Things Taken For Granted – Page 2

My Lines are Never Blurred

Unlike that photo above, for sure! WordPress really needs to work on their transfer of media into their libraries. It goes south.

My lines for my boundaries may extend a little further than some people. Never the less… I do… have strict and specific lines drawn for my boundaries.

Those lines do protect a strong portion of details within a relationship whenever I am involved with a man.

I think I can safely say… any details I have shared out in the open in this blog are… simply… what can be expected… after a man has given plenty of effort into leaving me feeling betrayed… after leaving me behind on what was nothing more than a one-lane road.

Any kind of a relationship comes with its own value. That value is determined by efforts made by two people… both people.

Never would I claim to be perfect. God knows… I am the first to acknowledge that fact. And that’s why I’m so involved in healing myself.

I’m constantly looking forward and heading in the direction for becoming the best human being possible… from the inside out.

Others may feel no need to strive for self-improvement. To that… “God bless ya’!” Must feel so great to be perfect!

I’m working on it. ;)~

Anyone else has free will and choice to be all they wish. Good or Bad. And I have the choice of not allowing any man into my life that chooses being Bad.

I know who I am. I’m a good person. My heart is genuine. My conscience thrives on being legitimate… for only good and best intentions. My Daddy raised me with standards that I have never forgotten… despite his occasional… “Do as I say… not as I do” events in his own life.

Trust me. He’s over on the other side… laughing at me right now! He knows! He knows.

You may manage to find your way inside. I can promise you that will be your greatest challenge in your life… after my hard fight with getting through this divorce.

But that never means you’ll stay. It’s your choice for how you handle your part that determines such.

And when you hurt me… when you betray me… when you choose to do physical damage to me… or… within the perimeters of the relationship that cause it to end. And especially when you choose to behave downright nasty through the exit…

Yeah. You can count on me showing the world who you chose to be in my life.

But as far as any healthy relationship that is thriving between myself and my partner… THAT is when I am more than pleased to confess being selfish with my choice of privacy.

The first reason why I choose to behave in such manner… believe it or not… is out of respect for my partner.

If you can’t figure out when I lose respect for a partner… go back to the first post of this blog and catch up.

Yes. The boundaries are there. And reciprocity keeps all that goodness healthy.

I am a Giver. Granted… this past year has dealt the toughest fight I’ve ever experienced. But this has only overhauled this lady.

Getting into my castle… behind those walls that were only made three times stronger after this divorce… will never be anywhere near as easy as before.

My willingness to give as much in the process of initiating… not so plentiful anymore.

Lately… I find comfort in going back to the good old-fashioned ways of how a Gentleman should take the lead… and how he should honor the gift God gives him… with every breath he takes… if he wishes to receive it all back ten-fold.

The older I become… the more I come to figure out exactly what I do want in my life… what I don’t want in my life… and what I will not allow into my life. Turtles cannot lay the number of eggs to keep up with the growth of my strength… determination… and my will.

All this is definitely connected to my personal choices for all that I hold dearly from within a relationship with a man.

So… my answer is No.

You will never witness this blog exposing everything I may share with a partner. But I can say this. While I may throw their evil deeds out to the universe for cleansing as I go through all this healing… I am diligent about owning my own faults that I can understand would have been a contributor.

If… and when… I miss owning a fault of my own… you can be sure it is only due to the absence of communication needed for making such aware to me.

So… for those of you pulling feathers out of your butts over my last post… you can stop now!

Some Journeys Go Around The Holidays

I’m at a point in my life where my trust in anything and anyone… has been absolutely shattered.

I’m feeling safer by just being alone at this time.

I’m not even capable of responding to messages on the Internet from any guy I don’t even know. Honestly… he’s better off if I don’t respond.

There is no telling what may be loaded in those darts I throw.

I’m really going through a lot of deep diving in this journey right now. The process has its days when sorting can be quite overwhelming. Issues surface from out of left field… totally unexpected.

But you can’t heal until you address the wound.

I have warned people before. I am raw honest. This is my journal about my journey.

Over the course of my life I’ve been forced… manipulated… even conned into holding back… in so many ways… for so many shallow-minded… mean… selfish reasons… by many people.

What have I learned from all that so far? I’m learning how to avoid putting myself in those scenarios.

But for now… this is my turn. And there’s no holding back from purging anything.

So put on your seatbelt.

Because today I’m talking about… sex.

Serious subject for me. I don’t take it for granted. And I have put a halt to me being taken for granted in general. But even more-so… with sex.

I communicate some really deep emotions through sex. For me… it is making love. I’m saying ‘I love you’… in the deepest way possible.

Having your child… was my way of saying how much.

Yeah. Missed the message. Didn’t you!

Well. I tried.

Sex is not part of some daily routine for me… like Pilates… Yoga… Jogging… or some other daily exercise.

Yeah. I don’t do the Quickie before heading to the grocery store… or the races… or a family dinner… or even before going out dancing. I might be looked at… or maybe even touched on my arm like a feather enough to make us forget about going to the grocery store. And the only thing possibly happening after getting dressed and before going out dancing might be a couple shots.

Just sayin’. Gotta catch us, first! lol

But.. no. Sex is not a glimpse in my book.

When you’re having sex with me… you need to understand that I am telling you this is not just some date with me. I am letting you know that my feelings for you go deeper than just dating. I’m letting you know that I want to have an exclusive relationship with you. I’m telling you that I love you. And I’m letting you know that I want to fall in love with you.

And if that’s too deep for you… feel free to go find a more shallow… pond!

Promises don’t count anymore. Too many men have broken promises to me.

Noooo. Actually… the pathetic truth in that statement is… I have not had sex with every man that’s broken a promise to me.

Been a long time since I’ve even been around any man that can be trusted by his word.

My two marriages were quite… dynamic… in their own special way.

My first marriage… I ended up having sex with multiple partners. The man I was married to… and whatever friend he invited into our bed with us each night.

Jim Beam… Johnnie Walker… Jack Daniels… whatever. And that crap got old… really quickly.

Believe me… saying ‘I love you’ was… far from anything I had to say to any of them. Most of the time… it was… “Goodnight.”

Ask him! Oh wait…. he probably will not remember. There were nights we did and he still thinks we didn’t. What else can I say?

My last marriage… I have no idea what to even say.

Okay. Let’s try this. I never got a fair chance to start saying, ‘I love you.’

Yeah. Almost 18 years.

Reconstituted Virgin I am!

Shut up. I AM being nice. You weren’t there.

I had a post come through my feed somewhere (I hop around like a cricket on my breaks) earlier this week… asking a question.

“If you could go back and do one thing in your life… what would it be?”

My first thought was…

“I’d go ahead and follow through with my plans… that night I changed my mind and decided not to go out to Scruples on the night before Thanksgiving, 1991.”

Back then… everybody that was living out of town always came home for the holidays.

The true love of my life was hit and killed while trying to cross the street to get to his pickup after walking out of Scruples that night… actually, around 12:30am Thanksgiving morning.

Everybody had practically crawled over each other… three years prior… to get to me and tell me he was getting married… two weeks after I came back home from California. Of course, I knew the truth about why and all. And she had to live through the truth… which had to be difficult. He had free choice. I loved him that much. And yes. It hurt.

I ended up having to move out of town. I could not go out anywhere with friends… without him being there with her. To be expected. Small town. But when I’d walk inside a place… he’d forget she was even there. He even pinned me in the hallway to the bathrooms one night… while she sat at a table seeing everything. I couldn’t allow that.

Some of my words… “No, Skippy. I will not let you do this to her.”

He made the 4-hour drive to come looking for me one weekend. Found him and one of our friends on the dam. Drunk… bleeding. Tony’s truck torn up. They’d hit some elder lady’s car on the dam. I insisted we keep driving to the house… where I called his brother. Left a message. By then… I’d heard about rumors she was going around town spreading… things I was supposed to be doing around town… while I was living over 200 miles away.

I’ve always known. I’m just that damn good. Ya’ know? Right. (smdh)

I wasn’t about to give her anymore fodder. She’d done well enough on her own. I knew they were going to jail. I knew his brother would come bail them out.

What I didn’t know was… he was coming to find me… and tell me the divorce had been filed. None of his so-called ‘friends’ ever bothered to call and tell me anything then… despite having the toll-free number for my shop.

Remember… this was winter… 1991. Did we even have cellphones then?

I found out later… the divorce was supposed to be final on Thanksgiving Day.

But I woke up Thanksgiving morning, 1991… made coffee. Walked outside to take the dog out to go pee and get the newspaper. Came in. Poured my cup of coffee. Sat down with the newspaper. Opened it to Page 2.

I do not remember much about my life from that morning… Until January 1992. I do remember nothing making sense. I remember feeling as if my presence on this planet no longer made any sense.

Jen and I back in California. Living with my birth parents. I decided to go to school to become a state certified Animal Health Technician. They’re strict in California. You can’t get in with experience, alone.

This was supposed to be the thread that would keep me hanging on. It didn’t turn out that way. But that’s a whole different chapter about my survival.

I lived with guilt… for DECADES. Thinking I could have saved him… if only I had gone ahead and gone out to the club that night.

It was 2007. I was washing dishes. Thinking about Skip. The guilt sent me into tears. This pain never went away. Something I just never could quit thinking about. It happened a lot. But on this particular day… something different happened.

I heard my Daddy. “Baby. It wasn’t your time to go. You understand?”

After all those years… he showed me the reality I had never even considered. He decided it was time for me to know the truth… 16 years later.

I would have gone with Skip. Who would take care of Jennifer?

And then I realized… it was my Daddy that put that sick feeling in my gut that made me change my mind that night. Overwhelming guilt in my head about leaving Jen with Mara to babysit. But he did it to save my life. And he was worried about Jennifer as well.

I don’t know why it took so long. Maybe it was Skippy’s request. With all the wisdom and understanding I have now… that would make perfect sense. And I guess I would deserve it.

Wanting me to hurt as much as he loved me. So I could finally see… he really did love me. He really was faithful to me. He wasn’t screwing around on me… like all the other guys I watched doing to their wives and girlfriends when I drove to Matagorda for the weekend.

I sabotaged that relationship with the love of my life… out of fear. If all the other guys were cheating… why should I believe he was being a perfect angel for me?

The truth is… he was. I just did not have any self-confidence to believe I was worth being loved that much… in the very way I always wished and hoped for. Forget loving myself. I didn’t even know myself. I’d never been allowed to know myself freely. Teresa was already shoved down in her little pinky toe.

But just as I’m writing this post… I’m realizing… my Daddy came to me with the message around the time I… finally confessed to my… new-ex… out loud… the fact that I would not be married to him… if Skip were still on this planet.

The longer I think about that question… I would go even further back in time… for that one thing I would do over again in my life… if I could.

Skip knows exactly what night I’m talking about. To have all the knowledge I have about life and spiritualism today. To get the chance to go back to that night. Everything in my life would take that road God intended.

Skip’s over there with my Daddy now. He knows everything as well… just like my Daddy. And he’s very well aware that I’ve never made it any secret to anyone close to me that knew him.

He was the love of my life. I would have had another dozen kids with that man. And he tried! He fought me with the birth control!

You couldn’t put crazy past Skippy Bullard! That is God’s honest truth! Anybody still living who knew him will verify!

But today… life is what it is. And just knowing the truth is enough for both of us. It has to be. We can’t go back.

Still… here I am. But everything changes as I move forward in this journey. I learn more about who I am… and what I no longer have to put up with. What I no longer have to fear. What I no longer have to settle for. What I have every right to receive for all that I give. And when I’m pushed… I push back.

I deserve love in all the best ways… for all the right reasons.

I deserve my love to be accepted in all its forms as truth and with complete understanding.

Unfortunately… trust… will be the most difficult challenge for any other man to earn from me and build with me… before making it through these castle walls that protect me.

Now you see why I’m prepared to be alone?

At least I’m honest.

*** Interesting reading about the meaning behind the card I drew after finishing this post. (Click Here) to get there.

Game Over – Betrayer Loses

This post goes out to a particular person. And you know who you are.

I went to bed last night, needing medication to help calm me enough so I could sleep… after going in and finding your cold… frozen message.

For quite a while now… I have needed answers. Nothing was right. Nothing made sense. Who was this person leaving these messages?

You are not the man I know. And that was verified for me this morning (click here).

I now know I’m being protected by Archangel Raguel. He knew all this needed to make sense for me. He knew I deserved to know the truths.

Because you make absolutely no sense to me… anymore. Not as you are. Not as you choose to be. You are not your true self. And you know this. You struggle to run from yourself. You hide from your own truth.

Your loss. Not mine.

Knowing even the worst of circumstances gives me back my power. I can now move forward… using all my strength in more positive and productive areas of my life.

And I am.

I will not sit in Hell with you. After this morning… you can choose to exist there. But you will do so without me. She will never be me. And you also know this.

You know who I am. Remember? “You are the one.”

Your words. Not mine.

As I’ve said to you before… “Wish in one hand. Piss in the other. See which warms your heart faster.”

You chose to run. You chose money… over that love your very own soul craved.

Ask yourself. What does that say about you?

You found that love. But now you choose to lead with your ego… rather than your heart. You choose to defy God’s plan. You choose to lose… everything.

I did my part. I fought. I fought for us. You chose to destroy… with your ego. I would be wrong to fight any longer. That would make me the Idiot you have chosen to become.

I know better. I will always answer to God first… before I ever fall into Hell with you. You have now put yourself into a position where you will have to crawl out by yourself… without me.

The question is… will you have the courage?

I doubt you. You’ve given me every reason.

Because I will NEVER come to you… ever again. I do not acknowledge cowards who choose Hell. Who choose ego over heart. Who choose money over a Queen. Who choose greed over God.

Archangel Raguel intervened. He knew I deserved a full… completely honest explanation. He led me to the Light Worker in the link above. I have never come across her before. Nothing happens by accident.

She read you like a book. You make no sense. But everything she shared in that reading makes perfect sense.

Not only did you refuse to handle what is your responsibility. You put on one more of many masks to impress those around you. Cruelty upon the last person that deserved such from you.

And you know this. That’s the worst part. Isn’t it?

Now I know why I have been hearing such strange things from so many other readers… all in sync… same messages. They all talk about your drinking. God knows there has been too much pain in my life caused by drinking already.

Like I said… I’m being protected.

You are a sad state of affairs… by your own choosing. You betrayed me. At the very least… I am disappointed in the person you have chosen to become.

I deserve better. And I have all the faith in this universe… to believe Raguel and all the other Archangels will bring to me the real man I truly deserve to experience love with.

Meanwhile… I am enough. I am content in my own love.

Where I lack faith… is in you. You betrayed my belief in you. You betrayed my faith in you. You betrayed my loyalty. You betrayed my heart. You betrayed my love for you. You betrayed my kindness. You betrayed my gentleness. You betrayed everything I am.

All because I loved you.

From my two dancing partners, now two of my Angels watching over me.
I love you Skip and Daddy.

Now… I can breathe.

Always Thankful and Grateful!

Today is Thanksgiving Day in America. The holiday tends to have a quirky nonsense to me anymore. For one thing… the Commercialism of the holiday has become shamefully insane.

I’m grateful for the years in my childhood when I was able to actually enjoy watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. It’s not worth bothering with the few minutes buried under all the television commercials anymore. Sad. Disgusting. Really disgusting.

But importantly… Every day is a day of Thanksgiving in my life. I never let a day pass without giving thanks and expressing my gratitude. So many reasons to feel so thankful and grateful. Feelings that should never be ignored.

But out of respect for the holiday… I have put a few little ‘extras’ into the dinner I’m preparing. My first Thanksgiving after Divorce! Ha!

Cornish Game Hens… rather than Turkey. Common any day of the week in my kitchen. But to honor the main Character on the table for the holiday… I scheduled specifically.

I even prefer these over chicken. They add so much more flavor to Chicken Salad! (Ha! Beaten out by the little girl!)

My apologies to all you chicken farmers… but it’s true! You’ve dumbed down the flavor. See if you can fix it. ORGANICALLY… please. Then… we can talk! Lol

I made my bread dressing! This year… I get to make it… my way. Oooooooooooooh!

Fresh Spinach… steamed in butter!

You don’t bring that canned, or, Cool Whip crap in MY house!! Carlie approved! A huge dollop from one of those beaters hit the floor! LOL

I’m making Pumpkin Custard dessert… instead of Pumpkin Pie. Again… making it… my way. AND… I get to put roasted pecans over the whipped cream. LOL

Homemade Cranberry Sauce. And this year… I got to follow the recipe. Because TERESA likes the squeezed orange juice AND the cinnamon! Lol

Candied Yams! Yessss! My sauce… my way! Doubling up on the Marshmallows!

They’re in there. Under all that butter!

I can hardly wait!

Wine. My favorite Go-To for casual. Barefoot’s Pinot Grigio! It’s a Girl Thing… made by Girls!

Of course… my guest won’t be having wine.

She’ll be having Apple Juice!

Cornish Game Hen(s). Did you catch that earlier?

One for me… One for Miss Carlie! Completely de-boned… of course! But she gets all the other dishes right along with the main entrée!

Yes. I’m having Thanksgiving Dinner with my Basset Hound! She lives here. She’s family. She’s here. She’s included!

I’m thankful for her presence. I’m grateful to her. Over these past few months… there have been times of being lost in tears when Carlie has been here for me.

It’s like… she knows. She’ll come out of her crate in the bedroom and just… show up. Lays her head on my knee.

So yeah. I’m having Thanksgiving Dinner! And I have family here! And I can feel the presence of my Daddy and all the others over on the other side as well. Oh, the memories of all those Thanksgiving Holidays at Grandma and Grandpa Casteel’s little bitty house!

Anyway… we two girls… are going to flat-dab… pig out!!

And we should always take time out of our busy days… every day… to sit and take inventory of those particular blessings that fill our hearts with the love that gives us happiness.

Life is just way too short. We should never settle for less… or compromise whatever… or whomever… gives us that feeling as if our heart is just bubbling over with happiness.

Each of us is one soul that is responsible for ourselves. We are the ones who get to decide what makes ourselves happy. Just as I have learned… I am the only author of my story.

And we fall against the grain when we allow others to take that power from us. We cheat ourselves out of so many more blessings intended for us in this one short life on earth we’ve been granted.

Be thankful. Be grateful. None of us is ever alone. And Family isn’t defined within a box.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

From Now On… I Receive. And Then I Give.

For the majority of my life… until recently, anyway… I was one of those people that would take a boat load of crap before I’d get my gut full enough to be done. Slam doors and lock them shut.

It’s been quite an experience for me. But people that have known me… know one important thing about me.

When Teresa is done… She’s DONE.

But now… my gut gets full much sooner. Those doors slam shut and get locked within the blink of an eye.

My intuition is so… On Guard.

I know my scales of balance may have shifted from one extreme to the other since this divorce. I’ve spent enough time on all those could haves… should haves… why didn’t I see all this back then… and all that other hindsight.

I don’t do married men. And I don’t share.

He KNEW this. That fact was made clear before we ever had our second conversation. Well before I moved to Tennessee.

And still… He lied to me from the very beginning. Nobody should find out from a man’s 16-year-old daughter that his divorce is not final.

That burning question in my mind. Why didn’t I go ahead and pack 2 suitcases… leave all our belongings there… and fly Jen and me back to California.

All the way back in October, 2001. That may haunt me for the rest of my life.

But that was who I was. Fair. Willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Trusting he was in it for all the right reasons… like me.

My perception and my willingness to keep forgiving and moving forward. All the realization bubbling to the surface has really tilted to the far opposite side of the spectrum. Now… I will never forgive anyone doing me wrong… until they earn it. And I will bolt… as soon as I see any of it.

There was a time when I really enjoyed playing an online game… Clash of Kings. I began playing in the beginning… back when it really was fun. The goal of getting up to Castle level 30 and the fun of designing strategy for winning Battle of The Throne. You could… actually… design strategies.

Watching The Prince in 007 take The Throne. Foxxy!! Oh, my God… was she nuts! Leonidas… he was the one that took me into my first Alliance. And then there was Alan! Macho Blue Collar Worker (my favorite kind!) from Ohio. Adored him!! My Warrior! My Knight!! “Sic ‘em!” LOL

And then they jacked up the whole game with this crap called Kingdom versus Kingdom. And it all went to Hell from there. It became even worse… with the onset of Kingdom Transfers.

Now it’s all about spending money if you want to win. I’m talking hundreds and thousands of dollars that go into castles.

It’s become really stupid.

Really great players have left the game.

I ended up having to quit playing the game in 2012… once we began raising cattle. Funny thing about that. Dwayne has NEVER had to quit playing that game.

Let THAT soak in. Don’t be like me! LOL

I began to miss playing the game. Went back in… November, 2017. Things were different. Some of the old players were still there. But many had left the game.

I went snooping around the kingdom… looking for familiar castles. Alan had gone into 007 with the Prince before I left the game. He had more than one castle by then.

So… when I came across a castle that had Alan75 on it… I fished a message.

Two days later… a response comes… in Italian.

I never should have gone back to playing the game. Another one of those pockets of time spent going through those could haves… should haves… would haves… if only… and all that crap.

Soured again.

I just don’t put up with being taken for granted… lied to… deceived… or abused… anymore. Period. I don’t deserve it. I know who I am.

I reached that hairline moment… about a week or so ago. Teresa was done.

I quit playing Clash of Kings. I found myself struggling to stay there only for loyalty to the kingdom and the Alliance I was in. And the struggle was rough enough that it only took one person barking about something that was so friggin’ petty.

But… whatever. She wasn’t the reason why I left the game.

One heartbreaking truth I am struggling with right now is… I feel like I’m being pushed into no longer being ‘The Giver’. I’ve been soured by being hurt too much.

Right now… it’s like… filling sinkholes with solid concrete. That’s what I do to my heart… every time I get hurt.

And since God already knows… I hate the way it feels.

God never put anyone on this planet with a pure and kind heart… having intentions of ANY of us becoming dark… nasty… mean… vile… malicious Liars… and Players.

Take the Pun. They both fit that scenario.

I mean… I am becoming older and wiser. But that is far from the reason behind a gift being kept from the world. The fact is… I’m learning not to be a Giver.

And it hurts. I should not have to do such a thing.

But it is what it is.

I’m having to turn the tables on this world.

I’m no Willy Wonka. And I have no Chocolate for Takers who take… take… take… and give nothing in return.

From now on… I receive. And then I’ll give.

I’m always preaching about kindness. Maybe it’s because I’ve had more than my share of too many Takers.

If you’ve made it this far with reading this post… and you haven’t gotten right with somebody about a wrong you’ve done to them…

If you have not already… You WILL lose them. It’s only a matter of time.

And they get to choose when. You might think they’ll always be there. But they won’t.

Sooner or later… they always get their gut full. And if you fear that… you better wake up and bring yourself correct. Seek the help. Ask the questions.

When I think about the whole situation for me… I guess I should consider all the lessons I would have missed out on learning… had it not been for the unconscionable cowards that only bring red flags to the table.

Thank them? Feel grateful toward them?

Hell no. I feel sorry for them.

I’m thanking God and the Universe. I’m grateful to Spirit… all my angels… Spirit Guides and Light Workers.

THEY are here. THEY are guiding me out of this hurt and pain.

At the very least… I KNOW I can trust them… and count on them.

Just a reminder… this Blog is a huge part of my healing in my journey to reclaim myself and find all I need for standing in my own truth. I have the right to live my truth… and not have it affected by anyone else.

More Progress and Transformation coming. I’m working on it.

Yep… “Mama ALWAYS Wins!”

Living alone produces its challenges. But I refuse to concede.

My latest challenge has been making space.

The question was, “Doors… or… more shelf space?”

The answer was obvious. Screw aesthetics. I’ll deal with that later.

But… look at how much I can store now!

You’re looking at four 23″ x 20″ additional shelves.

All I need to do is trim them out with some laminate stripping.

And guess what.

I get to do the same thing on the other side… after I go pick up more shelf pins… of course. Always some little something.

This entire problem was resolved with only one sheet of ¾” melamine board!

I had two Heroes… Skylar and Malakay at Home Depot #0743. They did a great job helping me out.

I would have gone to Lowe’s… of course… had it not been for an employee not being trained properly. He burned up their saw by cutting composite sheets.

Both of these two Home Improvement chains really suck at thorough training… and staffing… all across the country.

I can speak from personal experience. And believe me… I am not alone with that opinion!

But you do what you have to do…. Until you buy your own woodshop tools.

Look at the leftovers!

Not only do I have shelves for the other side of the unit.

I now have four 2’ x 9” shelves.

And two 20” x 4.5” shelves!

I only need wall brackets.

I’ll hunt for some cute ones when I go for the shelf pins.

But not today.

I have 2 bookcases to finish putting together… now that I have that teenie tiny wooden dowel that held me up.

Releasing The Fixer

I’m being shown the necessity for me to learn more in releasing my obsession with wanting to be The Fixer for those I love.

I’ve found the whole process has been so much easier for me to gain a stable hand with loving understanding… when it comes to my children.

I think that ease may come from knowing they’re younger and assuming they have much more time in their lives to gain their own wisdom in the journey.

However… there comes a bittersweet acknowledgement of knowing… that assumption is such a high risk. The unexpected death of a child gone way too soon is something that will always tear down that dam and bring on those mournful tears that soak my T-shirts.

And that is where… almost sitting parallel on my table of thoughts… I find how I still need more time to hone my release of being The Fixer for whomever I have chosen to commit my heart as a life partner.

To love… truly and deeply… is to only want a vision of never seeing them in pain. That goes for anyone I love… my children… friends… family. The YOU I carry in my heart.

Somehow… a need is so strong for wanting that power to look them square into their eyes… and remove all that pain for them.

If only it were so easy… to gaze deeply into their eyes and set their world so perfectly as they wish. Send one tiny star to ignite all the happiness. Another to bring on the laughter and joy. One more to fill their entire being with my endless love that belongs to only them.

There is a reason why we call our time on this planet a journey. Each of us has to seek and find at our own pace. That’s how we learn how to completely absorb each and every facet to all the lessons in front of us for gaining fulfillment we all deserve in our lives.

To be The Fixer… is to cheat the other person.

Just for example…

Hand a kid $100.00 for no reason every week… no words exchanged. That is your intention… anyway. In time… let’s say 6 months… they would become capable of conning you into fronting them the $100.00 intended for the next 3 weeks to come… within only 2 weeks.

Am I lying? I mean… seriously.

Come the 3^rd day of the first week of the next month… they’re back again for another advance. What behavior do you think is going to show up… when you choose not to be The Fixer… and say, ‘no’?

They throw fits. They ‘hate your guts’! They can’t find enough vulgar pronouns to spit at you. They start spewing lies about you to others… fishing for a sucker… if you really want to get honest here!

Kids are smart… and stupid!

Eventually… once you’ve chosen not to be the obstacle in their way of their journey to learning all the lessons from that scenario… they get to choose how much asphalt they like eating… before they finally learn the lessons.

One way… or another… the lesson is there waiting for each of us. And one way… or another… we will learn the lesson. Because ‘God Always Gets The Last Word.’

And… “Daddy ALWAYS wins!”

Helloooo!!

As for not being The Fixer for the one my heart belongs to… I have to learn to stand back. Let them get there at their own pace. To get in the way with even good intentions… only brings confusion… frustration… anger… one huge boulder in their path.

That only extends the amount of time they have to endure before their gifts are seen through the light at the end of the tunnel.

I want him to see me standing at the end of that tunnel. I want him to discover… that strong thread of love I’ve been sending from my heart to his all this time… leads right to everything he’s been running from… searching to find.

Finally… we’ll be on the same page in life.

Only then… can 2 equally-minded souls iron out the plans… and the kinks… taking steps forward only when both are ready.

Only then… will both of us be able to feel… all that awesome stuff that shows up when everything is rolling on the same path.

My only personal wish at that point is… I hope it happens on a Harley!

Because… This Girl will never bend outside of Harley’s and Chevy’s!!

Period. End of that conversation!

Yeah… I know. I’m driving a Kia Soul. I wasn’t allowed to choose in 2015.

Drop it! Go have a great weekend!

** The card I drew after putting this post in place… #25 “Round and Round“… from Colette Baron Reid’s Wisdom of the Oracle Deck.

You can read it’s meaning by clicking here.

My Saturday was Full

This past weekend for me… was about shaking off all the cobwebs from last weekend. Transformations can be such a draining force on the mind, heart and energy.

I made it through the week choosing strength from spite. “Screw it. I’ll go within and only think of myself.” It was the compromise to get me past pain… disappointment… anger.

I am the kind of person that does not like being angry. I believe in fighting. But… I believe only in fighting for the highest good of everything that is right and fair. Equal. I don’t believe in fighting for only me.

I took off early Saturday morning and headed to my stompin’ grounds. I needed to go to the river. Desperately.

Cades Cove Loop doesn’t open until 10am for vehicles on Saturdays. The early morning hours are for biking through the loop.

That was my excuse for stopping at McDonalds in Maryville… killing one of those Sausage Egg McMuffins breakfast meals with Hashbrowns and Orange Juice. I brought my own coffee from the house… Freshly ground Starbucks Veranda blend… with a touch of whole milk.

The goal for the day… Any damned thing I wanted!

Whatever I wanted to do. Wherever I wanted to go. Whatever I wanted to buy. Whatever I wanted to eat.

“As above… so below!”

I bought another mug. I love it. I found out how much I love it when I got back home. I now have 2 of the same… again! LOL

I could tell from the trees… this year’s color will be late. And we will have a very… very lacy show of color. The rain was not kind enough to visit as much as we needed. The river…wow. So many places on the river where I could step stones and cross over to the other side.

But that also means… the Bears will be crossing over in higher numbers.

WHICH REMINDS ME…

YES. That WAS Me… yelling at the morons that parked their cars in the middle of both sides of the road… about a half-mile from the Ranger’s Station and Campground at Cades Cove… to take a picture of a bear.

One Idiot standing less than 15 feet… from the tree where the bear began climbing down.

That was a very small bear cub… too small to be alone. Mama Bear WAS in the vicinity. This was a very bad scene.

People… we have all kinds of trees and flowers in the park, too. But you won’t see anyone parking their vehicles in the middle of the road and holding up HUNDREDS of other vehicles for a half-hour plus… just so they can take a picture.

Why not? BECAUSE IT’S AGAINST THE DAMNED LAW!!

We have triple the number of hikers in the park right now. The weather is cooler… more tolerable.

We have double the visitors… coming to see the fall color.

At any given moment… one of them could have an accident. A hiker could slip and fall off a cliff.

AND YOU COULD BE THE REASON WHY THEY DIE… because Rangers and Emergency Rescue can’t get to them… all because you might piss your pants if you don’t get that picture of a bear.

There IS more than one bear in the park.

IT IS ILLEGAL to STOP your vehicle ANYWHERE ON THE ROADS in the park… including Cades Cove Loop.

There are designated areas for pulling off the road and parking. FIND THEM. Get your lazy butt out of your vehicle and do a little bit of walking.

I am a member of Friends of The Smokies. I visit this park all the time. Phones get no signal. However… Car Horns do echo.

And as I did on Saturday… I will lay on my horn and begin another friggin’ concert… just like the one that kicked off behind me from lots of other cars. The Rangers heard the horns.

Next time… I will take pictures of your car tags… and take them to the Ranger’s Station.

Before you call me Stupid… remember who chose to park their car in the road.

The traffic bothered me. Even heavier than the normal chaos for this time of year. I wondered what was going on. I found out… as soon as I made that right-hand turn onto Old Mill Avenue in Pigeon Forge.

I forgot about the Arts and Crafts Fair being hosted back behind The Old Mill. Got lucky finding one of only 2 parking spots left at a $5 parking lot across from The Old Mill Stores. Absolute insanity. I decided to hit all the stores first… before going over to The Old Mill Resturaunt for a late lunch.

Yeah…. That never happened. I hit all the stores. But that late lunch turned into an early dinner in Townsend… at Smokin’ Joe’s Bar-b-Que! When all else fails… that is THE GO-TO!

I had already made the drive through Wears Valley… had my dinner… and asked for my Doggy Box… within the same time I would have just been seated at The Old Mill Resturaunt! Never… have I ever… seen the wait that bad. First time I’ve ever walked away and opted out.

Last time I ever plan on eating in Pigeon Forge on a weekend.

But my wish for fun in Pigeon Forge was not all in vain! I came home with bags of Chocolates and Taffy! I picked up my Bread Flour from The Old Mill General Store (right where they mill the grains!)… And a jar of locally made Pecan Creamed Honey.

I was wiped out by the time I got back home. But it was all a much needed break away from the dearest things inside my heart that hurt me right now.

Ya’ know… Just a reminder… We have enough craziness going on in this world.

Choose to be kind and considerate of others. Don’t be that person that stops an ambulance from getting to an accident.

Think of others… before choosing to think only about yourself.

Dirty Laundry

It’s raining this morning. I can barely hear it hitting the house. And the goosebumps are driving me nuts!!

Oh, my gosh… I will NEVER live in another house with a tin roof! I have fallen back in love with composition shingle roofs.

Even Carlie notices. She didn’t quite know what to think when I opened the front door to let her outside. Been a while since we’ve had any rain here.

Thank God… no more need to dish out the yogurt to her… laced with CBD drops!

Rough weekend for me. I’m grateful for its passing.

Emotions everywhere. Crossroads. Do I let go? Do I not? Sobbing… soaking my T-shirts. Anger… frustration… hurt… pain… fear. The Full Monte.

But when the end of Sunday approached…

I watched WaterBaby Tarot’s Libra reading for Oct. 12^th – 21^st… before my routine of writing down things I’m grateful for… just before I go to bed.

BEST way this weekend could ever have closed out!

Thank you so much, Lady!

The reading reminded me of something I figured out such a long time ago.

Many people ridicule my raw openness and honesty. “Such an idiot… throwing all your dirty laundry out there to the world!”

Yeah, right. Truth is… you only THINK that’s ALL my dirty laundry! ROTFLMAO!

Uh-huh. You know what they say about people in glass houses… right?!?

Anyway… she reminded me of how I came to my conclusion behind my choice of being so open and honest. Not only with myself… but also with the world.

The secret… Okay. Alright. So there can’t be a secret in this. Anyway… The bright light bulb (is that better?) sits behind my personal relationship with God. This is a strong subject in my life.

And the Queen of Swords comes out to defend on this one… very solidly. I live to protect my relationship with God.

God knows me better than anyone else on this planet. And at the end of the day… He will be the one I answer to when I leave this life on this planet.

Nobody else.

He already knows the path I’m headed down. He’s already decided when my time will come for the end of my journey.

He already knows what’s inside my head and heart… before anything comes out of my mouth.

He knows all my feelings. (Think twice, now… there is a difference from the sentence above.)

He knows I’m not perfect… I’m human. And THAT makes me perfect in His eyes. He knows I have faults. He knows I make mistakes.

He knows my struggles inside my mind and heart.

Since God already knows all this… who cares about everybody else in this world throwing stink bombs… caused by their own choices of not diving deep to see all the convoluted conditioning shoved into minds for money?

The fact that they haven’t taken the time to figure it all out… that’s their problem. Not mine.

Again… follow the money. Those damn money mongers.

So… why hide anything?

You can’t hide from God, Silly!

Why fight and deny all the struggle on the inside?

It takes more energy keeping all that crap caged up in a heart and mind. My cartoon imagination gives me this view of God… sitting in a lawn chair… watching someone tangle with all this crap inside. Trying to fight it all… run from it… hide… deny… fear.

And God just sits there… watching. One leg crossed over the other. Foot bouncing up and down. Shaking his head gently… side to side. Grinning.

When those truths and feelings are all about positivity that can bring happiness… no barking negativity from anyone else on this planet matters… when you have The Number One King on your side.

Learning this… practicing this… brings so much light into my world.

Yes. Crap will always come around. This is not about building some cannon to rid the world of evil. It’s about finding the truth you can depend on… for where that safe place exists… where you are more than welcomed to become your own true self.

I remember growing up… LOL… have you ever been around somebody that looked you in the eye and said… “You’re not God!”

Ha! Guess what… That would be me.

And… if anybody is choosing to remain snarling at me for… ‘throwing my dirty laundry out there’… why are you so afraid to learn something from my experiences that just may free up your own world?

I do this out of kindness and love.

What’s wrong with giving kindness and love?

Who’s really the confused soul here?

Just sayin’.

My world is free. God knows when I love someone. God knows when I’m feeling hurt… angry… frustrated… confused. There’s no reason for me to hide anything.

Confusion… is my worst challenge. I’m a Libra. Balance. Truth. Honesty. I live with the goal and wish to do only the right things in life… according to what God intends for my journey.

My goals… come easy. My wishes… can be a challenge. And for me… God knows I will go to fellow Light Workers and my own cards to find His messages for me.

I will dig deep… deeper… as deep as need be… until He gives me that feeling in my gut and the peace in my whole being.

He knows me. He knows I strive to do and be the best of all good… for my highest good… and the highest good of all.

I have no qualms about loving someone. When that person is a good soul… worthy of love… why not?

My purpose in life includes sharing in this blog. Somewhere out there… a soul on this planet needs the support and encouragement. They’re seeking the same truth.

This world is upheaving all the evil that’s been brewing underground… this very moment. God is taking the reins! He’s getting the last word! And it’s going to be nothing less than good!

God bless Greta Thunberg!

There is hope. This is kindness.

We all need a hand-up with understanding… and acknowledging… the reality of all that’s going on in this world right now.

How about offering some reciprocity… by spreading some kindness of your own!

Rising from Ashes

Being granted in my divorce… the right to use my birth name.

This was a tick on a box for the Judge. For me… it was like this huge… thick wooden castle door that had been secured with one of those heavy… rusted… box locks that only one skeleton key could open.

That Judge had the key that opened that old lock. He did that… for me.

This was the gift of having my identity returned to me.

When I mention the word ‘Identity’… I’m not speaking only about a name.

I spent my childhood growing up looking in mirrors… trying to figure out who I was.

I didn’t look like anyone in the family. They all got sunburns. I got suntans. They all had freckles. I didn’t. So… who did I look like?

And through those years… I dealt with frequent blows of emotional abuse that really destroyed me from the inside.

The worst part about that is this.

Each and every day I stood in front of that mirror… getting ready for the day… I gave time to trying to figure out who I looked like… and who… I… was.

And every moment of mental and emotional abuse that came along… ended up being embedded into that vision… that was being drawn in that mirror… every single day.

I wasn’t even allowed to use my name. I’d never seen my birth father. I was 9-years-old when I first found out about him.

My Dad insisted on being the one to give me the story… even though he’d never even met the guy.

And God help me… if I dared to just whisper a question… to even that 14-year-old girl that gave birth to me.

Nobody… in my corner.

Once again… one more reason why she never should have been allowed to bring me home from the hospital.

She was just a kid. She had no sense about her. She had no clue about standing up for a child… defending a child.

She ended up out in the world… having to defend her own self… as a child. And nobody ever bothered to instill any good… positive values into her psyche.

The Domino Effect was real. And in my case… completely destructive.

I’ve worked so hard… over the past 5 years… trying to go find Teresa… and reclaim her. And stop the cycle.

Years of damage can’t be fixed in a couple years. Open wounds show up for others… as well as myself.

I can only say this. I’m aware that it’s my responsibility to heal myself. Anyone else has free will to choose… whether or not… they want to heal themselves.

It all comes down to how much you truly care about yourself. How much self-respect means to you. How badly you want the pain to go away.

And sometimes… the work load required for achieving that… requires total separation from all things that awaken all the pain. A human can only handle so much.

I’m being a mother to myself. Because I never had one.

And on a side note… THIS is something all you so-called Pro-Lifers need to consider.

Because you’re really no Pro-Lifer.

You disappear after the births.

As I just said… NOBODY in my corner.

I had my aunt and uncle as an infant… until my Dad came along when I was only 16-months-old. Why? Because of the laws… of course. They couldn’t be there as much as they wanted. But they were there for me as much as they could be.

And they were just a young newly married couple, themselves.

So get off your Unicorns and get real. Either get all the way in. Or… get out!!

Because I’m living proof of the leftovers from the devastation.

Chew on that… while I get back on topic.

I’m protecting and defending my Identity… giving it a safe place to heal… and finally… gain a chance to develop… grow… mature.

In a world obsessed with labels… I choose my surname for that umbrella I’m standing under.

What am I?

I’m becoming.

And I now have that shell needed for encasing all that I am.

Teresa Marie Tavares.