Tag: Life Journey

Difficult.  Emotions running so deeply.  Confusion.  I’m not happy with how things are between us.

I try so hard to be patient.  Understanding he is going through his own stuff.  I have no problem with that.  My problem is the fact that he will not communicate with me.

He cannot see that I can be a friend… as well as a partner.  To help each other heal.  To help each other see other perspectives.  To help each other recognize the obstacles in our paths… so each of us can work through our own issues.

Just having that support can make all the difference in the world.

His dead air pushes my patience.  Leaves me questioning whether I should hold on to hope and faith.  Remain loyal to him.  Or… should I walk away?

Does he care how devastating it would be for me to walk away?

I could do it.  I know I would survive this.  But I know I would never be the same.

I know there would be much of me that would die inside.  This frightens me.  This late in my life… after all the lost love I have endured throughout the years.  I know me.  I would not ever care to ever love again.

There comes a time when a beautiful heart becomes too tired.

He cannot see… or, he does not care… how it hurts to feel he does not feel safe or secure enough to come to me as a friend to help him deal with his pain.

To give him different perspectives.  To give him support and encouragement for facing those issues we all face about ourselves that can be so difficult to look at and work on.

To do so in a gentle and compassionate way.

I feel we are… both… strong enough to accomplish this.

There is something so strong inside me that tells me this is why we came to know each other… from the very beginning.  To help each other heal.  To be in each other’s corner.  To be that honesty with gentleness and compassion that only encourages us to overcome our pain.

To journey through it all with each other and become two incredible human beings on the other side.

It’s not a deep dive into some shallow love relationship I’m looking for.  Hot and heavy on the scale of similarity to hooking up in some nightclub.  Walking out the door at closing time… thoughtlessly heading into a tornado that only dies off in a short period of time.

Not that they all turn out that way.  But too many do.  And I want nothing like that.

My prayer is for a reality in the lives of two people who need to heal and want to become the very best that the Divine intended for each of them.

To be courageous enough to allow each other inside for offering raw objectivity.  Helping one another see issues and obstacles we’re not able to see in ourselves.

Being that needed support that gives each other that safe feeling and courage to overcome issues causing us pain and/or confusion.

Being able to look at one another as we scratch off one more issue from that list… and feel we are looking at the one person that makes us want to knock out that entire list… so easily.  Taking a moment to soak in all those wonderful feelings it gives us to realize this.

He cannot see I do have a life.  He cannot see I am very busy myself… with daily tasks and working on my own goals.  Making my own personal dreams become real.  Working on me as much as I can.

But he also cannot see the mountains I could climb with a smile… the doubled joy in my heart… that incredible load of energy and enthusiasm… simply by having communication with him on a regular basis.

And he cannot see the same difference it could bring for him.  If only he would let me.

All I can do on my own is put this in the hands of The Divine and The Universe.  And continue to pray for him.  Beyond that… there is only one truth I know for sure about us.

So much to walk away from.  Too much.

Did You Hear That Door Lock?

I just need to say… I am so relieved to have walked through that door to 2020 and left 2019 buried in some cemetery.  Bottom line… simply one horrible year for me.

In my Tarot readings I was advised to work on planning during the month of December.  Major decisions were made for my life.  Lots of shedding.  Lots left behind.

But then there were the important things in my life that I got to choose to take with me… into 2020.  Goals.  Decisions.  And with or without me… People.

There are actually… very few people I chose to take with me.  But this will be the year when I build new friendships with like-minded people having that same depth of heart and emotions… conscience… kindness… respect… and goals!!

This year is about my heart.  Happiness.  Goals.  There can never be enough said about Goals.  Prosperity.  Abundance.

Love?  I don’t know.  In God’s hands.  Divine Timing.  For now… I am enough.  I have to be enough for now.  And I’m okay with that.

Did I tell you I’ve got goals?  ;)~

My Twin Flame.  In God’s hands.  But never left behind.  And never without my love.  I pray for him.  I pray for his happiness.  I pray for the Universe to bless him with Discernment… Strength… Courage… Wisdom.  Everything for him to rebuild himself from the center of standing in his own truth… his own authenticity… his own wishes… his own goals… his own dreams.

I still believe in him.  I know he can do it.

Understanding and compromise would be two wonderful goals.

I just refuse to pray from inside some closet.  I think that is unrealistic… inhumanely unfair.  And I KNOW it’s just… non-negotiable.

Certain other loved ones that I chose to bring with me.  And then there are those that… basically… helped me choose to leave them behind.  And I’m perfectly okay with that.  I know my truth.

This year is about getting back in touch with myself.  I was so lost and separated from myself for so long.

This is my year.  Finally.  It’s my turn.

I stay more to myself now.  The time will come when it is safe enough for me to speak about all the hard work I am currently in the middle of completing.

Sadly… there are people in this world that just thrive on bringing other people to failure by their dirty deeds.  Out of jealousy.  Out of insecurity.

Simply because you are no longer at their disposal for using your talents to improve their lives… at the expense of your own.  And of course… when all that happens the rest of the world around you is fed a lot of false bravado… which seems to be preferred over truth and honesty in this ever-increasing mad world.

Pathetic.  But hey… those abusers get free will, too.  Whatever.

I prefer to stay to myself and focus on the positive issues in my life.  I mind my own damn business.  I take care of me.

In essence… I’m really not doing anything much more differently than I’ve ever done before.  The only difference is… Now I’m doing it for someone that SEES my hard work… APPRECIATES my efforts… REALIZES my value… and GIVES ME THE CORRECT CREDIT THAT I’M EARNING… THAT I DESERVE.

I’m doing it all for myself.

The difference I feel inside of me is something I cannot even measure.  Now my heart receives what it always needed before… in order to give me that drive to keep moving forward with accomplishing even greater things in life with so much more pleasure and satisfaction.

The results are now much better.  No more half-ass.  I’m a lot less stressed and tired.  No more having to pick my battles.  No more having to fight for half-ass.

I’m able to make a decision.  And now I have the freedom to lay out the tasks in such a way that makes it easy for me to get things done.

So simple.  Which only shows… it never had to be so damn difficult… nor ridiculous.

All the money in the world… won’t even hold the value of an ounce of human piss… against the value of brains… conscience… integrity… truth… common sense… self-love… self-reliance… and self-respect.

And THAT… was in my little suitcase that I carried with me through that door to 2020… after burying 2019 in a cemetery.

I just hope everyone else in this world finds their way to their own healing… truths… finds their own value… self-worth… and self-respect… whatever you need to make you feel whole and happy… from inside yourself.

Happy New Year!

Forever a Milestone for Me – 2019

 

Deep lessons I learned this year, which came with great sacrifice and loss.  But compensation was taking back my power and finding Teresa.

I can only pray for others that no longer understand me and/or want to be around me… and hope life and the universe bring them around to choosing to heal themselves.

I love them all.  But the cycles needed to stop somewhere.  Cleansing needed to begin somewhere.

One man wasn’t my only problem.  I brought my own issues to the table.  And there were others involved.

Adult children in this country need to wake up and look at themselves.  I’m not alone when I say this.  I’m hearing parents of grown children everywhere saying the very same thing.

It blows my mind.  It breaks my heart.  For all of us.

None of us is perfect.  We never reach any particular age and know it all.  Learning never ends for any of us… including parents.

The fork in the road led me to two choices of paths.  I took the better road.  They don’t know.  I was one hair away from checking out.  Nobody would ever get to have me ever again… if I couldn’t have myself.

So there.  I chose hope.

I learned we all asked for this experience of Life on this planet.  We had to get here some way.  God made a way.  All He expects is for us to be guided until we become adults.

I learned nobody is perfect.  Many fail at being guides.  There is no manual.

But we all get a second chance.  It’s called becoming an adult.

That’s when we have the freedom to choose seeking healing to exude that unique soul inside each one of us… that we bring to this life… and take with us when we leave.

Until every one of us finds that healing… we will never have that reunion.  And ‘We’ is every soul on this planet… especially families.

I learned about real love.

I found real love in me.

I learned TRUTH.

I learned how to become free from being mentally conditioned… manipulated… controlled.

I witnessed hope in a 16 year old young lady that set this world on its toes… as she traveled all around the world… lighting fires in hearts that DO CARE… EXPECT TRUTH… DESERVE TRUTH… EXPECT CHANGE… DESERVE CHANGE… for the HIGHEST GOOD OF ALL.

Greta gave me courage.  Strength.  Hope.

And speaking of…

Strength.  Self-Worth.  Value.  Fair Boundaries.  Peace.  Tranquility.  Balance.  Happiness.

Goals I have reached!

I pray this hits home for so many others.  If you’re hurting… Seek an Empath.  Seek a Spiritual Healer.  Seek a Reiki Healer.  Google the words.  You’ll never regret it.

Learn the TRUTH about Tarot.  It saved my life.

Happy New Year, everyone!

2020 is gonna be so awesome!

*** “Serendipity” – Card #18 from Wisdom of The Oracle Deck by Colette Baron-Reid.  (Click here) to read the meaning of the card.

My Lines are Never Blurred

Unlike that photo above, for sure!  WordPress really needs to work on their transfer of media into their libraries.  It goes south.

My lines for my boundaries may extend a little further than some people.  Never the less… I do… have strict and specific lines drawn for my boundaries.

Those lines do protect a strong portion of details within a relationship whenever I am involved with a man.

I think I can safely say… any details I have shared out in the open in this blog are… simply… what can be expected… after a man has given plenty of effort into leaving me feeling betrayed… after leaving me behind on what was nothing more than a one-lane road.

Any kind of a relationship comes with its own value.  That value is determined by efforts made by two people… both people.

Never would I claim to be perfect.  God knows… I am the first to acknowledge that fact.  And that’s why I’m so involved in healing myself.

I’m constantly looking forward and heading in the direction for becoming the best human being possible… from the inside out.

Others may feel no need to strive for self-improvement.  To that… “God bless ya’!”  Must feel so great to be perfect!

I’m working on it. ;)~

Anyone else has free will and choice to be all they wish.  Good or Bad.  And I have the choice of not allowing any man into my life that chooses being Bad.

I know who I am.  I’m a good person.  My heart is genuine.  My conscience thrives on being legitimate… for only good and best intentions.  My Daddy raised me with standards that I have never forgotten… despite his occasional… “Do as I say… not as I do” events in his own life.

Trust me.  He’s over on the other side… laughing at me right now!  He knows!  He knows.

You may manage to find your way inside.  I can promise you that will be your greatest challenge in your life… after my hard fight with getting through this divorce.

But that never means you’ll stay.  It’s your choice for how you handle your part that determines such.

And when you hurt me… when you betray me… when you choose to do physical damage to me… or… within the perimeters of the relationship that cause it to end.  And especially when you choose to behave downright nasty through the exit…

Yeah.  You can count on me showing the world who you chose to be in my life.

But as far as any healthy relationship that is thriving between myself and my partner… THAT is when I am more than pleased to confess being selfish with my choice of privacy.

The first reason why I choose to behave in such manner… believe it or not… is out of respect for my partner.

If you can’t figure out when I lose respect for a partner… go back to the first post of this blog and catch up.

Yes.  The boundaries are there.  And reciprocity keeps all that goodness healthy.

I am a Giver.  Granted… this past year has dealt the toughest fight I’ve ever experienced.  But this has only overhauled this lady.

Getting into my castle… behind those walls that were only made three times stronger after this divorce… will never be anywhere near as easy as before.

My willingness to give as much in the process of initiating… not so plentiful anymore.

Lately… I find comfort in going back to the good old-fashioned ways of how a Gentleman should take the lead… and how he should honor the gift God gives him… with every breath he takes… if he wishes to receive it all back ten-fold.

The older I become… the more I come to figure out exactly what I do want in my life… what I don’t want in my life… and what I will not allow into my life.  Turtles cannot lay the number of eggs to keep up with the growth of my strength… determination… and my will.

All this is definitely connected to my personal choices for all that I hold dearly from within a relationship with a man.

So… my answer is No.

You will never witness this blog exposing everything I may share with a partner.  But I can say this.  While I may throw their evil deeds out to the universe for cleansing as I go through all this healing… I am diligent about owning my own faults that I can understand would have been a contributor.

If… and when… I miss owning a fault of my own… you can be sure it is only due to the absence of communication needed for making such aware to me.

So… for those of you pulling feathers out of your butts over my last post… you can stop now!

Some Journeys Go Around The Holidays

I’m at a point in my life where my trust in anything and anyone… has been absolutely shattered.

I’m feeling safer by just being alone at this time.

I’m not even capable of responding to messages on the Internet from any guy I don’t even know.  Honestly… he’s better off if I don’t respond.

There is no telling what may be loaded in those darts I throw.

I’m really going through a lot of deep diving in this journey right now.  The process has its days when sorting can be quite overwhelming.  Issues surface from out of left field… totally unexpected.

But you can’t heal until you address the wound.

I have warned people before.  I am raw honest.  This is my journal about my journey.

Over the course of my life I’ve been forced… manipulated… even conned into holding back… in so many ways… for so many shallow-minded… mean… selfish reasons… by many people.

What have I learned from all that so far?  I’m learning how to avoid putting myself in those scenarios.

But for now… this is my turn.  And there’s no holding back from purging anything.

So put on your seatbelt.

Because today I’m talking about… sex.

Serious subject for me.  I don’t take it for granted.  And I have put a halt to me being taken for granted in general.  But even more-so… with sex.

I communicate some really deep emotions through sex.  For me… it is making love.  I’m saying ‘I love you’… in the deepest way possible.

Having your child… was my way of saying how much.

Yeah.  Missed the message.  Didn’t you!

Well.  I tried.

Sex is not part of some daily routine for me… like Pilates… Yoga… Jogging… or some other daily exercise.

Yeah.  I don’t do the Quickie before heading to the grocery store… or the races… or a family dinner… or even before going out dancing.  I might be looked at… or maybe even touched on my arm like a feather enough to make us forget about going to the grocery store.  And the only thing possibly happening after getting dressed and before going out dancing might be a couple shots.

Just sayin’.  Gotta catch us, first!  lol

But.. no.  Sex is not a glimpse in my book.

When you’re having sex with me… you need to understand that I am telling you this is not just some date with me.  I am letting you know that my feelings for you go deeper than just dating.  I’m letting you know that I want to have an exclusive relationship with you.  I’m telling you that I love you.  And I’m letting you know that I want to fall in love with you.

And if that’s too deep for you… feel free to go find a more shallow… pond!

Promises don’t count anymore.  Too many men have broken promises to me.

Noooo.  Actually… the pathetic truth in that statement is… I have not had sex with every man that’s broken a promise to me.

Been a long time since I’ve even been around any man that can be trusted by his word.

My two marriages were quite… dynamic… in their own special way.

My first marriage… I ended up having sex with multiple partners.  The man I was married to… and whatever friend he invited into our bed with us each night.

Jim Beam… Johnnie Walker… Jack Daniels… whatever.  And that crap got old… really quickly.

Believe me… saying ‘I love you’ was… far from anything I had to say to any of them.  Most of the time… it was… “Goodnight.”

Ask him!  Oh wait…. he probably will not remember.  There were nights we did and he still thinks we didn’t.  What else can I say?

My last marriage… I have no idea what to even say.

Okay.  Let’s try this.  I never got a fair chance to start saying, ‘I love you.’ 

Yeah.  Almost 18 years.

Reconstituted Virgin I am!

Shut up.  I AM being nice.  You weren’t there.

I had a post come through my feed somewhere (I hop around like a cricket on my breaks) earlier this week… asking a question.

“If you could go back and do one thing in your life… what would it be?”

My first thought was…

“I’d go ahead and follow through with my plans… that night I changed my mind and decided not to go out to Scruples on the night before Thanksgiving, 1991.”

Back then… everybody that was living out of town always came home for the holidays.

The true love of my life was hit and killed while trying to cross the street to get to his pickup after walking out of Scruples that night… actually, around 12:30am Thanksgiving morning.

Everybody had practically crawled over each other… three years prior… to get to me and tell me he was getting married… two weeks after I came back home from California.  Of course, I knew the truth about why and all.  And she had to live through the truth… which had to be difficult.  He had free choice.  I loved him that much.  And yes.  It hurt.

I ended up having to move out of town.  I could not go out anywhere with friends… without him being there with her.  To be expected.  Small town.  But when I’d walk inside a place… he’d forget she was even there.  He even pinned me in the hallway to the bathrooms one night… while she sat at a table seeing everything.  I couldn’t allow that.

Some of my words… “No, Skippy.  I will not let you do this to her.”

He made the 4-hour drive to come looking for me one weekend.  Found him and one of our friends on the dam.  Drunk… bleeding. Tony’s truck torn up.  They’d hit some elder lady’s car on the dam.  I insisted we keep driving to the house… where I called his brother.  Left a message.  By then… I’d heard about rumors she was going around town spreading… things I was supposed to be doing around town… while I was living over 200 miles away.

I’ve always known.  I’m just that damn good.  Ya’ know?  Right. (smdh)

I wasn’t about to give her anymore fodder.  She’d done well enough on her own.  I knew they were going to jail.  I knew his brother would come bail them out.

What I didn’t know was… he was coming to find me… and tell me the divorce had been filed.  None of his so-called ‘friends’ ever bothered to call and tell me anything then… despite having the toll-free number for my shop.

Remember… this was winter… 1991.  Did we even have cellphones then?

I found out later… the divorce was supposed to be final on Thanksgiving Day.

But I woke up Thanksgiving morning, 1991… made coffee.  Walked outside to take the dog out to go pee and get the newspaper.  Came in.  Poured my cup of coffee.  Sat down with the newspaper.  Opened it to Page 2.

I do not remember much about my life from that morning… Until January 1992.  I do remember nothing making sense.  I remember feeling as if my presence on this planet no longer made any sense.

Jen and I back in California.  Living with my birth parents.  I decided to go to school to become a state certified Animal Health Technician.  They’re strict in California.  You can’t get in with experience, alone.

This was supposed to be the thread that would keep me hanging on.  It didn’t turn out that way.  But that’s a whole different chapter about my survival.

I lived with guilt… for DECADES.  Thinking I could have saved him… if only I had gone ahead and gone out to the club that night.

It was 2007.  I was washing dishes.  Thinking about Skip.  The guilt sent me into tears.  This pain never went away.  Something I just never could quit thinking about.  It happened a lot.  But on this particular day… something different happened.

I heard my Daddy.  “Baby.  It wasn’t your time to go.  You understand?”

After all those years… he showed me the reality I had never even considered.  He decided it was time for me to know the truth… 16 years later.

I would have gone with Skip.  Who would take care of Jennifer?

And then I realized… it was my Daddy that put that sick feeling in my gut that made me change my mind that night.  Overwhelming guilt in my head about leaving Jen with Mara to babysit.  But he did it to save my life.  And he was worried about Jennifer as well.

I don’t know why it took so long.  Maybe it was Skippy’s request.  With all the wisdom and understanding I have now… that would make perfect sense.  And I guess I would deserve it.

Wanting me to hurt as much as he loved me.  So I could finally see… he really did love me.  He really was faithful to me.  He wasn’t screwing around on me… like all the other guys I watched doing to their wives and girlfriends when I drove to Matagorda for the weekend.

I sabotaged that relationship with the love of my life… out of fear.  If all the other guys were cheating… why should I believe he was being a perfect angel for me?

The truth is… he was.  I just did not have any self-confidence to believe I was worth being loved that much… in the very way I always wished and hoped for.  Forget loving myself.  I didn’t even know myself.  I’d never been allowed to know myself freely.  Teresa was already shoved down in her little pinky toe.

But just as I’m writing this post… I’m realizing… my Daddy came to me with the message around the time I… finally confessed to my… new-ex… out loud… the fact that I would not be married to him… if Skip were still on this planet.

The longer I think about that question… I would go even further back in time… for that one thing I would do over again in my life… if I could.

Skip knows exactly what night I’m talking about.  To have all the knowledge I have about life and spiritualism today.  To get the chance to go back to that night.  Everything in my life would take that road God intended.

Skip’s over there with my Daddy now.  He knows everything as well… just like my Daddy.  And he’s very well aware that I’ve never made it any secret to anyone close to me that knew him.

He was the love of my life.  I would have had another dozen kids with that man.  And he tried!  He fought me with the birth control!

You couldn’t put crazy past Skippy Bullard!  That is God’s honest truth!  Anybody still living who knew him will verify!

But today… life is what it is.  And just knowing the truth is enough for both of us.  It has to be.  We can’t go back.

Still… here I am.  But everything changes as I move forward in this journey.  I learn more about who I am… and what I no longer have to put up with.  What I no longer have to fear.  What I no longer have to settle for.  What I have every right to receive for all that I give.  And when I’m pushed… I push back.

I deserve love in all the best ways… for all the right reasons.

I deserve my love to be accepted in all its forms as truth and with complete understanding.

Unfortunately… trust… will be the most difficult challenge for any other man to earn from me and build with me… before making it through these castle walls that protect me.

Now you see why I’m prepared to be alone?

At least I’m honest.

*** Interesting reading about the meaning behind the card I drew after finishing this post.  (Click Here) to get there.

Major Personal Wish Come True

One more wish come true and scratched off my Bucket List!

Thank you… Thank you… THANK YOU… Jeff Rains!  You can find him on Instagram as thejeffrains.

Oh.  You can also find him in Knoxville, Tennessee!

This has been a very personal endeavor of mine… for quite some time now.  It has been placed on my left fore-arm.  I’m left-handed.  It’s there to grab my attention!

I think the timing was perfect for this one.  I put a lot of thought… consideration… and sentiment into the story behind everything it represents for me.  Subjects that are very precious to me.  Secrets… that can only come out now.

The tattoo makes the statement of where I stand in my own truth.

“I am… The Only Author of My Story.”

Quite the play on words.  And they all fit!

One of my major affirmations about by myself.  The power to run my life and make my decisions now rests in my own hands today.  Teresa has reclaimed herself.  Free from anyone with bad intentions.

I am… is the last Being I will ever answer to when it’s all said and done… God.

No more submitting to anyone else’s insistence… and being left hanging in the nasty consequences.

I get to choose all that now goes on in my life.  And I’ve already discovered those choices are turning out results that are pretty damn good… so far… I might add!

Where once this huge thick wall of hurt and pain kept me caged… all the devastation and disappointment caused by others that could send me falling apart crying anytime I had to look at it.  Just to try talking about any of it… would bring this massive tidal wave that I came to despise.

Not anymore.  No more tidal wave.

I was able to tell the story that relates to the tattoo… while Jeff was bringing it to life.  Not one single tear.  No tears from any of the stings as well!

I have wanted to reach this point so desperately… since I was a very… very young child.

The Quill… well.  Some of us know what… some of us… have said about a feather.  Right?!

I’m joking!  It’s my Quill… for the writing of the message.

The Arrow… When I first saw the arrow… what came to me was the impact of this connection that hit me back in January, 2018… from oceans away.  Took a couple months before it hit.  Took a little more time trying to run from it!

Alan didn’t just give me courage in a game.  I took that gift and applied it to my life… to my goal of reclaiming Teresa.

The color of the ribbon… his eyes… the color he described… and the fact that I have never seen them.

There remains a tough subject that carries continued struggle.  You can only cover so much in an hour of therapy.  Right?!  I did get through explaining this part to Jeff without losing it.  Although I didn’t get in very deep with many details.

I have always said… “Nobody really knows me.”

Today… I can say there are three people that probably know me best.  Alan… My Aunt Judy… and my Therapist.  Because I had to keep the peace… by keeping my own thoughts and feelings about my identity… myself… anything about me… to myself.

It was the only way to keep it legit… without lame… shallow… narcissistic excuses coming back at me… trying to water it all down to nothing.

The calligraphy in the tattoo is written in Portuguese… to honor my Paternal Grandmother, Beatrice Tavares.  For the very short time that we were able to share with each other… there came a time when she had promised to teach me to speak Portuguese after I learned to speak Spanish.

The significance of her existence in my life has been another… secret issue.  The truth… there was very little of this birthright… for which I was deprived.

Grandma Bea died in February, 2007… in Clear Lake, California… while I was hospitalized in Maryville, Tennessee with 18 staples in my gut after having an emergency hysterectomy.  I believe she was 91.

It was the Tavares family’s opinion… upon meeting me in 1990… that I looked just like Grandma Bea.

I loved talking with her!  I have spent many years feeling angry about manipulation in deprivation of any developed relationship with her.

What little I do know… so far… is this.  As an adult… I can see the very strong woman she was… by the career she sustained and retired from… working in a ketchup factory in the Bay Area of California… taking care of 3 sons and a daughter… by herself… after a divorce.

She was wise.  She had always planned and saved.  She made sure she would be financially comfortable without any help from her children in her later years.

She enjoyed her own 1-bedroom apartment… and those senior bus trips with all her friends… all around the country!  And when I did get the chance… I sat feeling so mesmerized… listening to her stories!  I just enjoyed listening to her talk.  She was funny!

I’ve never forgotten the short time I got to spend with her.  And I live every day now… with the knowing that all that manipulation will fail.  Because I will get to listen to her stories… all I want… when I cross over to the other side.

And NOBODY will get in the way of that happening.

For now… I’m wearing my very first Portuguese lesson!

I’m happy!

Full Moons and Castles

I opened up my Line account, yesterday.  Had to open a new account.  I named it TeresaMarie.  Same name I had given one of my castles that I left behind when I quit playing Clash of Kings.

The app tried forcing me to go collect some pin number from my ‘other device’ before I could have my original account back.

That would be… two cellphones behind my life.  I’m not even sure I still have the damn thing.

This request… from an android app.  Amazing.  Maybe I should go back to school and learn some tech geek… formalities.  I’d be ahead of the game… with common sense.

We’re about to receive another Full Moon.  Reaches our area at 8:34 am eastern time in the U.S.A. on Tuesday.  This full moon is packed with more than the usual.  Click here to gain a bit of insight.

We had a beautiful day today.  We’ll have rain before I find my pillow tonight.  We’ll have snow when I wake up.  Welcome to East Tennessee.  Ha!

I’ll be staying inside all day while it snows… having fun with more sewing!  I like the fact that I’ve learned to set my boundaries when it comes to discussing all I am doing with my passion.

Which means I’m not sharing much.  ;)~

I’m spending just as much time learning from other sources.  There are so many special techniques that are necessary for all that I have in mind.  I’m one who values the time I put into anything I do.  So it only makes sense that I give it all the very best possible.

This is about… Me… my goal… My individuality.  And this is on my terms.

Does this mean I’m some Control Freak?  I can answer this honestly.

I am the first of all humans uncomfortable in the presence of my flaws that create dysfunction with others.

I haven’t pinpointed the exact moment when that flaw took a serious turn onto a more appropriate path.  But I do know this.  The opportunity was at the top of my list for my journey of reclaiming myself.

Said opportunity came once my divorce was final.  Please take a moment and just… let that sink in.

“Why would she have to wait until….. Ohhhhhhhh!”

Yeah.  I know.  Be glad you weren’t the one having to wait.

Appropriate boundaries.  This is about choices and decisions in my life that belong to me.  My wish for a specific goal pertaining to my passion for sewing is one good example.

When it comes to relationships with my grown children… I am in need of separating myself from their lives at this time… in order to have a fair playing field for working on setting my own appropriate boundaries.  A huge part of reclaiming myself.

Works differently for others… I guess.  I don’t know.  I only know this works for me.

I’m hoping my children will find interest in taking time to examine their own issues.  There is a better chance with me out of the picture.  Of course… we all have free will.  Whether they take that opportunity… or not… is up to them and none of my business.

On the same token… the work I’m putting into my own self… is none of their business.  Their opinions are none of my business… and vice versa.

I’m only responsible for myself today.  And I am taking care of myself.

In simple terms… I have no desire to live the rest of my life as some mangled up friggin’ mess!

As for a love relationship with a partner… do I really need to say?  Okay.  For anyone that has not been around…

I am not ready.

And I have to be honest.  There is only one soul on this planet that would even stand a remote chance in Hell.  He’s nowhere to be found.

And he is neither of my two ex-husbands.  Trust me.

It hurts.  I don’t know what to do with it.  I’m trying.  It is a work in progress.  Covering it in therapy.  This man has affected my heart like no other man ever has.

I could win the damn lottery.  And it would not come anywhere near affecting me as much as this… profoundly deep-thinking… ever-so-guarded man with a damaged heart holding sensitivity more delicate than rice paper.

This is a situation that only spiritualists… Empaths… Light Workers… Healers and such… would completely understand.

I am an Empath.  Click here to read up.

Empaths seem to be delicious bait for Narcissists.  Let me just put that out there.  Click here for some great information on Narcissists.

Here on earth… we can release ourselves from each other… and vice versa.  However… when The Devine has made the plans… He never fails.  He sticks to His plans.

One way… or another… you will end up from Point A to Point B… which only He has decided upon.  And His Divine Timing reigns over your schedule in life, as well.

In other words… whatever you try to fill your life with outside His plans… will be turned on its head.  Nothing else will bear fruit.  If your intuition has not moved you in line with Divine Timing for certain events… look out!  He’ll make it happen.  He will come in and toss your little apple cart upside down right before your eyes.

They call it a ‘Tower Moment.’  I have put myself through numerous attempts to walk away.  I have faced these Tower Moments every time I have attempted to walk away from all feeling and emotions for this man.

I think both of us are very stubborn.  I think it’s because we are so protective over our hearts.  Because we’ve been hurt so many times.  So deeply.

This New Moon and Mercury Retrograde passing through right now… has put me through Hell.  The readings.  I had to stop going to YouTube for any readings for Libra and Gemini.

Mystic Witch Tarot… I truly trust her.  She helps me with my personal journey… as an individual.

Opal Oracle… Raaji!  She is so awesome.  She gets down to that Mother Earth Understanding and alignment with the Universe.  And you really need some deep intellect to keep up with her.

Gemma at Gemstone Tarot… Daily Collective.  The Collective refers to everyone in general.  I can handle this right now.  Gemma offers the astrological common sense core feel for us all.  And she’s funny as all get-out!

Lucy at The Channel of Love… focuses on the twists and turns between Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine Twin Flames.  She goes through her readings in Story-form.  Her perspective has helped cool my jets… so many times.

All the others had me twisting like a pretzel… until I went into my own cards.  You must be very careful when you begin plugging in to all those readings.  And recently… legitimate Readers have busted some plagiarism.  On most occasions… I will refuse to listen to any reader that already has cards laid out in placement.

I lean on God and The Universe.  And before any church-goers begin coming at me like alligators… I’ll make a deal with you.  You stay in your lane.  I’ll stay in mine.  And we’ll be just fine.

This is my blog.  It is a tool that helps me in my healing.  I get to share what I choose.  Your opinion is none of my business.  And I respectfully request that you keep your opinions in your own pockets.

I have found an even closer relationship with God… since going into Tarot.  And I have seen the difference with an even deeper gift of Discernment.  I am blessed much more by free will choices… rather than all the mental and emotional conditioning that has been bleeding all over this planet.

Just follow the money.  “The things they say… just to fill up that damn offering plate!”

I lean on God.  I lean on The Archangels.  I lean on The Universe.  I believe in them all… for protecting me and guiding me.

I will stand beside them… before standing beside you… no matter who you may be.

‘Nuff said.  Back to the topic.

I know which path I am supposed to take.  I am fine with this.  I can wait on Divine Timing.

I have plenty to keep me busy preparing.  And I am moving forward.

Still…

I feel him.  He comes to me.  That Mental Telepathy.  He knows.  He’s always known.  And he knows how to use it.

The tables are turned now.  That damn game.  He knew how to contact me outside Clash of Kings.  I gave him everything.

Some people are probably thinking right now… “If he wanted to contact you… he would.”

Well… Yeah.  You think I don’t know that?  I know this better than you.  Because he’s done so in the past.

But I also understand Divine Timing.  I understand there being reasons for separation.  I understand the concept of both of us being on our own journey.  Both of us being guided through lessons and healing… before God decides the time is right.

Imagination?  No.  You have to feel what’s going on inside you without any self-inflicted provocation.  That’s called The Knowing.  Unexplainable feelings and emotions that overwhelm you.  You can be in the middle of doing anything… cleaning house… working on a car when it just comes out of left field.

It’s him.  That’s when the telepathy kicks in.  That’s when I can feel him.  At times… I have to stop whatever I’m doing.  The feeling becomes so strong.

And yes.  I answer.  With love.

I miss him.

I miss those conversations when we were both present… at the same time.  Seeing those words typed… back and forth between each other.

I miss the fun we had.  Turning typed words into food fights… and water hose fights… and cooking in the kitchen.

He described so well… the two of us sitting on a blanket… out in the sunshine… eating frozen yogurt.  I could see us.

We shared time talking about other things.  I choose to keep those between us… for him.

Okay… I still say I could cook a steak better than him.

Just to be clear… nothing in the gutter existed.  We have some really nasty… vulgar pigs on the internet.  But this man….

This man is way above that.

I loved talking with him.  Because he helped me see so many things from a different perspective.  It made me want to learn more from his perspective.

I loved talking with him.  Because he showed me I was worth being trusted to know some of his troubles.  I’m forever left feeling so honored that he felt that safe and comfortable with me.

I loved talking with him.  Because he helped me see the difference between a caring man… and a twisted narcissist.

I loved talking with him.  Because he helped me believe I can do anything.

I loved playing Clash of Kings with him.  Because he was the one that helped me find my own strength and power.  So many values in life are what this man shared with me… reassured me that a man can be capable of maintaining self-respect… dignity… honor.

He showed me so much of himself in that damn game.

I learned about loyalty through the game… from him.  Because he showed me at the expense of his own loss of power.  He honored me with a deep secret about his true authentic self.

He was gentle with my concerns… my wishes.  He would wait until I slept… before going off around the kingdom to do his attacking of other castles to regain his power.  Never in front of me.  Never while I was awake… sans the Conquest.

Yeah.  I knew!  But I wasn’t about to spoil all that fruit!

Always protective over me… in a game.  And through a game… this man showed me the best of his heart and soul.  Because of everything I learned… I know there are things about his life he has kept from me… to protect me and keep from hurting me.

Because that’s who he is.

I miss talking with him… because I had to learn that he was too damaged and caged up with fear… from being so undeservedly hurt.

I miss talking with him… because I was in such a blind rush with wanting to show him deserved love that he was in no shape to handle.

He hides in a castle… just like me.  A safe place from any further hurt and pain.

His castle… much larger than mine.

His Drawbridge… much stronger with an even stronger lock than mine.

His moat… He knows I can’t swim.

And I refuse to drown… knowing everything I’d be taking with me.

My intention for this Full Moon… the day he comes to my castle and yells for me.

Like me… he cannot swim.  Yes, that would be one of the good misfortunes we have in common.  LOL

But I would know it is him.  And I would drop whatever I may be in the middle of handling… and set down that drawbridge before my second breath.

November Punches Hard!

Mercury in Retrograde… until November 20th.  Crap happens.  I just roll with the flow.  Put one foot in front of the other and fix whatever gadgets try to give me grief.

But one aspect I’m really going through Hell trying to keep a reign on would be… emotions.  MY God, the sensitivity is ridiculous.

I leave the house to take care of business.  And that’s the limit to getting out there in the social world.

More pre-washing to accomplish!

Beyond that… I am socializing with my sewing and embroidery machines.  I take an occasional break to go get my belly laugh from a few friends in Facebook.

I’ve made time for learning new techniques from some very gifted seamstresses on YouTube… one in particular… Bernadette Banner.  Click here to visit her YouTube Channel!

I can listen to her for hours.  And I am learning so much.  Our project interests are very different.  Yet… she is a walking library of techniques that can be applied to any form of fashion sewing.

I appreciate her efforts and kindness of sharing to no end!

This weekend was that weekend… swapping all the summer clothes out for the winter apparel.  I sifted both… summer and winter.  Like other items I’ve given away… I’ll be setting these out for local folks that can use them.

I’ll need to pick up another clothing hanger to set outside.  Throwing clothing out on a sidewalk mindlessly in boxes is just not productive.  Seems rather cold and heartless.  Not in my DNA.

I’ll hang pieces up on the hanger, set it out on my sidewalk… and make it easier for them to choose.  A laminated note will be hung… asking for hangars to be left behind so I can add more items when there is more room.

November planetary segments have me scattered.  My healing… my feelings… my emotions.  All so overwhelming at this time.  I feel this way one minute… I feel that way the next.

It’s difficult… when you know you’re running from your own truth… because you think that’s what you’re supposed to do.  Because you feel there is no other choice.

But then… it feels like you’re in this friggin’ battle with your own damn heart.  And it carries some really heavy punches.

I stay busy.  It’s all I can do.  I keep myself handling several things at once… deliberately.  And I think about my boundaries.

Old boundaries that I’m having to remember.  Two in particular…  lol

Give me a break!  Almost 18 years of… legal marital union (insert sarcastic tone) is a long time. Okay?!

I don’t do married men.  And I don’t share.  End of THAT conversation!

But new boundaries are developing… compliments of the lessons learned from that experience… as well as the one that has me soaking my T-shirts… still.

Maybe I just need to get it all out of my system.  I don’t know.

That’s the worst part.  I.  Don’t.  Know.

Telepathy and mind reading are two very different energies.

What I do know is this.  Anybody can ‘say’… nothing.  And anybody can ‘say’… anything.

Anybody can claim to love you.  And you can learn their words are cheap.

Actually… my garbage is more valuable.  It costs me $9.00 per month for the city to pick it up.

Ahhh…. But I’m willing to pay the price.  My garbage going in the correct place is important enough.

What does that say about me?  I am willing to put the action behind my words.

Because that’s who I am.  When I’m given the opportunity.

How do I feel about the lacking of one particular opportunity?

You might be my soulmate…

But all the mental telepathy in the world will never be what wins me over by itself.

So far… I really like these new boundaries.

And then I go to my cards to draw a message from the Angels that they want to share with this post.

The Third-Eye Chakra card (click here) in the Angel Therapy Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue.

My mind is just blown away.  My question is answered.  Solid verification.

I prefer working on my goals with a smile, anyway!  lol

“Thank you Angels!”

From Now On… I Receive. And Then I Give.

For the majority of my life… until recently, anyway… I was one of those people that would take a boat load of crap before I’d get my gut full enough to be done.  Slam doors and lock them shut.

It’s been quite an experience for me.  But people that have known me… know one important thing about me.

When Teresa is done… She’s DONE.

But now… my gut gets full much sooner.  Those doors slam shut and get locked within the blink of an eye.

My intuition is so… On Guard.

I know my scales of balance may have shifted from one extreme to the other since this divorce.  I’ve spent enough time on all those could haves… should haves… why didn’t I see all this back then… and all that other hindsight.

I don’t do married men.  And I don’t share.

He KNEW this.  That fact was made clear before we ever had our second conversation.  Well before I moved to Tennessee.

And still… He lied to me from the very beginning.  Nobody should find out from a man’s 16-year-old daughter that his divorce is not final.

That burning question in my mind.  Why didn’t I go ahead and pack 2 suitcases… leave all our belongings there… and fly Jen and me back to California.

All the way back in October, 2001.  That may haunt me for the rest of my life.

But that was who I was.  Fair.  Willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Trusting he was in it for all the right reasons… like me.

My perception and my willingness to keep forgiving and moving forward.  All the realization bubbling to the surface has really tilted to the far opposite side of the spectrum.  Now… I will never forgive anyone doing me wrong… until they earn it.  And I will bolt… as soon as I see any of it.

There was a time when I really enjoyed playing an online game… Clash of Kings.  I began playing in the beginning… back when it really was fun.  The goal of getting up to Castle level 30 and the fun of designing strategy for winning Battle of The Throne.  You could… actually… design strategies.

Watching The Prince in 007 take The Throne.  Foxxy!!  Oh, my God… was she nuts!  Leonidas… he was the one that took me into my first Alliance.  And then there was Alan!  Macho Blue Collar Worker (my favorite kind!) from Ohio.  Adored him!!  My Warrior!  My Knight!!  “Sic ‘em!”  LOL

And then they jacked up the whole game with this crap called Kingdom versus Kingdom.  And it all went to Hell from there.  It became even worse… with the onset of Kingdom Transfers.

Now it’s all about spending money if you want to win.  I’m talking hundreds and thousands of dollars that go into castles.

It’s become really stupid.

Really great players have left the game.

I ended up having to quit playing the game in 2012… once we began raising cattle.  Funny thing about that.  Dwayne has NEVER had to quit playing that game.

Let THAT soak in.  Don’t be like me! LOL

I began to miss playing the game.  Went back in… November, 2017.  Things were different.  Some of the old players were still there.  But many had left the game.

I went snooping around the kingdom… looking for familiar castles.  Alan had gone into 007 with the Prince before I left the game.  He had more than one castle by then.

So… when I came across a castle that had Alan75 on it… I fished a message.

Two days later… a response comes… in Italian.

I never should have gone back to playing the game.  Another one of those pockets of time spent going through those could haves… should haves… would haves… if only… and all that crap.

Soured again.

I just don’t put up with being taken for granted… lied to… deceived… or abused… anymore.  Period.  I don’t deserve it.  I know who I am.

I reached that hairline moment… about a week or so ago.  Teresa was done.

I quit playing Clash of Kings.  I found myself struggling to stay there only for loyalty to the kingdom and the Alliance I was in.  And the struggle was rough enough that it only took one person barking about something that was so friggin’ petty.

But… whatever.  She wasn’t the reason why I left the game.

One heartbreaking truth I am struggling with right now is… I feel like I’m being pushed into no longer being ‘The Giver’.  I’ve been soured by being hurt too much.

Right now… it’s like… filling sinkholes with solid concrete.  That’s what I do to my heart… every time I get hurt.

And since God already knows… I hate the way it feels.

God never put anyone on this planet with a pure and kind heart… having intentions of ANY of us becoming dark… nasty… mean… vile… malicious Liars… and Players.

Take the Pun.  They both fit that scenario.

I mean… I am becoming older and wiser.  But that is far from the reason behind a gift being kept from the world.  The fact is… I’m learning not to be a Giver.

And it hurts.  I should not have to do such a thing.

But it is what it is.

I’m having to turn the tables on this world.

I’m no Willy Wonka.  And I have no Chocolate for Takers who take… take… take… and give nothing in return.

From now on… I receive.  And then I’ll give.

I’m always preaching about kindness.  Maybe it’s because I’ve had more than my share of too many Takers.

If you’ve made it this far with reading this post… and you haven’t gotten right with somebody about a wrong you’ve done to them…

If you have not already… You WILL lose them.  It’s only a matter of time.

And they get to choose when.  You might think they’ll always be there.  But they won’t.

Sooner or later… they always get their gut full.  And if you fear that… you better wake up and bring yourself correct.  Seek the help.  Ask the questions.

When I think about the whole situation for me…  I guess I should consider all the lessons I would have missed out on learning… had it not been for the unconscionable cowards that only bring red flags to the table.

Thank them?  Feel grateful toward them?

Hell no.  I feel sorry for them.

I’m thanking God and the Universe.  I’m grateful to Spirit… all my angels… Spirit Guides and Light Workers.

THEY are here.  THEY are guiding me out of this hurt and pain.

At the very least… I KNOW I can trust them… and count on them.

Just a reminder… this Blog is a huge part of my healing in my journey to reclaim myself and find all I need for standing in my own truth.  I have the right to live my truth… and not have it affected by anyone else.

More Progress and Transformation coming.  I’m working on it.

Releasing The Fixer

I’m being shown the necessity for me to learn more in releasing my obsession with wanting to be The Fixer for those I love.

I’ve found the whole process has been so much easier for me to gain a stable hand with loving understanding… when it comes to my children.

I think that ease may come from knowing they’re younger and assuming they have much more time in their lives to gain their own wisdom in the journey.

However… there comes a bittersweet acknowledgement of knowing… that assumption is such a high risk.  The unexpected death of a child gone way too soon is something that will always tear down that dam and bring on those mournful tears that soak my T-shirts.

And that is where… almost sitting parallel on my table of thoughts… I find how I still need more time to hone my release of being The Fixer for whomever I have chosen to commit my heart as a life partner.

To love… truly and deeply… is to only want a vision of never seeing them in pain.  That goes for anyone I love… my children… friends… family.  The YOU I carry in my heart.

Somehow… a need is so strong for wanting that power to look them square into their eyes… and remove all that pain for them.

If only it were so easy… to gaze deeply into their eyes and set their world so perfectly as they wish.  Send one tiny star to ignite all the happiness.  Another to bring on the laughter and joy.  One more to fill their entire being with my endless love that belongs to only them.

There is a reason why we call our time on this planet a journey.  Each of us has to seek and find at our own pace.  That’s how we learn how to completely absorb each and every facet to all the lessons in front of us for gaining fulfillment we all deserve in our lives.

To be The Fixer… is to cheat the other person.

Just for example…

Hand a kid $100.00 for no reason every week… no words exchanged.  That is your intention… anyway.  In time… let’s say 6 months… they would become capable of conning you into fronting them the $100.00 intended for the next 3 weeks to come… within only 2 weeks.

Am I lying?  I mean… seriously.

Come the 3rd day of the first week of the next month… they’re back again for another advance.  What behavior do you think is going to show up… when you choose not to be The Fixer… and say, ‘no’?

They throw fits.  They ‘hate your guts’!  They can’t find enough vulgar pronouns to spit at you.  They start spewing lies about you to others… fishing for a sucker… if you really want to get honest here!

Kids are smart… and stupid!

Eventually… once you’ve chosen not to be the obstacle in their way of their journey to learning all the lessons from that scenario… they get to choose how much asphalt they like eating… before they finally learn the lessons.

One way… or another… the lesson is there waiting for each of us.  And one way… or another… we will learn the lesson.  Because ‘God Always Gets The Last Word.’

And… “Daddy ALWAYS wins!”

Helloooo!!

As for not being The Fixer for the one my heart belongs to… I have to learn to stand back.  Let them get there at their own pace.  To get in the way with even good intentions… only brings confusion… frustration… anger… one huge boulder in their path.

That only extends the amount of time they have to endure before their gifts are seen through the light at the end of the tunnel.

I want him to see me standing at the end of that tunnel.  I want him to discover… that strong thread of love I’ve been sending from my heart to his all this time… leads right to everything he’s been running from… searching to find.

Finally… we’ll be on the same page in life.

Only then… can 2 equally-minded souls iron out the plans… and the kinks… taking steps forward only when both are ready.

Only then… will both of us be able to feel… all that awesome stuff that shows up when everything is rolling on the same path.

My only personal wish at that point is… I hope it happens on a Harley!

Because… This Girl will never bend outside of Harley’s and Chevy’s!!

Period.  End of that conversation!

Yeah… I know.  I’m driving a Kia Soul.  I wasn’t allowed to choose in 2015.

Drop it!  Go have a great weekend!

 

**  The card I drew after putting this post in place… #25 “Round and Round“… from Colette Baron Reid’s Wisdom of the Oracle Deck.

You can read it’s meaning by clicking here.