Life Lessons – Page 4 – My Morning's Heart

The Ashes are Stirring

This morning has been overwhelming in the area of emotion. Listening to Tarot with Tilly… her upload for this morning’s collective reading… everything I was experiencing in the morning began making perfect sense.

Right off the bat… resisting Alan. I could feel him thinking of me. And for the first time… I didn’t want to feel that.

The tears just overwhelmed me.

This resistance coming from inside me felt so strange. It was confusing. Resisting and sobbing at the same time. Yet… I welcomed both.

Lately, I’ve been very withdrawn. Deliberately. I’ve needed time alone. I know I’m going through a strong period of time in my life where I’m shedding my skin… releasing all those in my world that have not been for my highest good. Those that have only entered moments in my life when they needed something from me. Those that have always expected my presence in their lives and giving them the support they need. When the end result has been… they have never been there for me in return.

You know who you are.

It is true… you can count your true friends on one hand. I love you, Deb. This shoe I’m throwing this morning does not fit you.

And I love… and thank God for my Aunt Judy and Uncle Danny.

I could not figure out why I found myself moving around the house… doing things… setting up dishes to wash… clearing tables… unpacking… organizing… while just sobbing the whole time.

And then it dawned on me. I recognized EXACTLY where I was standing… while living in my now. I realize why I am here in this solitude… withdrawn… going within to be with my inner-child… while I deal with this divorce and all the loss.

I’ve been here before. It is my safe place. But it is a different place in my eyes and heart this morning. Because I see a LOT of ‘house cleaning’ that I need to do.

There is another whole level of healing in this safe place for me to tend. Healing before cutting cords… to honor courage… knowledge… truth. Standing in my own… rather than succumbing to the opinions of others.

Total disregard of my own choices… desires… wishes… decisions… everything I feel is best for me. So many years of subjecting myself to allowing others to force their own onto me. Many times being left behind to suffer terrible consequences… while they walked away.

No more. It comes to an end. I feel driven to Shed that damage… and come out on the other side with Strength in all the goodness that makes me who I really am… The Soul nobody has ever bothered to dig deep and discover.

I’ve learned through Tarot that there are cords which connect our existence in the now… all the way back to our childhood. In my case… I see clearly now… where those cords grew very thick in my marriage. Looking further back… I see the common denominator with their existence in my childhood.

I’m in my safe place right now… because I’m free to give myself the love and support… emotional contact… that every soul needs… wants… requires… deserves… to share with others. It was so absent in my marriage… same as in my childhood… and even now.

Eddie Altum was the last person to ever give me a really good hug. What… the year 2000… as far as I can remember.

The absence of reciprocity… looks like some sewage reservoir that has existed as one of the most profound areas in my being… all my life.

My safe place is where I’ve always gone to hide. I could go there… when I wanted to get away from having to give anything of myself… to all others that only cared enough to take from me.

And in the case of my marriage… I woke up one morning… understanding the declaration from my heart and mind warning me… that they just did not have one more drop… to give.

I’ve come to peace with my decision of… “Fine. You have nothing to give in return? I have nothing more to give of myself to you.”

That has become a very healing truth coin I keep in my pocket.

I have gained very deep pockets. And I am earning many versions of the Coins of Reciprocity I only wish to carry.

I am a human being… before I am anyone else… to anyone else on this planet.

And Dane Hart is absolutely correct. “It is my right to live my truth and NOT have it affected by ANYONE else.”

Yet… when that well of giving begins to swell again… it craves finding someone… to give to. So willing. So able. So tender. So damaged. So blind.

But all that giving lands… once again… in the lap of… desperate takers. Filling their boredom… entertaining their ego… who knows.

But this woman no longer cares. Everything… is changing. That sewage reservoir is disappearing.

She can have her own feelings of love for others… and protect them from those very souls. Refusing to give all that love to them… to keep them from taking it.

Taking all she is… and all she has to give… for granted. Abusing it… giving nothing in return… walking away until… they need from her again.

Devastating and destroying the God-given goodness… of the soul from which they merely robbed.

No more. Never again. Not even my Spiritual Twin-Flame will cause me any further hurt and pain. I’ve reached the point of resisting… with more than enough strength… from that very first clench in my heart… caused by him thinking of me.

You want a war honoring your Selfishness? You got it. Whomever you may be.

And you lose. Because right now… my level of selfishness is way too strong for you to conquer robbing me of all the love I feel inside.

And that’s why… I feel so comfortable and safe in my place of solitude and healing. The ashes are stirring. Strength grows there. And there is nothing… and nobody… that will ever succeed getting inside there… ever again.

I am all mine.

I will come to the other side of this. But this time… Any strength in me seen before by anyone… will amount to bread crumbs… compared to what is rising inside me now.

I will no longer… need… anyone… to love me. I will be enough love for me.

I ALREADY AM enough.

Serious Deadline – August 2, 2019

I’m one of those people that try to handle my own crap. This ‘amicable’ divorce has been one of them. I’ve been fairly silent while trying to handle things. But I’m backed against a wall and can no longer stay silent.

I need Angels. It’s time to step out of the box… like a Rebel.

When we discussed divorce in November, 2018… his very first move next morning was to go to work and contact Benefits and have his Beneficiary changed over to his nephew. A few days later… he cried… begged me to help him with the cattle until March, 2019. I agreed.

March came. My part of the deal was completed. I went to find a job. I guess he was shocked that I got the job I wanted. Who knows. All I know is what happened next. He became very nasty.

Like everything else… the idea of looking at me to get the ball rolling on an idea that fell into his head. His idea was his decision… as far as he was concerned. Papers would be printed off the Internet, we would sign them, get one attorney… to file the papers… and I would just leave with whatever he didn’t want to take with him to Missouri.

And that included every dime he hid in another bank account without giving me access.

In the meantime… he paid off the loan he got on a Zero-turn mower that appeared out of nowhere in our basement garage. He spent a few grand on his 1-ton Ram Dually.

He paid off the KIA Soul (he said the balance was around $6,000.00)… which was HIS choice for me to have for a car of my own. He paid it off. But has refused to put the car in my name. And then forced me to pay for renewing the tags this year.

His decision to walk away from the house and let it foreclose changed… after I had put up with him pushing me to find the attorney to get the papers printed and filed… yada, yada.

“When are you gonna get busy? When are we gonna do this?” That has ALWAYS… WITHOUT FAILURE… meant in reality… when would me, myself and I… make whatever fell into in his head happen.

Well… I made things happen. I went and got an attorney. And that… thoroughly… pissed… him… off. Bottom line, he never expected me to become a little wise.

Hindsight is 20-20, always. And when I look back now… I should have packed suitcases for Jen and myself and forced him to pay for plane tickets back to California… when his 16 year old daughter informed me that the divorce between him and her mother was not final… first month we were living in Tennessee. He had lied to me. I believed him. I trusted him. I gave in to moving to Tennessee to build a life with him.

THIS will NEVER happen to me… ever again.

Once he knew I’d gone to retain an attorney…. he realized I’d been informed of all my rights in the distribution of marital assets. His first thought was of not having the cash he thought he’d have for buying his big farm in Missouri. He’d have to get a loan. He’d need to keep his credit intact. (Of course… I’d been told for years, “You don’t need to worry about your credit score.”)

So he changes his mind and decides to put the house up for sale. Without saying a word to me… knowing that my name is on the Deed to the house… I come home from work one evening and he tells me that he needs me to help him get the house ready because somebody’s coming to look at the house. He had already hooked up with Real Estate Agents. They had already been to our house… while I was at work.

People ask me why I signed the papers given to me by him and the real estate agents. Trust me… there are realities to the truth that you would not be able to wrap your head around. I am learning about a person I married and never knew existed.

The only action he performed in March was putting in his retirement notice… never telling me until the last week of March. All our insurance fell out at the end of April.

I’m working an average of 16-hours-per-week at Home Depot, making $11.00 per hour. Jennifer’s off on one of her little unbalanced moments in life. And frankly… I can’t handle her drama right now. I have no other family here.

I have no friends. That’s another thing he managed to accomplish. Isolating me from all his coworkers and acquaintances. But… I can say this. After working for that Airline for 27 years… his last day was like every other day there. Not even a cake. No thank-you… nothing.

I’m not able to go to my doctor for checkups. I’m paying for my therapy appointment. I have to pay for my meds… all this compliments of everything I’ve endured with him. I was able to stop taking my blood pressure meds 2 days after asking for the divorce. But my blood pressure has been back up and I can’t afford to go to the doctor to get checked out.

I’ve had to pay for gas in the car. I’m probably gonna have pay for insurance… and God knows what else now.

All the photos I’ve posted on my Facebook page and Instagram… of all the things I’ve done in my life here, while married to this man. Handling cattle by myself. Raising vegetables and chickens for eggs and food to can, freeze and dehydrate. All the errands… grocery shopping, trips to Costco… covering up to 5 counties in East Tennessee to find vaccines… even feed at times.

Having to get a neighbor to help me cart a newborn calf into the barn during a nasty storm loaded with lightning. Coaxing the bull back into his paddock after he broke through the fence. Mowing acreage because it grew too fast before his next day off.

Laundry… cleaning… cooking… too busy for making new friends. While he was pulling pranks on coworkers inside a hangar. If I called for help… “I’m at work. I can’t leave.”

And dealing with it all… around shift changes during the year… which forced me to work around it… or… wait around it… and led to me being the one getting the least amount of sleep. Finally… I put a stop to me getting up at 2:30am to fix his damn lunches. I decided it was time for him to be a big boy and fix his own damn lunches… so I could get some sleep.

I came home from work this past Friday evening. Found a Penske Moving Box Truck in the yard. He left out of here on Saturday. Said he’d be back for the rest of his things and the cows in a week.

Every time I’ve asked him for money to help me move… his answer has been, “My attorney says, No.”

We close on August 2, 2019. I sit here packing and going to work… knowing I have to bring a minimum of $500.00 with me to the Mediation… which was scheduled on August 13th (soooo conveniently) by HIS attorney…. AFTER the closing on the house.) Yesterday I was informed the date for Mediation has now been moved up to mid-September.

I need Angels. Are there any out there?

Looking Deep for Love Inside

I made a run up to the Little Pigeon River and made the loop around Cades Cove a few days ago. I needed to blow out some cobwebs and clear my heart and mind. Spring flowers… the flow of the water… just wandering through the trees helps.

Brings that childlike innocence of adventuring in nature back to my center. Best kind of vitamin for me.

Winter has been strange this year. Spring is looking very strange around the park. Like the feel of February.

Everything is taking it’s sweet time waking up. I was there on Friday. And I said then… that it felt like all the trees were saying we’re not quite ready, yet. Normally… we should be seeing all the greenery popping under the canopies… flower buds preparing to burst open.

Sunday morning… sure enough. Coming back from town I could see all the snow on the mountains.

But even the mountains seem to possess that same little secret I’ve used for a survival tool all my life. “Even in the worst of situations… it simply takes searching a little deeper to find the good… the positive.”

The closer I got to the ground… the more hope I began finding!

Sometimes… you just have to keep searching… to find everything that lives inside you. Like a game of Hide ‘n Seek… once it sees you… the love finally lets go and brings that smile to your face and joy in your heart!

It Feels Like…

… that eighth month of pregnancy.

Patience. Waiting on Devine Timing. I think I understand the struggles of a recovering addict.

Got the job I wanted!

I start next month.

Found the house I wanted! Perfect for me! Right in town! Finally… city utilities!! Buh-bye septic! Close to my new job! Been on the market for almost a year!

Somebody puts a contract on it… the very first day I go in for training.

Three-day out-of-body experience.

Pulling feathers out of my butt. Full Monte cussing and yelling rant while pacing all around the house. The chinking doesn’t really do much for the logs. But the glass in those windows must be pretty thick.

Phase 2. Quiet and angry. At least I’m being quiet.

Phase 3. Sad.

Phase 4. Finally. The crying begins. The dam breaks. And I just let it go… feeling the disappointment pouring out. Get it out of my system so I can get back up again.

With all that’s gone on for so long… it was long overdue and I just could not remain peaceful to pacify the planet.

But I got back up.

Just as I kept going back for interviews until I got that job… I’ll keep window shopping for houses until God finally bends!!!

In the meantime… I’m repotting everything I can get my hands on. And I bring something else home to repot… every time I hit a store. 🙅

Nothing wrong with bringing something home to shower with love and kindness!😉

I’m Worthy of Acceptance of What Causes Me Pain

I guess I’m experiencing another tower moment this day. I don’t know. My morning was gifted with a heavy… heavy fog. Here we go… again.

Stepping back. Game Day for the tears. Unleash. Save the dam. Let ’em go. Just let them do whatever they’re gonna do. Get them out of my system… while I go within for some… incredibly needed… self-love and healing.

The walls are back up. That drawbridge is back up. Nobody other than Spirit… my Guides… and my Angels enter until I am healed enough to step outside my castle.

My plans are changing… apparently. And I’m okay with that. I love me. And when it comes down to the nut cutting… I am enough. And I will be perfectly okay. A little more hardness on the shell. But I’ll be just fine.

Meaning… I won’t be accepting personal phone calls… texts. Nor emails.

I’m seeing something in myself that this world will just have to accept right along with me. I don’t do ignored communications. For any reason.

I’m too tech savvy to know there’s always a way to reach someone in this century of technology. And I’ve learned way too much about crickets… and men.

Never the way to behave with me when someone asks me to do something in part of the plan.. and I do so as discussed… respond with an update… and only get crickets… for days.

This does not work. It never will. And at this point… that team plan becomes a single-sided… whatever… without me.

I’m just too kind to do this to anyone else. And that means… nobody has any right to be this unkind toward me.

Ready To… Go

“For one day soon you will step into your own stunning universe—beyond the myths, outside any limitations or predictions, far from the illusions this life invents—as you answer the call to uncover the many starlit truths contained inside your incomparable soul. You will be reborn to fresh and glorious revelations only you can carry to completion. And while all the infinite possibilities expand within, may you sing aloud, rejoicing in your new birth, no longer owned by anyone’s idea of who you should be.”

~ from Open Passages – Doors and Windows to The Soul by Susan Frybort

I don’t know about any of you… but… I am so ready for 2019. I feel as if I’ve awakened to discover 2018 has been a year that I spent carrying baggage… adding more along the way.

Like being on vacation with an overnight bag in the beginning… buying a new suitcase for packing new treasures at every place you travel to visit and explore.

But when you arrive home… you begin opening suitcases… and finding rocks. And you think back… over all that time… carrying all these suitcases. The hopes… the excitement over thoughts of how much enjoyment to come in the future… packed inside.

The heartbreak… disappointment. You concede to all the reality before your eyes.

When the miracle becomes… dumping all the rocks in a quarry… selling all those suitcases… just to spare yourself from having to look at them one more day… and closing the doors to your mind and heart to anymore thoughts of another vacation.

Shedding all the baggage that’s been nothing more than deception… lies… and absence… in return for everything you’ve been carrying.

I can only hope 2019 will be kinder… at least kind enough to help me find a way to find the lesson… so I can feel grateful… and thankful.

Because I am kind.

That Fork in The Road

Sometimes… one can go years in a marriage before realizing… there’s a fork in this road. One realizes they’re wanting to go in a different direction. And suddenly… the entire picture of life begins to look so much more brighter… simpler… happier.

Such became the case in my journey to reclaim Teresa. I reached a point where the stress in the struggle had affected me physically… to the point of taking anti-depressants… anxiety meds… and then came blood pressure meds.

Time was closing in on me. A decision to move to Missouri was racing on the calendar. And I wanted to wrap an anchor onto a pier… more and more… every day I awoke. But when the blood pressure meds came into the picture… I knew I had to sort out and find my strength to decide which direction I was going.

By then… I had so many reasons why I did not want to move to Missouri. This marriage was sucking life out of me. Moving to Missouri would isolate me even more… bringing me to my death much sooner. And I’d decided I wanted to come back alive… and live.

People grow… and change. We all do. And it’s not fair for one person to have the comforts of growing in their own journey… while expecting the other to conform… at the expense of leaving their true self way back… years behind. Time lost. Soul damaged. One thread left for hanging on.

Especially when an angel has come onto the scene… and reminded you of who… you really are. I mean… if that doesn’t bring you a wake-up call… God take you on home.

It just felt like pure common sense to make my case and ask for a divorce. I was finished with life being all about convenience for someone else… at the expense of my health… well-being and happiness.

I was scheduled to see my doctor 3 days later… for a regular follow-up. We never got through the usual routine. Being granted a divorce had my blood pressure drop… too low! My doctor took me off the blood pressure med. We expect I’ll be able to stop taking my other two meds once the divorce matters are all in the past.

Amicable. Fair. That will be this divorce. He’s just happy that I’m not wanting to clean his clock out. I’m shocked that he wants to continue raising cattle. He says they’re his kids. Nobody can take these kids away from him. Believe me. I get that. If that’s what makes him happy… I’m happy for him.

But I deserve to be happy… just as much. And I have so many reasons to feel excited about getting that chance!

Breaking away… True Self… Amicable… Fair… Truths… Self-Love… Self-Respect… Happiness… Joy… New Love… etc..

These… and many more… are all good things that each of us deserve to embed in our lives while we’re here. There is no law that says we must give up these things… for anyone else. Nor should we ever think we are entitled to snuff out those same candles in any other good soul.

Take time to examine how much of these good things you have in your life. If you find any missing… make time. Make the effort. Feed your soul with the goodness it deserves.

Remember…. you are Love. Be kind to yourself. And be kind to others.

New Beginnings Bring Beginnings

So much in life today struggles to encourage us all to seek good. In the maze… comes so many inspirational quotes and messages. And for me… anyway… I found myself becoming numb. They’d pass me by with nothing more than a simple… ‘okay‘… in response.

We take these beautiful words of soul saving graces… for granted. But if we pay attention to the next one that comes along our way… we receive an incredible blessing that has fallen into our lap… literally!

If we just… stop whatever we’re doing… and give 15 minutes of our swamped day… 15 measly minutes, peeps… to really soak in the intentions behind that little phrase of many that we’re always hearing… at some time or another.

There is… always… some intentional reason… for these little gems popping into our sight… or… even our mind. Whichever way they come to grab our attention. They’re a gift meant for us to receive. A nugget of gold… meant for helping us delve more into ourselves… to learn who… we… are.

And sometimes… they can even guide us to the right path… when we find ourselves at a crossroads.

It was just one of these little phrases that offered confirmation… turning me onto this path of my own personal journey to reclaim myself. That particular phrase is irrelevant in my sharing. It was meant for me. We each have our own… unique… whispers of encouragement that come to us. Intended for our own one-of-a-kind journey that our Spiritual Source (Spirit; God; I Am; Allah…etc.,) works diligently to guide us… for our own highest good… and the highest good of all.

Think about this. Each of us… is one living soul… gifted with our very own presence… in this entire… amazing… infinite universe!

What gift of encouragement floats into your own path today? Feel free to come back and share!

In the meantime… remember to be good to yourself!