Life Journey – Page 4 – My Morning's Heart

Serious Deadline – August 2, 2019

I’m one of those people that try to handle my own crap. This ‘amicable’ divorce has been one of them. I’ve been fairly silent while trying to handle things. But I’m backed against a wall and can no longer stay silent.

I need Angels. It’s time to step out of the box… like a Rebel.

When we discussed divorce in November, 2018… his very first move next morning was to go to work and contact Benefits and have his Beneficiary changed over to his nephew. A few days later… he cried… begged me to help him with the cattle until March, 2019. I agreed.

March came. My part of the deal was completed. I went to find a job. I guess he was shocked that I got the job I wanted. Who knows. All I know is what happened next. He became very nasty.

Like everything else… the idea of looking at me to get the ball rolling on an idea that fell into his head. His idea was his decision… as far as he was concerned. Papers would be printed off the Internet, we would sign them, get one attorney… to file the papers… and I would just leave with whatever he didn’t want to take with him to Missouri.

And that included every dime he hid in another bank account without giving me access.

In the meantime… he paid off the loan he got on a Zero-turn mower that appeared out of nowhere in our basement garage. He spent a few grand on his 1-ton Ram Dually.

He paid off the KIA Soul (he said the balance was around $6,000.00)… which was HIS choice for me to have for a car of my own. He paid it off. But has refused to put the car in my name. And then forced me to pay for renewing the tags this year.

His decision to walk away from the house and let it foreclose changed… after I had put up with him pushing me to find the attorney to get the papers printed and filed… yada, yada.

“When are you gonna get busy? When are we gonna do this?” That has ALWAYS… WITHOUT FAILURE… meant in reality… when would me, myself and I… make whatever fell into in his head happen.

Well… I made things happen. I went and got an attorney. And that… thoroughly… pissed… him… off. Bottom line, he never expected me to become a little wise.

Hindsight is 20-20, always. And when I look back now… I should have packed suitcases for Jen and myself and forced him to pay for plane tickets back to California… when his 16 year old daughter informed me that the divorce between him and her mother was not final… first month we were living in Tennessee. He had lied to me. I believed him. I trusted him. I gave in to moving to Tennessee to build a life with him.

THIS will NEVER happen to me… ever again.

Once he knew I’d gone to retain an attorney…. he realized I’d been informed of all my rights in the distribution of marital assets. His first thought was of not having the cash he thought he’d have for buying his big farm in Missouri. He’d have to get a loan. He’d need to keep his credit intact. (Of course… I’d been told for years, “You don’t need to worry about your credit score.”)

So he changes his mind and decides to put the house up for sale. Without saying a word to me… knowing that my name is on the Deed to the house… I come home from work one evening and he tells me that he needs me to help him get the house ready because somebody’s coming to look at the house. He had already hooked up with Real Estate Agents. They had already been to our house… while I was at work.

People ask me why I signed the papers given to me by him and the real estate agents. Trust me… there are realities to the truth that you would not be able to wrap your head around. I am learning about a person I married and never knew existed.

The only action he performed in March was putting in his retirement notice… never telling me until the last week of March. All our insurance fell out at the end of April.

I’m working an average of 16-hours-per-week at Home Depot, making $11.00 per hour. Jennifer’s off on one of her little unbalanced moments in life. And frankly… I can’t handle her drama right now. I have no other family here.

I have no friends. That’s another thing he managed to accomplish. Isolating me from all his coworkers and acquaintances. But… I can say this. After working for that Airline for 27 years… his last day was like every other day there. Not even a cake. No thank-you… nothing.

I’m not able to go to my doctor for checkups. I’m paying for my therapy appointment. I have to pay for my meds… all this compliments of everything I’ve endured with him. I was able to stop taking my blood pressure meds 2 days after asking for the divorce. But my blood pressure has been back up and I can’t afford to go to the doctor to get checked out.

I’ve had to pay for gas in the car. I’m probably gonna have pay for insurance… and God knows what else now.

All the photos I’ve posted on my Facebook page and Instagram… of all the things I’ve done in my life here, while married to this man. Handling cattle by myself. Raising vegetables and chickens for eggs and food to can, freeze and dehydrate. All the errands… grocery shopping, trips to Costco… covering up to 5 counties in East Tennessee to find vaccines… even feed at times.

Having to get a neighbor to help me cart a newborn calf into the barn during a nasty storm loaded with lightning. Coaxing the bull back into his paddock after he broke through the fence. Mowing acreage because it grew too fast before his next day off.

Laundry… cleaning… cooking… too busy for making new friends. While he was pulling pranks on coworkers inside a hangar. If I called for help… “I’m at work. I can’t leave.”

And dealing with it all… around shift changes during the year… which forced me to work around it… or… wait around it… and led to me being the one getting the least amount of sleep. Finally… I put a stop to me getting up at 2:30am to fix his damn lunches. I decided it was time for him to be a big boy and fix his own damn lunches… so I could get some sleep.

I came home from work this past Friday evening. Found a Penske Moving Box Truck in the yard. He left out of here on Saturday. Said he’d be back for the rest of his things and the cows in a week.

Every time I’ve asked him for money to help me move… his answer has been, “My attorney says, No.”

We close on August 2, 2019. I sit here packing and going to work… knowing I have to bring a minimum of $500.00 with me to the Mediation… which was scheduled on August 13th (soooo conveniently) by HIS attorney…. AFTER the closing on the house.) Yesterday I was informed the date for Mediation has now been moved up to mid-September.

I need Angels. Are there any out there?

Looking Deep for Love Inside

I made a run up to the Little Pigeon River and made the loop around Cades Cove a few days ago. I needed to blow out some cobwebs and clear my heart and mind. Spring flowers… the flow of the water… just wandering through the trees helps.

Brings that childlike innocence of adventuring in nature back to my center. Best kind of vitamin for me.

Winter has been strange this year. Spring is looking very strange around the park. Like the feel of February.

Everything is taking it’s sweet time waking up. I was there on Friday. And I said then… that it felt like all the trees were saying we’re not quite ready, yet. Normally… we should be seeing all the greenery popping under the canopies… flower buds preparing to burst open.

Sunday morning… sure enough. Coming back from town I could see all the snow on the mountains.

But even the mountains seem to possess that same little secret I’ve used for a survival tool all my life. “Even in the worst of situations… it simply takes searching a little deeper to find the good… the positive.”

The closer I got to the ground… the more hope I began finding!

Sometimes… you just have to keep searching… to find everything that lives inside you. Like a game of Hide ‘n Seek… once it sees you… the love finally lets go and brings that smile to your face and joy in your heart!

It Feels Like…

… that eighth month of pregnancy.

Patience. Waiting on Devine Timing. I think I understand the struggles of a recovering addict.

Got the job I wanted!

I start next month.

Found the house I wanted! Perfect for me! Right in town! Finally… city utilities!! Buh-bye septic! Close to my new job! Been on the market for almost a year!

Somebody puts a contract on it… the very first day I go in for training.

Three-day out-of-body experience.

Pulling feathers out of my butt. Full Monte cussing and yelling rant while pacing all around the house. The chinking doesn’t really do much for the logs. But the glass in those windows must be pretty thick.

Phase 2. Quiet and angry. At least I’m being quiet.

Phase 3. Sad.

Phase 4. Finally. The crying begins. The dam breaks. And I just let it go… feeling the disappointment pouring out. Get it out of my system so I can get back up again.

With all that’s gone on for so long… it was long overdue and I just could not remain peaceful to pacify the planet.

But I got back up.

Just as I kept going back for interviews until I got that job… I’ll keep window shopping for houses until God finally bends!!!

In the meantime… I’m repotting everything I can get my hands on. And I bring something else home to repot… every time I hit a store. 🙅

Nothing wrong with bringing something home to shower with love and kindness!😉

Paychecks Do Not Define My Qualifications

My greatest challenge in my journey to reclaim Teresa after almost 18 years of marriage… is stepping into the workforce to support myself financially. This is the longest period of time I’ve gone without having a job where someone hands me a paycheck.

That does not mean I haven’t been employed. Farms and ranches hire and pay people to do what I’ve been doing. I just happen to be that farmer/rancher… on a smaller scale.

However… that job also shared me with all the tasks on the domestic front. And when you live in a rural area… you become one of the Oil Industry’s sweetest customers. You burn a lot of gas driving around several counties… grocery shopping… loading 50 lb. and 100 lb. sacks of feed… hunting down veterinary vaccines and other health aids… your own medical appointments… you name it.

And you still have all those other errands that we all tend to in city life. Hair salon appointments… shopping for clothing and shoes… cultural events. Just a few examples.

I have worked harder than any job where I’ve ever collected a paycheck… including working on that tarmac at McGhee-Tyson Airport.

Cattle do not care if there is a foot of mud in the paddock… the hotwire fencing is covered in a half-inch insulation of pure ice… rain is coming sideways like a solid blanket… temperatures are 110* Fahrenheit…. or… -16* fahrenheit. They need to eat. And they can’t feed themselves.

I’ve set up excel sheets for each animal. Healthcare… Breeding… Birthing. I’ve maintained keeping track of serial and lot numbers of all pharmaceuticals administered to our animals.

NO… we don’t use antibiotics and such… until they become ill. And we’ve only had two cases in all these years. But we do immunize for preventative measures against disease.

I’ve handled the sterile process for pulling tail hairs… electronically submitted Genetics Testing Requisitions and payments to U.C. Davis… and followed through with hard copies included with tail hairs through USPS. I’ve dealt with similar process for registering certain animals through one of the breed’s associations.

I’m 4’11″… female… and 59 years old. And I’ve been handling all this with my soon-to-be ex-husband… while he has maintained commuting to a job in the airlines… where he works inside a hangar for 12 hours each day. His schedule has never been consistent. And I’ve dealt with a great deal of time tending to our cattle by myself… which is done so twice daily.

There were two of us that refurbished an old tobacco barn built in 1920. Tearing out a third… while reconstructing inside for stalls and a tack room. There have been two of us setting in fence posts… running webbed wire and hotwire for construction of paddocks and pasture area.

There have been two of us offloading round bales of hay from the bed of a pickup truck and livestock trailer.

The calves come. Bottle feeding was an experience required on one occasion (thank God!)… through the day and night. Training for handling with halters and lead ropes. I’ve trained every one of our cattle for handling in an open area with no fencing. I’ve trained our first bull to do whatever I asked… simply by verbal commands… with complete success.

I’ve tended a vegetable garden… raising vegetables that I spent time prepping… canning… freezing… and drying… to save on the grocery bill.

I’ve done my own baking… including bread. I’m being told my cooking will be greatly missed.

Please remember… I’ve had all the housework… cooking… laundry and errands… while handling my main job… which landed me no paycheck.

How many people in this country are being given a paycheck to handle each one of the tasks I’ve just laid out in this post?

I think I’m qualified for a really good job. I think I come to the table with a lot of tenacity… commitment… common sense… problem solving… intelligence… fortitude… and GUTS… just to name a few good qualities.

I’m worth much more than only being regarded as not having been given a paycheck in a decade and being 59 years old.

I’m Worthy of Acceptance of What Causes Me Pain

I guess I’m experiencing another tower moment this day. I don’t know. My morning was gifted with a heavy… heavy fog. Here we go… again.

Stepping back. Game Day for the tears. Unleash. Save the dam. Let ’em go. Just let them do whatever they’re gonna do. Get them out of my system… while I go within for some… incredibly needed… self-love and healing.

The walls are back up. That drawbridge is back up. Nobody other than Spirit… my Guides… and my Angels enter until I am healed enough to step outside my castle.

My plans are changing… apparently. And I’m okay with that. I love me. And when it comes down to the nut cutting… I am enough. And I will be perfectly okay. A little more hardness on the shell. But I’ll be just fine.

Meaning… I won’t be accepting personal phone calls… texts. Nor emails.

I’m seeing something in myself that this world will just have to accept right along with me. I don’t do ignored communications. For any reason.

I’m too tech savvy to know there’s always a way to reach someone in this century of technology. And I’ve learned way too much about crickets… and men.

Never the way to behave with me when someone asks me to do something in part of the plan.. and I do so as discussed… respond with an update… and only get crickets… for days.

This does not work. It never will. And at this point… that team plan becomes a single-sided… whatever… without me.

I’m just too kind to do this to anyone else. And that means… nobody has any right to be this unkind toward me.

Ready To… Go

“For one day soon you will step into your own stunning universe—beyond the myths, outside any limitations or predictions, far from the illusions this life invents—as you answer the call to uncover the many starlit truths contained inside your incomparable soul. You will be reborn to fresh and glorious revelations only you can carry to completion. And while all the infinite possibilities expand within, may you sing aloud, rejoicing in your new birth, no longer owned by anyone’s idea of who you should be.”

~ from Open Passages – Doors and Windows to The Soul by Susan Frybort

I don’t know about any of you… but… I am so ready for 2019. I feel as if I’ve awakened to discover 2018 has been a year that I spent carrying baggage… adding more along the way.

Like being on vacation with an overnight bag in the beginning… buying a new suitcase for packing new treasures at every place you travel to visit and explore.

But when you arrive home… you begin opening suitcases… and finding rocks. And you think back… over all that time… carrying all these suitcases. The hopes… the excitement over thoughts of how much enjoyment to come in the future… packed inside.

The heartbreak… disappointment. You concede to all the reality before your eyes.

When the miracle becomes… dumping all the rocks in a quarry… selling all those suitcases… just to spare yourself from having to look at them one more day… and closing the doors to your mind and heart to anymore thoughts of another vacation.

Shedding all the baggage that’s been nothing more than deception… lies… and absence… in return for everything you’ve been carrying.

I can only hope 2019 will be kinder… at least kind enough to help me find a way to find the lesson… so I can feel grateful… and thankful.

Because I am kind.

That Fork in The Road

Sometimes… one can go years in a marriage before realizing… there’s a fork in this road. One realizes they’re wanting to go in a different direction. And suddenly… the entire picture of life begins to look so much more brighter… simpler… happier.

Such became the case in my journey to reclaim Teresa. I reached a point where the stress in the struggle had affected me physically… to the point of taking anti-depressants… anxiety meds… and then came blood pressure meds.

Time was closing in on me. A decision to move to Missouri was racing on the calendar. And I wanted to wrap an anchor onto a pier… more and more… every day I awoke. But when the blood pressure meds came into the picture… I knew I had to sort out and find my strength to decide which direction I was going.

By then… I had so many reasons why I did not want to move to Missouri. This marriage was sucking life out of me. Moving to Missouri would isolate me even more… bringing me to my death much sooner. And I’d decided I wanted to come back alive… and live.

People grow… and change. We all do. And it’s not fair for one person to have the comforts of growing in their own journey… while expecting the other to conform… at the expense of leaving their true self way back… years behind. Time lost. Soul damaged. One thread left for hanging on.

Especially when an angel has come onto the scene… and reminded you of who… you really are. I mean… if that doesn’t bring you a wake-up call… God take you on home.

It just felt like pure common sense to make my case and ask for a divorce. I was finished with life being all about convenience for someone else… at the expense of my health… well-being and happiness.

I was scheduled to see my doctor 3 days later… for a regular follow-up. We never got through the usual routine. Being granted a divorce had my blood pressure drop… too low! My doctor took me off the blood pressure med. We expect I’ll be able to stop taking my other two meds once the divorce matters are all in the past.

Amicable. Fair. That will be this divorce. He’s just happy that I’m not wanting to clean his clock out. I’m shocked that he wants to continue raising cattle. He says they’re his kids. Nobody can take these kids away from him. Believe me. I get that. If that’s what makes him happy… I’m happy for him.

But I deserve to be happy… just as much. And I have so many reasons to feel excited about getting that chance!

Breaking away… True Self… Amicable… Fair… Truths… Self-Love… Self-Respect… Happiness… Joy… New Love… etc..

These… and many more… are all good things that each of us deserve to embed in our lives while we’re here. There is no law that says we must give up these things… for anyone else. Nor should we ever think we are entitled to snuff out those same candles in any other good soul.

Take time to examine how much of these good things you have in your life. If you find any missing… make time. Make the effort. Feed your soul with the goodness it deserves.

Remember…. you are Love. Be kind to yourself. And be kind to others.

Finally Becoming Ready For A Real Fight!

I doubt I’ll ever forget all those feelings that came erupting to my surface… once I realized I was looking at Teresa standing all alone… what seemed like… miles and miles behind me.

“What have I done? How did this happen? Why would I allow this to happen?”

Love. I realized… In my struggle to survive… just how addicted I had become… to giving of myself to all others… with hopes of all that I am being cherished by those receiving my gift.

And had I been accepted… respected… loved in return? Yes. For all I could do… for others. For just being… me? No.

To be Teresa meant doing for Teresa. Placing Teresa into the grand scheme. Doing so took away time devoted to others. Life began becoming uncomfortable for others.

Convenience is who I’d become. And when I awoke that morning and chose to go reclaim Teresa… Convenience began disappearing… much to the discomfort felt by others.

Anger began showing up at my feet. I began stepping over the piles… defending my own wishes… wants… likes… preferences… for once in my life.

My gut was full. And I cannot describe the amazing feeling of… truly not even giving a damn if it made anyone else feel… uncomfortable… for a change.

Perception takes a hit… from both sides… at this point. But here… we are talking about my journey.

A freedom I have never felt before.

My next step… to hone in on that freedom. Doing so without anger… defiance… retaliation… and all those other dark emotions.

I’ve since found my way to accomplishing that. So know this. It is possible. And it can bring a sense of wholeness that we all seek in life.

Have you ever gotten your gut full of giving and giving… until you just have no more… of anything… to give… to anyone?

Take time to sit in stillness… the quiet… or… some place that calms you. Take time to give to yourself. Love yourself.

Because YOU are love. You deserve love. Love comes in millions of other forms!

A Quad Vente’ Latte’… a day in the forest… baking loaves of bread while nobody else is in the house… listening to soft music. Dancing to songs you loved through all your years of growing up… when you’re home alone. A soak in the tub… with bathsalts… or… bubbles!

Love yourself today! Be kind. And… remember to be kind to yourself. YOU are just as real as anyone else!

The Journey Begins

Okay… Here we go! Thanks for joining me! I am looking so forward to taking this ride. There are so many changes happening in my life. And I must say… 2018 has been an incredible churning of events that have brought me to where I am at this time, in my personal journey.

There was a morning when I woke up and… I’d had a dream. I’m walking forward… looking backward… seeing myself standing all alone… way far behind. This was my true self. I had left myself way back in the day… years ago… putting everyone else… everything else… in my sight where no more room remained… for Teresa.

Before finishing my first cup of coffee in the morning… I was ready for taking a stand… fulfilling a goal. It was time to push all the clutter to the side and… Reclaim Teresa!

I’ve learned so much. What I have received has been such a dynamic reason for looking forward and feeling inspired to learn all that awaits for me on my path.

Come join me! Giving others the opportunity to learn from my sharing is one of my hopes and pleasures. Who knows WHAT you may learn for your own journey! Wouldn’t that be awesome!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton