Personal Journey – My Morning's Heart

Iron Butterfly

This stay home thing… while this world fights with Covid-19… has given me a lot of time for examining my current personal space in this lifetime.

It’s had a great impact on turning my perspective toward an entirely different direction.

But I can feel this Full Moon in Libra. Literally. I can feel it. Inside me. All this mental processing moving and swirling… recreating me. It’s like… sitting there watching a salon stylist transform a homeless guy that hasn’t shaved or had a haircut in over 5 years.

I like what I’m feeling. I’m just not so sure a lot of other people that have come in and out of my life will like it.

The Doormat has left the building! The contractor has come in and tiled the front entry of my life. And you better take your friggin’ shoes off before you step inside!

People go through experiences that can leave them forever changed. People that have come in and out of my life may begin to notice this in me.

I’ve taken time to look at all my experiences in various interactions with specific people in my life. Different scenarios. Different reasons. Good and bad.

My transformation in my journey has consumed so many issues in my life. A certain fact stands before me at this time.

For so many years… I was there for others. Because that’s who I was. That’s who I would love to be.

But my kindness and generosity were seen as a weakness.

And my love was run over by trains.

So much that I became tapped out. There was nothing left inside me to give. To anyone… or… anything. Mentally. Emotionally. Not even physically.

Not even to a marriage that had been nothing but a give… give… give experience for me… for over a decade… until I woke up one morning in my bed having this strong feeling of fear inside me.

I had a serious moment where I wasn’t so sure I had physical strength to get out of that damn bed. And that was when I knew… I needed to make a serious change in my life.

The world says… “You must own half the blame. You allowed it.”

I say… “Roll over and die. Because there is no wrong in being kind and generous.” The wrong sits in the lap of the one that chooses to abuse it.

I’ve only relocated from Athens to the Knoxville area over the past couple of months. I’ve loved living in East Tennessee… ever since I first moved here in 2001. Barely finished unpacking everything but the garage… when we’ve all encountered this nightmare with Covid-19.

But I look forward to finding new friends with common interests… once we all gain freedom to venture out without risk again.

I can easily claim at this moment… Until you take time to sit at a table with me while having coffee and just chatting in the future… you do not know me from Adam.

I don’t care who you are. You don’t know me anymore. And I don’t know you.

Again… people go through experiences in their lives that forever change them.

To all those I’ve been there for before… Thank You for all the lessons.

Peaceful Brainstorming

More time spent at home. More time to contemplate.

More time to daydream. More time to prepare for setting intentions!

Because the New Moon in Aries appears… on Tuesday… March 23rd.. at 5:28am eastern time (U.S.).

Thinking about… how I want to live… once this COVID-19 has reached an end.

Releasing us all to test ourselves.

Discover how much we have learned about ourselves.

What we require for staying alive.

What we don’t really need in our lives.

Materialism… having it all.

Is that truly where we find happiness?

I think it’s joy that we should find within ourselves.

I think happiness should be found with whomever we choose to share our joy.

Why confuse the two?

Why water one down?

Each deserves respect for its own value.

Just as every man… and every woman.

To acknowledge… and learn to appreciate… is a gift you give yourself.

Balance. In all things.

This brings the world… and ourselves… to our center.

What’s good for me… may not be good for someone else.

How much I wish in my life… may not be enough for someone else.

I can only speak for myself.

I am only 1 puzzle piece.

It’s like… finding that next puzzle piece that fits… once you have all the edges put together.

I wonder what puzzle piece fits beside me.

All this plays into everything I’ve been thinking about… for my life.

Simplifying. Downgrading the numbers in some areas.

Allows room for more attention to other areas.

Different priorities. Refreshment.

Peace.

Which wheels right back around to… the joy inside myself!

There is a particular family I have been keeping up with on YouTube.

I’m simply amazed by the happiness they have created… on one acre of land.

The first thing I love about all they’ve created is the obvious time they took to plan… everything… so thoroughly.

On a personal level… what really tickles me is how they’ve managed to choose a location that allows them to grow just about anything!

Everything you can grow in California… without having to live there! HA!

If you know me… such a place must be Heaven.

I could… actually… consider relocating.

I love living in East Tennessee.

The countryside is just absolutely beautiful.

But I have learned so many lessons in my life… about life.

Even beautiful land cannot be allowed to own me.

I cannot be bought.

I cannot be owned.

I can only be gifted.

And I come with boundaries of my own.

I hold the keys to my gates.

I get to choose… who gets in… and what gets in… to become part of my life.

For now… I pray.

While I daydream. I only have hours to get those intentions lined up!

Get ready for that New Moon!

Wherever you may be… Know that you are not alone.

And when you get a chance… click here to go listen to this Beautiful… Beautiful song called… ‘We Are’.

Tom Trapp. The Conductor.

That handsome man reminds me so much of my Daddy!

Know that we all have Angels we can call upon to guide us and protect us.

Especially during these difficult moments.

Know that you are loved.

As above… so below.

And so it is.

Taking My Sword To The Fog

A situation has risen its ugly head in my life once again. And right now… I am existing in this very unfamiliar… fog.

That’s how I have been best able to describe what I see inside me. See how I feel inside.

I’m not one to sit and let it fester. I know I have the strength to find the core of the issue… before I heal it.

But this… has traveled through a massive amount of scar tissue from hurt and pain experienced throughout my entire life… all the way down to clean flesh.

After all the hard work I have survived and accomplished. After all the exploration to find the cores to all the hurts. After all the nursing to heal all that infected pain.

After all the time taken to use the right tools to correct and heal my heart… mind… and soul.

Just when I was… finally… becoming able to accept a reality of hidden truths about someone I never really knew at all.

Here comes… yet… another attempt to show me who they really are.

As if I haven’t seen more than enough… already.

But remember… I said this blow has me in an unfamiliar fog.

I’m still standing.

I’ve always known how to prepare for tornadoes… since my childhood. Now I really know why.

Because THIS TIME… just like knowing when to send the family to the bathtub to get under the bed mattress… or… head down to the basement of the house…

I sent everything I have learned… and all the truth and wisdom about myself I have gained… to a safe room in my mind… for protection.

Therefore… all is well in my life… while the rest of me walks toward the fight… to battle the core of this unexpected issue.

I will overcome. I am protected. I have God on my side. I have all the Angels right beside me.

And I have a whole family of Casteels… Bullards… and only God knows who else over there now on the other side… that will make damn sure… I will be perfectly okay.

My Daddy had a lot of friends. And they always watched over me when they were among us.

They’ve done it before. They’ll do it again.

But this time… they just may override my sense of fairness. And there is nothing I can do about that from over here.

I am the wrong person to bestow selfish… undeserved cruelty upon.

I am everything good… through my mind… my heart… and my soul.

I can be your best friend. Or, your worst enemy. You get to choose.

And when you choose either… I get to choose how to respond.

But there are times… when I never need to bother myself with responding.

And THAT’S when the one dishing any ill will toward me… should worry most.

Evil never learns the reality and true purpose in the journey of life.

That’s why evil never wins.

I will be standing… in my truth and wisdom… as my true authentic self… at the end of this battle.

A Happy Home Takes Small Steps

Moving into this house had me so excited! And here I go again… losing track of time and placing high expectations on myself.

Something inside tells me the entire house should already be arranged… everything in its place.

Something else struggles with not knowing where to put so many things.

And then the brain grabs both by the neck and says… “Shut up. You only moved in here 10 days ago!”

I’ve had friends tell me they’ve moved into places and still had boxes left to be unpacked six months to a year after moving in.

That would drive me nuts! Imagine… looking for that favorite ink pen.

I can’t believe I’m actually beginning to feel so intimidated by all this space under the roof where I now reside.

What’s even scary is the fact that it has me thinking back to our house on Kingston Drive in Texas City when I was a small girl… a LOT.

And that house was smaller. Maybe it’s because I was so small back then.

Maybe it’s the double car garage. Maybe it’s the huge backyard.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m now living in a neighborhood with homes right next to each other.

It’s funny how all those feelings of security go away when you depart from such surroundings for so many years.

I step out into the garage and my first thought is… “Where am I going to put all this stuff?”

But… there are shelves and cabinets… EVERYWHERE.

Maybe it’s because I have kept everything in totes for so many years?

Okay. So… “Where am I going to put all those totes?”

Right. I know. Shaking my own damn head.

I keep forgetting… I need to get 3 of those little step stools. You know… the kind for little kids.

One for the kitchen.

The other two for the two toilets. I can’t reach the floor!!!

But there IS a blessing to both of them… which I did manifest by the way.

You can stick your head in both toilets… scream as loud as you want without pissing off the neighbors!

No I haven’t tried it! YOU try it!

I just know. They’re so quiet!

The wish was actually manifested for the home I’m buying in the future.

But what the heck. I’d be out of my mind… to complain about the gift of quiet toilets coming into my life twice!

One thing I am enjoying immensely! That thermostat is turned down to 68* Fahrenheit… and I feel so cozy!!

Well… I’ll get there. But I refuse to buy any furniture until I get all the other stuff situated!

Okay. So this will be the last photo of the Dining Room… for a while.

I keep taking photos every few days. It helps me see the progress.

No. I don’t feel it.

Well… I feel all the bruises from my neck down… caused by all the cardboard boxes.

I feel all the stiffness and soreness… beginning to go away.

But I won’t… feel… all the progress… until everything’s in its place.

Just me being… me.

I know. I know. Shaking my own damn head.

Stepping Stones Toward Reaching Goals

My daily blogging is looking like Swiss cheese again. I know. Believe me. My mind… heart… and muscles are all too aware. Been a lot going on.

Back in August, 2019 I ended up having to rent a house in a town that was almost 63 miles south of where I needed to be located. I had to rent the house sight unseen.

Long story. Sometimes… you have to be willing to struggle in your life… to get around major breathing obstacles having bad intentions.

I chose to accept this house as being a blessing. And gratitude thrives from my heart… as always. Looking back… I can almost see the clothing all the Angels wore while they were covering my back door.

I had an option to purchase this house. Once I had made my final decision about what I wanted to do with my passion… I knew it was not going to fit in with my goals.

The location was… definitely… an obstruction in the big picture. Only 788 square feet of house.

But my gratitude to the Landlord and those that helped me in the process… put faith and trust in me… will forever exist.

This was a stepping stone for me. And now… time has come for moving forward to my next step.

I’m relocating to the area where I need to reside. This holds so much more common sense for me. I won’t be opening the cap for my gas tank on my car so much… to say the least.

There is a fenced yard for Carlie! There is a double car garage, which will help me with storage. Separate storage shed in the backyard for the yard tools. Separate laundry room… just off the kitchen.

Living room and family room. Fireplace. Covered back patio… just outside the French doors. Open kitchen! I love open kitchens… lots of cabinets… and a load of light coming from the window.

Finally… a kitchen window that’s not so high it keeps me from watching things outside while I’m washing dishes or cooking! I can watch my Bird Feeders again!

And now I have plenty of room for my goal. Since my divorce began and I relocated… I have been investing in equipment… software… books and supplies for my passion.

I have studied. I have practiced. Now I am ready to go to work.

I prayed for this. I’ve worked hard for it. I deserve this stepping stone.

My presence and personal communication has been vague with friends and family in Facebook. Saved my ranting for Twitter. Okay… most of it.

I don’t know. I’ve probably appeared as if I’ve been sitting on a couch and soaking up the portion of my divorce settlement investing in and devouring Bon Bons.

Or… going out to the Bars and Nightclubs… hooking up with men. Getting that good dose of Rebound Flings. Taking off on cruises. Weekly total Spa treatments. Or… whatever the hell women do after divorce these days.

No.

And other men? In my life? Seriously? I am just now getting over that feeling of wanting to murder the next one that even looks at me with a friggin’ grin. But that trigger can raise from the dead by any man choosing to become stupid.

Just being honest. I’m not all the way healed. I’m a work in progress.

When it comes to men… I only think about one. Still. Always. My Knight. YOU. The only man I have room for in my life.

But he’s not here. I guess he has his reasons. So I focus on me… my goals. I do what I CAN do… to keep standing. To keep moving forward. And praying.

Part of my life goal is to buy my own home. Well… this country holds a leash and shock collar on the demands for being able to buy a home. You must have a good credit score. You must have a sizable down-payment. You must have a good record of employment outside the home… for at least 6 months.

The word of a human being no longer has any meaning in this country any longer.

I worked more than one job at home… including raising cattle… worked harder than I ever did when I was employed in the airline industry.

I busted my ass as much as my Dad did… as a Journeyman Pipefitter Welder.

Actually… I worked harder. I was 24-7 on-call status. I never got a day off. In almost 18 years of marriage… only one weekend vacation to Jackson, Tennessee to go Crappie fishing. And one weekend trip to Savannah, Georgia. It was a Mother’s Day – Pick up a tractor weekend.

But the only thing that matters to America is… I didn’t leave the house and bring home a paycheck.

The Credit Union told me I needed to hold a part-time job for at least 6 months… before they would give me a mortgage loan for $90,000.00.

Right. So… you’re telling me… I can go work 12 hours each week… for 6 months… at $11.00 per hour… and you will give me that loan?

Can you hear me laughing at the insanity? Believe me… it’s sandwiching anger. For so many good and loving human beings in this country.

This is what they do in this country. The truth is as pure as sewage. And the arguments are as lame… shallow… and LAZY as it gets.

And then we wonder why so many elderly people are having to sacrifice and choose their battles between eating… paying ridiculous monthly health insurance premiums… car insurance… gas for the car… and paying the insane costs for their pharmaceutical meds.

Other options to buying a home. If you are self-employed… you must have 2 years of tax records to prove stability to secure maintaining a mortgage.

Next come the Snakes… who tell you they can get you into a home without any down-payment… no job status required… blah blah blah.

The trap… You pay 40-60 percent of the price for the property… up front. And the interest rate is just… stupid.

They justify the monthly mortgage figure with the fact that it’s still less than monthly rent for a 3-bedroom apartment. “Let’s not squabble about it only being 35 cents, okay?”

Yeah, right. Piss in one hand and wish in the other, Moron. See which one warms your heart faster.

Moving along…

So… over the past 6 months I have been steadily working on my credit score. The 700+ credit score I half earned relocated out of state. My part dropped to 520. His stayed the same. He took it with him. Ahhh… but there’s a reason why his credit score sat up in the balcony seats.

I handled all the finances up until the last year and a half before the divorce.

Starting over did not come without a steep price… of course. Just to get the utilities turned on required pennies short of $1,000.00.

But little by little… and doing nothing more than paying my bills on time… I have raised my credit score up into the healthy ‘Fair’ bracket.

So… I’m moving into a much nicer home! But remember… I have no… ‘job’.

How do you relocate almost 62 miles away… working any part-time job… where they’re only giving you 12 hours each week?

Why bother?

Every penny goes inside the gas tank. And it simply amazes me to see how the financial realm in this country is so lame at doing common sense math. There’s only one explanation.

Nobody cares in this country.

I decided early on… this house was not going to work. It wasn’t working for my plans. And it wasn’t working in my life.

So I had to get really creative… again. And sacrifice… again.

Now at this point… moving into this next house is supposed to be another stepping stone. From here… I go get that lame 12-hour per week job and work on my passion at the house.

My next step is… buying my own home.

It’s NOT going to matter to anyone at the bank… how much money I will have in my bank account. My passion goal can start rolling in enough cash that sets me up really great!

Most people quit their ‘jobs’ when this happens. But me? Oh, no. I cannot quit my ‘job’… unless I want to wait 2-3 years… to prove stability with my passion goal.

Because the bank won’t care. They just want to see the check stubs proving the length of time I have been employed outside the home. Never mind my perfect consistency with paying all my bills… including a signature loan I have carried… with THEM… over the past 6 months.

And the real pisser… the Rent is double the cost of a monthly mortgage payment. This is a serious problem in this country. The mentality in general… running amuck within our existing corporate world is just… totally inhumane and unconscionable.

And they do it because they can. They do it because we don’t do our background research on local politicians… and make damn sure the crooked ones never make it to Washington, D.C..

Even in the game Clash of Kings… Kingdoms have the rule about not attacking main castles.

It allows players to grow in the game. They have a fair chance to become a valuable asset to the kingdom.

The difference between the two?

Human beings from NATIONS ALL AROUND THIS WORLD play in Clash of Kings.

*** Note: This is NOT an endorsement for Lowe’s, nor do I receive any funds for using the moving carton in my photo.

And I Made My Decision

The alarms on the clocks sound from my Kindle and my phone. A new day arrives after making a decision before bedtime last night.

I chose walking away.

I know me. I know my heart. I know my conscience. I know the kind of love I am capable of giving. But I also know the kind of love I deserve.

And beginning today… I will love me.

I rise for my usual morning routine. My bed is made. I dress. Carlie gets her tone collar put on before being let out for her morning constitutions. Her breakfast is prepared… soaking in hot water to make its ‘gravy’ that she loves.

The usual brushing of my hair and teeth. Then… I grind fresh coffee bean and set the pot brewing. That soft ‘bark’ at the front door. Carlie comes back in and heads for her breakfast after removal of her collar.

There is something about the smell of a fresh cup of hot coffee before the sun even begins to rise. It’s like… “Good morning!” And just taking a few moments to absorb how it makes me feel… makes me ready for my next couple of hours.

I’m into my daily guidance on YouTube… listening to Tilly’s daily reading for today… when I have to pause. Carlie’s finished breakfast. She won’t let the world continue until she gets her cookies.

Tilly’s reading is finished. I move on to Gemma’s reading for the day… followed by Uriel’s reading for the weekend.

It’s amazing how all three women cover all aspects of life in their own way. Light Readers are gifted with their own unique guidance.

I’m so comfortable… thankful… and grateful for how I’ve come to rely on these three women for offering me a peek into what I can expect for the day… what guidance I need from The Divine, the Angels and The Universe.

Fanny is my Go-To for my monthly guidance as an individual. Still… I gain those daily steps from the other three earth angels!

But it was my own readings I did last night… through Colleen Baron-Reid’s Wisdom of The Oracle and Lucy Cavendish’s Dragonfae Apps (apparently, no longer available in Google’s Play Store?)… that led me to my final decision.

The rest of the day will include more study for a couple hours into the subject of my main goal in life… as well as the current tasks I’m in the middle of handling. Daily household duties requiring my attention around the house will be completed. And my evening will be free for planning my weekend.

I always pay attention to how my entire body feels after making decisions like this. There is a sense of peace that covers me. Reminds me of a baby’s face… just after entering this world and resting on Mom’s chest… eyes open and looking up at her… so quietly and relaxed.

All the locks at the Dam of Tears seem to have been shut down and not a drop releasing.

And for the first time… I feel what I had manifested long ago… when I experienced the first round of pain that took me too close to a cliff’s edge that nobody really wants to ever see.

I wanted to think of Alan… and feel nothing.

I needed to feel nothing. I know me. I have fought a part of me for a very long time now.

There is no man or woman on this planet worth ending your life over… just to feel nothing.

Yes. It’s a war inside one’s self. This was the worst war I’ve fought.

Many battles with hope… faith… that loyalty I tried hanging onto for dear life… for only all the right things that have been allowed to exist inside my heart.

My Castle Doors slammed shut. Several times. That Drawbridge lifted and locked tight. That Moat filled to the brim and loaded with a fresh herd of every kind of sea animal that would eat a man or woman without leaving a bit of evidence.

And still… I remained willing to meet halfway… to reopen negotiation… with him.

It’s exhausting. But this morning I can wake up and say… “I truly gave it my best.” At least I know I tried.

But this is not my loss. He gets to own the loss.

And he will never know all that he lost. Little does he realize… I never showed him all of me. I’m not that naïve.

They never see the best of me… until they’ve given me the best of them.

I win. In the end… I get to have Teresa.

Difficult. Emotions running so deeply. Confusion. I’m not happy with how things are between us.

I try so hard to be patient. Understanding he is going through his own stuff. I have no problem with that. My problem is the fact that he will not communicate with me.

He cannot see that I can be a friend… as well as a partner. To help each other heal. To help each other see other perspectives. To help each other recognize the obstacles in our paths… so each of us can work through our own issues.

Just having that support can make all the difference in the world.

His dead air pushes my patience. Leaves me questioning whether I should hold on to hope and faith. Remain loyal to him. Or… should I walk away?

Does he care how devastating it would be for me to walk away?

I could do it. I know I would survive this. But I know I would never be the same.

I know there would be much of me that would die inside. This frightens me. This late in my life… after all the lost love I have endured throughout the years. I know me. I would not ever care to ever love again.

There comes a time when a beautiful heart becomes too tired.

He cannot see… or, he does not care… how it hurts to feel he does not feel safe or secure enough to come to me as a friend to help him deal with his pain.

To give him different perspectives. To give him support and encouragement for facing those issues we all face about ourselves that can be so difficult to look at and work on.

To do so in a gentle and compassionate way.

I feel we are… both… strong enough to accomplish this.

There is something so strong inside me that tells me this is why we came to know each other… from the very beginning. To help each other heal. To be in each other’s corner. To be that honesty with gentleness and compassion that only encourages us to overcome our pain.

To journey through it all with each other and become two incredible human beings on the other side.

It’s not a deep dive into some shallow love relationship I’m looking for. Hot and heavy on the scale of similarity to hooking up in some nightclub. Walking out the door at closing time… thoughtlessly heading into a tornado that only dies off in a short period of time.

Not that they all turn out that way. But too many do. And I want nothing like that.

My prayer is for a reality in the lives of two people who need to heal and want to become the very best that the Divine intended for each of them.

To be courageous enough to allow each other inside for offering raw objectivity. Helping one another see issues and obstacles we’re not able to see in ourselves.

Being that needed support that gives each other that safe feeling and courage to overcome issues causing us pain and/or confusion.

Being able to look at one another as we scratch off one more issue from that list… and feel we are looking at the one person that makes us want to knock out that entire list… so easily. Taking a moment to soak in all those wonderful feelings it gives us to realize this.

He cannot see I do have a life. He cannot see I am very busy myself… with daily tasks and working on my own goals. Making my own personal dreams become real. Working on me as much as I can.

But he also cannot see the mountains I could climb with a smile… the doubled joy in my heart… that incredible load of energy and enthusiasm… simply by having communication with him on a regular basis.

And he cannot see the same difference it could bring for him. If only he would let me.

All I can do on my own is put this in the hands of The Divine and The Universe. And continue to pray for him. Beyond that… there is only one truth I know for sure about us.

So much to walk away from. Too much.

Forever a Milestone for Me – 2019

Deep lessons I learned this year, which came with great sacrifice and loss. But compensation was taking back my power and finding Teresa.

I can only pray for others that no longer understand me and/or want to be around me… and hope life and the universe bring them around to choosing to heal themselves.

I love them all. But the cycles needed to stop somewhere. Cleansing needed to begin somewhere.

One man wasn’t my only problem. I brought my own issues to the table. And there were others involved.

Adult children in this country need to wake up and look at themselves. I’m not alone when I say this. I’m hearing parents of grown children everywhere saying the very same thing.

It blows my mind. It breaks my heart. For all of us.

None of us is perfect. We never reach any particular age and know it all. Learning never ends for any of us… including parents.

The fork in the road led me to two choices of paths. I took the better road. They don’t know. I was one hair away from checking out. Nobody would ever get to have me ever again… if I couldn’t have myself.

So there. I chose hope.

I learned we all asked for this experience of Life on this planet. We had to get here some way. God made a way. All He expects is for us to be guided until we become adults.

I learned nobody is perfect. Many fail at being guides. There is no manual.

But we all get a second chance. It’s called becoming an adult.

That’s when we have the freedom to choose seeking healing to exude that unique soul inside each one of us… that we bring to this life… and take with us when we leave.

Until every one of us finds that healing… we will never have that reunion. And ‘We’ is every soul on this planet… especially families.

I learned about real love.

I found real love in me.

I learned TRUTH.

I learned how to become free from being mentally conditioned… manipulated… controlled.

I witnessed hope in a 16 year old young lady that set this world on its toes… as she traveled all around the world… lighting fires in hearts that DO CARE… EXPECT TRUTH… DESERVE TRUTH… EXPECT CHANGE… DESERVE CHANGE… for the HIGHEST GOOD OF ALL.

Greta gave me courage. Strength. Hope.

And speaking of…

Strength. Self-Worth. Value. Fair Boundaries. Peace. Tranquility. Balance. Happiness.

Goals I have reached!

I pray this hits home for so many others. If you’re hurting… Seek an Empath. Seek a Spiritual Healer. Seek a Reiki Healer. Google the words. You’ll never regret it.

Learn the TRUTH about Tarot. It saved my life.

Happy New Year, everyone!

2020 is gonna be so awesome!

*** “Serendipity” – Card #18 from Wisdom of The Oracle Deck by Colette Baron-Reid. (Click here) to read the meaning of the card.

My Lines are Never Blurred

Unlike that photo above, for sure! WordPress really needs to work on their transfer of media into their libraries. It goes south.

My lines for my boundaries may extend a little further than some people. Never the less… I do… have strict and specific lines drawn for my boundaries.

Those lines do protect a strong portion of details within a relationship whenever I am involved with a man.

I think I can safely say… any details I have shared out in the open in this blog are… simply… what can be expected… after a man has given plenty of effort into leaving me feeling betrayed… after leaving me behind on what was nothing more than a one-lane road.

Any kind of a relationship comes with its own value. That value is determined by efforts made by two people… both people.

Never would I claim to be perfect. God knows… I am the first to acknowledge that fact. And that’s why I’m so involved in healing myself.

I’m constantly looking forward and heading in the direction for becoming the best human being possible… from the inside out.

Others may feel no need to strive for self-improvement. To that… “God bless ya’!” Must feel so great to be perfect!

I’m working on it. ;)~

Anyone else has free will and choice to be all they wish. Good or Bad. And I have the choice of not allowing any man into my life that chooses being Bad.

I know who I am. I’m a good person. My heart is genuine. My conscience thrives on being legitimate… for only good and best intentions. My Daddy raised me with standards that I have never forgotten… despite his occasional… “Do as I say… not as I do” events in his own life.

Trust me. He’s over on the other side… laughing at me right now! He knows! He knows.

You may manage to find your way inside. I can promise you that will be your greatest challenge in your life… after my hard fight with getting through this divorce.

But that never means you’ll stay. It’s your choice for how you handle your part that determines such.

And when you hurt me… when you betray me… when you choose to do physical damage to me… or… within the perimeters of the relationship that cause it to end. And especially when you choose to behave downright nasty through the exit…

Yeah. You can count on me showing the world who you chose to be in my life.

But as far as any healthy relationship that is thriving between myself and my partner… THAT is when I am more than pleased to confess being selfish with my choice of privacy.

The first reason why I choose to behave in such manner… believe it or not… is out of respect for my partner.

If you can’t figure out when I lose respect for a partner… go back to the first post of this blog and catch up.

Yes. The boundaries are there. And reciprocity keeps all that goodness healthy.

I am a Giver. Granted… this past year has dealt the toughest fight I’ve ever experienced. But this has only overhauled this lady.

Getting into my castle… behind those walls that were only made three times stronger after this divorce… will never be anywhere near as easy as before.

My willingness to give as much in the process of initiating… not so plentiful anymore.

Lately… I find comfort in going back to the good old-fashioned ways of how a Gentleman should take the lead… and how he should honor the gift God gives him… with every breath he takes… if he wishes to receive it all back ten-fold.

The older I become… the more I come to figure out exactly what I do want in my life… what I don’t want in my life… and what I will not allow into my life. Turtles cannot lay the number of eggs to keep up with the growth of my strength… determination… and my will.

All this is definitely connected to my personal choices for all that I hold dearly from within a relationship with a man.

So… my answer is No.

You will never witness this blog exposing everything I may share with a partner. But I can say this. While I may throw their evil deeds out to the universe for cleansing as I go through all this healing… I am diligent about owning my own faults that I can understand would have been a contributor.

If… and when… I miss owning a fault of my own… you can be sure it is only due to the absence of communication needed for making such aware to me.

So… for those of you pulling feathers out of your butts over my last post… you can stop now!

Some Journeys Go Around The Holidays

I’m at a point in my life where my trust in anything and anyone… has been absolutely shattered.

I’m feeling safer by just being alone at this time.

I’m not even capable of responding to messages on the Internet from any guy I don’t even know. Honestly… he’s better off if I don’t respond.

There is no telling what may be loaded in those darts I throw.

I’m really going through a lot of deep diving in this journey right now. The process has its days when sorting can be quite overwhelming. Issues surface from out of left field… totally unexpected.

But you can’t heal until you address the wound.

I have warned people before. I am raw honest. This is my journal about my journey.

Over the course of my life I’ve been forced… manipulated… even conned into holding back… in so many ways… for so many shallow-minded… mean… selfish reasons… by many people.

What have I learned from all that so far? I’m learning how to avoid putting myself in those scenarios.

But for now… this is my turn. And there’s no holding back from purging anything.

So put on your seatbelt.

Because today I’m talking about… sex.

Serious subject for me. I don’t take it for granted. And I have put a halt to me being taken for granted in general. But even more-so… with sex.

I communicate some really deep emotions through sex. For me… it is making love. I’m saying ‘I love you’… in the deepest way possible.

Having your child… was my way of saying how much.

Yeah. Missed the message. Didn’t you!

Well. I tried.

Sex is not part of some daily routine for me… like Pilates… Yoga… Jogging… or some other daily exercise.

Yeah. I don’t do the Quickie before heading to the grocery store… or the races… or a family dinner… or even before going out dancing. I might be looked at… or maybe even touched on my arm like a feather enough to make us forget about going to the grocery store. And the only thing possibly happening after getting dressed and before going out dancing might be a couple shots.

Just sayin’. Gotta catch us, first! lol

But.. no. Sex is not a glimpse in my book.

When you’re having sex with me… you need to understand that I am telling you this is not just some date with me. I am letting you know that my feelings for you go deeper than just dating. I’m letting you know that I want to have an exclusive relationship with you. I’m telling you that I love you. And I’m letting you know that I want to fall in love with you.

And if that’s too deep for you… feel free to go find a more shallow… pond!

Promises don’t count anymore. Too many men have broken promises to me.

Noooo. Actually… the pathetic truth in that statement is… I have not had sex with every man that’s broken a promise to me.

Been a long time since I’ve even been around any man that can be trusted by his word.

My two marriages were quite… dynamic… in their own special way.

My first marriage… I ended up having sex with multiple partners. The man I was married to… and whatever friend he invited into our bed with us each night.

Jim Beam… Johnnie Walker… Jack Daniels… whatever. And that crap got old… really quickly.

Believe me… saying ‘I love you’ was… far from anything I had to say to any of them. Most of the time… it was… “Goodnight.”

Ask him! Oh wait…. he probably will not remember. There were nights we did and he still thinks we didn’t. What else can I say?

My last marriage… I have no idea what to even say.

Okay. Let’s try this. I never got a fair chance to start saying, ‘I love you.’

Yeah. Almost 18 years.

Reconstituted Virgin I am!

Shut up. I AM being nice. You weren’t there.

I had a post come through my feed somewhere (I hop around like a cricket on my breaks) earlier this week… asking a question.

“If you could go back and do one thing in your life… what would it be?”

My first thought was…

“I’d go ahead and follow through with my plans… that night I changed my mind and decided not to go out to Scruples on the night before Thanksgiving, 1991.”

Back then… everybody that was living out of town always came home for the holidays.

The true love of my life was hit and killed while trying to cross the street to get to his pickup after walking out of Scruples that night… actually, around 12:30am Thanksgiving morning.

Everybody had practically crawled over each other… three years prior… to get to me and tell me he was getting married… two weeks after I came back home from California. Of course, I knew the truth about why and all. And she had to live through the truth… which had to be difficult. He had free choice. I loved him that much. And yes. It hurt.

I ended up having to move out of town. I could not go out anywhere with friends… without him being there with her. To be expected. Small town. But when I’d walk inside a place… he’d forget she was even there. He even pinned me in the hallway to the bathrooms one night… while she sat at a table seeing everything. I couldn’t allow that.

Some of my words… “No, Skippy. I will not let you do this to her.”

He made the 4-hour drive to come looking for me one weekend. Found him and one of our friends on the dam. Drunk… bleeding. Tony’s truck torn up. They’d hit some elder lady’s car on the dam. I insisted we keep driving to the house… where I called his brother. Left a message. By then… I’d heard about rumors she was going around town spreading… things I was supposed to be doing around town… while I was living over 200 miles away.

I’ve always known. I’m just that damn good. Ya’ know? Right. (smdh)

I wasn’t about to give her anymore fodder. She’d done well enough on her own. I knew they were going to jail. I knew his brother would come bail them out.

What I didn’t know was… he was coming to find me… and tell me the divorce had been filed. None of his so-called ‘friends’ ever bothered to call and tell me anything then… despite having the toll-free number for my shop.

Remember… this was winter… 1991. Did we even have cellphones then?

I found out later… the divorce was supposed to be final on Thanksgiving Day.

But I woke up Thanksgiving morning, 1991… made coffee. Walked outside to take the dog out to go pee and get the newspaper. Came in. Poured my cup of coffee. Sat down with the newspaper. Opened it to Page 2.

I do not remember much about my life from that morning… Until January 1992. I do remember nothing making sense. I remember feeling as if my presence on this planet no longer made any sense.

Jen and I back in California. Living with my birth parents. I decided to go to school to become a state certified Animal Health Technician. They’re strict in California. You can’t get in with experience, alone.

This was supposed to be the thread that would keep me hanging on. It didn’t turn out that way. But that’s a whole different chapter about my survival.

I lived with guilt… for DECADES. Thinking I could have saved him… if only I had gone ahead and gone out to the club that night.

It was 2007. I was washing dishes. Thinking about Skip. The guilt sent me into tears. This pain never went away. Something I just never could quit thinking about. It happened a lot. But on this particular day… something different happened.

I heard my Daddy. “Baby. It wasn’t your time to go. You understand?”

After all those years… he showed me the reality I had never even considered. He decided it was time for me to know the truth… 16 years later.

I would have gone with Skip. Who would take care of Jennifer?

And then I realized… it was my Daddy that put that sick feeling in my gut that made me change my mind that night. Overwhelming guilt in my head about leaving Jen with Mara to babysit. But he did it to save my life. And he was worried about Jennifer as well.

I don’t know why it took so long. Maybe it was Skippy’s request. With all the wisdom and understanding I have now… that would make perfect sense. And I guess I would deserve it.

Wanting me to hurt as much as he loved me. So I could finally see… he really did love me. He really was faithful to me. He wasn’t screwing around on me… like all the other guys I watched doing to their wives and girlfriends when I drove to Matagorda for the weekend.

I sabotaged that relationship with the love of my life… out of fear. If all the other guys were cheating… why should I believe he was being a perfect angel for me?

The truth is… he was. I just did not have any self-confidence to believe I was worth being loved that much… in the very way I always wished and hoped for. Forget loving myself. I didn’t even know myself. I’d never been allowed to know myself freely. Teresa was already shoved down in her little pinky toe.

But just as I’m writing this post… I’m realizing… my Daddy came to me with the message around the time I… finally confessed to my… new-ex… out loud… the fact that I would not be married to him… if Skip were still on this planet.

The longer I think about that question… I would go even further back in time… for that one thing I would do over again in my life… if I could.

Skip knows exactly what night I’m talking about. To have all the knowledge I have about life and spiritualism today. To get the chance to go back to that night. Everything in my life would take that road God intended.

Skip’s over there with my Daddy now. He knows everything as well… just like my Daddy. And he’s very well aware that I’ve never made it any secret to anyone close to me that knew him.

He was the love of my life. I would have had another dozen kids with that man. And he tried! He fought me with the birth control!

You couldn’t put crazy past Skippy Bullard! That is God’s honest truth! Anybody still living who knew him will verify!

But today… life is what it is. And just knowing the truth is enough for both of us. It has to be. We can’t go back.

Still… here I am. But everything changes as I move forward in this journey. I learn more about who I am… and what I no longer have to put up with. What I no longer have to fear. What I no longer have to settle for. What I have every right to receive for all that I give. And when I’m pushed… I push back.

I deserve love in all the best ways… for all the right reasons.

I deserve my love to be accepted in all its forms as truth and with complete understanding.

Unfortunately… trust… will be the most difficult challenge for any other man to earn from me and build with me… before making it through these castle walls that protect me.

Now you see why I’m prepared to be alone?

At least I’m honest.

*** Interesting reading about the meaning behind the card I drew after finishing this post. (Click Here) to get there.