It Feels Like…

… that eighth month of pregnancy.

Patience.  Waiting on Devine Timing.  I think I understand the struggles of a recovering addict.

Got the job I wanted!

I start next month.

Found the house I wanted!  Perfect for me!  Right in town!  Finally… city utilities!!  Buh-bye septic!  Close to my new job!  Been on the market for almost a year!

Somebody puts a contract on it… the very first day I go in for training.

Three-day out-of-body experience.

Pulling feathers out of my butt.  Full Monte cussing and yelling rant while pacing all around the house. The chinking doesn’t really do much for the logs.  But the glass in those windows must be pretty thick.

Phase 2.  Quiet and angry.  At least I’m being quiet.

Phase 3.  Sad.

Phase 4.  Finally.  The crying begins.  The dam breaks.  And I just let it go… feeling the disappointment pouring out.  Get it out of my system so I can get back up again.

With all that’s gone on for so long… it was long overdue and I just could not remain peaceful to pacify the planet.

But I got back up.

Just as I kept going back for interviews until I got that job… I’ll keep window shopping for houses until God finally bends!!!

In the meantime… I’m repotting everything I can get my hands on.  And I bring something else home to repot… every time I hit a store. 🙅

Nothing wrong with bringing something home to shower with love and kindness!😉

Paychecks Do Not Define My Qualifications

My greatest challenge in my journey to reclaim Teresa after almost 18 years of marriage… is stepping into the workforce to support myself financially.  This is the longest period of time I’ve gone without having a job where someone hands me a paycheck.

That does not mean I haven’t been employed.  Farms and ranches hire and pay people to do what I’ve been doing.  I just happen to be that farmer/rancher… on a smaller scale.

However… that job also shared me with all the tasks on the domestic front.  And when you live in a rural area… you become one of the Oil Industry’s sweetest customers.  You burn a lot of gas driving around several counties… grocery shopping… loading 50 lb. and 100 lb. sacks of feed… hunting down veterinary vaccines and other health aids… your own medical appointments… you name it.

And you still have all those other errands that we all tend to in city life.  Hair salon appointments… shopping for clothing and shoes… cultural events.  Just a few examples.

I have worked harder than any job where I’ve ever collected a paycheck… including working on that tarmac at McGhee-Tyson Airport.

Cattle do not care if there is a foot of mud in the paddock… the hotwire fencing is covered in a half-inch insulation of pure ice… rain is coming sideways like a solid blanket… temperatures are 110* Fahrenheit…. or… -16* fahrenheit.  They need to eat.  And they can’t feed themselves.

I’ve set up excel sheets for each animal.  Healthcare… Breeding… Birthing.  I’ve maintained keeping track of serial and lot numbers of all pharmaceuticals administered to our animals.

NO… we don’t use antibiotics and such… until they become ill.  And we’ve only had two cases in all these years.  But we do immunize for preventative measures against disease.

I’ve handled the sterile process for pulling tail hairs… electronically submitted Genetics Testing Requisitions and payments to U.C. Davis… and followed through with hard copies included with tail hairs through USPS.  I’ve dealt with similar process for registering certain animals through one of the breed’s associations.

I’m 4’11″… female… and 59 years old.  And I’ve been handling all this with my soon-to-be ex-husband… while he has maintained commuting to a job in the airlines… where he works inside a hangar for 12 hours each day.  His schedule has never been consistent.  And I’ve dealt with a great deal of time tending to our cattle by myself… which is done so twice daily.

There were two of us that refurbished an old tobacco barn built in 1920. Tearing out a third… while reconstructing inside for stalls and a tack room.  There have been two of us setting in fence posts… running webbed wire and hotwire for construction of paddocks and pasture area.

There have been two of us offloading round bales of hay from the bed of a pickup truck and livestock trailer.

The calves come.  Bottle feeding was an experience required on one occasion (thank God!)… through the day and night.  Training for handling with halters and lead ropes.  I’ve trained every one of our cattle for handling in an open area with no fencing.  I’ve trained our first bull to do whatever I asked… simply by verbal commands… with complete success.

I’ve tended a vegetable garden… raising vegetables that I spent time prepping… canning… freezing… and drying… to save on the grocery bill.

I’ve done my own baking… including bread.  I’m being told my cooking will be greatly missed.

Please remember… I’ve had all the housework… cooking… laundry and errands…  while handling my main job… which landed me no paycheck.

How many people in this country are being given a paycheck to handle each one of the tasks I’ve just laid out in this post?

I think I’m qualified for a really good job.  I think I come to the table with a lot of tenacity… commitment… common sense… problem solving… intelligence… fortitude… and GUTS… just to name a few good qualities.

I’m worth much more than only being regarded as not having been given a paycheck in a decade and being 59 years old.

 

Ready To… Go

“For one day soon you will step into your own stunning universe—beyond the myths, outside any limitations or predictions, far from the illusions this life invents—as you answer the call to uncover the many starlit truths contained inside your incomparable soul. You will be reborn to fresh and glorious revelations only you can carry to completion. And while all the infinite possibilities expand within, may you sing aloud, rejoicing in your new birth, no longer owned by anyone’s idea of who you should be.”

from Open Passages – Doors and Windows to The Soul by Susan Frybort

I don’t know about any of you… but… I am so ready for 2019.  I feel as if I’ve awakened to discover 2018 has been a year that I spent carrying baggage… adding more along the way.

Like being on vacation with an overnight bag in the beginning… buying a new suitcase for packing new treasures at every place you travel to visit and explore.

But when you arrive home… you begin opening suitcases… and finding rocks.  And you think back… over all that time… carrying all these suitcases.  The hopes… the excitement over thoughts of how much enjoyment to come in the future… packed inside.

The heartbreak… disappointment.  You concede to all the reality before your eyes.

When the miracle becomes… dumping all the rocks in a quarry… selling all those suitcases… just to spare yourself from having to look at them one more day… and closing the doors to your mind and heart to anymore thoughts of another vacation.

Shedding all the baggage that’s been nothing more than deception… lies… and absence… in return for everything you’ve been carrying.

I can only hope 2019 will be kinder…  at least kind enough to help me find a way to find the lesson… so I can feel grateful… and thankful.

Because I am kind.

 

 

Time Goes By… So Slowly…

“What cannot be said will be wept.”  ~Sappho

I struggle this day.  Though I’ve learned the tools for remaining centered… for the highest good… of not only myself… these days will come.  Following through to the end on a promise… which binds me until next spring… really puts my patience to a test.

Wishes and dreams manifested. They have free will on the other end of that bridge.  Faith… The Spirit… Archangel Michael… so leaning on each of them on this day.

It takes all my being to remember who I am.  When I make a promise… seeing it to the end is to see all of me that I wish to be.  In this life.  In this world.  In my heart.

This is me.  My heart.  For myself.  But especially… for whomever I choose to give my heart.  On every level.  Past… Present… Future.

The not knowing.  That’s when I just want to crawl up into The Spirit’s lap.  Needing that comfort.  That assuredness from a Being who truly knows me… my heart… my wishes… my dreams.  The eyes I seek.

Balance.  I must be who I am… and who I will always be… at all times.

By doing so in this moment… I am proving my love.  Past… Present… and especially… Future.

I am becoming who I am… from the lessons I’ve learned… as recent as… this moment.

I will love.  I will be kind.  And I will remember… it’s been made clear to me.  The Divine Spirit has already mapped out everything for me… on the other side of that bridge.

That Fork in The Road

Sometimes… one can go years in a marriage before realizing… there’s a fork in this road.  One realizes they’re wanting to go in a different direction.  And suddenly… the entire picture of life begins to look so much more brighter… simpler… happier.

Such became the case in my journey to reclaim Teresa.  I reached a point where the stress in the struggle had affected me physically… to the point of taking anti-depressants… anxiety meds… and then came blood pressure meds.

Time was closing in on me.  A decision to move to Missouri was racing on the calendar.  And I wanted to wrap an anchor onto a pier… more and more… every day I awoke.  But when the blood pressure meds came into the picture… I knew I had to sort out and find my strength to decide which direction I was going.

By then… I had so many reasons why I did not want to move to Missouri.  This marriage was sucking life out of me.  Moving to Missouri would isolate me even more… bringing me to my death much sooner.   And I’d decided I wanted to come back alive… and live.

People grow… and change.  We all do.  And it’s not fair for one person to have the comforts of growing in their own journey… while expecting the other to conform… at the expense of leaving their true self way back… years behind.  Time lost.  Soul damaged.  One thread left for hanging on.

Especially when an angel has come onto the scene… and reminded you of who… you really are.  I mean… if that doesn’t bring you a wake-up call… God take you on home.

It just felt like pure common sense to make my case and ask for a divorce.  I was finished with life being all about convenience for someone else… at the expense of my health… well-being and happiness.

I was scheduled to see my doctor 3 days later… for a regular follow-up.  We never got through the usual routine.  Being granted a divorce had my blood pressure drop… too low!  My doctor took me off the blood pressure med.  We expect I’ll be able to stop taking my other two meds once the divorce matters are all in the past.

Amicable.  Fair.  That will be this divorce.  He’s just happy that I’m not wanting to clean his clock out.  I’m shocked that he wants to continue raising cattle.  He says they’re his kids.  Nobody can take these kids away from him.  Believe me.  I get that.  If that’s what makes him happy… I’m happy for him.

But I deserve to be happy…  just as much.  And I have so many reasons to feel excited about getting that chance!

Breaking away… True Self… Amicable… Fair… Truths… Self-Love… Self-Respect… Happiness… Joy… New Love… etc..

These… and many more… are all good things that each of us deserve to embed in our lives while we’re here.  There is no law that says we must give up these things… for anyone else.  Nor should we ever think we are entitled to snuff out those same candles in any other good soul.

Take time to examine how much of these good things you have in your life.  If you find any missing… make time.  Make the effort.  Feed your soul with the goodness it deserves.

Remember…. you are Love.  Be kind to yourself.  And be kind to others.

 

 

Making Room For Teresa

I’ve always believed… the best experience you can have with going through therapy… is when you’re willing to get honest with yourself… first.

I’ve learned so much in this tumultuous year of 2018.  My experience… wow.  To everyone else… there has been the appearance of someone not doing much of anything.  But inside my mind and heart…

Let me just draw this picture.  It’s been no different than standing on the top of the mound at a dump… and hand-sorting through all that crap.

Emotions have been nothing short of taking breaks to ride on an old wooden rollercoaster that’s never had any maintenance… freezing up somewhere on the track… crying and losing it while pushing the cars back to the starting gate.

Finally… reaching a point of seeing truths.  Owning what’s actually… my garbage.  Getting angry enough to start throwing a lot of other garbage back in the laps of others… who honestly own it.  Remember now… this is taking place inside my mind and heart.

No.  I don’t go around throwing garbage. Anywhere!  I’ve simply learned how to recognize my own garbage… and refuse accepting garbage that does not belong to me.

Yes… others become agitated… left standing there to deal with their own… okay…. stuff.  I walk away feeling lighter… and… free.

Somewhere in the process… I found… okay… yes… extra room in my head.  But just as much space in my heart.   I also found strength.  And I found ease in… dealing… with only my… stuff.

And then comes this real truth of a twisted feeling… like that adrenalin that spills over into your blood and gets you out of bed at 2:30am in the morning to go push planes out… on the tarmac… in 3-degree Fahrenheit temperatures.

You want more.  Seriously.  It happens!  Anyway… step by step… I have looked forward to using my own space for my own… stuff.

Early this year… I found room to begin considering all the little things in life that Teresa enjoys.  For example… Onion.

I like onion in a lot of food.  But others don’t like onion.  So… no onion goes into the food.

But then I realize… I’m the one cooking all this food!

Guess what… if you don’t want onion… you have choices.  You cook.  Or… let’s see… There’s McDonalds… Hardee’s… Taco Bell… Subway… a few others.  Take your pick!

Teresa likes onions.  Teresa’s cooking.  Teresa gets onions!

It’s called… Self-Love… Self-Worth… Self-Care… Self-Respect…. Healing.  Not exactly in that order.  But… anyway.  It all comes together for my highest good… happiness!

And kindness… without co-dependency.

Being kind also includes encouraging others to handle their own… stuff.  So… Be kind to yourself… and others!

Finally Becoming Ready For A Real Fight!

I doubt I’ll ever forget all those feelings that came erupting to my surface… once I realized I was looking at Teresa standing all alone… what seemed like… miles and miles behind me.

“What have I done?  How did this happen?  Why would I allow this to happen?”

Love.  I realized… In my struggle to survive… just how addicted I had become… to giving of myself to all others… with hopes of all that I am being cherished by those receiving my gift.

And had I been accepted… respected… loved in return?  Yes.  For all I could do… for others.  For just being… me?  No.

To be Teresa meant doing for Teresa.  Placing Teresa into the grand scheme.  Doing so took away time devoted to others.  Life began becoming uncomfortable for others.

Convenience is who I’d become.  And when I awoke that morning and chose to go reclaim Teresa…  Convenience began disappearing… much to the discomfort felt by others.

Anger began showing up at my feet.  I began stepping over the piles… defending my own wishes… wants… likes… preferences… for once in my life.

My gut was full.  And I cannot describe the amazing feeling of… truly not even giving a damn if it made anyone else feel… uncomfortable… for a change.

Perception takes a hit… from both sides… at this point.  But here… we are talking about my journey.

A freedom I have never felt before.

My next step… to hone in on that freedom.  Doing so without anger… defiance… retaliation… and all those other dark emotions.

I’ve since found my way to accomplishing that.  So know this.  It is possible.  And it can bring a sense of wholeness that we all seek in life.

Have you ever gotten your gut full of giving and giving… until you just have no more… of anything… to give… to anyone?

Take time to sit in stillness… the quiet… or… some place that calms you. Take time to give to yourself.  Love yourself.

Because YOU are love.  You deserve love.  Love comes in millions of other forms!

A Quad Vente’ Latte’… a day in the forest… baking loaves of bread while nobody else is in the house… listening to soft music.  Dancing to songs you loved through all your years of growing up… when you’re home alone.  A soak in the tub… with bathsalts… or… bubbles!

Love yourself today!  Be kind.  And… remember to be kind to yourself.  YOU are just as real as anyone else!

“Screeeech!”… Detour!

We’re all headed into a few weeks with Mercury going retrograde… yeah… so, hold on to your pennies and be mindful of your electronic devices… and a few other hiccups! And speaking of…

It seems Microsoft is having issues with a latest update… causing browsers and websites to go comatose in various areas.  So… no photo today.

A challenge I shall enjoy  conquering for the future!

One of the precious pearls of wisdom and guidance many of us have received… is to go calmly and just… roll with the flow on this little wooden roller coaster.

It’s only temporary!  We’ll all survive!  Some of us will learn more lessons… gain more wisdom… grow a bit more.

Challenge your own Perception!  Go get you some victory in only letting Positivity get you through the mud!

I mentioned those little phrases and such in yesterday’s post.  Well… some angel in the universe must have been paying attention to my sharing.  Because I had one of those treasures land before me… just this morning!

All the old hymns we sang at a tiny Quaker church… when I was a little girl.  How I loved going to that church!  Tiny but mighty in love… like family.  I was a flower girl in several family weddings.  I remember the chaos at my Grandma’s house… while she sewed the dresses worn.

Vacation Bible School!  And that combination of homemade chocolate chip cookies and Kool-Aid.  Ha!  My decopauge of Jesus knocking on the door… on a piece of cut wooden wall paneling.  I was so proud of my finished work!

The Bible stories in Sunday School.  Always excited to learn about the next one… every Sunday morning!  But… the hymns in church service that followed.  They bring tears when I hear them today.  Tears of love… gratitude… thankfulness.

And I was blessed by a special new friend I follow on Instagram this morning… with her break-out of song in her post!

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine.

I feel like Brother and Sister Sellock are watching over me!  So many good memories blanket me on this chilly morning.  Love. Refreshment and Courage.

All is well.  We’ll survive!  Just be good to yourself.  And be kind.

New Beginnings Bring Beginnings

So much in life today struggles to encourage us all to seek good.  In the maze… comes so many inspirational quotes and messages.  And for me… anyway… I found myself becoming numb.  They’d pass me by with nothing more than a simple… ‘okay‘… in response.

We take these beautiful words of soul saving graces… for granted.  But if we pay attention to the next one that comes along our way… we receive an incredible blessing that has fallen into our lap… literally!

If we just… stop whatever we’re doing… and give 15 minutes of our swamped day… 15 measly minutes, peeps…  to really soak in the intentions behind that little phrase of many that we’re always hearing… at some time or another.

There is… always… some intentional reason… for these little gems popping into our sight… or… even our mind.  Whichever way they come to grab our attention.  They’re a gift meant for us to receive.  A nugget of gold… meant for helping us delve more into ourselves… to learn who… we… are.

And sometimes… they can even guide us to the right path… when we find ourselves at a crossroads.

It was just one of these little phrases that offered confirmation… turning me onto this path of my own personal journey to reclaim myself.  That particular phrase is irrelevant in my sharing.  It was meant for me.  We each have our own… unique… whispers of encouragement that come to us.  Intended for our own one-of-a-kind journey that our Spiritual Source (Spirit; God; I Am; Allah…etc.,) works diligently to guide us… for our own highest good… and the highest good of all.

Think about this.  Each of us… is one living soul… gifted with our very own presence… in this entire… amazing… infinite universe!

What gift of encouragement floats into your own path today?  Feel free to come back and share!

In the meantime… remember to be good to yourself!

The Journey Begins

Okay… Here we go!  Thanks for joining me!  I am looking so forward to taking this ride.  There are so many changes happening in my life.  And I must say… 2018 has been an incredible churning of events that have brought me to where I am at this time, in my personal journey.

There was a morning when I woke up and… I’d had a dream.  I’m walking forward… looking backward… seeing myself standing all alone… way far behind.  This was my true self.  I had left myself way back in the day… years ago… putting everyone else… everything else… in my sight where no more room remained… for Teresa.

Before finishing my first cup of coffee in the morning… I was ready for taking a stand… fulfilling a goal.  It was time to push all the clutter to the side and… Reclaim Teresa!

I’ve learned so much.  What I have received has been such a dynamic reason for looking forward and feeling inspired to learn all that awaits for me on my path.

Come join me!  Giving others the opportunity to learn from my sharing is one of my hopes and pleasures.  Who knows WHAT you may learn for your own journey!  Wouldn’t that be awesome!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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