Tag: self-healing

Some Journeys Go Around The Holidays

I’m at a point in my life where my trust in anything and anyone… has been absolutely shattered.

I’m feeling safer by just being alone at this time.

I’m not even capable of responding to messages on the Internet from any guy I don’t even know.  Honestly… he’s better off if I don’t respond.

There is no telling what may be loaded in those darts I throw.

I’m really going through a lot of deep diving in this journey right now.  The process has its days when sorting can be quite overwhelming.  Issues surface from out of left field… totally unexpected.

But you can’t heal until you address the wound.

I have warned people before.  I am raw honest.  This is my journal about my journey.

Over the course of my life I’ve been forced… manipulated… even conned into holding back… in so many ways… for so many shallow-minded… mean… selfish reasons… by many people.

What have I learned from all that so far?  I’m learning how to avoid putting myself in those scenarios.

But for now… this is my turn.  And there’s no holding back from purging anything.

So put on your seatbelt.

Because today I’m talking about… sex.

Serious subject for me.  I don’t take it for granted.  And I have put a halt to me being taken for granted in general.  But even more-so… with sex.

I communicate some really deep emotions through sex.  For me… it is making love.  I’m saying ‘I love you’… in the deepest way possible.

Having your child… was my way of saying how much.

Yeah.  Missed the message.  Didn’t you!

Well.  I tried.

Sex is not part of some daily routine for me… like Pilates… Yoga… Jogging… or some other daily exercise.

Yeah.  I don’t do the Quickie before heading to the grocery store… or the races… or a family dinner… or even before going out dancing.  I might be looked at… or maybe even touched on my arm like a feather enough to make us forget about going to the grocery store.  And the only thing possibly happening after getting dressed and before going out dancing might be a couple shots.

Just sayin’.  Gotta catch us, first!  lol

But.. no.  Sex is not a glimpse in my book.

When you’re having sex with me… you need to understand that I am telling you this is not just some date with me.  I am letting you know that my feelings for you go deeper than just dating.  I’m letting you know that I want to have an exclusive relationship with you.  I’m telling you that I love you.  And I’m letting you know that I want to fall in love with you.

And if that’s too deep for you… feel free to go find a more shallow… pond!

Promises don’t count anymore.  Too many men have broken promises to me.

Noooo.  Actually… the pathetic truth in that statement is… I have not had sex with every man that’s broken a promise to me.

Been a long time since I’ve even been around any man that can be trusted by his word.

My two marriages were quite… dynamic… in their own special way.

My first marriage… I ended up having sex with multiple partners.  The man I was married to… and whatever friend he invited into our bed with us each night.

Jim Beam… Johnnie Walker… Jack Daniels… whatever.  And that crap got old… really quickly.

Believe me… saying ‘I love you’ was… far from anything I had to say to any of them.  Most of the time… it was… “Goodnight.”

Ask him!  Oh wait…. he probably will not remember.  There were nights we did and he still thinks we didn’t.  What else can I say?

My last marriage… I have no idea what to even say.

Okay.  Let’s try this.  I never got a fair chance to start saying, ‘I love you.’ 

Yeah.  Almost 18 years.

Reconstituted Virgin I am!

Shut up.  I AM being nice.  You weren’t there.

I had a post come through my feed somewhere (I hop around like a cricket on my breaks) earlier this week… asking a question.

“If you could go back and do one thing in your life… what would it be?”

My first thought was…

“I’d go ahead and follow through with my plans… that night I changed my mind and decided not to go out to Scruples on the night before Thanksgiving, 1991.”

Back then… everybody that was living out of town always came home for the holidays.

The true love of my life was hit and killed while trying to cross the street to get to his pickup after walking out of Scruples that night… actually, around 12:30am Thanksgiving morning.

Everybody had practically crawled over each other… three years prior… to get to me and tell me he was getting married… two weeks after I came back home from California.  Of course, I knew the truth about why and all.  And she had to live through the truth… which had to be difficult.  He had free choice.  I loved him that much.  And yes.  It hurt.

I ended up having to move out of town.  I could not go out anywhere with friends… without him being there with her.  To be expected.  Small town.  But when I’d walk inside a place… he’d forget she was even there.  He even pinned me in the hallway to the bathrooms one night… while she sat at a table seeing everything.  I couldn’t allow that.

Some of my words… “No, Skippy.  I will not let you do this to her.”

He made the 4-hour drive to come looking for me one weekend.  Found him and one of our friends on the dam.  Drunk… bleeding. Tony’s truck torn up.  They’d hit some elder lady’s car on the dam.  I insisted we keep driving to the house… where I called his brother.  Left a message.  By then… I’d heard about rumors she was going around town spreading… things I was supposed to be doing around town… while I was living over 200 miles away.

I’ve always known.  I’m just that damn good.  Ya’ know?  Right. (smdh)

I wasn’t about to give her anymore fodder.  She’d done well enough on her own.  I knew they were going to jail.  I knew his brother would come bail them out.

What I didn’t know was… he was coming to find me… and tell me the divorce had been filed.  None of his so-called ‘friends’ ever bothered to call and tell me anything then… despite having the toll-free number for my shop.

Remember… this was winter… 1991.  Did we even have cellphones then?

I found out later… the divorce was supposed to be final on Thanksgiving Day.

But I woke up Thanksgiving morning, 1991… made coffee.  Walked outside to take the dog out to go pee and get the newspaper.  Came in.  Poured my cup of coffee.  Sat down with the newspaper.  Opened it to Page 2.

I do not remember much about my life from that morning… Until January 1992.  I do remember nothing making sense.  I remember feeling as if my presence on this planet no longer made any sense.

Jen and I back in California.  Living with my birth parents.  I decided to go to school to become a state certified Animal Health Technician.  They’re strict in California.  You can’t get in with experience, alone.

This was supposed to be the thread that would keep me hanging on.  It didn’t turn out that way.  But that’s a whole different chapter about my survival.

I lived with guilt… for DECADES.  Thinking I could have saved him… if only I had gone ahead and gone out to the club that night.

It was 2007.  I was washing dishes.  Thinking about Skip.  The guilt sent me into tears.  This pain never went away.  Something I just never could quit thinking about.  It happened a lot.  But on this particular day… something different happened.

I heard my Daddy.  “Baby.  It wasn’t your time to go.  You understand?”

After all those years… he showed me the reality I had never even considered.  He decided it was time for me to know the truth… 16 years later.

I would have gone with Skip.  Who would take care of Jennifer?

And then I realized… it was my Daddy that put that sick feeling in my gut that made me change my mind that night.  Overwhelming guilt in my head about leaving Jen with Mara to babysit.  But he did it to save my life.  And he was worried about Jennifer as well.

I don’t know why it took so long.  Maybe it was Skippy’s request.  With all the wisdom and understanding I have now… that would make perfect sense.  And I guess I would deserve it.

Wanting me to hurt as much as he loved me.  So I could finally see… he really did love me.  He really was faithful to me.  He wasn’t screwing around on me… like all the other guys I watched doing to their wives and girlfriends when I drove to Matagorda for the weekend.

I sabotaged that relationship with the love of my life… out of fear.  If all the other guys were cheating… why should I believe he was being a perfect angel for me?

The truth is… he was.  I just did not have any self-confidence to believe I was worth being loved that much… in the very way I always wished and hoped for.  Forget loving myself.  I didn’t even know myself.  I’d never been allowed to know myself freely.  Teresa was already shoved down in her little pinky toe.

But just as I’m writing this post… I’m realizing… my Daddy came to me with the message around the time I… finally confessed to my… new-ex… out loud… the fact that I would not be married to him… if Skip were still on this planet.

The longer I think about that question… I would go even further back in time… for that one thing I would do over again in my life… if I could.

Skip knows exactly what night I’m talking about.  To have all the knowledge I have about life and spiritualism today.  To get the chance to go back to that night.  Everything in my life would take that road God intended.

Skip’s over there with my Daddy now.  He knows everything as well… just like my Daddy.  And he’s very well aware that I’ve never made it any secret to anyone close to me that knew him.

He was the love of my life.  I would have had another dozen kids with that man.  And he tried!  He fought me with the birth control!

You couldn’t put crazy past Skippy Bullard!  That is God’s honest truth!  Anybody still living who knew him will verify!

But today… life is what it is.  And just knowing the truth is enough for both of us.  It has to be.  We can’t go back.

Still… here I am.  But everything changes as I move forward in this journey.  I learn more about who I am… and what I no longer have to put up with.  What I no longer have to fear.  What I no longer have to settle for.  What I have every right to receive for all that I give.  And when I’m pushed… I push back.

I deserve love in all the best ways… for all the right reasons.

I deserve my love to be accepted in all its forms as truth and with complete understanding.

Unfortunately… trust… will be the most difficult challenge for any other man to earn from me and build with me… before making it through these castle walls that protect me.

Now you see why I’m prepared to be alone?

At least I’m honest.

*** Interesting reading about the meaning behind the card I drew after finishing this post.  (Click Here) to get there.

Game Over – Betrayer Loses

This post goes out to a particular person.  And you know who you are.

I went to bed last night, needing medication to help calm me enough so I could sleep… after going in and finding your cold… frozen message.

For quite a while now… I have needed answers.  Nothing was right.  Nothing made sense.  Who was this person leaving these messages?

You are not the man I know.  And that was verified for me this morning (click here).

I now know I’m being protected by Archangel Raguel.  He knew all this needed to make sense for me.  He knew I deserved to know the truths.

Because you make absolutely no sense to me… anymore.  Not as you are.  Not as you choose to be.  You are not your true self.  And you know this.  You struggle to run from yourself.  You hide from your own truth.

Your loss.  Not mine.

Knowing even the worst of circumstances gives me back my power.  I can now move forward… using all my strength in more positive and productive areas of my life.

And I am.

I will not sit in Hell with you.  After this morning… you can choose to exist there.  But you will do so without me.  She will never be me.  And you also know this.

You know who I am.  Remember?  “You are the one.”

Your words.  Not mine.

As I’ve said to you before… “Wish in one hand.  Piss in the other.  See which warms your heart faster.”

You chose to run.  You chose money… over that love your very own soul craved.

Ask yourself.  What does that say about you?

You found that love.  But now you choose to lead with your ego… rather than your heart.  You choose to defy God’s plan.  You choose to lose… everything.

I did my part.  I fought.  I fought for us.  You chose to destroy… with your ego.  I would be wrong to fight any longer.  That would make me the Idiot you have chosen to become.

I know better.  I will always answer to God first… before I ever fall into Hell with you.  You have now put yourself into a position where you will have to crawl out by yourself… without me.

The question is… will you have the courage?

I doubt you.  You’ve given me every reason.

Because I will NEVER come to you… ever again.  I do not acknowledge cowards who choose Hell.  Who choose ego over heart.  Who choose money over a Queen.  Who choose greed over God.

Archangel Raguel intervened.  He knew I deserved a full… completely honest explanation.  He led me to the Light Worker in the link above.  I have never come across her before.  Nothing happens by accident.

She read you like a book.  You make no sense.  But everything she shared in that reading makes perfect sense.

Not only did you refuse to handle what is your responsibility.  You put on one more of many masks to impress those around you.  Cruelty upon the last person that deserved such from you.

And you know this.  That’s the worst part.  Isn’t it?

Now I know why I have been hearing such strange things from so many other readers… all in sync… same messages.  They all talk about your drinking.  God knows there has been too much pain in my life caused by drinking already.

Like I said… I’m being protected.

You are a sad state of affairs… by your own choosing.  You betrayed me.  At the very least… I am disappointed in the person you have chosen to become.

I deserve better.  And I have all the faith in this universe… to believe Raguel and all the other Archangels will bring to me the real man I truly deserve to experience love with.

Meanwhile… I am enough.  I am content in my own love.

Where I lack faith… is in you.  You betrayed my belief in you.  You betrayed my faith in you.  You betrayed my loyalty.  You betrayed my heart.  You betrayed my love for you.  You betrayed my kindness.  You betrayed my gentleness.  You betrayed everything I am.

All because I loved you.

From my two dancing partners, now two of my Angels watching over me.
I love you Skip and Daddy.

Now… I can breathe.

Major Personal Wish Come True

One more wish come true and scratched off my Bucket List!

Thank you… Thank you… THANK YOU… Jeff Rains!  You can find him on Instagram as thejeffrains.

Oh.  You can also find him in Knoxville, Tennessee!

This has been a very personal endeavor of mine… for quite some time now.  It has been placed on my left fore-arm.  I’m left-handed.  It’s there to grab my attention!

I think the timing was perfect for this one.  I put a lot of thought… consideration… and sentiment into the story behind everything it represents for me.  Subjects that are very precious to me.  Secrets… that can only come out now.

The tattoo makes the statement of where I stand in my own truth.

“I am… The Only Author of My Story.”

Quite the play on words.  And they all fit!

One of my major affirmations about by myself.  The power to run my life and make my decisions now rests in my own hands today.  Teresa has reclaimed herself.  Free from anyone with bad intentions.

I am… is the last Being I will ever answer to when it’s all said and done… God.

No more submitting to anyone else’s insistence… and being left hanging in the nasty consequences.

I get to choose all that now goes on in my life.  And I’ve already discovered those choices are turning out results that are pretty damn good… so far… I might add!

Where once this huge thick wall of hurt and pain kept me caged… all the devastation and disappointment caused by others that could send me falling apart crying anytime I had to look at it.  Just to try talking about any of it… would bring this massive tidal wave that I came to despise.

Not anymore.  No more tidal wave.

I was able to tell the story that relates to the tattoo… while Jeff was bringing it to life.  Not one single tear.  No tears from any of the stings as well!

I have wanted to reach this point so desperately… since I was a very… very young child.

The Quill… well.  Some of us know what… some of us… have said about a feather.  Right?!

I’m joking!  It’s my Quill… for the writing of the message.

The Arrow… When I first saw the arrow… what came to me was the impact of this connection that hit me back in January, 2018… from oceans away.  Took a couple months before it hit.  Took a little more time trying to run from it!

Alan didn’t just give me courage in a game.  I took that gift and applied it to my life… to my goal of reclaiming Teresa.

The color of the ribbon… his eyes… the color he described… and the fact that I have never seen them.

There remains a tough subject that carries continued struggle.  You can only cover so much in an hour of therapy.  Right?!  I did get through explaining this part to Jeff without losing it.  Although I didn’t get in very deep with many details.

I have always said… “Nobody really knows me.”

Today… I can say there are three people that probably know me best.  Alan… My Aunt Judy… and my Therapist.  Because I had to keep the peace… by keeping my own thoughts and feelings about my identity… myself… anything about me… to myself.

It was the only way to keep it legit… without lame… shallow… narcissistic excuses coming back at me… trying to water it all down to nothing.

The calligraphy in the tattoo is written in Portuguese… to honor my Paternal Grandmother, Beatrice Tavares.  For the very short time that we were able to share with each other… there came a time when she had promised to teach me to speak Portuguese after I learned to speak Spanish.

The significance of her existence in my life has been another… secret issue.  The truth… there was very little of this birthright… for which I was deprived.

Grandma Bea died in February, 2007… in Clear Lake, California… while I was hospitalized in Maryville, Tennessee with 18 staples in my gut after having an emergency hysterectomy.  I believe she was 91.

It was the Tavares family’s opinion… upon meeting me in 1990… that I looked just like Grandma Bea.

I loved talking with her!  I have spent many years feeling angry about manipulation in deprivation of any developed relationship with her.

What little I do know… so far… is this.  As an adult… I can see the very strong woman she was… by the career she sustained and retired from… working in a ketchup factory in the Bay Area of California… taking care of 3 sons and a daughter… by herself… after a divorce.

She was wise.  She had always planned and saved.  She made sure she would be financially comfortable without any help from her children in her later years.

She enjoyed her own 1-bedroom apartment… and those senior bus trips with all her friends… all around the country!  And when I did get the chance… I sat feeling so mesmerized… listening to her stories!  I just enjoyed listening to her talk.  She was funny!

I’ve never forgotten the short time I got to spend with her.  And I live every day now… with the knowing that all that manipulation will fail.  Because I will get to listen to her stories… all I want… when I cross over to the other side.

And NOBODY will get in the way of that happening.

For now… I’m wearing my very first Portuguese lesson!

I’m happy!

Full Moons and Castles

I opened up my Line account, yesterday.  Had to open a new account.  I named it TeresaMarie.  Same name I had given one of my castles that I left behind when I quit playing Clash of Kings.

The app tried forcing me to go collect some pin number from my ‘other device’ before I could have my original account back.

That would be… two cellphones behind my life.  I’m not even sure I still have the damn thing.

This request… from an android app.  Amazing.  Maybe I should go back to school and learn some tech geek… formalities.  I’d be ahead of the game… with common sense.

We’re about to receive another Full Moon.  Reaches our area at 8:34 am eastern time in the U.S.A. on Tuesday.  This full moon is packed with more than the usual.  Click here to gain a bit of insight.

We had a beautiful day today.  We’ll have rain before I find my pillow tonight.  We’ll have snow when I wake up.  Welcome to East Tennessee.  Ha!

I’ll be staying inside all day while it snows… having fun with more sewing!  I like the fact that I’ve learned to set my boundaries when it comes to discussing all I am doing with my passion.

Which means I’m not sharing much.  ;)~

I’m spending just as much time learning from other sources.  There are so many special techniques that are necessary for all that I have in mind.  I’m one who values the time I put into anything I do.  So it only makes sense that I give it all the very best possible.

This is about… Me… my goal… My individuality.  And this is on my terms.

Does this mean I’m some Control Freak?  I can answer this honestly.

I am the first of all humans uncomfortable in the presence of my flaws that create dysfunction with others.

I haven’t pinpointed the exact moment when that flaw took a serious turn onto a more appropriate path.  But I do know this.  The opportunity was at the top of my list for my journey of reclaiming myself.

Said opportunity came once my divorce was final.  Please take a moment and just… let that sink in.

“Why would she have to wait until….. Ohhhhhhhh!”

Yeah.  I know.  Be glad you weren’t the one having to wait.

Appropriate boundaries.  This is about choices and decisions in my life that belong to me.  My wish for a specific goal pertaining to my passion for sewing is one good example.

When it comes to relationships with my grown children… I am in need of separating myself from their lives at this time… in order to have a fair playing field for working on setting my own appropriate boundaries.  A huge part of reclaiming myself.

Works differently for others… I guess.  I don’t know.  I only know this works for me.

I’m hoping my children will find interest in taking time to examine their own issues.  There is a better chance with me out of the picture.  Of course… we all have free will.  Whether they take that opportunity… or not… is up to them and none of my business.

On the same token… the work I’m putting into my own self… is none of their business.  Their opinions are none of my business… and vice versa.

I’m only responsible for myself today.  And I am taking care of myself.

In simple terms… I have no desire to live the rest of my life as some mangled up friggin’ mess!

As for a love relationship with a partner… do I really need to say?  Okay.  For anyone that has not been around…

I am not ready.

And I have to be honest.  There is only one soul on this planet that would even stand a remote chance in Hell.  He’s nowhere to be found.

And he is neither of my two ex-husbands.  Trust me.

It hurts.  I don’t know what to do with it.  I’m trying.  It is a work in progress.  Covering it in therapy.  This man has affected my heart like no other man ever has.

I could win the damn lottery.  And it would not come anywhere near affecting me as much as this… profoundly deep-thinking… ever-so-guarded man with a damaged heart holding sensitivity more delicate than rice paper.

This is a situation that only spiritualists… Empaths… Light Workers… Healers and such… would completely understand.

I am an Empath.  Click here to read up.

Empaths seem to be delicious bait for Narcissists.  Let me just put that out there.  Click here for some great information on Narcissists.

Here on earth… we can release ourselves from each other… and vice versa.  However… when The Devine has made the plans… He never fails.  He sticks to His plans.

One way… or another… you will end up from Point A to Point B… which only He has decided upon.  And His Divine Timing reigns over your schedule in life, as well.

In other words… whatever you try to fill your life with outside His plans… will be turned on its head.  Nothing else will bear fruit.  If your intuition has not moved you in line with Divine Timing for certain events… look out!  He’ll make it happen.  He will come in and toss your little apple cart upside down right before your eyes.

They call it a ‘Tower Moment.’  I have put myself through numerous attempts to walk away.  I have faced these Tower Moments every time I have attempted to walk away from all feeling and emotions for this man.

I think both of us are very stubborn.  I think it’s because we are so protective over our hearts.  Because we’ve been hurt so many times.  So deeply.

This New Moon and Mercury Retrograde passing through right now… has put me through Hell.  The readings.  I had to stop going to YouTube for any readings for Libra and Gemini.

Mystic Witch Tarot… I truly trust her.  She helps me with my personal journey… as an individual.

Opal Oracle… Raaji!  She is so awesome.  She gets down to that Mother Earth Understanding and alignment with the Universe.  And you really need some deep intellect to keep up with her.

Gemma at Gemstone Tarot… Daily Collective.  The Collective refers to everyone in general.  I can handle this right now.  Gemma offers the astrological common sense core feel for us all.  And she’s funny as all get-out!

Lucy at The Channel of Love… focuses on the twists and turns between Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine Twin Flames.  She goes through her readings in Story-form.  Her perspective has helped cool my jets… so many times.

All the others had me twisting like a pretzel… until I went into my own cards.  You must be very careful when you begin plugging in to all those readings.  And recently… legitimate Readers have busted some plagiarism.  On most occasions… I will refuse to listen to any reader that already has cards laid out in placement.

I lean on God and The Universe.  And before any church-goers begin coming at me like alligators… I’ll make a deal with you.  You stay in your lane.  I’ll stay in mine.  And we’ll be just fine.

This is my blog.  It is a tool that helps me in my healing.  I get to share what I choose.  Your opinion is none of my business.  And I respectfully request that you keep your opinions in your own pockets.

I have found an even closer relationship with God… since going into Tarot.  And I have seen the difference with an even deeper gift of Discernment.  I am blessed much more by free will choices… rather than all the mental and emotional conditioning that has been bleeding all over this planet.

Just follow the money.  “The things they say… just to fill up that damn offering plate!”

I lean on God.  I lean on The Archangels.  I lean on The Universe.  I believe in them all… for protecting me and guiding me.

I will stand beside them… before standing beside you… no matter who you may be.

‘Nuff said.  Back to the topic.

I know which path I am supposed to take.  I am fine with this.  I can wait on Divine Timing.

I have plenty to keep me busy preparing.  And I am moving forward.

Still…

I feel him.  He comes to me.  That Mental Telepathy.  He knows.  He’s always known.  And he knows how to use it.

The tables are turned now.  That damn game.  He knew how to contact me outside Clash of Kings.  I gave him everything.

Some people are probably thinking right now… “If he wanted to contact you… he would.”

Well… Yeah.  You think I don’t know that?  I know this better than you.  Because he’s done so in the past.

But I also understand Divine Timing.  I understand there being reasons for separation.  I understand the concept of both of us being on our own journey.  Both of us being guided through lessons and healing… before God decides the time is right.

Imagination?  No.  You have to feel what’s going on inside you without any self-inflicted provocation.  That’s called The Knowing.  Unexplainable feelings and emotions that overwhelm you.  You can be in the middle of doing anything… cleaning house… working on a car when it just comes out of left field.

It’s him.  That’s when the telepathy kicks in.  That’s when I can feel him.  At times… I have to stop whatever I’m doing.  The feeling becomes so strong.

And yes.  I answer.  With love.

I miss him.

I miss those conversations when we were both present… at the same time.  Seeing those words typed… back and forth between each other.

I miss the fun we had.  Turning typed words into food fights… and water hose fights… and cooking in the kitchen.

He described so well… the two of us sitting on a blanket… out in the sunshine… eating frozen yogurt.  I could see us.

We shared time talking about other things.  I choose to keep those between us… for him.

Okay… I still say I could cook a steak better than him.

Just to be clear… nothing in the gutter existed.  We have some really nasty… vulgar pigs on the internet.  But this man….

This man is way above that.

I loved talking with him.  Because he helped me see so many things from a different perspective.  It made me want to learn more from his perspective.

I loved talking with him.  Because he showed me I was worth being trusted to know some of his troubles.  I’m forever left feeling so honored that he felt that safe and comfortable with me.

I loved talking with him.  Because he helped me see the difference between a caring man… and a twisted narcissist.

I loved talking with him.  Because he helped me believe I can do anything.

I loved playing Clash of Kings with him.  Because he was the one that helped me find my own strength and power.  So many values in life are what this man shared with me… reassured me that a man can be capable of maintaining self-respect… dignity… honor.

He showed me so much of himself in that damn game.

I learned about loyalty through the game… from him.  Because he showed me at the expense of his own loss of power.  He honored me with a deep secret about his true authentic self.

He was gentle with my concerns… my wishes.  He would wait until I slept… before going off around the kingdom to do his attacking of other castles to regain his power.  Never in front of me.  Never while I was awake… sans the Conquest.

Yeah.  I knew!  But I wasn’t about to spoil all that fruit!

Always protective over me… in a game.  And through a game… this man showed me the best of his heart and soul.  Because of everything I learned… I know there are things about his life he has kept from me… to protect me and keep from hurting me.

Because that’s who he is.

I miss talking with him… because I had to learn that he was too damaged and caged up with fear… from being so undeservedly hurt.

I miss talking with him… because I was in such a blind rush with wanting to show him deserved love that he was in no shape to handle.

He hides in a castle… just like me.  A safe place from any further hurt and pain.

His castle… much larger than mine.

His Drawbridge… much stronger with an even stronger lock than mine.

His moat… He knows I can’t swim.

And I refuse to drown… knowing everything I’d be taking with me.

My intention for this Full Moon… the day he comes to my castle and yells for me.

Like me… he cannot swim.  Yes, that would be one of the good misfortunes we have in common.  LOL

But I would know it is him.  And I would drop whatever I may be in the middle of handling… and set down that drawbridge before my second breath.

From Now On… I Receive. And Then I Give.

For the majority of my life… until recently, anyway… I was one of those people that would take a boat load of crap before I’d get my gut full enough to be done.  Slam doors and lock them shut.

It’s been quite an experience for me.  But people that have known me… know one important thing about me.

When Teresa is done… She’s DONE.

But now… my gut gets full much sooner.  Those doors slam shut and get locked within the blink of an eye.

My intuition is so… On Guard.

I know my scales of balance may have shifted from one extreme to the other since this divorce.  I’ve spent enough time on all those could haves… should haves… why didn’t I see all this back then… and all that other hindsight.

I don’t do married men.  And I don’t share.

He KNEW this.  That fact was made clear before we ever had our second conversation.  Well before I moved to Tennessee.

And still… He lied to me from the very beginning.  Nobody should find out from a man’s 16-year-old daughter that his divorce is not final.

That burning question in my mind.  Why didn’t I go ahead and pack 2 suitcases… leave all our belongings there… and fly Jen and me back to California.

All the way back in October, 2001.  That may haunt me for the rest of my life.

But that was who I was.  Fair.  Willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Trusting he was in it for all the right reasons… like me.

My perception and my willingness to keep forgiving and moving forward.  All the realization bubbling to the surface has really tilted to the far opposite side of the spectrum.  Now… I will never forgive anyone doing me wrong… until they earn it.  And I will bolt… as soon as I see any of it.

There was a time when I really enjoyed playing an online game… Clash of Kings.  I began playing in the beginning… back when it really was fun.  The goal of getting up to Castle level 30 and the fun of designing strategy for winning Battle of The Throne.  You could… actually… design strategies.

Watching The Prince in 007 take The Throne.  Foxxy!!  Oh, my God… was she nuts!  Leonidas… he was the one that took me into my first Alliance.  And then there was Alan!  Macho Blue Collar Worker (my favorite kind!) from Ohio.  Adored him!!  My Warrior!  My Knight!!  “Sic ‘em!”  LOL

And then they jacked up the whole game with this crap called Kingdom versus Kingdom.  And it all went to Hell from there.  It became even worse… with the onset of Kingdom Transfers.

Now it’s all about spending money if you want to win.  I’m talking hundreds and thousands of dollars that go into castles.

It’s become really stupid.

Really great players have left the game.

I ended up having to quit playing the game in 2012… once we began raising cattle.  Funny thing about that.  Dwayne has NEVER had to quit playing that game.

Let THAT soak in.  Don’t be like me! LOL

I began to miss playing the game.  Went back in… November, 2017.  Things were different.  Some of the old players were still there.  But many had left the game.

I went snooping around the kingdom… looking for familiar castles.  Alan had gone into 007 with the Prince before I left the game.  He had more than one castle by then.

So… when I came across a castle that had Alan75 on it… I fished a message.

Two days later… a response comes… in Italian.

I never should have gone back to playing the game.  Another one of those pockets of time spent going through those could haves… should haves… would haves… if only… and all that crap.

Soured again.

I just don’t put up with being taken for granted… lied to… deceived… or abused… anymore.  Period.  I don’t deserve it.  I know who I am.

I reached that hairline moment… about a week or so ago.  Teresa was done.

I quit playing Clash of Kings.  I found myself struggling to stay there only for loyalty to the kingdom and the Alliance I was in.  And the struggle was rough enough that it only took one person barking about something that was so friggin’ petty.

But… whatever.  She wasn’t the reason why I left the game.

One heartbreaking truth I am struggling with right now is… I feel like I’m being pushed into no longer being ‘The Giver’.  I’ve been soured by being hurt too much.

Right now… it’s like… filling sinkholes with solid concrete.  That’s what I do to my heart… every time I get hurt.

And since God already knows… I hate the way it feels.

God never put anyone on this planet with a pure and kind heart… having intentions of ANY of us becoming dark… nasty… mean… vile… malicious Liars… and Players.

Take the Pun.  They both fit that scenario.

I mean… I am becoming older and wiser.  But that is far from the reason behind a gift being kept from the world.  The fact is… I’m learning not to be a Giver.

And it hurts.  I should not have to do such a thing.

But it is what it is.

I’m having to turn the tables on this world.

I’m no Willy Wonka.  And I have no Chocolate for Takers who take… take… take… and give nothing in return.

From now on… I receive.  And then I’ll give.

I’m always preaching about kindness.  Maybe it’s because I’ve had more than my share of too many Takers.

If you’ve made it this far with reading this post… and you haven’t gotten right with somebody about a wrong you’ve done to them…

If you have not already… You WILL lose them.  It’s only a matter of time.

And they get to choose when.  You might think they’ll always be there.  But they won’t.

Sooner or later… they always get their gut full.  And if you fear that… you better wake up and bring yourself correct.  Seek the help.  Ask the questions.

When I think about the whole situation for me…  I guess I should consider all the lessons I would have missed out on learning… had it not been for the unconscionable cowards that only bring red flags to the table.

Thank them?  Feel grateful toward them?

Hell no.  I feel sorry for them.

I’m thanking God and the Universe.  I’m grateful to Spirit… all my angels… Spirit Guides and Light Workers.

THEY are here.  THEY are guiding me out of this hurt and pain.

At the very least… I KNOW I can trust them… and count on them.

Just a reminder… this Blog is a huge part of my healing in my journey to reclaim myself and find all I need for standing in my own truth.  I have the right to live my truth… and not have it affected by anyone else.

More Progress and Transformation coming.  I’m working on it.

Ready For The Weekend

I always draw my cards after I write my post.  It’s this little thing between God… all the Angels… my Spirit Guides… and my family that has crossed over to the other side.  I wish somebody else had been here to witness this!  It happens every time!

Today has been one of those ‘new type’ of days I have welcomed into my life.  Going into my own world… alone… and feeling nothing but peace and hope… confidence.

I’ve been very busy… making room inside the house.  Selling off a few things… giving away other things.  All in preparation for setting up this house more efficiently and according to scale… for reaching my goals.

I’d love to start painting this place!  And the carpet.  Ick!  I despise carpet.  But that too… must wait.  Unfortunately… I experienced a very hard lesson after jumping that gun back in 2006.  I’m feeding my strength to hang in there until the ink dries at closing on the purchase.

During this waiting game… it feels like a cleansing is happening in my world.  New furniture.  Revamping some storage shelving for more appropriate utilization in my sewing room.

Making room for my birthday gift to myself… an indoor exercising bike that works on strength and cardio.  And a new sofa.

All of this fits into the Big Picture of my new life.  I get to choose my own style of sofa.  I’ve been able to purchase the exercising equipment that TERESA knew she needed for her goal… rather than settling for less in the fight for half-ass that Dwayne always insisted upon.

I don’t know why I specify Dwayne in the matter.  Maybe because he’s the one that happened to be involved in the scenario?  Could have been any other partner with the same mentality.  But then again… Now I’d be packing their bags for them… much earlier before reaching any such point.

So I guess I should thank him for that lesson.

But my life is about me now.  For a change.  For the first time in my life.

I’m not hurting anybody.  I’m not coming up pregnant.  I’m not going to jail.

I’m paying my bills.  I’m taking care of priorities.  I’m mapping out my goals.

I’m giving back to the universe.  And I’m letting go of all that no longer serves my highest good… and the highest good of all.

Even inside my heart.

I feel there’s no reason to waste my time anymore.  I’m seeing no reason to hold off cleaning house inside my heart and making room for the love I deserve.

Crickets are for fishing.  Not for keeping a loving heart company.

I think I’ll take off in the early morning and go visit the Bears at Cades Cove!!  Take the backroad to Pigeon Forge… enjoying all the river scenery.  Spoil myself with lunch at The Old Mill.  Who knows?  I just may go crazy at The Old Mill Candy Kitchen!

Hey… I might run into that Blonde-headed Blue-eyed Park Ranger again… too!  And this time… I won’t forget to take his picture.  Swap names?  LOL  ;)~

Anything is possible.

“Jus’ sayin’!”

Just jokin’!  Most likely… he’s already got a better half!

Gosh, I love living in East Tennessee!

Dirty Laundry

It’s raining this morning.  I can barely hear it hitting the house.  And the goosebumps are driving me nuts!!

Oh, my gosh… I will NEVER live in another house with a tin roof!  I have fallen back in love with composition shingle roofs.

Even Carlie notices.  She didn’t quite know what to think when I opened the front door to let her outside.  Been a while since we’ve had any rain here.

Thank God… no more need to dish out the yogurt to her… laced with CBD drops!

Rough weekend for me.  I’m grateful for its passing.

Emotions everywhere.  Crossroads.  Do I let go?  Do I not?  Sobbing… soaking my T-shirts.  Anger… frustration… hurt… pain… fear.  The Full Monte.

But when the end of Sunday approached…

I watched WaterBaby Tarot’s Libra reading for Oct. 12th – 21st… before my routine of writing down things I’m grateful for… just before I go to bed.

BEST way this weekend could ever have closed out!

Thank you so much, Lady!

The reading reminded me of something I figured out such a long time ago.

Many people ridicule my raw openness and honesty.  “Such an idiot… throwing all your dirty laundry out there to the world!”

Yeah, right.  Truth is… you only THINK that’s ALL my dirty laundry!  ROTFLMAO!

Uh-huh.  You know what they say about people in glass houses… right?!?

Anyway… she reminded me of how I came to my conclusion behind my choice of being so open and honest.  Not only with myself… but also with the world.

The secret… Okay.  Alright.  So there can’t be a secret in this.  Anyway… The bright light bulb (is that better?) sits behind my personal relationship with God.  This is a strong subject in my life.

And the Queen of Swords comes out to defend on this one… very solidly.  I live to protect my relationship with God.

God knows me better than anyone else on this planet.  And at the end of the day… He will be the one I answer to when I leave this life on this planet.

Nobody else.

He already knows the path I’m headed down.  He’s already decided when my time will come for the end of my journey.

He already knows what’s inside my head and heart… before anything comes out of my mouth.

He knows all my feelings.  (Think twice, now… there is a difference from the sentence above.)

He knows I’m not perfect… I’m human.  And THAT makes me perfect in His eyes.  He knows I have faults.  He knows I make mistakes.

He knows my struggles inside my mind and heart.

Since God already knows all this… who cares about everybody else in this world throwing stink bombs… caused by their own choices of not diving deep to see all the convoluted conditioning shoved into minds for money?

The fact that they haven’t taken the time to figure it all out… that’s their problem.  Not mine.

Again… follow the money.  Those damn money mongers.

So… why hide anything?

You can’t hide from God, Silly!

Why fight and deny all the struggle on the inside?

It takes more energy keeping all that crap caged up in a heart and mind.  My cartoon imagination gives me this view of God… sitting in a lawn chair… watching someone tangle with all this crap inside.  Trying to fight it all… run from it… hide… deny… fear.

And God just sits there… watching.  One leg crossed over the other.  Foot bouncing up and down.  Shaking his head gently… side to side.  Grinning.

When those truths and feelings are all about positivity that can bring happiness… no barking negativity from anyone else on this planet matters… when you have The Number One King on your side.

Learning this… practicing this… brings so much light into my world.

Yes.  Crap will always come around.  This is not about building some cannon to rid the world of evil.  It’s about finding the truth you can depend on… for where that safe place exists… where you are more than welcomed to become your own true self.

I remember growing up…  LOL… have you ever been around somebody that looked you in the eye and said… “You’re not God!”

Ha!  Guess what… That would be me.

And… if anybody is choosing to remain snarling at me for… ‘throwing my dirty laundry out there’… why are you so afraid to learn something from my experiences that just may free up your own world?

I do this out of kindness and love.

What’s wrong with giving kindness and love?

Who’s really the confused soul here?

Just sayin’.

My world is free.  God knows when I love someone.  God knows when I’m feeling hurt… angry… frustrated… confused.  There’s no reason for me to hide anything.

Confusion… is my worst challenge.  I’m a Libra.  Balance.  Truth.  Honesty.  I live with the goal and wish to do only the right things in life… according to what God intends for my journey.

My goals… come easy.  My wishes… can be a challenge.  And for me… God knows I will go to fellow Light Workers and my own cards to find His messages for me.

I will dig deep… deeper… as deep as need be… until He gives me that feeling in my gut and the peace in my whole being.

He knows me.  He knows I strive to do and be the best of all good… for my highest good… and the highest good of all.

I have no qualms about loving someone.  When that person is a good soul… worthy of love… why not?

My purpose in life includes sharing in this blog.  Somewhere out there… a soul on this planet needs the support and encouragement.  They’re seeking the same truth.

This world is upheaving all the evil that’s been brewing underground… this very moment.  God is taking the reins!  He’s getting the last word!  And it’s going to be nothing less than good!

God bless Greta Thunberg!

There is hope.  This is kindness.

We all need a hand-up with understanding… and acknowledging… the reality of all that’s going on in this world right now.

How about offering some reciprocity… by spreading some kindness of your own!

 

Rising from Ashes

Being granted in my divorce… the right to use my birth name.

This was a tick on a box for the Judge.  For me… it was like this huge… thick wooden castle door that had been secured with one of those heavy… rusted… box locks that only one skeleton key could open.

That Judge had the key that opened that old lock.  He did that… for me.

This was the gift of having my identity returned to me.

When I mention the word ‘Identity’… I’m not speaking only about a name.

I spent my childhood growing up looking in mirrors… trying to figure out who I was.

I didn’t look like anyone in the family.  They all got sunburns.  I got suntans.  They all had freckles.  I didn’t.  So… who did I look like?

And through those years… I dealt with frequent blows of emotional abuse that really destroyed me from the inside.

The worst part about that is this.

Each and every day I stood in front of that mirror… getting ready for the day… I gave time to trying to figure out who I looked like… and who… I… was.

And every moment of mental and emotional abuse that came along… ended up being embedded into that vision… that was being drawn in that mirror… every single day.

I wasn’t even allowed to use my name.  I’d never seen my birth father.  I was 9-years-old when I first found out about him.

My Dad insisted on being the one to give me the story… even though he’d never even met the guy.

And God help me… if I dared to just whisper a question… to even that 14-year-old girl that gave birth to me.

Nobody… in my corner.

Once again… one more reason why she never should have been allowed to bring me home from the hospital.

She was just a kid.  She had no sense about her.  She had no clue about standing up for a child… defending a child.

She ended up out in the world… having to defend her own self… as a child.  And nobody ever bothered to instill any good… positive values into her psyche.

The Domino Effect was real.  And in my case… completely destructive.

I’ve worked so hard… over the past 5 years… trying to go find Teresa… and reclaim her.  And stop the cycle.

Years of damage can’t be fixed in a couple years.  Open wounds show up for others… as well as myself.

I can only say this.  I’m aware that it’s my responsibility to heal myself.  Anyone else has free will to choose… whether or not… they want to heal themselves.

It all comes down to how much you truly care about yourself.  How much self-respect means to you.  How badly you want the pain to go away.

And sometimes… the work load required for achieving that… requires total separation from all things that awaken all the pain.  A human can only handle so much.

I’m being a mother to myself.  Because I never had one.

And on a side note… THIS is something all you so-called Pro-Lifers need to consider.

Because you’re really no Pro-Lifer.

You disappear after the births.

As I just said… NOBODY in my corner.

I had my aunt and uncle as an infant… until my Dad came along when I was only 16-months-old.  Why?  Because of the laws… of course.  They couldn’t be there as much as they wanted.  But they were there for me as much as they could be.

And they were just a young newly married couple, themselves.

So get off your Unicorns and get real.  Either get all the way in.  Or… get out!!

Because I’m living proof of the leftovers from the devastation.

Chew on that… while I get back on topic.

I’m protecting and defending my Identity… giving it a safe place to heal… and finally… gain a chance to develop… grow… mature.

In a world obsessed with labels… I choose my surname for that umbrella I’m standing under.

What am I?

I’m becoming.

And I now have that shell needed for encasing all that I am.

Teresa Marie Tavares.

 

Conversations

My readings are telling me this next few days will be about looking back over my life.  Things coming up to the top.  Revelations.

Mind blowing.  Humiliating realizations.

Everything shows how it’s all connected to the here and now.

Things I’m trying to heal.

Searching for all the answers to, “What the hell is this about?”

I’ve always understood that communication was necessary.  Especially in relationships.

I’ve realized I spent so much of my life under somebody else’s thumb without knowing how to stand up for myself… even communication became an issue.

Wow.  It goes back to being told as a child, “Children are to be seen and not heard.”

I was never allowed to speak unless spoken to.  Well… beyond knowing when it was okay to ask if I could do something.

I was never worth a conversation.  Just answer the questions.

Just the facts.

Oh, my gosh… jump to age 20 years.

Ray Bell.  THIS is why I was always falling asleep when we spent hours having conversations!!

I was in such a good place!  I was so relaxed!  Finally… someone that could relate to things that wandered around inside my head all my life!

We… actually had conversations.  And… you participated.  You injected.  You could lead.  It was equal participation.

And they were deep… intellectual… awesome conversations.

Yeah… we won’t talk about the ones… you had… when you were drunk and loaded.  *snicker*

I’m not lying!  It is what it is!  It happened!

Don’t feel bad.  They were all funny!

And then… jump to 21 years later… when the story of my recent divorce began.

I was married to a man for almost 18 years… together for a year before marriage.

And looking back… we never had one single conversation… unless it was about something happening at that hangar that pissed you off.

Anything else was like… a business meeting.  Discussion of plans… progress… snags… resolution.

Resolution.  HA!  There was only one… always.  That look on your face.  My next thought… “Yeah, here we go again.  He’s gonna pull a Dwayne.”

The rest of it was the fight to get something done half-ass.  Because everything was done so half-ass.  And to accomplish anything meant going through a fight.

Not just the photos of all the projects that were never finished, either.  It was everything.  Everything about that marriage.  If it didn’t require a power tool… it was up to me to get it accomplished.

Or… not even waste my time.

I had to pick my battles.

And I own half of it all… because I put up with the crap.

But all that isn’t what even matters to me.  Not anymore… anyway.

What matters to me is… the overall reality of the fact that we never had one single… deep… intellectual… personal conversation between us.

Your idea of participation was… answering questions… as little as possible.

Just the facts.

Whatever came to fruition… came from Dwayne’s head… to half-ass.

It was his way… or… do it yourself.  And that applied to… everything.

Another phase in my life of… just the facts.

Yeah.

This is not Teresa.  That never was Teresa.

And Teresa will not live through that kind of abandonment anymore.

THIS is me now… standing in my truth.

I love having conversations… between two people… both participating.

Deep… intellectual… serious… fun… imaginary… hilarious… heartfelt… loving… kind… genuine… sincere… conversations.

All the beautiful words that describe beautiful conversations between two people in a relationship.

The idea of a man reaching out to me… to fill me in on his thoughts or ideas.

I like this!

Being interested in what goes on inside my head.  (Oh, boy… that could be a jump off a cliff.)

Being curious enough to seek my opinion about things.

Choosing a topic and venturing toward each other’s insights… to see if we meet in the middle on common ground with a same conclusion.

Refusing to settle for less than compromise comfortable for each other.

About anything.  About everything.

When the conversations become something enjoyed by both of us.

Something that becomes important to both of us… enough that we look forward to having more of them.

Important enough that we come to crave them.

Important enough that it feels like we’re taking turns… stopping the world and stealing time for one of those conversations.

When clocks and oceans aren’t even allowed to get in the way.

Communication is a good thing.

My favorite kind of Conversations are like… a really good home-cooked meal.

And the best of them come from… Reciprocity.

Look the word up in the Dictionary.

You’ll even find kindness and love… there.

One of Those Aha Moments

These days I spend a lot of time driving from county to county.  I’ve found there’s a lot to take care of on the tail end… now that this divorce is final.

The days always feel so different for me.  Strange.

Just when I begin to feel the ground under my feet… a thought… just one single thought can leave me feeling the ground under my butt.

And the wind knocked out of me… until the tears show up.

I am so happy to be divorced… finally.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not that.  I don’t even feel anger towards Dwayne.

I think I began working on moving beyond anger by the time I could say out loud, “I want a divorce.”

By the time we finished with Mediation… I let go of the anger and hatred before I walked out of the attorney’s office.

They say you still have feelings for someone you’ve loved… if you feel anything.

It’s not over until you feel… nothing.

I can’t say I’ve made it there… yet.

I still roll my eyes.

I don’t even want THAT to happen when his name is mentioned.

And don’t get me wrong.  I WILL get there.  Mark my word.

I will get there.

But… that’s only one layer.  All the driving gives me time to think.  It’s like things are purging from deep inside.

And these are things that… I think I finally get it.

I’m feeling waves and waves of… damage… swelling up and hitting me… one after another.  Like a perfect storm.

This has become very disturbing to me.  I keep asking myself, “Where is all of this coming from?”

But one thing I feel so… absolutely… sure about… is this.

I know me… and my heart… well enough to know… this is junk that I can’t even consider taking into another relationship.

I’m so blown away to feel how much more keeps coming up from pits in my heart and mind that were so tightly hidden.

Maybe other people can.  I don’t know.  I only know I don’t have the stomach for going there.

I think I… finally get it.

I said I could love someone without them.  I said I could protect that love from even them.

This love… means too much to me.  It’s so important to me.  It’s a love that came out of nowhere.  It was totally unexpected.  This love even frightened me enough that I tried running away.  It’s a love that I have never felt before… in my whole entire life.

Today I learned… I need to protect that love… from me.

Today I learned… I can love… but not be ready.

It’s my responsibility to protect this love.  Because I know all that it deserves.

To poison this love… I would deserve to burn.

I need time to heal.

I can unravel hate… all the way down to… nothing.

But this love… cannot be unsewn.

More importantly… this is not required.

And I can… still… not be ready.

But I can heal… make myself ready… while protecting this love.

And THIS… gives me peace.

( The Wisdom of The Oracle card #33 came up… in reverse… meaning I should adhere to the Protection Message.  You can read it by clicking here. )