Life Lessons – Page 2 – My Morning's Heart

Empires and True Love

Imagine this. Close your eyes and envision this incredible materialistic empire you have created.

One night… the police come knocking on your door at 3:30am… waking you up. Asking you to come with them.

They take you to your empire… where it is burning to the ground.

By daylight… everything you have built… that materialistic dream of yours… sits in ashes… completely destroyed by fire.

What would you do?

“I will rebuild it, again.”

Yes?

One can always rebuild a materialistic empire.

And you can delegate its care and survival.

But you see… this is impossible with humans… relationships… love.

Humans, relationships… and especially love… are like the most beautiful garden on earth.

You find all those treasures that provide beauty and the scents of every kind of perfume and cologne ever brought before our senses.

Each of us is blessed with our own mass of humans that come and go in our lives.

And our deepest of blessings is granted… when that single precious human comes to stand before all others.

Gives of them-self… from the deepest places in their heart… with every ounce of their being… to no one else.

Only YOU.

The greatest secret to any garden is to discover that there is always one plant that may flower for a few days out of every year.

But its true beauty reigns in its inner existence… which brings out the beauty of its whole being for the rest of the year.

You cannot delegate the care and survival of that garden.

It requires your personal attention.

Constant nourishment can only be received from you.

For that effort… you are blessed with your own nourishment… coming to you 10-fold in return.

And only the truest essence is capable of giving such.

The beauty only becomes better as time moves along… blessed with your personal care.

As in any garden… weeds will appear. They will crowd your vision of all the beauty.

Unless there comes an end to their ill intentions of stopping you from seeing the one that came to stand before you in front of all the others.

Other flowers may put on a glorious show… mesmerizing the whole world with such outer beauty.

Only to poison anyone touching anything exposed from its inside.

Outside beauty can be evil.

Not that everything beautiful on the outside can be evil on the inside. But that is the fertile ground where it hides.

From this experience you learn to decipher between a weed… a poisonous flower… and the truest of the beauty in the garden.

When a beautiful plant shows up in your garden… like some surprise… and it refuses to die because it lives for you…

It returns your care… attention and nourishment by touching your heart with its beauty on the inside…

What do you do?

Have you found your truest beauty?

Where are they now?

How well have you tended to your garden?

And I Made My Decision

The alarms on the clocks sound from my Kindle and my phone. A new day arrives after making a decision before bedtime last night.

I chose walking away.

I know me. I know my heart. I know my conscience. I know the kind of love I am capable of giving. But I also know the kind of love I deserve.

And beginning today… I will love me.

I rise for my usual morning routine. My bed is made. I dress. Carlie gets her tone collar put on before being let out for her morning constitutions. Her breakfast is prepared… soaking in hot water to make its ‘gravy’ that she loves.

The usual brushing of my hair and teeth. Then… I grind fresh coffee bean and set the pot brewing. That soft ‘bark’ at the front door. Carlie comes back in and heads for her breakfast after removal of her collar.

There is something about the smell of a fresh cup of hot coffee before the sun even begins to rise. It’s like… “Good morning!” And just taking a few moments to absorb how it makes me feel… makes me ready for my next couple of hours.

I’m into my daily guidance on YouTube… listening to Tilly’s daily reading for today… when I have to pause. Carlie’s finished breakfast. She won’t let the world continue until she gets her cookies.

Tilly’s reading is finished. I move on to Gemma’s reading for the day… followed by Uriel’s reading for the weekend.

It’s amazing how all three women cover all aspects of life in their own way. Light Readers are gifted with their own unique guidance.

I’m so comfortable… thankful… and grateful for how I’ve come to rely on these three women for offering me a peek into what I can expect for the day… what guidance I need from The Divine, the Angels and The Universe.

Fanny is my Go-To for my monthly guidance as an individual. Still… I gain those daily steps from the other three earth angels!

But it was my own readings I did last night… through Colleen Baron-Reid’s Wisdom of The Oracle and Lucy Cavendish’s Dragonfae Apps (apparently, no longer available in Google’s Play Store?)… that led me to my final decision.

The rest of the day will include more study for a couple hours into the subject of my main goal in life… as well as the current tasks I’m in the middle of handling. Daily household duties requiring my attention around the house will be completed. And my evening will be free for planning my weekend.

I always pay attention to how my entire body feels after making decisions like this. There is a sense of peace that covers me. Reminds me of a baby’s face… just after entering this world and resting on Mom’s chest… eyes open and looking up at her… so quietly and relaxed.

All the locks at the Dam of Tears seem to have been shut down and not a drop releasing.

And for the first time… I feel what I had manifested long ago… when I experienced the first round of pain that took me too close to a cliff’s edge that nobody really wants to ever see.

I wanted to think of Alan… and feel nothing.

I needed to feel nothing. I know me. I have fought a part of me for a very long time now.

There is no man or woman on this planet worth ending your life over… just to feel nothing.

Yes. It’s a war inside one’s self. This was the worst war I’ve fought.

Many battles with hope… faith… that loyalty I tried hanging onto for dear life… for only all the right things that have been allowed to exist inside my heart.

My Castle Doors slammed shut. Several times. That Drawbridge lifted and locked tight. That Moat filled to the brim and loaded with a fresh herd of every kind of sea animal that would eat a man or woman without leaving a bit of evidence.

And still… I remained willing to meet halfway… to reopen negotiation… with him.

It’s exhausting. But this morning I can wake up and say… “I truly gave it my best.” At least I know I tried.

But this is not my loss. He gets to own the loss.

And he will never know all that he lost. Little does he realize… I never showed him all of me. I’m not that naïve.

They never see the best of me… until they’ve given me the best of them.

I win. In the end… I get to have Teresa.

Difficult. Emotions running so deeply. Confusion. I’m not happy with how things are between us.

I try so hard to be patient. Understanding he is going through his own stuff. I have no problem with that. My problem is the fact that he will not communicate with me.

He cannot see that I can be a friend… as well as a partner. To help each other heal. To help each other see other perspectives. To help each other recognize the obstacles in our paths… so each of us can work through our own issues.

Just having that support can make all the difference in the world.

His dead air pushes my patience. Leaves me questioning whether I should hold on to hope and faith. Remain loyal to him. Or… should I walk away?

Does he care how devastating it would be for me to walk away?

I could do it. I know I would survive this. But I know I would never be the same.

I know there would be much of me that would die inside. This frightens me. This late in my life… after all the lost love I have endured throughout the years. I know me. I would not ever care to ever love again.

There comes a time when a beautiful heart becomes too tired.

He cannot see… or, he does not care… how it hurts to feel he does not feel safe or secure enough to come to me as a friend to help him deal with his pain.

To give him different perspectives. To give him support and encouragement for facing those issues we all face about ourselves that can be so difficult to look at and work on.

To do so in a gentle and compassionate way.

I feel we are… both… strong enough to accomplish this.

There is something so strong inside me that tells me this is why we came to know each other… from the very beginning. To help each other heal. To be in each other’s corner. To be that honesty with gentleness and compassion that only encourages us to overcome our pain.

To journey through it all with each other and become two incredible human beings on the other side.

It’s not a deep dive into some shallow love relationship I’m looking for. Hot and heavy on the scale of similarity to hooking up in some nightclub. Walking out the door at closing time… thoughtlessly heading into a tornado that only dies off in a short period of time.

Not that they all turn out that way. But too many do. And I want nothing like that.

My prayer is for a reality in the lives of two people who need to heal and want to become the very best that the Divine intended for each of them.

To be courageous enough to allow each other inside for offering raw objectivity. Helping one another see issues and obstacles we’re not able to see in ourselves.

Being that needed support that gives each other that safe feeling and courage to overcome issues causing us pain and/or confusion.

Being able to look at one another as we scratch off one more issue from that list… and feel we are looking at the one person that makes us want to knock out that entire list… so easily. Taking a moment to soak in all those wonderful feelings it gives us to realize this.

He cannot see I do have a life. He cannot see I am very busy myself… with daily tasks and working on my own goals. Making my own personal dreams become real. Working on me as much as I can.

But he also cannot see the mountains I could climb with a smile… the doubled joy in my heart… that incredible load of energy and enthusiasm… simply by having communication with him on a regular basis.

And he cannot see the same difference it could bring for him. If only he would let me.

All I can do on my own is put this in the hands of The Divine and The Universe. And continue to pray for him. Beyond that… there is only one truth I know for sure about us.

So much to walk away from. Too much.

Did You Hear That Door Lock?

I just need to say… I am so relieved to have walked through that door to 2020 and left 2019 buried in some cemetery. Bottom line… simply one horrible year for me.

In my Tarot readings I was advised to work on planning during the month of December. Major decisions were made for my life. Lots of shedding. Lots left behind.

But then there were the important things in my life that I got to choose to take with me… into 2020. Goals. Decisions. And with or without me… People.

There are actually… very few people I chose to take with me. But this will be the year when I build new friendships with like-minded people having that same depth of heart and emotions… conscience… kindness… respect… and goals!!

This year is about my heart. Happiness. Goals. There can never be enough said about Goals. Prosperity. Abundance.

Love? I don’t know. In God’s hands. Divine Timing. For now… I am enough. I have to be enough for now. And I’m okay with that.

Did I tell you I’ve got goals? ;)~

My Twin Flame. In God’s hands. But never left behind. And never without my love. I pray for him. I pray for his happiness. I pray for the Universe to bless him with Discernment… Strength… Courage… Wisdom. Everything for him to rebuild himself from the center of standing in his own truth… his own authenticity… his own wishes… his own goals… his own dreams.

I still believe in him. I know he can do it.

Understanding and compromise would be two wonderful goals.

I just refuse to pray from inside some closet. I think that is unrealistic… inhumanely unfair. And I KNOW it’s just… non-negotiable.

Certain other loved ones that I chose to bring with me. And then there are those that… basically… helped me choose to leave them behind. And I’m perfectly okay with that. I know my truth.

This year is about getting back in touch with myself. I was so lost and separated from myself for so long.

This is my year. Finally. It’s my turn.

I stay more to myself now. The time will come when it is safe enough for me to speak about all the hard work I am currently in the middle of completing.

Sadly… there are people in this world that just thrive on bringing other people to failure by their dirty deeds. Out of jealousy. Out of insecurity.

Simply because you are no longer at their disposal for using your talents to improve their lives… at the expense of your own. And of course… when all that happens the rest of the world around you is fed a lot of false bravado… which seems to be preferred over truth and honesty in this ever-increasing mad world.

Pathetic. But hey… those abusers get free will, too. Whatever.

I prefer to stay to myself and focus on the positive issues in my life. I mind my own damn business. I take care of me.

In essence… I’m really not doing anything much more differently than I’ve ever done before. The only difference is… Now I’m doing it for someone that SEES my hard work… APPRECIATES my efforts… REALIZES my value… and GIVES ME THE CORRECT CREDIT THAT I’M EARNING… THAT I DESERVE.

I’m doing it all for myself.

The difference I feel inside of me is something I cannot even measure. Now my heart receives what it always needed before… in order to give me that drive to keep moving forward with accomplishing even greater things in life with so much more pleasure and satisfaction.

The results are now much better. No more half-ass. I’m a lot less stressed and tired. No more having to pick my battles. No more having to fight for half-ass.

I’m able to make a decision. And now I have the freedom to lay out the tasks in such a way that makes it easy for me to get things done.

So simple. Which only shows… it never had to be so damn difficult… nor ridiculous.

All the money in the world… won’t even hold the value of an ounce of human piss… against the value of brains… conscience… integrity… truth… common sense… self-love… self-reliance… and self-respect.

And THAT… was in my little suitcase that I carried with me through that door to 2020… after burying 2019 in a cemetery.

I just hope everyone else in this world finds their way to their own healing… truths… finds their own value… self-worth… and self-respect… whatever you need to make you feel whole and happy… from inside yourself.

Happy New Year!

Forever a Milestone for Me – 2019

Deep lessons I learned this year, which came with great sacrifice and loss. But compensation was taking back my power and finding Teresa.

I can only pray for others that no longer understand me and/or want to be around me… and hope life and the universe bring them around to choosing to heal themselves.

I love them all. But the cycles needed to stop somewhere. Cleansing needed to begin somewhere.

One man wasn’t my only problem. I brought my own issues to the table. And there were others involved.

Adult children in this country need to wake up and look at themselves. I’m not alone when I say this. I’m hearing parents of grown children everywhere saying the very same thing.

It blows my mind. It breaks my heart. For all of us.

None of us is perfect. We never reach any particular age and know it all. Learning never ends for any of us… including parents.

The fork in the road led me to two choices of paths. I took the better road. They don’t know. I was one hair away from checking out. Nobody would ever get to have me ever again… if I couldn’t have myself.

So there. I chose hope.

I learned we all asked for this experience of Life on this planet. We had to get here some way. God made a way. All He expects is for us to be guided until we become adults.

I learned nobody is perfect. Many fail at being guides. There is no manual.

But we all get a second chance. It’s called becoming an adult.

That’s when we have the freedom to choose seeking healing to exude that unique soul inside each one of us… that we bring to this life… and take with us when we leave.

Until every one of us finds that healing… we will never have that reunion. And ‘We’ is every soul on this planet… especially families.

I learned about real love.

I found real love in me.

I learned TRUTH.

I learned how to become free from being mentally conditioned… manipulated… controlled.

I witnessed hope in a 16 year old young lady that set this world on its toes… as she traveled all around the world… lighting fires in hearts that DO CARE… EXPECT TRUTH… DESERVE TRUTH… EXPECT CHANGE… DESERVE CHANGE… for the HIGHEST GOOD OF ALL.

Greta gave me courage. Strength. Hope.

And speaking of…

Strength. Self-Worth. Value. Fair Boundaries. Peace. Tranquility. Balance. Happiness.

Goals I have reached!

I pray this hits home for so many others. If you’re hurting… Seek an Empath. Seek a Spiritual Healer. Seek a Reiki Healer. Google the words. You’ll never regret it.

Learn the TRUTH about Tarot. It saved my life.

Happy New Year, everyone!

2020 is gonna be so awesome!

*** “Serendipity” – Card #18 from Wisdom of The Oracle Deck by Colette Baron-Reid. (Click here) to read the meaning of the card.

My Lines are Never Blurred

Unlike that photo above, for sure! WordPress really needs to work on their transfer of media into their libraries. It goes south.

My lines for my boundaries may extend a little further than some people. Never the less… I do… have strict and specific lines drawn for my boundaries.

Those lines do protect a strong portion of details within a relationship whenever I am involved with a man.

I think I can safely say… any details I have shared out in the open in this blog are… simply… what can be expected… after a man has given plenty of effort into leaving me feeling betrayed… after leaving me behind on what was nothing more than a one-lane road.

Any kind of a relationship comes with its own value. That value is determined by efforts made by two people… both people.

Never would I claim to be perfect. God knows… I am the first to acknowledge that fact. And that’s why I’m so involved in healing myself.

I’m constantly looking forward and heading in the direction for becoming the best human being possible… from the inside out.

Others may feel no need to strive for self-improvement. To that… “God bless ya’!” Must feel so great to be perfect!

I’m working on it. ;)~

Anyone else has free will and choice to be all they wish. Good or Bad. And I have the choice of not allowing any man into my life that chooses being Bad.

I know who I am. I’m a good person. My heart is genuine. My conscience thrives on being legitimate… for only good and best intentions. My Daddy raised me with standards that I have never forgotten… despite his occasional… “Do as I say… not as I do” events in his own life.

Trust me. He’s over on the other side… laughing at me right now! He knows! He knows.

You may manage to find your way inside. I can promise you that will be your greatest challenge in your life… after my hard fight with getting through this divorce.

But that never means you’ll stay. It’s your choice for how you handle your part that determines such.

And when you hurt me… when you betray me… when you choose to do physical damage to me… or… within the perimeters of the relationship that cause it to end. And especially when you choose to behave downright nasty through the exit…

Yeah. You can count on me showing the world who you chose to be in my life.

But as far as any healthy relationship that is thriving between myself and my partner… THAT is when I am more than pleased to confess being selfish with my choice of privacy.

The first reason why I choose to behave in such manner… believe it or not… is out of respect for my partner.

If you can’t figure out when I lose respect for a partner… go back to the first post of this blog and catch up.

Yes. The boundaries are there. And reciprocity keeps all that goodness healthy.

I am a Giver. Granted… this past year has dealt the toughest fight I’ve ever experienced. But this has only overhauled this lady.

Getting into my castle… behind those walls that were only made three times stronger after this divorce… will never be anywhere near as easy as before.

My willingness to give as much in the process of initiating… not so plentiful anymore.

Lately… I find comfort in going back to the good old-fashioned ways of how a Gentleman should take the lead… and how he should honor the gift God gives him… with every breath he takes… if he wishes to receive it all back ten-fold.

The older I become… the more I come to figure out exactly what I do want in my life… what I don’t want in my life… and what I will not allow into my life. Turtles cannot lay the number of eggs to keep up with the growth of my strength… determination… and my will.

All this is definitely connected to my personal choices for all that I hold dearly from within a relationship with a man.

So… my answer is No.

You will never witness this blog exposing everything I may share with a partner. But I can say this. While I may throw their evil deeds out to the universe for cleansing as I go through all this healing… I am diligent about owning my own faults that I can understand would have been a contributor.

If… and when… I miss owning a fault of my own… you can be sure it is only due to the absence of communication needed for making such aware to me.

So… for those of you pulling feathers out of your butts over my last post… you can stop now!

Some Journeys Go Around The Holidays

I’m at a point in my life where my trust in anything and anyone… has been absolutely shattered.

I’m feeling safer by just being alone at this time.

I’m not even capable of responding to messages on the Internet from any guy I don’t even know. Honestly… he’s better off if I don’t respond.

There is no telling what may be loaded in those darts I throw.

I’m really going through a lot of deep diving in this journey right now. The process has its days when sorting can be quite overwhelming. Issues surface from out of left field… totally unexpected.

But you can’t heal until you address the wound.

I have warned people before. I am raw honest. This is my journal about my journey.

Over the course of my life I’ve been forced… manipulated… even conned into holding back… in so many ways… for so many shallow-minded… mean… selfish reasons… by many people.

What have I learned from all that so far? I’m learning how to avoid putting myself in those scenarios.

But for now… this is my turn. And there’s no holding back from purging anything.

So put on your seatbelt.

Because today I’m talking about… sex.

Serious subject for me. I don’t take it for granted. And I have put a halt to me being taken for granted in general. But even more-so… with sex.

I communicate some really deep emotions through sex. For me… it is making love. I’m saying ‘I love you’… in the deepest way possible.

Having your child… was my way of saying how much.

Yeah. Missed the message. Didn’t you!

Well. I tried.

Sex is not part of some daily routine for me… like Pilates… Yoga… Jogging… or some other daily exercise.

Yeah. I don’t do the Quickie before heading to the grocery store… or the races… or a family dinner… or even before going out dancing. I might be looked at… or maybe even touched on my arm like a feather enough to make us forget about going to the grocery store. And the only thing possibly happening after getting dressed and before going out dancing might be a couple shots.

Just sayin’. Gotta catch us, first! lol

But.. no. Sex is not a glimpse in my book.

When you’re having sex with me… you need to understand that I am telling you this is not just some date with me. I am letting you know that my feelings for you go deeper than just dating. I’m letting you know that I want to have an exclusive relationship with you. I’m telling you that I love you. And I’m letting you know that I want to fall in love with you.

And if that’s too deep for you… feel free to go find a more shallow… pond!

Promises don’t count anymore. Too many men have broken promises to me.

Noooo. Actually… the pathetic truth in that statement is… I have not had sex with every man that’s broken a promise to me.

Been a long time since I’ve even been around any man that can be trusted by his word.

My two marriages were quite… dynamic… in their own special way.

My first marriage… I ended up having sex with multiple partners. The man I was married to… and whatever friend he invited into our bed with us each night.

Jim Beam… Johnnie Walker… Jack Daniels… whatever. And that crap got old… really quickly.

Believe me… saying ‘I love you’ was… far from anything I had to say to any of them. Most of the time… it was… “Goodnight.”

Ask him! Oh wait…. he probably will not remember. There were nights we did and he still thinks we didn’t. What else can I say?

My last marriage… I have no idea what to even say.

Okay. Let’s try this. I never got a fair chance to start saying, ‘I love you.’

Yeah. Almost 18 years.

Reconstituted Virgin I am!

Shut up. I AM being nice. You weren’t there.

I had a post come through my feed somewhere (I hop around like a cricket on my breaks) earlier this week… asking a question.

“If you could go back and do one thing in your life… what would it be?”

My first thought was…

“I’d go ahead and follow through with my plans… that night I changed my mind and decided not to go out to Scruples on the night before Thanksgiving, 1991.”

Back then… everybody that was living out of town always came home for the holidays.

The true love of my life was hit and killed while trying to cross the street to get to his pickup after walking out of Scruples that night… actually, around 12:30am Thanksgiving morning.

Everybody had practically crawled over each other… three years prior… to get to me and tell me he was getting married… two weeks after I came back home from California. Of course, I knew the truth about why and all. And she had to live through the truth… which had to be difficult. He had free choice. I loved him that much. And yes. It hurt.

I ended up having to move out of town. I could not go out anywhere with friends… without him being there with her. To be expected. Small town. But when I’d walk inside a place… he’d forget she was even there. He even pinned me in the hallway to the bathrooms one night… while she sat at a table seeing everything. I couldn’t allow that.

Some of my words… “No, Skippy. I will not let you do this to her.”

He made the 4-hour drive to come looking for me one weekend. Found him and one of our friends on the dam. Drunk… bleeding. Tony’s truck torn up. They’d hit some elder lady’s car on the dam. I insisted we keep driving to the house… where I called his brother. Left a message. By then… I’d heard about rumors she was going around town spreading… things I was supposed to be doing around town… while I was living over 200 miles away.

I’ve always known. I’m just that damn good. Ya’ know? Right. (smdh)

I wasn’t about to give her anymore fodder. She’d done well enough on her own. I knew they were going to jail. I knew his brother would come bail them out.

What I didn’t know was… he was coming to find me… and tell me the divorce had been filed. None of his so-called ‘friends’ ever bothered to call and tell me anything then… despite having the toll-free number for my shop.

Remember… this was winter… 1991. Did we even have cellphones then?

I found out later… the divorce was supposed to be final on Thanksgiving Day.

But I woke up Thanksgiving morning, 1991… made coffee. Walked outside to take the dog out to go pee and get the newspaper. Came in. Poured my cup of coffee. Sat down with the newspaper. Opened it to Page 2.

I do not remember much about my life from that morning… Until January 1992. I do remember nothing making sense. I remember feeling as if my presence on this planet no longer made any sense.

Jen and I back in California. Living with my birth parents. I decided to go to school to become a state certified Animal Health Technician. They’re strict in California. You can’t get in with experience, alone.

This was supposed to be the thread that would keep me hanging on. It didn’t turn out that way. But that’s a whole different chapter about my survival.

I lived with guilt… for DECADES. Thinking I could have saved him… if only I had gone ahead and gone out to the club that night.

It was 2007. I was washing dishes. Thinking about Skip. The guilt sent me into tears. This pain never went away. Something I just never could quit thinking about. It happened a lot. But on this particular day… something different happened.

I heard my Daddy. “Baby. It wasn’t your time to go. You understand?”

After all those years… he showed me the reality I had never even considered. He decided it was time for me to know the truth… 16 years later.

I would have gone with Skip. Who would take care of Jennifer?

And then I realized… it was my Daddy that put that sick feeling in my gut that made me change my mind that night. Overwhelming guilt in my head about leaving Jen with Mara to babysit. But he did it to save my life. And he was worried about Jennifer as well.

I don’t know why it took so long. Maybe it was Skippy’s request. With all the wisdom and understanding I have now… that would make perfect sense. And I guess I would deserve it.

Wanting me to hurt as much as he loved me. So I could finally see… he really did love me. He really was faithful to me. He wasn’t screwing around on me… like all the other guys I watched doing to their wives and girlfriends when I drove to Matagorda for the weekend.

I sabotaged that relationship with the love of my life… out of fear. If all the other guys were cheating… why should I believe he was being a perfect angel for me?

The truth is… he was. I just did not have any self-confidence to believe I was worth being loved that much… in the very way I always wished and hoped for. Forget loving myself. I didn’t even know myself. I’d never been allowed to know myself freely. Teresa was already shoved down in her little pinky toe.

But just as I’m writing this post… I’m realizing… my Daddy came to me with the message around the time I… finally confessed to my… new-ex… out loud… the fact that I would not be married to him… if Skip were still on this planet.

The longer I think about that question… I would go even further back in time… for that one thing I would do over again in my life… if I could.

Skip knows exactly what night I’m talking about. To have all the knowledge I have about life and spiritualism today. To get the chance to go back to that night. Everything in my life would take that road God intended.

Skip’s over there with my Daddy now. He knows everything as well… just like my Daddy. And he’s very well aware that I’ve never made it any secret to anyone close to me that knew him.

He was the love of my life. I would have had another dozen kids with that man. And he tried! He fought me with the birth control!

You couldn’t put crazy past Skippy Bullard! That is God’s honest truth! Anybody still living who knew him will verify!

But today… life is what it is. And just knowing the truth is enough for both of us. It has to be. We can’t go back.

Still… here I am. But everything changes as I move forward in this journey. I learn more about who I am… and what I no longer have to put up with. What I no longer have to fear. What I no longer have to settle for. What I have every right to receive for all that I give. And when I’m pushed… I push back.

I deserve love in all the best ways… for all the right reasons.

I deserve my love to be accepted in all its forms as truth and with complete understanding.

Unfortunately… trust… will be the most difficult challenge for any other man to earn from me and build with me… before making it through these castle walls that protect me.

Now you see why I’m prepared to be alone?

At least I’m honest.

*** Interesting reading about the meaning behind the card I drew after finishing this post. (Click Here) to get there.

Game Over – Betrayer Loses

This post goes out to a particular person. And you know who you are.

I went to bed last night, needing medication to help calm me enough so I could sleep… after going in and finding your cold… frozen message.

For quite a while now… I have needed answers. Nothing was right. Nothing made sense. Who was this person leaving these messages?

You are not the man I know. And that was verified for me this morning (click here).

I now know I’m being protected by Archangel Raguel. He knew all this needed to make sense for me. He knew I deserved to know the truths.

Because you make absolutely no sense to me… anymore. Not as you are. Not as you choose to be. You are not your true self. And you know this. You struggle to run from yourself. You hide from your own truth.

Your loss. Not mine.

Knowing even the worst of circumstances gives me back my power. I can now move forward… using all my strength in more positive and productive areas of my life.

And I am.

I will not sit in Hell with you. After this morning… you can choose to exist there. But you will do so without me. She will never be me. And you also know this.

You know who I am. Remember? “You are the one.”

Your words. Not mine.

As I’ve said to you before… “Wish in one hand. Piss in the other. See which warms your heart faster.”

You chose to run. You chose money… over that love your very own soul craved.

Ask yourself. What does that say about you?

You found that love. But now you choose to lead with your ego… rather than your heart. You choose to defy God’s plan. You choose to lose… everything.

I did my part. I fought. I fought for us. You chose to destroy… with your ego. I would be wrong to fight any longer. That would make me the Idiot you have chosen to become.

I know better. I will always answer to God first… before I ever fall into Hell with you. You have now put yourself into a position where you will have to crawl out by yourself… without me.

The question is… will you have the courage?

I doubt you. You’ve given me every reason.

Because I will NEVER come to you… ever again. I do not acknowledge cowards who choose Hell. Who choose ego over heart. Who choose money over a Queen. Who choose greed over God.

Archangel Raguel intervened. He knew I deserved a full… completely honest explanation. He led me to the Light Worker in the link above. I have never come across her before. Nothing happens by accident.

She read you like a book. You make no sense. But everything she shared in that reading makes perfect sense.

Not only did you refuse to handle what is your responsibility. You put on one more of many masks to impress those around you. Cruelty upon the last person that deserved such from you.

And you know this. That’s the worst part. Isn’t it?

Now I know why I have been hearing such strange things from so many other readers… all in sync… same messages. They all talk about your drinking. God knows there has been too much pain in my life caused by drinking already.

Like I said… I’m being protected.

You are a sad state of affairs… by your own choosing. You betrayed me. At the very least… I am disappointed in the person you have chosen to become.

I deserve better. And I have all the faith in this universe… to believe Raguel and all the other Archangels will bring to me the real man I truly deserve to experience love with.

Meanwhile… I am enough. I am content in my own love.

Where I lack faith… is in you. You betrayed my belief in you. You betrayed my faith in you. You betrayed my loyalty. You betrayed my heart. You betrayed my love for you. You betrayed my kindness. You betrayed my gentleness. You betrayed everything I am.

All because I loved you.

From my two dancing partners, now two of my Angels watching over me.
I love you Skip and Daddy.

Now… I can breathe.

Always Thankful and Grateful!

Today is Thanksgiving Day in America. The holiday tends to have a quirky nonsense to me anymore. For one thing… the Commercialism of the holiday has become shamefully insane.

I’m grateful for the years in my childhood when I was able to actually enjoy watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. It’s not worth bothering with the few minutes buried under all the television commercials anymore. Sad. Disgusting. Really disgusting.

But importantly… Every day is a day of Thanksgiving in my life. I never let a day pass without giving thanks and expressing my gratitude. So many reasons to feel so thankful and grateful. Feelings that should never be ignored.

But out of respect for the holiday… I have put a few little ‘extras’ into the dinner I’m preparing. My first Thanksgiving after Divorce! Ha!

Cornish Game Hens… rather than Turkey. Common any day of the week in my kitchen. But to honor the main Character on the table for the holiday… I scheduled specifically.

I even prefer these over chicken. They add so much more flavor to Chicken Salad! (Ha! Beaten out by the little girl!)

My apologies to all you chicken farmers… but it’s true! You’ve dumbed down the flavor. See if you can fix it. ORGANICALLY… please. Then… we can talk! Lol

I made my bread dressing! This year… I get to make it… my way. Oooooooooooooh!

Fresh Spinach… steamed in butter!

You don’t bring that canned, or, Cool Whip crap in MY house!! Carlie approved! A huge dollop from one of those beaters hit the floor! LOL

I’m making Pumpkin Custard dessert… instead of Pumpkin Pie. Again… making it… my way. AND… I get to put roasted pecans over the whipped cream. LOL

Homemade Cranberry Sauce. And this year… I got to follow the recipe. Because TERESA likes the squeezed orange juice AND the cinnamon! Lol

Candied Yams! Yessss! My sauce… my way! Doubling up on the Marshmallows!

They’re in there. Under all that butter!

I can hardly wait!

Wine. My favorite Go-To for casual. Barefoot’s Pinot Grigio! It’s a Girl Thing… made by Girls!

Of course… my guest won’t be having wine.

She’ll be having Apple Juice!

Cornish Game Hen(s). Did you catch that earlier?

One for me… One for Miss Carlie! Completely de-boned… of course! But she gets all the other dishes right along with the main entrée!

Yes. I’m having Thanksgiving Dinner with my Basset Hound! She lives here. She’s family. She’s here. She’s included!

I’m thankful for her presence. I’m grateful to her. Over these past few months… there have been times of being lost in tears when Carlie has been here for me.

It’s like… she knows. She’ll come out of her crate in the bedroom and just… show up. Lays her head on my knee.

So yeah. I’m having Thanksgiving Dinner! And I have family here! And I can feel the presence of my Daddy and all the others over on the other side as well. Oh, the memories of all those Thanksgiving Holidays at Grandma and Grandpa Casteel’s little bitty house!

Anyway… we two girls… are going to flat-dab… pig out!!

And we should always take time out of our busy days… every day… to sit and take inventory of those particular blessings that fill our hearts with the love that gives us happiness.

Life is just way too short. We should never settle for less… or compromise whatever… or whomever… gives us that feeling as if our heart is just bubbling over with happiness.

Each of us is one soul that is responsible for ourselves. We are the ones who get to decide what makes ourselves happy. Just as I have learned… I am the only author of my story.

And we fall against the grain when we allow others to take that power from us. We cheat ourselves out of so many more blessings intended for us in this one short life on earth we’ve been granted.

Be thankful. Be grateful. None of us is ever alone. And Family isn’t defined within a box.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

Major Personal Wish Come True

One more wish come true and scratched off my Bucket List!

Thank you… Thank you… THANK YOU… Jeff Rains! You can find him on Instagram as thejeffrains.

Oh. You can also find him in Knoxville, Tennessee!

This has been a very personal endeavor of mine… for quite some time now. It has been placed on my left fore-arm. I’m left-handed. It’s there to grab my attention!

I think the timing was perfect for this one. I put a lot of thought… consideration… and sentiment into the story behind everything it represents for me. Subjects that are very precious to me. Secrets… that can only come out now.

The tattoo makes the statement of where I stand in my own truth.

“I am… The Only Author of My Story.”

Quite the play on words. And they all fit!

One of my major affirmations about by myself. The power to run my life and make my decisions now rests in my own hands today. Teresa has reclaimed herself. Free from anyone with bad intentions.

I am… is the last Being I will ever answer to when it’s all said and done… God.

No more submitting to anyone else’s insistence… and being left hanging in the nasty consequences.

I get to choose all that now goes on in my life. And I’ve already discovered those choices are turning out results that are pretty damn good… so far… I might add!

Where once this huge thick wall of hurt and pain kept me caged… all the devastation and disappointment caused by others that could send me falling apart crying anytime I had to look at it. Just to try talking about any of it… would bring this massive tidal wave that I came to despise.

Not anymore. No more tidal wave.

I was able to tell the story that relates to the tattoo… while Jeff was bringing it to life. Not one single tear. No tears from any of the stings as well!

I have wanted to reach this point so desperately… since I was a very… very young child.

The Quill… well. Some of us know what… some of us… have said about a feather. Right?!

I’m joking! It’s my Quill… for the writing of the message.

The Arrow… When I first saw the arrow… what came to me was the impact of this connection that hit me back in January, 2018… from oceans away. Took a couple months before it hit. Took a little more time trying to run from it!

Alan didn’t just give me courage in a game. I took that gift and applied it to my life… to my goal of reclaiming Teresa.

The color of the ribbon… his eyes… the color he described… and the fact that I have never seen them.

There remains a tough subject that carries continued struggle. You can only cover so much in an hour of therapy. Right?! I did get through explaining this part to Jeff without losing it. Although I didn’t get in very deep with many details.

I have always said… “Nobody really knows me.”

Today… I can say there are three people that probably know me best. Alan… My Aunt Judy… and my Therapist. Because I had to keep the peace… by keeping my own thoughts and feelings about my identity… myself… anything about me… to myself.

It was the only way to keep it legit… without lame… shallow… narcissistic excuses coming back at me… trying to water it all down to nothing.

The calligraphy in the tattoo is written in Portuguese… to honor my Paternal Grandmother, Beatrice Tavares. For the very short time that we were able to share with each other… there came a time when she had promised to teach me to speak Portuguese after I learned to speak Spanish.

The significance of her existence in my life has been another… secret issue. The truth… there was very little of this birthright… for which I was deprived.

Grandma Bea died in February, 2007… in Clear Lake, California… while I was hospitalized in Maryville, Tennessee with 18 staples in my gut after having an emergency hysterectomy. I believe she was 91.

It was the Tavares family’s opinion… upon meeting me in 1990… that I looked just like Grandma Bea.

I loved talking with her! I have spent many years feeling angry about manipulation in deprivation of any developed relationship with her.

What little I do know… so far… is this. As an adult… I can see the very strong woman she was… by the career she sustained and retired from… working in a ketchup factory in the Bay Area of California… taking care of 3 sons and a daughter… by herself… after a divorce.

She was wise. She had always planned and saved. She made sure she would be financially comfortable without any help from her children in her later years.

She enjoyed her own 1-bedroom apartment… and those senior bus trips with all her friends… all around the country! And when I did get the chance… I sat feeling so mesmerized… listening to her stories! I just enjoyed listening to her talk. She was funny!

I’ve never forgotten the short time I got to spend with her. And I live every day now… with the knowing that all that manipulation will fail. Because I will get to listen to her stories… all I want… when I cross over to the other side.

And NOBODY will get in the way of that happening.

For now… I’m wearing my very first Portuguese lesson!

I’m happy!