Tag: Consciousness

It’s MY Season! My Season Is Here!

Yesssss.  I ventured out on Friday.

However… in my Defense… I always make sure I’m getting more bang for my buck whenever I invest in a risk.

Of course… I’m very careful.  I keep my hand sanitizer inside my car.  I use the towelettes in every store that provides them.

Social distance is very easy for me.  It’s nice to see so many people being as considerate.

Altogether… it was a round trip to Walmart… Lowes… then a final stop at Costco to get fuel for the lawnmower.

Anybody who knows me… knows… I’m feeling like I’m 6 years old again… and Christmas Day has arrived!

I love Spring!  It is MY season!!  Life brings beautiful color again!

Herbs and vegetables!  I’m excited!

All my herbs get haircuts when they get to the house… before anything else.

I do this to help the plants harden a solid support structure.  They thicken up much better as well.

This… is not trash!  Went right to the sink for rinsing… patted dry and stored in a container… inside the fridge!

I’ll get to enjoy canning my own tomato paste again.  I have three San Marzano’ Paste Tomato plants coming through snail mail.

And these Cherry Tomatoes!  I prefer them in my salads.

Blueberries!  I’ve never had a Blueberry bush… until now!

I plan on wearing out my new FoodSaver.  But I plan on doing quite a bit of canning as well.

And that’s what I love about being able to work from home.  I can work my schedule around everything in my life.

No more of this crap with my life having to work around a schedule someone else chooses for me.

Either way… I’ll be working.  I’ll be working on saving money when I’m in the kitchen… or… out in the yard.

More than anything… being back out in the yard tending my plants will be like meditation for me.  Your mind wanders.  It clears when you get out there and get busy pulling the weeds around the plants… or trimming off any dead leaves and such.

We all have so much going on right now.  Our world has been turned upside down.  A giant cleansing.  Mother Nature has hit that Reset Button.

I’m hoping and praying this situation reaches a climax strong enough to humble a lot of people.

Bring everybody back to being considerate… thoughtful… conscientious… kind and helpful.

Bring everybody back to learning basics at home… rather than only knowing how to waste for convenience.

Learning more about everything home has to offer.

Maybe the almighty dollar needs to fail.

Girls might explore how to cook and sew again.

Boys might be taught how to mow yards and wash windows around the house.

There is a feeling so different that hits you after doing so.

The first thing most kids do is compare it to wherever they might hang out with friends… just standing around and talking.  Or… doing crazy crap… which is known to land somebody in trouble… or the Hospital Emergency Room.

You realize how you feel after learning and helping your family at the same time.  Yeah.  Sure.  It’s always fun being with friends.  But you can still do that.

They can come do it with you.  And then you can go to their house and do the same thing.  Everybody learns.  Everybody feels really good about what they did.

Guys don’t have to learn how to sew.  Although I will say... a lot of guys have been learning in the past few years.

Even if you don’t want to learn how to sew on a machine… or quilt… You can learn how to make a quilting rack for your Mom and sisters… with the power tools.

The one you make will be stronger and nicer than the cheaply made store-bought ones with ridiculous prices.  Yours will last forever.  And the story about you making it will go down to whomever gets to use it in all the next generations.

You’ll be famous!!  LOL

Maybe even learn how to make tables for working in a craft room… cubies for storing fabric and supplies.  Guys and Girls can learn how to custom design their own furniture on paper.  And then build it!

More kids might learn how to grow their own food… and learn to like homemade French fries from their potatoes… that they grew… more than going to McDonalds.

More families might become close again.

Swapping canned goods between extended family members and neighbors might happen.  There might be more baking at home.  More fighting for secret recipes!

Neighbors might become close friends… like they were before the 1990’s.

Everybody at home might learn how to use power tools… to build whatever they want… rather than blowing money on buying it… just because it’s convenient.

Paint fights can be fun!

They invented showers… sinks… bathtubs… washers and dryers for a reason!

Learn how to have fun working at home and getting dirty!

We all need to come closer with those we love and those that live in our neighborhoods.  We all have something of value within ourselves… that can be helpful and encouraging to others.

We’re all suffering through a really bad situation right now.  Some… are suffering so much more than others.  But a really bad thing… can become a blessing in disguise.

This bad thing will be remembered for some terribly tragic losses that our hearts will never stop hurting over.

Maybe all the… ‘MANY’… that make it through this bad thing will choose to make it become many blessings in disguise.

To honor those that… paid an ultimate price for something.  Something that is so far away from being convenient… for anyone.

For those of you suffering right now… know that prayers are going out from all over the world.  We do have Angels from above helping.  You may not see it happening.  But trust me… the healing is coming.

We will come through this feeling a profound difference in our lives and around this world.  We are strong.  We can be steady.  We should be willing… to be the change that helps this world heal… and become a better place.

Know that you are not alone.  And you are loved!

We Are NOT One. We Are MANY.

I believe this experience with the Corona-virus is a wake-up call to the damage humans are doing to this planet.

Words have never been enough.  We have refused to listen.

Now that there is so much quarantine and shelter-in-place… all those touristic areas in the world are sending out photos… of all the health and beauty… that is coming back.

It should give us all reason to pause… and contemplate… one simple fact.

We ARE NOT ONE.  WE ARE MANY.

One… cannot destroy the world… without the exception of any single Idiot in Power that would choose to order firing nuclear weapons.

But Many… can dirty up the water so badly you can’t see the bottom.  You can’t even see the damn fish!

Many… can ride something mechanical… enough to fill the air with such incredible amounts of toxic fumes… you can’t even see… or breathe.

Many… can crowd transportation sights… enough that nobody can move.  Consider your local Airport(s).  Now realize… every Airport in the whole world.

Many… can stop traffic with cars that jam the flow.  Consider your own city or town.  Now realize… every city or town.

Many… can board humongous cruise ships with… One that brings serious illness… to everybody on-board.  You ARE NOT above… being that One.

Consider the Port available where you board.  Now realize… all the Ports in the world.

If anything should be dying right now… it should be all those pathetic ‘Me… Me… Me’ attitudes and dispositions.

If anything should be dying right now… it should be the pathetic Lifestyle of Convenience… manufactured with plastic and paper.

If anything should be dying right now… it should be the Corporate Transportation Industry mentality of… ‘bigger is better’.  Seriously… do you really need so many different models of your brand?

Look at the bone yards of metal… YOU are creating.

If anything should be dying right now… it should be Production According to Demand structures in business of any kind.  Period.

Greed is killing this planet… and creating one hell of a nasty mess.  Be it Wholesale… Retail… or… even worse… Personal.

Yes… Personal.  Do the math.  You give them the excuse.

Look at the sloppy… pig-headed… unconscionable waste and INCONVENIENCE it is TRULY creating.  The trash in the oceans.  The Landfills… which you build residential neighborhoods on top of… which fills the damn hospitals and cemeteries.

No matter which way you work the numbers.  No matter which way you try to… design… the social impact.  What we are all experiencing right now… is the bottom line result.

Just because we can… DOES NOT always mean we should.

Let this experience with the Coronavirus teach us all to reclaim the truth.

WE ARE NOT ONE. WE ARE MANY.

 

Peaceful Brainstorming

More time spent at home.  More time to contemplate.

More time to daydream.  More time to prepare for setting intentions!

Because the New Moon in Aries appears… on Tuesday… March 23rd.. at 5:28am eastern time (U.S.).

Thinking about… how I want to live… once this COVID-19 has reached an end.

Releasing us all to test ourselves.

Discover how much we have learned about ourselves.

What we require for staying alive.

What we don’t really need in our lives.

Materialism… having it all.

Is that truly where we find happiness?

I think it’s joy that we should find within ourselves.

I think happiness should be found with whomever we choose to share our joy.

Why confuse the two?

Why water one down?

Each deserves respect for its own value.

Just as every man… and every woman.

To acknowledge… and learn to appreciate… is a gift you give yourself.

Balance.  In all things.

This brings the world… and ourselves… to our center.

What’s good for me… may not be good for someone else.

How much I wish in my life… may not be enough for someone else.

I can only speak for myself.

I am only 1 puzzle piece.

It’s like… finding that next puzzle piece that fits… once you have all the edges put together.

I wonder what puzzle piece fits beside me.

All this plays into everything I’ve been thinking about… for my life.

Simplifying.  Downgrading the numbers in some areas.

Allows room for more attention to other areas.

Different priorities.  Refreshment.

Peace.

Which wheels right back around to… the joy inside myself!

There is a particular family I have been keeping up with on YouTube.

I’m simply amazed by the happiness they have created… on one acre of land.

The first thing I love about all they’ve created is the obvious time they took to plan… everything… so thoroughly.

On a personal level… what really tickles me is how they’ve managed to choose a location that allows them to grow just about anything!

Everything you can grow in California… without having to live there!  HA!

If you know me… such a place must be Heaven.

I could… actually… consider relocating.

I love living in East Tennessee.

The countryside is just absolutely beautiful.

But I have learned so many lessons in my life… about life.

Even beautiful land cannot be allowed to own me.

I cannot be bought.

I cannot be owned.

I can only be gifted.

And I come with boundaries of my own.

I hold the keys to my gates.

I get to choose… who gets in… and what gets in… to become part of my life.

For now… I pray.

While I daydream.  I only have hours to get those intentions lined up!

Get ready for that New Moon!

Wherever you may be… Know that you are not alone.

And when you get a chance… click here to go listen to this Beautiful… Beautiful song called… ‘We Are’.

Tom Trapp.  The Conductor.

That handsome man reminds me so much of my Daddy!

Know that we all have Angels we can call upon to guide us and protect us.

Especially during these difficult moments.

Know that you are loved.

As above… so below.

And so it is.

 

Doing Our Part

This whole new reality… this entire world is sharing at this time.

It’s been very fluid… to say the least.

Yet… for the most part… it does not matter where one is located on this planet.

Love from the rest of the world is being sent.

We keep each other in our thoughts.  Our prayers.

We encourage each other.  We offer support and help whenever… and wherever we can.

We stand together to square up those few attention seekers… that just cannot help stepping out of line.

Will they ever learn there is nothing good to be gained… by choosing to be ugly?

Perhaps it is easier for them to learn there is more than they can handle… by choosing to be ugly?

Those of you making those choices… need some food for thought.

The Courthouses are closed.  No immediate arraignments for you.  HA!

Still thinking about choosing to be absolutely stupid?

We are here at home… doing our part.

Carlie and I have been Good Girls!

Everything has been sanitized a little more than the usual.

I do need to run to Costco tomorrow for basics.

But I think I will also pick up another Foodsaver.

I’ve become more the Observer through the Internet… watching how people react.

I’m calm.  I’ve always been prepared… for the most part.

But then… I always avoid the news… for the most part.

I don’t allow myself to get sucked into all the fear mongering.

But then again… I’m smart enough to do my own research.

It makes no sense… to cry later because I’m drowning in truth after a fair warning.

I tend to research and find what I’ve been raised to call… ‘The Horse’s Mouth‘.

I seek videos shared by individuals going through their personal experience with the virus.

I feel honored to hear their considerate message.

Who better to be in a position to be honest?

Doctors have come out of retirement and are reporting from the battle areas… where they are helping with trying to heal patients and get ahead of this virus.

There have been moments when my soul has lost control of tears soaking my tee-shirts.

To see… and listen to so many Italian hearts come together from their balconies and sing in unison.

Ahhhh, they had me crying and laughing at the same time while watching one particular video!

Singing one of Black Sabbath’s songs!  That was just classic!!

Then… just when I get a handle on my emotions…

Nico Mastromatteo pulls a stunt.

He and that violin out on his balcony… playing my favorite Ed Sheeran song!

Yes… it was… Perfect!

So beautiful!

Like I say… I avoid watching the news.  And I’ve had to make a trip to my Pharmacy… as well as the grocery store.

But when doing either…

To see a cashier working inside a grocery store.

Seeing all the employees present at my chosen Pharmacy.

To see a Governor ask for closed hospitals to be opened for bed space.

To see Restaurants that normally open only for inside seating close down… and set up Curbside Pickup and Home Delivery Services!

And all you Home Delivery Drivers!

The Mail Carriers!

Fedex and UPS Drivers!

Convenience Store Cashiers!

Petroleum Delivery Drivers!

Distribution Workers!

Inventory / Grocery Truck Drivers!

Each and every one of you… and anyone else I may not have mentioned (please forgive me)… are so greatly appreciated… more than words can describe!

I’ve taken this time to reconsider my current environment for living.

I really do miss my garden.  I’m not allowed to plant one where I am now.

However… I have ordered supplies for some alternative plans.

But this experience shows me how I need to consider some of my past experiences in sustainable living… when it comes time for buying a home.

Makes me think about something.

I see all these HOA’s creating a nightmare for the real estate market in the near future.

City Halls need to take a serious look at all their Regulations as well.

Disallowing homeowners to grow real food… rather than mow grass… makes YOU look REALLY stupid.

Poultry Hens (not roosters) should be allowed in any fenced back yard.

Human Beings have a born right and necessity… to eat healthy food for nourishment.

It’s already been proven that the demand can’t be met by our Government and the Corporate World.

Get out of the way and let us grow our own damn food!

There is absolutely no reason for anyone to be going hungry in this world.

Especially in the United States.

And our Farmers in this whole Nation deserve the right to sell their products… on their premises… to the local people in their areas… in EVERY state!!!

More and more… as we all sit inside our homes… I hope and pray… more people take the time to reconsider their priorities.

I pray more people figure out that their most significant needs… should be their greatest wants.

I pray more people become more considerate of… and for… one another.

I pray more people come to honor the fact that… in many cases… just because you can… does not always mean you should.

YOUR actions determine the health of this planet.

Everything is connected.

Everyone is connected… in one way or another.

It’s time to wake up and be a part of that fact.

Know that you are not alone.

Know that you are loved.

 

 

Let’s Talk About Babies

If anyone has ever paid attention to my blog postings.

If anyone who knows me… has ever paid attention to anything I say.

If anyone I have ever shared conversations with… has genuinely taken into account whatever I have shared.

Then you will recognize what I am about to say.

Very little has ever been mentioned… about my birth father.

Because he never made a sole effort to inject himself into my life.

Even as a child… it was me who had to reach out… to him.

And I got lucky with being able to do that.

It was my Dad… the man that raised me as his own… from the time I was 16 months old… who made it possible.

However… he insisted on telling me… what he decided I should know about my birth father.

I was only 9 years old then.

I had found a letter from my birth father’s second wife… explaining away not being able to pay child support.

Maybe I was only 9 years old.  But I could do simple math.

I was the oldest kid in the family.  And I was the only one that never got sunburns and peeled in the summer.

I now understand the pride in my Dad… blowing off the child support.

I can almost hear him say, “I don’t need that S.O.B.’s money.  I’m doing okay raising her myself.”

Me standing on the bed… him standing at the foot of the bed in their bedroom.

Holding my arms gently… telling me… his version of the story.

He’s passed on to the other side now.  He knows I know the truth now.

He knows I know… that he never met the man in his whole life.

But he knows the whole story.  Right?

I know.  I’m laughing, too.

Anyway…

At the end of the conversation… I asked if I would ever get to meet the man.

He promised I could… if we ever moved back to California.

I was 16 years old… when I got that opportunity to meet my birth father for the first time.

Finally… I could look in the mirror and see the other half of myself.

But fulfilling that promise came as a harsh blow to my Dad’s ego.

He felt as if all he’d given to raising me meant nothing.

His pain came out by way of violence… with the help of alcohol.

I have never forgotten that night… after coming back home from that visit.

At 16 years old… I felt like everything was my fault… simply because I wanted to meet this other man… so I could see who I looked like.

Things were never the same.  In some ways… things became much worse.

The healing between my Dad and I came after he divorced the girl that gave birth to me.

That real father-daughter relationship… actually showed up.

Sadly… it happened 2.5 months before he was killed by a drunk driver.

But he will always be my Dad.

As a man… he was aware of the clout this world gives a man… compared to any woman.

He used it… to do something he never had to do.

He gave me the guidance of a father… flawed as it may have been.

Flawed as it always is.  Parenting does NOT come with any manual.

But I am forever grateful for having my Dad.

There are babies that grow up in this world and become adults that carry flaws to the end of their journey.

Yet… one can look back and see the efforts they DID try to make… to do better… to be better.

But then… there are babies that come into this world… become adults and choose to remain stagnant throughout and to the end of their journey.

Some of us are born and grow up.  Some of us are born and only age.

My Dad did the best he could with all the knowledge he had… even when he didn’t have to.

My hope is that this will awaken some young minds to understanding how accountability enters our lives.

We enter this world as babies.  Initially… there are a woman AND a man… given with expectations… the positions of raising us until we reach the phase of adulthood.

Mainly because it takes a sperm and a womb to get us here.

Pay attention to the fact that I put the sperm in front of the womb.

Let that sink in.

This jacked up world has created a lousy bowl of gumbo in society that has generations growing up and giving no serious consideration… to the significance… of how we all get to this world.

And above all else… WHY.

Way too much confusion for babies and kids.

We all ask to come to this world.

But NONE OF US… ever sign up for THAT.

That’s WHY we have parents… who choose to take on the task of guiding us to adulthood… once we are conceived by their choice they both made… to make us possible.

“Just because you can… never means you should.”

For a lack of a better term for understanding… I refer to parents as parental authorities.

I leave it in a general sense because not all children have a heterosexual set… or even a full set… of parents living under the same roof throughout their entire childhood.

But let me make this personal opinion very clear.

This world seems to bash LGBT COUPLES for wanting to raise children.

To that I say it’s time to examine the insecurity that arises every time you consider the subject.

Why are you so afraid?

You lacking in something for which they exude fine detailing?

No judgement.  Simply a question.

As children we see certain adults raising us as parental figures with authority.  And we are expected to respect and obey.

We are supposed to be able to trust them as well.  But that’s another conversation.

That’s not what we’re talking about here.

Anyway…

Too many of us are growing up with such a mix-mash of parental authority figures.

We are expected to adhere to the guidance of parental authority… until we reach that phase in our lives of adulthood.

Once we walk through those doors… that entire picture changes.

All those choices… are on us.

And yes.

We have a problem with parents who are confused… very confused… about that line where they must STOP… stand behind… and wave farewell… to giving all their instruction… as well as… holding expectations from us… any longer.

That’s where our first struggle with finding our true selves in our personal journey begins.

My birth father was… a teenager… still living at home with his mother.

By the time I was 9 years old… he was 27.

Wow.  I just now realized… he was the same age as my Dad.

That impacts my thoughts… feelings… everything I’ve realized about the man… even more.

People can argue about what I am about to say next… forever.  But deep down inside… everybody knows in their heart… this is the God’s honest truth.

This world still struggles with men refusing to allow women to be considered Queens.

Not only that.  But… Queens with intelligence.

Governmental… organizational… business sectors.  Even many religious sectors.  Men in these positions have a really insecure mindset that makes them feel threatened by… women.

And for the record… Eve was just another relative of all the women living in this world today.

Seriously.  Do some simple math.  This is… the year 2020.

Anyway… all these sectors have no problem putting more focus and effort into pressing down women… before and rather than… putting that focus and effort into other issues… that can sustain a whole collective.

Power.  Authority.  And it receives all the money and other material riches to make the world go round.

It is what it is… and it remains… in this year of 2020… which is downright pathetic.

With all that said…

This issue has everything to do with the responsibility of boys becoming men.

And in my case… there came a time when my birth father had the world standing behind him… and giving him… everything he needed… to inject himself into my life.

Giving him.  He had it made.

With two exceptions.  His focus and effort.

He was warmly welcomed into learning the craft of a machinist in tool and dye.  Earning that paycheck that buys the house and provides for the whole family.

You think any mother would receive the same?

That gave him all the power in the world to make choices.  Act on decisions.

He chose.  He cowed to another woman.  He chose.  No action toward his child.

This world needs to stop looking at women to do everything a man doesn’t feel like messing with… in relationships… and at home.

Because babies are being born.  It takes a woman… AND a man… to make that happen.

The Divine expects the woman AND the man that conceive that child… to guide that child until they move into that phase of adulthood… regardless of whether or not they ever choose to separate in life.

BOTH… are accountable for making damn sure… BOTH are allowed to do so… without any interference.

It’s time to stop family members and others in their circle from interfering in your role as a parent.

It’s time for YOU to stop using a child as a weapon… and/or for manipulation and control in your own journey.

It’s time for all those Governmental… Organizational… Business… AND Religious sectors… to STOP all the biased… half-ass effort.

It’s time to get behind BOTH… the sperm AND the womb…  FOR the baby born from it… ALL the way… in EVERY way of human rights that sustain their lives.

If you want a reason for why we’re all facing this Corona-virus and social distance from one another…

HERE IT IS!!

IT’S TIME FOR THIS WHOLE WORLD… to put its focus and attention on the protection of human rights of every baby coming into this world… and BOTH of their parents… regardless of their gender… their color… their religion… their sexual preference… as well as their predisposed societal judgment on this planet.

Truth be told… YOU need ALL THREE of them… just as much as anybody else in this world.

The Other Half

The majority of all my healing has relied on letting go of everything that sapped my energy.

That included so many things in my life that haunted me from my childhood.

And it begins from there… like a domino effect.

I’ve reached a point where I give The Divine and The Universe gratitude and the credit for helping me get through it all.

Because it’s made me who I am becoming today.

That said… there is a portion of me that has healed and become amplified through the process.

All the good in me.  My conscience.  My heart.  My perspective that I am praying will always exist as a positive quality… forever-changing toward an even better good.

Several other areas as well.  I am… always… a work in progress.

Giving in to loving someone has sent me into lands that become the most difficult.

And right now… I’m struggling with the fact that being alone is beginning to feel… too comfortable.

Two men in my life have shaken me to my core.

I divorced one.  But in reality… he’d let me leave the marriage in my mind… a decade beforehand.

I’m contemplating giving up on another.

This is showing me how much I’m healing.  Growing.

Becoming aware and ready to take action.  So much sooner now.  In any kind of relationship… with anyone.

No more waiting… until I’m completely empty.

And especially… in a love relationship.

It takes two people to build a love relationship.

Crickets are for fishing.

I have learned there is only one thing I can do when the other person becomes a Mute.

Leave.

I am a team player in a love relationship.  When there is no equal injection… why be there?

I’m not the maid.  I’m not the sex toy.  I’m not the tax deduction.

I’m not the accountant.  I’m not the cook.  I’m not the errand girl.

I’m not the pet sitter.  I’m not some teddy bear that sits on a shelf.

And I’m not the one for a Mute.

I am the other half… of what makes… or breaks… happiness and joy… and everything that feels good about moving forward in this life together.

I am the other half that loads that dishwasher… or hand-washes the dishes… with you.

I am the other half that races to see who can get through all the housecleaning… with you.

I am the other half that throws handfuls of mud at you when I’m working in the yard… the vegetable garden… the orchard… or the farm… with you.

I am the other half that loads those beaters with whipped cream in the kitchen… while you’re cutting up the strawberries… and pulls that mixer out of the bowl before turning it on high… right at you!

I am the other half that runs her fingers through your hair… while she’s listening to you talk about… all those hurts from your childhood that still linger.

I am the other half that stands beside you… defends you against anyone trying to take advantage of you.

I am the other half that fights with you… for us… when the challenges in differences arrive.

I’m not an option.

I’m the other half… of a whole… with you.

When you forget who I am… and what I am not… why should I be there?

When you treat me like I’m not there… why should I be there?

 

** Artwork by Anne Stokes

When The Current Shows The Calm In The Past

The obsession with materialism has never appealed to me.

I’m isolating myself at home… respecting requests over this situation with the Coronavirus.

Gives time to reflect.

Observing the social panic… over toilet paper… is becoming an interesting lesson in current society that… quite honestly… leaves a really sickening taste in my mouth.

Maybe I’m the odd one.

I just don’t need to hoard more than basic needs with a tinge of comfort.

Enough to keep it cozy and inviting for friends and family.

Materialism is not life… in truth.  I’ve always chosen love over money.

I don’t care what anyone else tries to pin on me.  I’ll say it right now.  They’re full of shit!

I have ALWAYS earned my way.  I have ALWAYS done my part.

In fact… naysayers are only yapping because I pulled back on over indulging them and their wants.

Thirsting for greed.  A mindset of thinking one is entitled to take all they want… and leave others on the curb.

I cannot imagine having that mindset while laying on my deathbed.

I find value in a person that invests in their abilities.  Their talents.

Builds that material world just enough to bring family and friends together.

At that point… it never matters what happens to all that material world… the money.

If it burns… if it’s stolen… it doesn’t matter.

Because that person who put it all together still carries all the true wealth… inside their mind and in their hands.

They can rebuild.  They can save money again.

When it comes to a man… nothing turns me on more than a man who builds just enough to hold family and friends… and then insists on blocking time in life to enjoy time and life with them!

My Daddy had his flaws.  But he sure made a point of doing that.

And he did teach me a lot.

When the chips were down… he was right there.  Whatever you needed.  Didn’t matter if he knew you… or not.

I watched him be taken for granted… in so many ways… by others.

I learned what not to do.

If my own efforts were ever thwarted by an inch… I would let him help me.

And then I would repay him… before doing anything else in my life for myself.

He was never afraid to respect me for that.

I can remember working part-time while in high school.  First thing I chose to do was begin ‘paying room and board.’

I look back now and laugh with love at myself.   And I know he did the same.

Why?

Because it was only $40.00 every 2 weeks.  LMAO!!

But… back then… okay?

It was a chunk out of the few hours I was given to work each week.  I was only making $2.15 per hour!  Give me a break!

I was doing the REAL Part-Time scene…. A high school kid keeping her grades up so she could work 30 hours per week at McDonalds.

Ya’ damn right.  We were required to bring our report cards in to work.

If we had lower than a 3.1 gpa… our hours got cut.

My boss was a retired Air Force Officer.  Need I say more?

Daddy teased me once about the $40.00.  I knew he wasn’t serious.   I rolled with it!

Next payment… I told him… ‘Here’s your Get Out of Jail Money!’

Yeah.  That was while I was rolling up his shirt sleeves… the way he insisted… so perfectly… before walking out the door to go bar hopping on a Friday night.

He was going to need that $34.50 to bail out!!  LOL!

Our best times together before I turned 18 were spent in the bathroom.

Now… hang on!  Hang on.

The man was vain!  He spent more time than a teenager primping in the bathroom!

He never just… shaved.  It was like un-painting a piece of art.

And styling his hair?  Oh.  My.  God.  He wouldn’t stop until the last hair was in its proper place!

I would sit there… watching.  Sometimes laughing at his antics!

And he would sing.  Ohhhh.  The best part.

I loved listening to him sing.

In my life… I learned to be grateful for… love.

Daddy had a thing about keeping up with the Jones’.  He was very materialistic.

But for him… it was about working hard all his life and having something to show for it.

He needed to exude pride for raising and taking care of a family.

I mean… the man was only 27 years old when he bought his first 3-bedroom brick home with a double car garage… and filled it with new furniture.

Brand new camping trailer that slept 6… brand new car… at least one classic car… and of course… his Bike!

He was in apprenticeship school for becoming a Journeyman Pipefitter-Welder.

He was awarded Journeman’s pay after being in school only 6 months of the 5 years to reach certification… two nights every week… after working a full day out at the refineries.

My Daddy was very well known in his craft.  He had a very deeply respected reputation for his talents in Welding.

I know why he was so head strong about the Keeping up with the Jones’.

I understand the real message he was trying to convey.

My Grandparents had 9 out of 14 children survive.

Grandpa spent a lot of time away from the family… working at the shipyards… before moving back to Texas… when he became a Union Pipefitter.

It was rough on Grandma and the kids.  Very rough.

I know that had a lot to do with Daddy’s thinking.

To an extent… I think he resented my Grandpa for being so absent and leaving all of them alone to fend for themselves.  The struggles they endured.

Grandpa was an alcoholic.  It was hereditary in the whole family.  He drank up a lot of the money he earned.

Until he found Sobriety and threatened anyone that even thought about bringing alcohol into his house!

It became a family joke.  And a few of the uncles rebelled… always sneaking it into that small house whenever we all got together for Christmas Eve!

Oh, he was funny!  I love him so much!  He was a mess!!  They were all a mess!!

But I look at people today.  The massive mindset fogged over by obsession for materialism.

It feels so dry and unfeeling… like an abandoned mall.

And even my Daddy would not want to sit in silence about it.  I can see him throwing down his opinions.

He would be sad… disgusted… frustrated.

I don’t know.  The ways of today have me reconsidering my perspective on my first 20 years of my life.

There was a lot of abuse.  But there was a lot of family love.  Love was first.

Love mattered.  Alcohol got in the way.  Lack of tools for maturation got in the way.

But love mattered…  enough that I was able to feel it… until he was killed by a drunk driver.

With the majority of all that huge family now residing over on the other side… everything inside me says they all recognize things they would go back and do differently… if it were possible.

And in my book… that counts.  Because… I feel them all with me… in my life more than they ever were on earth.

They count.  Their love for me counts.  I know they’ve got my back.

And I love each and every one of them… a hundred times more than I ever did while they were here on earth.

Because that’s who I am.

I’ve come full circle from the day I was born.

I am love.

 

 

Cutting The Cord

“Who is this man he is angry with?”

He is angry with himself.  As he should be.

Why is he angry with himself?

That is for him to openly admit… to himself… and to all of us… whenever he decides.

No longer any of my concern.

I have cried him out.

I’m left with no other choice.

I move on to finish the rest of this lifetime without him.

Please let it go quickly.

For we are all cowards… one way or another.

 

**Artist – Anne Stokes

Taking My Sword To The Fog

A situation has risen its ugly head in my life once again.  And right now… I am existing in this very unfamiliar… fog.

That’s how I have been best able to describe what I see inside me.  See how I feel inside.

I’m not one to sit and let it fester.  I know I have the strength to find the core of the issue… before I heal it.

But this… has traveled through a massive amount of scar tissue from hurt and pain experienced throughout my entire life… all the way down to clean flesh.

After all the hard work I have survived and accomplished.  After all the exploration to find the cores to all the hurts.  After all the nursing to heal all that infected pain.

After all the time taken to use the right tools to correct and heal my heart… mind… and soul.

Just when I was… finally… becoming able to accept a reality of hidden truths about someone I never really knew at all.

Here comes… yet… another attempt to show me who they really are.

As if I haven’t seen more than enough… already.

But remember… I said this blow has me in an unfamiliar fog.

I’m still standing.

I’ve always known how to prepare for tornadoes… since my childhood.  Now I really know why.

Because THIS TIME… just like knowing when to send the family to the bathtub to get under the bed mattress… or… head down to the basement of the house…

I sent everything I have learned… and all the truth and wisdom about myself I have gained… to a safe room in my mind… for protection.

Therefore… all is well in my life… while the rest of me walks toward the fight… to battle the core of this unexpected issue.

I will overcome.  I am protected.  I have God on my side.  I have all the Angels right beside me.

And I have a whole family of Casteels… Bullards… and only God knows who else over there now on the other side… that will make damn sure… I will be perfectly okay.

My Daddy had a lot of friends.   And they always watched over me when they were among us.

They’ve done it before.  They’ll do it again.

But this time… they just may override my sense of fairness.  And there is nothing I can do about that from over here.

I am the wrong person to bestow selfish… undeserved cruelty upon.

I am everything good… through my mind… my heart… and my soul.

I can be your best friend.  Or, your worst enemy.  You get to choose.

And when you choose either… I get to choose how to respond.

But there are times… when I never need to bother myself with responding.

And THAT’S when the one dishing any ill will toward me… should worry most.

Evil never learns the reality and true purpose in the journey of life.

That’s why evil never wins.

I will be standing… in my truth and wisdom… as my true authentic self… at the end of this battle.

 

And I Made My Decision

The alarms on the clocks sound from my Kindle and my phone.  A new day arrives after making a decision before bedtime last night.

I chose walking away.

I know me.  I know my heart.  I know my conscience.  I know the kind of love I am capable of giving.  But I also know the kind of love I deserve.

And beginning today… I will love me.

I rise for my usual morning routine.  My bed is made.  I dress.  Carlie gets her tone collar put on before being let out for her morning constitutions.  Her breakfast is prepared… soaking in hot water to make its ‘gravy’ that she loves.

The usual brushing of my hair and teeth.  Then… I grind fresh coffee bean and set the pot brewing.  That soft ‘bark’ at the front door.  Carlie comes back in and heads for her breakfast after removal of her collar.

There is something about the smell of a fresh cup of hot coffee before the sun even begins to rise.  It’s like… “Good morning!”  And just taking a few moments to absorb how it makes me feel… makes me ready for my next couple of hours.

I’m into my daily guidance on YouTube… listening to Tilly’s daily reading for today… when I have to pause.  Carlie’s finished breakfast.  She won’t let the world continue until she gets her cookies.

Tilly’s reading is finished.  I move on to Gemma’s reading for the day… followed by Uriel’s reading for the weekend.

It’s amazing how all three women cover all aspects of life in their own way.  Light Readers are gifted with their own unique guidance.

I’m so comfortable… thankful… and grateful for how I’ve come to rely on these three women for offering me a peek into what I can expect for the day… what guidance I need from The Divine, the Angels and The Universe.

Fanny is my Go-To for my monthly guidance as an individual.  Still… I gain those daily steps from the other three earth angels!

But it was my own readings I did last night… through Colleen Baron-Reid’s Wisdom of The Oracle and Lucy Cavendish’s Dragonfae Apps (apparently, no longer available in Google’s Play Store?)… that led me to my final decision.

The rest of the day will include more study for a couple hours into the subject of my main goal in life… as well as the current tasks I’m in the middle of handling.  Daily household duties requiring my attention around the house will be completed.  And my evening will be free for planning my weekend.

I always pay attention to how my entire body feels after making decisions like this.  There is a sense of peace that covers me.  Reminds me of a baby’s face… just after entering this world and resting on Mom’s chest… eyes open and looking up at her… so quietly and relaxed.

All the locks at the Dam of Tears seem to have been shut down and not a drop releasing.

And for the first time… I feel what I had manifested long ago… when I experienced the first round of pain that took me too close to a cliff’s edge that nobody really wants to ever see.

I wanted to think of Alan… and feel nothing.

I needed to feel nothing.  I know me.  I have fought a part of me for a very long time now.

There is no man or woman on this planet worth ending your life over… just to feel nothing.

Yes.  It’s a war inside one’s self.  This was the worst war I’ve fought.

Many battles with hope… faith… that loyalty I tried hanging onto for dear life… for only all the right things that have been allowed to exist inside my heart.

My Castle Doors slammed shut.  Several times.  That Drawbridge lifted and locked tight.  That Moat filled to the brim and loaded with a fresh herd of every kind of  sea animal that would eat a man or woman without leaving a bit of evidence.

And still… I remained willing to meet halfway… to reopen negotiation… with him.

It’s exhausting.  But this morning I can wake up and say… “I truly gave it my best.”  At least I know I tried.

But this is not my loss.  He gets to own the loss.

And he will never know all that he lost.  Little does he realize… I never showed him all of me.  I’m not that naïve.

They never see the best of me… until they’ve given me the best of them.

I win.  In the end… I get to have Teresa.