Category: Spiritual Growth

Peaceful Brainstorming

More time spent at home.  More time to contemplate.

More time to daydream.  More time to prepare for setting intentions!

Because the New Moon in Aries appears… on Tuesday… March 23rd.. at 5:28am eastern time (U.S.).

Thinking about… how I want to live… once this COVID-19 has reached an end.

Releasing us all to test ourselves.

Discover how much we have learned about ourselves.

What we require for staying alive.

What we don’t really need in our lives.

Materialism… having it all.

Is that truly where we find happiness?

I think it’s joy that we should find within ourselves.

I think happiness should be found with whomever we choose to share our joy.

Why confuse the two?

Why water one down?

Each deserves respect for its own value.

Just as every man… and every woman.

To acknowledge… and learn to appreciate… is a gift you give yourself.

Balance.  In all things.

This brings the world… and ourselves… to our center.

What’s good for me… may not be good for someone else.

How much I wish in my life… may not be enough for someone else.

I can only speak for myself.

I am only 1 puzzle piece.

It’s like… finding that next puzzle piece that fits… once you have all the edges put together.

I wonder what puzzle piece fits beside me.

All this plays into everything I’ve been thinking about… for my life.

Simplifying.  Downgrading the numbers in some areas.

Allows room for more attention to other areas.

Different priorities.  Refreshment.

Peace.

Which wheels right back around to… the joy inside myself!

There is a particular family I have been keeping up with on YouTube.

I’m simply amazed by the happiness they have created… on one acre of land.

The first thing I love about all they’ve created is the obvious time they took to plan… everything… so thoroughly.

On a personal level… what really tickles me is how they’ve managed to choose a location that allows them to grow just about anything!

Everything you can grow in California… without having to live there!  HA!

If you know me… such a place must be Heaven.

I could… actually… consider relocating.

I love living in East Tennessee.

The countryside is just absolutely beautiful.

But I have learned so many lessons in my life… about life.

Even beautiful land cannot be allowed to own me.

I cannot be bought.

I cannot be owned.

I can only be gifted.

And I come with boundaries of my own.

I hold the keys to my gates.

I get to choose… who gets in… and what gets in… to become part of my life.

For now… I pray.

While I daydream.  I only have hours to get those intentions lined up!

Get ready for that New Moon!

Wherever you may be… Know that you are not alone.

And when you get a chance… click here to go listen to this Beautiful… Beautiful song called… ‘We Are’.

Tom Trapp.  The Conductor.

That handsome man reminds me so much of my Daddy!

Know that we all have Angels we can call upon to guide us and protect us.

Especially during these difficult moments.

Know that you are loved.

As above… so below.

And so it is.

 

When The Current Shows The Calm In The Past

The obsession with materialism has never appealed to me.

I’m isolating myself at home… respecting requests over this situation with the Coronavirus.

Gives time to reflect.

Observing the social panic… over toilet paper… is becoming an interesting lesson in current society that… quite honestly… leaves a really sickening taste in my mouth.

Maybe I’m the odd one.

I just don’t need to hoard more than basic needs with a tinge of comfort.

Enough to keep it cozy and inviting for friends and family.

Materialism is not life… in truth.  I’ve always chosen love over money.

I don’t care what anyone else tries to pin on me.  I’ll say it right now.  They’re full of shit!

I have ALWAYS earned my way.  I have ALWAYS done my part.

In fact… naysayers are only yapping because I pulled back on over indulging them and their wants.

Thirsting for greed.  A mindset of thinking one is entitled to take all they want… and leave others on the curb.

I cannot imagine having that mindset while laying on my deathbed.

I find value in a person that invests in their abilities.  Their talents.

Builds that material world just enough to bring family and friends together.

At that point… it never matters what happens to all that material world… the money.

If it burns… if it’s stolen… it doesn’t matter.

Because that person who put it all together still carries all the true wealth… inside their mind and in their hands.

They can rebuild.  They can save money again.

When it comes to a man… nothing turns me on more than a man who builds just enough to hold family and friends… and then insists on blocking time in life to enjoy time and life with them!

My Daddy had his flaws.  But he sure made a point of doing that.

And he did teach me a lot.

When the chips were down… he was right there.  Whatever you needed.  Didn’t matter if he knew you… or not.

I watched him be taken for granted… in so many ways… by others.

I learned what not to do.

If my own efforts were ever thwarted by an inch… I would let him help me.

And then I would repay him… before doing anything else in my life for myself.

He was never afraid to respect me for that.

I can remember working part-time while in high school.  First thing I chose to do was begin ‘paying room and board.’

I look back now and laugh with love at myself.   And I know he did the same.

Why?

Because it was only $40.00 every 2 weeks.  LMAO!!

But… back then… okay?

It was a chunk out of the few hours I was given to work each week.  I was only making $2.15 per hour!  Give me a break!

I was doing the REAL Part-Time scene…. A high school kid keeping her grades up so she could work 30 hours per week at McDonalds.

Ya’ damn right.  We were required to bring our report cards in to work.

If we had lower than a 3.1 gpa… our hours got cut.

My boss was a retired Air Force Officer.  Need I say more?

Daddy teased me once about the $40.00.  I knew he wasn’t serious.   I rolled with it!

Next payment… I told him… ‘Here’s your Get Out of Jail Money!’

Yeah.  That was while I was rolling up his shirt sleeves… the way he insisted… so perfectly… before walking out the door to go bar hopping on a Friday night.

He was going to need that $34.50 to bail out!!  LOL!

Our best times together before I turned 18 were spent in the bathroom.

Now… hang on!  Hang on.

The man was vain!  He spent more time than a teenager primping in the bathroom!

He never just… shaved.  It was like un-painting a piece of art.

And styling his hair?  Oh.  My.  God.  He wouldn’t stop until the last hair was in its proper place!

I would sit there… watching.  Sometimes laughing at his antics!

And he would sing.  Ohhhh.  The best part.

I loved listening to him sing.

In my life… I learned to be grateful for… love.

Daddy had a thing about keeping up with the Jones’.  He was very materialistic.

But for him… it was about working hard all his life and having something to show for it.

He needed to exude pride for raising and taking care of a family.

I mean… the man was only 27 years old when he bought his first 3-bedroom brick home with a double car garage… and filled it with new furniture.

Brand new camping trailer that slept 6… brand new car… at least one classic car… and of course… his Bike!

He was in apprenticeship school for becoming a Journeyman Pipefitter-Welder.

He was awarded Journeman’s pay after being in school only 6 months of the 5 years to reach certification… two nights every week… after working a full day out at the refineries.

My Daddy was very well known in his craft.  He had a very deeply respected reputation for his talents in Welding.

I know why he was so head strong about the Keeping up with the Jones’.

I understand the real message he was trying to convey.

My Grandparents had 9 out of 14 children survive.

Grandpa spent a lot of time away from the family… working at the shipyards… before moving back to Texas… when he became a Union Pipefitter.

It was rough on Grandma and the kids.  Very rough.

I know that had a lot to do with Daddy’s thinking.

To an extent… I think he resented my Grandpa for being so absent and leaving all of them alone to fend for themselves.  The struggles they endured.

Grandpa was an alcoholic.  It was hereditary in the whole family.  He drank up a lot of the money he earned.

Until he found Sobriety and threatened anyone that even thought about bringing alcohol into his house!

It became a family joke.  And a few of the uncles rebelled… always sneaking it into that small house whenever we all got together for Christmas Eve!

Oh, he was funny!  I love him so much!  He was a mess!!  They were all a mess!!

But I look at people today.  The massive mindset fogged over by obsession for materialism.

It feels so dry and unfeeling… like an abandoned mall.

And even my Daddy would not want to sit in silence about it.  I can see him throwing down his opinions.

He would be sad… disgusted… frustrated.

I don’t know.  The ways of today have me reconsidering my perspective on my first 20 years of my life.

There was a lot of abuse.  But there was a lot of family love.  Love was first.

Love mattered.  Alcohol got in the way.  Lack of tools for maturation got in the way.

But love mattered…  enough that I was able to feel it… until he was killed by a drunk driver.

With the majority of all that huge family now residing over on the other side… everything inside me says they all recognize things they would go back and do differently… if it were possible.

And in my book… that counts.  Because… I feel them all with me… in my life more than they ever were on earth.

They count.  Their love for me counts.  I know they’ve got my back.

And I love each and every one of them… a hundred times more than I ever did while they were here on earth.

Because that’s who I am.

I’ve come full circle from the day I was born.

I am love.

 

 

Ying and Yang – Balance – The Battle

Ever experience having a friend or acquaintance you see almost daily… where you notice they change their mind about things really often… sometimes overnight?

You see a pattern in their thinking.  One day they feel this way.  Tomorrow they feel that way.  It’s like they cannot make up their mind.

It can be exhausting for those on the outside seeing this person going through this… thing.

And they do it with almost every choice in their life.

They look crazy… to some people.

Always in their head.  Right?

I’m one of those people.

I’ve known this for a very… very long time.  It has always bothered me.

Why do I do such things?

This is something that can obstruct relationships in life.

You can lose friends.  Family even negates you out of their equation.

You’re just accepted as being crazy.

And so for me… I separate myself from the whole population.

This is the longest period of time I have done such.

And I continue needing more time.

I’ve needed peace.

I’ve needed answers.

I’ve needed to understand why this goes on inside me.

I’ve needed to understand what others see on the outside of me.

I’ve needed to understand how… and why… I allow others to manipulate and abuse me through this thing I feel has been a weakness.

Some people in my life… may not have even been aware they were even doing so.

Nothing I can do about that.

It is for them to acknowledge with their own awareness.

My job has been to sort out my own self.

I can only speak for myself.

I can only depict the understanding I find… once it settles within my whole being.

Telling me I have found the correct answer… for myself.

Those daily swings of feeling this way one day… that way the next.  That’s not crazy.

That’s me working my ass off… inside my mind and heart.  Searching… fervently.

Imagine a plane dropping a piece of paper from 500 feet in the air.

Envision the paper making its way to the ground.

See how it swirls.  Sways.  Slowly descending.  Until it reaches the ground.  Where it rests in peace.

And then the garbage man picks it up and throws it into the back of the garbage truck!!

Hahaha!

Okay.  Maybe that would be the piece of paper.  Not me!

No.  Reaching the ground for me would be my mind being given time to feel each possible resolution… to find the one that settles most peacefully inside me.

So many things in our lives function by requiring our thoughts… opinions… decisions… on so many different levels.

And I would bet most of us tangle most inside ourselves… when it comes to love.

Love on so many levels.

Family.  Friends.  Personal Goals.

That one we all seek.  To walk alongside… through this life.

Who fits?

Why do they seem to fit?

What about them makes us feel good?

What about them yanks our last nerve?

I mean… balance requires both… good and bad.  And most of all… honesty with ourselves.

I search all the time.  I go back in the past only to seek where I went wrong.

It bothers me.

Without correcting my mistakes… I cannot move forward in a much more pleasant and peaceful frame of mind and heart.

I only wish to bring the best of myself to the table.

I must search my mind and heart with questions for myself.

I must be willing to answer honestly… without fear.

I must be willing to acknowledge my own growth evolves from all this hard work.

And with that said… there may be changes within me that another may not be willing to respect… and/or accept.

I must hone my strength to accept their choice with respect.

Move on… knowing there is someone in this world that is able and willing.

But with that said… can my mind and heart swing back to a longtime truth I have been struggling with?

Love for a soul whose eyes I have never seen.  This has been a battle for me.

Heartache.  Heartbreak.  Back and forth.  In and out.  Present.  Absent.

The absence is the worst.  It has been the latest.  And the longest.

None of the pain settles inside me.  It’s not what I seek.  I run.

I fight to let go.  I fight to feel nothing.

To feel even anger… is to feel something.  And that keeps that cord to that connection secure.

I fight until all I can do is cry.

When there’s no fight left inside me… all I can do is surrender myself… giving in and taking that time to cry it all out.

I get one single day of feeling clear.

The next day… it’s like God steps in and says… “Nope.  I will win.”

Aaaaaaaand…. I’m swinging back to the other end of the spectrum.

This love for this soul with eyes I’ve never seen… simply refuses to go away and leave me alone.

Why?

I’m able to carry on with my own life… work on my goals.  And I’m able to roll with the flow… easily.

I go about my days now… taking care of everything in my life with absolutely no desire to respond to any man approaching me… which is something totally out of character for me now.

Except one.

This is the one answer that has me struggling to find an understanding.

No matter what I do in my life… he is still there.  He still owns my heart.

Why?

What is The Divine concocting?

 

When The Universe Answers Prayers

 

When you put your faith in The Divine… and you follow your intuition… the highest good of all will always come forward.

And your blessings arrive.

I have lived in 788 square feet since last August.  Do not misunderstand me.  I feel forever grateful toward The Divine, my Angels and all my Spirit Guides for covering my back door and protecting me.  This was a blessing that was gifted to me at a time when I really… really needed it.

A 1940’s house… with a bathroom that looked like it was an after-thought.  Who knows?  This IS East Tennessee.

I mean… they still have houses in parts around here without electricity.  Mountain People abound.  Good people!  Just simple living… within their means.  You can trust them more than Bankers.

And technology may have us all feeling like the 1940’s was another era.  But in truth… it really was not that long ago.

I manifested every bit of this.  And here it is… almost to a perfect letter.

The home I hoped for… with the space I needed.  A fenced backyard for Carlie.  Fireplace.  Double car garage.  Garage Door Opener.  Laundry room off the kitchen.  A nice… quiet… shingled roof!

No more metal roofs!  Same as saying, “No more wire hangers!”  (Remember which movie?)

And there’s a Doorbell!!  I haven’t had a doorbell in years!

In Farragut… right behind Turkey Creek… smack in the middle of where I need to be for moving forward with my goals!!  Just around the corner from Costco!  My Putt Putt’s gas tank and I won’t be having so many of those bitter conversations any longer.

But I have been running my butt off ever since I got the approval last week!

I’m halfway there.  No more reason to drive to Athens anymore.  Thank God!

My new abode is a complete wreck at the moment.  And it just may be for several weeks.  Okay… so I’m putting cushion into the schedule.  But either way… I am knocking out boxes, one by one.

I just know I will find that Netgear Router… eventually.

Yeah.  I know.  Should have seen me when I couldn’t find my coffee beans.  Found the pot.  Found my coffee cups.  Even found the grinder!

But I came really close to getting in the car and going after another bag of beans from Costco.  Starbucks was in the opposite direction.

I filled the dishwasher this evening.  Could NOT figure out how to turn the booger on!  So my fix… wrote down the model number and went to the Internet.  Found the instruction manual at the manufacturer’s website and printed that puppy out!

Printed out 52 friggin’ pages.  Got two-thirds of the way through printing before I realized half of it was the Spanish version!

I know!  I know.  Never said the brains were perfect!

Got my bed set up this evening.  But as long as I’ve got this little resting nook for taking breaks until I get everything squared away… I’m grateful!!

Little by little… I’ll get there.  I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I keep praying.

And there’s Daffodils coming up under the mailbox!!

I’m so excited!!  I’m so happy to be back down in my Stomping Grounds!

Oh.  Wait until you see what I’m doing with the other two bedrooms.  It’s a secret.  But I’ll give you a bread crumb.

I’m sitting in one of them right now.

Nope.  That’s all.  Not another word about ‘em!

I’m so excited!!!

 

And I Made My Decision

The alarms on the clocks sound from my Kindle and my phone.  A new day arrives after making a decision before bedtime last night.

I chose walking away.

I know me.  I know my heart.  I know my conscience.  I know the kind of love I am capable of giving.  But I also know the kind of love I deserve.

And beginning today… I will love me.

I rise for my usual morning routine.  My bed is made.  I dress.  Carlie gets her tone collar put on before being let out for her morning constitutions.  Her breakfast is prepared… soaking in hot water to make its ‘gravy’ that she loves.

The usual brushing of my hair and teeth.  Then… I grind fresh coffee bean and set the pot brewing.  That soft ‘bark’ at the front door.  Carlie comes back in and heads for her breakfast after removal of her collar.

There is something about the smell of a fresh cup of hot coffee before the sun even begins to rise.  It’s like… “Good morning!”  And just taking a few moments to absorb how it makes me feel… makes me ready for my next couple of hours.

I’m into my daily guidance on YouTube… listening to Tilly’s daily reading for today… when I have to pause.  Carlie’s finished breakfast.  She won’t let the world continue until she gets her cookies.

Tilly’s reading is finished.  I move on to Gemma’s reading for the day… followed by Uriel’s reading for the weekend.

It’s amazing how all three women cover all aspects of life in their own way.  Light Readers are gifted with their own unique guidance.

I’m so comfortable… thankful… and grateful for how I’ve come to rely on these three women for offering me a peek into what I can expect for the day… what guidance I need from The Divine, the Angels and The Universe.

Fanny is my Go-To for my monthly guidance as an individual.  Still… I gain those daily steps from the other three earth angels!

But it was my own readings I did last night… through Colleen Baron-Reid’s Wisdom of The Oracle and Lucy Cavendish’s Dragonfae Apps (apparently, no longer available in Google’s Play Store?)… that led me to my final decision.

The rest of the day will include more study for a couple hours into the subject of my main goal in life… as well as the current tasks I’m in the middle of handling.  Daily household duties requiring my attention around the house will be completed.  And my evening will be free for planning my weekend.

I always pay attention to how my entire body feels after making decisions like this.  There is a sense of peace that covers me.  Reminds me of a baby’s face… just after entering this world and resting on Mom’s chest… eyes open and looking up at her… so quietly and relaxed.

All the locks at the Dam of Tears seem to have been shut down and not a drop releasing.

And for the first time… I feel what I had manifested long ago… when I experienced the first round of pain that took me too close to a cliff’s edge that nobody really wants to ever see.

I wanted to think of Alan… and feel nothing.

I needed to feel nothing.  I know me.  I have fought a part of me for a very long time now.

There is no man or woman on this planet worth ending your life over… just to feel nothing.

Yes.  It’s a war inside one’s self.  This was the worst war I’ve fought.

Many battles with hope… faith… that loyalty I tried hanging onto for dear life… for only all the right things that have been allowed to exist inside my heart.

My Castle Doors slammed shut.  Several times.  That Drawbridge lifted and locked tight.  That Moat filled to the brim and loaded with a fresh herd of every kind of  sea animal that would eat a man or woman without leaving a bit of evidence.

And still… I remained willing to meet halfway… to reopen negotiation… with him.

It’s exhausting.  But this morning I can wake up and say… “I truly gave it my best.”  At least I know I tried.

But this is not my loss.  He gets to own the loss.

And he will never know all that he lost.  Little does he realize… I never showed him all of me.  I’m not that naïve.

They never see the best of me… until they’ve given me the best of them.

I win.  In the end… I get to have Teresa.

Difficult.  Emotions running so deeply.  Confusion.  I’m not happy with how things are between us.

I try so hard to be patient.  Understanding he is going through his own stuff.  I have no problem with that.  My problem is the fact that he will not communicate with me.

He cannot see that I can be a friend… as well as a partner.  To help each other heal.  To help each other see other perspectives.  To help each other recognize the obstacles in our paths… so each of us can work through our own issues.

Just having that support can make all the difference in the world.

His dead air pushes my patience.  Leaves me questioning whether I should hold on to hope and faith.  Remain loyal to him.  Or… should I walk away?

Does he care how devastating it would be for me to walk away?

I could do it.  I know I would survive this.  But I know I would never be the same.

I know there would be much of me that would die inside.  This frightens me.  This late in my life… after all the lost love I have endured throughout the years.  I know me.  I would not ever care to ever love again.

There comes a time when a beautiful heart becomes too tired.

He cannot see… or, he does not care… how it hurts to feel he does not feel safe or secure enough to come to me as a friend to help him deal with his pain.

To give him different perspectives.  To give him support and encouragement for facing those issues we all face about ourselves that can be so difficult to look at and work on.

To do so in a gentle and compassionate way.

I feel we are… both… strong enough to accomplish this.

There is something so strong inside me that tells me this is why we came to know each other… from the very beginning.  To help each other heal.  To be in each other’s corner.  To be that honesty with gentleness and compassion that only encourages us to overcome our pain.

To journey through it all with each other and become two incredible human beings on the other side.

It’s not a deep dive into some shallow love relationship I’m looking for.  Hot and heavy on the scale of similarity to hooking up in some nightclub.  Walking out the door at closing time… thoughtlessly heading into a tornado that only dies off in a short period of time.

Not that they all turn out that way.  But too many do.  And I want nothing like that.

My prayer is for a reality in the lives of two people who need to heal and want to become the very best that the Divine intended for each of them.

To be courageous enough to allow each other inside for offering raw objectivity.  Helping one another see issues and obstacles we’re not able to see in ourselves.

Being that needed support that gives each other that safe feeling and courage to overcome issues causing us pain and/or confusion.

Being able to look at one another as we scratch off one more issue from that list… and feel we are looking at the one person that makes us want to knock out that entire list… so easily.  Taking a moment to soak in all those wonderful feelings it gives us to realize this.

He cannot see I do have a life.  He cannot see I am very busy myself… with daily tasks and working on my own goals.  Making my own personal dreams become real.  Working on me as much as I can.

But he also cannot see the mountains I could climb with a smile… the doubled joy in my heart… that incredible load of energy and enthusiasm… simply by having communication with him on a regular basis.

And he cannot see the same difference it could bring for him.  If only he would let me.

All I can do on my own is put this in the hands of The Divine and The Universe.  And continue to pray for him.  Beyond that… there is only one truth I know for sure about us.

So much to walk away from.  Too much.

Forever a Milestone for Me – 2019

 

Deep lessons I learned this year, which came with great sacrifice and loss.  But compensation was taking back my power and finding Teresa.

I can only pray for others that no longer understand me and/or want to be around me… and hope life and the universe bring them around to choosing to heal themselves.

I love them all.  But the cycles needed to stop somewhere.  Cleansing needed to begin somewhere.

One man wasn’t my only problem.  I brought my own issues to the table.  And there were others involved.

Adult children in this country need to wake up and look at themselves.  I’m not alone when I say this.  I’m hearing parents of grown children everywhere saying the very same thing.

It blows my mind.  It breaks my heart.  For all of us.

None of us is perfect.  We never reach any particular age and know it all.  Learning never ends for any of us… including parents.

The fork in the road led me to two choices of paths.  I took the better road.  They don’t know.  I was one hair away from checking out.  Nobody would ever get to have me ever again… if I couldn’t have myself.

So there.  I chose hope.

I learned we all asked for this experience of Life on this planet.  We had to get here some way.  God made a way.  All He expects is for us to be guided until we become adults.

I learned nobody is perfect.  Many fail at being guides.  There is no manual.

But we all get a second chance.  It’s called becoming an adult.

That’s when we have the freedom to choose seeking healing to exude that unique soul inside each one of us… that we bring to this life… and take with us when we leave.

Until every one of us finds that healing… we will never have that reunion.  And ‘We’ is every soul on this planet… especially families.

I learned about real love.

I found real love in me.

I learned TRUTH.

I learned how to become free from being mentally conditioned… manipulated… controlled.

I witnessed hope in a 16 year old young lady that set this world on its toes… as she traveled all around the world… lighting fires in hearts that DO CARE… EXPECT TRUTH… DESERVE TRUTH… EXPECT CHANGE… DESERVE CHANGE… for the HIGHEST GOOD OF ALL.

Greta gave me courage.  Strength.  Hope.

And speaking of…

Strength.  Self-Worth.  Value.  Fair Boundaries.  Peace.  Tranquility.  Balance.  Happiness.

Goals I have reached!

I pray this hits home for so many others.  If you’re hurting… Seek an Empath.  Seek a Spiritual Healer.  Seek a Reiki Healer.  Google the words.  You’ll never regret it.

Learn the TRUTH about Tarot.  It saved my life.

Happy New Year, everyone!

2020 is gonna be so awesome!

*** “Serendipity” – Card #18 from Wisdom of The Oracle Deck by Colette Baron-Reid.  (Click here) to read the meaning of the card.

My Lines are Never Blurred

Unlike that photo above, for sure!  WordPress really needs to work on their transfer of media into their libraries.  It goes south.

My lines for my boundaries may extend a little further than some people.  Never the less… I do… have strict and specific lines drawn for my boundaries.

Those lines do protect a strong portion of details within a relationship whenever I am involved with a man.

I think I can safely say… any details I have shared out in the open in this blog are… simply… what can be expected… after a man has given plenty of effort into leaving me feeling betrayed… after leaving me behind on what was nothing more than a one-lane road.

Any kind of a relationship comes with its own value.  That value is determined by efforts made by two people… both people.

Never would I claim to be perfect.  God knows… I am the first to acknowledge that fact.  And that’s why I’m so involved in healing myself.

I’m constantly looking forward and heading in the direction for becoming the best human being possible… from the inside out.

Others may feel no need to strive for self-improvement.  To that… “God bless ya’!”  Must feel so great to be perfect!

I’m working on it. ;)~

Anyone else has free will and choice to be all they wish.  Good or Bad.  And I have the choice of not allowing any man into my life that chooses being Bad.

I know who I am.  I’m a good person.  My heart is genuine.  My conscience thrives on being legitimate… for only good and best intentions.  My Daddy raised me with standards that I have never forgotten… despite his occasional… “Do as I say… not as I do” events in his own life.

Trust me.  He’s over on the other side… laughing at me right now!  He knows!  He knows.

You may manage to find your way inside.  I can promise you that will be your greatest challenge in your life… after my hard fight with getting through this divorce.

But that never means you’ll stay.  It’s your choice for how you handle your part that determines such.

And when you hurt me… when you betray me… when you choose to do physical damage to me… or… within the perimeters of the relationship that cause it to end.  And especially when you choose to behave downright nasty through the exit…

Yeah.  You can count on me showing the world who you chose to be in my life.

But as far as any healthy relationship that is thriving between myself and my partner… THAT is when I am more than pleased to confess being selfish with my choice of privacy.

The first reason why I choose to behave in such manner… believe it or not… is out of respect for my partner.

If you can’t figure out when I lose respect for a partner… go back to the first post of this blog and catch up.

Yes.  The boundaries are there.  And reciprocity keeps all that goodness healthy.

I am a Giver.  Granted… this past year has dealt the toughest fight I’ve ever experienced.  But this has only overhauled this lady.

Getting into my castle… behind those walls that were only made three times stronger after this divorce… will never be anywhere near as easy as before.

My willingness to give as much in the process of initiating… not so plentiful anymore.

Lately… I find comfort in going back to the good old-fashioned ways of how a Gentleman should take the lead… and how he should honor the gift God gives him… with every breath he takes… if he wishes to receive it all back ten-fold.

The older I become… the more I come to figure out exactly what I do want in my life… what I don’t want in my life… and what I will not allow into my life.  Turtles cannot lay the number of eggs to keep up with the growth of my strength… determination… and my will.

All this is definitely connected to my personal choices for all that I hold dearly from within a relationship with a man.

So… my answer is No.

You will never witness this blog exposing everything I may share with a partner.  But I can say this.  While I may throw their evil deeds out to the universe for cleansing as I go through all this healing… I am diligent about owning my own faults that I can understand would have been a contributor.

If… and when… I miss owning a fault of my own… you can be sure it is only due to the absence of communication needed for making such aware to me.

So… for those of you pulling feathers out of your butts over my last post… you can stop now!

Major Personal Wish Come True

One more wish come true and scratched off my Bucket List!

Thank you… Thank you… THANK YOU… Jeff Rains!  You can find him on Instagram as thejeffrains.

Oh.  You can also find him in Knoxville, Tennessee!

This has been a very personal endeavor of mine… for quite some time now.  It has been placed on my left fore-arm.  I’m left-handed.  It’s there to grab my attention!

I think the timing was perfect for this one.  I put a lot of thought… consideration… and sentiment into the story behind everything it represents for me.  Subjects that are very precious to me.  Secrets… that can only come out now.

The tattoo makes the statement of where I stand in my own truth.

“I am… The Only Author of My Story.”

Quite the play on words.  And they all fit!

One of my major affirmations about by myself.  The power to run my life and make my decisions now rests in my own hands today.  Teresa has reclaimed herself.  Free from anyone with bad intentions.

I am… is the last Being I will ever answer to when it’s all said and done… God.

No more submitting to anyone else’s insistence… and being left hanging in the nasty consequences.

I get to choose all that now goes on in my life.  And I’ve already discovered those choices are turning out results that are pretty damn good… so far… I might add!

Where once this huge thick wall of hurt and pain kept me caged… all the devastation and disappointment caused by others that could send me falling apart crying anytime I had to look at it.  Just to try talking about any of it… would bring this massive tidal wave that I came to despise.

Not anymore.  No more tidal wave.

I was able to tell the story that relates to the tattoo… while Jeff was bringing it to life.  Not one single tear.  No tears from any of the stings as well!

I have wanted to reach this point so desperately… since I was a very… very young child.

The Quill… well.  Some of us know what… some of us… have said about a feather.  Right?!

I’m joking!  It’s my Quill… for the writing of the message.

The Arrow… When I first saw the arrow… what came to me was the impact of this connection that hit me back in January, 2018… from oceans away.  Took a couple months before it hit.  Took a little more time trying to run from it!

Alan didn’t just give me courage in a game.  I took that gift and applied it to my life… to my goal of reclaiming Teresa.

The color of the ribbon… his eyes… the color he described… and the fact that I have never seen them.

There remains a tough subject that carries continued struggle.  You can only cover so much in an hour of therapy.  Right?!  I did get through explaining this part to Jeff without losing it.  Although I didn’t get in very deep with many details.

I have always said… “Nobody really knows me.”

Today… I can say there are three people that probably know me best.  Alan… My Aunt Judy… and my Therapist.  Because I had to keep the peace… by keeping my own thoughts and feelings about my identity… myself… anything about me… to myself.

It was the only way to keep it legit… without lame… shallow… narcissistic excuses coming back at me… trying to water it all down to nothing.

The calligraphy in the tattoo is written in Portuguese… to honor my Paternal Grandmother, Beatrice Tavares.  For the very short time that we were able to share with each other… there came a time when she had promised to teach me to speak Portuguese after I learned to speak Spanish.

The significance of her existence in my life has been another… secret issue.  The truth… there was very little of this birthright… for which I was deprived.

Grandma Bea died in February, 2007… in Clear Lake, California… while I was hospitalized in Maryville, Tennessee with 18 staples in my gut after having an emergency hysterectomy.  I believe she was 91.

It was the Tavares family’s opinion… upon meeting me in 1990… that I looked just like Grandma Bea.

I loved talking with her!  I have spent many years feeling angry about manipulation in deprivation of any developed relationship with her.

What little I do know… so far… is this.  As an adult… I can see the very strong woman she was… by the career she sustained and retired from… working in a ketchup factory in the Bay Area of California… taking care of 3 sons and a daughter… by herself… after a divorce.

She was wise.  She had always planned and saved.  She made sure she would be financially comfortable without any help from her children in her later years.

She enjoyed her own 1-bedroom apartment… and those senior bus trips with all her friends… all around the country!  And when I did get the chance… I sat feeling so mesmerized… listening to her stories!  I just enjoyed listening to her talk.  She was funny!

I’ve never forgotten the short time I got to spend with her.  And I live every day now… with the knowing that all that manipulation will fail.  Because I will get to listen to her stories… all I want… when I cross over to the other side.

And NOBODY will get in the way of that happening.

For now… I’m wearing my very first Portuguese lesson!

I’m happy!

Full Moons and Castles

I opened up my Line account, yesterday.  Had to open a new account.  I named it TeresaMarie.  Same name I had given one of my castles that I left behind when I quit playing Clash of Kings.

The app tried forcing me to go collect some pin number from my ‘other device’ before I could have my original account back.

That would be… two cellphones behind my life.  I’m not even sure I still have the damn thing.

This request… from an android app.  Amazing.  Maybe I should go back to school and learn some tech geek… formalities.  I’d be ahead of the game… with common sense.

We’re about to receive another Full Moon.  Reaches our area at 8:34 am eastern time in the U.S.A. on Tuesday.  This full moon is packed with more than the usual.  Click here to gain a bit of insight.

We had a beautiful day today.  We’ll have rain before I find my pillow tonight.  We’ll have snow when I wake up.  Welcome to East Tennessee.  Ha!

I’ll be staying inside all day while it snows… having fun with more sewing!  I like the fact that I’ve learned to set my boundaries when it comes to discussing all I am doing with my passion.

Which means I’m not sharing much.  ;)~

I’m spending just as much time learning from other sources.  There are so many special techniques that are necessary for all that I have in mind.  I’m one who values the time I put into anything I do.  So it only makes sense that I give it all the very best possible.

This is about… Me… my goal… My individuality.  And this is on my terms.

Does this mean I’m some Control Freak?  I can answer this honestly.

I am the first of all humans uncomfortable in the presence of my flaws that create dysfunction with others.

I haven’t pinpointed the exact moment when that flaw took a serious turn onto a more appropriate path.  But I do know this.  The opportunity was at the top of my list for my journey of reclaiming myself.

Said opportunity came once my divorce was final.  Please take a moment and just… let that sink in.

“Why would she have to wait until….. Ohhhhhhhh!”

Yeah.  I know.  Be glad you weren’t the one having to wait.

Appropriate boundaries.  This is about choices and decisions in my life that belong to me.  My wish for a specific goal pertaining to my passion for sewing is one good example.

When it comes to relationships with my grown children… I am in need of separating myself from their lives at this time… in order to have a fair playing field for working on setting my own appropriate boundaries.  A huge part of reclaiming myself.

Works differently for others… I guess.  I don’t know.  I only know this works for me.

I’m hoping my children will find interest in taking time to examine their own issues.  There is a better chance with me out of the picture.  Of course… we all have free will.  Whether they take that opportunity… or not… is up to them and none of my business.

On the same token… the work I’m putting into my own self… is none of their business.  Their opinions are none of my business… and vice versa.

I’m only responsible for myself today.  And I am taking care of myself.

In simple terms… I have no desire to live the rest of my life as some mangled up friggin’ mess!

As for a love relationship with a partner… do I really need to say?  Okay.  For anyone that has not been around…

I am not ready.

And I have to be honest.  There is only one soul on this planet that would even stand a remote chance in Hell.  He’s nowhere to be found.

And he is neither of my two ex-husbands.  Trust me.

It hurts.  I don’t know what to do with it.  I’m trying.  It is a work in progress.  Covering it in therapy.  This man has affected my heart like no other man ever has.

I could win the damn lottery.  And it would not come anywhere near affecting me as much as this… profoundly deep-thinking… ever-so-guarded man with a damaged heart holding sensitivity more delicate than rice paper.

This is a situation that only spiritualists… Empaths… Light Workers… Healers and such… would completely understand.

I am an Empath.  Click here to read up.

Empaths seem to be delicious bait for Narcissists.  Let me just put that out there.  Click here for some great information on Narcissists.

Here on earth… we can release ourselves from each other… and vice versa.  However… when The Devine has made the plans… He never fails.  He sticks to His plans.

One way… or another… you will end up from Point A to Point B… which only He has decided upon.  And His Divine Timing reigns over your schedule in life, as well.

In other words… whatever you try to fill your life with outside His plans… will be turned on its head.  Nothing else will bear fruit.  If your intuition has not moved you in line with Divine Timing for certain events… look out!  He’ll make it happen.  He will come in and toss your little apple cart upside down right before your eyes.

They call it a ‘Tower Moment.’  I have put myself through numerous attempts to walk away.  I have faced these Tower Moments every time I have attempted to walk away from all feeling and emotions for this man.

I think both of us are very stubborn.  I think it’s because we are so protective over our hearts.  Because we’ve been hurt so many times.  So deeply.

This New Moon and Mercury Retrograde passing through right now… has put me through Hell.  The readings.  I had to stop going to YouTube for any readings for Libra and Gemini.

Mystic Witch Tarot… I truly trust her.  She helps me with my personal journey… as an individual.

Opal Oracle… Raaji!  She is so awesome.  She gets down to that Mother Earth Understanding and alignment with the Universe.  And you really need some deep intellect to keep up with her.

Gemma at Gemstone Tarot… Daily Collective.  The Collective refers to everyone in general.  I can handle this right now.  Gemma offers the astrological common sense core feel for us all.  And she’s funny as all get-out!

Lucy at The Channel of Love… focuses on the twists and turns between Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine Twin Flames.  She goes through her readings in Story-form.  Her perspective has helped cool my jets… so many times.

All the others had me twisting like a pretzel… until I went into my own cards.  You must be very careful when you begin plugging in to all those readings.  And recently… legitimate Readers have busted some plagiarism.  On most occasions… I will refuse to listen to any reader that already has cards laid out in placement.

I lean on God and The Universe.  And before any church-goers begin coming at me like alligators… I’ll make a deal with you.  You stay in your lane.  I’ll stay in mine.  And we’ll be just fine.

This is my blog.  It is a tool that helps me in my healing.  I get to share what I choose.  Your opinion is none of my business.  And I respectfully request that you keep your opinions in your own pockets.

I have found an even closer relationship with God… since going into Tarot.  And I have seen the difference with an even deeper gift of Discernment.  I am blessed much more by free will choices… rather than all the mental and emotional conditioning that has been bleeding all over this planet.

Just follow the money.  “The things they say… just to fill up that damn offering plate!”

I lean on God.  I lean on The Archangels.  I lean on The Universe.  I believe in them all… for protecting me and guiding me.

I will stand beside them… before standing beside you… no matter who you may be.

‘Nuff said.  Back to the topic.

I know which path I am supposed to take.  I am fine with this.  I can wait on Divine Timing.

I have plenty to keep me busy preparing.  And I am moving forward.

Still…

I feel him.  He comes to me.  That Mental Telepathy.  He knows.  He’s always known.  And he knows how to use it.

The tables are turned now.  That damn game.  He knew how to contact me outside Clash of Kings.  I gave him everything.

Some people are probably thinking right now… “If he wanted to contact you… he would.”

Well… Yeah.  You think I don’t know that?  I know this better than you.  Because he’s done so in the past.

But I also understand Divine Timing.  I understand there being reasons for separation.  I understand the concept of both of us being on our own journey.  Both of us being guided through lessons and healing… before God decides the time is right.

Imagination?  No.  You have to feel what’s going on inside you without any self-inflicted provocation.  That’s called The Knowing.  Unexplainable feelings and emotions that overwhelm you.  You can be in the middle of doing anything… cleaning house… working on a car when it just comes out of left field.

It’s him.  That’s when the telepathy kicks in.  That’s when I can feel him.  At times… I have to stop whatever I’m doing.  The feeling becomes so strong.

And yes.  I answer.  With love.

I miss him.

I miss those conversations when we were both present… at the same time.  Seeing those words typed… back and forth between each other.

I miss the fun we had.  Turning typed words into food fights… and water hose fights… and cooking in the kitchen.

He described so well… the two of us sitting on a blanket… out in the sunshine… eating frozen yogurt.  I could see us.

We shared time talking about other things.  I choose to keep those between us… for him.

Okay… I still say I could cook a steak better than him.

Just to be clear… nothing in the gutter existed.  We have some really nasty… vulgar pigs on the internet.  But this man….

This man is way above that.

I loved talking with him.  Because he helped me see so many things from a different perspective.  It made me want to learn more from his perspective.

I loved talking with him.  Because he showed me I was worth being trusted to know some of his troubles.  I’m forever left feeling so honored that he felt that safe and comfortable with me.

I loved talking with him.  Because he helped me see the difference between a caring man… and a twisted narcissist.

I loved talking with him.  Because he helped me believe I can do anything.

I loved playing Clash of Kings with him.  Because he was the one that helped me find my own strength and power.  So many values in life are what this man shared with me… reassured me that a man can be capable of maintaining self-respect… dignity… honor.

He showed me so much of himself in that damn game.

I learned about loyalty through the game… from him.  Because he showed me at the expense of his own loss of power.  He honored me with a deep secret about his true authentic self.

He was gentle with my concerns… my wishes.  He would wait until I slept… before going off around the kingdom to do his attacking of other castles to regain his power.  Never in front of me.  Never while I was awake… sans the Conquest.

Yeah.  I knew!  But I wasn’t about to spoil all that fruit!

Always protective over me… in a game.  And through a game… this man showed me the best of his heart and soul.  Because of everything I learned… I know there are things about his life he has kept from me… to protect me and keep from hurting me.

Because that’s who he is.

I miss talking with him… because I had to learn that he was too damaged and caged up with fear… from being so undeservedly hurt.

I miss talking with him… because I was in such a blind rush with wanting to show him deserved love that he was in no shape to handle.

He hides in a castle… just like me.  A safe place from any further hurt and pain.

His castle… much larger than mine.

His Drawbridge… much stronger with an even stronger lock than mine.

His moat… He knows I can’t swim.

And I refuse to drown… knowing everything I’d be taking with me.

My intention for this Full Moon… the day he comes to my castle and yells for me.

Like me… he cannot swim.  Yes, that would be one of the good misfortunes we have in common.  LOL

But I would know it is him.  And I would drop whatever I may be in the middle of handling… and set down that drawbridge before my second breath.