I Said… Can We Get a Little Balance Here!

Yesterday… I left for a day of running around in Lenoir City and Knoxville.  Anytime I head up that way anymore… I make sure I can knock out several things that need attention.

And of course… since I’m up in that area… I’ll find every excuse to stretch the trip all the way to Joann Fabrics.  LOL

Yeah… I know.  But I mean… how many guys leave work and reason out taking a left-hand turn to go down one other road and stop by a bar for a few beers?

Right!!?

Balance!  ;)~

My vice is safer.  I can’t go to jail.  *snicker*

Okay… I’ll show you a few of the goodies I brought home.

But this is all you get to see!

Much of the progress on my main goal has been hindered by a little ‘snafu’ that occurred as a surprise to all attorneys involved in my divorce.

Apparently… there was a recent lateral amendment passed by Tennessee State Legislature regarding transfer of vehicles to divorcing individuals.

Now the state requires that the final decree include everything… The year… make and model… and now… the VIN number.

The State of Tennessee rejected my application to have my Putt-Putt registered in my name.  The VIN number was omitted in the final divorce decree.

Their excuse is… ‘How do we know you don’t have 5 Kia Souls?’

My thinking is… ‘If you got off your lazy butt and cross-referenced with both our names you would have all you need!’

Their rebuttal… ‘People own multiple vehicles and never get them registered.”

My volley… ‘So, call the cops and have them drive by the house!’

We have a very lazy nation of people.

Anyway… I received a download of a screenshot of the ‘signed, sealed and filed’ amended page for the final decree into my attorney portal.

That meant I was able to go to the courthouse to obtain a certified copy with a notary seal.

Document in hand… I headed to my credit union.  Next task… changing my name on my banking account.

Okay.  I’ll be honest here.  I had Joann’s on the brain.  Now… I’m not all that terrible.  I also had Carlie’s Dog Cookies on my mind.

It was on my way back from Joann’s… coming through Turkey Creek to go ‘my back way’ to getting home and missing all the snotty traffic… when I remembered I had forgotten to remember what I KNEW I would forget!

I’ll wait for you to catch up.

I had a check from Home Depot in my purse.  I forgot to deposit it at the credit union when I went to change my name.

I dunno.  Maybe it was the free lantern they gave me for Customer Appreciation Day!  ROTFLMAO!!

We all know what’s really going on here.  Right!?

Seriously… it’s a cute little lantern!!  I’m sure it will come to be very useful.  Greatly appreciated!

Okay. Sooo….

Oh, it gets better!

I’ve known for quite some time now… the branch of TVA Credit Union in Turkey Creek is open until 8pm.  I think all the others close at 5:30 on Fridays.  I’ve never been to the one in Turkey Creek.  But it was the closest.  And the others were already closed.

Well… knowing they are open until 8pm does me no good at all… when I don’t even know where they’re located.

“Ma’am…. I can’t find this account in our records.  I’m looking at your banking card.  Are you sure you’re at the right bank?”

I tried depositing my check at First Tennessee Bank.

Now we all… definitely… know what’s really going on here!

I will just take it as my moment for the day.  Okay?  I made it home!  I drove through all that rain!  In the dark!

Hey… I even managed to make myself a much needed pot of fresh hot coffee.

Decided to pull a bowl of soup from the freezer and heat it in the microwave.  The effort has left me thinking the house wiring for all the outlets on that side of the kitchen and dining area… are female.

Out of the blue… blackout.  The microwave and my Infrared Fireplace Heater are down for the count.  Trying to kick the breaker did nothing.  I’m thinking the grounding outlet has died.

Can’t be sure.  Just trying to stay positive here.

Either way… I’m left with an unexpected pleasure of contacting an Electrician on Monday.  In the meantime… the breaker is shut off.

This crap gets taken care of NOW.  I do NOT like electricity.  I need the electricity in this house working properly… and SAFELY.

That damn Mercury going back into retrograde.

I need to be able to cook… work on my sewing machine… embroidery machine… have my heater going… all at the same time.

And I refuse to plug in my coffee pot in the bathroom for the rest of my life!!   This house was built in the 1940’s.  And I am really beginning to wonder.

But I am grateful that I can still slobber through my very first edition of this little goodie I just received!  But that pattern for the cape. ‘squeal!‘

Talk about pumping up the adrenaline.  I can hardly wait!

For now… I have another book case to put together.  And I have to run to Lowe’s for the additional shelf pins I forgot to get.

It’s always something! LOL

I am so excited!  I drew the #9 card from Colette Baron Reid’s ‘Wisdom of The Oracle‘ deck for this post!

You can read about it by clicking here.

It FITS… so divinely!  Everything I am experiencing right now!  Even inside my heart.  Ciao’, TU! xoxoxo

I hope your weekend is much better!!

 

Yep… “Mama ALWAYS Wins!”

Living alone produces its challenges.  But I refuse to concede.

My latest challenge has been making space.

The question was, “Doors… or… more shelf space?”

The answer was obvious.  Screw aesthetics.  I’ll deal with that later.

But… look at how much I can store now!

You’re looking at four 23″ x 20″ additional shelves.

All I need to do is trim them out with some laminate stripping.

And guess what.

I get to do the same thing on the other side… after I go pick up more shelf pins… of course.  Always some little something.

This entire problem was resolved with only one sheet of ¾” melamine board!

I had two Heroes… Skylar and Malakay at Home Depot #0743.  They did a great job helping me out.

I would have gone to Lowe’s… of course… had it not been for an employee not being trained properly.  He burned up their saw by cutting composite sheets.

Both of these two Home Improvement chains really suck at thorough training… and staffing… all across the country.

I can speak from personal experience.  And believe me… I am not alone with that opinion!

But you do what you have to do…. Until you buy your own woodshop tools.

Look at the leftovers!

Not only do I have shelves for the other side of the unit.

I now have four 2’ x 9” shelves.

And two 20” x 4.5” shelves!

I only need wall brackets.

I’ll hunt for some cute ones when I go for the shelf pins.

But not today.

I have 2 bookcases to finish putting together… now that I have that teenie tiny wooden dowel that held me up.

Releasing The Fixer

I’m being shown the necessity for me to learn more in releasing my obsession with wanting to be The Fixer for those I love.

I’ve found the whole process has been so much easier for me to gain a stable hand with loving understanding… when it comes to my children.

I think that ease may come from knowing they’re younger and assuming they have much more time in their lives to gain their own wisdom in the journey.

However… there comes a bittersweet acknowledgement of knowing… that assumption is such a high risk.  The unexpected death of a child gone way too soon is something that will always tear down that dam and bring on those mournful tears that soak my T-shirts.

And that is where… almost sitting parallel on my table of thoughts… I find how I still need more time to hone my release of being The Fixer for whomever I have chosen to commit my heart as a life partner.

To love… truly and deeply… is to only want a vision of never seeing them in pain.  That goes for anyone I love… my children… friends… family.  The YOU I carry in my heart.

Somehow… a need is so strong for wanting that power to look them square into their eyes… and remove all that pain for them.

If only it were so easy… to gaze deeply into their eyes and set their world so perfectly as they wish.  Send one tiny star to ignite all the happiness.  Another to bring on the laughter and joy.  One more to fill their entire being with my endless love that belongs to only them.

There is a reason why we call our time on this planet a journey.  Each of us has to seek and find at our own pace.  That’s how we learn how to completely absorb each and every facet to all the lessons in front of us for gaining fulfillment we all deserve in our lives.

To be The Fixer… is to cheat the other person.

Just for example…

Hand a kid $100.00 for no reason every week… no words exchanged.  That is your intention… anyway.  In time… let’s say 6 months… they would become capable of conning you into fronting them the $100.00 intended for the next 3 weeks to come… within only 2 weeks.

Am I lying?  I mean… seriously.

Come the 3rd day of the first week of the next month… they’re back again for another advance.  What behavior do you think is going to show up… when you choose not to be The Fixer… and say, ‘no’?

They throw fits.  They ‘hate your guts’!  They can’t find enough vulgar pronouns to spit at you.  They start spewing lies about you to others… fishing for a sucker… if you really want to get honest here!

Kids are smart… and stupid!

Eventually… once you’ve chosen not to be the obstacle in their way of their journey to learning all the lessons from that scenario… they get to choose how much asphalt they like eating… before they finally learn the lessons.

One way… or another… the lesson is there waiting for each of us.  And one way… or another… we will learn the lesson.  Because ‘God Always Gets The Last Word.’

And… “Daddy ALWAYS wins!”

Helloooo!!

As for not being The Fixer for the one my heart belongs to… I have to learn to stand back.  Let them get there at their own pace.  To get in the way with even good intentions… only brings confusion… frustration… anger… one huge boulder in their path.

That only extends the amount of time they have to endure before their gifts are seen through the light at the end of the tunnel.

I want him to see me standing at the end of that tunnel.  I want him to discover… that strong thread of love I’ve been sending from my heart to his all this time… leads right to everything he’s been running from… searching to find.

Finally… we’ll be on the same page in life.

Only then… can 2 equally-minded souls iron out the plans… and the kinks… taking steps forward only when both are ready.

Only then… will both of us be able to feel… all that awesome stuff that shows up when everything is rolling on the same path.

My only personal wish at that point is… I hope it happens on a Harley!

Because… This Girl will never bend outside of Harley’s and Chevy’s!!

Period.  End of that conversation!

Yeah… I know.  I’m driving a Kia Soul.  I wasn’t allowed to choose in 2015.

Drop it!  Go have a great weekend!

 

**  The card I drew after putting this post in place… #25 “Round and Round“… from Colette Baron Reid’s Wisdom of the Oracle Deck.

You can read it’s meaning by clicking here.

My Saturday was Full

This past weekend for me… was about shaking off all the cobwebs from last weekend.  Transformations can be such a draining force on the mind, heart and energy.

I made it through the week choosing strength from spite.  “Screw it.  I’ll go within and only think of myself.”  It was the compromise to get me past pain… disappointment… anger.

I am the kind of person that does not like being angry.  I believe in fighting.  But… I believe only in fighting for the highest good of everything that is right and fair.  Equal.  I don’t believe in fighting for only me.

I took off early Saturday morning and headed to my stompin’ grounds.  I needed to go to the river.  Desperately.

Cades Cove Loop doesn’t open until 10am for vehicles on Saturdays.  The early morning hours are for biking through the loop.

That was my excuse for stopping at McDonalds in Maryville… killing one of those Sausage Egg McMuffins breakfast meals with Hashbrowns and Orange Juice.  I brought my own coffee from the house… Freshly ground Starbucks Veranda blend… with a touch of whole milk.

The goal for the day… Any damned thing I wanted!

Whatever I wanted to do.  Wherever I wanted to go.  Whatever I wanted to buy.  Whatever I wanted to eat.

“As above… so below!”

I bought another mug.  I love it.  I found out how much I love it when I got back home.  I now have 2 of the same… again!  LOL

I could tell from the trees… this year’s color will be late.  And we will have a very… very lacy show of color.  The rain was not kind enough to visit as much as we needed.  The river…wow.  So many places on the river where I could step stones and cross over to the other side.

But that also means… the Bears will be crossing over in higher numbers.

WHICH REMINDS ME…

YES.  That WAS Me… yelling at the morons that parked their cars in the middle of both sides of the road… about a half-mile from the Ranger’s Station and Campground at Cades Cove… to take a picture of a bear.

One Idiot standing less than 15 feet… from the tree where the bear began climbing down.

That was a very small bear cub… too small to be alone.  Mama Bear WAS in the vicinity.  This was a very bad scene.

People… we have all kinds of trees and flowers in the park, too.  But you won’t see anyone parking their vehicles in the middle of the road and holding up HUNDREDS of other vehicles for a half-hour plus… just so they can take a picture.

Why not?  BECAUSE IT’S AGAINST THE DAMNED LAW!!

We have triple the number of hikers in the park right now.  The weather is cooler… more tolerable.

We have double the visitors… coming to see the fall color.

At any given moment… one of them could have an accident.  A hiker could slip and fall off a cliff.

AND YOU COULD BE THE REASON WHY THEY DIE… because Rangers and Emergency Rescue can’t get to them… all because you might piss your pants if you don’t get that picture of a bear.

There IS more than one bear in the park.

IT IS ILLEGAL to STOP your vehicle ANYWHERE ON THE ROADS in the park… including Cades Cove Loop.

There are designated areas for pulling off the road and parking.  FIND THEM.  Get your lazy butt out of your vehicle and do a little bit of walking.

I am a member of Friends of The Smokies.  I visit this park all the time.  Phones get no signal.  However… Car Horns do echo.

And as I did on Saturday… I will lay on my horn and begin another friggin’ concert… just like the one that kicked off behind me from lots of other cars.  The Rangers heard the horns.

Next time… I will take pictures of your car tags… and take them to the Ranger’s Station.

Before you call me Stupid… remember who chose to park their car in the road.

The traffic bothered me.  Even heavier than the normal chaos for this time of year.  I wondered what was going on.  I found out… as soon as I made that right-hand turn onto Old Mill Avenue in Pigeon Forge.

I forgot about the Arts and Crafts Fair being hosted back behind The Old Mill.  Got lucky finding one of only 2 parking spots left at a $5 parking lot across from The Old Mill Stores.  Absolute insanity.  I decided to hit all the stores first… before going over to The Old Mill Resturaunt for a late lunch.

Yeah…. That never happened.  I hit all the stores.  But that late lunch turned into an early dinner in Townsend… at Smokin’ Joe’s Bar-b-Que!  When all else fails… that is THE GO-TO!

I had already made the drive through Wears Valley… had my dinner… and asked for my Doggy Box… within the same time I would have just been seated at The Old Mill Resturaunt!  Never… have I ever… seen the wait that bad.  First time I’ve ever walked away and opted out.

Last time I ever plan on eating in Pigeon Forge on a weekend.

But my wish for fun in Pigeon Forge was not all in vain!  I came home with bags of Chocolates and Taffy!  I picked up my Bread Flour from The Old Mill General Store (right where they mill the grains!)… And a jar of locally made Pecan Creamed Honey.

I was wiped out by the time I got back home. But it was all a much needed break away from the dearest things inside my heart that hurt me right now.

Ya’ know… Just a reminder… We have enough craziness going on in this world.

Choose to be kind and considerate of others.  Don’t be that person that stops an ambulance from getting to an accident.

Think of others… before choosing to think only about yourself.

Ready For The Weekend

I always draw my cards after I write my post.  It’s this little thing between God… all the Angels… my Spirit Guides… and my family that has crossed over to the other side.  I wish somebody else had been here to witness this!  It happens every time!

Today has been one of those ‘new type’ of days I have welcomed into my life.  Going into my own world… alone… and feeling nothing but peace and hope… confidence.

I’ve been very busy… making room inside the house.  Selling off a few things… giving away other things.  All in preparation for setting up this house more efficiently and according to scale… for reaching my goals.

I’d love to start painting this place!  And the carpet.  Ick!  I despise carpet.  But that too… must wait.  Unfortunately… I experienced a very hard lesson after jumping that gun back in 2006.  I’m feeding my strength to hang in there until the ink dries at closing on the purchase.

During this waiting game… it feels like a cleansing is happening in my world.  New furniture.  Revamping some storage shelving for more appropriate utilization in my sewing room.

Making room for my birthday gift to myself… an indoor exercising bike that works on strength and cardio.  And a new sofa.

All of this fits into the Big Picture of my new life.  I get to choose my own style of sofa.  I’ve been able to purchase the exercising equipment that TERESA knew she needed for her goal… rather than settling for less in the fight for half-ass that Dwayne always insisted upon.

I don’t know why I specify Dwayne in the matter.  Maybe because he’s the one that happened to be involved in the scenario?  Could have been any other partner with the same mentality.  But then again… Now I’d be packing their bags for them… much earlier before reaching any such point.

So I guess I should thank him for that lesson.

But my life is about me now.  For a change.  For the first time in my life.

I’m not hurting anybody.  I’m not coming up pregnant.  I’m not going to jail.

I’m paying my bills.  I’m taking care of priorities.  I’m mapping out my goals.

I’m giving back to the universe.  And I’m letting go of all that no longer serves my highest good… and the highest good of all.

Even inside my heart.

I feel there’s no reason to waste my time anymore.  I’m seeing no reason to hold off cleaning house inside my heart and making room for the love I deserve.

Crickets are for fishing.  Not for keeping a loving heart company.

I think I’ll take off in the early morning and go visit the Bears at Cades Cove!!  Take the backroad to Pigeon Forge… enjoying all the river scenery.  Spoil myself with lunch at The Old Mill.  Who knows?  I just may go crazy at The Old Mill Candy Kitchen!

Hey… I might run into that Blonde-headed Blue-eyed Park Ranger again… too!  And this time… I won’t forget to take his picture.  Swap names?  LOL  ;)~

Anything is possible.

“Jus’ sayin’!”

Just jokin’!  Most likely… he’s already got a better half!

Gosh, I love living in East Tennessee!

Dirty Laundry

It’s raining this morning.  I can barely hear it hitting the house.  And the goosebumps are driving me nuts!!

Oh, my gosh… I will NEVER live in another house with a tin roof!  I have fallen back in love with composition shingle roofs.

Even Carlie notices.  She didn’t quite know what to think when I opened the front door to let her outside.  Been a while since we’ve had any rain here.

Thank God… no more need to dish out the yogurt to her… laced with CBD drops!

Rough weekend for me.  I’m grateful for its passing.

Emotions everywhere.  Crossroads.  Do I let go?  Do I not?  Sobbing… soaking my T-shirts.  Anger… frustration… hurt… pain… fear.  The Full Monte.

But when the end of Sunday approached…

I watched WaterBaby Tarot’s Libra reading for Oct. 12th – 21st… before my routine of writing down things I’m grateful for… just before I go to bed.

BEST way this weekend could ever have closed out!

Thank you so much, Lady!

The reading reminded me of something I figured out such a long time ago.

Many people ridicule my raw openness and honesty.  “Such an idiot… throwing all your dirty laundry out there to the world!”

Yeah, right.  Truth is… you only THINK that’s ALL my dirty laundry!  ROTFLMAO!

Uh-huh.  You know what they say about people in glass houses… right?!?

Anyway… she reminded me of how I came to my conclusion behind my choice of being so open and honest.  Not only with myself… but also with the world.

The secret… Okay.  Alright.  So there can’t be a secret in this.  Anyway… The bright light bulb (is that better?) sits behind my personal relationship with God.  This is a strong subject in my life.

And the Queen of Swords comes out to defend on this one… very solidly.  I live to protect my relationship with God.

God knows me better than anyone else on this planet.  And at the end of the day… He will be the one I answer to when I leave this life on this planet.

Nobody else.

He already knows the path I’m headed down.  He’s already decided when my time will come for the end of my journey.

He already knows what’s inside my head and heart… before anything comes out of my mouth.

He knows all my feelings.  (Think twice, now… there is a difference from the sentence above.)

He knows I’m not perfect… I’m human.  And THAT makes me perfect in His eyes.  He knows I have faults.  He knows I make mistakes.

He knows my struggles inside my mind and heart.

Since God already knows all this… who cares about everybody else in this world throwing stink bombs… caused by their own choices of not diving deep to see all the convoluted conditioning shoved into minds for money?

The fact that they haven’t taken the time to figure it all out… that’s their problem.  Not mine.

Again… follow the money.  Those damn money mongers.

So… why hide anything?

You can’t hide from God, Silly!

Why fight and deny all the struggle on the inside?

It takes more energy keeping all that crap caged up in a heart and mind.  My cartoon imagination gives me this view of God… sitting in a lawn chair… watching someone tangle with all this crap inside.  Trying to fight it all… run from it… hide… deny… fear.

And God just sits there… watching.  One leg crossed over the other.  Foot bouncing up and down.  Shaking his head gently… side to side.  Grinning.

When those truths and feelings are all about positivity that can bring happiness… no barking negativity from anyone else on this planet matters… when you have The Number One King on your side.

Learning this… practicing this… brings so much light into my world.

Yes.  Crap will always come around.  This is not about building some cannon to rid the world of evil.  It’s about finding the truth you can depend on… for where that safe place exists… where you are more than welcomed to become your own true self.

I remember growing up…  LOL… have you ever been around somebody that looked you in the eye and said… “You’re not God!”

Ha!  Guess what… That would be me.

And… if anybody is choosing to remain snarling at me for… ‘throwing my dirty laundry out there’… why are you so afraid to learn something from my experiences that just may free up your own world?

I do this out of kindness and love.

What’s wrong with giving kindness and love?

Who’s really the confused soul here?

Just sayin’.

My world is free.  God knows when I love someone.  God knows when I’m feeling hurt… angry… frustrated… confused.  There’s no reason for me to hide anything.

Confusion… is my worst challenge.  I’m a Libra.  Balance.  Truth.  Honesty.  I live with the goal and wish to do only the right things in life… according to what God intends for my journey.

My goals… come easy.  My wishes… can be a challenge.  And for me… God knows I will go to fellow Light Workers and my own cards to find His messages for me.

I will dig deep… deeper… as deep as need be… until He gives me that feeling in my gut and the peace in my whole being.

He knows me.  He knows I strive to do and be the best of all good… for my highest good… and the highest good of all.

I have no qualms about loving someone.  When that person is a good soul… worthy of love… why not?

My purpose in life includes sharing in this blog.  Somewhere out there… a soul on this planet needs the support and encouragement.  They’re seeking the same truth.

This world is upheaving all the evil that’s been brewing underground… this very moment.  God is taking the reins!  He’s getting the last word!  And it’s going to be nothing less than good!

God bless Greta Thunberg!

There is hope.  This is kindness.

We all need a hand-up with understanding… and acknowledging… the reality of all that’s going on in this world right now.

How about offering some reciprocity… by spreading some kindness of your own!

 

Rising from Ashes

Being granted in my divorce… the right to use my birth name.

This was a tick on a box for the Judge.  For me… it was like this huge… thick wooden castle door that had been secured with one of those heavy… rusted… box locks that only one skeleton key could open.

That Judge had the key that opened that old lock.  He did that… for me.

This was the gift of having my identity returned to me.

When I mention the word ‘Identity’… I’m not speaking only about a name.

I spent my childhood growing up looking in mirrors… trying to figure out who I was.

I didn’t look like anyone in the family.  They all got sunburns.  I got suntans.  They all had freckles.  I didn’t.  So… who did I look like?

And through those years… I dealt with frequent blows of emotional abuse that really destroyed me from the inside.

The worst part about that is this.

Each and every day I stood in front of that mirror… getting ready for the day… I gave time to trying to figure out who I looked like… and who… I… was.

And every moment of mental and emotional abuse that came along… ended up being embedded into that vision… that was being drawn in that mirror… every single day.

I wasn’t even allowed to use my name.  I’d never seen my birth father.  I was 9-years-old when I first found out about him.

My Dad insisted on being the one to give me the story… even though he’d never even met the guy.

And God help me… if I dared to just whisper a question… to even that 14-year-old girl that gave birth to me.

Nobody… in my corner.

Once again… one more reason why she never should have been allowed to bring me home from the hospital.

She was just a kid.  She had no sense about her.  She had no clue about standing up for a child… defending a child.

She ended up out in the world… having to defend her own self… as a child.  And nobody ever bothered to instill any good… positive values into her psyche.

The Domino Effect was real.  And in my case… completely destructive.

I’ve worked so hard… over the past 5 years… trying to go find Teresa… and reclaim her.  And stop the cycle.

Years of damage can’t be fixed in a couple years.  Open wounds show up for others… as well as myself.

I can only say this.  I’m aware that it’s my responsibility to heal myself.  Anyone else has free will to choose… whether or not… they want to heal themselves.

It all comes down to how much you truly care about yourself.  How much self-respect means to you.  How badly you want the pain to go away.

And sometimes… the work load required for achieving that… requires total separation from all things that awaken all the pain.  A human can only handle so much.

I’m being a mother to myself.  Because I never had one.

And on a side note… THIS is something all you so-called Pro-Lifers need to consider.

Because you’re really no Pro-Lifer.

You disappear after the births.

As I just said… NOBODY in my corner.

I had my aunt and uncle as an infant… until my Dad came along when I was only 16-months-old.  Why?  Because of the laws… of course.  They couldn’t be there as much as they wanted.  But they were there for me as much as they could be.

And they were just a young newly married couple, themselves.

So get off your Unicorns and get real.  Either get all the way in.  Or… get out!!

Because I’m living proof of the leftovers from the devastation.

Chew on that… while I get back on topic.

I’m protecting and defending my Identity… giving it a safe place to heal… and finally… gain a chance to develop… grow… mature.

In a world obsessed with labels… I choose my surname for that umbrella I’m standing under.

What am I?

I’m becoming.

And I now have that shell needed for encasing all that I am.

Teresa Marie Tavares.

 

Conversations

My readings are telling me this next few days will be about looking back over my life.  Things coming up to the top.  Revelations.

Mind blowing.  Humiliating realizations.

Everything shows how it’s all connected to the here and now.

Things I’m trying to heal.

Searching for all the answers to, “What the hell is this about?”

I’ve always understood that communication was necessary.  Especially in relationships.

I’ve realized I spent so much of my life under somebody else’s thumb without knowing how to stand up for myself… even communication became an issue.

Wow.  It goes back to being told as a child, “Children are to be seen and not heard.”

I was never allowed to speak unless spoken to.  Well… beyond knowing when it was okay to ask if I could do something.

I was never worth a conversation.  Just answer the questions.

Just the facts.

Oh, my gosh… jump to age 20 years.

Ray Bell.  THIS is why I was always falling asleep when we spent hours having conversations!!

I was in such a good place!  I was so relaxed!  Finally… someone that could relate to things that wandered around inside my head all my life!

We… actually had conversations.  And… you participated.  You injected.  You could lead.  It was equal participation.

And they were deep… intellectual… awesome conversations.

Yeah… we won’t talk about the ones… you had… when you were drunk and loaded.  *snicker*

I’m not lying!  It is what it is!  It happened!

Don’t feel bad.  They were all funny!

And then… jump to 21 years later… when the story of my recent divorce began.

I was married to a man for almost 18 years… together for a year before marriage.

And looking back… we never had one single conversation… unless it was about something happening at that hangar that pissed you off.

Anything else was like… a business meeting.  Discussion of plans… progress… snags… resolution.

Resolution.  HA!  There was only one… always.  That look on your face.  My next thought… “Yeah, here we go again.  He’s gonna pull a Dwayne.”

The rest of it was the fight to get something done half-ass.  Because everything was done so half-ass.  And to accomplish anything meant going through a fight.

Not just the photos of all the projects that were never finished, either.  It was everything.  Everything about that marriage.  If it didn’t require a power tool… it was up to me to get it accomplished.

Or… not even waste my time.

I had to pick my battles.

And I own half of it all… because I put up with the crap.

But all that isn’t what even matters to me.  Not anymore… anyway.

What matters to me is… the overall reality of the fact that we never had one single… deep… intellectual… personal conversation between us.

Your idea of participation was… answering questions… as little as possible.

Just the facts.

Whatever came to fruition… came from Dwayne’s head… to half-ass.

It was his way… or… do it yourself.  And that applied to… everything.

Another phase in my life of… just the facts.

Yeah.

This is not Teresa.  That never was Teresa.

And Teresa will not live through that kind of abandonment anymore.

THIS is me now… standing in my truth.

I love having conversations… between two people… both participating.

Deep… intellectual… serious… fun… imaginary… hilarious… heartfelt… loving… kind… genuine… sincere… conversations.

All the beautiful words that describe beautiful conversations between two people in a relationship.

The idea of a man reaching out to me… to fill me in on his thoughts or ideas.

I like this!

Being interested in what goes on inside my head.  (Oh, boy… that could be a jump off a cliff.)

Being curious enough to seek my opinion about things.

Choosing a topic and venturing toward each other’s insights… to see if we meet in the middle on common ground with a same conclusion.

Refusing to settle for less than compromise comfortable for each other.

About anything.  About everything.

When the conversations become something enjoyed by both of us.

Something that becomes important to both of us… enough that we look forward to having more of them.

Important enough that we come to crave them.

Important enough that it feels like we’re taking turns… stopping the world and stealing time for one of those conversations.

When clocks and oceans aren’t even allowed to get in the way.

Communication is a good thing.

My favorite kind of Conversations are like… a really good home-cooked meal.

And the best of them come from… Reciprocity.

Look the word up in the Dictionary.

You’ll even find kindness and love… there.

One of Those Aha Moments

These days I spend a lot of time driving from county to county.  I’ve found there’s a lot to take care of on the tail end… now that this divorce is final.

The days always feel so different for me.  Strange.

Just when I begin to feel the ground under my feet… a thought… just one single thought can leave me feeling the ground under my butt.

And the wind knocked out of me… until the tears show up.

I am so happy to be divorced… finally.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not that.  I don’t even feel anger towards Dwayne.

I think I began working on moving beyond anger by the time I could say out loud, “I want a divorce.”

By the time we finished with Mediation… I let go of the anger and hatred before I walked out of the attorney’s office.

They say you still have feelings for someone you’ve loved… if you feel anything.

It’s not over until you feel… nothing.

I can’t say I’ve made it there… yet.

I still roll my eyes.

I don’t even want THAT to happen when his name is mentioned.

And don’t get me wrong.  I WILL get there.  Mark my word.

I will get there.

But… that’s only one layer.  All the driving gives me time to think.  It’s like things are purging from deep inside.

And these are things that… I think I finally get it.

I’m feeling waves and waves of… damage… swelling up and hitting me… one after another.  Like a perfect storm.

This has become very disturbing to me.  I keep asking myself, “Where is all of this coming from?”

But one thing I feel so… absolutely… sure about… is this.

I know me… and my heart… well enough to know… this is junk that I can’t even consider taking into another relationship.

I’m so blown away to feel how much more keeps coming up from pits in my heart and mind that were so tightly hidden.

Maybe other people can.  I don’t know.  I only know I don’t have the stomach for going there.

I think I… finally get it.

I said I could love someone without them.  I said I could protect that love from even them.

This love… means too much to me.  It’s so important to me.  It’s a love that came out of nowhere.  It was totally unexpected.  This love even frightened me enough that I tried running away.  It’s a love that I have never felt before… in my whole entire life.

Today I learned… I need to protect that love… from me.

Today I learned… I can love… but not be ready.

It’s my responsibility to protect this love.  Because I know all that it deserves.

To poison this love… I would deserve to burn.

I need time to heal.

I can unravel hate… all the way down to… nothing.

But this love… cannot be unsewn.

More importantly… this is not required.

And I can… still… not be ready.

But I can heal… make myself ready… while protecting this love.

And THIS… gives me peace.

( The Wisdom of The Oracle card #33 came up… in reverse… meaning I should adhere to the Protection Message.  You can read it by clicking here. )

Snuffing Out Guilt with Truth

Okay… so, you’ve made a mistake of some sort.  Big or small… immaterial.  A mistake is a mistake.

Or… is it?

In this world… from the time we are toddlers until we die… this world tells us mistakes carry various levels of earned punitive guilt.  And of course… most of us have experienced people having differing opinions about how much we should feel guilty and be punished for a mistake.

Read that again.

Let it sink in.

Look back.

Have you ever noticed before?

Do you see it now?

The cruelty we inflict on ourselves and each other is so wrong.  How we respond and react is even worse.

Look… how many times have YOU even made these statements?

“We’re never too old to learn.”

“We’re here to live and learn.”

“If we’re not learning… we may as well be dead.”

But this world makes a lot of money by conditioning us to think this statement.

“Every misdeed receives punishment.”

You do this… you get that.  You feel this way… unless you stop doing this… and go in another direction.

Are we really learning anything from this?

Were we really put on this planet to learn about consequences… and nothing else?

So many of us are so jacked up inside our minds… just from this one detail in our lives.

Look… it’s time to see the reality of a so-called… mistake.

We were put on this planet for learning about life.

God would never put us here for being punished whenever we fart in the wrong damn direction.

People on this planet have taken God’s purpose and twisted it… to make a LOT of money from it.  And they begin the conditioning from the time we are toddlers.

The truth is…

We need to throw out the word ‘mistake’.  Time to start throwing the money mongers off their game.

Bottom line… it’s AN EXPERIENCE.  You get choices.  If you make the wrong choice… the consequences come to you.

However… those consequences come way before any cop… any courtroom… any judge… and prison.

And we’ve all been conditioned to completely overlook those consequences… by the money mongers.

The true consequences sit inside your heart.  And it’s up to you to see them.  Sometimes… it takes the feelings of others impacted by your choices to help you see those consequences.

And LEARN the LESSON.

The lesson is THE END GAME.

If we all existed in this life God sent us to experience… doing everything perfectly… what would there be to learn?

Let that sink in.

You have free will.  You have choices.  You can choose not looking to find the consequences inside your heart.

You can choose to refuse learning the lesson.

But THAT is where you meet up with God.  He always gets the last word.  It’s always good.  He is the Father.  He raises His children to help them learn the lesson.

It’s when we choose to see the negativity in a choice we’ve made.  That brings the learning from a lesson.

And People… THAT is why we’re all here.

It’s that simple.

It’s the truth.

Guilt only has a proper place when we choose to repeat making the same negative choices in any experience.

And THAT sucks all the energy out of our bodies and our experience of being in this life.

Even life-changing negative choices should be forgiven by others… once you learn the lesson from inside your heart and choose the choice that reciprocates only positive towards the universe.

If they refuse to forgive with kindness… see that as a lesson that THEY are needing to learn.

And weed them from your garden until that happens.

Never stand in the presence of those needing to learn lessons from negatives they are throwing at you.  You become an obstacle in their path of learning in this life.

This world calls that ‘enabling’.

There is nothing sweeter on this earth for me… than watching someone recognize their wrong choice… taking the time to learn the lesson… and moving forward in a positive direction.

That’s when I forgive.  That’s when I love forgiving!!

Forgiveness… this world says we should forgive… even when we don’t receive the apology.

I totally disagree.

It does not help serve the world when that person is out there… continuing with the same choices that bring negative impact on others.

That person is not being served with kindness when we choose to become an obstacle in their path in this life experience.

We stop them from the opportunity of being able to learn the lesson… when we just toss forgiveness to them.

Forgiveness IS to be earned by learning a lesson.

Being kind includes getting out of the way so a person can learn a lesson.

Reciprocity… Look it up in the Dictionary.  This world survives on love… gentleness… kindness.

Try dishing out some of your own!

 

( This oracle card came out in reverse for me this morning… meaning the Protection Message applies in my circumstances.  Click Here to read… and learn!)