Unconditional Love – My Morning's Heart

Peaceful Brainstorming

More time spent at home. More time to contemplate.

More time to daydream. More time to prepare for setting intentions!

Because the New Moon in Aries appears… on Tuesday… March 23rd.. at 5:28am eastern time (U.S.).

Thinking about… how I want to live… once this COVID-19 has reached an end.

Releasing us all to test ourselves.

Discover how much we have learned about ourselves.

What we require for staying alive.

What we don’t really need in our lives.

Materialism… having it all.

Is that truly where we find happiness?

I think it’s joy that we should find within ourselves.

I think happiness should be found with whomever we choose to share our joy.

Why confuse the two?

Why water one down?

Each deserves respect for its own value.

Just as every man… and every woman.

To acknowledge… and learn to appreciate… is a gift you give yourself.

Balance. In all things.

This brings the world… and ourselves… to our center.

What’s good for me… may not be good for someone else.

How much I wish in my life… may not be enough for someone else.

I can only speak for myself.

I am only 1 puzzle piece.

It’s like… finding that next puzzle piece that fits… once you have all the edges put together.

I wonder what puzzle piece fits beside me.

All this plays into everything I’ve been thinking about… for my life.

Simplifying. Downgrading the numbers in some areas.

Allows room for more attention to other areas.

Different priorities. Refreshment.

Peace.

Which wheels right back around to… the joy inside myself!

There is a particular family I have been keeping up with on YouTube.

I’m simply amazed by the happiness they have created… on one acre of land.

The first thing I love about all they’ve created is the obvious time they took to plan… everything… so thoroughly.

On a personal level… what really tickles me is how they’ve managed to choose a location that allows them to grow just about anything!

Everything you can grow in California… without having to live there! HA!

If you know me… such a place must be Heaven.

I could… actually… consider relocating.

I love living in East Tennessee.

The countryside is just absolutely beautiful.

But I have learned so many lessons in my life… about life.

Even beautiful land cannot be allowed to own me.

I cannot be bought.

I cannot be owned.

I can only be gifted.

And I come with boundaries of my own.

I hold the keys to my gates.

I get to choose… who gets in… and what gets in… to become part of my life.

For now… I pray.

While I daydream. I only have hours to get those intentions lined up!

Get ready for that New Moon!

Wherever you may be… Know that you are not alone.

And when you get a chance… click here to go listen to this Beautiful… Beautiful song called… ‘We Are’.

Tom Trapp. The Conductor.

That handsome man reminds me so much of my Daddy!

Know that we all have Angels we can call upon to guide us and protect us.

Especially during these difficult moments.

Know that you are loved.

As above… so below.

And so it is.

Let’s Talk About Babies

If anyone has ever paid attention to my blog postings.

If anyone who knows me… has ever paid attention to anything I say.

If anyone I have ever shared conversations with… has genuinely taken into account whatever I have shared.

Then you will recognize what I am about to say.

Very little has ever been mentioned… about my birth father.

Because he never made a sole effort to inject himself into my life.

Even as a child… it was me who had to reach out… to him.

And I got lucky with being able to do that.

It was my Dad… the man that raised me as his own… from the time I was 16 months old… who made it possible.

However… he insisted on telling me… what he decided I should know about my birth father.

I was only 9 years old then.

I had found a letter from my birth father’s second wife… explaining away not being able to pay child support.

Maybe I was only 9 years old. But I could do simple math.

I was the oldest kid in the family. And I was the only one that never got sunburns and peeled in the summer.

I now understand the pride in my Dad… blowing off the child support.

I can almost hear him say, “I don’t need that S.O.B.’s money. I’m doing okay raising her myself.”

Me standing on the bed… him standing at the foot of the bed in their bedroom.

Holding my arms gently… telling me… his version of the story.

He’s passed on to the other side now. He knows I know the truth now.

He knows I know… that he never met the man in his whole life.

But he knows the whole story. Right?

I know. I’m laughing, too.

Anyway…

At the end of the conversation… I asked if I would ever get to meet the man.

He promised I could… if we ever moved back to California.

I was 16 years old… when I got that opportunity to meet my birth father for the first time.

Finally… I could look in the mirror and see the other half of myself.

But fulfilling that promise came as a harsh blow to my Dad’s ego.

He felt as if all he’d given to raising me meant nothing.

His pain came out by way of violence… with the help of alcohol.

I have never forgotten that night… after coming back home from that visit.

At 16 years old… I felt like everything was my fault… simply because I wanted to meet this other man… so I could see who I looked like.

Things were never the same. In some ways… things became much worse.

The healing between my Dad and I came after he divorced the girl that gave birth to me.

That real father-daughter relationship… actually showed up.

Sadly… it happened 2.5 months before he was killed by a drunk driver.

But he will always be my Dad.

As a man… he was aware of the clout this world gives a man… compared to any woman.

He used it… to do something he never had to do.

He gave me the guidance of a father… flawed as it may have been.

Flawed as it always is. Parenting does NOT come with any manual.

But I am forever grateful for having my Dad.

There are babies that grow up in this world and become adults that carry flaws to the end of their journey.

Yet… one can look back and see the efforts they DID try to make… to do better… to be better.

But then… there are babies that come into this world… become adults and choose to remain stagnant throughout and to the end of their journey.

Some of us are born and grow up. Some of us are born and only age.

My Dad did the best he could with all the knowledge he had… even when he didn’t have to.

My hope is that this will awaken some young minds to understanding how accountability enters our lives.

We enter this world as babies. Initially… there are a woman AND a man… given with expectations… the positions of raising us until we reach the phase of adulthood.

Mainly because it takes a sperm and a womb to get us here.

Pay attention to the fact that I put the sperm in front of the womb.

Let that sink in.

This jacked up world has created a lousy bowl of gumbo in society that has generations growing up and giving no serious consideration… to the significance… of how we all get to this world.

And above all else… WHY.

Way too much confusion for babies and kids.

We all ask to come to this world.

But NONE OF US… ever sign up for THAT.

That’s WHY we have parents… who choose to take on the task of guiding us to adulthood… once we are conceived by their choice they both made… to make us possible.

“Just because you can… never means you should.”

For a lack of a better term for understanding… I refer to parents as parental authorities.

I leave it in a general sense because not all children have a heterosexual set… or even a full set… of parents living under the same roof throughout their entire childhood.

But let me make this personal opinion very clear.

This world seems to bash LGBT COUPLES for wanting to raise children.

To that I say it’s time to examine the insecurity that arises every time you consider the subject.

Why are you so afraid?

You lacking in something for which they exude fine detailing?

No judgement. Simply a question.

As children we see certain adults raising us as parental figures with authority. And we are expected to respect and obey.

We are supposed to be able to trust them as well. But that’s another conversation.

That’s not what we’re talking about here.

Anyway…

Too many of us are growing up with such a mix-mash of parental authority figures.

We are expected to adhere to the guidance of parental authority… until we reach that phase in our lives of adulthood.

Once we walk through those doors… that entire picture changes.

All those choices… are on us.

And yes.

We have a problem with parents who are confused… very confused… about that line where they must STOP… stand behind… and wave farewell… to giving all their instruction… as well as… holding expectations from us… any longer.

That’s where our first struggle with finding our true selves in our personal journey begins.

My birth father was… a teenager… still living at home with his mother.

By the time I was 9 years old… he was 27.

Wow. I just now realized… he was the same age as my Dad.

That impacts my thoughts… feelings… everything I’ve realized about the man… even more.

People can argue about what I am about to say next… forever. But deep down inside… everybody knows in their heart… this is the God’s honest truth.

This world still struggles with men refusing to allow women to be considered Queens.

Not only that. But… Queens with intelligence.

Governmental… organizational… business sectors. Even many religious sectors. Men in these positions have a really insecure mindset that makes them feel threatened by… women.

And for the record… Eve was just another relative of all the women living in this world today.

Seriously. Do some simple math. This is… the year 2020.

Anyway… all these sectors have no problem putting more focus and effort into pressing down women… before and rather than… putting that focus and effort into other issues… that can sustain a whole collective.

Power. Authority. And it receives all the money and other material riches to make the world go round.

It is what it is… and it remains… in this year of 2020… which is downright pathetic.

With all that said…

This issue has everything to do with the responsibility of boys becoming men.

And in my case… there came a time when my birth father had the world standing behind him… and giving him… everything he needed… to inject himself into my life.

Giving him. He had it made.

With two exceptions. His focus and effort.

He was warmly welcomed into learning the craft of a machinist in tool and dye. Earning that paycheck that buys the house and provides for the whole family.

You think any mother would receive the same?

That gave him all the power in the world to make choices. Act on decisions.

He chose. He cowed to another woman. He chose. No action toward his child.

This world needs to stop looking at women to do everything a man doesn’t feel like messing with… in relationships… and at home.

Because babies are being born. It takes a woman… AND a man… to make that happen.

The Divine expects the woman AND the man that conceive that child… to guide that child until they move into that phase of adulthood… regardless of whether or not they ever choose to separate in life.

BOTH… are accountable for making damn sure… BOTH are allowed to do so… without any interference.

It’s time to stop family members and others in their circle from interfering in your role as a parent.

It’s time for YOU to stop using a child as a weapon… and/or for manipulation and control in your own journey.

It’s time for all those Governmental… Organizational… Business… AND Religious sectors… to STOP all the biased… half-ass effort.

It’s time to get behind BOTH… the sperm AND the womb… FOR the baby born from it… ALL the way… in EVERY way of human rights that sustain their lives.

If you want a reason for why we’re all facing this Corona-virus and social distance from one another…

HERE IT IS!!

IT’S TIME FOR THIS WHOLE WORLD… to put its focus and attention on the protection of human rights of every baby coming into this world… and BOTH of their parents… regardless of their gender… their color… their religion… their sexual preference… as well as their predisposed societal judgment on this planet.

Truth be told… YOU need ALL THREE of them… just as much as anybody else in this world.

Ying and Yang – Balance – The Battle

Ever experience having a friend or acquaintance you see almost daily… where you notice they change their mind about things really often… sometimes overnight?

You see a pattern in their thinking. One day they feel this way. Tomorrow they feel that way. It’s like they cannot make up their mind.

It can be exhausting for those on the outside seeing this person going through this… thing.

And they do it with almost every choice in their life.

They look crazy… to some people.

Always in their head. Right?

I’m one of those people.

I’ve known this for a very… very long time. It has always bothered me.

Why do I do such things?

This is something that can obstruct relationships in life.

You can lose friends. Family even negates you out of their equation.

You’re just accepted as being crazy.

And so for me… I separate myself from the whole population.

This is the longest period of time I have done such.

And I continue needing more time.

I’ve needed peace.

I’ve needed answers.

I’ve needed to understand why this goes on inside me.

I’ve needed to understand what others see on the outside of me.

I’ve needed to understand how… and why… I allow others to manipulate and abuse me through this thing I feel has been a weakness.

Some people in my life… may not have even been aware they were even doing so.

Nothing I can do about that.

It is for them to acknowledge with their own awareness.

My job has been to sort out my own self.

I can only speak for myself.

I can only depict the understanding I find… once it settles within my whole being.

Telling me I have found the correct answer… for myself.

Those daily swings of feeling this way one day… that way the next. That’s not crazy.

That’s me working my ass off… inside my mind and heart. Searching… fervently.

Imagine a plane dropping a piece of paper from 500 feet in the air.

Envision the paper making its way to the ground.

See how it swirls. Sways. Slowly descending. Until it reaches the ground. Where it rests in peace.

And then the garbage man picks it up and throws it into the back of the garbage truck!!

Hahaha!

Okay. Maybe that would be the piece of paper. Not me!

No. Reaching the ground for me would be my mind being given time to feel each possible resolution… to find the one that settles most peacefully inside me.

So many things in our lives function by requiring our thoughts… opinions… decisions… on so many different levels.

And I would bet most of us tangle most inside ourselves… when it comes to love.

Love on so many levels.

Family. Friends. Personal Goals.

That one we all seek. To walk alongside… through this life.

Who fits?

Why do they seem to fit?

What about them makes us feel good?

What about them yanks our last nerve?

I mean… balance requires both… good and bad. And most of all… honesty with ourselves.

I search all the time. I go back in the past only to seek where I went wrong.

It bothers me.

Without correcting my mistakes… I cannot move forward in a much more pleasant and peaceful frame of mind and heart.

I only wish to bring the best of myself to the table.

I must search my mind and heart with questions for myself.

I must be willing to answer honestly… without fear.

I must be willing to acknowledge my own growth evolves from all this hard work.

And with that said… there may be changes within me that another may not be willing to respect… and/or accept.

I must hone my strength to accept their choice with respect.

Move on… knowing there is someone in this world that is able and willing.

But with that said… can my mind and heart swing back to a longtime truth I have been struggling with?

Love for a soul whose eyes I have never seen. This has been a battle for me.

Heartache. Heartbreak. Back and forth. In and out. Present. Absent.

The absence is the worst. It has been the latest. And the longest.

None of the pain settles inside me. It’s not what I seek. I run.

I fight to let go. I fight to feel nothing.

To feel even anger… is to feel something. And that keeps that cord to that connection secure.

I fight until all I can do is cry.

When there’s no fight left inside me… all I can do is surrender myself… giving in and taking that time to cry it all out.

I get one single day of feeling clear.

The next day… it’s like God steps in and says… “Nope. I will win.”

Aaaaaaaand…. I’m swinging back to the other end of the spectrum.

This love for this soul with eyes I’ve never seen… simply refuses to go away and leave me alone.

Why?

I’m able to carry on with my own life… work on my goals. And I’m able to roll with the flow… easily.

I go about my days now… taking care of everything in my life with absolutely no desire to respond to any man approaching me… which is something totally out of character for me now.

Except one.

This is the one answer that has me struggling to find an understanding.

No matter what I do in my life… he is still there. He still owns my heart.

Why?

What is The Divine concocting?

Empires and True Love

Imagine this. Close your eyes and envision this incredible materialistic empire you have created.

One night… the police come knocking on your door at 3:30am… waking you up. Asking you to come with them.

They take you to your empire… where it is burning to the ground.

By daylight… everything you have built… that materialistic dream of yours… sits in ashes… completely destroyed by fire.

What would you do?

“I will rebuild it, again.”

Yes?

One can always rebuild a materialistic empire.

And you can delegate its care and survival.

But you see… this is impossible with humans… relationships… love.

Humans, relationships… and especially love… are like the most beautiful garden on earth.

You find all those treasures that provide beauty and the scents of every kind of perfume and cologne ever brought before our senses.

Each of us is blessed with our own mass of humans that come and go in our lives.

And our deepest of blessings is granted… when that single precious human comes to stand before all others.

Gives of them-self… from the deepest places in their heart… with every ounce of their being… to no one else.

Only YOU.

The greatest secret to any garden is to discover that there is always one plant that may flower for a few days out of every year.

But its true beauty reigns in its inner existence… which brings out the beauty of its whole being for the rest of the year.

You cannot delegate the care and survival of that garden.

It requires your personal attention.

Constant nourishment can only be received from you.

For that effort… you are blessed with your own nourishment… coming to you 10-fold in return.

And only the truest essence is capable of giving such.

The beauty only becomes better as time moves along… blessed with your personal care.

As in any garden… weeds will appear. They will crowd your vision of all the beauty.

Unless there comes an end to their ill intentions of stopping you from seeing the one that came to stand before you in front of all the others.

Other flowers may put on a glorious show… mesmerizing the whole world with such outer beauty.

Only to poison anyone touching anything exposed from its inside.

Outside beauty can be evil.

Not that everything beautiful on the outside can be evil on the inside. But that is the fertile ground where it hides.

From this experience you learn to decipher between a weed… a poisonous flower… and the truest of the beauty in the garden.

When a beautiful plant shows up in your garden… like some surprise… and it refuses to die because it lives for you…

It returns your care… attention and nourishment by touching your heart with its beauty on the inside…

What do you do?

Have you found your truest beauty?

Where are they now?

How well have you tended to your garden?

Stepping Stones Toward Reaching Goals

My daily blogging is looking like Swiss cheese again. I know. Believe me. My mind… heart… and muscles are all too aware. Been a lot going on.

Back in August, 2019 I ended up having to rent a house in a town that was almost 63 miles south of where I needed to be located. I had to rent the house sight unseen.

Long story. Sometimes… you have to be willing to struggle in your life… to get around major breathing obstacles having bad intentions.

I chose to accept this house as being a blessing. And gratitude thrives from my heart… as always. Looking back… I can almost see the clothing all the Angels wore while they were covering my back door.

I had an option to purchase this house. Once I had made my final decision about what I wanted to do with my passion… I knew it was not going to fit in with my goals.

The location was… definitely… an obstruction in the big picture. Only 788 square feet of house.

But my gratitude to the Landlord and those that helped me in the process… put faith and trust in me… will forever exist.

This was a stepping stone for me. And now… time has come for moving forward to my next step.

I’m relocating to the area where I need to reside. This holds so much more common sense for me. I won’t be opening the cap for my gas tank on my car so much… to say the least.

There is a fenced yard for Carlie! There is a double car garage, which will help me with storage. Separate storage shed in the backyard for the yard tools. Separate laundry room… just off the kitchen.

Living room and family room. Fireplace. Covered back patio… just outside the French doors. Open kitchen! I love open kitchens… lots of cabinets… and a load of light coming from the window.

Finally… a kitchen window that’s not so high it keeps me from watching things outside while I’m washing dishes or cooking! I can watch my Bird Feeders again!

And now I have plenty of room for my goal. Since my divorce began and I relocated… I have been investing in equipment… software… books and supplies for my passion.

I have studied. I have practiced. Now I am ready to go to work.

I prayed for this. I’ve worked hard for it. I deserve this stepping stone.

My presence and personal communication has been vague with friends and family in Facebook. Saved my ranting for Twitter. Okay… most of it.

I don’t know. I’ve probably appeared as if I’ve been sitting on a couch and soaking up the portion of my divorce settlement investing in and devouring Bon Bons.

Or… going out to the Bars and Nightclubs… hooking up with men. Getting that good dose of Rebound Flings. Taking off on cruises. Weekly total Spa treatments. Or… whatever the hell women do after divorce these days.

No.

And other men? In my life? Seriously? I am just now getting over that feeling of wanting to murder the next one that even looks at me with a friggin’ grin. But that trigger can raise from the dead by any man choosing to become stupid.

Just being honest. I’m not all the way healed. I’m a work in progress.

When it comes to men… I only think about one. Still. Always. My Knight. YOU. The only man I have room for in my life.

But he’s not here. I guess he has his reasons. So I focus on me… my goals. I do what I CAN do… to keep standing. To keep moving forward. And praying.

Part of my life goal is to buy my own home. Well… this country holds a leash and shock collar on the demands for being able to buy a home. You must have a good credit score. You must have a sizable down-payment. You must have a good record of employment outside the home… for at least 6 months.

The word of a human being no longer has any meaning in this country any longer.

I worked more than one job at home… including raising cattle… worked harder than I ever did when I was employed in the airline industry.

I busted my ass as much as my Dad did… as a Journeyman Pipefitter Welder.

Actually… I worked harder. I was 24-7 on-call status. I never got a day off. In almost 18 years of marriage… only one weekend vacation to Jackson, Tennessee to go Crappie fishing. And one weekend trip to Savannah, Georgia. It was a Mother’s Day – Pick up a tractor weekend.

But the only thing that matters to America is… I didn’t leave the house and bring home a paycheck.

The Credit Union told me I needed to hold a part-time job for at least 6 months… before they would give me a mortgage loan for $90,000.00.

Right. So… you’re telling me… I can go work 12 hours each week… for 6 months… at $11.00 per hour… and you will give me that loan?

Can you hear me laughing at the insanity? Believe me… it’s sandwiching anger. For so many good and loving human beings in this country.

This is what they do in this country. The truth is as pure as sewage. And the arguments are as lame… shallow… and LAZY as it gets.

And then we wonder why so many elderly people are having to sacrifice and choose their battles between eating… paying ridiculous monthly health insurance premiums… car insurance… gas for the car… and paying the insane costs for their pharmaceutical meds.

Other options to buying a home. If you are self-employed… you must have 2 years of tax records to prove stability to secure maintaining a mortgage.

Next come the Snakes… who tell you they can get you into a home without any down-payment… no job status required… blah blah blah.

The trap… You pay 40-60 percent of the price for the property… up front. And the interest rate is just… stupid.

They justify the monthly mortgage figure with the fact that it’s still less than monthly rent for a 3-bedroom apartment. “Let’s not squabble about it only being 35 cents, okay?”

Yeah, right. Piss in one hand and wish in the other, Moron. See which one warms your heart faster.

Moving along…

So… over the past 6 months I have been steadily working on my credit score. The 700+ credit score I half earned relocated out of state. My part dropped to 520. His stayed the same. He took it with him. Ahhh… but there’s a reason why his credit score sat up in the balcony seats.

I handled all the finances up until the last year and a half before the divorce.

Starting over did not come without a steep price… of course. Just to get the utilities turned on required pennies short of $1,000.00.

But little by little… and doing nothing more than paying my bills on time… I have raised my credit score up into the healthy ‘Fair’ bracket.

So… I’m moving into a much nicer home! But remember… I have no… ‘job’.

How do you relocate almost 62 miles away… working any part-time job… where they’re only giving you 12 hours each week?

Why bother?

Every penny goes inside the gas tank. And it simply amazes me to see how the financial realm in this country is so lame at doing common sense math. There’s only one explanation.

Nobody cares in this country.

I decided early on… this house was not going to work. It wasn’t working for my plans. And it wasn’t working in my life.

So I had to get really creative… again. And sacrifice… again.

Now at this point… moving into this next house is supposed to be another stepping stone. From here… I go get that lame 12-hour per week job and work on my passion at the house.

My next step is… buying my own home.

It’s NOT going to matter to anyone at the bank… how much money I will have in my bank account. My passion goal can start rolling in enough cash that sets me up really great!

Most people quit their ‘jobs’ when this happens. But me? Oh, no. I cannot quit my ‘job’… unless I want to wait 2-3 years… to prove stability with my passion goal.

Because the bank won’t care. They just want to see the check stubs proving the length of time I have been employed outside the home. Never mind my perfect consistency with paying all my bills… including a signature loan I have carried… with THEM… over the past 6 months.

And the real pisser… the Rent is double the cost of a monthly mortgage payment. This is a serious problem in this country. The mentality in general… running amuck within our existing corporate world is just… totally inhumane and unconscionable.

And they do it because they can. They do it because we don’t do our background research on local politicians… and make damn sure the crooked ones never make it to Washington, D.C..

Even in the game Clash of Kings… Kingdoms have the rule about not attacking main castles.

It allows players to grow in the game. They have a fair chance to become a valuable asset to the kingdom.

The difference between the two?

Human beings from NATIONS ALL AROUND THIS WORLD play in Clash of Kings.

*** Note: This is NOT an endorsement for Lowe’s, nor do I receive any funds for using the moving carton in my photo.

Difficult. Emotions running so deeply. Confusion. I’m not happy with how things are between us.

I try so hard to be patient. Understanding he is going through his own stuff. I have no problem with that. My problem is the fact that he will not communicate with me.

He cannot see that I can be a friend… as well as a partner. To help each other heal. To help each other see other perspectives. To help each other recognize the obstacles in our paths… so each of us can work through our own issues.

Just having that support can make all the difference in the world.

His dead air pushes my patience. Leaves me questioning whether I should hold on to hope and faith. Remain loyal to him. Or… should I walk away?

Does he care how devastating it would be for me to walk away?

I could do it. I know I would survive this. But I know I would never be the same.

I know there would be much of me that would die inside. This frightens me. This late in my life… after all the lost love I have endured throughout the years. I know me. I would not ever care to ever love again.

There comes a time when a beautiful heart becomes too tired.

He cannot see… or, he does not care… how it hurts to feel he does not feel safe or secure enough to come to me as a friend to help him deal with his pain.

To give him different perspectives. To give him support and encouragement for facing those issues we all face about ourselves that can be so difficult to look at and work on.

To do so in a gentle and compassionate way.

I feel we are… both… strong enough to accomplish this.

There is something so strong inside me that tells me this is why we came to know each other… from the very beginning. To help each other heal. To be in each other’s corner. To be that honesty with gentleness and compassion that only encourages us to overcome our pain.

To journey through it all with each other and become two incredible human beings on the other side.

It’s not a deep dive into some shallow love relationship I’m looking for. Hot and heavy on the scale of similarity to hooking up in some nightclub. Walking out the door at closing time… thoughtlessly heading into a tornado that only dies off in a short period of time.

Not that they all turn out that way. But too many do. And I want nothing like that.

My prayer is for a reality in the lives of two people who need to heal and want to become the very best that the Divine intended for each of them.

To be courageous enough to allow each other inside for offering raw objectivity. Helping one another see issues and obstacles we’re not able to see in ourselves.

Being that needed support that gives each other that safe feeling and courage to overcome issues causing us pain and/or confusion.

Being able to look at one another as we scratch off one more issue from that list… and feel we are looking at the one person that makes us want to knock out that entire list… so easily. Taking a moment to soak in all those wonderful feelings it gives us to realize this.

He cannot see I do have a life. He cannot see I am very busy myself… with daily tasks and working on my own goals. Making my own personal dreams become real. Working on me as much as I can.

But he also cannot see the mountains I could climb with a smile… the doubled joy in my heart… that incredible load of energy and enthusiasm… simply by having communication with him on a regular basis.

And he cannot see the same difference it could bring for him. If only he would let me.

All I can do on my own is put this in the hands of The Divine and The Universe. And continue to pray for him. Beyond that… there is only one truth I know for sure about us.

So much to walk away from. Too much.

Did You Hear That Door Lock?

I just need to say… I am so relieved to have walked through that door to 2020 and left 2019 buried in some cemetery. Bottom line… simply one horrible year for me.

In my Tarot readings I was advised to work on planning during the month of December. Major decisions were made for my life. Lots of shedding. Lots left behind.

But then there were the important things in my life that I got to choose to take with me… into 2020. Goals. Decisions. And with or without me… People.

There are actually… very few people I chose to take with me. But this will be the year when I build new friendships with like-minded people having that same depth of heart and emotions… conscience… kindness… respect… and goals!!

This year is about my heart. Happiness. Goals. There can never be enough said about Goals. Prosperity. Abundance.

Love? I don’t know. In God’s hands. Divine Timing. For now… I am enough. I have to be enough for now. And I’m okay with that.

Did I tell you I’ve got goals? ;)~

My Twin Flame. In God’s hands. But never left behind. And never without my love. I pray for him. I pray for his happiness. I pray for the Universe to bless him with Discernment… Strength… Courage… Wisdom. Everything for him to rebuild himself from the center of standing in his own truth… his own authenticity… his own wishes… his own goals… his own dreams.

I still believe in him. I know he can do it.

Understanding and compromise would be two wonderful goals.

I just refuse to pray from inside some closet. I think that is unrealistic… inhumanely unfair. And I KNOW it’s just… non-negotiable.

Certain other loved ones that I chose to bring with me. And then there are those that… basically… helped me choose to leave them behind. And I’m perfectly okay with that. I know my truth.

This year is about getting back in touch with myself. I was so lost and separated from myself for so long.

This is my year. Finally. It’s my turn.

I stay more to myself now. The time will come when it is safe enough for me to speak about all the hard work I am currently in the middle of completing.

Sadly… there are people in this world that just thrive on bringing other people to failure by their dirty deeds. Out of jealousy. Out of insecurity.

Simply because you are no longer at their disposal for using your talents to improve their lives… at the expense of your own. And of course… when all that happens the rest of the world around you is fed a lot of false bravado… which seems to be preferred over truth and honesty in this ever-increasing mad world.

Pathetic. But hey… those abusers get free will, too. Whatever.

I prefer to stay to myself and focus on the positive issues in my life. I mind my own damn business. I take care of me.

In essence… I’m really not doing anything much more differently than I’ve ever done before. The only difference is… Now I’m doing it for someone that SEES my hard work… APPRECIATES my efforts… REALIZES my value… and GIVES ME THE CORRECT CREDIT THAT I’M EARNING… THAT I DESERVE.

I’m doing it all for myself.

The difference I feel inside of me is something I cannot even measure. Now my heart receives what it always needed before… in order to give me that drive to keep moving forward with accomplishing even greater things in life with so much more pleasure and satisfaction.

The results are now much better. No more half-ass. I’m a lot less stressed and tired. No more having to pick my battles. No more having to fight for half-ass.

I’m able to make a decision. And now I have the freedom to lay out the tasks in such a way that makes it easy for me to get things done.

So simple. Which only shows… it never had to be so damn difficult… nor ridiculous.

All the money in the world… won’t even hold the value of an ounce of human piss… against the value of brains… conscience… integrity… truth… common sense… self-love… self-reliance… and self-respect.

And THAT… was in my little suitcase that I carried with me through that door to 2020… after burying 2019 in a cemetery.

I just hope everyone else in this world finds their way to their own healing… truths… finds their own value… self-worth… and self-respect… whatever you need to make you feel whole and happy… from inside yourself.

Happy New Year!

Always Thankful and Grateful!

Today is Thanksgiving Day in America. The holiday tends to have a quirky nonsense to me anymore. For one thing… the Commercialism of the holiday has become shamefully insane.

I’m grateful for the years in my childhood when I was able to actually enjoy watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. It’s not worth bothering with the few minutes buried under all the television commercials anymore. Sad. Disgusting. Really disgusting.

But importantly… Every day is a day of Thanksgiving in my life. I never let a day pass without giving thanks and expressing my gratitude. So many reasons to feel so thankful and grateful. Feelings that should never be ignored.

But out of respect for the holiday… I have put a few little ‘extras’ into the dinner I’m preparing. My first Thanksgiving after Divorce! Ha!

Cornish Game Hens… rather than Turkey. Common any day of the week in my kitchen. But to honor the main Character on the table for the holiday… I scheduled specifically.

I even prefer these over chicken. They add so much more flavor to Chicken Salad! (Ha! Beaten out by the little girl!)

My apologies to all you chicken farmers… but it’s true! You’ve dumbed down the flavor. See if you can fix it. ORGANICALLY… please. Then… we can talk! Lol

I made my bread dressing! This year… I get to make it… my way. Oooooooooooooh!

Fresh Spinach… steamed in butter!

You don’t bring that canned, or, Cool Whip crap in MY house!! Carlie approved! A huge dollop from one of those beaters hit the floor! LOL

I’m making Pumpkin Custard dessert… instead of Pumpkin Pie. Again… making it… my way. AND… I get to put roasted pecans over the whipped cream. LOL

Homemade Cranberry Sauce. And this year… I got to follow the recipe. Because TERESA likes the squeezed orange juice AND the cinnamon! Lol

Candied Yams! Yessss! My sauce… my way! Doubling up on the Marshmallows!

They’re in there. Under all that butter!

I can hardly wait!

Wine. My favorite Go-To for casual. Barefoot’s Pinot Grigio! It’s a Girl Thing… made by Girls!

Of course… my guest won’t be having wine.

She’ll be having Apple Juice!

Cornish Game Hen(s). Did you catch that earlier?

One for me… One for Miss Carlie! Completely de-boned… of course! But she gets all the other dishes right along with the main entrée!

Yes. I’m having Thanksgiving Dinner with my Basset Hound! She lives here. She’s family. She’s here. She’s included!

I’m thankful for her presence. I’m grateful to her. Over these past few months… there have been times of being lost in tears when Carlie has been here for me.

It’s like… she knows. She’ll come out of her crate in the bedroom and just… show up. Lays her head on my knee.

So yeah. I’m having Thanksgiving Dinner! And I have family here! And I can feel the presence of my Daddy and all the others over on the other side as well. Oh, the memories of all those Thanksgiving Holidays at Grandma and Grandpa Casteel’s little bitty house!

Anyway… we two girls… are going to flat-dab… pig out!!

And we should always take time out of our busy days… every day… to sit and take inventory of those particular blessings that fill our hearts with the love that gives us happiness.

Life is just way too short. We should never settle for less… or compromise whatever… or whomever… gives us that feeling as if our heart is just bubbling over with happiness.

Each of us is one soul that is responsible for ourselves. We are the ones who get to decide what makes ourselves happy. Just as I have learned… I am the only author of my story.

And we fall against the grain when we allow others to take that power from us. We cheat ourselves out of so many more blessings intended for us in this one short life on earth we’ve been granted.

Be thankful. Be grateful. None of us is ever alone. And Family isn’t defined within a box.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

Full Moons and Castles

I opened up my Line account, yesterday. Had to open a new account. I named it TeresaMarie. Same name I had given one of my castles that I left behind when I quit playing Clash of Kings.

The app tried forcing me to go collect some pin number from my ‘other device’ before I could have my original account back.

That would be… two cellphones behind my life. I’m not even sure I still have the damn thing.

This request… from an android app. Amazing. Maybe I should go back to school and learn some tech geek… formalities. I’d be ahead of the game… with common sense.

We’re about to receive another Full Moon. Reaches our area at 8:34 am eastern time in the U.S.A. on Tuesday. This full moon is packed with more than the usual. Click here to gain a bit of insight.

We had a beautiful day today. We’ll have rain before I find my pillow tonight. We’ll have snow when I wake up. Welcome to East Tennessee. Ha!

I’ll be staying inside all day while it snows… having fun with more sewing! I like the fact that I’ve learned to set my boundaries when it comes to discussing all I am doing with my passion.

Which means I’m not sharing much. ;)~

I’m spending just as much time learning from other sources. There are so many special techniques that are necessary for all that I have in mind. I’m one who values the time I put into anything I do. So it only makes sense that I give it all the very best possible.

This is about… Me… my goal… My individuality. And this is on my terms.

Does this mean I’m some Control Freak? I can answer this honestly.

I am the first of all humans uncomfortable in the presence of my flaws that create dysfunction with others.

I haven’t pinpointed the exact moment when that flaw took a serious turn onto a more appropriate path. But I do know this. The opportunity was at the top of my list for my journey of reclaiming myself.

Said opportunity came once my divorce was final. Please take a moment and just… let that sink in.

“Why would she have to wait until….. Ohhhhhhhh!”

Yeah. I know. Be glad you weren’t the one having to wait.

Appropriate boundaries. This is about choices and decisions in my life that belong to me. My wish for a specific goal pertaining to my passion for sewing is one good example.

When it comes to relationships with my grown children… I am in need of separating myself from their lives at this time… in order to have a fair playing field for working on setting my own appropriate boundaries. A huge part of reclaiming myself.

Works differently for others… I guess. I don’t know. I only know this works for me.

I’m hoping my children will find interest in taking time to examine their own issues. There is a better chance with me out of the picture. Of course… we all have free will. Whether they take that opportunity… or not… is up to them and none of my business.

On the same token… the work I’m putting into my own self… is none of their business. Their opinions are none of my business… and vice versa.

I’m only responsible for myself today. And I am taking care of myself.

In simple terms… I have no desire to live the rest of my life as some mangled up friggin’ mess!

As for a love relationship with a partner… do I really need to say? Okay. For anyone that has not been around…

I am not ready.

And I have to be honest. There is only one soul on this planet that would even stand a remote chance in Hell. He’s nowhere to be found.

And he is neither of my two ex-husbands. Trust me.

It hurts. I don’t know what to do with it. I’m trying. It is a work in progress. Covering it in therapy. This man has affected my heart like no other man ever has.

I could win the damn lottery. And it would not come anywhere near affecting me as much as this… profoundly deep-thinking… ever-so-guarded man with a damaged heart holding sensitivity more delicate than rice paper.

This is a situation that only spiritualists… Empaths… Light Workers… Healers and such… would completely understand.

I am an Empath. Click here to read up.

Empaths seem to be delicious bait for Narcissists. Let me just put that out there. Click here for some great information on Narcissists.

Here on earth… we can release ourselves from each other… and vice versa. However… when The Devine has made the plans… He never fails. He sticks to His plans.

One way… or another… you will end up from Point A to Point B… which only He has decided upon. And His Divine Timing reigns over your schedule in life, as well.

In other words… whatever you try to fill your life with outside His plans… will be turned on its head. Nothing else will bear fruit. If your intuition has not moved you in line with Divine Timing for certain events… look out! He’ll make it happen. He will come in and toss your little apple cart upside down right before your eyes.

They call it a ‘Tower Moment.’ I have put myself through numerous attempts to walk away. I have faced these Tower Moments every time I have attempted to walk away from all feeling and emotions for this man.

I think both of us are very stubborn. I think it’s because we are so protective over our hearts. Because we’ve been hurt so many times. So deeply.

This New Moon and Mercury Retrograde passing through right now… has put me through Hell. The readings. I had to stop going to YouTube for any readings for Libra and Gemini.

Mystic Witch Tarot… I truly trust her. She helps me with my personal journey… as an individual.

Opal Oracle… Raaji! She is so awesome. She gets down to that Mother Earth Understanding and alignment with the Universe. And you really need some deep intellect to keep up with her.

Gemma at Gemstone Tarot… Daily Collective. The Collective refers to everyone in general. I can handle this right now. Gemma offers the astrological common sense core feel for us all. And she’s funny as all get-out!

Lucy at The Channel of Love… focuses on the twists and turns between Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine Twin Flames. She goes through her readings in Story-form. Her perspective has helped cool my jets… so many times.

All the others had me twisting like a pretzel… until I went into my own cards. You must be very careful when you begin plugging in to all those readings. And recently… legitimate Readers have busted some plagiarism. On most occasions… I will refuse to listen to any reader that already has cards laid out in placement.

I lean on God and The Universe. And before any church-goers begin coming at me like alligators… I’ll make a deal with you. You stay in your lane. I’ll stay in mine. And we’ll be just fine.

This is my blog. It is a tool that helps me in my healing. I get to share what I choose. Your opinion is none of my business. And I respectfully request that you keep your opinions in your own pockets.

I have found an even closer relationship with God… since going into Tarot. And I have seen the difference with an even deeper gift of Discernment. I am blessed much more by free will choices… rather than all the mental and emotional conditioning that has been bleeding all over this planet.

Just follow the money. “The things they say… just to fill up that damn offering plate!”

I lean on God. I lean on The Archangels. I lean on The Universe. I believe in them all… for protecting me and guiding me.

I will stand beside them… before standing beside you… no matter who you may be.

‘Nuff said. Back to the topic.

I know which path I am supposed to take. I am fine with this. I can wait on Divine Timing.

I have plenty to keep me busy preparing. And I am moving forward.

Still…

I feel him. He comes to me. That Mental Telepathy. He knows. He’s always known. And he knows how to use it.

The tables are turned now. That damn game. He knew how to contact me outside Clash of Kings. I gave him everything.

Some people are probably thinking right now… “If he wanted to contact you… he would.”

Well… Yeah. You think I don’t know that? I know this better than you. Because he’s done so in the past.

But I also understand Divine Timing. I understand there being reasons for separation. I understand the concept of both of us being on our own journey. Both of us being guided through lessons and healing… before God decides the time is right.

Imagination? No. You have to feel what’s going on inside you without any self-inflicted provocation. That’s called The Knowing. Unexplainable feelings and emotions that overwhelm you. You can be in the middle of doing anything… cleaning house… working on a car when it just comes out of left field.

It’s him. That’s when the telepathy kicks in. That’s when I can feel him. At times… I have to stop whatever I’m doing. The feeling becomes so strong.

And yes. I answer. With love.

I miss him.

I miss those conversations when we were both present… at the same time. Seeing those words typed… back and forth between each other.

I miss the fun we had. Turning typed words into food fights… and water hose fights… and cooking in the kitchen.

He described so well… the two of us sitting on a blanket… out in the sunshine… eating frozen yogurt. I could see us.

We shared time talking about other things. I choose to keep those between us… for him.

Okay… I still say I could cook a steak better than him.

Just to be clear… nothing in the gutter existed. We have some really nasty… vulgar pigs on the internet. But this man….

This man is way above that.

I loved talking with him. Because he helped me see so many things from a different perspective. It made me want to learn more from his perspective.

I loved talking with him. Because he showed me I was worth being trusted to know some of his troubles. I’m forever left feeling so honored that he felt that safe and comfortable with me.

I loved talking with him. Because he helped me see the difference between a caring man… and a twisted narcissist.

I loved talking with him. Because he helped me believe I can do anything.

I loved playing Clash of Kings with him. Because he was the one that helped me find my own strength and power. So many values in life are what this man shared with me… reassured me that a man can be capable of maintaining self-respect… dignity… honor.

He showed me so much of himself in that damn game.

I learned about loyalty through the game… from him. Because he showed me at the expense of his own loss of power. He honored me with a deep secret about his true authentic self.

He was gentle with my concerns… my wishes. He would wait until I slept… before going off around the kingdom to do his attacking of other castles to regain his power. Never in front of me. Never while I was awake… sans the Conquest.

Yeah. I knew! But I wasn’t about to spoil all that fruit!

Always protective over me… in a game. And through a game… this man showed me the best of his heart and soul. Because of everything I learned… I know there are things about his life he has kept from me… to protect me and keep from hurting me.

Because that’s who he is.

I miss talking with him… because I had to learn that he was too damaged and caged up with fear… from being so undeservedly hurt.

I miss talking with him… because I was in such a blind rush with wanting to show him deserved love that he was in no shape to handle.

He hides in a castle… just like me. A safe place from any further hurt and pain.

His castle… much larger than mine.

His Drawbridge… much stronger with an even stronger lock than mine.

His moat… He knows I can’t swim.

And I refuse to drown… knowing everything I’d be taking with me.

My intention for this Full Moon… the day he comes to my castle and yells for me.

Like me… he cannot swim. Yes, that would be one of the good misfortunes we have in common. LOL

But I would know it is him. And I would drop whatever I may be in the middle of handling… and set down that drawbridge before my second breath.

November Punches Hard!

Mercury in Retrograde… until November 20^th. Crap happens. I just roll with the flow. Put one foot in front of the other and fix whatever gadgets try to give me grief.

But one aspect I’m really going through Hell trying to keep a reign on would be… emotions. MY God, the sensitivity is ridiculous.

I leave the house to take care of business. And that’s the limit to getting out there in the social world.

Beyond that… I am socializing with my sewing and embroidery machines. I take an occasional break to go get my belly laugh from a few friends in Facebook.

I’ve made time for learning new techniques from some very gifted seamstresses on YouTube… one in particular… Bernadette Banner. Click here to visit her YouTube Channel!

I can listen to her for hours. And I am learning so much. Our project interests are very different. Yet… she is a walking library of techniques that can be applied to any form of fashion sewing.

I appreciate her efforts and kindness of sharing to no end!

This weekend was that weekend… swapping all the summer clothes out for the winter apparel. I sifted both… summer and winter. Like other items I’ve given away… I’ll be setting these out for local folks that can use them.

I’ll need to pick up another clothing hanger to set outside. Throwing clothing out on a sidewalk mindlessly in boxes is just not productive. Seems rather cold and heartless. Not in my DNA.

I’ll hang pieces up on the hanger, set it out on my sidewalk… and make it easier for them to choose. A laminated note will be hung… asking for hangars to be left behind so I can add more items when there is more room.

November planetary segments have me scattered. My healing… my feelings… my emotions. All so overwhelming at this time. I feel this way one minute… I feel that way the next.

It’s difficult… when you know you’re running from your own truth… because you think that’s what you’re supposed to do. Because you feel there is no other choice.

But then… it feels like you’re in this friggin’ battle with your own damn heart. And it carries some really heavy punches.

I stay busy. It’s all I can do. I keep myself handling several things at once… deliberately. And I think about my boundaries.

Old boundaries that I’m having to remember. Two in particular… lol

Give me a break! Almost 18 years of… legal marital union (insert sarcastic tone) is a long time. Okay?!

I don’t do married men. And I don’t share. End of THAT conversation!

But new boundaries are developing… compliments of the lessons learned from that experience… as well as the one that has me soaking my T-shirts… still.

Maybe I just need to get it all out of my system. I don’t know.

That’s the worst part. I. Don’t. Know.

Telepathy and mind reading are two very different energies.

What I do know is this. Anybody can ‘say’… nothing. And anybody can ‘say’… anything.

Anybody can claim to love you. And you can learn their words are cheap.

Actually… my garbage is more valuable. It costs me $9.00 per month for the city to pick it up.

Ahhh…. But I’m willing to pay the price. My garbage going in the correct place is important enough.

What does that say about me? I am willing to put the action behind my words.

Because that’s who I am. When I’m given the opportunity.

How do I feel about the lacking of one particular opportunity?

You might be my soulmate…

But all the mental telepathy in the world will never be what wins me over by itself.

So far… I really like these new boundaries.

And then I go to my cards to draw a message from the Angels that they want to share with this post.

The Third-Eye Chakra card (click here) in the Angel Therapy Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue.

My mind is just blown away. My question is answered. Solid verification.

I prefer working on my goals with a smile, anyway! lol

“Thank you Angels!”