Unconditional Love – Page 2 – My Morning's Heart

Releasing The Fixer

I’m being shown the necessity for me to learn more in releasing my obsession with wanting to be The Fixer for those I love.

I’ve found the whole process has been so much easier for me to gain a stable hand with loving understanding… when it comes to my children.

I think that ease may come from knowing they’re younger and assuming they have much more time in their lives to gain their own wisdom in the journey.

However… there comes a bittersweet acknowledgement of knowing… that assumption is such a high risk. The unexpected death of a child gone way too soon is something that will always tear down that dam and bring on those mournful tears that soak my T-shirts.

And that is where… almost sitting parallel on my table of thoughts… I find how I still need more time to hone my release of being The Fixer for whomever I have chosen to commit my heart as a life partner.

To love… truly and deeply… is to only want a vision of never seeing them in pain. That goes for anyone I love… my children… friends… family. The YOU I carry in my heart.

Somehow… a need is so strong for wanting that power to look them square into their eyes… and remove all that pain for them.

If only it were so easy… to gaze deeply into their eyes and set their world so perfectly as they wish. Send one tiny star to ignite all the happiness. Another to bring on the laughter and joy. One more to fill their entire being with my endless love that belongs to only them.

There is a reason why we call our time on this planet a journey. Each of us has to seek and find at our own pace. That’s how we learn how to completely absorb each and every facet to all the lessons in front of us for gaining fulfillment we all deserve in our lives.

To be The Fixer… is to cheat the other person.

Just for example…

Hand a kid $100.00 for no reason every week… no words exchanged. That is your intention… anyway. In time… let’s say 6 months… they would become capable of conning you into fronting them the $100.00 intended for the next 3 weeks to come… within only 2 weeks.

Am I lying? I mean… seriously.

Come the 3^rd day of the first week of the next month… they’re back again for another advance. What behavior do you think is going to show up… when you choose not to be The Fixer… and say, ‘no’?

They throw fits. They ‘hate your guts’! They can’t find enough vulgar pronouns to spit at you. They start spewing lies about you to others… fishing for a sucker… if you really want to get honest here!

Kids are smart… and stupid!

Eventually… once you’ve chosen not to be the obstacle in their way of their journey to learning all the lessons from that scenario… they get to choose how much asphalt they like eating… before they finally learn the lessons.

One way… or another… the lesson is there waiting for each of us. And one way… or another… we will learn the lesson. Because ‘God Always Gets The Last Word.’

And… “Daddy ALWAYS wins!”

Helloooo!!

As for not being The Fixer for the one my heart belongs to… I have to learn to stand back. Let them get there at their own pace. To get in the way with even good intentions… only brings confusion… frustration… anger… one huge boulder in their path.

That only extends the amount of time they have to endure before their gifts are seen through the light at the end of the tunnel.

I want him to see me standing at the end of that tunnel. I want him to discover… that strong thread of love I’ve been sending from my heart to his all this time… leads right to everything he’s been running from… searching to find.

Finally… we’ll be on the same page in life.

Only then… can 2 equally-minded souls iron out the plans… and the kinks… taking steps forward only when both are ready.

Only then… will both of us be able to feel… all that awesome stuff that shows up when everything is rolling on the same path.

My only personal wish at that point is… I hope it happens on a Harley!

Because… This Girl will never bend outside of Harley’s and Chevy’s!!

Period. End of that conversation!

Yeah… I know. I’m driving a Kia Soul. I wasn’t allowed to choose in 2015.

Drop it! Go have a great weekend!

** The card I drew after putting this post in place… #25 “Round and Round“… from Colette Baron Reid’s Wisdom of the Oracle Deck.

You can read it’s meaning by clicking here.

Dirty Laundry

It’s raining this morning. I can barely hear it hitting the house. And the goosebumps are driving me nuts!!

Oh, my gosh… I will NEVER live in another house with a tin roof! I have fallen back in love with composition shingle roofs.

Even Carlie notices. She didn’t quite know what to think when I opened the front door to let her outside. Been a while since we’ve had any rain here.

Thank God… no more need to dish out the yogurt to her… laced with CBD drops!

Rough weekend for me. I’m grateful for its passing.

Emotions everywhere. Crossroads. Do I let go? Do I not? Sobbing… soaking my T-shirts. Anger… frustration… hurt… pain… fear. The Full Monte.

But when the end of Sunday approached…

I watched WaterBaby Tarot’s Libra reading for Oct. 12^th – 21^st… before my routine of writing down things I’m grateful for… just before I go to bed.

BEST way this weekend could ever have closed out!

Thank you so much, Lady!

The reading reminded me of something I figured out such a long time ago.

Many people ridicule my raw openness and honesty. “Such an idiot… throwing all your dirty laundry out there to the world!”

Yeah, right. Truth is… you only THINK that’s ALL my dirty laundry! ROTFLMAO!

Uh-huh. You know what they say about people in glass houses… right?!?

Anyway… she reminded me of how I came to my conclusion behind my choice of being so open and honest. Not only with myself… but also with the world.

The secret… Okay. Alright. So there can’t be a secret in this. Anyway… The bright light bulb (is that better?) sits behind my personal relationship with God. This is a strong subject in my life.

And the Queen of Swords comes out to defend on this one… very solidly. I live to protect my relationship with God.

God knows me better than anyone else on this planet. And at the end of the day… He will be the one I answer to when I leave this life on this planet.

Nobody else.

He already knows the path I’m headed down. He’s already decided when my time will come for the end of my journey.

He already knows what’s inside my head and heart… before anything comes out of my mouth.

He knows all my feelings. (Think twice, now… there is a difference from the sentence above.)

He knows I’m not perfect… I’m human. And THAT makes me perfect in His eyes. He knows I have faults. He knows I make mistakes.

He knows my struggles inside my mind and heart.

Since God already knows all this… who cares about everybody else in this world throwing stink bombs… caused by their own choices of not diving deep to see all the convoluted conditioning shoved into minds for money?

The fact that they haven’t taken the time to figure it all out… that’s their problem. Not mine.

Again… follow the money. Those damn money mongers.

So… why hide anything?

You can’t hide from God, Silly!

Why fight and deny all the struggle on the inside?

It takes more energy keeping all that crap caged up in a heart and mind. My cartoon imagination gives me this view of God… sitting in a lawn chair… watching someone tangle with all this crap inside. Trying to fight it all… run from it… hide… deny… fear.

And God just sits there… watching. One leg crossed over the other. Foot bouncing up and down. Shaking his head gently… side to side. Grinning.

When those truths and feelings are all about positivity that can bring happiness… no barking negativity from anyone else on this planet matters… when you have The Number One King on your side.

Learning this… practicing this… brings so much light into my world.

Yes. Crap will always come around. This is not about building some cannon to rid the world of evil. It’s about finding the truth you can depend on… for where that safe place exists… where you are more than welcomed to become your own true self.

I remember growing up… LOL… have you ever been around somebody that looked you in the eye and said… “You’re not God!”

Ha! Guess what… That would be me.

And… if anybody is choosing to remain snarling at me for… ‘throwing my dirty laundry out there’… why are you so afraid to learn something from my experiences that just may free up your own world?

I do this out of kindness and love.

What’s wrong with giving kindness and love?

Who’s really the confused soul here?

Just sayin’.

My world is free. God knows when I love someone. God knows when I’m feeling hurt… angry… frustrated… confused. There’s no reason for me to hide anything.

Confusion… is my worst challenge. I’m a Libra. Balance. Truth. Honesty. I live with the goal and wish to do only the right things in life… according to what God intends for my journey.

My goals… come easy. My wishes… can be a challenge. And for me… God knows I will go to fellow Light Workers and my own cards to find His messages for me.

I will dig deep… deeper… as deep as need be… until He gives me that feeling in my gut and the peace in my whole being.

He knows me. He knows I strive to do and be the best of all good… for my highest good… and the highest good of all.

I have no qualms about loving someone. When that person is a good soul… worthy of love… why not?

My purpose in life includes sharing in this blog. Somewhere out there… a soul on this planet needs the support and encouragement. They’re seeking the same truth.

This world is upheaving all the evil that’s been brewing underground… this very moment. God is taking the reins! He’s getting the last word! And it’s going to be nothing less than good!

God bless Greta Thunberg!

There is hope. This is kindness.

We all need a hand-up with understanding… and acknowledging… the reality of all that’s going on in this world right now.

How about offering some reciprocity… by spreading some kindness of your own!

One of Those Aha Moments

These days I spend a lot of time driving from county to county. I’ve found there’s a lot to take care of on the tail end… now that this divorce is final.

The days always feel so different for me. Strange.

Just when I begin to feel the ground under my feet… a thought… just one single thought can leave me feeling the ground under my butt.

And the wind knocked out of me… until the tears show up.

I am so happy to be divorced… finally. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that. I don’t even feel anger towards Dwayne.

I think I began working on moving beyond anger by the time I could say out loud, “I want a divorce.”

By the time we finished with Mediation… I let go of the anger and hatred before I walked out of the attorney’s office.

They say you still have feelings for someone you’ve loved… if you feel anything.

It’s not over until you feel… nothing.

I can’t say I’ve made it there… yet.

I still roll my eyes.

I don’t even want THAT to happen when his name is mentioned.

And don’t get me wrong. I WILL get there. Mark my word.

I will get there.

But… that’s only one layer. All the driving gives me time to think. It’s like things are purging from deep inside.

And these are things that… I think I finally get it.

I’m feeling waves and waves of… damage… swelling up and hitting me… one after another. Like a perfect storm.

This has become very disturbing to me. I keep asking myself, “Where is all of this coming from?”

But one thing I feel so… absolutely… sure about… is this.

I know me… and my heart… well enough to know… this is junk that I can’t even consider taking into another relationship.

I’m so blown away to feel how much more keeps coming up from pits in my heart and mind that were so tightly hidden.

Maybe other people can. I don’t know. I only know I don’t have the stomach for going there.

I think I… finally get it.

I said I could love someone without them. I said I could protect that love from even them.

This love… means too much to me. It’s so important to me. It’s a love that came out of nowhere. It was totally unexpected. This love even frightened me enough that I tried running away. It’s a love that I have never felt before… in my whole entire life.

Today I learned… I need to protect that love… from me.

Today I learned… I can love… but not be ready.

It’s my responsibility to protect this love. Because I know all that it deserves.

To poison this love… I would deserve to burn.

I need time to heal.

I can unravel hate… all the way down to… nothing.

But this love… cannot be unsewn.

More importantly… this is not required.

And I can… still… not be ready.

But I can heal… make myself ready… while protecting this love.

And THIS… gives me peace.

( The Wisdom of The Oracle card #33 came up… in reverse… meaning I should adhere to the Protection Message. You can read it by clicking here. )

I’m Gonna Be Okay

I got the back windshield replaced on my Putt-Putt!!!

I’m so tickled! Next on the list… having it Detailed. And then… we head up to Rusty Wallace KIA in Alcoa. The usual mileage maintenance… brand new passenger side mirror assembly… and 4 brand new all-weather tires!

I’ve been knocking out lists since last Tuesday. Just… taking care of business. Doing the right thing.

Deposited the rent into my landlord’s bank account. Mailed off a cashier’s check to pay back my aunt and uncle. Bought a new mail box. I’m hoping and praying I don’t have to cut off a portion of the 4″ x 4″ post that’s already there. Otherwise… I may have to cave in and go pick up one of the power tool bundle sets from Lowe’s a little earlier than I wanted.

But the lists never end. Yes, indeed. And I’ll just keep knocking them out.

It feels so good to watch every task disappear. I feel lighter every time I scratch through one of the items. I’ve been running my butt all over the place… taking care of a lot of things… besides what I mention.

But… That’s who I am.

And still… I made time to reach out to somebody really wonderful… somebody so important in my life… with some truth… only out of love.

Seeds are planted. Ball’s in their court. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink… and all that yada-yada stuff.

From this point… I’ve done my part. They’re in God’s hands. But I will always pray for them. And I will always love them. This person deserves to find healing and truth. They deserve to find peace that stops all the running from themselves.

It’s not for me to sit and wait. I move forward. God says, “Well… We tried, Hon. Maybe in the next life.”

And I’m perfectly okay with that.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve love. I deserve being Teresa. I deserve to have fun! I deserve getting back out there in this world and plugging in, again!

I’ve been looking back… trying to figure out where the electric cord fell out of the wall of life in my journey. Ya’ know? Where did that first step away from being so comfortable in my skin take place?

When I uprooted and left Manteca, California… May, 2000. I never should have done that. Like falling into an old abandoned water well with no bottom.

Would I do it today? HAHAHAHA! Are you kidding me?

I love living in East Tennessee. It’s meant for me to be here.

I can feel that this morning.

This… is the good that has come out of a really dark 19 years of my life.

I’m never giving this up for anybody.

Too many gorgeous roads around here for two wheels! Too many good people!

Too many great possibilities!

And being kind is received by others with warm hearts and open arms.

Being Kind… On the top of… My Forever list!

But take notice…

This wench isn’t sitting on any railroad tracks!

RECIPROCITY… Look it up in the Dictionary. This world survives on love… gentleness… kindness.

Try dishing out some of your own!

Queen of Swords is Dancin’!

Sometimes… life throws a garage full of things at someone. Everybody handles the situation differently. I tend to think the end result shows who they are.

And so it goes… this past week has been me… just trying to do the right thing.

I have not done so alone. I give love… thanks and gratitude to God, Himself… my Spirit Guides… the Angels… and my whole family over on the other side. Even Artist and Zucker.

Yes. The beautiful spirits of a Bull and a Miniature Schnauzer went with me to mediation for settlement in divorce. Not one single soul on this planet went with me… besides my Attorney. But… there was a load of support from the other side that left no room for anyone from this planet.

And for the record… all the Casteels from Texas City, Texas now thriving over on the other side… were there. So was Skippy Bullard. I have always said… “When we die and go to the other side we all learn all the truths. Everything makes sense. And we face what we cannot come back and fix.”

Well… I was wrong about not being able to come back and fix things. They gave me peace when I asked if it was okay to request being returned to my maiden name I was given at birth… so I could finally use it… for the first time in my life.

In the middle of this… My Daddy helped me understand why he turned me down when I was younger and asked him to adopt me. He was all I knew of a father. Raised me from the time I was only 16 months old.

This last name thing was an important subject for both of us. But we lose our egos when we go to the other side. And we find love. Even if we feel like we never really found it on this planet while we were here. In turn… I think my Daddy chose to give me what he was able to receive, himself.

He was… always… a giving man when it really counted.

We shot straight in the mediation. And we won.

I showed up on a wing and a prayer. No insurance. Busted windshield. Thanks a lot, Dwayne. And just enough cash to cover the cost for mediation. Thank GOD AND ME.

All I could think about was getting it over with… so I could just… go get insurance for my Putt-Putt and… finally… get it registered in my name. No more hanging it over my head for manipulation and control.

Since September 16, 2019… I have been on the road… just trying to do the right thing. Of course it came with fighting stupidity. Living in this world would be too boring without healthy stupidity creating ridiculous hoops for people to jump through… securing a few paychecks protected by a bunch of lead in the back pockets of recipients.

I know that will make perfect sense to a few intelligent people.

I’ve managed to get my Putt-Putt registered in my name – get insurance – do some grocery shopping – go to therapy – and schedule a whole mess of pertinent appointments.

I’m scheduled to get the back windshield replaced tomorrow. I’ve scheduled for having 4 new tires mounted/balanced, etc. – a new passenger mirror assembly mounted – and regular mileage maintenance on my Putt-Putt with Rusty Wallace Kia in Alcoa.

Yeah… I’ve never wrecked one of my cars. That is… until I started dodging hammers from somebody I only thought I knew. First time ever. But it could have been a LOT worse. Paint and Body shop’s easy fix.

Somewhere in that mix… after the windshield gets replaced… I’m scheduling to have that poor thing detailed. She looks as rough as I feel after all this nightmare.

I’ve been able to… finally… reschedule my appointment with my Ophthalmologist and get my glaucoma drops called in to the pharmacy. Pick up cashier’s checks for the landlord and paying back my aunt and uncle for helping me.

I ordered checks. But here’s the funny part. They won’t be in for a couple weeks. And… I’ll have to order new checks.

I’m waiting for the final decree to be recorded in Loudon County. Then… I go pick up a few certified copies from the Clerk’s office in Loudon County. At that point… I begin this whole new trip around the world to have everything in my name changed to Teresa Marie Tavares.

Social Security – Drivers License – Bank – Utilities – Doctors – the friggin’ Internet.

Yeah. I know.

I’m sending out new address cards to a lot of places where I do business. And they’ll all have the portion of the divorce decree that shows I’ve been granted return of my maiden name. But of course… some will require my body to walk through the door and produce the actual… certified copies.

More driving. More sitting in line. More waiting. More late dinners.

Did I celebrate? Not like most people might. No DD available.

I was starving by the time we got out of mediation. I had only 2 minutes to spare… God as my witness… by the time I made it to the bank. I’m tellin’ y’all… I’m good at this crap. I’ve just been… under oppression for the past 19 damn years!!

I looked across the street and… “Voila’!” My favorite. Bella’s!! Salmon and Scallops!! Yessss!!

Toys?

I wanna buy a Harley so badly… it’s biting on my butt… so damn badly! I know Smoky Mountain Harley Davidson will take good care of me. I’ll be able to take the classes and all. And I don’t care if it cramps asses flipping me off right now. I’m doin’ it. Mark my word.

But for right now… I just want to get… the other serious priorities… out of the way, first.

I need to get all this bureaucracy out of the way, first. After that… focus on making a decision about going to work somewhere.

I’ve already made one solid decision that holds NO compromise. Period. I REFUSE to work any stinkin’ part-time job… ever again… for the rest of my damn life. If they can’t guarantee me a minimum of 40 hours per week… they don’t deserve me. End of that conversation.

But then again… I may not even decide to go work for somebody else. I just may keep myself… all for myself! By God… I know I’ll give me 40 hours per week… AND benefits!

Toys?

Yeah… I got one of the other two left on my list… today. This came at a really great time for me. Part of my healing.

I have wanted one of these forever! And it was like… it was just meant for me to have this.

Found it on Craigslist. Wonderful lady met me near Oak Ridge to do the swap. Informed me… this little treasure was being passed from one Theresa… to another Teresa.

It belonged to her mother… who never stopped long enough to even use it on one project. I feel another angel has been watching over me. And I am so honored to have this treasure in my hands. I will do my very best for both of us!!

Imagine this… a future biker… who also dives in to heirloom sewing.

Yeaaahhhh! My Libra Energy! Going to Balance those Scales!

Ohhh. And that third toy…

Jeff Rains…. I’m coming after you! You’re gonna give me my first.

“snicker”

People… if you ever wanna be good at something…. Be Kind. And learn how to love.

RECIPROCITY…. Look it up! Dish some out!

When You Just Know

Back when I was living in Maryville, Tennessee… I loved going to Metro Pizza. I live too far to head there on a weekly basis… like I would have done… had I been divorced then.

Sal. I adored him! He’d sit at a table with his beer… while he let his ‘students’ practice all he’d taught them. Yeah… beer. Ha!

I struggled with eating my Calzone while keeping one eye on him. I liked paying attention to him. He was funny! He was VERY charming! And I could tell… he was very wise.

I’d love the chance to sit and talk with him right now. I’d drive him crazy with questions. I think the first question would be, “Tell me, Sal. What were the difficulties of your life in Italy that pushed you to cross oceans and come all the way here to this gluttonous nation?”

I have no idea what the details would be. But… I’d bet on relating to the core in the body of his childhood.

This is something we all have in common… no matter where we come from… no matter where our childhood existed.

If one removes labels… removes status. Imagine us all as humans that become adults walking out of this enclosed courtyard… through giant wooden doors that fit castles… to venture out into the open world that we’ve been gifted. If we all become honest enough to look deeply and long enough… we’d discover PTSD in each and every one of us… on some level or another.

Geographical circumstances bear no difference.

It’s difficult when you are a human being that has taken the time to deal with your own. Taking that journey to find your truth… reclaim yourself… stand in your power that you’ve removed from the hands of others.

The challenge is incredible… treacherous… painful… even frightening. The ultimate accomplishment sits inside mustering up the courage… to jump off many cliffs… just to feel the solid ground under your feet.

Getting to the other side of it all… priceless AND precious.

Welcoming those mornings of waking up to feeling peace… joy… excitement… gratitude… thankfulness… love. All being gifted to yourself… before you take that next breath that will set you off to sharing with anyone else on the planet and into the universe.

It’s called Self-love. The reward for healing the inner-child… so you can fulfill the other half of the universe’s intention. Sharing all that love you have… to give… and receive… with a partner in life.

This world conditions us with so many restrictive and negative nonsensical ‘rules of engagement’ for being a human being. The truth behind it all… Just follow the money and follow the history. Some things never change. And too many generations have never been trained to consider the fact that manipulative practices have existed since Day One. The difference is… the last word that God always gets… is always good.

God has tried cleaning up the mess until He’s blue in the face. He tried the flood. He sent Jesus. You never saw Jesus shoving an offering plate in everybody’s face. But he sure knew how to stretch a few fish and loaves of bread among the multitudes sitting right there at His feet. And he never got a day off to go to Belize.

God even tried throwing in the Book of Revelations. (That’s been twisted from a father’s fair warning into a solid telling of the future… also for the sake of that offering plate) by churches… who preach that fortune telling is a sin… from one side of their mouth… while shoving it down your throat that you better get under the covers with their church because everything in Revelations is prophesized as a definite event… coming out of the other side of their mouth.

Think about that one.

Did you ever experience… one day in your life as a child… when your father told you… “I want you home by 7pm tomorrow night… because I’m going to take you to an inch from your death.” ????????

Now… correct me if I’m wrong. But I believe father’s practiced fair warnings from the time you could crawl. “Don’t touch that. It’ll burn your fingers.”

“I’ll smack your fingers if you touch that plug.”

“I’ll whip your butt if you break a window in this house.”

“I’ll leave your butt in jail, if you get stupid enough to put yourself in there.”

IF….

Beyond the Book of Revelations… I think God has given us free will to choose killing each other off. Are you seeing this truth, yet?

Think about that. I need to get back on topic.

We all end up with a little bit of PTSD coming out of childhood. Every family has their own closet filled with skeletons. No escaping that. Because we’re all human beings.

And nobody is perfect.

Our hope lies within ourselves. Finding that one thread we can pull… that will begin to unravel all the nasty woven conditioning that has robbed us from being able to recognize and reunite with our true authentic self…. The absolute secret to finding the path of love… to heal our inner-child… so we can love ourselves… and others. So we can feel safe about choosing a prospective life partner that we want to fall in love with… share reciprocity.

My journey has taken me to so many answers. So much clarity. So many rewards. Peace. Calmness. A loving heart without lack of trust. Courage. Strength. Finding my value. Standing in my truth without fear. Knowing and honoring what is best for me. Living my life for the highest good of all. Serving others.

That last one is a very difficult one for me at the moment. Painful.

To reach this side and get a good taste of it all. You only want to help someone else get a taste of it. But…

What do you do… when you know in your heart… there is a particular person that has absolutely no reason not to trust you… believe you… feel safe enough to just unload everything crossing their mind into your lap while you just listen?

What do you do… when you just know? You’ve put yourself in an imaginary scenario where you’re forced to make a choice. And you can actually claim… without a second thought… “Yeah. I could do it.” You would die for them.

But they’re too afraid to stop running from having to feel anything in that safe haven.

I’ve been on both sides of the fence.

And right now… I’m leaning on my favorite slogans I learned in Al-a-teen.

“Let go and Let God.”

“One Day at a Time.”

“Teresa… are you referring to the man you’re divorcing?”

Are you joking? I would have to be out of my ever-loving mind to do something like that. I’m getting out of a marriage that’s been more dead than The Dead Sea for over a decade.

NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT! Never again. NOT happening. He is in God’s hands.

I choose living in my truth.

I pray. I breathe… while standing in faith. I send my love through the universe. And I wait for them to catch up in their own journey. I stand firm in believing and trusting God’s seeing to it that they do so. Because they… truly… deserve to feel love and happiness.

“This… or something better… now manifests for me… in divine… appropriate timing.”

(Thank you, Colette!)

The Ashes are Stirring

This morning has been overwhelming in the area of emotion. Listening to Tarot with Tilly… her upload for this morning’s collective reading… everything I was experiencing in the morning began making perfect sense.

Right off the bat… resisting Alan. I could feel him thinking of me. And for the first time… I didn’t want to feel that.

The tears just overwhelmed me.

This resistance coming from inside me felt so strange. It was confusing. Resisting and sobbing at the same time. Yet… I welcomed both.

Lately, I’ve been very withdrawn. Deliberately. I’ve needed time alone. I know I’m going through a strong period of time in my life where I’m shedding my skin… releasing all those in my world that have not been for my highest good. Those that have only entered moments in my life when they needed something from me. Those that have always expected my presence in their lives and giving them the support they need. When the end result has been… they have never been there for me in return.

You know who you are.

It is true… you can count your true friends on one hand. I love you, Deb. This shoe I’m throwing this morning does not fit you.

And I love… and thank God for my Aunt Judy and Uncle Danny.

I could not figure out why I found myself moving around the house… doing things… setting up dishes to wash… clearing tables… unpacking… organizing… while just sobbing the whole time.

And then it dawned on me. I recognized EXACTLY where I was standing… while living in my now. I realize why I am here in this solitude… withdrawn… going within to be with my inner-child… while I deal with this divorce and all the loss.

I’ve been here before. It is my safe place. But it is a different place in my eyes and heart this morning. Because I see a LOT of ‘house cleaning’ that I need to do.

There is another whole level of healing in this safe place for me to tend. Healing before cutting cords… to honor courage… knowledge… truth. Standing in my own… rather than succumbing to the opinions of others.

Total disregard of my own choices… desires… wishes… decisions… everything I feel is best for me. So many years of subjecting myself to allowing others to force their own onto me. Many times being left behind to suffer terrible consequences… while they walked away.

No more. It comes to an end. I feel driven to Shed that damage… and come out on the other side with Strength in all the goodness that makes me who I really am… The Soul nobody has ever bothered to dig deep and discover.

I’ve learned through Tarot that there are cords which connect our existence in the now… all the way back to our childhood. In my case… I see clearly now… where those cords grew very thick in my marriage. Looking further back… I see the common denominator with their existence in my childhood.

I’m in my safe place right now… because I’m free to give myself the love and support… emotional contact… that every soul needs… wants… requires… deserves… to share with others. It was so absent in my marriage… same as in my childhood… and even now.

Eddie Altum was the last person to ever give me a really good hug. What… the year 2000… as far as I can remember.

The absence of reciprocity… looks like some sewage reservoir that has existed as one of the most profound areas in my being… all my life.

My safe place is where I’ve always gone to hide. I could go there… when I wanted to get away from having to give anything of myself… to all others that only cared enough to take from me.

And in the case of my marriage… I woke up one morning… understanding the declaration from my heart and mind warning me… that they just did not have one more drop… to give.

I’ve come to peace with my decision of… “Fine. You have nothing to give in return? I have nothing more to give of myself to you.”

That has become a very healing truth coin I keep in my pocket.

I have gained very deep pockets. And I am earning many versions of the Coins of Reciprocity I only wish to carry.

I am a human being… before I am anyone else… to anyone else on this planet.

And Dane Hart is absolutely correct. “It is my right to live my truth and NOT have it affected by ANYONE else.”

Yet… when that well of giving begins to swell again… it craves finding someone… to give to. So willing. So able. So tender. So damaged. So blind.

But all that giving lands… once again… in the lap of… desperate takers. Filling their boredom… entertaining their ego… who knows.

But this woman no longer cares. Everything… is changing. That sewage reservoir is disappearing.

She can have her own feelings of love for others… and protect them from those very souls. Refusing to give all that love to them… to keep them from taking it.

Taking all she is… and all she has to give… for granted. Abusing it… giving nothing in return… walking away until… they need from her again.

Devastating and destroying the God-given goodness… of the soul from which they merely robbed.

No more. Never again. Not even my Spiritual Twin-Flame will cause me any further hurt and pain. I’ve reached the point of resisting… with more than enough strength… from that very first clench in my heart… caused by him thinking of me.

You want a war honoring your Selfishness? You got it. Whomever you may be.

And you lose. Because right now… my level of selfishness is way too strong for you to conquer robbing me of all the love I feel inside.

And that’s why… I feel so comfortable and safe in my place of solitude and healing. The ashes are stirring. Strength grows there. And there is nothing… and nobody… that will ever succeed getting inside there… ever again.

I am all mine.

I will come to the other side of this. But this time… Any strength in me seen before by anyone… will amount to bread crumbs… compared to what is rising inside me now.

I will no longer… need… anyone… to love me. I will be enough love for me.

I ALREADY AM enough.

That Fork in The Road

Sometimes… one can go years in a marriage before realizing… there’s a fork in this road. One realizes they’re wanting to go in a different direction. And suddenly… the entire picture of life begins to look so much more brighter… simpler… happier.

Such became the case in my journey to reclaim Teresa. I reached a point where the stress in the struggle had affected me physically… to the point of taking anti-depressants… anxiety meds… and then came blood pressure meds.

Time was closing in on me. A decision to move to Missouri was racing on the calendar. And I wanted to wrap an anchor onto a pier… more and more… every day I awoke. But when the blood pressure meds came into the picture… I knew I had to sort out and find my strength to decide which direction I was going.

By then… I had so many reasons why I did not want to move to Missouri. This marriage was sucking life out of me. Moving to Missouri would isolate me even more… bringing me to my death much sooner. And I’d decided I wanted to come back alive… and live.

People grow… and change. We all do. And it’s not fair for one person to have the comforts of growing in their own journey… while expecting the other to conform… at the expense of leaving their true self way back… years behind. Time lost. Soul damaged. One thread left for hanging on.

Especially when an angel has come onto the scene… and reminded you of who… you really are. I mean… if that doesn’t bring you a wake-up call… God take you on home.

It just felt like pure common sense to make my case and ask for a divorce. I was finished with life being all about convenience for someone else… at the expense of my health… well-being and happiness.

I was scheduled to see my doctor 3 days later… for a regular follow-up. We never got through the usual routine. Being granted a divorce had my blood pressure drop… too low! My doctor took me off the blood pressure med. We expect I’ll be able to stop taking my other two meds once the divorce matters are all in the past.

Amicable. Fair. That will be this divorce. He’s just happy that I’m not wanting to clean his clock out. I’m shocked that he wants to continue raising cattle. He says they’re his kids. Nobody can take these kids away from him. Believe me. I get that. If that’s what makes him happy… I’m happy for him.

But I deserve to be happy… just as much. And I have so many reasons to feel excited about getting that chance!

Breaking away… True Self… Amicable… Fair… Truths… Self-Love… Self-Respect… Happiness… Joy… New Love… etc..

These… and many more… are all good things that each of us deserve to embed in our lives while we’re here. There is no law that says we must give up these things… for anyone else. Nor should we ever think we are entitled to snuff out those same candles in any other good soul.

Take time to examine how much of these good things you have in your life. If you find any missing… make time. Make the effort. Feed your soul with the goodness it deserves.

Remember…. you are Love. Be kind to yourself. And be kind to others.

The Journey Begins

Okay… Here we go! Thanks for joining me! I am looking so forward to taking this ride. There are so many changes happening in my life. And I must say… 2018 has been an incredible churning of events that have brought me to where I am at this time, in my personal journey.

There was a morning when I woke up and… I’d had a dream. I’m walking forward… looking backward… seeing myself standing all alone… way far behind. This was my true self. I had left myself way back in the day… years ago… putting everyone else… everything else… in my sight where no more room remained… for Teresa.

Before finishing my first cup of coffee in the morning… I was ready for taking a stand… fulfilling a goal. It was time to push all the clutter to the side and… Reclaim Teresa!

I’ve learned so much. What I have received has been such a dynamic reason for looking forward and feeling inspired to learn all that awaits for me on my path.

Come join me! Giving others the opportunity to learn from my sharing is one of my hopes and pleasures. Who knows WHAT you may learn for your own journey! Wouldn’t that be awesome!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton