Category: Uncategorized

Ying and Yang – Balance – The Battle

Ever experience having a friend or acquaintance you see almost daily… where you notice they change their mind about things really often… sometimes overnight?

You see a pattern in their thinking.  One day they feel this way.  Tomorrow they feel that way.  It’s like they cannot make up their mind.

It can be exhausting for those on the outside seeing this person going through this… thing.

And they do it with almost every choice in their life.

They look crazy… to some people.

Always in their head.  Right?

I’m one of those people.

I’ve known this for a very… very long time.  It has always bothered me.

Why do I do such things?

This is something that can obstruct relationships in life.

You can lose friends.  Family even negates you out of their equation.

You’re just accepted as being crazy.

And so for me… I separate myself from the whole population.

This is the longest period of time I have done such.

And I continue needing more time.

I’ve needed peace.

I’ve needed answers.

I’ve needed to understand why this goes on inside me.

I’ve needed to understand what others see on the outside of me.

I’ve needed to understand how… and why… I allow others to manipulate and abuse me through this thing I feel has been a weakness.

Some people in my life… may not have even been aware they were even doing so.

Nothing I can do about that.

It is for them to acknowledge with their own awareness.

My job has been to sort out my own self.

I can only speak for myself.

I can only depict the understanding I find… once it settles within my whole being.

Telling me I have found the correct answer… for myself.

Those daily swings of feeling this way one day… that way the next.  That’s not crazy.

That’s me working my ass off… inside my mind and heart.  Searching… fervently.

Imagine a plane dropping a piece of paper from 500 feet in the air.

Envision the paper making its way to the ground.

See how it swirls.  Sways.  Slowly descending.  Until it reaches the ground.  Where it rests in peace.

And then the garbage man picks it up and throws it into the back of the garbage truck!!

Hahaha!

Okay.  Maybe that would be the piece of paper.  Not me!

No.  Reaching the ground for me would be my mind being given time to feel each possible resolution… to find the one that settles most peacefully inside me.

So many things in our lives function by requiring our thoughts… opinions… decisions… on so many different levels.

And I would bet most of us tangle most inside ourselves… when it comes to love.

Love on so many levels.

Family.  Friends.  Personal Goals.

That one we all seek.  To walk alongside… through this life.

Who fits?

Why do they seem to fit?

What about them makes us feel good?

What about them yanks our last nerve?

I mean… balance requires both… good and bad.  And most of all… honesty with ourselves.

I search all the time.  I go back in the past only to seek where I went wrong.

It bothers me.

Without correcting my mistakes… I cannot move forward in a much more pleasant and peaceful frame of mind and heart.

I only wish to bring the best of myself to the table.

I must search my mind and heart with questions for myself.

I must be willing to answer honestly… without fear.

I must be willing to acknowledge my own growth evolves from all this hard work.

And with that said… there may be changes within me that another may not be willing to respect… and/or accept.

I must hone my strength to accept their choice with respect.

Move on… knowing there is someone in this world that is able and willing.

But with that said… can my mind and heart swing back to a longtime truth I have been struggling with?

Love for a soul whose eyes I have never seen.  This has been a battle for me.

Heartache.  Heartbreak.  Back and forth.  In and out.  Present.  Absent.

The absence is the worst.  It has been the latest.  And the longest.

None of the pain settles inside me.  It’s not what I seek.  I run.

I fight to let go.  I fight to feel nothing.

To feel even anger… is to feel something.  And that keeps that cord to that connection secure.

I fight until all I can do is cry.

When there’s no fight left inside me… all I can do is surrender myself… giving in and taking that time to cry it all out.

I get one single day of feeling clear.

The next day… it’s like God steps in and says… “Nope.  I will win.”

Aaaaaaaand…. I’m swinging back to the other end of the spectrum.

This love for this soul with eyes I’ve never seen… simply refuses to go away and leave me alone.

Why?

I’m able to carry on with my own life… work on my goals.  And I’m able to roll with the flow… easily.

I go about my days now… taking care of everything in my life with absolutely no desire to respond to any man approaching me… which is something totally out of character for me now.

Except one.

This is the one answer that has me struggling to find an understanding.

No matter what I do in my life… he is still there.  He still owns my heart.

Why?

What is The Divine concocting?

 

Cutting The Cord

“Who is this man he is angry with?”

He is angry with himself.  As he should be.

Why is he angry with himself?

That is for him to openly admit… to himself… and to all of us… whenever he decides.

No longer any of my concern.

I have cried him out.

I’m left with no other choice.

I move on to finish the rest of this lifetime without him.

Please let it go quickly.

For we are all cowards… one way or another.

 

**Artist – Anne Stokes

Taking My Sword To The Fog

A situation has risen its ugly head in my life once again.  And right now… I am existing in this very unfamiliar… fog.

That’s how I have been best able to describe what I see inside me.  See how I feel inside.

I’m not one to sit and let it fester.  I know I have the strength to find the core of the issue… before I heal it.

But this… has traveled through a massive amount of scar tissue from hurt and pain experienced throughout my entire life… all the way down to clean flesh.

After all the hard work I have survived and accomplished.  After all the exploration to find the cores to all the hurts.  After all the nursing to heal all that infected pain.

After all the time taken to use the right tools to correct and heal my heart… mind… and soul.

Just when I was… finally… becoming able to accept a reality of hidden truths about someone I never really knew at all.

Here comes… yet… another attempt to show me who they really are.

As if I haven’t seen more than enough… already.

But remember… I said this blow has me in an unfamiliar fog.

I’m still standing.

I’ve always known how to prepare for tornadoes… since my childhood.  Now I really know why.

Because THIS TIME… just like knowing when to send the family to the bathtub to get under the bed mattress… or… head down to the basement of the house…

I sent everything I have learned… and all the truth and wisdom about myself I have gained… to a safe room in my mind… for protection.

Therefore… all is well in my life… while the rest of me walks toward the fight… to battle the core of this unexpected issue.

I will overcome.  I am protected.  I have God on my side.  I have all the Angels right beside me.

And I have a whole family of Casteels… Bullards… and only God knows who else over there now on the other side… that will make damn sure… I will be perfectly okay.

My Daddy had a lot of friends.   And they always watched over me when they were among us.

They’ve done it before.  They’ll do it again.

But this time… they just may override my sense of fairness.  And there is nothing I can do about that from over here.

I am the wrong person to bestow selfish… undeserved cruelty upon.

I am everything good… through my mind… my heart… and my soul.

I can be your best friend.  Or, your worst enemy.  You get to choose.

And when you choose either… I get to choose how to respond.

But there are times… when I never need to bother myself with responding.

And THAT’S when the one dishing any ill will toward me… should worry most.

Evil never learns the reality and true purpose in the journey of life.

That’s why evil never wins.

I will be standing… in my truth and wisdom… as my true authentic self… at the end of this battle.

 

Empires and True Love

Imagine this.  Close your eyes and envision this incredible materialistic empire you have created.

One night… the police come knocking on your door at 3:30am… waking you up.  Asking you to come with them.

They take you to your empire… where it is burning to the ground.

By daylight… everything you have built… that materialistic dream of yours… sits in ashes… completely destroyed by fire.

What would you do?

“I will rebuild it, again.”

Yes?

One can always rebuild a materialistic empire.

And you can delegate its care and survival.

But you see… this is impossible with humans… relationships… love.

Humans, relationships… and especially love… are like the most beautiful garden on earth.

You find all those treasures that provide beauty and the scents of every kind of perfume and cologne ever brought before our senses.

Each of us is blessed with our own mass of humans that come and go in our lives.

And our deepest of blessings is granted… when that single precious human comes to stand before all others.

Gives of them-self… from the deepest places in their heart… with every ounce of their being… to no one else.

Only YOU.

The greatest secret to any garden is to discover that there is always one plant that may flower for a few days out of every year.

But its true beauty reigns in its inner existence… which brings out the beauty of its whole being for the rest of the year.

You cannot delegate the care and survival of that garden.

It requires your personal attention.

Constant nourishment can only be received from you.

For that effort… you are blessed with your own nourishment… coming to you 10-fold in return.

And only the truest essence is capable of giving such.

The beauty only becomes better as time moves along… blessed with your personal care.

As in any garden… weeds will appear.  They will crowd your vision of all the beauty.

Unless there comes an end to their ill intentions of stopping you from seeing the one that came to stand before you in front of all the others.

Other flowers may put on a glorious show… mesmerizing the whole world with such outer beauty.

Only to poison anyone touching anything exposed from its inside.

Outside beauty can be evil.

Not that everything beautiful on the outside can be evil on the inside.  But that is the fertile ground where it hides.

From this experience you learn to decipher between a weed… a poisonous flower… and the truest of the beauty in the garden.

When a beautiful plant shows up in your garden… like some surprise… and it refuses to die because it lives for you…

It returns your care… attention and nourishment by touching your heart with its beauty on the inside…

What do you do?

Have you found your truest beauty?

Where are they now?

How well have you tended to your garden?

A Happy Home Takes Small Steps

 

At least I’m knocking out boxes!

Moving into this house had me so excited!  And here I go again… losing track of time and placing high expectations on myself.

Something inside tells me the entire house should already be arranged… everything in its place.

Something else struggles with not knowing where to put so many things.

And then the brain grabs both by the neck and says… “Shut up.  You only moved in here 10 days ago!”

I’ve had friends tell me they’ve moved into places and still had boxes left to be unpacked six months to a year after moving in.

That would drive me nuts!  Imagine… looking for that favorite ink pen.

Still can’t see that fireplace! LOL

I can’t believe I’m actually beginning to feel so intimidated by all this space under the roof where I now reside.

What’s even scary is the fact that it has me thinking back to our house on Kingston Drive in Texas City when I was a small girl… a LOT.

And that house was smaller.  Maybe it’s because I was so small back then.

Maybe it’s the double car garage.  Maybe it’s the huge backyard.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m now living in a neighborhood with homes right next to each other.

It’s funny how all those feelings of security go away when you depart from such surroundings for so many years.

I step out into the garage and my first thought is… “Where am I going to put all this stuff?”

But… there are shelves and cabinets… EVERYWHERE.

Maybe it’s because I have kept everything in totes for so many years?

Okay.  So… “Where am I going to put all those totes?”

Right.  I know.  Shaking my own damn head.

I keep forgetting… I need to get 3 of those little step stools.  You know… the kind for little kids.

One for the kitchen.

The other two for the two toilets.  I can’t reach the floor!!!

But there IS a blessing to both of them… which I did manifest by the way.

You can stick your head in both toilets… scream as loud as you want without pissing off the neighbors!

No I haven’t tried it!  YOU try it!

I just know.  They’re so quiet!

The wish was actually manifested for the home I’m buying in the future.

But what the heck.  I’d be out of my mind… to complain about the gift of quiet toilets coming into my life twice!

One thing I am enjoying immensely!  That thermostat is turned down to 68* Fahrenheit… and I feel so cozy!!

Well… I’ll get there. But I refuse to buy any furniture until I get all the other stuff situated!

Okay.  So this will be the last photo of the Dining Room… for a while.

I keep taking photos every few days.  It helps me see the progress.

No.  I don’t feel it.

Well… I feel all the bruises from my neck down… caused by all the cardboard boxes.

I feel all the stiffness and soreness… beginning to go away.

But I won’t… feel… all the progress… until everything’s in its place.

Just me being… me.

I know.  I know.  Shaking my own damn head.

When The Universe Answers Prayers

 

When you put your faith in The Divine… and you follow your intuition… the highest good of all will always come forward.

And your blessings arrive.

I have lived in 788 square feet since last August.  Do not misunderstand me.  I feel forever grateful toward The Divine, my Angels and all my Spirit Guides for covering my back door and protecting me.  This was a blessing that was gifted to me at a time when I really… really needed it.

A 1940’s house… with a bathroom that looked like it was an after-thought.  Who knows?  This IS East Tennessee.

I mean… they still have houses in parts around here without electricity.  Mountain People abound.  Good people!  Just simple living… within their means.  You can trust them more than Bankers.

And technology may have us all feeling like the 1940’s was another era.  But in truth… it really was not that long ago.

I manifested every bit of this.  And here it is… almost to a perfect letter.

The home I hoped for… with the space I needed.  A fenced backyard for Carlie.  Fireplace.  Double car garage.  Garage Door Opener.  Laundry room off the kitchen.  A nice… quiet… shingled roof!

No more metal roofs!  Same as saying, “No more wire hangers!”  (Remember which movie?)

And there’s a Doorbell!!  I haven’t had a doorbell in years!

In Farragut… right behind Turkey Creek… smack in the middle of where I need to be for moving forward with my goals!!  Just around the corner from Costco!  My Putt Putt’s gas tank and I won’t be having so many of those bitter conversations any longer.

But I have been running my butt off ever since I got the approval last week!

I’m halfway there.  No more reason to drive to Athens anymore.  Thank God!

My new abode is a complete wreck at the moment.  And it just may be for several weeks.  Okay… so I’m putting cushion into the schedule.  But either way… I am knocking out boxes, one by one.

I just know I will find that Netgear Router… eventually.

Yeah.  I know.  Should have seen me when I couldn’t find my coffee beans.  Found the pot.  Found my coffee cups.  Even found the grinder!

But I came really close to getting in the car and going after another bag of beans from Costco.  Starbucks was in the opposite direction.

I filled the dishwasher this evening.  Could NOT figure out how to turn the booger on!  So my fix… wrote down the model number and went to the Internet.  Found the instruction manual at the manufacturer’s website and printed that puppy out!

Printed out 52 friggin’ pages.  Got two-thirds of the way through printing before I realized half of it was the Spanish version!

I know!  I know.  Never said the brains were perfect!

Got my bed set up this evening.  But as long as I’ve got this little resting nook for taking breaks until I get everything squared away… I’m grateful!!

Little by little… I’ll get there.  I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I keep praying.

And there’s Daffodils coming up under the mailbox!!

I’m so excited!!  I’m so happy to be back down in my Stomping Grounds!

Oh.  Wait until you see what I’m doing with the other two bedrooms.  It’s a secret.  But I’ll give you a bread crumb.

I’m sitting in one of them right now.

Nope.  That’s all.  Not another word about ‘em!

I’m so excited!!!

 

Stepping Stones Toward Reaching Goals

 

My daily blogging is looking like Swiss cheese again.  I know.  Believe me.  My mind… heart… and muscles are all too aware.  Been a lot going on.

Back in August, 2019 I ended up having to rent a house in a town that was almost 63 miles south of where I needed to be located.  I had to rent the house sight unseen.

Long story.  Sometimes… you have to be willing to struggle in your life… to get around major breathing obstacles having bad intentions.

I chose to accept this house as being a blessing.  And gratitude thrives from my heart… as always.  Looking back… I can almost see the clothing all the Angels wore while they were covering my back door.

I had an option to purchase this house.  Once I had made my final decision about what I wanted to do with my passion… I knew it was not going to fit in with my goals.

The location was… definitely… an obstruction in the big picture.  Only 788 square feet of house.

But my gratitude to the Landlord and those that helped me in the process… put faith and trust in me… will forever exist.

This was a stepping stone for me.  And now… time has come for moving forward to my next step.

I’m relocating to the area where I need to reside.  This holds so much more common sense for me.  I won’t be opening the cap for my gas tank on my car so much… to say the least.

There is a fenced yard for Carlie!  There is a double car garage, which will help me with storage.  Separate storage shed in the backyard for the yard tools.  Separate laundry room… just off the kitchen.

Living room and family room.  Fireplace. Covered back patio… just outside the French doors.  Open kitchen!  I love open kitchens… lots of cabinets… and a load of light coming from the window.

Finally… a kitchen window that’s not so high it keeps me from watching things outside while I’m washing dishes or cooking!  I can watch my Bird Feeders again!

And now I have plenty of room for my goal.  Since my divorce began and I relocated… I have been investing in equipment… software… books and supplies for my passion.

I have studied.  I have practiced.  Now I am ready to go to work.

I prayed for this.  I’ve worked hard for it.  I deserve this stepping stone.

My presence and personal communication has been vague with friends and family in Facebook.  Saved my ranting for Twitter.  Okay… most of it.

I don’t know.  I’ve probably appeared as if I’ve been sitting on a couch and soaking up the portion of my divorce settlement investing in and devouring Bon Bons.

Or… going out to the Bars and Nightclubs… hooking up with men.  Getting that good dose of Rebound Flings.  Taking off on cruises.  Weekly total Spa treatments.  Or… whatever the hell women do after divorce these days.

No.

And other men?  In my life?  Seriously?  I am just now getting over that feeling of wanting to murder the next one that even looks at me with a friggin’ grin.  But that trigger can raise from the dead by any man choosing to become stupid.

Just being honest.  I’m not all the way healed.  I’m a work in progress.

When it comes to men…  I only think about one.  Still.  Always.  My Knight.  YOU.  The only man I have room for in my life.

But he’s not here.  I guess he has his reasons.  So I focus on me… my goals.  I do what I CAN do… to keep standing.  To keep moving forward.  And praying.

Part of my life goal is to buy my own home.  Well… this country holds a leash and shock collar on the demands for being able to buy a home.  You must have a good credit score.  You must have a sizable down-payment.  You must have a good record of employment outside the home…  for at least 6 months.

The word of a human being no longer has any meaning in this country any longer.

I worked more than one job at home… including raising cattle… worked harder than I ever did when I was employed in the airline industry.

I busted my ass as much as my Dad did… as a Journeyman Pipefitter Welder.

Actually… I worked harder.  I was 24-7 on-call status.  I never got a day off.  In almost 18 years of marriage… only one weekend vacation to Jackson, Tennessee to go Crappie fishing.  And one weekend trip to Savannah, Georgia.  It was a Mother’s Day – Pick up a tractor weekend.

But the only thing that matters to America is… I didn’t leave the house and bring home a paycheck.

The Credit Union told me I needed to hold a part-time job for at least 6 months… before they would give me a mortgage loan for $90,000.00.

Right.  So… you’re telling me… I can go work 12 hours each week… for 6 months… at $11.00 per hour… and you will give me that loan?

Can you hear me laughing at the insanity?  Believe me… it’s sandwiching anger.  For so many good and loving human beings in this country.

This is what they do in this country.  The truth is as pure as sewage.  And the arguments are as lame… shallow… and LAZY as it gets.

And then we wonder why so many elderly people are having to sacrifice and choose their battles between eating… paying ridiculous monthly health insurance premiums… car insurance… gas for the car… and paying the insane costs for their pharmaceutical meds.

Other options to buying a home.  If you are self-employed… you must have 2 years of tax records to prove stability to secure maintaining a mortgage.

Next come the Snakes… who tell you they can get you into a home without any down-payment… no job status required… blah blah blah.

The trap… You pay 40-60 percent of the price for the property… up front.  And the interest rate is just… stupid.

They justify the monthly mortgage figure with the fact that it’s still less than monthly rent for a 3-bedroom apartment.  “Let’s not squabble about it only being 35 cents, okay?”

Yeah, right.  Piss in one hand and wish in the other, Moron.  See which one warms your heart faster.

Moving along…

So… over the past 6 months I have been steadily working on my credit score.  The 700+ credit score I half earned relocated out of state.  My part dropped to 520.  His stayed the same.  He took it with him.  Ahhh… but there’s a reason why his credit score sat up in the balcony seats.

I handled all the finances up until the last year and a half before the divorce.

Starting over did not come without a steep price… of course.  Just to get the utilities turned on required pennies short of $1,000.00.

But little by little… and doing nothing more than paying my bills on time… I have raised my credit score up into the healthy ‘Fair’ bracket.

So… I’m moving into a much nicer home!  But remember… I have no… ‘job’.

How do you relocate almost 62 miles away… working any part-time job… where they’re only giving you 12 hours each week?

Why bother?

Every penny goes inside the gas tank.  And it simply amazes me to see how the financial realm in this country is so lame at doing common sense math.  There’s only one explanation.

Nobody cares in this country.

I decided early on… this house was not going to work.  It wasn’t working for my plans.  And it wasn’t working in my life.

So I had to get really creative… again.  And sacrifice… again.

Now at this point… moving into this next house is supposed to be another stepping stone.  From here… I go get that lame 12-hour per week job and work on my passion at the house.

My next step is… buying my own home.

It’s NOT going to matter to anyone at the bank… how much money I will have in my bank account.  My passion goal can start rolling in enough cash that sets me up really great!

Most people quit their ‘jobs’ when this happens.  But me?  Oh, no.  I cannot quit my ‘job’… unless I want to wait 2-3 years… to prove stability with my passion goal.

Because the bank won’t care.  They just want to see the check stubs proving the length of time I have been employed outside the home.  Never mind my perfect consistency with paying all my bills… including a signature loan I have carried… with THEM… over the past 6 months.

And the real pisser… the Rent is double the cost of a monthly mortgage payment.  This is a serious problem in this country.  The mentality in general… running amuck within our existing corporate world is just… totally inhumane and unconscionable.

And they do it because they can.  They do it because we don’t do our background research on local politicians… and make damn sure the crooked ones never make it to Washington, D.C..

Even in the game Clash of Kings… Kingdoms have the rule about not attacking main castles.

It allows players to grow in the game.  They have a fair chance to become a valuable asset to the kingdom.

The difference between the two?

Human beings from NATIONS ALL AROUND THIS WORLD play in Clash of Kings.

 

 

*** Note:  This is NOT an endorsement for Lowe’s, nor do I receive any funds for using the moving carton in my photo.

And I Made My Decision

The alarms on the clocks sound from my Kindle and my phone.  A new day arrives after making a decision before bedtime last night.

I chose walking away.

I know me.  I know my heart.  I know my conscience.  I know the kind of love I am capable of giving.  But I also know the kind of love I deserve.

And beginning today… I will love me.

I rise for my usual morning routine.  My bed is made.  I dress.  Carlie gets her tone collar put on before being let out for her morning constitutions.  Her breakfast is prepared… soaking in hot water to make its ‘gravy’ that she loves.

The usual brushing of my hair and teeth.  Then… I grind fresh coffee bean and set the pot brewing.  That soft ‘bark’ at the front door.  Carlie comes back in and heads for her breakfast after removal of her collar.

There is something about the smell of a fresh cup of hot coffee before the sun even begins to rise.  It’s like… “Good morning!”  And just taking a few moments to absorb how it makes me feel… makes me ready for my next couple of hours.

I’m into my daily guidance on YouTube… listening to Tilly’s daily reading for today… when I have to pause.  Carlie’s finished breakfast.  She won’t let the world continue until she gets her cookies.

Tilly’s reading is finished.  I move on to Gemma’s reading for the day… followed by Uriel’s reading for the weekend.

It’s amazing how all three women cover all aspects of life in their own way.  Light Readers are gifted with their own unique guidance.

I’m so comfortable… thankful… and grateful for how I’ve come to rely on these three women for offering me a peek into what I can expect for the day… what guidance I need from The Divine, the Angels and The Universe.

Fanny is my Go-To for my monthly guidance as an individual.  Still… I gain those daily steps from the other three earth angels!

But it was my own readings I did last night… through Colleen Baron-Reid’s Wisdom of The Oracle and Lucy Cavendish’s Dragonfae Apps (apparently, no longer available in Google’s Play Store?)… that led me to my final decision.

The rest of the day will include more study for a couple hours into the subject of my main goal in life… as well as the current tasks I’m in the middle of handling.  Daily household duties requiring my attention around the house will be completed.  And my evening will be free for planning my weekend.

I always pay attention to how my entire body feels after making decisions like this.  There is a sense of peace that covers me.  Reminds me of a baby’s face… just after entering this world and resting on Mom’s chest… eyes open and looking up at her… so quietly and relaxed.

All the locks at the Dam of Tears seem to have been shut down and not a drop releasing.

And for the first time… I feel what I had manifested long ago… when I experienced the first round of pain that took me too close to a cliff’s edge that nobody really wants to ever see.

I wanted to think of Alan… and feel nothing.

I needed to feel nothing.  I know me.  I have fought a part of me for a very long time now.

There is no man or woman on this planet worth ending your life over… just to feel nothing.

Yes.  It’s a war inside one’s self.  This was the worst war I’ve fought.

Many battles with hope… faith… that loyalty I tried hanging onto for dear life… for only all the right things that have been allowed to exist inside my heart.

My Castle Doors slammed shut.  Several times.  That Drawbridge lifted and locked tight.  That Moat filled to the brim and loaded with a fresh herd of every kind of  sea animal that would eat a man or woman without leaving a bit of evidence.

And still… I remained willing to meet halfway… to reopen negotiation… with him.

It’s exhausting.  But this morning I can wake up and say… “I truly gave it my best.”  At least I know I tried.

But this is not my loss.  He gets to own the loss.

And he will never know all that he lost.  Little does he realize… I never showed him all of me.  I’m not that naïve.

They never see the best of me… until they’ve given me the best of them.

I win.  In the end… I get to have Teresa.

Difficult.  Emotions running so deeply.  Confusion.  I’m not happy with how things are between us.

I try so hard to be patient.  Understanding he is going through his own stuff.  I have no problem with that.  My problem is the fact that he will not communicate with me.

He cannot see that I can be a friend… as well as a partner.  To help each other heal.  To help each other see other perspectives.  To help each other recognize the obstacles in our paths… so each of us can work through our own issues.

Just having that support can make all the difference in the world.

His dead air pushes my patience.  Leaves me questioning whether I should hold on to hope and faith.  Remain loyal to him.  Or… should I walk away?

Does he care how devastating it would be for me to walk away?

I could do it.  I know I would survive this.  But I know I would never be the same.

I know there would be much of me that would die inside.  This frightens me.  This late in my life… after all the lost love I have endured throughout the years.  I know me.  I would not ever care to ever love again.

There comes a time when a beautiful heart becomes too tired.

He cannot see… or, he does not care… how it hurts to feel he does not feel safe or secure enough to come to me as a friend to help him deal with his pain.

To give him different perspectives.  To give him support and encouragement for facing those issues we all face about ourselves that can be so difficult to look at and work on.

To do so in a gentle and compassionate way.

I feel we are… both… strong enough to accomplish this.

There is something so strong inside me that tells me this is why we came to know each other… from the very beginning.  To help each other heal.  To be in each other’s corner.  To be that honesty with gentleness and compassion that only encourages us to overcome our pain.

To journey through it all with each other and become two incredible human beings on the other side.

It’s not a deep dive into some shallow love relationship I’m looking for.  Hot and heavy on the scale of similarity to hooking up in some nightclub.  Walking out the door at closing time… thoughtlessly heading into a tornado that only dies off in a short period of time.

Not that they all turn out that way.  But too many do.  And I want nothing like that.

My prayer is for a reality in the lives of two people who need to heal and want to become the very best that the Divine intended for each of them.

To be courageous enough to allow each other inside for offering raw objectivity.  Helping one another see issues and obstacles we’re not able to see in ourselves.

Being that needed support that gives each other that safe feeling and courage to overcome issues causing us pain and/or confusion.

Being able to look at one another as we scratch off one more issue from that list… and feel we are looking at the one person that makes us want to knock out that entire list… so easily.  Taking a moment to soak in all those wonderful feelings it gives us to realize this.

He cannot see I do have a life.  He cannot see I am very busy myself… with daily tasks and working on my own goals.  Making my own personal dreams become real.  Working on me as much as I can.

But he also cannot see the mountains I could climb with a smile… the doubled joy in my heart… that incredible load of energy and enthusiasm… simply by having communication with him on a regular basis.

And he cannot see the same difference it could bring for him.  If only he would let me.

All I can do on my own is put this in the hands of The Divine and The Universe.  And continue to pray for him.  Beyond that… there is only one truth I know for sure about us.

So much to walk away from.  Too much.

Did You Hear That Door Lock?

I just need to say… I am so relieved to have walked through that door to 2020 and left 2019 buried in some cemetery.  Bottom line… simply one horrible year for me.

In my Tarot readings I was advised to work on planning during the month of December.  Major decisions were made for my life.  Lots of shedding.  Lots left behind.

But then there were the important things in my life that I got to choose to take with me… into 2020.  Goals.  Decisions.  And with or without me… People.

There are actually… very few people I chose to take with me.  But this will be the year when I build new friendships with like-minded people having that same depth of heart and emotions… conscience… kindness… respect… and goals!!

This year is about my heart.  Happiness.  Goals.  There can never be enough said about Goals.  Prosperity.  Abundance.

Love?  I don’t know.  In God’s hands.  Divine Timing.  For now… I am enough.  I have to be enough for now.  And I’m okay with that.

Did I tell you I’ve got goals?  ;)~

My Twin Flame.  In God’s hands.  But never left behind.  And never without my love.  I pray for him.  I pray for his happiness.  I pray for the Universe to bless him with Discernment… Strength… Courage… Wisdom.  Everything for him to rebuild himself from the center of standing in his own truth… his own authenticity… his own wishes… his own goals… his own dreams.

I still believe in him.  I know he can do it.

Understanding and compromise would be two wonderful goals.

I just refuse to pray from inside some closet.  I think that is unrealistic… inhumanely unfair.  And I KNOW it’s just… non-negotiable.

Certain other loved ones that I chose to bring with me.  And then there are those that… basically… helped me choose to leave them behind.  And I’m perfectly okay with that.  I know my truth.

This year is about getting back in touch with myself.  I was so lost and separated from myself for so long.

This is my year.  Finally.  It’s my turn.

I stay more to myself now.  The time will come when it is safe enough for me to speak about all the hard work I am currently in the middle of completing.

Sadly… there are people in this world that just thrive on bringing other people to failure by their dirty deeds.  Out of jealousy.  Out of insecurity.

Simply because you are no longer at their disposal for using your talents to improve their lives… at the expense of your own.  And of course… when all that happens the rest of the world around you is fed a lot of false bravado… which seems to be preferred over truth and honesty in this ever-increasing mad world.

Pathetic.  But hey… those abusers get free will, too.  Whatever.

I prefer to stay to myself and focus on the positive issues in my life.  I mind my own damn business.  I take care of me.

In essence… I’m really not doing anything much more differently than I’ve ever done before.  The only difference is… Now I’m doing it for someone that SEES my hard work… APPRECIATES my efforts… REALIZES my value… and GIVES ME THE CORRECT CREDIT THAT I’M EARNING… THAT I DESERVE.

I’m doing it all for myself.

The difference I feel inside of me is something I cannot even measure.  Now my heart receives what it always needed before… in order to give me that drive to keep moving forward with accomplishing even greater things in life with so much more pleasure and satisfaction.

The results are now much better.  No more half-ass.  I’m a lot less stressed and tired.  No more having to pick my battles.  No more having to fight for half-ass.

I’m able to make a decision.  And now I have the freedom to lay out the tasks in such a way that makes it easy for me to get things done.

So simple.  Which only shows… it never had to be so damn difficult… nor ridiculous.

All the money in the world… won’t even hold the value of an ounce of human piss… against the value of brains… conscience… integrity… truth… common sense… self-love… self-reliance… and self-respect.

And THAT… was in my little suitcase that I carried with me through that door to 2020… after burying 2019 in a cemetery.

I just hope everyone else in this world finds their way to their own healing… truths… finds their own value… self-worth… and self-respect… whatever you need to make you feel whole and happy… from inside yourself.

Happy New Year!