Tag: Self-Love

When All You Can Do Is… Be You.

I couldn’t seem to get out of my kitchen Wednesday afternoon.

And in my life today… it usually means I’ve reached the end of my rope over something.

In this case… it’s very true.

But I don’t care to waste my time talking about it.

I’d rather talk about what did get all my attention.

My big pot of chicken soup made on Monday reminded me of when the girl that gave birth to me would make Tacos for 14 people in the house… with 1 pound of ground beef.

And yes… this is one example for why I became enamored with cooking at a very early age.

No.  Thank God… we had Home Economics classes in school… from the time I was in 8th grade.

Anyway…

There was no more chicken in the freezer.  Perfect excuse for a trip to Costco.

That turned into a detoured trip beginning at Target… followed by going south to Ingles just to get 2 jars of Dark Wildflower Honey (for Carlie’s grass allergy)… before heading back up Kingston Pike to Costco.

Fortunately… I was able to get gas there afterward.

I was able to get another FoodSaver.  The other one went to Missouri.

So Wednesday afternoon… tripled the amount of chicken and added it to the soup before loading it into storage containers to freeze into blocks… which I will transfer into FoodSaver bags after freezing.

And then I grabbed that huge bag of baby spinach.

Felt like I was back in my element… blanching and bagging.  That loud moan of the motor on the FoodSaver before it kicks in the heating sealer.

Two Cantaloupes.  Cut up one into slices and stored in a gallon size Ziploc bag for the fridge.  Cut the other into chunks and set out on a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper to freeze… before putting the FoodSaver to work again.

Unloaded the dishwasher and reloaded halfway.  Handwashing 2 big pots.

Making room before setting up Oatmeal and Chocolate Chip Cookie dough.

About two thirds went into freezer containers.  The rest in the fridge… for baking on Friday.

First time I’ve run that dishwasher twice in one day.

Housework.  Laundry.

Happy with all that I accomplished on the Homefront.

Not happy with the root of the problem that stimulated the non-stop multi-tasking without a break.

This business with staying at home because of the Covid-19 has nothing to do with it.

Living out in the country gives one plenty of time to acclimate in this type of atmosphere.

I decided to act on a decision.

As Lauren Alaina sings it…

“I’m not okay but I’m gonna be alright…”

I went to Instagram early this morning… thinking I was the only one feeling this way.

I found out I am in way too much good company.

But at least I can feel really good about… being a good woman.

God knows… I’m a good… honest… strong… wise woman.

And He’s on my side.

That’s all that matters to me right now.

Knowledge and experience sit with me… holding my hand.

Telling me… “You know healing takes time.  You got this.  And you can even take care of your life while in the process.”

 

The Other Half

The majority of all my healing has relied on letting go of everything that sapped my energy.

That included so many things in my life that haunted me from my childhood.

And it begins from there… like a domino effect.

I’ve reached a point where I give The Divine and The Universe gratitude and the credit for helping me get through it all.

Because it’s made me who I am becoming today.

That said… there is a portion of me that has healed and become amplified through the process.

All the good in me.  My conscience.  My heart.  My perspective that I am praying will always exist as a positive quality… forever-changing toward an even better good.

Several other areas as well.  I am… always… a work in progress.

Giving in to loving someone has sent me into lands that become the most difficult.

And right now… I’m struggling with the fact that being alone is beginning to feel… too comfortable.

Two men in my life have shaken me to my core.

I divorced one.  But in reality… he’d let me leave the marriage in my mind… a decade beforehand.

I’m contemplating giving up on another.

This is showing me how much I’m healing.  Growing.

Becoming aware and ready to take action.  So much sooner now.  In any kind of relationship… with anyone.

No more waiting… until I’m completely empty.

And especially… in a love relationship.

It takes two people to build a love relationship.

Crickets are for fishing.

I have learned there is only one thing I can do when the other person becomes a Mute.

Leave.

I am a team player in a love relationship.  When there is no equal injection… why be there?

I’m not the maid.  I’m not the sex toy.  I’m not the tax deduction.

I’m not the accountant.  I’m not the cook.  I’m not the errand girl.

I’m not the pet sitter.  I’m not some teddy bear that sits on a shelf.

And I’m not the one for a Mute.

I am the other half… of what makes… or breaks… happiness and joy… and everything that feels good about moving forward in this life together.

I am the other half that loads that dishwasher… or hand-washes the dishes… with you.

I am the other half that races to see who can get through all the housecleaning… with you.

I am the other half that throws handfuls of mud at you when I’m working in the yard… the vegetable garden… the orchard… or the farm… with you.

I am the other half that loads those beaters with whipped cream in the kitchen… while you’re cutting up the strawberries… and pulls that mixer out of the bowl before turning it on high… right at you!

I am the other half that runs her fingers through your hair… while she’s listening to you talk about… all those hurts from your childhood that still linger.

I am the other half that stands beside you… defends you against anyone trying to take advantage of you.

I am the other half that fights with you… for us… when the challenges in differences arrive.

I’m not an option.

I’m the other half… of a whole… with you.

When you forget who I am… and what I am not… why should I be there?

When you treat me like I’m not there… why should I be there?

 

** Artwork by Anne Stokes

Cutting The Cord

“Who is this man he is angry with?”

He is angry with himself.  As he should be.

Why is he angry with himself?

That is for him to openly admit… to himself… and to all of us… whenever he decides.

No longer any of my concern.

I have cried him out.

I’m left with no other choice.

I move on to finish the rest of this lifetime without him.

Please let it go quickly.

For we are all cowards… one way or another.

 

**Artist – Anne Stokes

Taking My Sword To The Fog

A situation has risen its ugly head in my life once again.  And right now… I am existing in this very unfamiliar… fog.

That’s how I have been best able to describe what I see inside me.  See how I feel inside.

I’m not one to sit and let it fester.  I know I have the strength to find the core of the issue… before I heal it.

But this… has traveled through a massive amount of scar tissue from hurt and pain experienced throughout my entire life… all the way down to clean flesh.

After all the hard work I have survived and accomplished.  After all the exploration to find the cores to all the hurts.  After all the nursing to heal all that infected pain.

After all the time taken to use the right tools to correct and heal my heart… mind… and soul.

Just when I was… finally… becoming able to accept a reality of hidden truths about someone I never really knew at all.

Here comes… yet… another attempt to show me who they really are.

As if I haven’t seen more than enough… already.

But remember… I said this blow has me in an unfamiliar fog.

I’m still standing.

I’ve always known how to prepare for tornadoes… since my childhood.  Now I really know why.

Because THIS TIME… just like knowing when to send the family to the bathtub to get under the bed mattress… or… head down to the basement of the house…

I sent everything I have learned… and all the truth and wisdom about myself I have gained… to a safe room in my mind… for protection.

Therefore… all is well in my life… while the rest of me walks toward the fight… to battle the core of this unexpected issue.

I will overcome.  I am protected.  I have God on my side.  I have all the Angels right beside me.

And I have a whole family of Casteels… Bullards… and only God knows who else over there now on the other side… that will make damn sure… I will be perfectly okay.

My Daddy had a lot of friends.   And they always watched over me when they were among us.

They’ve done it before.  They’ll do it again.

But this time… they just may override my sense of fairness.  And there is nothing I can do about that from over here.

I am the wrong person to bestow selfish… undeserved cruelty upon.

I am everything good… through my mind… my heart… and my soul.

I can be your best friend.  Or, your worst enemy.  You get to choose.

And when you choose either… I get to choose how to respond.

But there are times… when I never need to bother myself with responding.

And THAT’S when the one dishing any ill will toward me… should worry most.

Evil never learns the reality and true purpose in the journey of life.

That’s why evil never wins.

I will be standing… in my truth and wisdom… as my true authentic self… at the end of this battle.

 

Stepping Stones Toward Reaching Goals

 

My daily blogging is looking like Swiss cheese again.  I know.  Believe me.  My mind… heart… and muscles are all too aware.  Been a lot going on.

Back in August, 2019 I ended up having to rent a house in a town that was almost 63 miles south of where I needed to be located.  I had to rent the house sight unseen.

Long story.  Sometimes… you have to be willing to struggle in your life… to get around major breathing obstacles having bad intentions.

I chose to accept this house as being a blessing.  And gratitude thrives from my heart… as always.  Looking back… I can almost see the clothing all the Angels wore while they were covering my back door.

I had an option to purchase this house.  Once I had made my final decision about what I wanted to do with my passion… I knew it was not going to fit in with my goals.

The location was… definitely… an obstruction in the big picture.  Only 788 square feet of house.

But my gratitude to the Landlord and those that helped me in the process… put faith and trust in me… will forever exist.

This was a stepping stone for me.  And now… time has come for moving forward to my next step.

I’m relocating to the area where I need to reside.  This holds so much more common sense for me.  I won’t be opening the cap for my gas tank on my car so much… to say the least.

There is a fenced yard for Carlie!  There is a double car garage, which will help me with storage.  Separate storage shed in the backyard for the yard tools.  Separate laundry room… just off the kitchen.

Living room and family room.  Fireplace. Covered back patio… just outside the French doors.  Open kitchen!  I love open kitchens… lots of cabinets… and a load of light coming from the window.

Finally… a kitchen window that’s not so high it keeps me from watching things outside while I’m washing dishes or cooking!  I can watch my Bird Feeders again!

And now I have plenty of room for my goal.  Since my divorce began and I relocated… I have been investing in equipment… software… books and supplies for my passion.

I have studied.  I have practiced.  Now I am ready to go to work.

I prayed for this.  I’ve worked hard for it.  I deserve this stepping stone.

My presence and personal communication has been vague with friends and family in Facebook.  Saved my ranting for Twitter.  Okay… most of it.

I don’t know.  I’ve probably appeared as if I’ve been sitting on a couch and soaking up the portion of my divorce settlement investing in and devouring Bon Bons.

Or… going out to the Bars and Nightclubs… hooking up with men.  Getting that good dose of Rebound Flings.  Taking off on cruises.  Weekly total Spa treatments.  Or… whatever the hell women do after divorce these days.

No.

And other men?  In my life?  Seriously?  I am just now getting over that feeling of wanting to murder the next one that even looks at me with a friggin’ grin.  But that trigger can raise from the dead by any man choosing to become stupid.

Just being honest.  I’m not all the way healed.  I’m a work in progress.

When it comes to men…  I only think about one.  Still.  Always.  My Knight.  YOU.  The only man I have room for in my life.

But he’s not here.  I guess he has his reasons.  So I focus on me… my goals.  I do what I CAN do… to keep standing.  To keep moving forward.  And praying.

Part of my life goal is to buy my own home.  Well… this country holds a leash and shock collar on the demands for being able to buy a home.  You must have a good credit score.  You must have a sizable down-payment.  You must have a good record of employment outside the home…  for at least 6 months.

The word of a human being no longer has any meaning in this country any longer.

I worked more than one job at home… including raising cattle… worked harder than I ever did when I was employed in the airline industry.

I busted my ass as much as my Dad did… as a Journeyman Pipefitter Welder.

Actually… I worked harder.  I was 24-7 on-call status.  I never got a day off.  In almost 18 years of marriage… only one weekend vacation to Jackson, Tennessee to go Crappie fishing.  And one weekend trip to Savannah, Georgia.  It was a Mother’s Day – Pick up a tractor weekend.

But the only thing that matters to America is… I didn’t leave the house and bring home a paycheck.

The Credit Union told me I needed to hold a part-time job for at least 6 months… before they would give me a mortgage loan for $90,000.00.

Right.  So… you’re telling me… I can go work 12 hours each week… for 6 months… at $11.00 per hour… and you will give me that loan?

Can you hear me laughing at the insanity?  Believe me… it’s sandwiching anger.  For so many good and loving human beings in this country.

This is what they do in this country.  The truth is as pure as sewage.  And the arguments are as lame… shallow… and LAZY as it gets.

And then we wonder why so many elderly people are having to sacrifice and choose their battles between eating… paying ridiculous monthly health insurance premiums… car insurance… gas for the car… and paying the insane costs for their pharmaceutical meds.

Other options to buying a home.  If you are self-employed… you must have 2 years of tax records to prove stability to secure maintaining a mortgage.

Next come the Snakes… who tell you they can get you into a home without any down-payment… no job status required… blah blah blah.

The trap… You pay 40-60 percent of the price for the property… up front.  And the interest rate is just… stupid.

They justify the monthly mortgage figure with the fact that it’s still less than monthly rent for a 3-bedroom apartment.  “Let’s not squabble about it only being 35 cents, okay?”

Yeah, right.  Piss in one hand and wish in the other, Moron.  See which one warms your heart faster.

Moving along…

So… over the past 6 months I have been steadily working on my credit score.  The 700+ credit score I half earned relocated out of state.  My part dropped to 520.  His stayed the same.  He took it with him.  Ahhh… but there’s a reason why his credit score sat up in the balcony seats.

I handled all the finances up until the last year and a half before the divorce.

Starting over did not come without a steep price… of course.  Just to get the utilities turned on required pennies short of $1,000.00.

But little by little… and doing nothing more than paying my bills on time… I have raised my credit score up into the healthy ‘Fair’ bracket.

So… I’m moving into a much nicer home!  But remember… I have no… ‘job’.

How do you relocate almost 62 miles away… working any part-time job… where they’re only giving you 12 hours each week?

Why bother?

Every penny goes inside the gas tank.  And it simply amazes me to see how the financial realm in this country is so lame at doing common sense math.  There’s only one explanation.

Nobody cares in this country.

I decided early on… this house was not going to work.  It wasn’t working for my plans.  And it wasn’t working in my life.

So I had to get really creative… again.  And sacrifice… again.

Now at this point… moving into this next house is supposed to be another stepping stone.  From here… I go get that lame 12-hour per week job and work on my passion at the house.

My next step is… buying my own home.

It’s NOT going to matter to anyone at the bank… how much money I will have in my bank account.  My passion goal can start rolling in enough cash that sets me up really great!

Most people quit their ‘jobs’ when this happens.  But me?  Oh, no.  I cannot quit my ‘job’… unless I want to wait 2-3 years… to prove stability with my passion goal.

Because the bank won’t care.  They just want to see the check stubs proving the length of time I have been employed outside the home.  Never mind my perfect consistency with paying all my bills… including a signature loan I have carried… with THEM… over the past 6 months.

And the real pisser… the Rent is double the cost of a monthly mortgage payment.  This is a serious problem in this country.  The mentality in general… running amuck within our existing corporate world is just… totally inhumane and unconscionable.

And they do it because they can.  They do it because we don’t do our background research on local politicians… and make damn sure the crooked ones never make it to Washington, D.C..

Even in the game Clash of Kings… Kingdoms have the rule about not attacking main castles.

It allows players to grow in the game.  They have a fair chance to become a valuable asset to the kingdom.

The difference between the two?

Human beings from NATIONS ALL AROUND THIS WORLD play in Clash of Kings.

 

 

*** Note:  This is NOT an endorsement for Lowe’s, nor do I receive any funds for using the moving carton in my photo.

And I Made My Decision

The alarms on the clocks sound from my Kindle and my phone.  A new day arrives after making a decision before bedtime last night.

I chose walking away.

I know me.  I know my heart.  I know my conscience.  I know the kind of love I am capable of giving.  But I also know the kind of love I deserve.

And beginning today… I will love me.

I rise for my usual morning routine.  My bed is made.  I dress.  Carlie gets her tone collar put on before being let out for her morning constitutions.  Her breakfast is prepared… soaking in hot water to make its ‘gravy’ that she loves.

The usual brushing of my hair and teeth.  Then… I grind fresh coffee bean and set the pot brewing.  That soft ‘bark’ at the front door.  Carlie comes back in and heads for her breakfast after removal of her collar.

There is something about the smell of a fresh cup of hot coffee before the sun even begins to rise.  It’s like… “Good morning!”  And just taking a few moments to absorb how it makes me feel… makes me ready for my next couple of hours.

I’m into my daily guidance on YouTube… listening to Tilly’s daily reading for today… when I have to pause.  Carlie’s finished breakfast.  She won’t let the world continue until she gets her cookies.

Tilly’s reading is finished.  I move on to Gemma’s reading for the day… followed by Uriel’s reading for the weekend.

It’s amazing how all three women cover all aspects of life in their own way.  Light Readers are gifted with their own unique guidance.

I’m so comfortable… thankful… and grateful for how I’ve come to rely on these three women for offering me a peek into what I can expect for the day… what guidance I need from The Divine, the Angels and The Universe.

Fanny is my Go-To for my monthly guidance as an individual.  Still… I gain those daily steps from the other three earth angels!

But it was my own readings I did last night… through Colleen Baron-Reid’s Wisdom of The Oracle and Lucy Cavendish’s Dragonfae Apps (apparently, no longer available in Google’s Play Store?)… that led me to my final decision.

The rest of the day will include more study for a couple hours into the subject of my main goal in life… as well as the current tasks I’m in the middle of handling.  Daily household duties requiring my attention around the house will be completed.  And my evening will be free for planning my weekend.

I always pay attention to how my entire body feels after making decisions like this.  There is a sense of peace that covers me.  Reminds me of a baby’s face… just after entering this world and resting on Mom’s chest… eyes open and looking up at her… so quietly and relaxed.

All the locks at the Dam of Tears seem to have been shut down and not a drop releasing.

And for the first time… I feel what I had manifested long ago… when I experienced the first round of pain that took me too close to a cliff’s edge that nobody really wants to ever see.

I wanted to think of Alan… and feel nothing.

I needed to feel nothing.  I know me.  I have fought a part of me for a very long time now.

There is no man or woman on this planet worth ending your life over… just to feel nothing.

Yes.  It’s a war inside one’s self.  This was the worst war I’ve fought.

Many battles with hope… faith… that loyalty I tried hanging onto for dear life… for only all the right things that have been allowed to exist inside my heart.

My Castle Doors slammed shut.  Several times.  That Drawbridge lifted and locked tight.  That Moat filled to the brim and loaded with a fresh herd of every kind of  sea animal that would eat a man or woman without leaving a bit of evidence.

And still… I remained willing to meet halfway… to reopen negotiation… with him.

It’s exhausting.  But this morning I can wake up and say… “I truly gave it my best.”  At least I know I tried.

But this is not my loss.  He gets to own the loss.

And he will never know all that he lost.  Little does he realize… I never showed him all of me.  I’m not that naïve.

They never see the best of me… until they’ve given me the best of them.

I win.  In the end… I get to have Teresa.

Did You Hear That Door Lock?

I just need to say… I am so relieved to have walked through that door to 2020 and left 2019 buried in some cemetery.  Bottom line… simply one horrible year for me.

In my Tarot readings I was advised to work on planning during the month of December.  Major decisions were made for my life.  Lots of shedding.  Lots left behind.

But then there were the important things in my life that I got to choose to take with me… into 2020.  Goals.  Decisions.  And with or without me… People.

There are actually… very few people I chose to take with me.  But this will be the year when I build new friendships with like-minded people having that same depth of heart and emotions… conscience… kindness… respect… and goals!!

This year is about my heart.  Happiness.  Goals.  There can never be enough said about Goals.  Prosperity.  Abundance.

Love?  I don’t know.  In God’s hands.  Divine Timing.  For now… I am enough.  I have to be enough for now.  And I’m okay with that.

Did I tell you I’ve got goals?  ;)~

My Twin Flame.  In God’s hands.  But never left behind.  And never without my love.  I pray for him.  I pray for his happiness.  I pray for the Universe to bless him with Discernment… Strength… Courage… Wisdom.  Everything for him to rebuild himself from the center of standing in his own truth… his own authenticity… his own wishes… his own goals… his own dreams.

I still believe in him.  I know he can do it.

Understanding and compromise would be two wonderful goals.

I just refuse to pray from inside some closet.  I think that is unrealistic… inhumanely unfair.  And I KNOW it’s just… non-negotiable.

Certain other loved ones that I chose to bring with me.  And then there are those that… basically… helped me choose to leave them behind.  And I’m perfectly okay with that.  I know my truth.

This year is about getting back in touch with myself.  I was so lost and separated from myself for so long.

This is my year.  Finally.  It’s my turn.

I stay more to myself now.  The time will come when it is safe enough for me to speak about all the hard work I am currently in the middle of completing.

Sadly… there are people in this world that just thrive on bringing other people to failure by their dirty deeds.  Out of jealousy.  Out of insecurity.

Simply because you are no longer at their disposal for using your talents to improve their lives… at the expense of your own.  And of course… when all that happens the rest of the world around you is fed a lot of false bravado… which seems to be preferred over truth and honesty in this ever-increasing mad world.

Pathetic.  But hey… those abusers get free will, too.  Whatever.

I prefer to stay to myself and focus on the positive issues in my life.  I mind my own damn business.  I take care of me.

In essence… I’m really not doing anything much more differently than I’ve ever done before.  The only difference is… Now I’m doing it for someone that SEES my hard work… APPRECIATES my efforts… REALIZES my value… and GIVES ME THE CORRECT CREDIT THAT I’M EARNING… THAT I DESERVE.

I’m doing it all for myself.

The difference I feel inside of me is something I cannot even measure.  Now my heart receives what it always needed before… in order to give me that drive to keep moving forward with accomplishing even greater things in life with so much more pleasure and satisfaction.

The results are now much better.  No more half-ass.  I’m a lot less stressed and tired.  No more having to pick my battles.  No more having to fight for half-ass.

I’m able to make a decision.  And now I have the freedom to lay out the tasks in such a way that makes it easy for me to get things done.

So simple.  Which only shows… it never had to be so damn difficult… nor ridiculous.

All the money in the world… won’t even hold the value of an ounce of human piss… against the value of brains… conscience… integrity… truth… common sense… self-love… self-reliance… and self-respect.

And THAT… was in my little suitcase that I carried with me through that door to 2020… after burying 2019 in a cemetery.

I just hope everyone else in this world finds their way to their own healing… truths… finds their own value… self-worth… and self-respect… whatever you need to make you feel whole and happy… from inside yourself.

Happy New Year!

Forever a Milestone for Me – 2019

 

Deep lessons I learned this year, which came with great sacrifice and loss.  But compensation was taking back my power and finding Teresa.

I can only pray for others that no longer understand me and/or want to be around me… and hope life and the universe bring them around to choosing to heal themselves.

I love them all.  But the cycles needed to stop somewhere.  Cleansing needed to begin somewhere.

One man wasn’t my only problem.  I brought my own issues to the table.  And there were others involved.

Adult children in this country need to wake up and look at themselves.  I’m not alone when I say this.  I’m hearing parents of grown children everywhere saying the very same thing.

It blows my mind.  It breaks my heart.  For all of us.

None of us is perfect.  We never reach any particular age and know it all.  Learning never ends for any of us… including parents.

The fork in the road led me to two choices of paths.  I took the better road.  They don’t know.  I was one hair away from checking out.  Nobody would ever get to have me ever again… if I couldn’t have myself.

So there.  I chose hope.

I learned we all asked for this experience of Life on this planet.  We had to get here some way.  God made a way.  All He expects is for us to be guided until we become adults.

I learned nobody is perfect.  Many fail at being guides.  There is no manual.

But we all get a second chance.  It’s called becoming an adult.

That’s when we have the freedom to choose seeking healing to exude that unique soul inside each one of us… that we bring to this life… and take with us when we leave.

Until every one of us finds that healing… we will never have that reunion.  And ‘We’ is every soul on this planet… especially families.

I learned about real love.

I found real love in me.

I learned TRUTH.

I learned how to become free from being mentally conditioned… manipulated… controlled.

I witnessed hope in a 16 year old young lady that set this world on its toes… as she traveled all around the world… lighting fires in hearts that DO CARE… EXPECT TRUTH… DESERVE TRUTH… EXPECT CHANGE… DESERVE CHANGE… for the HIGHEST GOOD OF ALL.

Greta gave me courage.  Strength.  Hope.

And speaking of…

Strength.  Self-Worth.  Value.  Fair Boundaries.  Peace.  Tranquility.  Balance.  Happiness.

Goals I have reached!

I pray this hits home for so many others.  If you’re hurting… Seek an Empath.  Seek a Spiritual Healer.  Seek a Reiki Healer.  Google the words.  You’ll never regret it.

Learn the TRUTH about Tarot.  It saved my life.

Happy New Year, everyone!

2020 is gonna be so awesome!

*** “Serendipity” – Card #18 from Wisdom of The Oracle Deck by Colette Baron-Reid.  (Click here) to read the meaning of the card.

Some Journeys Go Around The Holidays

I’m at a point in my life where my trust in anything and anyone… has been absolutely shattered.

I’m feeling safer by just being alone at this time.

I’m not even capable of responding to messages on the Internet from any guy I don’t even know.  Honestly… he’s better off if I don’t respond.

There is no telling what may be loaded in those darts I throw.

I’m really going through a lot of deep diving in this journey right now.  The process has its days when sorting can be quite overwhelming.  Issues surface from out of left field… totally unexpected.

But you can’t heal until you address the wound.

I have warned people before.  I am raw honest.  This is my journal about my journey.

Over the course of my life I’ve been forced… manipulated… even conned into holding back… in so many ways… for so many shallow-minded… mean… selfish reasons… by many people.

What have I learned from all that so far?  I’m learning how to avoid putting myself in those scenarios.

But for now… this is my turn.  And there’s no holding back from purging anything.

So put on your seatbelt.

Because today I’m talking about… sex.

Serious subject for me.  I don’t take it for granted.  And I have put a halt to me being taken for granted in general.  But even more-so… with sex.

I communicate some really deep emotions through sex.  For me… it is making love.  I’m saying ‘I love you’… in the deepest way possible.

Having your child… was my way of saying how much.

Yeah.  Missed the message.  Didn’t you!

Well.  I tried.

Sex is not part of some daily routine for me… like Pilates… Yoga… Jogging… or some other daily exercise.

Yeah.  I don’t do the Quickie before heading to the grocery store… or the races… or a family dinner… or even before going out dancing.  I might be looked at… or maybe even touched on my arm like a feather enough to make us forget about going to the grocery store.  And the only thing possibly happening after getting dressed and before going out dancing might be a couple shots.

Just sayin’.  Gotta catch us, first!  lol

But.. no.  Sex is not a glimpse in my book.

When you’re having sex with me… you need to understand that I am telling you this is not just some date with me.  I am letting you know that my feelings for you go deeper than just dating.  I’m letting you know that I want to have an exclusive relationship with you.  I’m telling you that I love you.  And I’m letting you know that I want to fall in love with you.

And if that’s too deep for you… feel free to go find a more shallow… pond!

Promises don’t count anymore.  Too many men have broken promises to me.

Noooo.  Actually… the pathetic truth in that statement is… I have not had sex with every man that’s broken a promise to me.

Been a long time since I’ve even been around any man that can be trusted by his word.

My two marriages were quite… dynamic… in their own special way.

My first marriage… I ended up having sex with multiple partners.  The man I was married to… and whatever friend he invited into our bed with us each night.

Jim Beam… Johnnie Walker… Jack Daniels… whatever.  And that crap got old… really quickly.

Believe me… saying ‘I love you’ was… far from anything I had to say to any of them.  Most of the time… it was… “Goodnight.”

Ask him!  Oh wait…. he probably will not remember.  There were nights we did and he still thinks we didn’t.  What else can I say?

My last marriage… I have no idea what to even say.

Okay.  Let’s try this.  I never got a fair chance to start saying, ‘I love you.’ 

Yeah.  Almost 18 years.

Reconstituted Virgin I am!

Shut up.  I AM being nice.  You weren’t there.

I had a post come through my feed somewhere (I hop around like a cricket on my breaks) earlier this week… asking a question.

“If you could go back and do one thing in your life… what would it be?”

My first thought was…

“I’d go ahead and follow through with my plans… that night I changed my mind and decided not to go out to Scruples on the night before Thanksgiving, 1991.”

Back then… everybody that was living out of town always came home for the holidays.

The true love of my life was hit and killed while trying to cross the street to get to his pickup after walking out of Scruples that night… actually, around 12:30am Thanksgiving morning.

Everybody had practically crawled over each other… three years prior… to get to me and tell me he was getting married… two weeks after I came back home from California.  Of course, I knew the truth about why and all.  And she had to live through the truth… which had to be difficult.  He had free choice.  I loved him that much.  And yes.  It hurt.

I ended up having to move out of town.  I could not go out anywhere with friends… without him being there with her.  To be expected.  Small town.  But when I’d walk inside a place… he’d forget she was even there.  He even pinned me in the hallway to the bathrooms one night… while she sat at a table seeing everything.  I couldn’t allow that.

Some of my words… “No, Skippy.  I will not let you do this to her.”

He made the 4-hour drive to come looking for me one weekend.  Found him and one of our friends on the dam.  Drunk… bleeding. Tony’s truck torn up.  They’d hit some elder lady’s car on the dam.  I insisted we keep driving to the house… where I called his brother.  Left a message.  By then… I’d heard about rumors she was going around town spreading… things I was supposed to be doing around town… while I was living over 200 miles away.

I’ve always known.  I’m just that damn good.  Ya’ know?  Right. (smdh)

I wasn’t about to give her anymore fodder.  She’d done well enough on her own.  I knew they were going to jail.  I knew his brother would come bail them out.

What I didn’t know was… he was coming to find me… and tell me the divorce had been filed.  None of his so-called ‘friends’ ever bothered to call and tell me anything then… despite having the toll-free number for my shop.

Remember… this was winter… 1991.  Did we even have cellphones then?

I found out later… the divorce was supposed to be final on Thanksgiving Day.

But I woke up Thanksgiving morning, 1991… made coffee.  Walked outside to take the dog out to go pee and get the newspaper.  Came in.  Poured my cup of coffee.  Sat down with the newspaper.  Opened it to Page 2.

I do not remember much about my life from that morning… Until January 1992.  I do remember nothing making sense.  I remember feeling as if my presence on this planet no longer made any sense.

Jen and I back in California.  Living with my birth parents.  I decided to go to school to become a state certified Animal Health Technician.  They’re strict in California.  You can’t get in with experience, alone.

This was supposed to be the thread that would keep me hanging on.  It didn’t turn out that way.  But that’s a whole different chapter about my survival.

I lived with guilt… for DECADES.  Thinking I could have saved him… if only I had gone ahead and gone out to the club that night.

It was 2007.  I was washing dishes.  Thinking about Skip.  The guilt sent me into tears.  This pain never went away.  Something I just never could quit thinking about.  It happened a lot.  But on this particular day… something different happened.

I heard my Daddy.  “Baby.  It wasn’t your time to go.  You understand?”

After all those years… he showed me the reality I had never even considered.  He decided it was time for me to know the truth… 16 years later.

I would have gone with Skip.  Who would take care of Jennifer?

And then I realized… it was my Daddy that put that sick feeling in my gut that made me change my mind that night.  Overwhelming guilt in my head about leaving Jen with Mara to babysit.  But he did it to save my life.  And he was worried about Jennifer as well.

I don’t know why it took so long.  Maybe it was Skippy’s request.  With all the wisdom and understanding I have now… that would make perfect sense.  And I guess I would deserve it.

Wanting me to hurt as much as he loved me.  So I could finally see… he really did love me.  He really was faithful to me.  He wasn’t screwing around on me… like all the other guys I watched doing to their wives and girlfriends when I drove to Matagorda for the weekend.

I sabotaged that relationship with the love of my life… out of fear.  If all the other guys were cheating… why should I believe he was being a perfect angel for me?

The truth is… he was.  I just did not have any self-confidence to believe I was worth being loved that much… in the very way I always wished and hoped for.  Forget loving myself.  I didn’t even know myself.  I’d never been allowed to know myself freely.  Teresa was already shoved down in her little pinky toe.

But just as I’m writing this post… I’m realizing… my Daddy came to me with the message around the time I… finally confessed to my… new-ex… out loud… the fact that I would not be married to him… if Skip were still on this planet.

The longer I think about that question… I would go even further back in time… for that one thing I would do over again in my life… if I could.

Skip knows exactly what night I’m talking about.  To have all the knowledge I have about life and spiritualism today.  To get the chance to go back to that night.  Everything in my life would take that road God intended.

Skip’s over there with my Daddy now.  He knows everything as well… just like my Daddy.  And he’s very well aware that I’ve never made it any secret to anyone close to me that knew him.

He was the love of my life.  I would have had another dozen kids with that man.  And he tried!  He fought me with the birth control!

You couldn’t put crazy past Skippy Bullard!  That is God’s honest truth!  Anybody still living who knew him will verify!

But today… life is what it is.  And just knowing the truth is enough for both of us.  It has to be.  We can’t go back.

Still… here I am.  But everything changes as I move forward in this journey.  I learn more about who I am… and what I no longer have to put up with.  What I no longer have to fear.  What I no longer have to settle for.  What I have every right to receive for all that I give.  And when I’m pushed… I push back.

I deserve love in all the best ways… for all the right reasons.

I deserve my love to be accepted in all its forms as truth and with complete understanding.

Unfortunately… trust… will be the most difficult challenge for any other man to earn from me and build with me… before making it through these castle walls that protect me.

Now you see why I’m prepared to be alone?

At least I’m honest.

*** Interesting reading about the meaning behind the card I drew after finishing this post.  (Click Here) to get there.

Game Over – Betrayer Loses

This post goes out to a particular person.  And you know who you are.

I went to bed last night, needing medication to help calm me enough so I could sleep… after going in and finding your cold… frozen message.

For quite a while now… I have needed answers.  Nothing was right.  Nothing made sense.  Who was this person leaving these messages?

You are not the man I know.  And that was verified for me this morning (click here).

I now know I’m being protected by Archangel Raguel.  He knew all this needed to make sense for me.  He knew I deserved to know the truths.

Because you make absolutely no sense to me… anymore.  Not as you are.  Not as you choose to be.  You are not your true self.  And you know this.  You struggle to run from yourself.  You hide from your own truth.

Your loss.  Not mine.

Knowing even the worst of circumstances gives me back my power.  I can now move forward… using all my strength in more positive and productive areas of my life.

And I am.

I will not sit in Hell with you.  After this morning… you can choose to exist there.  But you will do so without me.  She will never be me.  And you also know this.

You know who I am.  Remember?  “You are the one.”

Your words.  Not mine.

As I’ve said to you before… “Wish in one hand.  Piss in the other.  See which warms your heart faster.”

You chose to run.  You chose money… over that love your very own soul craved.

Ask yourself.  What does that say about you?

You found that love.  But now you choose to lead with your ego… rather than your heart.  You choose to defy God’s plan.  You choose to lose… everything.

I did my part.  I fought.  I fought for us.  You chose to destroy… with your ego.  I would be wrong to fight any longer.  That would make me the Idiot you have chosen to become.

I know better.  I will always answer to God first… before I ever fall into Hell with you.  You have now put yourself into a position where you will have to crawl out by yourself… without me.

The question is… will you have the courage?

I doubt you.  You’ve given me every reason.

Because I will NEVER come to you… ever again.  I do not acknowledge cowards who choose Hell.  Who choose ego over heart.  Who choose money over a Queen.  Who choose greed over God.

Archangel Raguel intervened.  He knew I deserved a full… completely honest explanation.  He led me to the Light Worker in the link above.  I have never come across her before.  Nothing happens by accident.

She read you like a book.  You make no sense.  But everything she shared in that reading makes perfect sense.

Not only did you refuse to handle what is your responsibility.  You put on one more of many masks to impress those around you.  Cruelty upon the last person that deserved such from you.

And you know this.  That’s the worst part.  Isn’t it?

Now I know why I have been hearing such strange things from so many other readers… all in sync… same messages.  They all talk about your drinking.  God knows there has been too much pain in my life caused by drinking already.

Like I said… I’m being protected.

You are a sad state of affairs… by your own choosing.  You betrayed me.  At the very least… I am disappointed in the person you have chosen to become.

I deserve better.  And I have all the faith in this universe… to believe Raguel and all the other Archangels will bring to me the real man I truly deserve to experience love with.

Meanwhile… I am enough.  I am content in my own love.

Where I lack faith… is in you.  You betrayed my belief in you.  You betrayed my faith in you.  You betrayed my loyalty.  You betrayed my heart.  You betrayed my love for you.  You betrayed my kindness.  You betrayed my gentleness.  You betrayed everything I am.

All because I loved you.

From my two dancing partners, now two of my Angels watching over me.
I love you Skip and Daddy.

Now… I can breathe.