I’m Gonna Be Okay

I got the back windshield replaced on my Putt-Putt!!!

I’m so tickled!  Next on the list… having it Detailed.  And then… we head up to Rusty Wallace KIA in Alcoa.  The usual mileage maintenance… brand new passenger side mirror assembly… and 4 brand new all-weather tires!

I’ve been knocking out lists since last Tuesday.  Just… taking care of business.  Doing the right thing.

Deposited the rent into my landlord’s bank account.  Mailed off a cashier’s check to pay back my aunt and uncle.  Bought a new mail box.  I’m hoping and praying I don’t have to cut off a portion of the 4″ x 4″ post that’s already there.  Otherwise… I may have to cave in and go pick up one of the power tool bundle sets from Lowe’s a little earlier than I wanted.

But the lists never end.  Yes, indeed.  And I’ll just keep knocking them out.

It feels so good to watch every task disappear.  I feel lighter every time I scratch through one of the items.  I’ve been running my butt all over the place… taking care of a lot of things… besides what I mention.

But… That’s who I am.

And still… I made time to reach out to somebody really wonderful… somebody so important in my life… with some truth… only out of love.

Seeds are planted.  Ball’s in their court.  You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink… and all that yada-yada stuff.

From this point… I’ve done my part.  They’re in God’s hands.  But I will always pray for them.  And I will always love them.  This person deserves to find healing and truth.  They deserve to find peace that stops all the running from themselves.

It’s not for me to sit and wait.  I move forward.  God says, “Well… We tried, Hon.  Maybe in the next life.”

And I’m perfectly okay with that.

I deserve to be happy.  I deserve love.  I deserve being Teresa.  I deserve to have fun!  I deserve getting back out there in this world and plugging in, again!

I’ve been looking back… trying to figure out where the electric cord fell out of the wall of life in my journey.  Ya’ know?  Where did that first step away from being so comfortable in my skin take place?

When I uprooted and left Manteca, California… May, 2000.  I never should have done that.  Like falling into an old abandoned water well with no bottom.

Would I do it today?  HAHAHAHA!  Are you kidding me?

I love living in East Tennessee.  It’s meant for me to be here.

I can feel that this morning.

This… is the good that has come out of a really dark 19 years of my life.

I’m never giving this up for anybody.

Too many gorgeous roads around here for two wheels!  Too many good people!

Too many great possibilities!

And being kind is received by others with warm hearts and open arms.

Being Kind… On the top of… My Forever list!

But take notice…

This wench isn’t sitting on any railroad tracks!

RECIPROCITY… Look it up in the Dictionary.  This world survives on love… gentleness… kindness.

Try dishing out some of your own!

Queen of Swords is Dancin’!

Sometimes… life throws a garage full of things at someone.  Everybody handles the situation differently.  I tend to think the end result shows who they are.

And so it goes… this past week has been me… just trying to do the right thing.

I have not done so alone.  I give love… thanks and gratitude to God, Himself… my Spirit Guides… the Angels… and my whole family over on the other side.  Even Artist and Zucker.

Yes.  The beautiful spirits of a Bull and a Miniature Schnauzer went with me to mediation for settlement in divorce.  Not one single soul on this planet went with me… besides my Attorney.  But… there was a load of support from the other side that left no room for anyone from this planet.

And for the record… all the Casteels from Texas City, Texas now thriving over on the other side… were there.  So was Skippy Bullard.  I have always said… “When we die and go to the other side we all learn all the truths.  Everything makes sense.  And we face what we cannot come back and fix.”

Well… I was wrong about not being able to come back and fix things.  They gave me peace when I asked if it was okay to request being returned to my maiden name I was given at birth… so I could finally use it… for the first time in my life.

In the middle of this… My Daddy helped me understand why he turned me down when I was younger and asked him to adopt me.  He was all I knew of a father.  Raised me from the time I was only 16 months old.

This last name thing was an important subject for both of us.  But we lose our egos when we go to the other side.  And we find love.  Even if we feel like we never really found it on this planet while we were here.  In turn… I think my Daddy chose to give me what he was able to receive, himself.

He was… always… a giving man when it really counted.

We shot straight in the mediation.  And we won.

I showed up on a wing and a prayer.  No insurance.  Busted windshield.  Thanks a lot, Dwayne.  And just enough cash to cover the cost for mediation.  Thank GOD AND ME.

All I could think about was getting it over with… so I could just… go get insurance for my Putt-Putt and… finally… get it registered in my name.  No more hanging it over my head for manipulation and control.

Since September 16, 2019… I have been on the road… just trying to do the right thing.  Of course it came with fighting stupidity.  Living in this world would be too boring without healthy stupidity creating ridiculous hoops for people to jump through… securing a few paychecks protected by a bunch of lead in the back pockets of recipients.

I know that will make perfect sense to a few intelligent people.

I’ve managed to get my Putt-Putt registered in my name – get insurance – do some grocery shopping – go to therapy – and schedule a whole mess of pertinent appointments.

I’m scheduled to get the back windshield replaced tomorrow.  I’ve scheduled for having 4 new tires mounted/balanced, etc. – a new passenger mirror assembly mounted – and regular mileage maintenance on my Putt-Putt with Rusty Wallace Kia in Alcoa.

Yeah… I’ve never wrecked one of my cars.  That is… until I started dodging hammers from somebody I only thought I knew.  First time ever.  But it could have been a LOT worse.  Paint and Body shop’s easy fix.

Somewhere in that mix… after the windshield gets replaced… I’m scheduling to have that poor thing detailed.  She looks as rough as I feel after all this nightmare.

I’ve been able to… finally… reschedule my appointment with my Ophthalmologist and get my glaucoma drops called in to the pharmacy.  Pick up cashier’s checks for the landlord and paying back my aunt and uncle for helping me.

I ordered checks.  But here’s the funny part.  They won’t be in for a couple weeks.  And… I’ll have to order new checks.

I’m waiting for the final decree to be recorded in Loudon County.  Then… I go pick up a few certified copies from the Clerk’s office in Loudon County.  At that point… I begin this whole new trip around the world to have everything in my name changed to Teresa Marie Tavares.

Social Security – Drivers License – Bank – Utilities – Doctors – the friggin’ Internet.

Yeah.  I know.

I’m sending out new address cards to a lot of places where I do business.  And they’ll all have the portion of the divorce decree that shows I’ve been granted return of my maiden name.  But of course… some will require my body to walk through the door and produce the actual… certified copies.

More driving.  More sitting in line.  More waiting.  More late dinners.

Did I celebrate?  Not like most people might.  No DD available.

I was starving by the time we got out of mediation.  I had only 2 minutes to spare… God as my witness… by the time I made it to the bank.  I’m tellin’ y’all… I’m good at this crap.  I’ve just been… under oppression for the past 19 damn years!!

I looked across the street and… “Voila’!”  My favorite.  Bella’s!!  Salmon and Scallops!!  Yessss!!

Toys?

I wanna buy a Harley so badly… it’s biting on my butt… so damn badly!  I know Smoky Mountain Harley Davidson will take good care of me.  I’ll be able to take the classes and all.  And I don’t care if it cramps asses flipping me off right now.  I’m doin’ it.  Mark my word.

But for right now… I just want to get… the other serious priorities… out of the way, first.

I need to get all this bureaucracy out of the way, first.  After that… focus on making a decision about going to work somewhere.

I’ve already made one solid decision that holds NO compromise. Period.  I REFUSE to work any stinkin’ part-time job… ever again… for the rest of my damn life.  If they can’t guarantee me a minimum of 40 hours per week… they don’t deserve me.  End of that conversation.

But then again… I may not even decide to go work for somebody else.  I just may keep myself… all for myself!  By God… I know I’ll give me 40 hours per week… AND benefits!

Toys?

Yeah… I got one of the other two left on my list… today.  This came at a really great time for me.  Part of my healing.

I have wanted one of these forever!  And it was like… it was just meant for me to have this.

Found it on Craigslist.  Wonderful lady met me near Oak Ridge to do the swap.  Informed me… this little treasure was being passed from one Theresa… to another Teresa.

It belonged to her mother… who never stopped long enough to even use it on one project.  I feel another angel has been watching over me.  And I am so honored to have this treasure in my hands.  I will do my very best for both of us!!

Imagine this… a future biker… who also dives in to heirloom sewing.

Yeaaahhhh!  My Libra Energy!  Going to Balance those Scales!

Ohhh.  And that third toy…

Jeff Rains…. I’m coming after you!  You’re gonna give me my first.

“snicker”

People… if you ever wanna be good at something…. Be Kind.  And learn how to love.

RECIPROCITY…. Look it up!  Dish some out!

When You Just Know

Back when I was living in Maryville, Tennessee… I loved going to Metro Pizza.    I live too far to head there on a weekly basis… like I would have done… had I been divorced then.

Sal.  I adored him!  He’d sit at a table with his beer… while he let his ‘students’ practice all he’d taught them.  Yeah… beer. Ha!

I struggled with eating my Calzone while keeping one eye on him.  I liked paying attention to him.  He was funny!  He was VERY charming!  And I could tell… he was very wise.

I’d love the chance to sit and talk with him right now.  I’d drive him crazy with questions.  I think the first question would be, “Tell me, Sal.  What were the difficulties of your life in Italy that pushed you to cross oceans and come all the way here to this gluttonous nation?”

I have no idea what the details would be.  But… I’d bet on relating to the core in the body of his childhood.

This is something we all have in common… no matter where we come from… no matter where our childhood existed.

If one removes labels… removes status.  Imagine us all as humans that become adults walking out of this enclosed courtyard… through giant wooden doors that fit castles… to venture out into the open world that we’ve been gifted.  If we all become honest enough to look deeply and long enough… we’d discover PTSD in each and every one of us… on some level or another.

Geographical circumstances bear no difference.

It’s difficult when you are a human being that has taken the time to deal with your own.  Taking that journey to find your truth… reclaim yourself… stand in your power that you’ve removed from the hands of others.

The challenge is incredible… treacherous… painful… even frightening.  The ultimate accomplishment sits inside mustering up the courage… to jump off many cliffs… just to feel the solid ground under your feet.

Getting to the other side of it all… priceless AND precious.

Welcoming those mornings of waking up to feeling peace… joy… excitement… gratitude… thankfulness… love.  All being gifted to yourself… before you take that next breath that will set you off to sharing with anyone else on the planet and into the universe.

It’s called Self-love.  The reward for healing the inner-child… so you can fulfill the other half of the universe’s intention.  Sharing all that love you have… to give… and receive… with a partner in life.

This world conditions us with so many restrictive and negative nonsensical ‘rules of engagement’ for being a human being.  The truth behind it all… Just follow the money and follow the history.  Some things never change.  And too many generations have never been trained to consider the fact that manipulative practices have existed since Day One.  The difference is… the last word that God always gets… is always good.

God has tried cleaning up the mess until He’s blue in the face.  He tried the flood.  He sent Jesus.  You never saw Jesus shoving an offering plate in everybody’s face.  But he sure knew how to stretch a few fish and loaves of bread among the multitudes sitting right there at His feet.  And he never got a day off to go to Belize.

God even tried throwing in the Book of Revelations. (That’s been twisted from a father’s fair warning into a solid telling of the future… also for the sake of that offering plate) by churches… who preach that fortune telling is a sin… from one side of their mouth… while shoving it down your throat that you better get under the covers with their church because everything in Revelations is prophesized as a definite event… coming out of the other side of their mouth.

Think about that one.

Did you ever experience… one day in your life as a child… when your father told you… “I want you home by 7pm tomorrow night… because I’m going to take you to an inch from your death.”  ????????

Now… correct me if I’m wrong.  But I believe father’s practiced fair warnings from the time you could crawl.  “Don’t touch that.  It’ll burn your fingers.”

“I’ll smack your fingers if you touch that plug.”

“I’ll whip your butt if you break a window in this house.”

“I’ll leave your butt in jail, if you get stupid enough to put yourself in there.”

IF….

Beyond the Book of Revelations… I think God has given us free will to choose killing each other off.  Are you seeing this truth, yet?

Think about that.  I need to get back on topic.

We all end up with a little bit of PTSD coming out of childhood.  Every family has their own closet filled with skeletons.  No escaping that.  Because we’re all human beings.

And nobody is perfect.

Our hope lies within ourselves.  Finding that one thread we can pull… that will begin to unravel all the nasty woven conditioning that has robbed us from being able to recognize and reunite with our true authentic self…. The absolute secret to finding the path of love… to heal our inner-child… so we can love ourselves… and others.  So we can feel safe about choosing a prospective life partner that we want to fall in love with… share reciprocity.

My journey has taken me to so many answers.  So much clarity.  So many rewards.  Peace.  Calmness.  A loving heart without lack of trust.  Courage.  Strength.  Finding my value.  Standing in my truth without fear.  Knowing and honoring what is best for me.  Living my life for the highest good of all.  Serving others.

That last one is a very difficult one for me at the moment.  Painful.

To reach this side and get a good taste of it all.  You only want to help someone else get a taste of it.  But…

What do you do… when you know in your heart… there is a particular person that has absolutely no reason not to trust you… believe you… feel safe enough to just unload everything crossing their mind into your lap while you just listen?

What do you do… when you just know?  You’ve put yourself in an imaginary scenario where you’re forced to make a choice.  And you can actually claim… without a second thought… “Yeah.  I could do it.”  You would die for them.

But they’re too afraid to stop running from having to feel anything in that safe haven.

I’ve been on both sides of the fence.

And right now… I’m leaning on my favorite slogans I learned in Al-a-teen.

“Let go and Let God.”

“One Day at a Time.”

“Teresa… are you referring to the man you’re divorcing?”

Are you joking?  I would have to be out of my ever-loving mind to do something like that.  I’m getting out of a marriage that’s been more dead than The Dead Sea for over a decade.

NO.  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  Never again. NOT happening.  He is in God’s hands.

I choose living in my truth.

I pray.  I breathe… while standing in faith.  I send my love through the universe.  And I wait for them to catch up in their own journey.  I stand firm in believing and trusting God’s seeing to it that they do so.  Because they… truly… deserve to feel love and happiness.

“This… or something better… now manifests for me… in divine… appropriate timing.”

(Thank you, Colette!)

The Ashes are Stirring

This morning has been overwhelming in the area of emotion.  Listening to Tarot with Tilly… her upload for this morning’s collective reading… everything I was experiencing in the morning began making perfect sense.

Right off the bat… resisting Alan.  I could feel him thinking of me.  And for the first time… I didn’t want to feel that.

The tears just overwhelmed me.

This resistance coming from inside me felt so strange.  It was confusing.  Resisting and sobbing at the same time.  Yet… I welcomed both.

Lately, I’ve been very withdrawn.  Deliberately.  I’ve needed time alone.  I know I’m going through a strong period of time in my life where I’m shedding my skin… releasing all those in my world that have not been for my highest good.  Those that have only entered moments in my life when they needed something from me.  Those that have always expected my presence in their lives and giving them the support they need.  When the end result has been… they have never been there for me in return.

You know who you are.

It is true… you can count your true friends on one hand.  I love you, Deb.  This shoe I’m throwing this morning does not fit you.

And I love… and thank God for my Aunt Judy and Uncle Danny.

I could not figure out why I found myself moving around the house… doing things… setting up dishes to wash… clearing tables… unpacking… organizing… while just sobbing the whole time.

And then it dawned on me.  I recognized  EXACTLY where I was standing… while living in my now.  I realize why I am here in this solitude… withdrawn… going within to be with my inner-child… while I deal with this divorce and all the loss.

I’ve been here before.  It is my safe place.  But it is a different place in my eyes and heart this morning.  Because I see a LOT of ‘house cleaning’ that I need to do.

There is another whole level of healing in this safe place for me to tend.  Healing before cutting cords… to honor courage… knowledge… truth.  Standing in my own… rather than succumbing to the opinions of others.

Total disregard of my own choices… desires… wishes… decisions… everything I feel is best for me.  So many years of subjecting myself to allowing others to force their own onto me.  Many times being left behind to suffer terrible consequences… while they walked away.

No more.  It comes to an end.  I feel driven to Shed that damage… and come out on the other side with Strength in all the goodness that makes me who I really am… The Soul nobody has ever bothered to dig deep and discover.

I’ve learned through Tarot that there are cords which connect our existence in the now… all the way back to our childhood.  In my case… I see clearly now… where those cords grew very thick in my marriage.  Looking further back… I see the common denominator with their existence in my childhood.

I’m in my safe place right now… because I’m free to give myself the love and support… emotional contact… that every soul needs… wants… requires… deserves… to share with others.  It was so absent in my marriage… same as in my childhood… and even now.

Eddie Altum was the last person to ever give me a really good hug.  What… the year 2000… as far as I can remember.

The absence of reciprocity… looks like some sewage reservoir that has existed as one of the most profound areas in my being… all my life.

My safe place is where I’ve always gone to hide.  I could go there… when I wanted to get away from having to give anything of myself… to all others that only cared enough to take from me.

And in the case of my marriage… I woke up one morning… understanding the declaration from my heart and mind warning me… that they just did not have one more drop… to give.

I’ve come to peace with my decision of… “Fine.  You have nothing to give in return?  I have nothing more to give of myself to you.”

That has become a very healing truth coin I keep in my pocket.

I have gained very deep pockets.  And I am earning many versions of the Coins of Reciprocity I only wish to carry.

I am a human being… before I am anyone else… to anyone else on this planet.

And Dane Hart is absolutely correct.  “It is my right to live my truth and NOT have it affected by ANYONE else.”

Yet… when that well of giving begins to swell again… it craves finding someone… to give to.  So willing.  So able.  So tender.  So damaged.  So blind.

But all that giving lands… once again… in the lap of… desperate takers.  Filling their boredom… entertaining their ego… who knows.

But this woman no longer cares.  Everything… is changing.  That sewage reservoir is disappearing.

She can have her own feelings of love for others… and protect them from those very souls.  Refusing to give all that love to them… to keep them from taking it.

Taking all she is… and all she has to give… for granted.  Abusing it… giving nothing in return… walking away until… they need from her again.

Devastating and destroying the God-given goodness… of the soul from which they merely robbed.

No more.  Never again.  Not even my Spiritual Twin-Flame will cause me any further hurt and pain.  I’ve reached the point of resisting… with more than enough strength… from that very first clench in my heart… caused by him thinking of me.

You want a war honoring your Selfishness?  You got it.  Whomever you may be.

And you lose.  Because right now… my level of selfishness is way too strong for you to conquer robbing me of all the love I feel inside.

And that’s why… I feel so comfortable and safe in my place of solitude and healing.  The ashes are stirring.  Strength grows there.  And there is nothing… and nobody… that will ever succeed getting inside there… ever again.

I am all mine.

I will come to the other side of this.  But this time… Any strength in me seen before by anyone… will amount to bread crumbs… compared to what is rising inside me now.

I will no longer… need… anyone… to love me.  I will be enough love for me.

I ALREADY AM enough.

Serious Deadline – August 2, 2019

I’m one of those people that try to handle my own crap.  This ‘amicable’ divorce has been one of them.  I’ve been fairly silent while trying to handle things.  But I’m backed against a wall and can no longer stay silent.

I need Angels.  It’s time to step out of the box… like a Rebel.

When we discussed divorce in November, 2018… his very first move next morning was to go to work and contact Benefits and have his Beneficiary changed over to his nephew.  A few days later… he cried… begged me to help him with the cattle until March, 2019.  I agreed.

March came.  My part of the deal was completed.  I went to find a job.  I guess he was shocked that I got the job I wanted.  Who knows.  All I know is what happened next.  He became very nasty.

Like everything else… the idea of looking at me to get the ball rolling on an idea that fell into his head.  His idea was his decision… as far as he was concerned.  Papers would be printed off the Internet, we would sign them, get one attorney… to file the papers… and I would just leave with whatever he didn’t want to take with him to Missouri.

And that included every dime he hid in another bank account without giving me access.

In the meantime… he paid off the loan he got on a Zero-turn mower that appeared out of nowhere in our basement garage.  He spent a few grand on his 1-ton Ram Dually.

He paid off the KIA Soul (he said the balance was around $6,000.00)… which was HIS choice for me to have for a car of my own.  He paid it off.  But has refused to put the car in my name.  And then forced me to pay for renewing the tags this year.

His decision to walk away from the house and let it foreclose changed… after I had put up with him pushing me to find the attorney to get the papers printed and filed… yada, yada.

“When are you gonna get busy?  When are we gonna do this?”  That has ALWAYS… WITHOUT FAILURE… meant in reality… when would me, myself and I… make whatever fell into in his head happen.

Well… I made things happen.  I went and got an attorney.  And that… thoroughly… pissed… him… off.  Bottom line, he never expected me to become a little wise.

Hindsight is 20-20, always.  And when I look back now… I should have packed suitcases for Jen and myself and forced him to pay for plane tickets back to California… when his 16 year old daughter informed me that the divorce between him and her mother was not final… first month we were living in Tennessee.  He had lied to me.  I believed him.  I trusted him.  I gave in to moving to Tennessee to build a life with him.

THIS will NEVER happen to me… ever again.

Once he knew I’d gone to retain an attorney…. he realized I’d been informed of all my rights in the distribution of marital assets.  His first thought was of not having the cash he thought he’d have for buying his big farm in Missouri.  He’d have to get a loan.  He’d need to keep his credit  intact.  (Of course… I’d been told for years, “You don’t need to worry about your credit score.”)

So he changes his mind and decides to  put the house up for sale.  Without saying a word to me… knowing that my name is on the Deed to the house… I come home from work one evening and he tells me that he needs me to help him get the house ready because somebody’s coming to look at the house.  He had already hooked up with Real Estate Agents.  They had already been to our house… while I was at work.

People ask me why I signed the papers given to me by him and the real estate agents.  Trust me… there are realities to the truth that you would not be able to wrap your head around.  I am learning about a person I married and never knew existed.

The only action he performed in March was putting in his retirement notice… never telling me until the last week of March.  All our insurance fell out at the end of April.

I’m working an average of 16-hours-per-week at Home Depot, making $11.00 per hour.  Jennifer’s off on one of her little unbalanced moments in life.  And frankly… I can’t handle her drama right now.  I have no other family here.

I have no friends.  That’s another thing he managed to accomplish.  Isolating me from all his coworkers and acquaintances.  But… I can say this.  After working for that Airline for 27 years… his last day was like every other day there.  Not even a cake.  No thank-you… nothing.

I’m not able to go to my doctor for checkups.  I’m paying for my therapy appointment.  I have to pay for my meds… all this compliments of everything I’ve endured with him.  I was able to stop taking my blood pressure meds 2 days after asking for the divorce.  But my blood pressure has been back up and I can’t afford to go to the doctor to get checked out.

I’ve had to pay for gas in the car.  I’m probably gonna have pay for insurance… and God knows what else now.

All the photos I’ve posted on my Facebook page and Instagram… of all the things I’ve done in my life here, while married to this man.  Handling cattle by myself.  Raising vegetables and chickens for eggs and food to can, freeze and dehydrate.  All the errands… grocery shopping, trips to Costco… covering up to 5 counties in East Tennessee to find vaccines… even feed at times.

Having to get a neighbor to help me cart a newborn calf into the barn during a nasty storm loaded with lightning.  Coaxing the bull back into his paddock after he broke through the fence.  Mowing acreage because it grew too fast before his next day off.

Laundry… cleaning… cooking…  too busy for making new friends.  While he was pulling pranks on coworkers inside a hangar.  If I called for help… “I’m at work.  I can’t leave.”

And dealing with it all… around shift changes during the year… which forced me to work around it… or… wait around it… and led to me being the one getting the least amount of sleep.  Finally… I put a stop to me getting up at 2:30am to fix his damn lunches.  I decided it was time for him to be a big boy and fix his own damn lunches… so I could get some sleep.

I came home from work this past Friday evening.  Found a Penske Moving Box Truck in the yard.  He left out of here on Saturday.  Said he’d be back for the rest of his things and the cows in a week.

Every time I’ve asked him for money to help me move… his answer has been, “My attorney says, No.”

We close on August 2, 2019.  I sit here packing and going to work… knowing I have to bring a minimum of $500.00 with me to the Mediation… which was scheduled on August 13th (soooo conveniently) by HIS attorney…. AFTER the closing on the house.)  Yesterday I was informed the date for Mediation has now been moved up to mid-September.

I need Angels.  Are there any out there?

 

Looking Deep for Love Inside

 

I made a run up to the Little Pigeon River and made the loop around Cades Cove a few days ago.  I needed to blow out some cobwebs and clear my heart and mind.  Spring flowers… the flow of the water… just wandering through the trees helps.

Brings that childlike innocence of adventuring in nature back to my center.  Best kind of vitamin for me.

Winter has been strange this year.  Spring is looking very strange around the park.  Like the feel of February.

Everything is taking it’s sweet time waking up.  I was there on Friday.  And I said then… that it felt like all the trees were saying we’re not quite ready, yet.  Normally… we should be seeing all the greenery popping under the canopies… flower buds preparing to burst open.

Sunday morning… sure enough.  Coming back from town I could see all the snow on the mountains.

But even the mountains seem to possess that same little secret I’ve used for a survival tool all my life.  “Even in the worst of situations… it simply takes searching a little deeper to find the good… the positive.”

The closer I got to the ground… the more hope I began finding!

Sometimes… you just have to keep searching… to find everything that lives inside you.  Like a game of Hide ‘n Seek… once it sees you… the love finally lets go and brings that smile to your face and joy in your heart!

It Feels Like…

… that eighth month of pregnancy.

Patience.  Waiting on Devine Timing.  I think I understand the struggles of a recovering addict.

Got the job I wanted!

I start next month.

Found the house I wanted!  Perfect for me!  Right in town!  Finally… city utilities!!  Buh-bye septic!  Close to my new job!  Been on the market for almost a year!

Somebody puts a contract on it… the very first day I go in for training.

Three-day out-of-body experience.

Pulling feathers out of my butt.  Full Monte cussing and yelling rant while pacing all around the house. The chinking doesn’t really do much for the logs.  But the glass in those windows must be pretty thick.

Phase 2.  Quiet and angry.  At least I’m being quiet.

Phase 3.  Sad.

Phase 4.  Finally.  The crying begins.  The dam breaks.  And I just let it go… feeling the disappointment pouring out.  Get it out of my system so I can get back up again.

With all that’s gone on for so long… it was long overdue and I just could not remain peaceful to pacify the planet.

But I got back up.

Just as I kept going back for interviews until I got that job… I’ll keep window shopping for houses until God finally bends!!!

In the meantime… I’m repotting everything I can get my hands on.  And I bring something else home to repot… every time I hit a store. 🙅

Nothing wrong with bringing something home to shower with love and kindness!😉

Paychecks Do Not Define My Qualifications

My greatest challenge in my journey to reclaim Teresa after almost 18 years of marriage… is stepping into the workforce to support myself financially.  This is the longest period of time I’ve gone without having a job where someone hands me a paycheck.

That does not mean I haven’t been employed.  Farms and ranches hire and pay people to do what I’ve been doing.  I just happen to be that farmer/rancher… on a smaller scale.

However… that job also shared me with all the tasks on the domestic front.  And when you live in a rural area… you become one of the Oil Industry’s sweetest customers.  You burn a lot of gas driving around several counties… grocery shopping… loading 50 lb. and 100 lb. sacks of feed… hunting down veterinary vaccines and other health aids… your own medical appointments… you name it.

And you still have all those other errands that we all tend to in city life.  Hair salon appointments… shopping for clothing and shoes… cultural events.  Just a few examples.

I have worked harder than any job where I’ve ever collected a paycheck… including working on that tarmac at McGhee-Tyson Airport.

Cattle do not care if there is a foot of mud in the paddock… the hotwire fencing is covered in a half-inch insulation of pure ice… rain is coming sideways like a solid blanket… temperatures are 110* Fahrenheit…. or… -16* fahrenheit.  They need to eat.  And they can’t feed themselves.

I’ve set up excel sheets for each animal.  Healthcare… Breeding… Birthing.  I’ve maintained keeping track of serial and lot numbers of all pharmaceuticals administered to our animals.

NO… we don’t use antibiotics and such… until they become ill.  And we’ve only had two cases in all these years.  But we do immunize for preventative measures against disease.

I’ve handled the sterile process for pulling tail hairs… electronically submitted Genetics Testing Requisitions and payments to U.C. Davis… and followed through with hard copies included with tail hairs through USPS.  I’ve dealt with similar process for registering certain animals through one of the breed’s associations.

I’m 4’11″… female… and 59 years old.  And I’ve been handling all this with my soon-to-be ex-husband… while he has maintained commuting to a job in the airlines… where he works inside a hangar for 12 hours each day.  His schedule has never been consistent.  And I’ve dealt with a great deal of time tending to our cattle by myself… which is done so twice daily.

There were two of us that refurbished an old tobacco barn built in 1920. Tearing out a third… while reconstructing inside for stalls and a tack room.  There have been two of us setting in fence posts… running webbed wire and hotwire for construction of paddocks and pasture area.

There have been two of us offloading round bales of hay from the bed of a pickup truck and livestock trailer.

The calves come.  Bottle feeding was an experience required on one occasion (thank God!)… through the day and night.  Training for handling with halters and lead ropes.  I’ve trained every one of our cattle for handling in an open area with no fencing.  I’ve trained our first bull to do whatever I asked… simply by verbal commands… with complete success.

I’ve tended a vegetable garden… raising vegetables that I spent time prepping… canning… freezing… and drying… to save on the grocery bill.

I’ve done my own baking… including bread.  I’m being told my cooking will be greatly missed.

Please remember… I’ve had all the housework… cooking… laundry and errands…  while handling my main job… which landed me no paycheck.

How many people in this country are being given a paycheck to handle each one of the tasks I’ve just laid out in this post?

I think I’m qualified for a really good job.  I think I come to the table with a lot of tenacity… commitment… common sense… problem solving… intelligence… fortitude… and GUTS… just to name a few good qualities.

I’m worth much more than only being regarded as not having been given a paycheck in a decade and being 59 years old.

 

I’m Worthy of Acceptance of What Causes Me Pain

I guess I’m experiencing another tower moment this day.  I don’t know.  My morning was gifted with a heavy… heavy fog.  Here we go… again.

Stepping back.   Game Day for the tears.  Unleash.  Save the dam.  Let ’em go.  Just let them do whatever they’re gonna do.  Get them out of my system… while I go within for some… incredibly needed… self-love and healing.

The walls are back up.  That drawbridge is back up.  Nobody other than Spirit… my Guides… and my Angels enter until I am healed enough to step outside my castle.

My plans are changing… apparently.  And I’m okay with that.  I love me.  And when it comes down to the nut cutting… I am enough.  And I will be perfectly okay.  A little more hardness on the shell.  But I’ll be just fine.

Meaning… I won’t be accepting personal phone calls… texts.  Nor emails.

I’m seeing something in myself that this world will just have to accept right along with me.  I don’t do ignored communications.  For any reason.

I’m too tech savvy to know there’s always a way to reach someone in this century of technology.  And I’ve learned way too much about crickets… and men.

Never the way to behave with me when someone asks me to do something in part of the plan..  and I do so as discussed… respond with an update… and only get crickets… for days.

This does not work.  It never will.  And at this point… that team plan becomes a single-sided… whatever… without me.

I’m just too kind to do this to anyone else.  And that means… nobody has any right to be this unkind toward me.

Ready To… Go

“For one day soon you will step into your own stunning universe—beyond the myths, outside any limitations or predictions, far from the illusions this life invents—as you answer the call to uncover the many starlit truths contained inside your incomparable soul. You will be reborn to fresh and glorious revelations only you can carry to completion. And while all the infinite possibilities expand within, may you sing aloud, rejoicing in your new birth, no longer owned by anyone’s idea of who you should be.”

~ from Open Passages – Doors and Windows to The Soul by Susan Frybort

I don’t know about any of you… but… I am so ready for 2019.  I feel as if I’ve awakened to discover 2018 has been a year that I spent carrying baggage… adding more along the way.

Like being on vacation with an overnight bag in the beginning… buying a new suitcase for packing new treasures at every place you travel to visit and explore.

But when you arrive home… you begin opening suitcases… and finding rocks.  And you think back… over all that time… carrying all these suitcases.  The hopes… the excitement over thoughts of how much enjoyment to come in the future… packed inside.

The heartbreak… disappointment.  You concede to all the reality before your eyes.

When the miracle becomes… dumping all the rocks in a quarry… selling all those suitcases… just to spare yourself from having to look at them one more day… and closing the doors to your mind and heart to anymore thoughts of another vacation.

Shedding all the baggage that’s been nothing more than deception… lies… and absence… in return for everything you’ve been carrying.

I can only hope 2019 will be kinder…  at least kind enough to help me find a way to find the lesson… so I can feel grateful… and thankful.

Because I am kind.