak for myself.

I can only depict the understanding I find… once it settles within my whole being.

Telling me I have found the correct answer… for myself.

Those daily swings of feeling this way one day… that way the next.  That’s not crazy.

That’s me working my ass off… inside my mind and heart.  Searching… fervently.

Imagine a plane dropping a piece of paper from 500 feet in the air.

Envision the paper making its way to the ground.

See how it swirls.  Sways.  Slowly descending.  Until it reaches the ground.  Where it rests in peace.

And then the garbage man picks it up and throws it into the back of the garbage truck!!

Hahaha!

Okay.  Maybe that would be the piece of paper.  Not me!

No.  Reaching the ground for me would be my mind being given time to feel each possible resolution… to find the one that settles most peacefully inside me.

So many things in our lives function by requiring our thoughts… opinions… decisions… on so many different levels.

And I would bet most of us tangle most inside ourselves… when it comes to love.

Love on so many levels.

Family.  Friends.  Personal Goals.

That one we all seek.  To walk alongside… through this life.

Who fits?

Why do they seem to fit?

What about them makes us feel good?

What about them yanks our last nerve?

I mean… balance requires both… good and bad.  And most of all… honesty with ourselves.

I search all the time.  I go back in the past only to seek where I went wrong.

It bothers me.

Without correcting my mistakes… I cannot move forward in a much more pleasant and peaceful frame of mind and heart.

I only wish to bring the best of myself to the table.

I must search my mind and heart with questions for myself.

I must be willing to answer honestly… without fear.

I must be willing to acknowledge my own growth evolves from all this hard work.

And with that said… there may be changes within me that another may not be willing to respect… and/or accept.

I must hone my strength to accept their choice with respect.

Move on… knowing there is someone in this world that is able and willing.

But with that said… can my mind and heart swing back to a longtime truth I have been struggling with?

Love for a soul whose eyes I have never seen.  This has been a battle for me.

Heartache.  Heartbreak.  Back and forth.  In and out.  Present.  Absent.

The absence is the worst.  It has been the latest.  And the longest.

None of the pain settles inside me.  It’s not what I seek.  I run.

I fight to let go.  I fight to feel nothing.

To feel even anger… is to feel something.  And that keeps that cord to that connection secure.

I fight until all I can do is cry.

When there’s no fight left inside me… all I can do is surrender myself… giving in and taking that time to cry it all out.

I get one single day of feeling clear.

The next day… it’s like God steps in and says… “Nope.  I will win.”

Aaaaaaaand…. I’m swinging back to the other end of the spectrum.

This love for this soul with eyes I’ve never seen… simply refuses to go away and leave me alone.

Why?

I’m able to carry on with my own life… work on my goals.  And I’m able to roll with the flow… easily.

I go about my days now… taking care of everything in my life with absolutely no desire to respond to any man approaching me… which is something totally out of character for me now.

Except one.

This is the one answer that has me struggling to find an understanding.

No matter what I do in my life… he is still there.  He still owns my heart.

Why?

What is The Divine concocting?

 

Cutting The Cord

“Who is this man he is angry with?”

He is angry with himself.  As he should be.

Why is he angry with himself?

That is for him to openly admit… to himself… and to all of us… whenever he decides.

No longer any of my concern.

I have cried him out.

I’m left with no other choice.

I move on to finish the rest of this lifetime without him.

Please let it go quickly.

For we are all cowards… one way or another.

 

**Artist – Anne Stokes

Taking My Sword To The Fog

A situation has risen its ugly head in my life once again.  And right now… I am existing in this very unfamiliar… fog.

That’s how I have been best able to describe what I see inside me.  See how I feel inside.

I’m not one to sit and let it fester.  I know I have the strength to find the core of the issue… before I heal it.

But this… has traveled through a massive amount of scar tissue from hurt and pain experienced throughout my entire life… all the way down to clean flesh.

After all the hard work I have survived and accomplished.  After all the exploration to find the cores to all the hurts.  After all the nursing to heal all that infected pain.

After all the time taken to use the right tools to correct and heal my heart… mind… and soul.

Just when I was… finally… becoming able to accept a reality of hidden truths about someone I never really knew at all.

Here comes… yet… another attempt to show me who they really are.

As if I haven’t seen more than enough… already.

But remember… I said this blow has me in an unfamiliar fog.

I’m still standing.

I’ve always known how to prepare for tornadoes… since my childhood.  Now I really know why.

Because THIS TIME… just like knowing when to send the family to the bathtub to get under the bed mattress… or… head down to the basement of the house…

I sent everything I have learned… and all the truth and wisdom about myself I have gained… to a safe room in my mind… for protection.

Therefore… all is well in my life… while the rest of me walks toward the fight… to battle the core of this unexpected issue.

I will overcome.  I am protected.  I have God on my side.  I have all the Angels right beside me.

And I have a whole family of Casteels… Bullards… and only God knows who else over there now on the other side… that will make damn sure… I will be perfectly okay.

My Daddy had a lot of friends.   And they always watched over me when they were among us.

They’ve done it before.  They’ll do it again.

But this time… they just may override my sense of fairness.  And there is nothing I can do about that from over here.

I am the wrong person to bestow selfish… undeserved cruelty upon.

I am everything good… through my mind… my heart… and my soul.

I can be your best friend.  Or, your worst enemy.  You get to choose.

And when you choose either… I get to choose how to respond.

But there are times… when I never need to bother myself with responding.

And THAT’S when the one dishing any ill will toward me… should worry most.

Evil never learns the reality and true purpose in the journey of life.

That’s why evil never wins.

I will be standing… in my truth and wisdom… as my true authentic self… at the end of this battle.

 

Empires and True Love

Imagine this.  Close your eyes and envision this incredible materialistic empire you have created.

One night… the police come knocking on your door at 3:30am… waking you up.  Asking you to come with them.

They take you to your empire… where it is burning to the ground.

By daylight… everything you have built… that materialistic dream of yours… sits in ashes… completely destroyed by fire.

What would you do?

“I will rebuild it, again.”

Yes?

One can always rebuild a materialistic empire.

And you can delegate its care and survival.

But you see… this is impossible with humans… relationships… love.

Humans, relationships… and especially love… are like the most beautiful garden on earth.

You find all those treasures that provide beauty and the scents of every kind of perfume and cologne ever brought before our senses.

Each of us is blessed with our own mass of humans that come and go in our lives.

And our deepest of blessings is granted… when that single precious human comes to stand before all others.

Gives of them-self… from the deepest places in their heart… with every ounce of their being… to no one else.

Only YOU.

The greatest secret to any garden is to discover that there is always one plant that may flower for a few days out of every year.

But its true beauty reigns in its inner existence… which brings out the beauty of its whole being for the rest of the year.

You cannot delegate the care and survival of that garden.

It requires your personal attention.

Constant nourishment can only be received from you.

For that effort… you are blessed with your own nourishment… coming to you 10-fold in return.

And only the truest essence is capable of giving such.

The beauty only becomes better as time moves along… blessed with your personal care.

As in any garden… weeds will appear.  They will crowd your vision of all the beauty.

Unless there comes an end to their ill intentions of stopping you from seeing the one that came to stand before you in front of all the others.

Other flowers may put on a glorious show… mesmerizing the whole world with such outer beauty.

Only to poison anyone touching anything exposed from its inside.

Outside beauty can be evil.

Not that everything beautiful on the outside can be evil on the inside.  But that is the fertile ground where it hides.

From this experience you learn to decipher between a weed… a poisonous flower… and the truest of the beauty in the garden.

When a beautiful plant shows up in your garden… like some surprise… and it refuses to die because it lives for you…

It returns your care… attention and nourishment by touching your heart with its beauty on the inside…

What do you do?

Have you found your truest beauty?

Where are they now?

How well have you tended to your garden?

And I Made My Decision

The alarms on the clocks sound from my Kindle and my phone.  A new day arrives after making a decision before bedtime last night.

I chose walking away.

I know me.  I know my heart.  I know my conscience.  I know the kind of love I am capable of giving.  But I also know the kind of love I deserve.

And beginning today… I will love me.

I rise for my usual morning routine.  My bed is made.  I dress.  Carlie gets her tone collar put on before being let out for her morning constitutions.  Her breakfast is prepared… soaking in hot water to make its ‘gravy’ that she loves.

The usual brushing of my hair and teeth.  Then… I grind fresh coffee bean and set the pot brewing.  That soft ‘bark’ at the front door.  Carlie comes back in and heads for her breakfast after removal of her collar.

There is something about the smell of a fresh cup of hot coffee before the sun even begins to rise.  It’s like… “Good morning!”  And just taking a few moments to absorb how it makes me feel… makes me ready for my next couple of hours.

I’m into my daily guidance on YouTube… listening to Tilly’s daily reading for today… when I have to pause.  Carlie’s finished breakfast.  She won’t let the world continue until she gets her cookies.

Tilly’s reading is finished.  I move on to Gemma’s reading for the day… followed by Uriel’s reading for the weekend.

It’s amazing how all three women cover all aspects of life in their own way.  Light Readers are gifted with their own unique guidance.

I’m so comfortable… thankful… and grateful for how I’ve come to rely on these three women for offering me a peek into what I can expect for the day… what guidance I need from The Divine, the Angels and The Universe.

Fanny is my Go-To for my monthly guidance as an individual.  Still… I gain those daily steps from the other three earth angels!

But it was my own readings I did last night… through Colleen Baron-Reid’s Wisdom of The Oracle and Lucy Cavendish’s Dragonfae Apps (apparently, no longer available in Google’s Play Store?)… that led me to my final decision.

The rest of the day will include more study for a couple hours into the subject of my main goal in life… as well as the current tasks I’m in the middle of handling.  Daily household duties requiring my attention around the house will be completed.  And my evening will be free for planning my weekend.

I always pay attention to how my entire body feels after making decisions like this.  There is a sense of peace that covers me.  Reminds me of a baby’s face… just after entering this world and resting on Mom’s chest… eyes open and looking up at her… so quietly and relaxed.

All the locks at the Dam of Tears seem to have been shut down and not a drop releasing.

And for the first time… I feel what I had manifested long ago… when I experienced the first round of pain that took me too close to a cliff’s edge that nobody really wants to ever see.

I wanted to think of Alan… and feel nothing.

I needed to feel nothing.  I know me.  I have fought a part of me for a very long time now.

There is no man or woman on this planet worth ending your life over… just to feel nothing.

Yes.  It’s a war inside one’s self.  This was the worst war I’ve fought.

Many battles with hope… faith… that loyalty I tried hanging onto for dear life… for only all the right things that have been allowed to exist inside my heart.

My Castle Doors slammed shut.  Several times.  That Drawbridge lifted and locked tight.  That Moat filled to the brim and loaded with a fresh herd of every kind of  sea animal that would eat a man or woman without leaving a bit of evidence.

And still… I remained willing to meet halfway… to reopen negotiation… with him.

It’s exhausting.  But this morning I can wake up and say… “I truly gave it my best.”  At least I know I tried.

But this is not my loss.  He gets to own the loss.

And he will never know all that he lost.  Little does he realize… I never showed him all of me.  I’m not that naïve.

They never see the best of me… until they’ve given me the best of them.

I win.  In the end… I get to have Teresa.

Difficult.  Emotions running so deeply.  Confusion.  I’m not happy with how things are between us.

I try so hard to be patient.  Understanding he is going through his own stuff.  I have no problem with that.  My problem is the fact that he will not communicate with me.

He cannot see that I can be a friend… as well as a partner.  To help each other heal.  To help each other see other perspectives.  To help each other recognize the obstacles in our paths… so each of us can work through our own issues.

Just having that support can make all the difference in the world.

His dead air pushes my patience.  Leaves me questioning whether I should hold on to hope and faith.  Remain loyal to him.  Or… should I walk away?

Does he care how devastating it would be for me to walk away?

I could do it.  I know I would survive this.  But I know I would never be the same.

I know there would be much of me that would die inside.  This frightens me.  This late in my life… after all the lost love I have endured throughout the years.  I know me.  I would not ever care to ever love again.

There comes a time when a beautiful heart becomes too tired.

He cannot see… or, he does not care… how it hurts to feel he does not feel safe or secure enough to come to me as a friend to help him deal with his pain.

To give him different perspectives.  To give him support and encouragement for facing those issues we all face about ourselves that can be so difficult to look at and work on.

To do so in a gentle and compassionate way.

I feel we are… both… strong enough to accomplish this.

There is something so strong inside me that tells me this is why we came to know each other… from the very beginning.  To help each other heal.  To be in each other’s corner.  To be that honesty with gentleness and compassion that only encourages us to overcome our pain.

To journey through it all with each other and become two incredible human beings on the other side.

It’s not a deep dive into some shallow love relationship I’m looking for.  Hot and heavy on the scale of similarity to hooking up in some nightclub.  Walking out the door at closing time… thoughtlessly heading into a tornado that only dies off in a short period of time.

Not that they all turn out that way.  But too many do.  And I want nothing like that.

My prayer is for a reality in the lives of two people who need to heal and want to become the very best that the Divine intended for each of them.

To be courageous enough to allow each other inside for offering raw objectivity.  Helping one another see issues and obstacles we’re not able to see in ourselves.

Being that needed support that gives each other that safe feeling and courage to overcome issues causing us pain and/or confusion.

Being able to look at one another as we scratch off one more issue from that list… and feel we are looking at the one person that makes us want to knock out that entire list… so easily.  Taking a moment to soak in all those wonderful feelings it gives us to realize this.

He cannot see I do have a life.  He cannot see I am very busy myself… with daily tasks and working on my own goals.  Making my own personal dreams become real.  Working on me as much as I can.

But he also cannot see the mountains I could climb with a smile… the doubled joy in my heart… that incredible load of energy and enthusiasm… simply by having communication with him on a regular basis.

And he cannot see the same difference it could bring for him.  If only he would let me.

All I can do on my own is put this in the hands of The Divine and The Universe.  And continue to pray for him.  Beyond that… there is only one truth I know for sure about us.

So much to walk away from.  Too much.

Did You Hear That Door Lock?

I just need to say… I am so relieved to have walked through that door to 2020 and left 2019 buried in some cemetery.  Bottom line… simply one horrible year for me.

In my Tarot readings I was advised to work on planning during the month of December.  Major decisions were made for my life.  Lots of shedding.  Lots left behind.

But then there were the important things in my life that I got to choose to take with me… into 2020.  Goals.  Decisions.  And with or without me… People.

There are actually… very few people I chose to take with me.  But this will be the year when I build new friendships with like-minded people having that same depth of heart and emotions… conscience… kindness… respect… and goals!!

This year is about my heart.  Happiness.  Goals.  There can never be enough said about Goals.  Prosperity.  Abundance.

Love?  I don’t know.  In God’s hands.  Divine Timing.  For now… I am enough.  I have to be enough for now.  And I’m okay with that.

Did I tell you I’ve got goals?  ;)~

My Twin Flame.  In God’s hands.  But never left behind.  And never without my love.  I pray for him.  I pray for his happiness.  I pray for the Universe to bless him with Discernment… Strength… Courage… Wisdom.  Everything for him to rebuild himself from the center of standing in his own truth… his own authenticity… his own wishes… his own goals… his own dreams.

I still believe in him.  I know he can do it.

Understanding and compromise would be two wonderful goals.

I just refuse to pray from inside some closet.  I think that is unrealistic… inhumanely unfair.  And I KNOW it’s just… non-negotiable.

Certain other loved ones that I chose to bring with me.  And then there are those that… basically… helped me choose to leave them behind.  And I’m perfectly okay with that.  I know my truth.

This year is about getting back in touch with myself.  I was so lost and separated from myself for so long.

This is my year.  Finally.  It’s my turn.

I stay more to myself now.  The time will come when it is safe enough for me to speak about all the hard work I am currently in the middle of completing.

Sadly… there are people in this world that just thrive on bringing other people to failure by their dirty deeds.  Out of jealousy.  Out of insecurity.

Simply because you are no longer at their disposal for using your talents to improve their lives… at the expense of your own.  And of course… when all that happens the rest of the world around you is fed a lot of false bravado… which seems to be preferred over truth and honesty in this ever-increasing mad world.

Pathetic.  But hey… those abusers get free will, too.  Whatever.

I prefer to stay to myself and focus on the positive issues in my life.  I mind my own damn business.  I take care of me.

In essence… I’m really not doing anything much more differently than I’ve ever done before.  The only difference is… Now I’m doing it for someone that SEES my hard work… APPRECIATES my efforts… REALIZES my value… and GIVES ME THE CORRECT CREDIT THAT I’M EARNING… THAT I DESERVE.

I’m doing it all for myself.

The difference I feel inside of me is something I cannot even measure.  Now my heart receives what it always needed before… in order to give me that drive to keep moving forward with accomplishing even greater things in life with so much more pleasure and satisfaction.

The results are now much better.  No more half-ass.  I’m a lot less stressed and tired.  No more having to pick my battles.  No more having to fight for half-ass.

I’m able to make a decision.  And now I have the freedom to lay out the tasks in such a way that makes it easy for me to get things done.

So simple.  Which only shows… it never had to be so damn difficult… nor ridiculous.

All the money in the world… won’t even hold the value of an ounce of human piss… against the value of brains… conscience… integrity… truth… common sense… self-love… self-reliance… and self-respect.

And THAT… was in my little suitcase that I carried with me through that door to 2020… after burying 2019 in a cemetery.

I just hope everyone else in this world finds their way to their own healing… truths… finds their own value… self-worth… and self-respect… whatever you need to make you feel whole and happy… from inside yourself.

Happy New Year!

Forever a Milestone for Me – 2019

 

Deep lessons I learned this year, which came with great sacrifice and loss.  But compensation was taking back my power and finding Teresa.

I can only pray for others that no longer understand me and/or want to be around me… and hope life and the universe bring them around to choosing to heal themselves.

I love them all.  But the cycles needed to stop somewhere.  Cleansing needed to begin somewhere.

One man wasn’t my only problem.  I brought my own issues to the table.  And there were others involved.

Adult children in this country need to wake up and look at themselves.  I’m not alone when I say this.  I’m hearing parents of grown children everywhere saying the very same thing.

It blows my mind.  It breaks my heart.  For all of us.

None of us is perfect.  We never reach any particular age and know it all.  Learning never ends for any of us… including parents.

The fork in the road led me to two choices of paths.  I took the better road.  They don’t know.  I was one hair away from checking out.  Nobody would ever get to have me ever again… if I couldn’t have myself.

So there.  I chose hope.

I learned we all asked for this experience of Life on this planet.  We had to get here some way.  God made a way.  All He expects is for us to be guided until we become adults.

I learned nobody is perfect.  Many fail at being guides.  There is no manual.

But we all get a second chance.  It’s called becoming an adult.

That’s when we have the freedom to choose seeking healing to exude that unique soul inside each one of us… that we bring to this life… and take with us when we leave.

Until every one of us finds that healing… we will never have that reunion.  And ‘We’ is every soul on this planet… especially families.

I learned about real love.

I found real love in me.

I learned TRUTH.

I learned how to become free from being mentally conditioned… manipulated… controlled.

I witnessed hope in a 16 year old young lady that set this world on its toes… as she traveled all around the world… lighting fires in hearts that DO CARE… EXPECT TRUTH… DESERVE TRUTH… EXPECT CHANGE… DESERVE CHANGE… for the HIGHEST GOOD OF ALL.

Greta gave me courage.  Strength.  Hope.

And speaking of…

Strength.  Self-Worth.  Value.  Fair Boundaries.  Peace.  Tranquility.  Balance.  Happiness.

Goals I have reached!

I pray this hits home for so many others.  If you’re hurting… Seek an Empath.  Seek a Spiritual Healer.  Seek a Reiki Healer.  Google the words.  You’ll never regret it.

Learn the TRUTH about Tarot.  It saved my life.

Happy New Year, everyone!

2020 is gonna be so awesome!

*** “Serendipity” – Card #18 from Wisdom of The Oracle Deck by Colette Baron-Reid.  (Click here) to read the meaning of the card.

My Lines are Never Blurred

Unlike that photo above, for sure!  WordPress really needs to work on their transfer of media into their libraries.  It goes south.

My lines for my boundaries may extend a little further than some people.  Never the less… I do… have strict and specific lines drawn for my boundaries.

Those lines do protect a strong portion of details within a relationship whenever I am involved with a man.

I think I can safely say… any details I have shared out in the open in this blog are… simply… what can be expected… after a man has given plenty of effort into leaving me feeling betrayed… after leaving me behind on what was nothing more than a one-lane road.

Any kind of a relationship comes with its own value.  That value is determined by efforts made by two people… both people.

Never would I claim to be perfect.  God knows… I am the first to acknowledge that fact.  And that’s why I’m so involved in healing myself.

I’m constantly looking forward and heading in the direction for becoming the best human being possible… from the inside out.

Others may feel no need to strive for self-improvement.  To that… “God bless ya’!”  Must feel so great to be perfect!

I’m working on it. ;)~

Anyone else has free will and choice to be all they wish.  Good or Bad.  And I have the choice of not allowing any man into my life that chooses being Bad.

I know who I am.  I’m a good person.  My heart is genuine.  My conscience thrives on being legitimate… for only good and best intentions.  My Daddy raised me with standards that I have never forgotten… despite his occasional… “Do as I say… not as I do” events in his own life.

Trust me.  He’s over on the other side… laughing at me right now!  He knows!  He knows.

You may manage to find your way inside.  I can promise you that will be your greatest challenge in your life… after my hard fight with getting through this divorce.

But that never means you’ll stay.  It’s your choice for how you handle your part that determines such.

And when you hurt me… when you betray me… when you choose to do physical damage to me… or… within the perimeters of the relationship that cause it to end.  And especially when you choose to behave downright nasty through the exit…

Yeah.  You can count on me showing the world who you chose to be in my life.

But as far as any healthy relationship that is thriving between myself and my partner… THAT is when I am more than pleased to confess being selfish with my choice of privacy.

The first reason why I choose to behave in such manner… believe it or not… is out of respect for my partner.

If you can’t figure out when I lose respect for a partner… go back to the first post of this blog and catch up.

Yes.  The boundaries are there.  And reciprocity keeps all that goodness healthy.

I am a Giver.  Granted… this past year has dealt the toughest fight I’ve ever experienced.  But this has only overhauled this lady.

Getting into my castle… behind those walls that were only made three times stronger after this divorce… will never be anywhere near as easy as before.

My willingness to give as much in the process of initiating… not so plentiful anymore.

Lately… I find comfort in going back to the good old-fashioned ways of how a Gentleman should take the lead… and how he should honor the gift God gives him… with every breath he takes… if he wishes to receive it all back ten-fold.

The older I become… the more I come to figure out exactly what I do want in my life… what I don’t want in my life… and what I will not allow into my life.  Turtles cannot lay the number of eggs to keep up with the growth of my strength… determination… and my will.

All this is definitely connected to my personal choices for all that I hold dearly from within a relationship with a man.

So… my answer is No.

You will never witness this blog exposing everything I may share with a partner.  But I can say this.  While I may throw their evil deeds out to the universe for cleansing as I go through all this healing… I am diligent about owning my own faults that I can understand would have been a contributor.

If… and when… I miss owning a fault of my own… you can be sure it is only due to the absence of communication needed for making such aware to me.

So… for those of you pulling feathers out of your butts over my last post… you can stop now!

Some Journeys Go Around The Holidays

I’m at a point in my life where my trust in anything and anyone… has been absolutely shattered.

I’m feeling safer by just being alone at this time.

I’m not even capable of responding to messages on the Internet from any guy I don’t even know.  Honestly… he’s better off if I don’t respond.

There is no telling what may be loaded in those darts I throw.

I’m really going through a lot of deep diving in this journey right now.  The process has its days when sorting can be quite overwhelming.  Issues surface from out of left field… totally unexpected.

But you can’t heal until you address the wound.

I have warned people before.  I am raw honest.  This is my journal about my journey.

Over the course of my life I’ve been forced… manipulated… even conned into holding back… in so many ways… for so many shallow-minded… mean… selfish reasons… by many people.

What have I learned from all that so far?  I’m learning how to avoid putting myself in those scenarios.

But for now… this is my turn.  And there’s no holding back from purging anything.

So put on your seatbelt.

Because today I’m talking about… sex.

Serious subject for me.  I don’t take it for granted.  And I have put a halt to me being taken for granted in general.  But even more-so… with sex.

I communicate some really deep emotions through sex.  For me… it is making love.  I’m saying ‘I love you’… in the deepest way possible.

Having your child… was my way of saying how much.

Yeah.  Missed the message.  Didn’t you!

Well.  I tried.

Sex is not part of some daily routine for me… like Pilates… Yoga… Jogging… or some other daily exercise.

Yeah.  I don’t do the Quickie before heading to the grocery store… or the races… or a family dinner… or even before going out dancing.  I might be looked at… or maybe even touched on my arm like a feather enough to make us forget about going to the grocery store.  And the only thing possibly happening after getting dressed and before going out dancing might be a couple shots.

Just sayin’.  Gotta catch us, first!  lol

But.. no.  Sex is not a glimpse in my book.

When you’re having sex with me… you need to understand that I am telling you this is not just some date with me.  I am letting you know that my feelings for you go deeper than just dating.  I’m letting you know that I want to have an exclusive relationship with you.  I’m telling you that I love you.  And I’m letting you know that I want to fall in love with you.

And if that’s too deep for you… feel free to go find a more shallow… pond!

Promises don’t count anymore.  Too many men have broken promises to me.

Noooo.  Actually… the pathetic truth in that statement is… I have not had sex with every man that’s broken a promise to me.

Been a long time since I’ve even been around any man that can be trusted by his word.

My two marriages were quite… dynamic… in their own special way.

My first marriage… I ended up having sex with multiple partners.  The man I was married to… and whatever friend he invited into our bed with us each night.

Jim Beam… Johnnie Walker… Jack Daniels… whatever.  And that crap got old… really quickly.

Believe me… saying ‘I love you’ was… far from anything I had to say to any of them.  Most of the time… it was… “Goodnight.”

Ask him!  Oh wait…. he probably will not remember.  There were nights we did and he still thinks we didn’t.  What else can I say?

My last marriage… I have no idea what to even say.

Okay.  Let’s try this.  I never got a fair chance to start saying, ‘I love you.’ 

Yeah.  Almost 18 years.

Reconstituted Virgin I am!

Shut up.  I AM being nice.  You weren’t there.

I had a post come through my feed somewhere (I hop around like a cricket on my breaks) earlier this week… asking a question.

“If you could go back and do one thing in your life… what would it be?”

My first thought was…

“I’d go ahead and follow through with my plans… that night I changed my mind and decided not to go out to Scruples on the night before Thanksgiving, 1991.”

Back then… everybody that was living out of town always came home for the holidays.

The true love of my life was hit and killed while trying to cross the street to get to his pickup after walking out of Scruples that night… actually, around 12:30am Thanksgiving morning.

Everybody had practically crawled over each other… three years prior… to get to me and tell me he was getting married… two weeks after I came back home from California.  Of course, I knew the truth about why and all.  And she had to live through the truth… which had to be difficult.  He had free choice.  I loved him that much.  And yes.  It hurt.

I ended up having to move out of town.  I could not go out anywhere with friends… without him being there with her.  To be expected.  Small town.  But when I’d walk inside a place… he’d forget she was even there.  He even pinned me in the hallway to the bathrooms one night… while she sat at a table seeing everything.  I couldn’t allow that.

Some of my words… “No, Skippy.  I will not let you do this to her.”

He made the 4-hour drive to come looking for me one weekend.  Found him and one of our friends on the dam.  Drunk… bleeding. Tony’s truck torn up.  They’d hit some elder lady’s car on the dam.  I insisted we keep driving to the house… where I called his brother.  Left a message.  By then… I’d heard about rumors she was going around town spreading… things I was supposed to be doing around town… while I was living over 200 miles away.

I’ve always known.  I’m just that damn good.  Ya’ know?  Right. (smdh)

I wasn’t about to give her anymore fodder.  She’d done well enough on her own.  I knew they were going to jail.  I knew his brother would come bail them out.

What I didn’t know was… he was coming to find me… and tell me the divorce had been filed.  None of his so-called ‘friends’ ever bothered to call and tell me anything then… despite having the toll-free number for my shop.

Remember… this was winter… 1991.  Did we even have cellphones then?

I found out later… the divorce was supposed to be final on Thanksgiving Day.

But I woke up Thanksgiving morning, 1991… made coffee.  Walked outside to take the dog out to go pee and get the newspaper.  Came in.  Poured my cup of coffee.  Sat down with the newspaper.  Opened it to Page 2.

I do not remember much about my life from that morning… Until January 1992.  I do remember nothing making sense.  I remember feeling as if my presence on this planet no longer made any sense.

Jen and I back in California.  Living with my birth parents.  I decided to go to school to become a state certified Animal Health Technician.  They’re strict in California.  You can’t get in with experience, alone.

This was supposed to be the thread that would keep me hanging on.  It didn’t turn out that way.  But that’s a whole different chapter about my survival.

I lived with guilt… for DECADES.  Thinking I could have saved him… if only I had gone ahead and gone out to the club that night.

It was 2007.  I was washing dishes.  Thinking about Skip.  The guilt sent me into tears.  This pain never went away.  Something I just never could quit thinking about.  It happened a lot.  But on this particular day… something different happened.

I heard my Daddy.  “Baby.  It wasn’t your time to go.  You understand?”

After all those years… he showed me the reality I had never even considered.  He decided it was time for me to know the truth… 16 years later.

I would have gone with Skip.  Who would take care of Jennifer?

And then I realized… it was my Daddy that put that sick feeling in my gut that made me change my mind that night.  Overwhelming guilt in my head about leaving Jen with Mara to babysit.  But he did it to save my life.  And he was worried about Jennifer as well.

I don’t know why it took so long.  Maybe it was Skippy’s request.  With all the wisdom and understanding I have now… that would make perfect sense.  And I guess I would deserve it.

Wanting me to hurt as much as he loved me.  So I could finally see… he really did love me.  He really was faithful to me.  He wasn’t screwing around on me… like all the other guys I watched doing to their wives and girlfriends when I drove to Matagorda for the weekend.

I sabotaged that relationship with the love of my life… out of fear.  If all the other guys were cheating… why should I believe he was being a perfect angel for me?

The truth is… he was.  I just did not have any self-confidence to believe I was worth being loved that much… in the very way I always wished and hoped for.  Forget loving myself.  I didn’t even know myself.  I’d never been allowed to know myself freely.  Teresa was already shoved down in her little pinky toe.

But just as I’m writing this post… I’m realizing… my Daddy came to me with the message around the time I… finally confessed to my… new-ex… out loud… the fact that I would not be married to him… if Skip were still on this planet.

The longer I think about that question… I would go even further back in time… for that one thing I would do over again in my life… if I could.

Skip knows exactly what night I’m talking about.  To have all the knowledge I have about life and spiritualism today.  To get the chance to go back to that night.  Everything in my life would take that road God intended.

Skip’s over there with my Daddy now.  He knows everything as well… just like my Daddy.  And he’s very well aware that I’ve never made it any secret to anyone close to me that knew him.

He was the love of my life.  I would have had another dozen kids with that man.  And he tried!  He fought me with the birth control!

You couldn’t put crazy past Skippy Bullard!  That is God’s honest truth!  Anybody still living who knew him will verify!

But today… life is what it is.  And just knowing the truth is enough for both of us.  It has to be.  We can’t go back.

Still… here I am.  But everything changes as I move forward in this journey.  I learn more about who I am… and what I no longer have to put up with.  What I no longer have to fear.  What I no longer have to settle for.  What I have every right to receive for all that I give.  And when I’m pushed… I push back.

I deserve love in all the best ways… for all the right reasons.

I deserve my love to be accepted in all its forms as truth and with complete understanding.

Unfortunately… trust… will be the most difficult challenge for any other man to earn from me and build with me… before making it through these castle walls that protect me.

Now you see why I’m prepared to be alone?

At least I’m honest.

*** Interesting reading about the meaning behind the card I drew after finishing this post.  (Click Here) to get there.