Tag: Personal Journey

Conversations

My readings are telling me this next few days will be about looking back over my life.  Things coming up to the top.  Revelations.

Mind blowing.  Humiliating realizations.

Everything shows how it’s all connected to the here and now.

Things I’m trying to heal.

Searching for all the answers to, “What the hell is this about?”

I’ve always understood that communication was necessary.  Especially in relationships.

I’ve realized I spent so much of my life under somebody else’s thumb without knowing how to stand up for myself… even communication became an issue.

Wow.  It goes back to being told as a child, “Children are to be seen and not heard.”

I was never allowed to speak unless spoken to.  Well… beyond knowing when it was okay to ask if I could do something.

I was never worth a conversation.  Just answer the questions.

Just the facts.

Oh, my gosh… jump to age 20 years.

Ray Bell.  THIS is why I was always falling asleep when we spent hours having conversations!!

I was in such a good place!  I was so relaxed!  Finally… someone that could relate to things that wandered around inside my head all my life!

We… actually had conversations.  And… you participated.  You injected.  You could lead.  It was equal participation.

And they were deep… intellectual… awesome conversations.

Yeah… we won’t talk about the ones… you had… when you were drunk and loaded.  *snicker*

I’m not lying!  It is what it is!  It happened!

Don’t feel bad.  They were all funny!

And then… jump to 21 years later… when the story of my recent divorce began.

I was married to a man for almost 18 years… together for a year before marriage.

And looking back… we never had one single conversation… unless it was about something happening at that hangar that pissed you off.

Anything else was like… a business meeting.  Discussion of plans… progress… snags… resolution.

Resolution.  HA!  There was only one… always.  That look on your face.  My next thought… “Yeah, here we go again.  He’s gonna pull a Dwayne.”

The rest of it was the fight to get something done half-ass.  Because everything was done so half-ass.  And to accomplish anything meant going through a fight.

Not just the photos of all the projects that were never finished, either.  It was everything.  Everything about that marriage.  If it didn’t require a power tool… it was up to me to get it accomplished.

Or… not even waste my time.

I had to pick my battles.

And I own half of it all… because I put up with the crap.

But all that isn’t what even matters to me.  Not anymore… anyway.

What matters to me is… the overall reality of the fact that we never had one single… deep… intellectual… personal conversation between us.

Your idea of participation was… answering questions… as little as possible.

Just the facts.

Whatever came to fruition… came from Dwayne’s head… to half-ass.

It was his way… or… do it yourself.  And that applied to… everything.

Another phase in my life of… just the facts.

Yeah.

This is not Teresa.  That never was Teresa.

And Teresa will not live through that kind of abandonment anymore.

THIS is me now… standing in my truth.

I love having conversations… between two people… both participating.

Deep… intellectual… serious… fun… imaginary… hilarious… heartfelt… loving… kind… genuine… sincere… conversations.

All the beautiful words that describe beautiful conversations between two people in a relationship.

The idea of a man reaching out to me… to fill me in on his thoughts or ideas.

I like this!

Being interested in what goes on inside my head.  (Oh, boy… that could be a jump off a cliff.)

Being curious enough to seek my opinion about things.

Choosing a topic and venturing toward each other’s insights… to see if we meet in the middle on common ground with a same conclusion.

Refusing to settle for less than compromise comfortable for each other.

About anything.  About everything.

When the conversations become something enjoyed by both of us.

Something that becomes important to both of us… enough that we look forward to having more of them.

Important enough that we come to crave them.

Important enough that it feels like we’re taking turns… stopping the world and stealing time for one of those conversations.

When clocks and oceans aren’t even allowed to get in the way.

Communication is a good thing.

My favorite kind of Conversations are like… a really good home-cooked meal.

And the best of them come from… Reciprocity.

Look the word up in the Dictionary.

You’ll even find kindness and love… there.

One of Those Aha Moments

These days I spend a lot of time driving from county to county.  I’ve found there’s a lot to take care of on the tail end… now that this divorce is final.

The days always feel so different for me.  Strange.

Just when I begin to feel the ground under my feet… a thought… just one single thought can leave me feeling the ground under my butt.

And the wind knocked out of me… until the tears show up.

I am so happy to be divorced… finally.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not that.  I don’t even feel anger towards Dwayne.

I think I began working on moving beyond anger by the time I could say out loud, “I want a divorce.”

By the time we finished with Mediation… I let go of the anger and hatred before I walked out of the attorney’s office.

They say you still have feelings for someone you’ve loved… if you feel anything.

It’s not over until you feel… nothing.

I can’t say I’ve made it there… yet.

I still roll my eyes.

I don’t even want THAT to happen when his name is mentioned.

And don’t get me wrong.  I WILL get there.  Mark my word.

I will get there.

But… that’s only one layer.  All the driving gives me time to think.  It’s like things are purging from deep inside.

And these are things that… I think I finally get it.

I’m feeling waves and waves of… damage… swelling up and hitting me… one after another.  Like a perfect storm.

This has become very disturbing to me.  I keep asking myself, “Where is all of this coming from?”

But one thing I feel so… absolutely… sure about… is this.

I know me… and my heart… well enough to know… this is junk that I can’t even consider taking into another relationship.

I’m so blown away to feel how much more keeps coming up from pits in my heart and mind that were so tightly hidden.

Maybe other people can.  I don’t know.  I only know I don’t have the stomach for going there.

I think I… finally get it.

I said I could love someone without them.  I said I could protect that love from even them.

This love… means too much to me.  It’s so important to me.  It’s a love that came out of nowhere.  It was totally unexpected.  This love even frightened me enough that I tried running away.  It’s a love that I have never felt before… in my whole entire life.

Today I learned… I need to protect that love… from me.

Today I learned… I can love… but not be ready.

It’s my responsibility to protect this love.  Because I know all that it deserves.

To poison this love… I would deserve to burn.

I need time to heal.

I can unravel hate… all the way down to… nothing.

But this love… cannot be unsewn.

More importantly… this is not required.

And I can… still… not be ready.

But I can heal… make myself ready… while protecting this love.

And THIS… gives me peace.

( The Wisdom of The Oracle card #33 came up… in reverse… meaning I should adhere to the Protection Message.  You can read it by clicking here. )

Snuffing Out Guilt with Truth

Okay… so, you’ve made a mistake of some sort.  Big or small… immaterial.  A mistake is a mistake.

Or… is it?

In this world… from the time we are toddlers until we die… this world tells us mistakes carry various levels of earned punitive guilt.  And of course… most of us have experienced people having differing opinions about how much we should feel guilty and be punished for a mistake.

Read that again.

Let it sink in.

Look back.

Have you ever noticed before?

Do you see it now?

The cruelty we inflict on ourselves and each other is so wrong.  How we respond and react is even worse.

Look… how many times have YOU even made these statements?

“We’re never too old to learn.”

“We’re here to live and learn.”

“If we’re not learning… we may as well be dead.”

But this world makes a lot of money by conditioning us to think this statement.

“Every misdeed receives punishment.”

You do this… you get that.  You feel this way… unless you stop doing this… and go in another direction.

Are we really learning anything from this?

Were we really put on this planet to learn about consequences… and nothing else?

So many of us are so jacked up inside our minds… just from this one detail in our lives.

Look… it’s time to see the reality of a so-called… mistake.

We were put on this planet for learning about life.

God would never put us here for being punished whenever we fart in the wrong damn direction.

People on this planet have taken God’s purpose and twisted it… to make a LOT of money from it.  And they begin the conditioning from the time we are toddlers.

The truth is…

We need to throw out the word ‘mistake’.  Time to start throwing the money mongers off their game.

Bottom line… it’s AN EXPERIENCE.  You get choices.  If you make the wrong choice… the consequences come to you.

However… those consequences come way before any cop… any courtroom… any judge… and prison.

And we’ve all been conditioned to completely overlook those consequences… by the money mongers.

The true consequences sit inside your heart.  And it’s up to you to see them.  Sometimes… it takes the feelings of others impacted by your choices to help you see those consequences.

And LEARN the LESSON.

The lesson is THE END GAME.

If we all existed in this life God sent us to experience… doing everything perfectly… what would there be to learn?

Let that sink in.

You have free will.  You have choices.  You can choose not looking to find the consequences inside your heart.

You can choose to refuse learning the lesson.

But THAT is where you meet up with God.  He always gets the last word.  It’s always good.  He is the Father.  He raises His children to help them learn the lesson.

It’s when we choose to see the negativity in a choice we’ve made.  That brings the learning from a lesson.

And People… THAT is why we’re all here.

It’s that simple.

It’s the truth.

Guilt only has a proper place when we choose to repeat making the same negative choices in any experience.

And THAT sucks all the energy out of our bodies and our experience of being in this life.

Even life-changing negative choices should be forgiven by others… once you learn the lesson from inside your heart and choose the choice that reciprocates only positive towards the universe.

If they refuse to forgive with kindness… see that as a lesson that THEY are needing to learn.

And weed them from your garden until that happens.

Never stand in the presence of those needing to learn lessons from negatives they are throwing at you.  You become an obstacle in their path of learning in this life.

This world calls that ‘enabling’.

There is nothing sweeter on this earth for me… than watching someone recognize their wrong choice… taking the time to learn the lesson… and moving forward in a positive direction.

That’s when I forgive.  That’s when I love forgiving!!

Forgiveness… this world says we should forgive… even when we don’t receive the apology.

I totally disagree.

It does not help serve the world when that person is out there… continuing with the same choices that bring negative impact on others.

That person is not being served with kindness when we choose to become an obstacle in their path in this life experience.

We stop them from the opportunity of being able to learn the lesson… when we just toss forgiveness to them.

Forgiveness IS to be earned by learning a lesson.

Being kind includes getting out of the way so a person can learn a lesson.

Reciprocity… Look it up in the Dictionary.  This world survives on love… gentleness… kindness.

Try dishing out some of your own!

 

( This oracle card came out in reverse for me this morning… meaning the Protection Message applies in my circumstances.  Click Here to read… and learn!)

I’m Gonna Be Okay

I got the back windshield replaced on my Putt-Putt!!!

I’m so tickled!  Next on the list… having it Detailed.  And then… we head up to Rusty Wallace KIA in Alcoa.  The usual mileage maintenance… brand new passenger side mirror assembly… and 4 brand new all-weather tires!

I’ve been knocking out lists since last Tuesday.  Just… taking care of business.  Doing the right thing.

Deposited the rent into my landlord’s bank account.  Mailed off a cashier’s check to pay back my aunt and uncle.  Bought a new mail box.  I’m hoping and praying I don’t have to cut off a portion of the 4″ x 4″ post that’s already there.  Otherwise… I may have to cave in and go pick up one of the power tool bundle sets from Lowe’s a little earlier than I wanted.

But the lists never end.  Yes, indeed.  And I’ll just keep knocking them out.

It feels so good to watch every task disappear.  I feel lighter every time I scratch through one of the items.  I’ve been running my butt all over the place… taking care of a lot of things… besides what I mention.

But… That’s who I am.

And still… I made time to reach out to somebody really wonderful… somebody so important in my life… with some truth… only out of love.

Seeds are planted.  Ball’s in their court.  You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink… and all that yada-yada stuff.

From this point… I’ve done my part.  They’re in God’s hands.  But I will always pray for them.  And I will always love them.  This person deserves to find healing and truth.  They deserve to find peace that stops all the running from themselves.

It’s not for me to sit and wait.  I move forward.  God says, “Well… We tried, Hon.  Maybe in the next life.”

And I’m perfectly okay with that.

I deserve to be happy.  I deserve love.  I deserve being Teresa.  I deserve to have fun!  I deserve getting back out there in this world and plugging in, again!

I’ve been looking back… trying to figure out where the electric cord fell out of the wall of life in my journey.  Ya’ know?  Where did that first step away from being so comfortable in my skin take place?

When I uprooted and left Manteca, California… May, 2000.  I never should have done that.  Like falling into an old abandoned water well with no bottom.

Would I do it today?  HAHAHAHA!  Are you kidding me?

I love living in East Tennessee.  It’s meant for me to be here.

I can feel that this morning.

This… is the good that has come out of a really dark 19 years of my life.

I’m never giving this up for anybody.

Too many gorgeous roads around here for two wheels!  Too many good people!

Too many great possibilities!

And being kind is received by others with warm hearts and open arms.

Being Kind… On the top of… My Forever list!

But take notice…

This wench isn’t sitting on any railroad tracks!

RECIPROCITY… Look it up in the Dictionary.  This world survives on love… gentleness… kindness.

Try dishing out some of your own!

Queen of Swords is Dancin’!

Sometimes… life throws a garage full of things at someone.  Everybody handles the situation differently.  I tend to think the end result shows who they are.

And so it goes… this past week has been me… just trying to do the right thing.

I have not done so alone.  I give love… thanks and gratitude to God, Himself… my Spirit Guides… the Angels… and my whole family over on the other side.  Even Artist and Zucker.

Yes.  The beautiful spirits of a Bull and a Miniature Schnauzer went with me to mediation for settlement in divorce.  Not one single soul on this planet went with me… besides my Attorney.  But… there was a load of support from the other side that left no room for anyone from this planet.

And for the record… all the Casteels from Texas City, Texas now thriving over on the other side… were there.  So was Skippy Bullard.  I have always said… “When we die and go to the other side we all learn all the truths.  Everything makes sense.  And we face what we cannot come back and fix.”

Well… I was wrong about not being able to come back and fix things.  They gave me peace when I asked if it was okay to request being returned to my maiden name I was given at birth… so I could finally use it… for the first time in my life.

In the middle of this… My Daddy helped me understand why he turned me down when I was younger and asked him to adopt me.  He was all I knew of a father.  Raised me from the time I was only 16 months old.

This last name thing was an important subject for both of us.  But we lose our egos when we go to the other side.  And we find love.  Even if we feel like we never really found it on this planet while we were here.  In turn… I think my Daddy chose to give me what he was able to receive, himself.

He was… always… a giving man when it really counted.

We shot straight in the mediation.  And we won.

I showed up on a wing and a prayer.  No insurance.  Busted windshield.  Thanks a lot, Dwayne.  And just enough cash to cover the cost for mediation.  Thank GOD AND ME.

All I could think about was getting it over with… so I could just… go get insurance for my Putt-Putt and… finally… get it registered in my name.  No more hanging it over my head for manipulation and control.

Since September 16, 2019… I have been on the road… just trying to do the right thing.  Of course it came with fighting stupidity.  Living in this world would be too boring without healthy stupidity creating ridiculous hoops for people to jump through… securing a few paychecks protected by a bunch of lead in the back pockets of recipients.

I know that will make perfect sense to a few intelligent people.

I’ve managed to get my Putt-Putt registered in my name – get insurance – do some grocery shopping – go to therapy – and schedule a whole mess of pertinent appointments.

I’m scheduled to get the back windshield replaced tomorrow.  I’ve scheduled for having 4 new tires mounted/balanced, etc. – a new passenger mirror assembly mounted – and regular mileage maintenance on my Putt-Putt with Rusty Wallace Kia in Alcoa.

Yeah… I’ve never wrecked one of my cars.  That is… until I started dodging hammers from somebody I only thought I knew.  First time ever.  But it could have been a LOT worse.  Paint and Body shop’s easy fix.

Somewhere in that mix… after the windshield gets replaced… I’m scheduling to have that poor thing detailed.  She looks as rough as I feel after all this nightmare.

I’ve been able to… finally… reschedule my appointment with my Ophthalmologist and get my glaucoma drops called in to the pharmacy.  Pick up cashier’s checks for the landlord and paying back my aunt and uncle for helping me.

I ordered checks.  But here’s the funny part.  They won’t be in for a couple weeks.  And… I’ll have to order new checks.

I’m waiting for the final decree to be recorded in Loudon County.  Then… I go pick up a few certified copies from the Clerk’s office in Loudon County.  At that point… I begin this whole new trip around the world to have everything in my name changed to Teresa Marie Tavares.

Social Security – Drivers License – Bank – Utilities – Doctors – the friggin’ Internet.

Yeah.  I know.

I’m sending out new address cards to a lot of places where I do business.  And they’ll all have the portion of the divorce decree that shows I’ve been granted return of my maiden name.  But of course… some will require my body to walk through the door and produce the actual… certified copies.

More driving.  More sitting in line.  More waiting.  More late dinners.

Did I celebrate?  Not like most people might.  No DD available.

I was starving by the time we got out of mediation.  I had only 2 minutes to spare… God as my witness… by the time I made it to the bank.  I’m tellin’ y’all… I’m good at this crap.  I’ve just been… under oppression for the past 19 damn years!!

I looked across the street and… “Voila’!”  My favorite.  Bella’s!!  Salmon and Scallops!!  Yessss!!

Toys?

I wanna buy a Harley so badly… it’s biting on my butt… so damn badly!  I know Smoky Mountain Harley Davidson will take good care of me.  I’ll be able to take the classes and all.  And I don’t care if it cramps asses flipping me off right now.  I’m doin’ it.  Mark my word.

But for right now… I just want to get… the other serious priorities… out of the way, first.

I need to get all this bureaucracy out of the way, first.  After that… focus on making a decision about going to work somewhere.

I’ve already made one solid decision that holds NO compromise. Period.  I REFUSE to work any stinkin’ part-time job… ever again… for the rest of my damn life.  If they can’t guarantee me a minimum of 40 hours per week… they don’t deserve me.  End of that conversation.

But then again… I may not even decide to go work for somebody else.  I just may keep myself… all for myself!  By God… I know I’ll give me 40 hours per week… AND benefits!

Toys?

Yeah… I got one of the other two left on my list… today.  This came at a really great time for me.  Part of my healing.

I have wanted one of these forever!  And it was like… it was just meant for me to have this.

Found it on Craigslist.  Wonderful lady met me near Oak Ridge to do the swap.  Informed me… this little treasure was being passed from one Theresa… to another Teresa.

It belonged to her mother… who never stopped long enough to even use it on one project.  I feel another angel has been watching over me.  And I am so honored to have this treasure in my hands.  I will do my very best for both of us!!

Imagine this… a future biker… who also dives in to heirloom sewing.

Yeaaahhhh!  My Libra Energy!  Going to Balance those Scales!

Ohhh.  And that third toy…

Jeff Rains…. I’m coming after you!  You’re gonna give me my first.

“snicker”

People… if you ever wanna be good at something…. Be Kind.  And learn how to love.

RECIPROCITY…. Look it up!  Dish some out!

The Ashes are Stirring

This morning has been overwhelming in the area of emotion.  Listening to Tarot with Tilly… her upload for this morning’s collective reading… everything I was experiencing in the morning began making perfect sense.

Right off the bat… resisting Alan.  I could feel him thinking of me.  And for the first time… I didn’t want to feel that.

The tears just overwhelmed me.

This resistance coming from inside me felt so strange.  It was confusing.  Resisting and sobbing at the same time.  Yet… I welcomed both.

Lately, I’ve been very withdrawn.  Deliberately.  I’ve needed time alone.  I know I’m going through a strong period of time in my life where I’m shedding my skin… releasing all those in my world that have not been for my highest good.  Those that have only entered moments in my life when they needed something from me.  Those that have always expected my presence in their lives and giving them the support they need.  When the end result has been… they have never been there for me in return.

You know who you are.

It is true… you can count your true friends on one hand.  I love you, Deb.  This shoe I’m throwing this morning does not fit you.

And I love… and thank God for my Aunt Judy and Uncle Danny.

I could not figure out why I found myself moving around the house… doing things… setting up dishes to wash… clearing tables… unpacking… organizing… while just sobbing the whole time.

And then it dawned on me.  I recognized  EXACTLY where I was standing… while living in my now.  I realize why I am here in this solitude… withdrawn… going within to be with my inner-child… while I deal with this divorce and all the loss.

I’ve been here before.  It is my safe place.  But it is a different place in my eyes and heart this morning.  Because I see a LOT of ‘house cleaning’ that I need to do.

There is another whole level of healing in this safe place for me to tend.  Healing before cutting cords… to honor courage… knowledge… truth.  Standing in my own… rather than succumbing to the opinions of others.

Total disregard of my own choices… desires… wishes… decisions… everything I feel is best for me.  So many years of subjecting myself to allowing others to force their own onto me.  Many times being left behind to suffer terrible consequences… while they walked away.

No more.  It comes to an end.  I feel driven to Shed that damage… and come out on the other side with Strength in all the goodness that makes me who I really am… The Soul nobody has ever bothered to dig deep and discover.

I’ve learned through Tarot that there are cords which connect our existence in the now… all the way back to our childhood.  In my case… I see clearly now… where those cords grew very thick in my marriage.  Looking further back… I see the common denominator with their existence in my childhood.

I’m in my safe place right now… because I’m free to give myself the love and support… emotional contact… that every soul needs… wants… requires… deserves… to share with others.  It was so absent in my marriage… same as in my childhood… and even now.

Eddie Altum was the last person to ever give me a really good hug.  What… the year 2000… as far as I can remember.

The absence of reciprocity… looks like some sewage reservoir that has existed as one of the most profound areas in my being… all my life.

My safe place is where I’ve always gone to hide.  I could go there… when I wanted to get away from having to give anything of myself… to all others that only cared enough to take from me.

And in the case of my marriage… I woke up one morning… understanding the declaration from my heart and mind warning me… that they just did not have one more drop… to give.

I’ve come to peace with my decision of… “Fine.  You have nothing to give in return?  I have nothing more to give of myself to you.”

That has become a very healing truth coin I keep in my pocket.

I have gained very deep pockets.  And I am earning many versions of the Coins of Reciprocity I only wish to carry.

I am a human being… before I am anyone else… to anyone else on this planet.

And Dane Hart is absolutely correct.  “It is my right to live my truth and NOT have it affected by ANYONE else.”

Yet… when that well of giving begins to swell again… it craves finding someone… to give to.  So willing.  So able.  So tender.  So damaged.  So blind.

But all that giving lands… once again… in the lap of… desperate takers.  Filling their boredom… entertaining their ego… who knows.

But this woman no longer cares.  Everything… is changing.  That sewage reservoir is disappearing.

She can have her own feelings of love for others… and protect them from those very souls.  Refusing to give all that love to them… to keep them from taking it.

Taking all she is… and all she has to give… for granted.  Abusing it… giving nothing in return… walking away until… they need from her again.

Devastating and destroying the God-given goodness… of the soul from which they merely robbed.

No more.  Never again.  Not even my Spiritual Twin-Flame will cause me any further hurt and pain.  I’ve reached the point of resisting… with more than enough strength… from that very first clench in my heart… caused by him thinking of me.

You want a war honoring your Selfishness?  You got it.  Whomever you may be.

And you lose.  Because right now… my level of selfishness is way too strong for you to conquer robbing me of all the love I feel inside.

And that’s why… I feel so comfortable and safe in my place of solitude and healing.  The ashes are stirring.  Strength grows there.  And there is nothing… and nobody… that will ever succeed getting inside there… ever again.

I am all mine.

I will come to the other side of this.  But this time… Any strength in me seen before by anyone… will amount to bread crumbs… compared to what is rising inside me now.

I will no longer… need… anyone… to love me.  I will be enough love for me.

I ALREADY AM enough.

Looking Deep for Love Inside

 

I made a run up to the Little Pigeon River and made the loop around Cades Cove a few days ago.  I needed to blow out some cobwebs and clear my heart and mind.  Spring flowers… the flow of the water… just wandering through the trees helps.

Brings that childlike innocence of adventuring in nature back to my center.  Best kind of vitamin for me.

Winter has been strange this year.  Spring is looking very strange around the park.  Like the feel of February.

Everything is taking it’s sweet time waking up.  I was there on Friday.  And I said then… that it felt like all the trees were saying we’re not quite ready, yet.  Normally… we should be seeing all the greenery popping under the canopies… flower buds preparing to burst open.

Sunday morning… sure enough.  Coming back from town I could see all the snow on the mountains.

But even the mountains seem to possess that same little secret I’ve used for a survival tool all my life.  “Even in the worst of situations… it simply takes searching a little deeper to find the good… the positive.”

The closer I got to the ground… the more hope I began finding!

Sometimes… you just have to keep searching… to find everything that lives inside you.  Like a game of Hide ‘n Seek… once it sees you… the love finally lets go and brings that smile to your face and joy in your heart!

It Feels Like…

… that eighth month of pregnancy.

Patience.  Waiting on Devine Timing.  I think I understand the struggles of a recovering addict.

Got the job I wanted!

I start next month.

Found the house I wanted!  Perfect for me!  Right in town!  Finally… city utilities!!  Buh-bye septic!  Close to my new job!  Been on the market for almost a year!

Somebody puts a contract on it… the very first day I go in for training.

Three-day out-of-body experience.

Pulling feathers out of my butt.  Full Monte cussing and yelling rant while pacing all around the house. The chinking doesn’t really do much for the logs.  But the glass in those windows must be pretty thick.

Phase 2.  Quiet and angry.  At least I’m being quiet.

Phase 3.  Sad.

Phase 4.  Finally.  The crying begins.  The dam breaks.  And I just let it go… feeling the disappointment pouring out.  Get it out of my system so I can get back up again.

With all that’s gone on for so long… it was long overdue and I just could not remain peaceful to pacify the planet.

But I got back up.

Just as I kept going back for interviews until I got that job… I’ll keep window shopping for houses until God finally bends!!!

In the meantime… I’m repotting everything I can get my hands on.  And I bring something else home to repot… every time I hit a store. 🙅

Nothing wrong with bringing something home to shower with love and kindness!😉

I’m Worthy of Acceptance of What Causes Me Pain

I guess I’m experiencing another tower moment this day.  I don’t know.  My morning was gifted with a heavy… heavy fog.  Here we go… again.

Stepping back.   Game Day for the tears.  Unleash.  Save the dam.  Let ’em go.  Just let them do whatever they’re gonna do.  Get them out of my system… while I go within for some… incredibly needed… self-love and healing.

The walls are back up.  That drawbridge is back up.  Nobody other than Spirit… my Guides… and my Angels enter until I am healed enough to step outside my castle.

My plans are changing… apparently.  And I’m okay with that.  I love me.  And when it comes down to the nut cutting… I am enough.  And I will be perfectly okay.  A little more hardness on the shell.  But I’ll be just fine.

Meaning… I won’t be accepting personal phone calls… texts.  Nor emails.

I’m seeing something in myself that this world will just have to accept right along with me.  I don’t do ignored communications.  For any reason.

I’m too tech savvy to know there’s always a way to reach someone in this century of technology.  And I’ve learned way too much about crickets… and men.

Never the way to behave with me when someone asks me to do something in part of the plan..  and I do so as discussed… respond with an update… and only get crickets… for days.

This does not work.  It never will.  And at this point… that team plan becomes a single-sided… whatever… without me.

I’m just too kind to do this to anyone else.  And that means… nobody has any right to be this unkind toward me.

That Fork in The Road

Sometimes… one can go years in a marriage before realizing… there’s a fork in this road.  One realizes they’re wanting to go in a different direction.  And suddenly… the entire picture of life begins to look so much more brighter… simpler… happier.

Such became the case in my journey to reclaim Teresa.  I reached a point where the stress in the struggle had affected me physically… to the point of taking anti-depressants… anxiety meds… and then came blood pressure meds.

Time was closing in on me.  A decision to move to Missouri was racing on the calendar.  And I wanted to wrap an anchor onto a pier… more and more… every day I awoke.  But when the blood pressure meds came into the picture… I knew I had to sort out and find my strength to decide which direction I was going.

By then… I had so many reasons why I did not want to move to Missouri.  This marriage was sucking life out of me.  Moving to Missouri would isolate me even more… bringing me to my death much sooner.   And I’d decided I wanted to come back alive… and live.

People grow… and change.  We all do.  And it’s not fair for one person to have the comforts of growing in their own journey… while expecting the other to conform… at the expense of leaving their true self way back… years behind.  Time lost.  Soul damaged.  One thread left for hanging on.

Especially when an angel has come onto the scene… and reminded you of who… you really are.  I mean… if that doesn’t bring you a wake-up call… God take you on home.

It just felt like pure common sense to make my case and ask for a divorce.  I was finished with life being all about convenience for someone else… at the expense of my health… well-being and happiness.

I was scheduled to see my doctor 3 days later… for a regular follow-up.  We never got through the usual routine.  Being granted a divorce had my blood pressure drop… too low!  My doctor took me off the blood pressure med.  We expect I’ll be able to stop taking my other two meds once the divorce matters are all in the past.

Amicable.  Fair.  That will be this divorce.  He’s just happy that I’m not wanting to clean his clock out.  I’m shocked that he wants to continue raising cattle.  He says they’re his kids.  Nobody can take these kids away from him.  Believe me.  I get that.  If that’s what makes him happy… I’m happy for him.

But I deserve to be happy…  just as much.  And I have so many reasons to feel excited about getting that chance!

Breaking away… True Self… Amicable… Fair… Truths… Self-Love… Self-Respect… Happiness… Joy… New Love… etc..

These… and many more… are all good things that each of us deserve to embed in our lives while we’re here.  There is no law that says we must give up these things… for anyone else.  Nor should we ever think we are entitled to snuff out those same candles in any other good soul.

Take time to examine how much of these good things you have in your life.  If you find any missing… make time.  Make the effort.  Feed your soul with the goodness it deserves.

Remember…. you are Love.  Be kind to yourself.  And be kind to others.