self-healing – My Morning's Heart

When All You Can Do Is… Be You.

I couldn’t seem to get out of my kitchen Wednesday afternoon.

And in my life today… it usually means I’ve reached the end of my rope over something.

In this case… it’s very true.

But I don’t care to waste my time talking about it.

I’d rather talk about what did get all my attention.

My big pot of chicken soup made on Monday reminded me of when the girl that gave birth to me would make Tacos for 14 people in the house… with 1 pound of ground beef.

And yes… this is one example for why I became enamored with cooking at a very early age.

No. Thank God… we had Home Economics classes in school… from the time I was in 8^th grade.

Anyway…

There was no more chicken in the freezer. Perfect excuse for a trip to Costco.

That turned into a detoured trip beginning at Target… followed by going south to Ingles just to get 2 jars of Dark Wildflower Honey (for Carlie’s grass allergy)… before heading back up Kingston Pike to Costco.

Fortunately… I was able to get gas there afterward.

I was able to get another FoodSaver. The other one went to Missouri.

So Wednesday afternoon… tripled the amount of chicken and added it to the soup before loading it into storage containers to freeze into blocks… which I will transfer into FoodSaver bags after freezing.

And then I grabbed that huge bag of baby spinach.

Felt like I was back in my element… blanching and bagging. That loud moan of the motor on the FoodSaver before it kicks in the heating sealer.

Two Cantaloupes. Cut up one into slices and stored in a gallon size Ziploc bag for the fridge. Cut the other into chunks and set out on a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper to freeze… before putting the FoodSaver to work again.

Unloaded the dishwasher and reloaded halfway. Handwashing 2 big pots.

Making room before setting up Oatmeal and Chocolate Chip Cookie dough.

About two thirds went into freezer containers. The rest in the fridge… for baking on Friday.

First time I’ve run that dishwasher twice in one day.

Housework. Laundry.

Happy with all that I accomplished on the Homefront.

Not happy with the root of the problem that stimulated the non-stop multi-tasking without a break.

This business with staying at home because of the Covid-19 has nothing to do with it.

Living out in the country gives one plenty of time to acclimate in this type of atmosphere.

I decided to act on a decision.

As Lauren Alaina sings it…

“I’m not okay but I’m gonna be alright…”

I went to Instagram early this morning… thinking I was the only one feeling this way.

I found out I am in way too much good company.

But at least I can feel really good about… being a good woman.

God knows… I’m a good… honest… strong… wise woman.

And He’s on my side.

That’s all that matters to me right now.

Knowledge and experience sit with me… holding my hand.

Telling me… “You know healing takes time. You got this. And you can even take care of your life while in the process.”

When The Current Shows The Calm In The Past

The obsession with materialism has never appealed to me.

I’m isolating myself at home… respecting requests over this situation with the Coronavirus.

Gives time to reflect.

Observing the social panic… over toilet paper… is becoming an interesting lesson in current society that… quite honestly… leaves a really sickening taste in my mouth.

Maybe I’m the odd one.

I just don’t need to hoard more than basic needs with a tinge of comfort.

Enough to keep it cozy and inviting for friends and family.

Materialism is not life… in truth. I’ve always chosen love over money.

I don’t care what anyone else tries to pin on me. I’ll say it right now. They’re full of shit!

I have ALWAYS earned my way. I have ALWAYS done my part.

In fact… naysayers are only yapping because I pulled back on over indulging them and their wants.

Thirsting for greed. A mindset of thinking one is entitled to take all they want… and leave others on the curb.

I cannot imagine having that mindset while laying on my deathbed.

I find value in a person that invests in their abilities. Their talents.

Builds that material world just enough to bring family and friends together.

At that point… it never matters what happens to all that material world… the money.

If it burns… if it’s stolen… it doesn’t matter.

Because that person who put it all together still carries all the true wealth… inside their mind and in their hands.

They can rebuild. They can save money again.

When it comes to a man… nothing turns me on more than a man who builds just enough to hold family and friends… and then insists on blocking time in life to enjoy time and life with them!

My Daddy had his flaws. But he sure made a point of doing that.

And he did teach me a lot.

When the chips were down… he was right there. Whatever you needed. Didn’t matter if he knew you… or not.

I watched him be taken for granted… in so many ways… by others.

I learned what not to do.

If my own efforts were ever thwarted by an inch… I would let him help me.

And then I would repay him… before doing anything else in my life for myself.

He was never afraid to respect me for that.

I can remember working part-time while in high school. First thing I chose to do was begin ‘paying room and board.’

I look back now and laugh with love at myself. And I know he did the same.

Why?

Because it was only $40.00 every 2 weeks. LMAO!!

But… back then… okay?

It was a chunk out of the few hours I was given to work each week. I was only making $2.15 per hour! Give me a break!

I was doing the REAL Part-Time scene…. A high school kid keeping her grades up so she could work 30 hours per week at McDonalds.

Ya’ damn right. We were required to bring our report cards in to work.

If we had lower than a 3.1 gpa… our hours got cut.

My boss was a retired Air Force Officer. Need I say more?

Daddy teased me once about the $40.00. I knew he wasn’t serious. I rolled with it!

Next payment… I told him… ‘Here’s your Get Out of Jail Money!’

Yeah. That was while I was rolling up his shirt sleeves… the way he insisted… so perfectly… before walking out the door to go bar hopping on a Friday night.

He was going to need that $34.50 to bail out!! LOL!

Our best times together before I turned 18 were spent in the bathroom.

Now… hang on! Hang on.

The man was vain! He spent more time than a teenager primping in the bathroom!

He never just… shaved. It was like un-painting a piece of art.

And styling his hair? Oh. My. God. He wouldn’t stop until the last hair was in its proper place!

I would sit there… watching. Sometimes laughing at his antics!

And he would sing. Ohhhh. The best part.

I loved listening to him sing.

In my life… I learned to be grateful for… love.

Daddy had a thing about keeping up with the Jones’. He was very materialistic.

But for him… it was about working hard all his life and having something to show for it.

He needed to exude pride for raising and taking care of a family.

I mean… the man was only 27 years old when he bought his first 3-bedroom brick home with a double car garage… and filled it with new furniture.

Brand new camping trailer that slept 6… brand new car… at least one classic car… and of course… his Bike!

He was in apprenticeship school for becoming a Journeyman Pipefitter-Welder.

He was awarded Journeman’s pay after being in school only 6 months of the 5 years to reach certification… two nights every week… after working a full day out at the refineries.

My Daddy was very well known in his craft. He had a very deeply respected reputation for his talents in Welding.

I know why he was so head strong about the Keeping up with the Jones’.

I understand the real message he was trying to convey.

My Grandparents had 9 out of 14 children survive.

Grandpa spent a lot of time away from the family… working at the shipyards… before moving back to Texas… when he became a Union Pipefitter.

It was rough on Grandma and the kids. Very rough.

I know that had a lot to do with Daddy’s thinking.

To an extent… I think he resented my Grandpa for being so absent and leaving all of them alone to fend for themselves. The struggles they endured.

Grandpa was an alcoholic. It was hereditary in the whole family. He drank up a lot of the money he earned.

Until he found Sobriety and threatened anyone that even thought about bringing alcohol into his house!

It became a family joke. And a few of the uncles rebelled… always sneaking it into that small house whenever we all got together for Christmas Eve!

Oh, he was funny! I love him so much! He was a mess!! They were all a mess!!

But I look at people today. The massive mindset fogged over by obsession for materialism.

It feels so dry and unfeeling… like an abandoned mall.

And even my Daddy would not want to sit in silence about it. I can see him throwing down his opinions.

He would be sad… disgusted… frustrated.

I don’t know. The ways of today have me reconsidering my perspective on my first 20 years of my life.

There was a lot of abuse. But there was a lot of family love. Love was first.

Love mattered. Alcohol got in the way. Lack of tools for maturation got in the way.

But love mattered… enough that I was able to feel it… until he was killed by a drunk driver.

With the majority of all that huge family now residing over on the other side… everything inside me says they all recognize things they would go back and do differently… if it were possible.

And in my book… that counts. Because… I feel them all with me… in my life more than they ever were on earth.

They count. Their love for me counts. I know they’ve got my back.

And I love each and every one of them… a hundred times more than I ever did while they were here on earth.

Because that’s who I am.

I’ve come full circle from the day I was born.

I am love.

Ying and Yang – Balance – The Battle

Ever experience having a friend or acquaintance you see almost daily… where you notice they change their mind about things really often… sometimes overnight?

You see a pattern in their thinking. One day they feel this way. Tomorrow they feel that way. It’s like they cannot make up their mind.

It can be exhausting for those on the outside seeing this person going through this… thing.

And they do it with almost every choice in their life.

They look crazy… to some people.

Always in their head. Right?

I’m one of those people.

I’ve known this for a very… very long time. It has always bothered me.

Why do I do such things?

This is something that can obstruct relationships in life.

You can lose friends. Family even negates you out of their equation.

You’re just accepted as being crazy.

And so for me… I separate myself from the whole population.

This is the longest period of time I have done such.

And I continue needing more time.

I’ve needed peace.

I’ve needed answers.

I’ve needed to understand why this goes on inside me.

I’ve needed to understand what others see on the outside of me.

I’ve needed to understand how… and why… I allow others to manipulate and abuse me through this thing I feel has been a weakness.

Some people in my life… may not have even been aware they were even doing so.

Nothing I can do about that.

It is for them to acknowledge with their own awareness.

My job has been to sort out my own self.

I can only speak for myself.

I can only depict the understanding I find… once it settles within my whole being.

Telling me I have found the correct answer… for myself.

Those daily swings of feeling this way one day… that way the next. That’s not crazy.

That’s me working my ass off… inside my mind and heart. Searching… fervently.

Imagine a plane dropping a piece of paper from 500 feet in the air.

Envision the paper making its way to the ground.

See how it swirls. Sways. Slowly descending. Until it reaches the ground. Where it rests in peace.

And then the garbage man picks it up and throws it into the back of the garbage truck!!

Hahaha!

Okay. Maybe that would be the piece of paper. Not me!

No. Reaching the ground for me would be my mind being given time to feel each possible resolution… to find the one that settles most peacefully inside me.

So many things in our lives function by requiring our thoughts… opinions… decisions… on so many different levels.

And I would bet most of us tangle most inside ourselves… when it comes to love.

Love on so many levels.

Family. Friends. Personal Goals.

That one we all seek. To walk alongside… through this life.

Who fits?

Why do they seem to fit?

What about them makes us feel good?

What about them yanks our last nerve?

I mean… balance requires both… good and bad. And most of all… honesty with ourselves.

I search all the time. I go back in the past only to seek where I went wrong.

It bothers me.

Without correcting my mistakes… I cannot move forward in a much more pleasant and peaceful frame of mind and heart.

I only wish to bring the best of myself to the table.

I must search my mind and heart with questions for myself.

I must be willing to answer honestly… without fear.

I must be willing to acknowledge my own growth evolves from all this hard work.

And with that said… there may be changes within me that another may not be willing to respect… and/or accept.

I must hone my strength to accept their choice with respect.

Move on… knowing there is someone in this world that is able and willing.

But with that said… can my mind and heart swing back to a longtime truth I have been struggling with?

Love for a soul whose eyes I have never seen. This has been a battle for me.

Heartache. Heartbreak. Back and forth. In and out. Present. Absent.

The absence is the worst. It has been the latest. And the longest.

None of the pain settles inside me. It’s not what I seek. I run.

I fight to let go. I fight to feel nothing.

To feel even anger… is to feel something. And that keeps that cord to that connection secure.

I fight until all I can do is cry.

When there’s no fight left inside me… all I can do is surrender myself… giving in and taking that time to cry it all out.

I get one single day of feeling clear.

The next day… it’s like God steps in and says… “Nope. I will win.”

Aaaaaaaand…. I’m swinging back to the other end of the spectrum.

This love for this soul with eyes I’ve never seen… simply refuses to go away and leave me alone.

Why?

I’m able to carry on with my own life… work on my goals. And I’m able to roll with the flow… easily.

I go about my days now… taking care of everything in my life with absolutely no desire to respond to any man approaching me… which is something totally out of character for me now.

Except one.

This is the one answer that has me struggling to find an understanding.

No matter what I do in my life… he is still there. He still owns my heart.

Why?

What is The Divine concocting?

Taking My Sword To The Fog

A situation has risen its ugly head in my life once again. And right now… I am existing in this very unfamiliar… fog.

That’s how I have been best able to describe what I see inside me. See how I feel inside.

I’m not one to sit and let it fester. I know I have the strength to find the core of the issue… before I heal it.

But this… has traveled through a massive amount of scar tissue from hurt and pain experienced throughout my entire life… all the way down to clean flesh.

After all the hard work I have survived and accomplished. After all the exploration to find the cores to all the hurts. After all the nursing to heal all that infected pain.

After all the time taken to use the right tools to correct and heal my heart… mind… and soul.

Just when I was… finally… becoming able to accept a reality of hidden truths about someone I never really knew at all.

Here comes… yet… another attempt to show me who they really are.

As if I haven’t seen more than enough… already.

But remember… I said this blow has me in an unfamiliar fog.

I’m still standing.

I’ve always known how to prepare for tornadoes… since my childhood. Now I really know why.

Because THIS TIME… just like knowing when to send the family to the bathtub to get under the bed mattress… or… head down to the basement of the house…

I sent everything I have learned… and all the truth and wisdom about myself I have gained… to a safe room in my mind… for protection.

Therefore… all is well in my life… while the rest of me walks toward the fight… to battle the core of this unexpected issue.

I will overcome. I am protected. I have God on my side. I have all the Angels right beside me.

And I have a whole family of Casteels… Bullards… and only God knows who else over there now on the other side… that will make damn sure… I will be perfectly okay.

My Daddy had a lot of friends. And they always watched over me when they were among us.

They’ve done it before. They’ll do it again.

But this time… they just may override my sense of fairness. And there is nothing I can do about that from over here.

I am the wrong person to bestow selfish… undeserved cruelty upon.

I am everything good… through my mind… my heart… and my soul.

I can be your best friend. Or, your worst enemy. You get to choose.

And when you choose either… I get to choose how to respond.

But there are times… when I never need to bother myself with responding.

And THAT’S when the one dishing any ill will toward me… should worry most.

Evil never learns the reality and true purpose in the journey of life.

That’s why evil never wins.

I will be standing… in my truth and wisdom… as my true authentic self… at the end of this battle.

Empires and True Love

Imagine this. Close your eyes and envision this incredible materialistic empire you have created.

One night… the police come knocking on your door at 3:30am… waking you up. Asking you to come with them.

They take you to your empire… where it is burning to the ground.

By daylight… everything you have built… that materialistic dream of yours… sits in ashes… completely destroyed by fire.

What would you do?

“I will rebuild it, again.”

Yes?

One can always rebuild a materialistic empire.

And you can delegate its care and survival.

But you see… this is impossible with humans… relationships… love.

Humans, relationships… and especially love… are like the most beautiful garden on earth.

You find all those treasures that provide beauty and the scents of every kind of perfume and cologne ever brought before our senses.

Each of us is blessed with our own mass of humans that come and go in our lives.

And our deepest of blessings is granted… when that single precious human comes to stand before all others.

Gives of them-self… from the deepest places in their heart… with every ounce of their being… to no one else.

Only YOU.

The greatest secret to any garden is to discover that there is always one plant that may flower for a few days out of every year.

But its true beauty reigns in its inner existence… which brings out the beauty of its whole being for the rest of the year.

You cannot delegate the care and survival of that garden.

It requires your personal attention.

Constant nourishment can only be received from you.

For that effort… you are blessed with your own nourishment… coming to you 10-fold in return.

And only the truest essence is capable of giving such.

The beauty only becomes better as time moves along… blessed with your personal care.

As in any garden… weeds will appear. They will crowd your vision of all the beauty.

Unless there comes an end to their ill intentions of stopping you from seeing the one that came to stand before you in front of all the others.

Other flowers may put on a glorious show… mesmerizing the whole world with such outer beauty.

Only to poison anyone touching anything exposed from its inside.

Outside beauty can be evil.

Not that everything beautiful on the outside can be evil on the inside. But that is the fertile ground where it hides.

From this experience you learn to decipher between a weed… a poisonous flower… and the truest of the beauty in the garden.

When a beautiful plant shows up in your garden… like some surprise… and it refuses to die because it lives for you…

It returns your care… attention and nourishment by touching your heart with its beauty on the inside…

What do you do?

Have you found your truest beauty?

Where are they now?

How well have you tended to your garden?

Stepping Stones Toward Reaching Goals

My daily blogging is looking like Swiss cheese again. I know. Believe me. My mind… heart… and muscles are all too aware. Been a lot going on.

Back in August, 2019 I ended up having to rent a house in a town that was almost 63 miles south of where I needed to be located. I had to rent the house sight unseen.

Long story. Sometimes… you have to be willing to struggle in your life… to get around major breathing obstacles having bad intentions.

I chose to accept this house as being a blessing. And gratitude thrives from my heart… as always. Looking back… I can almost see the clothing all the Angels wore while they were covering my back door.

I had an option to purchase this house. Once I had made my final decision about what I wanted to do with my passion… I knew it was not going to fit in with my goals.

The location was… definitely… an obstruction in the big picture. Only 788 square feet of house.

But my gratitude to the Landlord and those that helped me in the process… put faith and trust in me… will forever exist.

This was a stepping stone for me. And now… time has come for moving forward to my next step.

I’m relocating to the area where I need to reside. This holds so much more common sense for me. I won’t be opening the cap for my gas tank on my car so much… to say the least.

There is a fenced yard for Carlie! There is a double car garage, which will help me with storage. Separate storage shed in the backyard for the yard tools. Separate laundry room… just off the kitchen.

Living room and family room. Fireplace. Covered back patio… just outside the French doors. Open kitchen! I love open kitchens… lots of cabinets… and a load of light coming from the window.

Finally… a kitchen window that’s not so high it keeps me from watching things outside while I’m washing dishes or cooking! I can watch my Bird Feeders again!

And now I have plenty of room for my goal. Since my divorce began and I relocated… I have been investing in equipment… software… books and supplies for my passion.

I have studied. I have practiced. Now I am ready to go to work.

I prayed for this. I’ve worked hard for it. I deserve this stepping stone.

My presence and personal communication has been vague with friends and family in Facebook. Saved my ranting for Twitter. Okay… most of it.

I don’t know. I’ve probably appeared as if I’ve been sitting on a couch and soaking up the portion of my divorce settlement investing in and devouring Bon Bons.

Or… going out to the Bars and Nightclubs… hooking up with men. Getting that good dose of Rebound Flings. Taking off on cruises. Weekly total Spa treatments. Or… whatever the hell women do after divorce these days.

No.

And other men? In my life? Seriously? I am just now getting over that feeling of wanting to murder the next one that even looks at me with a friggin’ grin. But that trigger can raise from the dead by any man choosing to become stupid.

Just being honest. I’m not all the way healed. I’m a work in progress.

When it comes to men… I only think about one. Still. Always. My Knight. YOU. The only man I have room for in my life.

But he’s not here. I guess he has his reasons. So I focus on me… my goals. I do what I CAN do… to keep standing. To keep moving forward. And praying.

Part of my life goal is to buy my own home. Well… this country holds a leash and shock collar on the demands for being able to buy a home. You must have a good credit score. You must have a sizable down-payment. You must have a good record of employment outside the home… for at least 6 months.

The word of a human being no longer has any meaning in this country any longer.

I worked more than one job at home… including raising cattle… worked harder than I ever did when I was employed in the airline industry.

I busted my ass as much as my Dad did… as a Journeyman Pipefitter Welder.

Actually… I worked harder. I was 24-7 on-call status. I never got a day off. In almost 18 years of marriage… only one weekend vacation to Jackson, Tennessee to go Crappie fishing. And one weekend trip to Savannah, Georgia. It was a Mother’s Day – Pick up a tractor weekend.

But the only thing that matters to America is… I didn’t leave the house and bring home a paycheck.

The Credit Union told me I needed to hold a part-time job for at least 6 months… before they would give me a mortgage loan for $90,000.00.

Right. So… you’re telling me… I can go work 12 hours each week… for 6 months… at $11.00 per hour… and you will give me that loan?

Can you hear me laughing at the insanity? Believe me… it’s sandwiching anger. For so many good and loving human beings in this country.

This is what they do in this country. The truth is as pure as sewage. And the arguments are as lame… shallow… and LAZY as it gets.

And then we wonder why so many elderly people are having to sacrifice and choose their battles between eating… paying ridiculous monthly health insurance premiums… car insurance… gas for the car… and paying the insane costs for their pharmaceutical meds.

Other options to buying a home. If you are self-employed… you must have 2 years of tax records to prove stability to secure maintaining a mortgage.

Next come the Snakes… who tell you they can get you into a home without any down-payment… no job status required… blah blah blah.

The trap… You pay 40-60 percent of the price for the property… up front. And the interest rate is just… stupid.

They justify the monthly mortgage figure with the fact that it’s still less than monthly rent for a 3-bedroom apartment. “Let’s not squabble about it only being 35 cents, okay?”

Yeah, right. Piss in one hand and wish in the other, Moron. See which one warms your heart faster.

Moving along…

So… over the past 6 months I have been steadily working on my credit score. The 700+ credit score I half earned relocated out of state. My part dropped to 520. His stayed the same. He took it with him. Ahhh… but there’s a reason why his credit score sat up in the balcony seats.

I handled all the finances up until the last year and a half before the divorce.

Starting over did not come without a steep price… of course. Just to get the utilities turned on required pennies short of $1,000.00.

But little by little… and doing nothing more than paying my bills on time… I have raised my credit score up into the healthy ‘Fair’ bracket.

So… I’m moving into a much nicer home! But remember… I have no… ‘job’.

How do you relocate almost 62 miles away… working any part-time job… where they’re only giving you 12 hours each week?

Why bother?

Every penny goes inside the gas tank. And it simply amazes me to see how the financial realm in this country is so lame at doing common sense math. There’s only one explanation.

Nobody cares in this country.

I decided early on… this house was not going to work. It wasn’t working for my plans. And it wasn’t working in my life.

So I had to get really creative… again. And sacrifice… again.

Now at this point… moving into this next house is supposed to be another stepping stone. From here… I go get that lame 12-hour per week job and work on my passion at the house.

My next step is… buying my own home.

It’s NOT going to matter to anyone at the bank… how much money I will have in my bank account. My passion goal can start rolling in enough cash that sets me up really great!

Most people quit their ‘jobs’ when this happens. But me? Oh, no. I cannot quit my ‘job’… unless I want to wait 2-3 years… to prove stability with my passion goal.

Because the bank won’t care. They just want to see the check stubs proving the length of time I have been employed outside the home. Never mind my perfect consistency with paying all my bills… including a signature loan I have carried… with THEM… over the past 6 months.

And the real pisser… the Rent is double the cost of a monthly mortgage payment. This is a serious problem in this country. The mentality in general… running amuck within our existing corporate world is just… totally inhumane and unconscionable.

And they do it because they can. They do it because we don’t do our background research on local politicians… and make damn sure the crooked ones never make it to Washington, D.C..

Even in the game Clash of Kings… Kingdoms have the rule about not attacking main castles.

It allows players to grow in the game. They have a fair chance to become a valuable asset to the kingdom.

The difference between the two?

Human beings from NATIONS ALL AROUND THIS WORLD play in Clash of Kings.

*** Note: This is NOT an endorsement for Lowe’s, nor do I receive any funds for using the moving carton in my photo.

And I Made My Decision

The alarms on the clocks sound from my Kindle and my phone. A new day arrives after making a decision before bedtime last night.

I chose walking away.

I know me. I know my heart. I know my conscience. I know the kind of love I am capable of giving. But I also know the kind of love I deserve.

And beginning today… I will love me.

I rise for my usual morning routine. My bed is made. I dress. Carlie gets her tone collar put on before being let out for her morning constitutions. Her breakfast is prepared… soaking in hot water to make its ‘gravy’ that she loves.

The usual brushing of my hair and teeth. Then… I grind fresh coffee bean and set the pot brewing. That soft ‘bark’ at the front door. Carlie comes back in and heads for her breakfast after removal of her collar.

There is something about the smell of a fresh cup of hot coffee before the sun even begins to rise. It’s like… “Good morning!” And just taking a few moments to absorb how it makes me feel… makes me ready for my next couple of hours.

I’m into my daily guidance on YouTube… listening to Tilly’s daily reading for today… when I have to pause. Carlie’s finished breakfast. She won’t let the world continue until she gets her cookies.

Tilly’s reading is finished. I move on to Gemma’s reading for the day… followed by Uriel’s reading for the weekend.

It’s amazing how all three women cover all aspects of life in their own way. Light Readers are gifted with their own unique guidance.

I’m so comfortable… thankful… and grateful for how I’ve come to rely on these three women for offering me a peek into what I can expect for the day… what guidance I need from The Divine, the Angels and The Universe.

Fanny is my Go-To for my monthly guidance as an individual. Still… I gain those daily steps from the other three earth angels!

But it was my own readings I did last night… through Colleen Baron-Reid’s Wisdom of The Oracle and Lucy Cavendish’s Dragonfae Apps (apparently, no longer available in Google’s Play Store?)… that led me to my final decision.

The rest of the day will include more study for a couple hours into the subject of my main goal in life… as well as the current tasks I’m in the middle of handling. Daily household duties requiring my attention around the house will be completed. And my evening will be free for planning my weekend.

I always pay attention to how my entire body feels after making decisions like this. There is a sense of peace that covers me. Reminds me of a baby’s face… just after entering this world and resting on Mom’s chest… eyes open and looking up at her… so quietly and relaxed.

All the locks at the Dam of Tears seem to have been shut down and not a drop releasing.

And for the first time… I feel what I had manifested long ago… when I experienced the first round of pain that took me too close to a cliff’s edge that nobody really wants to ever see.

I wanted to think of Alan… and feel nothing.

I needed to feel nothing. I know me. I have fought a part of me for a very long time now.

There is no man or woman on this planet worth ending your life over… just to feel nothing.

Yes. It’s a war inside one’s self. This was the worst war I’ve fought.

Many battles with hope… faith… that loyalty I tried hanging onto for dear life… for only all the right things that have been allowed to exist inside my heart.

My Castle Doors slammed shut. Several times. That Drawbridge lifted and locked tight. That Moat filled to the brim and loaded with a fresh herd of every kind of sea animal that would eat a man or woman without leaving a bit of evidence.

And still… I remained willing to meet halfway… to reopen negotiation… with him.

It’s exhausting. But this morning I can wake up and say… “I truly gave it my best.” At least I know I tried.

But this is not my loss. He gets to own the loss.

And he will never know all that he lost. Little does he realize… I never showed him all of me. I’m not that naïve.

They never see the best of me… until they’ve given me the best of them.

I win. In the end… I get to have Teresa.

Did You Hear That Door Lock?

I just need to say… I am so relieved to have walked through that door to 2020 and left 2019 buried in some cemetery. Bottom line… simply one horrible year for me.

In my Tarot readings I was advised to work on planning during the month of December. Major decisions were made for my life. Lots of shedding. Lots left behind.

But then there were the important things in my life that I got to choose to take with me… into 2020. Goals. Decisions. And with or without me… People.

There are actually… very few people I chose to take with me. But this will be the year when I build new friendships with like-minded people having that same depth of heart and emotions… conscience… kindness… respect… and goals!!

This year is about my heart. Happiness. Goals. There can never be enough said about Goals. Prosperity. Abundance.

Love? I don’t know. In God’s hands. Divine Timing. For now… I am enough. I have to be enough for now. And I’m okay with that.

Did I tell you I’ve got goals? ;)~

My Twin Flame. In God’s hands. But never left behind. And never without my love. I pray for him. I pray for his happiness. I pray for the Universe to bless him with Discernment… Strength… Courage… Wisdom. Everything for him to rebuild himself from the center of standing in his own truth… his own authenticity… his own wishes… his own goals… his own dreams.

I still believe in him. I know he can do it.

Understanding and compromise would be two wonderful goals.

I just refuse to pray from inside some closet. I think that is unrealistic… inhumanely unfair. And I KNOW it’s just… non-negotiable.

Certain other loved ones that I chose to bring with me. And then there are those that… basically… helped me choose to leave them behind. And I’m perfectly okay with that. I know my truth.

This year is about getting back in touch with myself. I was so lost and separated from myself for so long.

This is my year. Finally. It’s my turn.

I stay more to myself now. The time will come when it is safe enough for me to speak about all the hard work I am currently in the middle of completing.

Sadly… there are people in this world that just thrive on bringing other people to failure by their dirty deeds. Out of jealousy. Out of insecurity.

Simply because you are no longer at their disposal for using your talents to improve their lives… at the expense of your own. And of course… when all that happens the rest of the world around you is fed a lot of false bravado… which seems to be preferred over truth and honesty in this ever-increasing mad world.

Pathetic. But hey… those abusers get free will, too. Whatever.

I prefer to stay to myself and focus on the positive issues in my life. I mind my own damn business. I take care of me.

In essence… I’m really not doing anything much more differently than I’ve ever done before. The only difference is… Now I’m doing it for someone that SEES my hard work… APPRECIATES my efforts… REALIZES my value… and GIVES ME THE CORRECT CREDIT THAT I’M EARNING… THAT I DESERVE.

I’m doing it all for myself.

The difference I feel inside of me is something I cannot even measure. Now my heart receives what it always needed before… in order to give me that drive to keep moving forward with accomplishing even greater things in life with so much more pleasure and satisfaction.

The results are now much better. No more half-ass. I’m a lot less stressed and tired. No more having to pick my battles. No more having to fight for half-ass.

I’m able to make a decision. And now I have the freedom to lay out the tasks in such a way that makes it easy for me to get things done.

So simple. Which only shows… it never had to be so damn difficult… nor ridiculous.

All the money in the world… won’t even hold the value of an ounce of human piss… against the value of brains… conscience… integrity… truth… common sense… self-love… self-reliance… and self-respect.

And THAT… was in my little suitcase that I carried with me through that door to 2020… after burying 2019 in a cemetery.

I just hope everyone else in this world finds their way to their own healing… truths… finds their own value… self-worth… and self-respect… whatever you need to make you feel whole and happy… from inside yourself.

Happy New Year!

Forever a Milestone for Me – 2019

Deep lessons I learned this year, which came with great sacrifice and loss. But compensation was taking back my power and finding Teresa.

I can only pray for others that no longer understand me and/or want to be around me… and hope life and the universe bring them around to choosing to heal themselves.

I love them all. But the cycles needed to stop somewhere. Cleansing needed to begin somewhere.

One man wasn’t my only problem. I brought my own issues to the table. And there were others involved.

Adult children in this country need to wake up and look at themselves. I’m not alone when I say this. I’m hearing parents of grown children everywhere saying the very same thing.

It blows my mind. It breaks my heart. For all of us.

None of us is perfect. We never reach any particular age and know it all. Learning never ends for any of us… including parents.

The fork in the road led me to two choices of paths. I took the better road. They don’t know. I was one hair away from checking out. Nobody would ever get to have me ever again… if I couldn’t have myself.

So there. I chose hope.

I learned we all asked for this experience of Life on this planet. We had to get here some way. God made a way. All He expects is for us to be guided until we become adults.

I learned nobody is perfect. Many fail at being guides. There is no manual.

But we all get a second chance. It’s called becoming an adult.

That’s when we have the freedom to choose seeking healing to exude that unique soul inside each one of us… that we bring to this life… and take with us when we leave.

Until every one of us finds that healing… we will never have that reunion. And ‘We’ is every soul on this planet… especially families.

I learned about real love.

I found real love in me.

I learned TRUTH.

I learned how to become free from being mentally conditioned… manipulated… controlled.

I witnessed hope in a 16 year old young lady that set this world on its toes… as she traveled all around the world… lighting fires in hearts that DO CARE… EXPECT TRUTH… DESERVE TRUTH… EXPECT CHANGE… DESERVE CHANGE… for the HIGHEST GOOD OF ALL.

Greta gave me courage. Strength. Hope.

And speaking of…

Strength. Self-Worth. Value. Fair Boundaries. Peace. Tranquility. Balance. Happiness.

Goals I have reached!

I pray this hits home for so many others. If you’re hurting… Seek an Empath. Seek a Spiritual Healer. Seek a Reiki Healer. Google the words. You’ll never regret it.

Learn the TRUTH about Tarot. It saved my life.

Happy New Year, everyone!

2020 is gonna be so awesome!

*** “Serendipity” – Card #18 from Wisdom of The Oracle Deck by Colette Baron-Reid. (Click here) to read the meaning of the card.

My Lines are Never Blurred

Unlike that photo above, for sure! WordPress really needs to work on their transfer of media into their libraries. It goes south.

My lines for my boundaries may extend a little further than some people. Never the less… I do… have strict and specific lines drawn for my boundaries.

Those lines do protect a strong portion of details within a relationship whenever I am involved with a man.

I think I can safely say… any details I have shared out in the open in this blog are… simply… what can be expected… after a man has given plenty of effort into leaving me feeling betrayed… after leaving me behind on what was nothing more than a one-lane road.

Any kind of a relationship comes with its own value. That value is determined by efforts made by two people… both people.

Never would I claim to be perfect. God knows… I am the first to acknowledge that fact. And that’s why I’m so involved in healing myself.

I’m constantly looking forward and heading in the direction for becoming the best human being possible… from the inside out.

Others may feel no need to strive for self-improvement. To that… “God bless ya’!” Must feel so great to be perfect!

I’m working on it. ;)~

Anyone else has free will and choice to be all they wish. Good or Bad. And I have the choice of not allowing any man into my life that chooses being Bad.

I know who I am. I’m a good person. My heart is genuine. My conscience thrives on being legitimate… for only good and best intentions. My Daddy raised me with standards that I have never forgotten… despite his occasional… “Do as I say… not as I do” events in his own life.

Trust me. He’s over on the other side… laughing at me right now! He knows! He knows.

You may manage to find your way inside. I can promise you that will be your greatest challenge in your life… after my hard fight with getting through this divorce.

But that never means you’ll stay. It’s your choice for how you handle your part that determines such.

And when you hurt me… when you betray me… when you choose to do physical damage to me… or… within the perimeters of the relationship that cause it to end. And especially when you choose to behave downright nasty through the exit…

Yeah. You can count on me showing the world who you chose to be in my life.

But as far as any healthy relationship that is thriving between myself and my partner… THAT is when I am more than pleased to confess being selfish with my choice of privacy.

The first reason why I choose to behave in such manner… believe it or not… is out of respect for my partner.

If you can’t figure out when I lose respect for a partner… go back to the first post of this blog and catch up.

Yes. The boundaries are there. And reciprocity keeps all that goodness healthy.

I am a Giver. Granted… this past year has dealt the toughest fight I’ve ever experienced. But this has only overhauled this lady.

Getting into my castle… behind those walls that were only made three times stronger after this divorce… will never be anywhere near as easy as before.

My willingness to give as much in the process of initiating… not so plentiful anymore.

Lately… I find comfort in going back to the good old-fashioned ways of how a Gentleman should take the lead… and how he should honor the gift God gives him… with every breath he takes… if he wishes to receive it all back ten-fold.

The older I become… the more I come to figure out exactly what I do want in my life… what I don’t want in my life… and what I will not allow into my life. Turtles cannot lay the number of eggs to keep up with the growth of my strength… determination… and my will.

All this is definitely connected to my personal choices for all that I hold dearly from within a relationship with a man.

So… my answer is No.

You will never witness this blog exposing everything I may share with a partner. But I can say this. While I may throw their evil deeds out to the universe for cleansing as I go through all this healing… I am diligent about owning my own faults that I can understand would have been a contributor.

If… and when… I miss owning a fault of my own… you can be sure it is only due to the absence of communication needed for making such aware to me.

So… for those of you pulling feathers out of your butts over my last post… you can stop now!