Spiritual Healing – Page 2 – My Morning's Heart

My Lines are Never Blurred

Unlike that photo above, for sure! WordPress really needs to work on their transfer of media into their libraries. It goes south.

My lines for my boundaries may extend a little further than some people. Never the less… I do… have strict and specific lines drawn for my boundaries.

Those lines do protect a strong portion of details within a relationship whenever I am involved with a man.

I think I can safely say… any details I have shared out in the open in this blog are… simply… what can be expected… after a man has given plenty of effort into leaving me feeling betrayed… after leaving me behind on what was nothing more than a one-lane road.

Any kind of a relationship comes with its own value. That value is determined by efforts made by two people… both people.

Never would I claim to be perfect. God knows… I am the first to acknowledge that fact. And that’s why I’m so involved in healing myself.

I’m constantly looking forward and heading in the direction for becoming the best human being possible… from the inside out.

Others may feel no need to strive for self-improvement. To that… “God bless ya’!” Must feel so great to be perfect!

I’m working on it. ;)~

Anyone else has free will and choice to be all they wish. Good or Bad. And I have the choice of not allowing any man into my life that chooses being Bad.

I know who I am. I’m a good person. My heart is genuine. My conscience thrives on being legitimate… for only good and best intentions. My Daddy raised me with standards that I have never forgotten… despite his occasional… “Do as I say… not as I do” events in his own life.

Trust me. He’s over on the other side… laughing at me right now! He knows! He knows.

You may manage to find your way inside. I can promise you that will be your greatest challenge in your life… after my hard fight with getting through this divorce.

But that never means you’ll stay. It’s your choice for how you handle your part that determines such.

And when you hurt me… when you betray me… when you choose to do physical damage to me… or… within the perimeters of the relationship that cause it to end. And especially when you choose to behave downright nasty through the exit…

Yeah. You can count on me showing the world who you chose to be in my life.

But as far as any healthy relationship that is thriving between myself and my partner… THAT is when I am more than pleased to confess being selfish with my choice of privacy.

The first reason why I choose to behave in such manner… believe it or not… is out of respect for my partner.

If you can’t figure out when I lose respect for a partner… go back to the first post of this blog and catch up.

Yes. The boundaries are there. And reciprocity keeps all that goodness healthy.

I am a Giver. Granted… this past year has dealt the toughest fight I’ve ever experienced. But this has only overhauled this lady.

Getting into my castle… behind those walls that were only made three times stronger after this divorce… will never be anywhere near as easy as before.

My willingness to give as much in the process of initiating… not so plentiful anymore.

Lately… I find comfort in going back to the good old-fashioned ways of how a Gentleman should take the lead… and how he should honor the gift God gives him… with every breath he takes… if he wishes to receive it all back ten-fold.

The older I become… the more I come to figure out exactly what I do want in my life… what I don’t want in my life… and what I will not allow into my life. Turtles cannot lay the number of eggs to keep up with the growth of my strength… determination… and my will.

All this is definitely connected to my personal choices for all that I hold dearly from within a relationship with a man.

So… my answer is No.

You will never witness this blog exposing everything I may share with a partner. But I can say this. While I may throw their evil deeds out to the universe for cleansing as I go through all this healing… I am diligent about owning my own faults that I can understand would have been a contributor.

If… and when… I miss owning a fault of my own… you can be sure it is only due to the absence of communication needed for making such aware to me.

So… for those of you pulling feathers out of your butts over my last post… you can stop now!

Some Journeys Go Around The Holidays

I’m at a point in my life where my trust in anything and anyone… has been absolutely shattered.

I’m feeling safer by just being alone at this time.

I’m not even capable of responding to messages on the Internet from any guy I don’t even know. Honestly… he’s better off if I don’t respond.

There is no telling what may be loaded in those darts I throw.

I’m really going through a lot of deep diving in this journey right now. The process has its days when sorting can be quite overwhelming. Issues surface from out of left field… totally unexpected.

But you can’t heal until you address the wound.

I have warned people before. I am raw honest. This is my journal about my journey.

Over the course of my life I’ve been forced… manipulated… even conned into holding back… in so many ways… for so many shallow-minded… mean… selfish reasons… by many people.

What have I learned from all that so far? I’m learning how to avoid putting myself in those scenarios.

But for now… this is my turn. And there’s no holding back from purging anything.

So put on your seatbelt.

Because today I’m talking about… sex.

Serious subject for me. I don’t take it for granted. And I have put a halt to me being taken for granted in general. But even more-so… with sex.

I communicate some really deep emotions through sex. For me… it is making love. I’m saying ‘I love you’… in the deepest way possible.

Having your child… was my way of saying how much.

Yeah. Missed the message. Didn’t you!

Well. I tried.

Sex is not part of some daily routine for me… like Pilates… Yoga… Jogging… or some other daily exercise.

Yeah. I don’t do the Quickie before heading to the grocery store… or the races… or a family dinner… or even before going out dancing. I might be looked at… or maybe even touched on my arm like a feather enough to make us forget about going to the grocery store. And the only thing possibly happening after getting dressed and before going out dancing might be a couple shots.

Just sayin’. Gotta catch us, first! lol

But.. no. Sex is not a glimpse in my book.

When you’re having sex with me… you need to understand that I am telling you this is not just some date with me. I am letting you know that my feelings for you go deeper than just dating. I’m letting you know that I want to have an exclusive relationship with you. I’m telling you that I love you. And I’m letting you know that I want to fall in love with you.

And if that’s too deep for you… feel free to go find a more shallow… pond!

Promises don’t count anymore. Too many men have broken promises to me.

Noooo. Actually… the pathetic truth in that statement is… I have not had sex with every man that’s broken a promise to me.

Been a long time since I’ve even been around any man that can be trusted by his word.

My two marriages were quite… dynamic… in their own special way.

My first marriage… I ended up having sex with multiple partners. The man I was married to… and whatever friend he invited into our bed with us each night.

Jim Beam… Johnnie Walker… Jack Daniels… whatever. And that crap got old… really quickly.

Believe me… saying ‘I love you’ was… far from anything I had to say to any of them. Most of the time… it was… “Goodnight.”

Ask him! Oh wait…. he probably will not remember. There were nights we did and he still thinks we didn’t. What else can I say?

My last marriage… I have no idea what to even say.

Okay. Let’s try this. I never got a fair chance to start saying, ‘I love you.’

Yeah. Almost 18 years.

Reconstituted Virgin I am!

Shut up. I AM being nice. You weren’t there.

I had a post come through my feed somewhere (I hop around like a cricket on my breaks) earlier this week… asking a question.

“If you could go back and do one thing in your life… what would it be?”

My first thought was…

“I’d go ahead and follow through with my plans… that night I changed my mind and decided not to go out to Scruples on the night before Thanksgiving, 1991.”

Back then… everybody that was living out of town always came home for the holidays.

The true love of my life was hit and killed while trying to cross the street to get to his pickup after walking out of Scruples that night… actually, around 12:30am Thanksgiving morning.

Everybody had practically crawled over each other… three years prior… to get to me and tell me he was getting married… two weeks after I came back home from California. Of course, I knew the truth about why and all. And she had to live through the truth… which had to be difficult. He had free choice. I loved him that much. And yes. It hurt.

I ended up having to move out of town. I could not go out anywhere with friends… without him being there with her. To be expected. Small town. But when I’d walk inside a place… he’d forget she was even there. He even pinned me in the hallway to the bathrooms one night… while she sat at a table seeing everything. I couldn’t allow that.

Some of my words… “No, Skippy. I will not let you do this to her.”

He made the 4-hour drive to come looking for me one weekend. Found him and one of our friends on the dam. Drunk… bleeding. Tony’s truck torn up. They’d hit some elder lady’s car on the dam. I insisted we keep driving to the house… where I called his brother. Left a message. By then… I’d heard about rumors she was going around town spreading… things I was supposed to be doing around town… while I was living over 200 miles away.

I’ve always known. I’m just that damn good. Ya’ know? Right. (smdh)

I wasn’t about to give her anymore fodder. She’d done well enough on her own. I knew they were going to jail. I knew his brother would come bail them out.

What I didn’t know was… he was coming to find me… and tell me the divorce had been filed. None of his so-called ‘friends’ ever bothered to call and tell me anything then… despite having the toll-free number for my shop.

Remember… this was winter… 1991. Did we even have cellphones then?

I found out later… the divorce was supposed to be final on Thanksgiving Day.

But I woke up Thanksgiving morning, 1991… made coffee. Walked outside to take the dog out to go pee and get the newspaper. Came in. Poured my cup of coffee. Sat down with the newspaper. Opened it to Page 2.

I do not remember much about my life from that morning… Until January 1992. I do remember nothing making sense. I remember feeling as if my presence on this planet no longer made any sense.

Jen and I back in California. Living with my birth parents. I decided to go to school to become a state certified Animal Health Technician. They’re strict in California. You can’t get in with experience, alone.

This was supposed to be the thread that would keep me hanging on. It didn’t turn out that way. But that’s a whole different chapter about my survival.

I lived with guilt… for DECADES. Thinking I could have saved him… if only I had gone ahead and gone out to the club that night.

It was 2007. I was washing dishes. Thinking about Skip. The guilt sent me into tears. This pain never went away. Something I just never could quit thinking about. It happened a lot. But on this particular day… something different happened.

I heard my Daddy. “Baby. It wasn’t your time to go. You understand?”

After all those years… he showed me the reality I had never even considered. He decided it was time for me to know the truth… 16 years later.

I would have gone with Skip. Who would take care of Jennifer?

And then I realized… it was my Daddy that put that sick feeling in my gut that made me change my mind that night. Overwhelming guilt in my head about leaving Jen with Mara to babysit. But he did it to save my life. And he was worried about Jennifer as well.

I don’t know why it took so long. Maybe it was Skippy’s request. With all the wisdom and understanding I have now… that would make perfect sense. And I guess I would deserve it.

Wanting me to hurt as much as he loved me. So I could finally see… he really did love me. He really was faithful to me. He wasn’t screwing around on me… like all the other guys I watched doing to their wives and girlfriends when I drove to Matagorda for the weekend.

I sabotaged that relationship with the love of my life… out of fear. If all the other guys were cheating… why should I believe he was being a perfect angel for me?

The truth is… he was. I just did not have any self-confidence to believe I was worth being loved that much… in the very way I always wished and hoped for. Forget loving myself. I didn’t even know myself. I’d never been allowed to know myself freely. Teresa was already shoved down in her little pinky toe.

But just as I’m writing this post… I’m realizing… my Daddy came to me with the message around the time I… finally confessed to my… new-ex… out loud… the fact that I would not be married to him… if Skip were still on this planet.

The longer I think about that question… I would go even further back in time… for that one thing I would do over again in my life… if I could.

Skip knows exactly what night I’m talking about. To have all the knowledge I have about life and spiritualism today. To get the chance to go back to that night. Everything in my life would take that road God intended.

Skip’s over there with my Daddy now. He knows everything as well… just like my Daddy. And he’s very well aware that I’ve never made it any secret to anyone close to me that knew him.

He was the love of my life. I would have had another dozen kids with that man. And he tried! He fought me with the birth control!

You couldn’t put crazy past Skippy Bullard! That is God’s honest truth! Anybody still living who knew him will verify!

But today… life is what it is. And just knowing the truth is enough for both of us. It has to be. We can’t go back.

Still… here I am. But everything changes as I move forward in this journey. I learn more about who I am… and what I no longer have to put up with. What I no longer have to fear. What I no longer have to settle for. What I have every right to receive for all that I give. And when I’m pushed… I push back.

I deserve love in all the best ways… for all the right reasons.

I deserve my love to be accepted in all its forms as truth and with complete understanding.

Unfortunately… trust… will be the most difficult challenge for any other man to earn from me and build with me… before making it through these castle walls that protect me.

Now you see why I’m prepared to be alone?

At least I’m honest.

*** Interesting reading about the meaning behind the card I drew after finishing this post. (Click Here) to get there.

Game Over – Betrayer Loses

This post goes out to a particular person. And you know who you are.

I went to bed last night, needing medication to help calm me enough so I could sleep… after going in and finding your cold… frozen message.

For quite a while now… I have needed answers. Nothing was right. Nothing made sense. Who was this person leaving these messages?

You are not the man I know. And that was verified for me this morning (click here).

I now know I’m being protected by Archangel Raguel. He knew all this needed to make sense for me. He knew I deserved to know the truths.

Because you make absolutely no sense to me… anymore. Not as you are. Not as you choose to be. You are not your true self. And you know this. You struggle to run from yourself. You hide from your own truth.

Your loss. Not mine.

Knowing even the worst of circumstances gives me back my power. I can now move forward… using all my strength in more positive and productive areas of my life.

And I am.

I will not sit in Hell with you. After this morning… you can choose to exist there. But you will do so without me. She will never be me. And you also know this.

You know who I am. Remember? “You are the one.”

Your words. Not mine.

As I’ve said to you before… “Wish in one hand. Piss in the other. See which warms your heart faster.”

You chose to run. You chose money… over that love your very own soul craved.

Ask yourself. What does that say about you?

You found that love. But now you choose to lead with your ego… rather than your heart. You choose to defy God’s plan. You choose to lose… everything.

I did my part. I fought. I fought for us. You chose to destroy… with your ego. I would be wrong to fight any longer. That would make me the Idiot you have chosen to become.

I know better. I will always answer to God first… before I ever fall into Hell with you. You have now put yourself into a position where you will have to crawl out by yourself… without me.

The question is… will you have the courage?

I doubt you. You’ve given me every reason.

Because I will NEVER come to you… ever again. I do not acknowledge cowards who choose Hell. Who choose ego over heart. Who choose money over a Queen. Who choose greed over God.

Archangel Raguel intervened. He knew I deserved a full… completely honest explanation. He led me to the Light Worker in the link above. I have never come across her before. Nothing happens by accident.

She read you like a book. You make no sense. But everything she shared in that reading makes perfect sense.

Not only did you refuse to handle what is your responsibility. You put on one more of many masks to impress those around you. Cruelty upon the last person that deserved such from you.

And you know this. That’s the worst part. Isn’t it?

Now I know why I have been hearing such strange things from so many other readers… all in sync… same messages. They all talk about your drinking. God knows there has been too much pain in my life caused by drinking already.

Like I said… I’m being protected.

You are a sad state of affairs… by your own choosing. You betrayed me. At the very least… I am disappointed in the person you have chosen to become.

I deserve better. And I have all the faith in this universe… to believe Raguel and all the other Archangels will bring to me the real man I truly deserve to experience love with.

Meanwhile… I am enough. I am content in my own love.

Where I lack faith… is in you. You betrayed my belief in you. You betrayed my faith in you. You betrayed my loyalty. You betrayed my heart. You betrayed my love for you. You betrayed my kindness. You betrayed my gentleness. You betrayed everything I am.

All because I loved you.

From my two dancing partners, now two of my Angels watching over me.
I love you Skip and Daddy.

Now… I can breathe.

Full Moons and Castles

I opened up my Line account, yesterday. Had to open a new account. I named it TeresaMarie. Same name I had given one of my castles that I left behind when I quit playing Clash of Kings.

The app tried forcing me to go collect some pin number from my ‘other device’ before I could have my original account back.

That would be… two cellphones behind my life. I’m not even sure I still have the damn thing.

This request… from an android app. Amazing. Maybe I should go back to school and learn some tech geek… formalities. I’d be ahead of the game… with common sense.

We’re about to receive another Full Moon. Reaches our area at 8:34 am eastern time in the U.S.A. on Tuesday. This full moon is packed with more than the usual. Click here to gain a bit of insight.

We had a beautiful day today. We’ll have rain before I find my pillow tonight. We’ll have snow when I wake up. Welcome to East Tennessee. Ha!

I’ll be staying inside all day while it snows… having fun with more sewing! I like the fact that I’ve learned to set my boundaries when it comes to discussing all I am doing with my passion.

Which means I’m not sharing much. ;)~

I’m spending just as much time learning from other sources. There are so many special techniques that are necessary for all that I have in mind. I’m one who values the time I put into anything I do. So it only makes sense that I give it all the very best possible.

This is about… Me… my goal… My individuality. And this is on my terms.

Does this mean I’m some Control Freak? I can answer this honestly.

I am the first of all humans uncomfortable in the presence of my flaws that create dysfunction with others.

I haven’t pinpointed the exact moment when that flaw took a serious turn onto a more appropriate path. But I do know this. The opportunity was at the top of my list for my journey of reclaiming myself.

Said opportunity came once my divorce was final. Please take a moment and just… let that sink in.

“Why would she have to wait until….. Ohhhhhhhh!”

Yeah. I know. Be glad you weren’t the one having to wait.

Appropriate boundaries. This is about choices and decisions in my life that belong to me. My wish for a specific goal pertaining to my passion for sewing is one good example.

When it comes to relationships with my grown children… I am in need of separating myself from their lives at this time… in order to have a fair playing field for working on setting my own appropriate boundaries. A huge part of reclaiming myself.

Works differently for others… I guess. I don’t know. I only know this works for me.

I’m hoping my children will find interest in taking time to examine their own issues. There is a better chance with me out of the picture. Of course… we all have free will. Whether they take that opportunity… or not… is up to them and none of my business.

On the same token… the work I’m putting into my own self… is none of their business. Their opinions are none of my business… and vice versa.

I’m only responsible for myself today. And I am taking care of myself.

In simple terms… I have no desire to live the rest of my life as some mangled up friggin’ mess!

As for a love relationship with a partner… do I really need to say? Okay. For anyone that has not been around…

I am not ready.

And I have to be honest. There is only one soul on this planet that would even stand a remote chance in Hell. He’s nowhere to be found.

And he is neither of my two ex-husbands. Trust me.

It hurts. I don’t know what to do with it. I’m trying. It is a work in progress. Covering it in therapy. This man has affected my heart like no other man ever has.

I could win the damn lottery. And it would not come anywhere near affecting me as much as this… profoundly deep-thinking… ever-so-guarded man with a damaged heart holding sensitivity more delicate than rice paper.

This is a situation that only spiritualists… Empaths… Light Workers… Healers and such… would completely understand.

I am an Empath. Click here to read up.

Empaths seem to be delicious bait for Narcissists. Let me just put that out there. Click here for some great information on Narcissists.

Here on earth… we can release ourselves from each other… and vice versa. However… when The Devine has made the plans… He never fails. He sticks to His plans.

One way… or another… you will end up from Point A to Point B… which only He has decided upon. And His Divine Timing reigns over your schedule in life, as well.

In other words… whatever you try to fill your life with outside His plans… will be turned on its head. Nothing else will bear fruit. If your intuition has not moved you in line with Divine Timing for certain events… look out! He’ll make it happen. He will come in and toss your little apple cart upside down right before your eyes.

They call it a ‘Tower Moment.’ I have put myself through numerous attempts to walk away. I have faced these Tower Moments every time I have attempted to walk away from all feeling and emotions for this man.

I think both of us are very stubborn. I think it’s because we are so protective over our hearts. Because we’ve been hurt so many times. So deeply.

This New Moon and Mercury Retrograde passing through right now… has put me through Hell. The readings. I had to stop going to YouTube for any readings for Libra and Gemini.

Mystic Witch Tarot… I truly trust her. She helps me with my personal journey… as an individual.

Opal Oracle… Raaji! She is so awesome. She gets down to that Mother Earth Understanding and alignment with the Universe. And you really need some deep intellect to keep up with her.

Gemma at Gemstone Tarot… Daily Collective. The Collective refers to everyone in general. I can handle this right now. Gemma offers the astrological common sense core feel for us all. And she’s funny as all get-out!

Lucy at The Channel of Love… focuses on the twists and turns between Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine Twin Flames. She goes through her readings in Story-form. Her perspective has helped cool my jets… so many times.

All the others had me twisting like a pretzel… until I went into my own cards. You must be very careful when you begin plugging in to all those readings. And recently… legitimate Readers have busted some plagiarism. On most occasions… I will refuse to listen to any reader that already has cards laid out in placement.

I lean on God and The Universe. And before any church-goers begin coming at me like alligators… I’ll make a deal with you. You stay in your lane. I’ll stay in mine. And we’ll be just fine.

This is my blog. It is a tool that helps me in my healing. I get to share what I choose. Your opinion is none of my business. And I respectfully request that you keep your opinions in your own pockets.

I have found an even closer relationship with God… since going into Tarot. And I have seen the difference with an even deeper gift of Discernment. I am blessed much more by free will choices… rather than all the mental and emotional conditioning that has been bleeding all over this planet.

Just follow the money. “The things they say… just to fill up that damn offering plate!”

I lean on God. I lean on The Archangels. I lean on The Universe. I believe in them all… for protecting me and guiding me.

I will stand beside them… before standing beside you… no matter who you may be.

‘Nuff said. Back to the topic.

I know which path I am supposed to take. I am fine with this. I can wait on Divine Timing.

I have plenty to keep me busy preparing. And I am moving forward.

Still…

I feel him. He comes to me. That Mental Telepathy. He knows. He’s always known. And he knows how to use it.

The tables are turned now. That damn game. He knew how to contact me outside Clash of Kings. I gave him everything.

Some people are probably thinking right now… “If he wanted to contact you… he would.”

Well… Yeah. You think I don’t know that? I know this better than you. Because he’s done so in the past.

But I also understand Divine Timing. I understand there being reasons for separation. I understand the concept of both of us being on our own journey. Both of us being guided through lessons and healing… before God decides the time is right.

Imagination? No. You have to feel what’s going on inside you without any self-inflicted provocation. That’s called The Knowing. Unexplainable feelings and emotions that overwhelm you. You can be in the middle of doing anything… cleaning house… working on a car when it just comes out of left field.

It’s him. That’s when the telepathy kicks in. That’s when I can feel him. At times… I have to stop whatever I’m doing. The feeling becomes so strong.

And yes. I answer. With love.

I miss him.

I miss those conversations when we were both present… at the same time. Seeing those words typed… back and forth between each other.

I miss the fun we had. Turning typed words into food fights… and water hose fights… and cooking in the kitchen.

He described so well… the two of us sitting on a blanket… out in the sunshine… eating frozen yogurt. I could see us.

We shared time talking about other things. I choose to keep those between us… for him.

Okay… I still say I could cook a steak better than him.

Just to be clear… nothing in the gutter existed. We have some really nasty… vulgar pigs on the internet. But this man….

This man is way above that.

I loved talking with him. Because he helped me see so many things from a different perspective. It made me want to learn more from his perspective.

I loved talking with him. Because he showed me I was worth being trusted to know some of his troubles. I’m forever left feeling so honored that he felt that safe and comfortable with me.

I loved talking with him. Because he helped me see the difference between a caring man… and a twisted narcissist.

I loved talking with him. Because he helped me believe I can do anything.

I loved playing Clash of Kings with him. Because he was the one that helped me find my own strength and power. So many values in life are what this man shared with me… reassured me that a man can be capable of maintaining self-respect… dignity… honor.

He showed me so much of himself in that damn game.

I learned about loyalty through the game… from him. Because he showed me at the expense of his own loss of power. He honored me with a deep secret about his true authentic self.

He was gentle with my concerns… my wishes. He would wait until I slept… before going off around the kingdom to do his attacking of other castles to regain his power. Never in front of me. Never while I was awake… sans the Conquest.

Yeah. I knew! But I wasn’t about to spoil all that fruit!

Always protective over me… in a game. And through a game… this man showed me the best of his heart and soul. Because of everything I learned… I know there are things about his life he has kept from me… to protect me and keep from hurting me.

Because that’s who he is.

I miss talking with him… because I had to learn that he was too damaged and caged up with fear… from being so undeservedly hurt.

I miss talking with him… because I was in such a blind rush with wanting to show him deserved love that he was in no shape to handle.

He hides in a castle… just like me. A safe place from any further hurt and pain.

His castle… much larger than mine.

His Drawbridge… much stronger with an even stronger lock than mine.

His moat… He knows I can’t swim.

And I refuse to drown… knowing everything I’d be taking with me.

My intention for this Full Moon… the day he comes to my castle and yells for me.

Like me… he cannot swim. Yes, that would be one of the good misfortunes we have in common. LOL

But I would know it is him. And I would drop whatever I may be in the middle of handling… and set down that drawbridge before my second breath.

From Now On… I Receive. And Then I Give.

For the majority of my life… until recently, anyway… I was one of those people that would take a boat load of crap before I’d get my gut full enough to be done. Slam doors and lock them shut.

It’s been quite an experience for me. But people that have known me… know one important thing about me.

When Teresa is done… She’s DONE.

But now… my gut gets full much sooner. Those doors slam shut and get locked within the blink of an eye.

My intuition is so… On Guard.

I know my scales of balance may have shifted from one extreme to the other since this divorce. I’ve spent enough time on all those could haves… should haves… why didn’t I see all this back then… and all that other hindsight.

I don’t do married men. And I don’t share.

He KNEW this. That fact was made clear before we ever had our second conversation. Well before I moved to Tennessee.

And still… He lied to me from the very beginning. Nobody should find out from a man’s 16-year-old daughter that his divorce is not final.

That burning question in my mind. Why didn’t I go ahead and pack 2 suitcases… leave all our belongings there… and fly Jen and me back to California.

All the way back in October, 2001. That may haunt me for the rest of my life.

But that was who I was. Fair. Willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Trusting he was in it for all the right reasons… like me.

My perception and my willingness to keep forgiving and moving forward. All the realization bubbling to the surface has really tilted to the far opposite side of the spectrum. Now… I will never forgive anyone doing me wrong… until they earn it. And I will bolt… as soon as I see any of it.

There was a time when I really enjoyed playing an online game… Clash of Kings. I began playing in the beginning… back when it really was fun. The goal of getting up to Castle level 30 and the fun of designing strategy for winning Battle of The Throne. You could… actually… design strategies.

Watching The Prince in 007 take The Throne. Foxxy!! Oh, my God… was she nuts! Leonidas… he was the one that took me into my first Alliance. And then there was Alan! Macho Blue Collar Worker (my favorite kind!) from Ohio. Adored him!! My Warrior! My Knight!! “Sic ‘em!” LOL

And then they jacked up the whole game with this crap called Kingdom versus Kingdom. And it all went to Hell from there. It became even worse… with the onset of Kingdom Transfers.

Now it’s all about spending money if you want to win. I’m talking hundreds and thousands of dollars that go into castles.

It’s become really stupid.

Really great players have left the game.

I ended up having to quit playing the game in 2012… once we began raising cattle. Funny thing about that. Dwayne has NEVER had to quit playing that game.

Let THAT soak in. Don’t be like me! LOL

I began to miss playing the game. Went back in… November, 2017. Things were different. Some of the old players were still there. But many had left the game.

I went snooping around the kingdom… looking for familiar castles. Alan had gone into 007 with the Prince before I left the game. He had more than one castle by then.

So… when I came across a castle that had Alan75 on it… I fished a message.

Two days later… a response comes… in Italian.

I never should have gone back to playing the game. Another one of those pockets of time spent going through those could haves… should haves… would haves… if only… and all that crap.

Soured again.

I just don’t put up with being taken for granted… lied to… deceived… or abused… anymore. Period. I don’t deserve it. I know who I am.

I reached that hairline moment… about a week or so ago. Teresa was done.

I quit playing Clash of Kings. I found myself struggling to stay there only for loyalty to the kingdom and the Alliance I was in. And the struggle was rough enough that it only took one person barking about something that was so friggin’ petty.

But… whatever. She wasn’t the reason why I left the game.

One heartbreaking truth I am struggling with right now is… I feel like I’m being pushed into no longer being ‘The Giver’. I’ve been soured by being hurt too much.

Right now… it’s like… filling sinkholes with solid concrete. That’s what I do to my heart… every time I get hurt.

And since God already knows… I hate the way it feels.

God never put anyone on this planet with a pure and kind heart… having intentions of ANY of us becoming dark… nasty… mean… vile… malicious Liars… and Players.

Take the Pun. They both fit that scenario.

I mean… I am becoming older and wiser. But that is far from the reason behind a gift being kept from the world. The fact is… I’m learning not to be a Giver.

And it hurts. I should not have to do such a thing.

But it is what it is.

I’m having to turn the tables on this world.

I’m no Willy Wonka. And I have no Chocolate for Takers who take… take… take… and give nothing in return.

From now on… I receive. And then I’ll give.

I’m always preaching about kindness. Maybe it’s because I’ve had more than my share of too many Takers.

If you’ve made it this far with reading this post… and you haven’t gotten right with somebody about a wrong you’ve done to them…

If you have not already… You WILL lose them. It’s only a matter of time.

And they get to choose when. You might think they’ll always be there. But they won’t.

Sooner or later… they always get their gut full. And if you fear that… you better wake up and bring yourself correct. Seek the help. Ask the questions.

When I think about the whole situation for me… I guess I should consider all the lessons I would have missed out on learning… had it not been for the unconscionable cowards that only bring red flags to the table.

Thank them? Feel grateful toward them?

Hell no. I feel sorry for them.

I’m thanking God and the Universe. I’m grateful to Spirit… all my angels… Spirit Guides and Light Workers.

THEY are here. THEY are guiding me out of this hurt and pain.

At the very least… I KNOW I can trust them… and count on them.

Just a reminder… this Blog is a huge part of my healing in my journey to reclaim myself and find all I need for standing in my own truth. I have the right to live my truth… and not have it affected by anyone else.

More Progress and Transformation coming. I’m working on it.

Dirty Laundry

It’s raining this morning. I can barely hear it hitting the house. And the goosebumps are driving me nuts!!

Oh, my gosh… I will NEVER live in another house with a tin roof! I have fallen back in love with composition shingle roofs.

Even Carlie notices. She didn’t quite know what to think when I opened the front door to let her outside. Been a while since we’ve had any rain here.

Thank God… no more need to dish out the yogurt to her… laced with CBD drops!

Rough weekend for me. I’m grateful for its passing.

Emotions everywhere. Crossroads. Do I let go? Do I not? Sobbing… soaking my T-shirts. Anger… frustration… hurt… pain… fear. The Full Monte.

But when the end of Sunday approached…

I watched WaterBaby Tarot’s Libra reading for Oct. 12^th – 21^st… before my routine of writing down things I’m grateful for… just before I go to bed.

BEST way this weekend could ever have closed out!

Thank you so much, Lady!

The reading reminded me of something I figured out such a long time ago.

Many people ridicule my raw openness and honesty. “Such an idiot… throwing all your dirty laundry out there to the world!”

Yeah, right. Truth is… you only THINK that’s ALL my dirty laundry! ROTFLMAO!

Uh-huh. You know what they say about people in glass houses… right?!?

Anyway… she reminded me of how I came to my conclusion behind my choice of being so open and honest. Not only with myself… but also with the world.

The secret… Okay. Alright. So there can’t be a secret in this. Anyway… The bright light bulb (is that better?) sits behind my personal relationship with God. This is a strong subject in my life.

And the Queen of Swords comes out to defend on this one… very solidly. I live to protect my relationship with God.

God knows me better than anyone else on this planet. And at the end of the day… He will be the one I answer to when I leave this life on this planet.

Nobody else.

He already knows the path I’m headed down. He’s already decided when my time will come for the end of my journey.

He already knows what’s inside my head and heart… before anything comes out of my mouth.

He knows all my feelings. (Think twice, now… there is a difference from the sentence above.)

He knows I’m not perfect… I’m human. And THAT makes me perfect in His eyes. He knows I have faults. He knows I make mistakes.

He knows my struggles inside my mind and heart.

Since God already knows all this… who cares about everybody else in this world throwing stink bombs… caused by their own choices of not diving deep to see all the convoluted conditioning shoved into minds for money?

The fact that they haven’t taken the time to figure it all out… that’s their problem. Not mine.

Again… follow the money. Those damn money mongers.

So… why hide anything?

You can’t hide from God, Silly!

Why fight and deny all the struggle on the inside?

It takes more energy keeping all that crap caged up in a heart and mind. My cartoon imagination gives me this view of God… sitting in a lawn chair… watching someone tangle with all this crap inside. Trying to fight it all… run from it… hide… deny… fear.

And God just sits there… watching. One leg crossed over the other. Foot bouncing up and down. Shaking his head gently… side to side. Grinning.

When those truths and feelings are all about positivity that can bring happiness… no barking negativity from anyone else on this planet matters… when you have The Number One King on your side.

Learning this… practicing this… brings so much light into my world.

Yes. Crap will always come around. This is not about building some cannon to rid the world of evil. It’s about finding the truth you can depend on… for where that safe place exists… where you are more than welcomed to become your own true self.

I remember growing up… LOL… have you ever been around somebody that looked you in the eye and said… “You’re not God!”

Ha! Guess what… That would be me.

And… if anybody is choosing to remain snarling at me for… ‘throwing my dirty laundry out there’… why are you so afraid to learn something from my experiences that just may free up your own world?

I do this out of kindness and love.

What’s wrong with giving kindness and love?

Who’s really the confused soul here?

Just sayin’.

My world is free. God knows when I love someone. God knows when I’m feeling hurt… angry… frustrated… confused. There’s no reason for me to hide anything.

Confusion… is my worst challenge. I’m a Libra. Balance. Truth. Honesty. I live with the goal and wish to do only the right things in life… according to what God intends for my journey.

My goals… come easy. My wishes… can be a challenge. And for me… God knows I will go to fellow Light Workers and my own cards to find His messages for me.

I will dig deep… deeper… as deep as need be… until He gives me that feeling in my gut and the peace in my whole being.

He knows me. He knows I strive to do and be the best of all good… for my highest good… and the highest good of all.

I have no qualms about loving someone. When that person is a good soul… worthy of love… why not?

My purpose in life includes sharing in this blog. Somewhere out there… a soul on this planet needs the support and encouragement. They’re seeking the same truth.

This world is upheaving all the evil that’s been brewing underground… this very moment. God is taking the reins! He’s getting the last word! And it’s going to be nothing less than good!

God bless Greta Thunberg!

There is hope. This is kindness.

We all need a hand-up with understanding… and acknowledging… the reality of all that’s going on in this world right now.

How about offering some reciprocity… by spreading some kindness of your own!

Rising from Ashes

Being granted in my divorce… the right to use my birth name.

This was a tick on a box for the Judge. For me… it was like this huge… thick wooden castle door that had been secured with one of those heavy… rusted… box locks that only one skeleton key could open.

That Judge had the key that opened that old lock. He did that… for me.

This was the gift of having my identity returned to me.

When I mention the word ‘Identity’… I’m not speaking only about a name.

I spent my childhood growing up looking in mirrors… trying to figure out who I was.

I didn’t look like anyone in the family. They all got sunburns. I got suntans. They all had freckles. I didn’t. So… who did I look like?

And through those years… I dealt with frequent blows of emotional abuse that really destroyed me from the inside.

The worst part about that is this.

Each and every day I stood in front of that mirror… getting ready for the day… I gave time to trying to figure out who I looked like… and who… I… was.

And every moment of mental and emotional abuse that came along… ended up being embedded into that vision… that was being drawn in that mirror… every single day.

I wasn’t even allowed to use my name. I’d never seen my birth father. I was 9-years-old when I first found out about him.

My Dad insisted on being the one to give me the story… even though he’d never even met the guy.

And God help me… if I dared to just whisper a question… to even that 14-year-old girl that gave birth to me.

Nobody… in my corner.

Once again… one more reason why she never should have been allowed to bring me home from the hospital.

She was just a kid. She had no sense about her. She had no clue about standing up for a child… defending a child.

She ended up out in the world… having to defend her own self… as a child. And nobody ever bothered to instill any good… positive values into her psyche.

The Domino Effect was real. And in my case… completely destructive.

I’ve worked so hard… over the past 5 years… trying to go find Teresa… and reclaim her. And stop the cycle.

Years of damage can’t be fixed in a couple years. Open wounds show up for others… as well as myself.

I can only say this. I’m aware that it’s my responsibility to heal myself. Anyone else has free will to choose… whether or not… they want to heal themselves.

It all comes down to how much you truly care about yourself. How much self-respect means to you. How badly you want the pain to go away.

And sometimes… the work load required for achieving that… requires total separation from all things that awaken all the pain. A human can only handle so much.

I’m being a mother to myself. Because I never had one.

And on a side note… THIS is something all you so-called Pro-Lifers need to consider.

Because you’re really no Pro-Lifer.

You disappear after the births.

As I just said… NOBODY in my corner.

I had my aunt and uncle as an infant… until my Dad came along when I was only 16-months-old. Why? Because of the laws… of course. They couldn’t be there as much as they wanted. But they were there for me as much as they could be.

And they were just a young newly married couple, themselves.

So get off your Unicorns and get real. Either get all the way in. Or… get out!!

Because I’m living proof of the leftovers from the devastation.

Chew on that… while I get back on topic.

I’m protecting and defending my Identity… giving it a safe place to heal… and finally… gain a chance to develop… grow… mature.

In a world obsessed with labels… I choose my surname for that umbrella I’m standing under.

What am I?

I’m becoming.

And I now have that shell needed for encasing all that I am.

Teresa Marie Tavares.

Snuffing Out Guilt with Truth

Okay… so, you’ve made a mistake of some sort. Big or small… immaterial. A mistake is a mistake.

Or… is it?

In this world… from the time we are toddlers until we die… this world tells us mistakes carry various levels of earned punitive guilt. And of course… most of us have experienced people having differing opinions about how much we should feel guilty and be punished for a mistake.

Read that again.

Let it sink in.

Look back.

Have you ever noticed before?

Do you see it now?

The cruelty we inflict on ourselves and each other is so wrong. How we respond and react is even worse.

Look… how many times have YOU even made these statements?

“We’re never too old to learn.”

“We’re here to live and learn.”

“If we’re not learning… we may as well be dead.”

But this world makes a lot of money by conditioning us to think this statement.

“Every misdeed receives punishment.”

You do this… you get that. You feel this way… unless you stop doing this… and go in another direction.

Are we really learning anything from this?

Were we really put on this planet to learn about consequences… and nothing else?

So many of us are so jacked up inside our minds… just from this one detail in our lives.

Look… it’s time to see the reality of a so-called… mistake.

We were put on this planet for learning about life.

God would never put us here for being punished whenever we fart in the wrong damn direction.

People on this planet have taken God’s purpose and twisted it… to make a LOT of money from it. And they begin the conditioning from the time we are toddlers.

The truth is…

We need to throw out the word ‘mistake’. Time to start throwing the money mongers off their game.

Bottom line… it’s AN EXPERIENCE. You get choices. If you make the wrong choice… the consequences come to you.

However… those consequences come way before any cop… any courtroom… any judge… and prison.

And we’ve all been conditioned to completely overlook those consequences… by the money mongers.

The true consequences sit inside your heart. And it’s up to you to see them. Sometimes… it takes the feelings of others impacted by your choices to help you see those consequences.

And LEARN the LESSON.

The lesson is THE END GAME.

If we all existed in this life God sent us to experience… doing everything perfectly… what would there be to learn?

Let that sink in.

You have free will. You have choices. You can choose not looking to find the consequences inside your heart.

You can choose to refuse learning the lesson.

But THAT is where you meet up with God. He always gets the last word. It’s always good. He is the Father. He raises His children to help them learn the lesson.

It’s when we choose to see the negativity in a choice we’ve made. That brings the learning from a lesson.

And People… THAT is why we’re all here.

It’s that simple.

It’s the truth.

Guilt only has a proper place when we choose to repeat making the same negative choices in any experience.

And THAT sucks all the energy out of our bodies and our experience of being in this life.

Even life-changing negative choices should be forgiven by others… once you learn the lesson from inside your heart and choose the choice that reciprocates only positive towards the universe.

If they refuse to forgive with kindness… see that as a lesson that THEY are needing to learn.

And weed them from your garden until that happens.

Never stand in the presence of those needing to learn lessons from negatives they are throwing at you. You become an obstacle in their path of learning in this life.

This world calls that ‘enabling’.

There is nothing sweeter on this earth for me… than watching someone recognize their wrong choice… taking the time to learn the lesson… and moving forward in a positive direction.

That’s when I forgive. That’s when I love forgiving!!

Forgiveness… this world says we should forgive… even when we don’t receive the apology.

I totally disagree.

It does not help serve the world when that person is out there… continuing with the same choices that bring negative impact on others.

That person is not being served with kindness when we choose to become an obstacle in their path in this life experience.

We stop them from the opportunity of being able to learn the lesson… when we just toss forgiveness to them.

Forgiveness IS to be earned by learning a lesson.

Being kind includes getting out of the way so a person can learn a lesson.

Reciprocity… Look it up in the Dictionary. This world survives on love… gentleness… kindness.

Try dishing out some of your own!

( This oracle card came out in reverse for me this morning… meaning the Protection Message applies in my circumstances. Click Here to read… and learn!)

I’m Gonna Be Okay

I got the back windshield replaced on my Putt-Putt!!!

I’m so tickled! Next on the list… having it Detailed. And then… we head up to Rusty Wallace KIA in Alcoa. The usual mileage maintenance… brand new passenger side mirror assembly… and 4 brand new all-weather tires!

I’ve been knocking out lists since last Tuesday. Just… taking care of business. Doing the right thing.

Deposited the rent into my landlord’s bank account. Mailed off a cashier’s check to pay back my aunt and uncle. Bought a new mail box. I’m hoping and praying I don’t have to cut off a portion of the 4″ x 4″ post that’s already there. Otherwise… I may have to cave in and go pick up one of the power tool bundle sets from Lowe’s a little earlier than I wanted.

But the lists never end. Yes, indeed. And I’ll just keep knocking them out.

It feels so good to watch every task disappear. I feel lighter every time I scratch through one of the items. I’ve been running my butt all over the place… taking care of a lot of things… besides what I mention.

But… That’s who I am.

And still… I made time to reach out to somebody really wonderful… somebody so important in my life… with some truth… only out of love.

Seeds are planted. Ball’s in their court. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink… and all that yada-yada stuff.

From this point… I’ve done my part. They’re in God’s hands. But I will always pray for them. And I will always love them. This person deserves to find healing and truth. They deserve to find peace that stops all the running from themselves.

It’s not for me to sit and wait. I move forward. God says, “Well… We tried, Hon. Maybe in the next life.”

And I’m perfectly okay with that.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve love. I deserve being Teresa. I deserve to have fun! I deserve getting back out there in this world and plugging in, again!

I’ve been looking back… trying to figure out where the electric cord fell out of the wall of life in my journey. Ya’ know? Where did that first step away from being so comfortable in my skin take place?

When I uprooted and left Manteca, California… May, 2000. I never should have done that. Like falling into an old abandoned water well with no bottom.

Would I do it today? HAHAHAHA! Are you kidding me?

I love living in East Tennessee. It’s meant for me to be here.

I can feel that this morning.

This… is the good that has come out of a really dark 19 years of my life.

I’m never giving this up for anybody.

Too many gorgeous roads around here for two wheels! Too many good people!

Too many great possibilities!

And being kind is received by others with warm hearts and open arms.

Being Kind… On the top of… My Forever list!

But take notice…

This wench isn’t sitting on any railroad tracks!

RECIPROCITY… Look it up in the Dictionary. This world survives on love… gentleness… kindness.

Try dishing out some of your own!

Queen of Swords is Dancin’!

Sometimes… life throws a garage full of things at someone. Everybody handles the situation differently. I tend to think the end result shows who they are.

And so it goes… this past week has been me… just trying to do the right thing.

I have not done so alone. I give love… thanks and gratitude to God, Himself… my Spirit Guides… the Angels… and my whole family over on the other side. Even Artist and Zucker.

Yes. The beautiful spirits of a Bull and a Miniature Schnauzer went with me to mediation for settlement in divorce. Not one single soul on this planet went with me… besides my Attorney. But… there was a load of support from the other side that left no room for anyone from this planet.

And for the record… all the Casteels from Texas City, Texas now thriving over on the other side… were there. So was Skippy Bullard. I have always said… “When we die and go to the other side we all learn all the truths. Everything makes sense. And we face what we cannot come back and fix.”

Well… I was wrong about not being able to come back and fix things. They gave me peace when I asked if it was okay to request being returned to my maiden name I was given at birth… so I could finally use it… for the first time in my life.

In the middle of this… My Daddy helped me understand why he turned me down when I was younger and asked him to adopt me. He was all I knew of a father. Raised me from the time I was only 16 months old.

This last name thing was an important subject for both of us. But we lose our egos when we go to the other side. And we find love. Even if we feel like we never really found it on this planet while we were here. In turn… I think my Daddy chose to give me what he was able to receive, himself.

He was… always… a giving man when it really counted.

We shot straight in the mediation. And we won.

I showed up on a wing and a prayer. No insurance. Busted windshield. Thanks a lot, Dwayne. And just enough cash to cover the cost for mediation. Thank GOD AND ME.

All I could think about was getting it over with… so I could just… go get insurance for my Putt-Putt and… finally… get it registered in my name. No more hanging it over my head for manipulation and control.

Since September 16, 2019… I have been on the road… just trying to do the right thing. Of course it came with fighting stupidity. Living in this world would be too boring without healthy stupidity creating ridiculous hoops for people to jump through… securing a few paychecks protected by a bunch of lead in the back pockets of recipients.

I know that will make perfect sense to a few intelligent people.

I’ve managed to get my Putt-Putt registered in my name – get insurance – do some grocery shopping – go to therapy – and schedule a whole mess of pertinent appointments.

I’m scheduled to get the back windshield replaced tomorrow. I’ve scheduled for having 4 new tires mounted/balanced, etc. – a new passenger mirror assembly mounted – and regular mileage maintenance on my Putt-Putt with Rusty Wallace Kia in Alcoa.

Yeah… I’ve never wrecked one of my cars. That is… until I started dodging hammers from somebody I only thought I knew. First time ever. But it could have been a LOT worse. Paint and Body shop’s easy fix.

Somewhere in that mix… after the windshield gets replaced… I’m scheduling to have that poor thing detailed. She looks as rough as I feel after all this nightmare.

I’ve been able to… finally… reschedule my appointment with my Ophthalmologist and get my glaucoma drops called in to the pharmacy. Pick up cashier’s checks for the landlord and paying back my aunt and uncle for helping me.

I ordered checks. But here’s the funny part. They won’t be in for a couple weeks. And… I’ll have to order new checks.

I’m waiting for the final decree to be recorded in Loudon County. Then… I go pick up a few certified copies from the Clerk’s office in Loudon County. At that point… I begin this whole new trip around the world to have everything in my name changed to Teresa Marie Tavares.

Social Security – Drivers License – Bank – Utilities – Doctors – the friggin’ Internet.

Yeah. I know.

I’m sending out new address cards to a lot of places where I do business. And they’ll all have the portion of the divorce decree that shows I’ve been granted return of my maiden name. But of course… some will require my body to walk through the door and produce the actual… certified copies.

More driving. More sitting in line. More waiting. More late dinners.

Did I celebrate? Not like most people might. No DD available.

I was starving by the time we got out of mediation. I had only 2 minutes to spare… God as my witness… by the time I made it to the bank. I’m tellin’ y’all… I’m good at this crap. I’ve just been… under oppression for the past 19 damn years!!

I looked across the street and… “Voila’!” My favorite. Bella’s!! Salmon and Scallops!! Yessss!!

Toys?

I wanna buy a Harley so badly… it’s biting on my butt… so damn badly! I know Smoky Mountain Harley Davidson will take good care of me. I’ll be able to take the classes and all. And I don’t care if it cramps asses flipping me off right now. I’m doin’ it. Mark my word.

But for right now… I just want to get… the other serious priorities… out of the way, first.

I need to get all this bureaucracy out of the way, first. After that… focus on making a decision about going to work somewhere.

I’ve already made one solid decision that holds NO compromise. Period. I REFUSE to work any stinkin’ part-time job… ever again… for the rest of my damn life. If they can’t guarantee me a minimum of 40 hours per week… they don’t deserve me. End of that conversation.

But then again… I may not even decide to go work for somebody else. I just may keep myself… all for myself! By God… I know I’ll give me 40 hours per week… AND benefits!

Toys?

Yeah… I got one of the other two left on my list… today. This came at a really great time for me. Part of my healing.

I have wanted one of these forever! And it was like… it was just meant for me to have this.

Found it on Craigslist. Wonderful lady met me near Oak Ridge to do the swap. Informed me… this little treasure was being passed from one Theresa… to another Teresa.

It belonged to her mother… who never stopped long enough to even use it on one project. I feel another angel has been watching over me. And I am so honored to have this treasure in my hands. I will do my very best for both of us!!

Imagine this… a future biker… who also dives in to heirloom sewing.

Yeaaahhhh! My Libra Energy! Going to Balance those Scales!

Ohhh. And that third toy…

Jeff Rains…. I’m coming after you! You’re gonna give me my first.

“snicker”

People… if you ever wanna be good at something…. Be Kind. And learn how to love.

RECIPROCITY…. Look it up! Dish some out!