Life Journey – Page 3 – My Morning's Heart

My Saturday was Full

This past weekend for me… was about shaking off all the cobwebs from last weekend. Transformations can be such a draining force on the mind, heart and energy.

I made it through the week choosing strength from spite. “Screw it. I’ll go within and only think of myself.” It was the compromise to get me past pain… disappointment… anger.

I am the kind of person that does not like being angry. I believe in fighting. But… I believe only in fighting for the highest good of everything that is right and fair. Equal. I don’t believe in fighting for only me.

I took off early Saturday morning and headed to my stompin’ grounds. I needed to go to the river. Desperately.

Cades Cove Loop doesn’t open until 10am for vehicles on Saturdays. The early morning hours are for biking through the loop.

That was my excuse for stopping at McDonalds in Maryville… killing one of those Sausage Egg McMuffins breakfast meals with Hashbrowns and Orange Juice. I brought my own coffee from the house… Freshly ground Starbucks Veranda blend… with a touch of whole milk.

The goal for the day… Any damned thing I wanted!

Whatever I wanted to do. Wherever I wanted to go. Whatever I wanted to buy. Whatever I wanted to eat.

“As above… so below!”

I bought another mug. I love it. I found out how much I love it when I got back home. I now have 2 of the same… again! LOL

I could tell from the trees… this year’s color will be late. And we will have a very… very lacy show of color. The rain was not kind enough to visit as much as we needed. The river…wow. So many places on the river where I could step stones and cross over to the other side.

But that also means… the Bears will be crossing over in higher numbers.

WHICH REMINDS ME…

YES. That WAS Me… yelling at the morons that parked their cars in the middle of both sides of the road… about a half-mile from the Ranger’s Station and Campground at Cades Cove… to take a picture of a bear.

One Idiot standing less than 15 feet… from the tree where the bear began climbing down.

That was a very small bear cub… too small to be alone. Mama Bear WAS in the vicinity. This was a very bad scene.

People… we have all kinds of trees and flowers in the park, too. But you won’t see anyone parking their vehicles in the middle of the road and holding up HUNDREDS of other vehicles for a half-hour plus… just so they can take a picture.

Why not? BECAUSE IT’S AGAINST THE DAMNED LAW!!

We have triple the number of hikers in the park right now. The weather is cooler… more tolerable.

We have double the visitors… coming to see the fall color.

At any given moment… one of them could have an accident. A hiker could slip and fall off a cliff.

AND YOU COULD BE THE REASON WHY THEY DIE… because Rangers and Emergency Rescue can’t get to them… all because you might piss your pants if you don’t get that picture of a bear.

There IS more than one bear in the park.

IT IS ILLEGAL to STOP your vehicle ANYWHERE ON THE ROADS in the park… including Cades Cove Loop.

There are designated areas for pulling off the road and parking. FIND THEM. Get your lazy butt out of your vehicle and do a little bit of walking.

I am a member of Friends of The Smokies. I visit this park all the time. Phones get no signal. However… Car Horns do echo.

And as I did on Saturday… I will lay on my horn and begin another friggin’ concert… just like the one that kicked off behind me from lots of other cars. The Rangers heard the horns.

Next time… I will take pictures of your car tags… and take them to the Ranger’s Station.

Before you call me Stupid… remember who chose to park their car in the road.

The traffic bothered me. Even heavier than the normal chaos for this time of year. I wondered what was going on. I found out… as soon as I made that right-hand turn onto Old Mill Avenue in Pigeon Forge.

I forgot about the Arts and Crafts Fair being hosted back behind The Old Mill. Got lucky finding one of only 2 parking spots left at a $5 parking lot across from The Old Mill Stores. Absolute insanity. I decided to hit all the stores first… before going over to The Old Mill Resturaunt for a late lunch.

Yeah…. That never happened. I hit all the stores. But that late lunch turned into an early dinner in Townsend… at Smokin’ Joe’s Bar-b-Que! When all else fails… that is THE GO-TO!

I had already made the drive through Wears Valley… had my dinner… and asked for my Doggy Box… within the same time I would have just been seated at The Old Mill Resturaunt! Never… have I ever… seen the wait that bad. First time I’ve ever walked away and opted out.

Last time I ever plan on eating in Pigeon Forge on a weekend.

But my wish for fun in Pigeon Forge was not all in vain! I came home with bags of Chocolates and Taffy! I picked up my Bread Flour from The Old Mill General Store (right where they mill the grains!)… And a jar of locally made Pecan Creamed Honey.

I was wiped out by the time I got back home. But it was all a much needed break away from the dearest things inside my heart that hurt me right now.

Ya’ know… Just a reminder… We have enough craziness going on in this world.

Choose to be kind and considerate of others. Don’t be that person that stops an ambulance from getting to an accident.

Think of others… before choosing to think only about yourself.

Ready For The Weekend

I always draw my cards after I write my post. It’s this little thing between God… all the Angels… my Spirit Guides… and my family that has crossed over to the other side. I wish somebody else had been here to witness this! It happens every time!

Today has been one of those ‘new type’ of days I have welcomed into my life. Going into my own world… alone… and feeling nothing but peace and hope… confidence.

I’ve been very busy… making room inside the house. Selling off a few things… giving away other things. All in preparation for setting up this house more efficiently and according to scale… for reaching my goals.

I’d love to start painting this place! And the carpet. Ick! I despise carpet. But that too… must wait. Unfortunately… I experienced a very hard lesson after jumping that gun back in 2006. I’m feeding my strength to hang in there until the ink dries at closing on the purchase.

During this waiting game… it feels like a cleansing is happening in my world. New furniture. Revamping some storage shelving for more appropriate utilization in my sewing room.

Making room for my birthday gift to myself… an indoor exercising bike that works on strength and cardio. And a new sofa.

All of this fits into the Big Picture of my new life. I get to choose my own style of sofa. I’ve been able to purchase the exercising equipment that TERESA knew she needed for her goal… rather than settling for less in the fight for half-ass that Dwayne always insisted upon.

I don’t know why I specify Dwayne in the matter. Maybe because he’s the one that happened to be involved in the scenario? Could have been any other partner with the same mentality. But then again… Now I’d be packing their bags for them… much earlier before reaching any such point.

So I guess I should thank him for that lesson.

But my life is about me now. For a change. For the first time in my life.

I’m not hurting anybody. I’m not coming up pregnant. I’m not going to jail.

I’m paying my bills. I’m taking care of priorities. I’m mapping out my goals.

I’m giving back to the universe. And I’m letting go of all that no longer serves my highest good… and the highest good of all.

Even inside my heart.

I feel there’s no reason to waste my time anymore. I’m seeing no reason to hold off cleaning house inside my heart and making room for the love I deserve.

Crickets are for fishing. Not for keeping a loving heart company.

I think I’ll take off in the early morning and go visit the Bears at Cades Cove!! Take the backroad to Pigeon Forge… enjoying all the river scenery. Spoil myself with lunch at The Old Mill. Who knows? I just may go crazy at The Old Mill Candy Kitchen!

Hey… I might run into that Blonde-headed Blue-eyed Park Ranger again… too! And this time… I won’t forget to take his picture. Swap names? LOL ;)~

Anything is possible.

“Jus’ sayin’!”

Just jokin’! Most likely… he’s already got a better half!

Gosh, I love living in East Tennessee!

Dirty Laundry

It’s raining this morning. I can barely hear it hitting the house. And the goosebumps are driving me nuts!!

Oh, my gosh… I will NEVER live in another house with a tin roof! I have fallen back in love with composition shingle roofs.

Even Carlie notices. She didn’t quite know what to think when I opened the front door to let her outside. Been a while since we’ve had any rain here.

Thank God… no more need to dish out the yogurt to her… laced with CBD drops!

Rough weekend for me. I’m grateful for its passing.

Emotions everywhere. Crossroads. Do I let go? Do I not? Sobbing… soaking my T-shirts. Anger… frustration… hurt… pain… fear. The Full Monte.

But when the end of Sunday approached…

I watched WaterBaby Tarot’s Libra reading for Oct. 12^th – 21^st… before my routine of writing down things I’m grateful for… just before I go to bed.

BEST way this weekend could ever have closed out!

Thank you so much, Lady!

The reading reminded me of something I figured out such a long time ago.

Many people ridicule my raw openness and honesty. “Such an idiot… throwing all your dirty laundry out there to the world!”

Yeah, right. Truth is… you only THINK that’s ALL my dirty laundry! ROTFLMAO!

Uh-huh. You know what they say about people in glass houses… right?!?

Anyway… she reminded me of how I came to my conclusion behind my choice of being so open and honest. Not only with myself… but also with the world.

The secret… Okay. Alright. So there can’t be a secret in this. Anyway… The bright light bulb (is that better?) sits behind my personal relationship with God. This is a strong subject in my life.

And the Queen of Swords comes out to defend on this one… very solidly. I live to protect my relationship with God.

God knows me better than anyone else on this planet. And at the end of the day… He will be the one I answer to when I leave this life on this planet.

Nobody else.

He already knows the path I’m headed down. He’s already decided when my time will come for the end of my journey.

He already knows what’s inside my head and heart… before anything comes out of my mouth.

He knows all my feelings. (Think twice, now… there is a difference from the sentence above.)

He knows I’m not perfect… I’m human. And THAT makes me perfect in His eyes. He knows I have faults. He knows I make mistakes.

He knows my struggles inside my mind and heart.

Since God already knows all this… who cares about everybody else in this world throwing stink bombs… caused by their own choices of not diving deep to see all the convoluted conditioning shoved into minds for money?

The fact that they haven’t taken the time to figure it all out… that’s their problem. Not mine.

Again… follow the money. Those damn money mongers.

So… why hide anything?

You can’t hide from God, Silly!

Why fight and deny all the struggle on the inside?

It takes more energy keeping all that crap caged up in a heart and mind. My cartoon imagination gives me this view of God… sitting in a lawn chair… watching someone tangle with all this crap inside. Trying to fight it all… run from it… hide… deny… fear.

And God just sits there… watching. One leg crossed over the other. Foot bouncing up and down. Shaking his head gently… side to side. Grinning.

When those truths and feelings are all about positivity that can bring happiness… no barking negativity from anyone else on this planet matters… when you have The Number One King on your side.

Learning this… practicing this… brings so much light into my world.

Yes. Crap will always come around. This is not about building some cannon to rid the world of evil. It’s about finding the truth you can depend on… for where that safe place exists… where you are more than welcomed to become your own true self.

I remember growing up… LOL… have you ever been around somebody that looked you in the eye and said… “You’re not God!”

Ha! Guess what… That would be me.

And… if anybody is choosing to remain snarling at me for… ‘throwing my dirty laundry out there’… why are you so afraid to learn something from my experiences that just may free up your own world?

I do this out of kindness and love.

What’s wrong with giving kindness and love?

Who’s really the confused soul here?

Just sayin’.

My world is free. God knows when I love someone. God knows when I’m feeling hurt… angry… frustrated… confused. There’s no reason for me to hide anything.

Confusion… is my worst challenge. I’m a Libra. Balance. Truth. Honesty. I live with the goal and wish to do only the right things in life… according to what God intends for my journey.

My goals… come easy. My wishes… can be a challenge. And for me… God knows I will go to fellow Light Workers and my own cards to find His messages for me.

I will dig deep… deeper… as deep as need be… until He gives me that feeling in my gut and the peace in my whole being.

He knows me. He knows I strive to do and be the best of all good… for my highest good… and the highest good of all.

I have no qualms about loving someone. When that person is a good soul… worthy of love… why not?

My purpose in life includes sharing in this blog. Somewhere out there… a soul on this planet needs the support and encouragement. They’re seeking the same truth.

This world is upheaving all the evil that’s been brewing underground… this very moment. God is taking the reins! He’s getting the last word! And it’s going to be nothing less than good!

God bless Greta Thunberg!

There is hope. This is kindness.

We all need a hand-up with understanding… and acknowledging… the reality of all that’s going on in this world right now.

How about offering some reciprocity… by spreading some kindness of your own!

Rising from Ashes

Being granted in my divorce… the right to use my birth name.

This was a tick on a box for the Judge. For me… it was like this huge… thick wooden castle door that had been secured with one of those heavy… rusted… box locks that only one skeleton key could open.

That Judge had the key that opened that old lock. He did that… for me.

This was the gift of having my identity returned to me.

When I mention the word ‘Identity’… I’m not speaking only about a name.

I spent my childhood growing up looking in mirrors… trying to figure out who I was.

I didn’t look like anyone in the family. They all got sunburns. I got suntans. They all had freckles. I didn’t. So… who did I look like?

And through those years… I dealt with frequent blows of emotional abuse that really destroyed me from the inside.

The worst part about that is this.

Each and every day I stood in front of that mirror… getting ready for the day… I gave time to trying to figure out who I looked like… and who… I… was.

And every moment of mental and emotional abuse that came along… ended up being embedded into that vision… that was being drawn in that mirror… every single day.

I wasn’t even allowed to use my name. I’d never seen my birth father. I was 9-years-old when I first found out about him.

My Dad insisted on being the one to give me the story… even though he’d never even met the guy.

And God help me… if I dared to just whisper a question… to even that 14-year-old girl that gave birth to me.

Nobody… in my corner.

Once again… one more reason why she never should have been allowed to bring me home from the hospital.

She was just a kid. She had no sense about her. She had no clue about standing up for a child… defending a child.

She ended up out in the world… having to defend her own self… as a child. And nobody ever bothered to instill any good… positive values into her psyche.

The Domino Effect was real. And in my case… completely destructive.

I’ve worked so hard… over the past 5 years… trying to go find Teresa… and reclaim her. And stop the cycle.

Years of damage can’t be fixed in a couple years. Open wounds show up for others… as well as myself.

I can only say this. I’m aware that it’s my responsibility to heal myself. Anyone else has free will to choose… whether or not… they want to heal themselves.

It all comes down to how much you truly care about yourself. How much self-respect means to you. How badly you want the pain to go away.

And sometimes… the work load required for achieving that… requires total separation from all things that awaken all the pain. A human can only handle so much.

I’m being a mother to myself. Because I never had one.

And on a side note… THIS is something all you so-called Pro-Lifers need to consider.

Because you’re really no Pro-Lifer.

You disappear after the births.

As I just said… NOBODY in my corner.

I had my aunt and uncle as an infant… until my Dad came along when I was only 16-months-old. Why? Because of the laws… of course. They couldn’t be there as much as they wanted. But they were there for me as much as they could be.

And they were just a young newly married couple, themselves.

So get off your Unicorns and get real. Either get all the way in. Or… get out!!

Because I’m living proof of the leftovers from the devastation.

Chew on that… while I get back on topic.

I’m protecting and defending my Identity… giving it a safe place to heal… and finally… gain a chance to develop… grow… mature.

In a world obsessed with labels… I choose my surname for that umbrella I’m standing under.

What am I?

I’m becoming.

And I now have that shell needed for encasing all that I am.

Teresa Marie Tavares.

Conversations

My readings are telling me this next few days will be about looking back over my life. Things coming up to the top. Revelations.

Mind blowing. Humiliating realizations.

Everything shows how it’s all connected to the here and now.

Things I’m trying to heal.

Searching for all the answers to, “What the hell is this about?”

I’ve always understood that communication was necessary. Especially in relationships.

I’ve realized I spent so much of my life under somebody else’s thumb without knowing how to stand up for myself… even communication became an issue.

Wow. It goes back to being told as a child, “Children are to be seen and not heard.”

I was never allowed to speak unless spoken to. Well… beyond knowing when it was okay to ask if I could do something.

I was never worth a conversation. Just answer the questions.

Just the facts.

Oh, my gosh… jump to age 20 years.

Ray Bell. THIS is why I was always falling asleep when we spent hours having conversations!!

I was in such a good place! I was so relaxed! Finally… someone that could relate to things that wandered around inside my head all my life!

We… actually had conversations. And… you participated. You injected. You could lead. It was equal participation.

And they were deep… intellectual… awesome conversations.

Yeah… we won’t talk about the ones… you had… when you were drunk and loaded. *snicker*

I’m not lying! It is what it is! It happened!

Don’t feel bad. They were all funny!

And then… jump to 21 years later… when the story of my recent divorce began.

I was married to a man for almost 18 years… together for a year before marriage.

And looking back… we never had one single conversation… unless it was about something happening at that hangar that pissed you off.

Anything else was like… a business meeting. Discussion of plans… progress… snags… resolution.

Resolution. HA! There was only one… always. That look on your face. My next thought… “Yeah, here we go again. He’s gonna pull a Dwayne.”

The rest of it was the fight to get something done half-ass. Because everything was done so half-ass. And to accomplish anything meant going through a fight.

Not just the photos of all the projects that were never finished, either. It was everything. Everything about that marriage. If it didn’t require a power tool… it was up to me to get it accomplished.

Or… not even waste my time.

I had to pick my battles.

And I own half of it all… because I put up with the crap.

But all that isn’t what even matters to me. Not anymore… anyway.

What matters to me is… the overall reality of the fact that we never had one single… deep… intellectual… personal conversation between us.

Your idea of participation was… answering questions… as little as possible.

Just the facts.

Whatever came to fruition… came from Dwayne’s head… to half-ass.

It was his way… or… do it yourself. And that applied to… everything.

Another phase in my life of… just the facts.

Yeah.

This is not Teresa. That never was Teresa.

And Teresa will not live through that kind of abandonment anymore.

THIS is me now… standing in my truth.

I love having conversations… between two people… both participating.

Deep… intellectual… serious… fun… imaginary… hilarious… heartfelt… loving… kind… genuine… sincere… conversations.

All the beautiful words that describe beautiful conversations between two people in a relationship.

The idea of a man reaching out to me… to fill me in on his thoughts or ideas.

I like this!

Being interested in what goes on inside my head. (Oh, boy… that could be a jump off a cliff.)

Being curious enough to seek my opinion about things.

Choosing a topic and venturing toward each other’s insights… to see if we meet in the middle on common ground with a same conclusion.

Refusing to settle for less than compromise comfortable for each other.

About anything. About everything.

When the conversations become something enjoyed by both of us.

Something that becomes important to both of us… enough that we look forward to having more of them.

Important enough that we come to crave them.

Important enough that it feels like we’re taking turns… stopping the world and stealing time for one of those conversations.

When clocks and oceans aren’t even allowed to get in the way.

Communication is a good thing.

My favorite kind of Conversations are like… a really good home-cooked meal.

And the best of them come from… Reciprocity.

Look the word up in the Dictionary.

You’ll even find kindness and love… there.

One of Those Aha Moments

These days I spend a lot of time driving from county to county. I’ve found there’s a lot to take care of on the tail end… now that this divorce is final.

The days always feel so different for me. Strange.

Just when I begin to feel the ground under my feet… a thought… just one single thought can leave me feeling the ground under my butt.

And the wind knocked out of me… until the tears show up.

I am so happy to be divorced… finally. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that. I don’t even feel anger towards Dwayne.

I think I began working on moving beyond anger by the time I could say out loud, “I want a divorce.”

By the time we finished with Mediation… I let go of the anger and hatred before I walked out of the attorney’s office.

They say you still have feelings for someone you’ve loved… if you feel anything.

It’s not over until you feel… nothing.

I can’t say I’ve made it there… yet.

I still roll my eyes.

I don’t even want THAT to happen when his name is mentioned.

And don’t get me wrong. I WILL get there. Mark my word.

I will get there.

But… that’s only one layer. All the driving gives me time to think. It’s like things are purging from deep inside.

And these are things that… I think I finally get it.

I’m feeling waves and waves of… damage… swelling up and hitting me… one after another. Like a perfect storm.

This has become very disturbing to me. I keep asking myself, “Where is all of this coming from?”

But one thing I feel so… absolutely… sure about… is this.

I know me… and my heart… well enough to know… this is junk that I can’t even consider taking into another relationship.

I’m so blown away to feel how much more keeps coming up from pits in my heart and mind that were so tightly hidden.

Maybe other people can. I don’t know. I only know I don’t have the stomach for going there.

I think I… finally get it.

I said I could love someone without them. I said I could protect that love from even them.

This love… means too much to me. It’s so important to me. It’s a love that came out of nowhere. It was totally unexpected. This love even frightened me enough that I tried running away. It’s a love that I have never felt before… in my whole entire life.

Today I learned… I need to protect that love… from me.

Today I learned… I can love… but not be ready.

It’s my responsibility to protect this love. Because I know all that it deserves.

To poison this love… I would deserve to burn.

I need time to heal.

I can unravel hate… all the way down to… nothing.

But this love… cannot be unsewn.

More importantly… this is not required.

And I can… still… not be ready.

But I can heal… make myself ready… while protecting this love.

And THIS… gives me peace.

( The Wisdom of The Oracle card #33 came up… in reverse… meaning I should adhere to the Protection Message. You can read it by clicking here. )

Snuffing Out Guilt with Truth

Okay… so, you’ve made a mistake of some sort. Big or small… immaterial. A mistake is a mistake.

Or… is it?

In this world… from the time we are toddlers until we die… this world tells us mistakes carry various levels of earned punitive guilt. And of course… most of us have experienced people having differing opinions about how much we should feel guilty and be punished for a mistake.

Read that again.

Let it sink in.

Look back.

Have you ever noticed before?

Do you see it now?

The cruelty we inflict on ourselves and each other is so wrong. How we respond and react is even worse.

Look… how many times have YOU even made these statements?

“We’re never too old to learn.”

“We’re here to live and learn.”

“If we’re not learning… we may as well be dead.”

But this world makes a lot of money by conditioning us to think this statement.

“Every misdeed receives punishment.”

You do this… you get that. You feel this way… unless you stop doing this… and go in another direction.

Are we really learning anything from this?

Were we really put on this planet to learn about consequences… and nothing else?

So many of us are so jacked up inside our minds… just from this one detail in our lives.

Look… it’s time to see the reality of a so-called… mistake.

We were put on this planet for learning about life.

God would never put us here for being punished whenever we fart in the wrong damn direction.

People on this planet have taken God’s purpose and twisted it… to make a LOT of money from it. And they begin the conditioning from the time we are toddlers.

The truth is…

We need to throw out the word ‘mistake’. Time to start throwing the money mongers off their game.

Bottom line… it’s AN EXPERIENCE. You get choices. If you make the wrong choice… the consequences come to you.

However… those consequences come way before any cop… any courtroom… any judge… and prison.

And we’ve all been conditioned to completely overlook those consequences… by the money mongers.

The true consequences sit inside your heart. And it’s up to you to see them. Sometimes… it takes the feelings of others impacted by your choices to help you see those consequences.

And LEARN the LESSON.

The lesson is THE END GAME.

If we all existed in this life God sent us to experience… doing everything perfectly… what would there be to learn?

Let that sink in.

You have free will. You have choices. You can choose not looking to find the consequences inside your heart.

You can choose to refuse learning the lesson.

But THAT is where you meet up with God. He always gets the last word. It’s always good. He is the Father. He raises His children to help them learn the lesson.

It’s when we choose to see the negativity in a choice we’ve made. That brings the learning from a lesson.

And People… THAT is why we’re all here.

It’s that simple.

It’s the truth.

Guilt only has a proper place when we choose to repeat making the same negative choices in any experience.

And THAT sucks all the energy out of our bodies and our experience of being in this life.

Even life-changing negative choices should be forgiven by others… once you learn the lesson from inside your heart and choose the choice that reciprocates only positive towards the universe.

If they refuse to forgive with kindness… see that as a lesson that THEY are needing to learn.

And weed them from your garden until that happens.

Never stand in the presence of those needing to learn lessons from negatives they are throwing at you. You become an obstacle in their path of learning in this life.

This world calls that ‘enabling’.

There is nothing sweeter on this earth for me… than watching someone recognize their wrong choice… taking the time to learn the lesson… and moving forward in a positive direction.

That’s when I forgive. That’s when I love forgiving!!

Forgiveness… this world says we should forgive… even when we don’t receive the apology.

I totally disagree.

It does not help serve the world when that person is out there… continuing with the same choices that bring negative impact on others.

That person is not being served with kindness when we choose to become an obstacle in their path in this life experience.

We stop them from the opportunity of being able to learn the lesson… when we just toss forgiveness to them.

Forgiveness IS to be earned by learning a lesson.

Being kind includes getting out of the way so a person can learn a lesson.

Reciprocity… Look it up in the Dictionary. This world survives on love… gentleness… kindness.

Try dishing out some of your own!

( This oracle card came out in reverse for me this morning… meaning the Protection Message applies in my circumstances. Click Here to read… and learn!)

I’m Gonna Be Okay

I got the back windshield replaced on my Putt-Putt!!!

I’m so tickled! Next on the list… having it Detailed. And then… we head up to Rusty Wallace KIA in Alcoa. The usual mileage maintenance… brand new passenger side mirror assembly… and 4 brand new all-weather tires!

I’ve been knocking out lists since last Tuesday. Just… taking care of business. Doing the right thing.

Deposited the rent into my landlord’s bank account. Mailed off a cashier’s check to pay back my aunt and uncle. Bought a new mail box. I’m hoping and praying I don’t have to cut off a portion of the 4″ x 4″ post that’s already there. Otherwise… I may have to cave in and go pick up one of the power tool bundle sets from Lowe’s a little earlier than I wanted.

But the lists never end. Yes, indeed. And I’ll just keep knocking them out.

It feels so good to watch every task disappear. I feel lighter every time I scratch through one of the items. I’ve been running my butt all over the place… taking care of a lot of things… besides what I mention.

But… That’s who I am.

And still… I made time to reach out to somebody really wonderful… somebody so important in my life… with some truth… only out of love.

Seeds are planted. Ball’s in their court. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink… and all that yada-yada stuff.

From this point… I’ve done my part. They’re in God’s hands. But I will always pray for them. And I will always love them. This person deserves to find healing and truth. They deserve to find peace that stops all the running from themselves.

It’s not for me to sit and wait. I move forward. God says, “Well… We tried, Hon. Maybe in the next life.”

And I’m perfectly okay with that.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve love. I deserve being Teresa. I deserve to have fun! I deserve getting back out there in this world and plugging in, again!

I’ve been looking back… trying to figure out where the electric cord fell out of the wall of life in my journey. Ya’ know? Where did that first step away from being so comfortable in my skin take place?

When I uprooted and left Manteca, California… May, 2000. I never should have done that. Like falling into an old abandoned water well with no bottom.

Would I do it today? HAHAHAHA! Are you kidding me?

I love living in East Tennessee. It’s meant for me to be here.

I can feel that this morning.

This… is the good that has come out of a really dark 19 years of my life.

I’m never giving this up for anybody.

Too many gorgeous roads around here for two wheels! Too many good people!

Too many great possibilities!

And being kind is received by others with warm hearts and open arms.

Being Kind… On the top of… My Forever list!

But take notice…

This wench isn’t sitting on any railroad tracks!

RECIPROCITY… Look it up in the Dictionary. This world survives on love… gentleness… kindness.

Try dishing out some of your own!

Queen of Swords is Dancin’!

Sometimes… life throws a garage full of things at someone. Everybody handles the situation differently. I tend to think the end result shows who they are.

And so it goes… this past week has been me… just trying to do the right thing.

I have not done so alone. I give love… thanks and gratitude to God, Himself… my Spirit Guides… the Angels… and my whole family over on the other side. Even Artist and Zucker.

Yes. The beautiful spirits of a Bull and a Miniature Schnauzer went with me to mediation for settlement in divorce. Not one single soul on this planet went with me… besides my Attorney. But… there was a load of support from the other side that left no room for anyone from this planet.

And for the record… all the Casteels from Texas City, Texas now thriving over on the other side… were there. So was Skippy Bullard. I have always said… “When we die and go to the other side we all learn all the truths. Everything makes sense. And we face what we cannot come back and fix.”

Well… I was wrong about not being able to come back and fix things. They gave me peace when I asked if it was okay to request being returned to my maiden name I was given at birth… so I could finally use it… for the first time in my life.

In the middle of this… My Daddy helped me understand why he turned me down when I was younger and asked him to adopt me. He was all I knew of a father. Raised me from the time I was only 16 months old.

This last name thing was an important subject for both of us. But we lose our egos when we go to the other side. And we find love. Even if we feel like we never really found it on this planet while we were here. In turn… I think my Daddy chose to give me what he was able to receive, himself.

He was… always… a giving man when it really counted.

We shot straight in the mediation. And we won.

I showed up on a wing and a prayer. No insurance. Busted windshield. Thanks a lot, Dwayne. And just enough cash to cover the cost for mediation. Thank GOD AND ME.

All I could think about was getting it over with… so I could just… go get insurance for my Putt-Putt and… finally… get it registered in my name. No more hanging it over my head for manipulation and control.

Since September 16, 2019… I have been on the road… just trying to do the right thing. Of course it came with fighting stupidity. Living in this world would be too boring without healthy stupidity creating ridiculous hoops for people to jump through… securing a few paychecks protected by a bunch of lead in the back pockets of recipients.

I know that will make perfect sense to a few intelligent people.

I’ve managed to get my Putt-Putt registered in my name – get insurance – do some grocery shopping – go to therapy – and schedule a whole mess of pertinent appointments.

I’m scheduled to get the back windshield replaced tomorrow. I’ve scheduled for having 4 new tires mounted/balanced, etc. – a new passenger mirror assembly mounted – and regular mileage maintenance on my Putt-Putt with Rusty Wallace Kia in Alcoa.

Yeah… I’ve never wrecked one of my cars. That is… until I started dodging hammers from somebody I only thought I knew. First time ever. But it could have been a LOT worse. Paint and Body shop’s easy fix.

Somewhere in that mix… after the windshield gets replaced… I’m scheduling to have that poor thing detailed. She looks as rough as I feel after all this nightmare.

I’ve been able to… finally… reschedule my appointment with my Ophthalmologist and get my glaucoma drops called in to the pharmacy. Pick up cashier’s checks for the landlord and paying back my aunt and uncle for helping me.

I ordered checks. But here’s the funny part. They won’t be in for a couple weeks. And… I’ll have to order new checks.

I’m waiting for the final decree to be recorded in Loudon County. Then… I go pick up a few certified copies from the Clerk’s office in Loudon County. At that point… I begin this whole new trip around the world to have everything in my name changed to Teresa Marie Tavares.

Social Security – Drivers License – Bank – Utilities – Doctors – the friggin’ Internet.

Yeah. I know.

I’m sending out new address cards to a lot of places where I do business. And they’ll all have the portion of the divorce decree that shows I’ve been granted return of my maiden name. But of course… some will require my body to walk through the door and produce the actual… certified copies.

More driving. More sitting in line. More waiting. More late dinners.

Did I celebrate? Not like most people might. No DD available.

I was starving by the time we got out of mediation. I had only 2 minutes to spare… God as my witness… by the time I made it to the bank. I’m tellin’ y’all… I’m good at this crap. I’ve just been… under oppression for the past 19 damn years!!

I looked across the street and… “Voila’!” My favorite. Bella’s!! Salmon and Scallops!! Yessss!!

Toys?

I wanna buy a Harley so badly… it’s biting on my butt… so damn badly! I know Smoky Mountain Harley Davidson will take good care of me. I’ll be able to take the classes and all. And I don’t care if it cramps asses flipping me off right now. I’m doin’ it. Mark my word.

But for right now… I just want to get… the other serious priorities… out of the way, first.

I need to get all this bureaucracy out of the way, first. After that… focus on making a decision about going to work somewhere.

I’ve already made one solid decision that holds NO compromise. Period. I REFUSE to work any stinkin’ part-time job… ever again… for the rest of my damn life. If they can’t guarantee me a minimum of 40 hours per week… they don’t deserve me. End of that conversation.

But then again… I may not even decide to go work for somebody else. I just may keep myself… all for myself! By God… I know I’ll give me 40 hours per week… AND benefits!

Toys?

Yeah… I got one of the other two left on my list… today. This came at a really great time for me. Part of my healing.

I have wanted one of these forever! And it was like… it was just meant for me to have this.

Found it on Craigslist. Wonderful lady met me near Oak Ridge to do the swap. Informed me… this little treasure was being passed from one Theresa… to another Teresa.

It belonged to her mother… who never stopped long enough to even use it on one project. I feel another angel has been watching over me. And I am so honored to have this treasure in my hands. I will do my very best for both of us!!

Imagine this… a future biker… who also dives in to heirloom sewing.

Yeaaahhhh! My Libra Energy! Going to Balance those Scales!

Ohhh. And that third toy…

Jeff Rains…. I’m coming after you! You’re gonna give me my first.

“snicker”

People… if you ever wanna be good at something…. Be Kind. And learn how to love.

RECIPROCITY…. Look it up! Dish some out!

When You Just Know

Back when I was living in Maryville, Tennessee… I loved going to Metro Pizza. I live too far to head there on a weekly basis… like I would have done… had I been divorced then.

Sal. I adored him! He’d sit at a table with his beer… while he let his ‘students’ practice all he’d taught them. Yeah… beer. Ha!

I struggled with eating my Calzone while keeping one eye on him. I liked paying attention to him. He was funny! He was VERY charming! And I could tell… he was very wise.

I’d love the chance to sit and talk with him right now. I’d drive him crazy with questions. I think the first question would be, “Tell me, Sal. What were the difficulties of your life in Italy that pushed you to cross oceans and come all the way here to this gluttonous nation?”

I have no idea what the details would be. But… I’d bet on relating to the core in the body of his childhood.

This is something we all have in common… no matter where we come from… no matter where our childhood existed.

If one removes labels… removes status. Imagine us all as humans that become adults walking out of this enclosed courtyard… through giant wooden doors that fit castles… to venture out into the open world that we’ve been gifted. If we all become honest enough to look deeply and long enough… we’d discover PTSD in each and every one of us… on some level or another.

Geographical circumstances bear no difference.

It’s difficult when you are a human being that has taken the time to deal with your own. Taking that journey to find your truth… reclaim yourself… stand in your power that you’ve removed from the hands of others.

The challenge is incredible… treacherous… painful… even frightening. The ultimate accomplishment sits inside mustering up the courage… to jump off many cliffs… just to feel the solid ground under your feet.

Getting to the other side of it all… priceless AND precious.

Welcoming those mornings of waking up to feeling peace… joy… excitement… gratitude… thankfulness… love. All being gifted to yourself… before you take that next breath that will set you off to sharing with anyone else on the planet and into the universe.

It’s called Self-love. The reward for healing the inner-child… so you can fulfill the other half of the universe’s intention. Sharing all that love you have… to give… and receive… with a partner in life.

This world conditions us with so many restrictive and negative nonsensical ‘rules of engagement’ for being a human being. The truth behind it all… Just follow the money and follow the history. Some things never change. And too many generations have never been trained to consider the fact that manipulative practices have existed since Day One. The difference is… the last word that God always gets… is always good.

God has tried cleaning up the mess until He’s blue in the face. He tried the flood. He sent Jesus. You never saw Jesus shoving an offering plate in everybody’s face. But he sure knew how to stretch a few fish and loaves of bread among the multitudes sitting right there at His feet. And he never got a day off to go to Belize.

God even tried throwing in the Book of Revelations. (That’s been twisted from a father’s fair warning into a solid telling of the future… also for the sake of that offering plate) by churches… who preach that fortune telling is a sin… from one side of their mouth… while shoving it down your throat that you better get under the covers with their church because everything in Revelations is prophesized as a definite event… coming out of the other side of their mouth.

Think about that one.

Did you ever experience… one day in your life as a child… when your father told you… “I want you home by 7pm tomorrow night… because I’m going to take you to an inch from your death.” ????????

Now… correct me if I’m wrong. But I believe father’s practiced fair warnings from the time you could crawl. “Don’t touch that. It’ll burn your fingers.”

“I’ll smack your fingers if you touch that plug.”

“I’ll whip your butt if you break a window in this house.”

“I’ll leave your butt in jail, if you get stupid enough to put yourself in there.”

IF….

Beyond the Book of Revelations… I think God has given us free will to choose killing each other off. Are you seeing this truth, yet?

Think about that. I need to get back on topic.

We all end up with a little bit of PTSD coming out of childhood. Every family has their own closet filled with skeletons. No escaping that. Because we’re all human beings.

And nobody is perfect.

Our hope lies within ourselves. Finding that one thread we can pull… that will begin to unravel all the nasty woven conditioning that has robbed us from being able to recognize and reunite with our true authentic self…. The absolute secret to finding the path of love… to heal our inner-child… so we can love ourselves… and others. So we can feel safe about choosing a prospective life partner that we want to fall in love with… share reciprocity.

My journey has taken me to so many answers. So much clarity. So many rewards. Peace. Calmness. A loving heart without lack of trust. Courage. Strength. Finding my value. Standing in my truth without fear. Knowing and honoring what is best for me. Living my life for the highest good of all. Serving others.

That last one is a very difficult one for me at the moment. Painful.

To reach this side and get a good taste of it all. You only want to help someone else get a taste of it. But…

What do you do… when you know in your heart… there is a particular person that has absolutely no reason not to trust you… believe you… feel safe enough to just unload everything crossing their mind into your lap while you just listen?

What do you do… when you just know? You’ve put yourself in an imaginary scenario where you’re forced to make a choice. And you can actually claim… without a second thought… “Yeah. I could do it.” You would die for them.

But they’re too afraid to stop running from having to feel anything in that safe haven.

I’ve been on both sides of the fence.

And right now… I’m leaning on my favorite slogans I learned in Al-a-teen.

“Let go and Let God.”

“One Day at a Time.”

“Teresa… are you referring to the man you’re divorcing?”

Are you joking? I would have to be out of my ever-loving mind to do something like that. I’m getting out of a marriage that’s been more dead than The Dead Sea for over a decade.

NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT! Never again. NOT happening. He is in God’s hands.

I choose living in my truth.

I pray. I breathe… while standing in faith. I send my love through the universe. And I wait for them to catch up in their own journey. I stand firm in believing and trusting God’s seeing to it that they do so. Because they… truly… deserve to feel love and happiness.

“This… or something better… now manifests for me… in divine… appropriate timing.”

(Thank you, Colette!)